She text... and I replied

[jalk]

I replied on encouo, ragement from my sis. We were laughing about it. Let me briefly explain. My ex and I did this photo shoot about 5 years ago with the theme of "Love is What Makes a Family".  (no kidding right?  It's so ironic) So  my ex and I are in this pic, in a loving embrace (gag) and now it has been making it's rounds to different university campuses... .and now to our

local university campus. My ex texted that it is the lead pic to the exhibition. I did not respond to her all day and then later, after talkin with my sis, she said, text back... ."ya don't say?"  and leave it at that... .lif I were to get a reply text back "huh?"   and if another reply text "I'll be danged"... .etc etc. We were laughing about this so  sent the 1st reply. Nothing came back of course.

I'm just hoping I have't gave her the wrong impression now that now I've responded, I want her to be my friend... .I don't. I just wanted to be a smart ass. I probably validated her somehow and she feels good about herself in some warped way.Wha I really wanted to say was ... ."how ironic"... .either way, I did it. I feel indifferent. I would feel like crap if I were her. sp. with that theme and what she has done to us. She is so weird.

[PDQuick]

Ok Jalk, I call BS. What is really the reason you text back?

[jalk]

PDQ... .honestly. The reason I did it was to be funny. My sis said, 'how could she reply to that... .you don't say?' I thought it was  funny too and I was ready with the next reply as a "huh" ... .I know it sounds fishy like I wanted to text her but I didn't or else I would have as soon as I got the text... .which was earlier that day. She hasn't replied and thats good. I didn't expect her to.

PDQ, I want to thank you for helping me toe the line over ther many months of my break-up. I think I suffer from PTSD... .I wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares about her that seem so real. On the other hand, I have been doing a lot of inward searching for answers in myself. I came up with a few. One very important one occured a couple days ago. The reason why I am having such a hard time totally ridding her from my mind. It is like an addiction. My answer: she made me feel good... .she made me feel good about me. Now, with that said, I know I am the only one who should make me feel good about me. I am working on it. Thank you.

[PDQuick]

Youre welcome Jalk, I am just doing for you what others did for me. Paying it forward.

It is an addiction, and yes, we did feel good during the precious moments of these relationships. Scared to lose these feelings, we held on in the not-so-precious moments that filled most of the time and gaps. It is in our fear of losing what we wanted that we allowed ourselves to be subjected to all of those things we didnt like. It was in our non-acceptance of what we had, that also perpetuated these relationships.

The reason I called BS, is that you did this for a reason. Yeah, I can see where it would be funny. I also know that it would be amusement at her expense. Given that, it would be at the cost of her emotions that the laugh would have come. Pleasure from pain. Not a very nice thing to do to a woman that already has more emotional issues than most people we know. You were stabbing at her, poking her, and then, if it blew up in your face, you would have wondered why. Those signs at the zoo are there for a reason, "Please do not feed the bears."

[holden_caulfield]

PDQ is spot on in his asessment.

Everytime you respond, you lose a piece of yourself, for why you respond.  It is easy to keep a distant "closeness", but in the end; they are the ones who are distant.  If that fulfills you, then you have deeper issues that go beyond the traditional "bad relationship"

You really need to ask yourself some questions so you can determine what it is YOU need and want... . 

Relationships are about trust and mutual respect and understanding of one another.   

Are you geting that?

If not, then there are motives that you have... and you need to qustion this most importantly! 

In other words... .you need to understand why you REACT and ADAPT... .  make an assessment, and

THEN determine what you want the total outcome to be.


From there, you have a crossroad of decision points. 

Just an FYI... .I am finding that people here have a tough time with committing to a decision point.  Alot of vascillating.  Make YOUR mind up as to what it is that you want and need and formulate a plan accordingly.  No reason to stay stuck.

HC

[IndieFreedom67]

PDQ - You are spot on here!  Very well said.

[Discarded]

i've still yet to get the knowledge that i'm better off to move from my head to my heart.

but it's only been 6 weeks. that being said, pdq is going to save me a lot of money. his

posts have already helped me more than my therapist. i do catch myself fantasizing about

what i would say if i could talk to her, so i know that i'm still hooked. but today is the second

day in a row that i don't have that knot in the bottom of my throat & that sick feeling in my gut.

