Trying to Disengage and now he has turned into the somewhat perfect potential BF

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I don't want to draw out my story but a few little details .

After a yr with my ex BPD BF , we would break up , make up etc , the breaking up was when he had seen something else he wanted , I would find out , break up , then we would endlessly get back together .

He was full of remorse every time . Anyway I find out he was seeing another for a few mths so i broke it off at christmas ,he knew he had blown it this time , i was devastated . over the holidays  i really was doing ok , hurting and grieving but trying really hard with myself to move on from this , the NC was somewhat successful .

moving on , 2 weeks ago he sends me the text how much he misses me , live is harder without you than with etc , apologizes for his behavior , he has never felt this way towards another woman so was scared and pushed me away instead of dealing with his feelings .

He asks to see me , I reluctantly agree , he spends hrs talking to me about the same as above , i kept strong , listened , were not back together but  have been hanging out and sleeping together for the past 2 weeks . I am tough with him when he pushes the boundaries , I am confrontantial when he is dis respectful . The only person that sees me weak is my therapist . Now heres the thing :

In some sick way I am happy to have the validation of his words and actions , I dont want him back per se , I have been waiting for him to f+++ up so i can say see , there you go , no change , now go ... .

but he is being decent , calls me , returns my texts promptly , is engaging , loving ... .its throwing me off balance , why hasn't he messed up yet ? i dont believe for a second he has had an epiphany so how come he is behaving so .

I have thoughts that he realized for the first time i really was gone and i will go if he messes up , because of the toughness i am showing him , his abandonment fear is so high he is doing everything by the book so to speak . I also know he has fallen out with the girl I left him over ( i checked an email )) ... .incidently he tells me the other day whilst they were together she got pregnant didnt keep it but that news crushed me , he saw how hurt  i was, he told me he didnt tell me to hurt me but to try and explain why their situation was / is strained etc . i wanted to be by myself for a while he said he didnt think it was a good idea and we should talk a bit , he favorite thing , to talk a bit !

has anyone any scope on this . am i just sitting on a volcano about to errupt or is it possible he has seen some light ?

im nervous ... .

also i have a date lined up tomorrow evening i am still going on , the first since i met the exBF . if he knew he would be furious but i dont see why i shouldnt , he has had plenty of women during us and after and technically were not a couple .

im confused why he is being so damn decent , unnerving certainly .

[poppybb]

I don't want to draw out my story but a few little details .

After a yr with my ex BPD BF , we would break up , make up etc , the breaking up was when he had seen something else he wanted , I would find out , break up , then we would endlessly get back together .

He was full of remorse every time . Anyway I find out he was seeing another for a few mths so i broke it off at christmas ,he knew he had blown it this time , i was devastated . over the holidays  i really was doing ok , hurting and grieving but trying really hard with myself to move on from this , the NC was somewhat successful .

moving on , 2 weeks ago he sends me the text how much he misses me , live is harder without you than with etc , apologizes for his behavior , he has never felt this way towards another woman so was scared and pushed me away instead of dealing with his feelings .

He asks to see me , I reluctantly agree , he spends hrs talking to me about the same as above , i kept strong , listened , were not back together but  have been hanging out and sleeping together for the past 2 weeks . I am tough with him when he pushes the boundaries , I am confrontantial when he is dis respectful . The only person that sees me weak is my therapist . Now heres the thing :

In some sick way I am happy to have the validation of his words and actions , I dont want him back per se , I have been waiting for him to f+++ up so i can say see , there you go , no change , now go ... .

but he is being decent , calls me , returns my texts promptly , is engaging , loving ... .its throwing me off balance , why hasn't he messed up yet ? i dont believe for a second he has had an epiphany so how come he is behaving so .

I have thoughts that he realized for the first time i really was gone and i will go if he messes up , because of the toughness i am showing him , his abandonment fear is so high he is doing everything by the book so to speak . I also know he has fallen out with the girl I left him over ( i checked an email )) ... .incidently he tells me the other day whilst they were together she got pregnant didnt keep it but that news crushed me , he saw how hurt  i was, he told me he didnt tell me to hurt me but to try and explain why their situation was / is strained etc . i wanted to be by myself for a while he said he didnt think it was a good idea and we should talk a bit , he favorite thing , to talk a bit !

has anyone any scope on this . am i just sitting on a volcano about to errupt or is it possible he has seen some light ?

im nervous ... .

also i have a date lined up tomorrow evening i am still going on , the first since i met the exBF . if he knew he would be furious but i dont see why i shouldnt , he has had plenty of women during us and after and technically were not a couple .

im confused why he is being so damn decent , unnerving certainly .

[DAS]

 Tis a mask.

Twill end.

Beware.

