Need some support... please

[rosebud]

Ok, so I ventured over to his facebook.  Lots of new pictures of of him and her and her family and countryside popped up today... .  I guess this is their second meeting in her country.  All smiles.  Lots of talk of marriage, love, she's kind and adorable, a tiger... .nice.  Much younger, much more exotic.  Why the hell am I torturing myself?  His page used to be private, as was hers.  As soon as the first trip, engagement and pictures, waalaa... .they both made their pages public.  I blocked, but slip and look I admit.  He's speaking Spanish now, she's speaking English.  No activity for a long time and now more pictures.  Here's the thing I'm hung up on... .Obviously I wouldn't take him back after all of this... .it's been that way for a while.  But they found each other on a marriage site.  Literally looking for a life mate.  Wants to get to US, her and her daughter.  Ok, each to his own who am I to judge.  But when we got back together last year, he told her (I saw) that he was getting back with his ex and to respect our relationship and leave him alone.  She continued to contact him.  Even his status on his page which everyone can see goes from single (after our divorce) to in a relationship (with me) for a long time, to single (our final break-up) and IMMEDIATELY to engaged (to her).  They got engaged probably right after our break-up, the pictures went up right at 2 months.  WHY isn't she split black yet?  She's still white as the driven snow.  I don't get it.  Pure, perfect, beautiful, good, adorable, hot (his opinion, not mine... I don't think she's all that).  His cycle at least when he sees you everyday is 2 months like clockwork...   We've been apart going on 6 months.  WTH?   

Is this a validation issue?... .well, yes I guess it is.  Please help me sort through the emotions and confusion.  I don't understand this timetable, I shouldn't care, but honestly, it's bugging me.  Does the cycle change if it's a LDR?  Or is she really just what he needed and I wasn't... .after all the things that were said.  God please release me from this nightmare, it's unbearable.  I'm interested in knowing how LDR's work with pwBPD.  He has to be on the phone, email, skype 24/7 so I know it's not few and far between.

[havana]

I think ldr's are perfectly suited for a pwBPD. He might have someone else close by on the side.

[TonyC]

ro... .you dont know how this is going to work... .ldrs... ick... .but... maybe shes not close enough yet... and maybe she has a plan... and he is not in it... .

coming here... might be the only thing on her mind... and him paying the bills for such... .

you dont know... and you could twist yourself up over this... .

would you feel better... if she dropped him like a bad habit... and he came knocking on your door?

hi honey im home?

detach... .youve excaped  youve earned a new life... .

and you wasting time check on him and facebook and all that stuff...

God please release me from this nightmare, it's unbearable.

you are released... but you keep looking ... .dont its damageing to you, your self esteem...

and your not going to move on... .you will remain... .

[rosebud]

I think ldr's are perfectly suited for a pwBPD. He might have someone else close by on the side.

No doubt.  I don't think he would be able to survive.

[rosebud]

ro... .you dont know how this is going to work... .ldrs... ick... .but... maybe shes not close enough yet... and maybe she has a plan... and he is not in it... .

coming here... might be the only thing on her mind... and him paying the bills for such... .

you dont know... and you could twist yourself up over this... .

would you feel better... if she dropped him like a bad habit... and he came knocking on your door?

hi honey im home?

detach... .youve excaped  youve earned a new life... .

and you wasting time check on him and facebook and all that stuff...

God please release me from this nightmare, it's unbearable.

you are released... but you keep looking ... .dont its damageing to you, your self esteem...

and your not going to move on... .you will remain... .

You're right Tony, and funny thing I know all of this.  I thought I was stronger.  I don't get that either.  No, if he knocked on my door, I wouldn't answer it.

[Nutts45]

Hang in there... . 

Remember you were white once... .

 

[TonyC]

we all think we are stronger... .

if he posted on face book...

i am miserable and lonely and lost a wonderful woman... .

would you feel better... .?probabaly not you would blame yourself

and cry... .

peeking has no postive effects... .post about you... your free !

see chances are her only interest is to become a us citizen... and he is the key...

marriage site huh... .dont you see that as desparation on his part... .?he is buying a spouse... .and spending lots of money in the process...

good luck to him... .

Is this a validation issue?... . i see validation   you arent... .

mail order bride site... .?

[rosebud]

Hang in there... . 

Remember you were white once... .

