Is cyber-sex cheating?

[man34]

Just wanted some opinions on this question. If u find ur loved one is romatically chatting and having cybersex or phonesex with multiple people... .is that cheating... .mine did it with atleast 6 different guys over a period of 1 year... .all these guys knew exactly who she was as she was not operating under an alias... .i read some of those chat sessions and was really hurt... .

what is ur opinion?

[2010]

That's definitely inappropriate behavior for anyone in a committed relationship.

[BrienBear]

Cyber-sex isn't "true" cheating - but its definitely defined by the individuals in the relationship. And it can be EXTREMELY hurtful regardless of your PD. I found out that my exBPDbf was chatting with guys on a daily basis talking about exactly what he wanted to do with them, etc and even "inviting" them over to mess around. (though according to him he didn't ever actually give them the address... yeah right... )

For me, cyber-sex crosses the line. *light* flirting does not. (IE, I can look at the menu and comment on it, but eating anything on the menu is inappropriate.) Just because you marry/get into a relationship doesn't mean you die and suddenly are attracted to no one else. My 2 cents.

[Bdawn]

Hmmm... .well I absolutely consider it cheating. I suppose many could say that this is a gray area since there isn't actual physical contact but I think sharing any kind of sexual intimacy with anyone who is not your partner is cheating.

[turtlesoup]

In my eyes, that is cheating.

[Beast98]

In a committed relationship, there is an emotional exchange as well as a physical one. Physical exchanges are dime a dozen. You can't have a one night emotional exchange. The level of sharing involved with that is far greater than what one gets with sex. So if one's partner is involved with emotional exchanges, cyber or otherwise, it's definately cheating.

I had this discussion with exBPDgf more than a few times. As we'd sit and have meaningful discussions and share our inner feelings, I'd explain to her that it was THAT which made us a couple and special. And if she was sharing that very thing with others, then it's infidelity, plain and simple.

I don't have sex with her anymore, but we still share that part. And as such, she's cheating on fugly with me to this very day.

[DAS]

Personally, I believe cyber-sex is just mutual masturbation and so NOT cheating. It is the equivalent of porn.

A tad distasteful to do if you have a partner that would happily satisfy your needs instead.

[MxMan]

yes, it's cheating

[Beast98]

So DAS, I have to ask you... .If your SO has developed a soul-mate type of relationship on the side, whether it's on the computer or not, it's not cheating and therefor ok as long as there's no actual sex?

[FloatOn]

I'd definitely say cheating. I'd go so far as to say "cyber-sex" plus emotional infidelity over a long period of time is more harmful to a relationship than a one night stand.

[Jawadde]

Appropriate?  Probably not.  Cheating?  I tend to think not.  I personally don't see a difference between it and flirting or porn.  Flirting is mostly a fantasy thing, and that's mostly what this is imho.  I mean, the real problem is what is driving her frustration to find fulfillment outside of the relationship, why a different reality or a fantasy world needs to be created.

[Icare]

Humm, I think that gay people and heterosexual people look at this a lot differently.  Maybe I'm wrong.  I'm not gay and my opinion is that yes, it's cheating.  Anytime a partner "gets off" without the other partner (unless the partner is unavailable, like away on business or something, and needs to masturbate for release) I think that it is cheating.  If you are available to your partner and they choose to watch porn and masturbate without you, I think that is cheating.  We only have so much sexual energy and in a committed relationship, I think that energy should be shared between the partners.  Sharing sexuality with only your partner increases intimacy and adds to the strength of the relationship.  But that's just my opinion.  

[Butterfly03]

A BIG YES YES YES YES FROM ME THIS IS CHEATING... .

If you are in a relationship you do not do something like that... .my exBPDbf was caught out numerous times aswell so I can relate... .It bloody hurts and you start to question yourself but don't it has nothing to do with you and who you are... .she may not of physically touched them but to me it is emotionally cheating a big NO NO to me!

Butterfly

[turtlesoup]

Humm, I think that gay people and heterosexual people look at this a lot differently.  

?

People are people! I know loose straight men and sexually jealous and possesive gay men. This idea that gay people are like sex rabbits never committing to a partner comes from one section of their "poly" community which we have also in the straight, look at swingers and infidelity in straight relationships? Gay people seem to be the ones striving for marriage and these values we associate with it, actively battling for monogomany in many cases. Unless I have misunderstood you Icare, but this attitude that gay men and lesbians are putting it about everywhere is really not fair.