[Colombian Chick]

I highly recommend this book:

Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships

Product Description

Love addiction manifests in many forms, from Fatal Attraction-type obsessive lust to less extreme but nonetheless psychologically and emotionally harmful forms. The most common of these is staying in a bad relationship because of a fear of being alone-the "I hate you but don'¬?t leave me" relationship. In ADDICTION TO LOVE, recovering love addict Susan Peabody explains the variety of ways this disorder plays out, from the obsessively doting love addict to the addict who can'¬?t disentangle from an unfulfilling, dead-end relationship. Peabody provides an in-depth and easy-to-follow recovery program for those suffering from this unhealthy and often dangerous addiction and explains how to create a loving, safe, and fulfilling relationship.A seminal work on unhealthy and obsessive behaviors in love, and how to change behavior to have a positive relationship. This third edition includes a new introduction and revisions to the text throughout.Some symptoms of love addiction include love at first sight, excessive fantasizing, abnormal jealousy, nagging, and accepting dishonesty.

[sarah1234]

I sometimes have not managed to resist the temptation to be or say something really nasty to my exbf, because I am so damn angry with him/myself. Its cruel I realise, and it always encourages him to think 'at least I am still on her mind, even if its bad attention'. I have laughed at him, I have been mean, he is quite low-f but it just makes him text me even more.

any type of attention to a BPD is attention. And your attention is what they are trying to gain. 

Dont do it to her, and don't do it to yourself either

[LeroyBrown]

Jalk, my brother I know it's bloody tempting to wanna mess with them. I can think of about 17 ways off the top of my head I could screw with my my ex because I know she had bulimia, etc. If I wanted to be mean, I could probably drive the girl off the deep-end dude. It sure is tempting after all she put me through.

1. We have a conscience, they suppress theirs

2. It only keeps you engaged

3. You're better than that. We all are.

She caught you in a moment where you were feeling spry and wanted to poke a jab back at her. Dude, the best revenge you can get is to get healthy and whole and at peace with yourself. She ain't neeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvver gonna have that.

In solidarity,

Leroy Brown

[jalk]

Yeah, I suppose you all are right. I was just poking and jabbing at her. I personally don't care how she feels. She can rot in hell for all I care. It's just amazes me how after a year, I do not respond to her texts and she still texts me. If I texted someone who never reponded, I would stop texting... .wouldn't you? Again, trying to figure out crazy and there is no way to figure crazy out.

[kj1234]

She didn't feel the pain you went through and she doesn't empathize.  So she probably has no idea of the pain you went through and can't understand why you would have any bad feelings.  I imagine my ex the same way.  I could do some bad things to her and I will so some, but only those with a purpose that goes beyond just making her feel bad, which is tempting but I don't want to play that game.  There are some other things I want to finish that have to do with making sure equitable distribution is as equitable as possible for me and a couple of other things that have to do with criminal activities and correcting some the effects of some legal acts against me.  Maybe I am fortunate that I have those arenas to play this stuff out in.  No contact needed.  Am I guaranteed to get the outcomes I am expecting?  No.  Might I put myself at risk of personal harm because of scumbags and criminals in her family, or her "lovers"?  Maybe, but I am willing to risk that.  When it is all done, will it fully heal what I feel?  Definitely not.  But I think I will feel like I did what I felt was right and will just have to deal with whatever is left.

Now that your ex is apparently engaged to Smokey (you don't know that the wedding will happen or that the marriage will last long) it may seem like she won in some way and got away with whatever she did.  I know that's how I think sometimes when I think about my ex, who can't be married yet because we haven't finished our divorce.  One of my final parting gifts may be to expose her to her soulmate at the time.  It may be a race because if she has someone in position she may try to get him to the alter in a matter of weeks, like she did with me (2-3 weeks after her ultimatum we were married).