 

Thanks for the hug dsnutt, I needed that!   x

[rosebud]

we all think we are stronger... .

if he posted on face book...

i am miserable and lonely and lost a wonderful woman... .

would you feel better... .?probabaly not you would blame yourself

and cry... .

peeking has no postive effects... .post about you... your free !

see chances are her only interest is to become a us citizen... and he is the key...

marriage site huh... .dont you see that as desparation on his part... .?he is buying a spouse... .and spending lots of money in the process...

good luck to him... .

Is this a validation issue?... . i see validation   you arent... .

mail order bride site... .?

:'(  You're right.  ahhhh... .

[DAS]

Is this a validation issue?... .well, yes I guess it is.  Please help me sort through the emotions and confusion.  I don't understand this timetable, I shouldn't care, but honestly, it's bugging me.  Does the cycle change if it's a LDR?  Or is she really just what he needed and I wasn't... .after all the things that were said.  God please release me from this nightmare, it's unbearable.  I'm interested in knowing how LDR's work with pwBPD.  He has to be on the phone, email, skype 24/7 so I know it's not few and far between.

LDRs probably are easier for pwBPD and less likely to trigger due to the greatly reduced frequency of intimate contact. Also - WAY easier for them to find someone else on the side.

Unless he is in treatment, he won't be better. She will be painted black eventually.

[TonyC]

what is the crying face about... .

you werent happy... you were miserable... .!

yes maybe its too soon... so you feel betrayed... ., unworthy... depressed... .

you need to realise... .you love and can be loved... .

and untill you accept that you put yourself in limbo... and limbo sucks... .

you need to move on... and visit life beyond BPD... .and the headaches. , and thw wondering , the thinking ,the crying   and walking on eggshells... are yesterday...

thats not your problem anymore... .

thats the new womans problem... she will eventually... be the one. to deal with him... when he throws the switch... and goes bzerk... .and leaves her and the daughter a mess... .or he goes home... and finds them gone... .cause hes not as advertised... .

cause it will happen... .and you dont need to witness it, hear about it or see it

you need to see that... .

you are a free valuable person... .and this wont happen untill you say the words in the mirror... .

and throw the crap of his you hid under the bed away... .

[rosebud]

Is this a validation issue?... .well, yes I guess it is.  Please help me sort through the emotions and confusion.  I don't understand this timetable, I shouldn't care, but honestly, it's bugging me.  Does the cycle change if it's a LDR?  Or is she really just what he needed and I wasn't... .after all the things that were said.  God please release me from this nightmare, it's unbearable.  I'm interested in knowing how LDR's work with pwBPD.  He has to be on the phone, email, skype 24/7 so I know it's not few and far between.

LDRs probably are easier for pwBPD and less likely to trigger due to the greatly reduced frequency of intimate contact. Also - WAY easier for them to find someone else on the side.

Unless he is in treatment, he won't be better. She will be painted black eventually.

He's not in treatment and is in complete denial.  It's everyone else who's screwed up.  Thanks, DAS... you make a lot of sense.  Why this hurts is beyond me, I can't think straight.  Guess I still love the nut, but don't want him back at the same time due to all the hell that is BPD.

[DAS]

He's not in treatment and is in complete denial.  It's everyone else who's screwed up.  Thanks, DAS... you make a lot of sense.  Why this hurts is beyond me, I can't think straight.  Guess I still love the nut, but don't want him back at the same time due to all the hell that is BPD.

  I know I've been tempted to check up on my ex through the few channels I've left open. Every time I've done it - it just hurts more cause she's carried on as if nothing happened.

So I can empathize... .  x

[KMTTP]

  I know I've been tempted to check up on my ex through the few channels I've left open. Every time I've done it - it just hurts more cause she's carried on as if nothing happened.

So I can empathize... .  x[/quote]
So true... .it is normal to be attempted to peek, but like DAS says... .it always hurts more... .that is why I had to block my ex on FB... .I was torturing myself.  You will be fine... .just hang in there!

[turtlesoup]

I think ldr's are perfectly suited for a pwBPD. He might have someone else close by on the side.

This is the truth. Me and my exBPD were LDR for 8 months and it was great and she did have someone else on the side! When we got together properly here in the UK she lasted out only 2 months before crazy crazy occured.

However, it doesnt mean LDR is gonna work full time, we have a lot of LDR people here thoroughly confused after 2-3-4 years. They hardly see each other so his cycle is longer. Only this.

[kly]

Rosebud,

I think I understand.  You were on the carousel for a long time, and you probably tried to earn your way back into his good graces every time he pushed you away.  He trained you to do that.  It fed his needs.  And it's a cycle you haven't completely broken free from, even though you are over him.

