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Author Topic: how do you care by (seemingly) not caring?  (Read 687 times)
Jawadde
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« on: April 14, 2010, 02:18:34 PM »

Not sure how to task this in a short subject.  My uBPDw is going to have a very difficult time taking care of herself after the relationship, IMHO.  Some of her symptoms of procrastination and denial include house maintenance - cleaning, laundry.  She hasn't looked at a bank statement in 8 years probably.

My therapist told me bluntly point blank that it's not up to me to care or worry about her choices or how she takes care of herself as the relationship ends, how she gets on her feet, etc.  Jumping the gun, I would consider leaving her physically but I don't think she'll take care of the house.  In 98, after working on her own for several years, she went into day treatment and then her parents had to get her and bring her back with them.  This was soon before I met her.  Allegedly they were aghast and crying over the state of her apartment.  Although she was able to do it before.

My real question is this: How do you care by... .seeming not to care?  It will be interpreted as cold and callous if she asks for help and I decline.  Part of me feels it is cold and callous.  I have issues taking care of her probably.  I'll be working on those, but still.

I'm having drinks with a friend who got a divorce 3-4 years ago and another who is separated/in the process Saturday to find out about laws here in NC and their perspective.

Thanks everyone.
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DAS
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« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2010, 02:49:32 PM »

 It's not exactly seeming... .

Most of us here have realized we can't fix or change our BPD relationships and that it is healthiest for us to disengage from them and shift focus back onto us.

It's not necessarily that we don't care for the ex anymore (although it certainly is for me... .most of the time). It's just that we care for ourselves more.

So I agree with your therapist. The only person you can control in your life is you.

Good luck.
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GCD145
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« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2010, 02:50:14 PM »

I'm not sure I understand you. You're going to separate from her, but at the same time you're going to keep helping take care of her because she's unable to care for herself?

I think your therapist is correct.  Walk away and don't look back.  First, it's better for you than remaining enmeshed.  Second, you may find that you're surprised by what she can do when you're not there to pick up the pieces for her.

GCD145
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MxMan
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« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2010, 02:56:20 PM »

if you're enabling her by tending to her every need, it only makes her illness worse. The most caring thing you can do for her in that case is to walk away. i read (somewhere) in regard to a borderline break-up... .actually it may have been the "10 myths" document... .that a common thing many go through is worrying how our BPD exes will take care of themselves. The summary was "they got by before you, they will get by after".

I too agree with your therapists assessment. you need only concern yourself with your own wellbeing now. she is an adult, however low or high functioning. her responsibility is hers alone.
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VB
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« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2010, 05:06:38 PM »

You are not responsible for their happiness or their lives anymore (and TBH should we have ever been?). Each person should be able to look after themselves and run their lives. I know BPD's can't. I know how hard it is to let go and stop thinking ' Oh my God, they are gonna just dissolve without me.' Well they are not, and they won't. They coped before and they will cope after. You just ended up being their caregiver so they didn't need to do sweet f**k all! You did it all. I know I did! I had to go care for him 1 day after coming out of hospital when he should have been caring for me!

Let it go. Please make yourself happy and healthy. Let them crawl back under the stone that they appeared from. End of!  x
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2010
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« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2010, 07:29:25 PM »

Jo Coudert once wrote: The person who conveys, "I am nothing. Make me something," may all of his life have people trying to answer his hidden plea, but their answer will be in the terms of, "I am trying to make you something because you are nothing," and thus, an insult will be embedded in the response. It will be heard just as clearly as the attempt to help. And it will be hated. The hand held out will be seen as the same hand lifted to strike."

So, where does self-esteem come from? Given a reasonable childhood, it was deposited then. But what if someone's childhood wasn't reasonable? Then a little brainwashing is in order and a leap of faith that persons can correct their deficit.

Our very own history is studded with inadequacies and failures, and so is theirs. We must accept our failures and integrate them into ourselves. Denied failure can turn malignant, spreading, corrupting. Failure needs to be acknowledged. Not in despair but in sensible recognition.  The truth becomes evident when we let go of others and let be.

The only way to forgive is to forgive ourselves first. We must let go what we fear and hate in other people and recognize that it is only what we fear and hate in ourselves. We fear and hate their ability to wound us, to deprive us of love and respect. We fear and hate their ability to expose and exploit our inadequacies- to push our triggers as we push theirs. But if we stop tenderly guarding ourselves, if we accept ourselves for what we are, we can accept others for who they are and our fear and loathing drops away.  You have to let go now- and allow failure to be acknowledged.  Idea

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Jawadde
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« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2010, 10:16:31 PM »

I'm not sure I understand you. You're going to separate from her, but at the same time you're going to keep helping take care of her because she's unable to care for herself?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying, and you just phrased it in a way that doesn't make sense logically, yet that's the emotions that are going through me.  The way you put it makes perfect sense to me though and is changing my point of view.

Thank you everyone.  It's going to be tough.  I am dreading the day that it fully sinks in that the marriage is over.  I do not want to see her reaction.  I think she's going to implode.  It's going to tear me up and I have to let it happen.  I also have to let her figure out what happens next when I don't believe she can.

Untangling from this sort of relationship is rough.  Thanks everyone again.
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