[Icare]

I'm sorry! I did not mean to imply that gay people are more promiscuous than straight people.  I don't have anything against gay people.  Like I said, "I could be wrong" and that was just my "opinion" based on my own experiences from what my gay friends have shared with me.  And I do have a lot of gay friends, both male and female.  My gay friends just seem to be a little more open minded on this subject and less rigid on cyber-sex as a no-no.  Sorry again if I offended anyone.  No offense intended.

[Granada]

I believe there is a continuum. There could be many things on a line from flirting and looking at porn, to what people would consider cheating.

Mine was/is having phone/cyber/cam sex. She has sent naked pictures of herself to many different people. She also talks to these people about her day, the kids, etc. Because we are in court, she tries to pass it off as 'it's just fantasy'. But I have heard her talking and I have read enough of her conversations to know better.

For me, it is definitely cheating, regardless of how the law defines it.

[DAS]

So DAS, I have to ask you... .If your SO has developed a soul-mate type of relationship on the side, whether it's on the computer or not, it's not cheating and therefor ok as long as there's no actual sex?

Whenever I've had cyber-sex, it has NEVER been a soul-mate type relationship. It was solely about providing imagery to the other person in return for the same. That is the basis of my opinion.

Of course, I consider emotional attachments as cheating. Hell, I don't know if my ex had sex with the guy in the pics. It doesn't really matter or make a difference. She no longer wanted to be with me so it was over.

[committed]

its definitely cheating in my book

[Runningasfastasican]

I am not decided on if it is cheating or not... .but I do know... that it is clearly not appropriate for a person in a committed relationship to do with anyone other than the true SO... .there are some things that should only be shared between the people in the relationship, so to even share that language or idea with another is clearly wrong regardless of anyones definition of cheating... .just my 2 cents... .take care

[OriginalofSpecies]

Hell yeah it's cheating, and she is beyond sick... .What are you doing bro, get out, life is short, nobody needs this, it's just plain gross, sorry to be so blunt but it sickens me, exBPDgf had numerous affairs b4 me with married coworkers (maybe it happened with me, who knows, she tells me I was the only one she never cheated on, like I should wear that as a badge of honor, found out 3 years b4 I met her she exchanged naked photos with a man in his sixties, no sex with this one she claims, he flirted, showed picture of himself, of course she was forced to handover pics of he naked (she was 1/2 his age) when she told me this it made me sick, still does to this day, she is so tainted and gross ad that is enough for me, all these guys weren't the problem, she was... If she mentions a coworker now, like, so and so I work with can't believe how much our child looks like you, and I tell him what a good dad you are, I think... .Ill, coworker all the nice stuff, good dad, right out the window, again this was before I met her, and maybe people are naive and change in some ways but the thought of the action ws enough for me... I would never tell her that, because it would probably be hurtful and I believe she may regret it... But some gross old f'er is satisfying himself somewhere with those pics, and the vision is locked in my head and will remain there and helps maintain the neccessary distance

[leavesandbranches]

man34 - It depends a little bit on the type of relationship you have.  I've known couples both gay and straight in very long term and happy 'open' relationships - not only would they go to swingers events but also have trysts on their own, which they would often later tell their partners about (to everybody's mutual delight).

And while this is obviously on the extreme end of the spectrum, the one thing I've noticed in these couples is that they all communicate very honestly and very effectively - no one is ever in the dark or left wondering about anything.

The fact that you did not know that the cyber-sex was going on, that it "really hurt" you to read about, and that you're here asking our advice seems to say that it goes beyond what you are comfortable with, and that's the most important thing.  Had you and your partner had a frank discussion about the topic and what level of emotional/sexual interaction is ok with others and agreed to cybering then that would be one thing.  The fact that she went behind your back with a number of people over a year (it's not even like you guys were simply 'dating' without feeling the need to let you know is quite dishonest and untrustworthy if nothing else, even if you don't label it with the c-word (cheating!).

Personally, unless it was for some reason agreed to beforehand, I'd be pretty mortified to find out the same thing as you did.  Cheating / chatting, potato / potato.

[GCD145]

It doesn't really matter if WE think it's cheating or not.

If it bothers you, tell her and ask her to stop.  If she stops, problem solved.  If she doesn't, then it seems to me you've learned something valuable about exactly who it is you're dealing with.  Proceed accordingly.

GCD145

[man34]

orignalofspecies... .i am out of that craziness called relationship... .this was just one of her issues... .

@leaves and branches: we were definitely not in an open relationship... .far from it... .

@GCD: first time i found out, i was shocked... .i read all the chats... .within 5 days she had gotten so close to this guy... .it was like she was chatting with me... .was telling him everything about her self... .having cam and phone sex with him... .when i confronted her she was really sorry... .said would never do it again... .but within next 12 months did exactly the same with 5 other guys... .the only difference was this time she told me while she did it... .of course without the sweet details... .its weird... .who can live with that... .i can't... .now she says i abandoned her and never loved her... .