Yeah, it would be nice if he came to the door on his knees so you could reject him.  There would be some satisfaction in that.  What a pisser that instead, he's off on expensive vacations to see his exotic lady love.  LDRs are heady.  He can be perfect to her and her family, he's only around them long enough to enjoy the highs.  When he gets  back home and hits the lows, he blames it on the fact that he misses her so much... . 

You know what the reality is, though.  This temporary fantasy he's engaged in is all illusion.  I feel sorry for the gal, she's in for a really horrible time if she marries him and gets stuck with him in the United States--no family, language barrier, loony husband.  

Rosebud, it's hard not to take certain things personally, but his illness was never about you.  

Think of it this way.  He's still in Groundhog Day.  His life is a loop, that he relives over and over again.

You have a universe ahead of you that is open and ready for you to rocket around in!  You have tomorrows filled with possibilities, and more tomorrows after those.

x

[hiddenlizard]

I don't have the temptation of Facebook but my stbx's profile has remained on a sex/dating site. One of the photos he has posted is of his lips. (excuse me one moment   )

I try to convince myself that I can deal with seeing him in another relationship but I know I will be avoiding some of the places that might happen. I visualize him coming up to say hi and introducing me to his new victim. I visualize myself saying hi to him and good luck to her.

Here is some lyrics from a song called "Winsome Smile" by Chris Smither: (change gender if needed)

but time will wound all heels and it ain't pretty

with any luck at all she'll find some dope that you can pity... .

(I need a hug too x)

[rosebud]

I think ldr's are perfectly suited for a pwBPD. He might have someone else close by on the side.

This is the truth. Me and my exBPD were LDR for 8 months and it was great and she did have someone else on the side! When we got together properly here in the UK she lasted out only 2 months before crazy crazy occured.

However, it doesnt mean LDR is gonna work full time, we have a lot of LDR people here thoroughly confused after 2-3-4 years. They hardly see each other so his cycle is longer. Only this.

They're just waiting on her Visa interview and approval.  She'll probably be here in late May, June... .he bought a new house.  Then I believe after she's here, they have 90 days to get hitched or she has to go back.  I'm sure it will happen in record time.  For him - BPD super-impulsive, lonely; for her Visa and marriage, new life for her and her daughter...  who knows maybe they really are in love.

[turtlesoup]

I think ldr's are perfectly suited for a pwBPD. He might have someone else close by on the side.

This is the truth. Me and my exBPD were LDR for 8 months and it was great and she did have someone else on the side! When we got together properly here in the UK she lasted out only 2 months before crazy crazy occured.

However, it doesnt mean LDR is gonna work full time, we have a lot of LDR people here thoroughly confused after 2-3-4 years. They hardly see each other so his cycle is longer. Only this.

They're just waiting on her Visa interview and approval.  She'll probably be here in late May, June... .he bought a new house.  Then I believe after she's here, they have 90 days to get hitched or she has to go back.  I'm sure it will happen in record time.  For him - BPD super-impulsive, lonely; for her Visa and marriage, new life for her and her daughter...  who knows maybe they really are in love.

Yeah, BPD love, the kind of love you had originally but it will sour and then, think of it this way, this woman is coming from a foreign country bringing her kid, she is in for a nasty nasty surprise, what she thinks will give her freedom may turn out to be a life sentence with a monstor.

I think some days we don't realise how lucky we are to get rid of them. It's a blessing. My exBPD was this close > < to getting me to drop everything and move just 200 miles away and I thank the lord I had the good sense not to ditch my friends and come live in a remote area with her. Can you imagine? Hell On Toast.

[rosebud]

I think I understand.  You were on the carousel for a long time, and you probably tried to earn your way back into his good graces every time he pushed you away.  He trained you to do that.  It fed his needs.  And it's a cycle you haven't completely broken free from, even though you are over him.

Perhaps that's it too, kly.  Well trained. ;p   It's painful.  I know I'm alive though, I can definitely feel.  So hard to wrap my head around the insanity of it all.  Thanks for your encouragement.

[TonyC]

how about.91 days... and she spits on him and runs... .

[rosebud]

I don't have the temptation of Facebook but my stbx's profile has remained on a sex/dating site. One of the photos he has posted is of his lips. (excuse me one moment   )

I try to convince myself that I can deal with seeing him in another relationship but I know I will be avoiding some of the places that might happen. I visualize him coming up to say hi and introducing me to his new victim. I visualize myself saying hi to him and good luck to her.