[2010]

I also know he has fallen out with the girl I left him over ( i checked an email )) ... .incidently he tells me the other day whilst they were together she got pregnant didnt keep it but that news crushed me , he saw how hurt  i was, he told me he didnt tell me to hurt me but to try and explain why their situation was / is strained etc . i wanted to be by myself for a while he said he didnt think it was a good idea and we should talk a bit , he favorite thing , to talk a bit !

has anyone any scope on this . am i just sitting on a volcano about to errupt or is it possible he has seen some light ?

No offense to you, but this guy is a creep. Why would you want to be with someone like that? He's already emotionally abused and impregnated another woman- one that you think you are somewhat superior to- otherwise you'd realize that what he does to her - he'll also do to you. The fact that you're back together now and still checking up on him spying on his email and walking on eggshells waiting for the ___ to hit the fan speaks volumes. You know it and we know it. Now, what do you need to understand?  It's already in your head.  LISTEN to your gut. Get out.

[Manon46]

Oh girl, carefully watch your steps... .

Imo he is trying to get you where you were the first time... .he is not reliable...

Why don't you tell him you have a date... his reaction will tell you more... .as said here before...

trust your gut, it is warning you and in the back of your head you know dear, you know... .x

[VB]

It isn't real. He is only being nice as you are getting on with your life. He will not change. It simply is not possible to switch BD on and off. Be warned and take care.  x

[Interestedparty]

He asks to see me , I reluctantly agree , he spends hrs talking to me about the same as above , i kept strong , listened , were not back together but  have been hanging out and sleeping together for the past 2 weeks .

This is a good example why this board advocates NO CONTACT.

You kept strong you say?

In what way? You went no contact initially for a reason. Now you have broken it. You are not

going back out with each other but you are allowing this guy to have the benefits of sleeping with you again.

I am tough with him when he pushes the boundaries , I am confrontantial when he is dis respectful.

But he is STILL pushing boundaries and he is STILL being disrespectful.

The only person that sees me weak is my therapist .

WRONG! Your ex saw you weak. That is why he has been able to cheat on you constantly through out your relationship. He cheated on you 'for a few months' and 'even got another girl pregnant' and 'when they fell out he came back to you' and you accepted him back into your life despite all the negative HISTORY he has shown you.

In some sick way I am happy to have the validation of his words and actions , I dont want him back per se , I have been waiting for him to f+++ up so i can say see , there you go , no change , now go ... .

Yes, this need for validation, from the worst source, is a self-esteem issue.

You took him back (into your life) because... .quite simply you wanted him back.

but he is being decent , calls me , returns my texts promptly , is engaging , loving ... .its throwing me off balance , why hasn't he messed up yet ? i dont believe for a second he has had an epiphany so how come he is behaving so .

Hasn't he behaved like this before? Isn't that the reason why you took him back in the past when he cheated and you found out?

incidently he tells me the other day whilst they were together she got pregnant didnt keep it but that news crushed me , he saw how hurt  i was, he told me he didnt tell me to hurt me but to try and explain why their situation was / is strained etc .

Wow!... .Why are you chosing to 'punish yourself' poppybb? Had you maintained no contact, you wouldn't be hurting over this fresh news. All your ex can ever bring you is hurt and pain in the next episode of his drama. He came to you when things were strained between him and the other woman (maybe she kicked his ass to the curb) because he was so irresponsible that he got her pregnant (according to him).

also i have a date lined up tomorrow evening i am still going on , the first since i met the exBF . if he knew he would be furious but i dont see why i shouldnt , he has had plenty of women during us and after and technically were not a couple .

im confused why he is being so damn decent , unnerving certainly .

He is bound to be on good behaviour because it serves him at this moment to be so. He seems to have messed things up with the girl he cheated on you with. So he wants to keep his options open with you.

Poppybb, I think you should be trying harder to disengage and stop looking for validation from a source that has PROVED over and over and over again that he cannot be trusted, despite what he said THEN and what he is saying now.

[turtlesoup]

Poppy knows this really, else she wouldn't be writing any of it. She doesn't expect us to go "Yay, go poppy", she knows the real deal herself and is havering, unsure of what to do. But Poppy you do know, else you wouldn't be telling us, you'll make the right decision and if you don't, see you in a month.  x

[Interestedparty]

Turtlesoup, you are so right... .Poppy does know all this... .

However, sometimes when your resolve is weak you can't self-talk,

you need to hear it outside of yourself.

[turtlesoup]

Turtlesoup, you are so right... .Poppy does know all this... .

However, sometimes when your resolve is weak you can't self-talk,

you need to hear it outside of yourself.

Absolutely and Im glad poppy is saying it rather than rushing head long back into his arms. Im not trying to silence Poppy, im trying to show her that she has the answers. I went back so many times, wrote on a different forum to this one exactly the things she is saying, then I'd disappear for a month trying to patch it all back up, then I'd feel daft for coming back, I don't want Poppy to feel daft or silly, I'm sorry if my writing is coming across today in a way that insinuates I know better, Im the biggest daft sod on these boards, believe me!