It seems there is nothing for you to get involved with and nothing you can or should do at this point.  I see no real harm in that one reply to the text if it gives you one last bit of satisfaction, but it seems time to let it go now.  Best wishes my friend.  You have been an inspiration to me in your strength at remaining NC all this time, especially in the early months.  You mentioned you felt indifferent after the exchange.  Maybe this little exchange and you feeling indifferent about it will take away any fear you might have had of what you might have felt if you did reply.  I know it was a relief to me after seeing stbxw in court twice recently.  After all that time never seeing her after her departure, it was like the anticipation and uncertainty are gone.

[C12P21]

Jalk,

I have nothing to offer other than it seems like you are still in emotional pain about this relationship. So here you go x

Support and care.

C

[NHBeachBum]

Yeah, I suppose you all are right. I was just poking and jabbing at her. I personally don't care how she feels. She can rot in hell for all I care. It's just amazes me how after a year, I do not respond to her texts and she still texts me. If I texted someone who never reponded, I would stop texting... .wouldn't you? Again, trying to figure out crazy and there is no way to figure crazy out.

Jalk,

You ex could be texting many different exes (not just you) to see who responds. She could be just randomly, impulsively including you on a list of exes in hopes that eventually you'll bite. I can't imagine that I'm the only ex-soul mate my exBPDgf is stalking. She's just gotta be spreading the wealth! Crazy is as crazy does!

-NHBB

[jalk]

Yeah, maybe she is stalking other ex's of hers. I don't know. I don't care. She was contacting her recent ex when she was with me so who knows what she's doing. I really think she contacts one ex and tries to find the next victim and keeps the present victim entertained. That's a pretty full plate.

I should apologize for sounding so angry and resentful before, when I said she could rot in hell for all I care. I guess I feel angry about all of this. I guess that means I'm still trapped in the healing phase. I can't wait until I am healed ... .learn the lessons and move on. I've made some strides forward and in many ways feel much better than I did a last June. I'm getting there. Nobody said it would be easy but I am getting there. And so will you.

[kj1234]

I've made some strides forward and in many ways feel much better than I did a last June. I'm getting there. Nobody said it would be easy but I am getting there. And so will you.

[2010]

Being used and feeling used by a person with BPD are two different things. You cannot stop feeling used if you dont stop being used. Anything that is used against you has to be let go. It has to be ignored. Otherwise you will continue this dance until someone really gets aggressive and eventually hurt badly.  Your sister is wrong and out of line to encourage you to continue this madness.

From Breaking Up with a Borderline https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm There are Ten beliefs that get your stuck: Number 2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel.

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don't count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening.

When any relationship breaks down, it's often because the partners are on a different “page” - but much more so when your partner suffers from borderline personality disorder.

At this point, there are no rules. There are no clear loyalties. Each successive break-up increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.

[DAS]

So she probably has no idea of the pain you went through and can't understand why you would have any bad feelings.

I can imagine, in my moments of good thinking, that it is true that our pwBPD actually can't understand why you would have any bad feelings. But it is only because they are permanent entrenched in much deeper and more abiding pain that they seek to repress and shift in order to survive.

We can be happy when we get out. Without therapy, they never can.

[jalk]

No, I never said I was being used or abused by her last text to me. What she texted to me is a fact. We posed for this pic... .called Love Makes a Family... .and we are in it together and its on display at our local university. She texted me and told me... .for what purpose she felt the need to do this, I do not know. I find it rather ironic under the circustances and quite laughable. I know she doesn't feel about the relationship as I did otherwise, we may still have been together. There is no commitment on her part and no reason to stay. So what.

[C12P21]

Jalk,

Her texting you reminds me of a story of my brother. My brother once shot a bird with his bb gun. The bird was laying on the ground flopping around before dying. My brother poked it with a stick to see if it would flop around more until it finally died. My brother cried to see what he had done but didn't stop shooting birds. He was a very destructive kid.

He finally was sent to a school for emotionally and mentally ill kids. During that time, he put his gun up, never shot another bird and in adult life never harmed another animal.

He didn't understand his behavior without special help. I never forgot that day, the bird, his tears, and the lesson not learned but acted out over and over again until he got professional help.