Here is some lyrics from a song called "Winsome Smile" by Chris Smither: (change gender if needed)

but time will wound all heels and it ain't pretty

with any luck at all she'll find some dope that you can pity... .

(I need a hug too x)

His lips?  Oh noo.    Yes, we live near each other, and I'm dreading that.  I haven't wanted to run into him alone, muchless with his rebound replacement wife.  I'll cross that bridge when I come to it... .hopefully never.  It will probably happen, unless I move. 

(here's a hug for you too...   x)

[TonyC]

so ro what are you doin for you... .?

[rosebud]

so ro what are you doin for you... .?

For starters, I'm here.  Right here with kindred spirits I can talk to.  It's more helpful than I can ever express.  It takes a lot for me to open up (very private), and I feel safe and comfortable here.  I have wonderful family and friends, but I can't talk to them about this, and they're physically not nearby.  I'm gardening, looking for full-time employment, enjoying my critters, the country and the lake.  So glad I'm not in the city going through all of this.  I have supportive neighbors, who should he come by would be on full alert and have my back.  I wish I could afford a T and/or get on antidepressants, but that's not in the cards right now.  This is my therapy... .here. 

[rosebud]

how about.91 days... and she spits on him and runs... .

haha... .that would be lovely.

[TonyC]

dont worry you would be the first to know... .

im glad you have us... but you cant do the gardening forever... .

and you might be surprised to talk to family and they knew... .

[rosebud]

what is the crying face about... .

you werent happy... you were miserable... .!

yes maybe its too soon... so you feel betrayed... ., unworthy... depressed... .



you need to realise... .you love and can be loved... .

and untill you accept that you put yourself in limbo... and limbo sucks... .

you need to move on... and visit life beyond BPD... .and the headaches. , and thw wondering , the thinking ,the crying   and walking on eggshells... are yesterday...

thats not your problem anymore... .

thats the new womans problem... she will eventually... be the one. to deal with him... when he throws the switch... and goes bzerk... .and leaves her and the daughter a mess... .or he goes home... and finds them gone... .cause hes not as advertised... .

cause it will happen... .and you dont need to witness it, hear about it or see it

you need to see that... .

you are a free valuable person... .and this wont happen untill you say the words in the mirror... .

and throw the crap of his you hid under the bed away... .

Tony, how'd you get to be so wise?

Another thing I'm proud of and grateful for is my resolve to remain NC, it's been difficult (ok I peeked, but he doesn't know that) because, if/when this switch happens from white to black, I won't be the scapegoat.  It will be on him and her... .I won't be blamed for this one.  For once!... .they blame for everything as we all know.  It's on them and between them.  I'm out.

Back to the NC issue... for me, which is really what it's all about.  Yes, the facebook peeking totally sucks, it hurts and keeps me in limbo.  My rationale has been that I want a bit of a heads up, so I won't be caught off guard should I run into him or the both of them, because he will surely rub it in my face (his M.O., and the more I learn about her she's like that too) and I want to be above that by then.  A little warning helps.  Also the validation issue, which Tony, you gave me another post.  I'm not a m-o-b... .Desperate people do desperate things.

[rosebud]

dont worry you would be the first to know... .

im glad you have us... but you cant do the gardening forever... .

and you might be surprised to talk to family and they knew... .

I talked to them right after the split, because he had already emailed everyone and cursed them out, and me.  Nice guy.  Emotional blackmail.  :)amage control and explanations were necessary.  Yes they knew... .all of them.  They couldn't believe I took him back after the divorce, and neither could I, but I had to go through it, didn't know about BPD and was hurt, he was loving and needy, and couldn't figure this out at the time to save my life.  To talk to them now about it however after all this time... .they'd wonder why on earth I was thinking about him at all.  None of them understand borderline, and this isn't your normal relationship/break-up.  There are so many layers that I couldn't possibly explain.  Their word for my ex, among others is very "unstable" and "disturbed".  They know.

[rosebud]

I think ldr's are perfectly suited for a pwBPD. He might have someone else close by on the side.

This is the truth. Me and my exBPD were LDR for 8 months and it was great and she did have someone else on the side! When we got together properly here in the UK she lasted out only 2 months before crazy crazy occured.

However, it doesnt mean LDR is gonna work full time, we have a lot of LDR people here thoroughly confused after 2-3-4 years. They hardly see each other so his cycle is longer. Only this.