[Interestedparty]

  Turtlesoup, you don't come across as anything that I would ever take offence to. And as you do know something better, 'spit it out and 'share' coz we all wanna know!'

Sometimes 'feeling daft and silly' is as much part of the process as 'feeling hostile and angry'.

They are places of discomfort that show us that how we are running our lives is not something we can be proud of. Those feelings become the engines for change.

So it's ALL good!

[poppybb]

Hi guys , thank you for answering me .

i find your postings very helpful .Today I feel very depressed because everything you have all answered is true , yes turtle , i do know it , and yes interestedparty i did need to hear it outside myself .

I agree with everything youve all said .

I had correspondance from him this morning but I know this evening he is at an event held for by the other woman and i don't expect he will be in touch with me , that is the sting that i realize how ridiculous i am being .

i feel so sad that i allow him to do this to me  , i must be quite damaged , i definately have poor 'love' decisions due to being brought watching my parents sham of a marriage and my T is helping me a great deal with this .

Incidently the date didnt return the confirm place or time , bit odd but im ok about it , better I know now he isn't worth it than later ... .little steps .

I am now actively trying to disengage again and working to get back to where I was a month ago , I did want him back , I guess I never thought he would be gone . and the reality is also he doesn't want to be gone , he said once you dont have to let me go , jesus what is it they say " they tell us who they are " ... .

thats the other issue my co dependance ... .i fall everytime ... .yet this time i have seen evidence he gets the same support elsewhere ... .i feel so foolish .

hopefully tomorrow will be a better day .

thanks again everyone .

[squaredots]

At least you got remorse. I never saw that even once. I think you got a good BP 

[Honeybee]

Uggg, it sounds EXACTLY like my situation, except mine didn't technically leave for other women, at least that I'm aware of. I have been doing the same thing you're doing for five years. The way you describe your feelings and the situation reminds me so much of how I felt during the first few break ups. It doesn't get better, and there is no happy ending with this guy. It's a gut wrenching cycle that will continue on for as long as you let it.

[Lost in Wonderland]

This is a good example why this board advocates NO CONTACT.

Mine is doing the same thing... only 8 days out... .It's so hard not to believe in them.  It's so hard to remember there "WILL" be a next time... .even if they promise there won't be.

[poppybb]

There will be a next time and it appeared last night . April fools ironic ... .but it wasn't a joke , it was horrific .

he wanted to come by late and I said it wasn't ok as I was getting up early etc ( my start to disengage ) .

he raged , he said he was coming over , i told him no , but he wouldn't listen . he wanted to see me to be close , i said what about my feelings and all hell broke loose .  we ended up talking briefly on the phone ,but  i hung up on him when he started swearing at me and he carried the rage throughout the night .

The goodbye , this is the last time we will speak etc , usual thing when he feels abandonment.

It was heart wrenching but I know ive done the right thing, of course today he has apologized but No , I am finished . The sun shines today and I want my life back , something has changed , I have been praying so hard recently and maybe , just maybe im really listening now , the strength i knew was there has re surfaced . ALL your posts have helped me immensely and I cant say a big enough thank you .

Ive also been working with voice dialogue therapy , which i find immensely helpful as a tool to really hear my inner voices ( somewhat ironic i know )) the little me , the pleaser me etc etc . 

This site has saved me so much , I cant say how grateful I am .

x

[VB]

I am so happy for you Poppy. Stay strong. It does get better. You have made one of the first most important steps. Now to start listening to yourself and be happy!   x

[DAS]

There will be a next time and it appeared last night . April fools ironic ... .but it wasn't a joke , it was horrific .

he wanted to come by late and I said it wasn't ok as I was getting up early etc ( my start to disengage ) .

he raged , he said he was coming over , i told him no , but he wouldn't listen . he wanted to see me to be close , i said what about my feelings and all hell broke loose .  we ended up talking briefly on the phone ,but  i hung up on him when he started swearing at me and he carried the rage throughout the night .

The goodbye , this is the last time we will speak etc , usual thing when he feels abandonment.

It was heart wrenching but I know ive done the right thing, of course today he has apologized but No , I am finished . The sun shines today and I want my life back , something has changed , I have been praying so hard recently and maybe , just maybe im really listening now , the strength i knew was there has re surfaced . ALL your posts have helped me immensely and I cant say a big enough thank you .

Ive also been working with voice dialogue therapy , which i find immensely helpful as a tool to really hear my inner voices ( somewhat ironic i know )) the little me , the pleaser me etc etc . 

This site has saved me so much , I cant say how grateful I am .

x

Good for you