Your ex is a sick, unhealed, little kid inside and she is poking you. Does she feel the same way about the relationship? Who knows, what she apparently feels is a need to poke you to see if you still have lasting breath inside for the relationship. What do you need to do to protect yourself from this sick person that hurt you? Do you need to lay on the ground and flutter or do you fly away?

I understand your hurt and confusion as I still care about my ex. I also know every day I tell myself I didn't create his illness, he doesn't understand himself, and there is nothing I can do. BPD's will continue to poke those they have hurt because they are projecting their pain onto you.

She is in pain, Jalk. She isn't happy with herself. She wants to bounce off of you to see if you will respond. There is a song by Pete Yorn titled "Paradise Cove" the refrain is 'I got what I wanted when you showed up, I got what I wanted and it wasn't enough, I got what I wanted when you showed up, I got what I wanted and its never enough".

They are never full-they are like a black hole of need that no amount of love, compassion, or empathy will ever fill. And when they feel their empty souls sucking them into despair, they project their emptiness onto you. Either through vauge contact that makes no sense as they try to figure out what the disconnect is... .and through your response they feel less empty and more alive. They get a response, another fleeting moment, no matter how temporary that you still are there, you still exist, you are a possibility of the future should they decide to return. But while they twist and turn inside, they chase another and another possibility to fill them. And it is never enough.

Just don't be there waiting for her.

x

C

[jalk]

Thank you C12. I have no intentions of taking her back. The damage she has done is totally beyond repair. I do not trust her, at all. I just felt with the response I gave her... .it was kinda funny and hopefully irritated her. She is trying to get me to talk with her. I know that. I also know, she will continue to try at different times in the future. I keep ignoring her... .she keeps trying... .I keep ignoring her... .she keeps trying. Over and over. So I responded with a "smart ass" remark. Did it make her feel successful? I don't know. I don't care. It's her problem for how she feels. I can not be responsible for her feelings. Only mine. At that time, I had to laugh when I sent it. And what is cool about it is... .I don't care. If it ticked her off... .then cool. If she got pleasure from the response, well, good for her. It's her problem.

[sashasilver]

Wait a minute... .is this the same Jalk we congratulated last week for going a year with NC?

[jalk]

Sash,

Yup, that's me ok. I think. Not sure I was on this site last week but maybe. Yes I replied to her comment of a photo shoot we did together about "Love Makes a Family" which is now on exhibit. She felt the need to tell me this. Ironic, isn't it? Laughable actually. So, yes, I guess you might say I weakened and replied to her text with... ."ya don't say?"  I did not reply "Oh thank you honey for letting me know" or "I miss you so much hon, please come back" or "how have you been, I miss you so much"... .or "lets get together for coffee".  My reply was a simple... ."Ya don't say?"  It's pretty much like saying... ."and your point is"?  I know, it's still a response but I got a chuckle out of it. Have a good day... .I know I will. Take care.

[C12P21]

My reply was a simple... ."Ya don't say?"  It's pretty much like saying... ."and your point is"?  I know, it's still a response but I got a chuckle out of it. Have a good day... .I know I will. Take care.

Sounds like you are removing yourself from her if it gave you a chuckle and you can call it a day.

C

[sashasilver]

Sash,

Yup, that's me ok. I think. Not sure I was on this site last week but maybe. Yes I replied to her comment of a photo shoot we did together about "Love Makes a Family" which is now on exhibit. She felt the need to tell me this. Ironic, isn't it? Laughable actually. So, yes, I guess you might say I weakened and replied to her text with... ."ya don't say?"  I did not reply "Oh thank you honey for letting me know" or "I miss you so much hon, please come back" or "how have you been, I miss you so much"... .or "lets get together for coffee".  My reply was a simple... ."Ya don't say?"  It's pretty much like saying... ."and your point is"?  I know, it's still a response but I got a chuckle out of it. Have a good day... .I know I will. Take care.

Oh well... .no judgment, just wondering... .and I have to admit, if my BPD contacted me (although I highly doubt he ever would consider doing so) I've wondered what, if any, response I'd have... .