Interesting.

I think ldr's are perfectly suited for a pwBPD. He might have someone else close by on the side.

This is the truth. Me and my exBPD were LDR for 8 months and it was great and she did have someone else on the side! When we got together properly here in the UK she lasted out only 2 months before crazy crazy occured.

However, it doesnt mean LDR is gonna work full time, we have a lot of LDR people here thoroughly confused after 2-3-4 years. They hardly see each other so his cycle is longer. Only this.

They're just waiting on her Visa interview and approval.  She'll probably be here in late May, June... .he bought a new house.  Then I believe after she's here, they have 90 days to get hitched or she has to go back.  I'm sure it will happen in record time.  For him - BPD super-impulsive, lonely; for her Visa and marriage, new life for her and her daughter...   who knows maybe they really are in love.

Yeah, BPD love, the kind of love you had originally but it will sour and then, think of it this way, this woman is coming from a foreign country bringing her kid, she is in for a nasty nasty surprise, what she thinks will give her freedom may turn out to be a life sentence with a monstor.

I think some days we don't realise how lucky we are to get rid of them. It's a blessing. My exBPD was this close > < to getting me to drop everything and move just 200 miles away and I thank the lord I had the good sense not to ditch my friends and come live in a remote area with her. Can you imagine? Hell On Toast.

Yes she's in for a rude awakening.  She pursued him, tackled him, got him.  and he's happy as a pwBPD can be (for now).  Sorry at this point I don't feel too much sympathy for either one of them.  She knew.  Who I worry about is the child.

I realize I'm lucky ts, we all are.  What a blessing you didn't make that move.  Hell on toast is right.  I miss the closeness (I fell in love with him), but it doesn't come without the flip side.  Thanks friend for your insight on this.  x

[turtlesoup]

I think ldr's are perfectly suited for a pwBPD. He might have someone else close by on the side.

This is the truth. Me and my exBPD were LDR for 8 months and it was great and she did have someone else on the side! When we got together properly here in the UK she lasted out only 2 months before crazy crazy occured.

However, it doesnt mean LDR is gonna work full time, we have a lot of LDR people here thoroughly confused after 2-3-4 years. They hardly see each other so his cycle is longer. Only this.

Interesting.

I think ldr's are perfectly suited for a pwBPD. He might have someone else close by on the side.

This is the truth. Me and my exBPD were LDR for 8 months and it was great and she did have someone else on the side! When we got together properly here in the UK she lasted out only 2 months before crazy crazy occured.

However, it doesnt mean LDR is gonna work full time, we have a lot of LDR people here thoroughly confused after 2-3-4 years. They hardly see each other so his cycle is longer. Only this.

They're just waiting on her Visa interview and approval.  She'll probably be here in late May, June... .he bought a new house.  Then I believe after she's here, they have 90 days to get hitched or she has to go back.  I'm sure it will happen in record time.  For him - BPD super-impulsive, lonely; for her Visa and marriage, new life for her and her daughter...   who knows maybe they really are in love.

Yeah, BPD love, the kind of love you had originally but it will sour and then, think of it this way, this woman is coming from a foreign country bringing her kid, she is in for a nasty nasty surprise, what she thinks will give her freedom may turn out to be a life sentence with a monstor.

I think some days we don't realise how lucky we are to get rid of them. It's a blessing. My exBPD was this close > < to getting me to drop everything and move just 200 miles away and I thank the lord I had the good sense not to ditch my friends and come live in a remote area with her. Can you imagine? Hell On Toast.

Yes she's in for a rude awakening.  She pursued him, tackled him, got him.  and he's happy as a pwBPD can be (for now).  Sorry at this point I don't feel too much sympathy for either one of them.  She knew.  Who I worry about is the child.

I realize I'm lucky ts, we all are.  What a blessing you didn't make that move.  Hell on toast is right.  I miss the closeness (I fell in love with him), but it doesn't come without the flip side.  Thanks friend for your insight on this.  x

You will have that closeness again Rosebud, with someone awesome who appreiciates you and when you have that you will look back on this time in your life and not only feel relief but you may even laugh! I don't have anyone new, I wont for a while as I'm taking a time out, but I can already see what a tizz I worked myself into and how much hurt I allowed into my life and as my old morals and principles and self awareness come back I can see that this episode in my life... .how I ever stood for it for so long, is incredible, but I did and I need to be aware of my capacity for accepting hurtful situations.

Oh Rosebud, if only time and continent were not against us!