[Harker]

On a personal level... .I would definitely consider it "cheating".  "Emotional cheating"... ."physical cheating"... .I wouldn't accept either.

To me, "cheating" in terms of relationships is really all about the boundaries of the two people involved in the relationship.  Any undertaking that willfully violates another person's boundaries illustrates a lack of respect and leads to a breakdown of trust.

What is a relationship without respect and trust?



(Not a relationship I care to be in.)

[man34]

@harker: and thats what happened... .although i still love her... .i completely lost any respect or trust in her... .

[man34]

And it is soo not like watching porn... .i like porn sometimes to spice up things... .a lot of men and couples in love do... .but she was addicted to porn... .she was a 30year old woman with two kids, but she watched porn like a 15 year old boy... .everyday... .but it never hurt me... .i would say to her that u should do something better with ur time... .but her watching porn did not ever hurt me, far from it... .but her showing her goods to another man on the cam does hurt me... .alot... .

but in her case, as i realize now, was not about sex... .it was to fill a void... .the chat text showed it very nicely... .she would always tell all her cyberbuddies about me... .how much she loved me... .that we were soulmates... .then 10 mins afterwards they would be doing it on the cam or phone... .how bizarre... .

this cyber craziness can do way more damage then ur partner having a one night stand... . 

[C12P21]

I think it is an addiction, objectifies the people involved (using each other as objects for physical stimulation and release) and the person engaged in this activity is taking time away from their significant intimate relationship with their partner-hence a form of addiction.

The person involved in this is removed from the attachment of one person, a bonded, connected, intimate relationship.

I know not everyone shares my view, but good heavens, when is enough, enough?

[Harker]

@harker: and thats what happened... .although i still love her... .i completely lost any respect or trust in her... .

How do you define love?  Are respect and trust not elements of love?

[BrienBear]

Humm, I think that gay people and heterosexual people look at this a lot differently.  

?

People are people! I know loose straight men and sexually jealous and possesive gay men. This idea that gay people are like sex rabbits never committing to a partner comes from one section of their "poly" community which we have also in the straight, look at swingers and infidelity in straight relationships? Gay people seem to be the ones striving for marriage and these values we associate with it, actively battling for monogomany in many cases. Unless I have misunderstood you Icare, but this attitude that gay men and lesbians are putting it about everywhere is really not fair.

I am a gay man

Said this in another thread, but I DEFINITELY believe gay men are FAR more open to "alternative" relationships than straight people. I can name off the top of my head 3 different triads (three people in one relationship) and FAR more than that "open" relationships. And note - these people are "married" to the best that their state allows them.

But like you said - I dont think it can be said that ALL gay men are X and ALL straight men are Y. People are people. I just think MY people tend to be more predisposed to giving into our natural insticts more than the other side

Key party anyone?

@Man34 - listen buddy - it isn't about what OUR opinion is, its about what YOU want in your relationship and what boundries YOU set. If you dont feel comfortable with yer girl showin' her *ahem* on cam, you have every right to put your foot down about it. BPDgf/w or not - she needs to respect your feelings (And vice versa, dont get me wrong.) A relationship is a two way street.

However, we're also talking about pwBPD... .they're... .a little different in terms of their thinking on two way streets there

[2010]

“Problems are not the problem; coping is the problem.” Virginia Satir   

How you feel and the way you cope with the feelings that arise from something that upsets you only creates a problem when you are not heard.  To minimize, devalue, discount or deny behaviors that cross boundaries and hurt others is an emotional preventative mechanism that keeps the personality disorderer's loved ones at a distance. It is a true fear of intimacy. What could be better than cyber sex for people who use people? It's very common in BPD and NPD- especially when mirroring in exchange sex.

Mirroring is the behaviour in which one person copies another person while in social interaction with them. It may include miming gestures, movements, body language, muscle tensions, expressions, tones, eye movements, breathing, tempo, accent, attitude, choice of words/metaphors and other aspects of communication that temporarily give a brief bond and fill up the self-esteem.  This is all done via the webcam.  Cyber sex is available 24 hrs. easily- and used by people in brief mini-cycles with zero to no fear of rejection.  It is a digital fail-safe for analog relationships. At the rate society is going, there will be more Schizoid Hermit type people who never leave their computers.

And yes, it is an addiction. It is the largest growing 12-step program in recent history, having overtaken gambling and ranking up with eating and substance disorders.  People are now using technology to get off on each other without ever meeting in real life.  And that's a real problem for people who want to have a relationship.