Coming ungluedl

[FreeToBe]

Broke up 6 mos ago... .  total nc for 4 now... .  never dreamed of her once until this week.  I have had 4 vivid dreams of her in the past week... .  wth is that?

I'm self-ing via dream... .  its killing me!

I've had 3 unknown and 4 blocked calls to my cell in the past week... .  I don't know if its her - I doubt it... .  she has never attempted to contact me once.

I'm going to end up in the effing loony-bin soon.  I can't shake this ghost.  I want a hit so badly right now... .  I want another shot knowing what I know... .  I need to know for sure... .  I have too many doubts... .

[fogbound]

I'm so sorry that you are in the same "I can fix this if I have enough time" pergatory as I am. However, please take time to think, is this the kind of relationship that other normal people have? They don't have to go NC. They don't sit alone a cry. They don't spend their nights on self-help websites. We have become so accustomed to living on the other side of the looking glass that we can't even see how pathologic this whole thing is.

Haveing said that, I wallow in the same feeling that you do but every once in a while I get a moment of calrity.

Make a list of the bad things. Not the fantasy things that we easily remember.

[GCD145]

Broke up 6 mos ago... .  total nc for 4 now... .  never dreamed of her once until this week.  I have had 4 vivid dreams of her in the past week... .  wth is that?

I'm self-(read definition here[/url]) ing via dream... .  its killing me!

I've had 3 unknown and 4 blocked calls to my cell in the past week... .  I don't know if its her - I doubt it... .  she has never attempted to contact me once.

I'm going to end up in the effing loony-bin soon.  I can't shake this ghost.  I want a hit so badly right now... .  I want another shot knowing what I know... .  I need to know for sure... .  I have too many doubts... .

I believe this was originally Harker's idea:

Just poke a sharp stick in your eye instead.  You'll get the pain, you'll get the tears, and in the end you'll still be better off than if you go back for that one more hit.

You have no doubts: you know.

Walk it off.

GCD145

[Believe]

I agree -- having that list of crummy things about my exBPDbf is a great list to go back to whenever I'm feeling weak and sad and wondering if I didn't give it a fair shot.

Someone once suggested to me that I should also write down the good things about the relationship, too. Not the fantasy things like reevega mentioned and not personal things about my exBPDbf that I loved but the characteristics of the relationship, the energy of the two of us together, that I loved. That is the list that lets you know what good you bring to a relationship, lets you learn about yourself and what you can offer and what you might need.

And if it gets to personal about your BPD partner, then it shouldn't be on the list.

For example, my GOOD list includes things like:

"snuggling like spoons on the couch while watching a movie" -- I know I need this type of affection and I know I can give it back. It has nothing to do with HIM.

"hanging around listening to the rain fall on the roof when I should be working" -- I know I need a relationship that helps me slow down from my hyper workaholic self and appreciate the world around me, and I learned I can do this and feel OK doing it. It has nothing to do with HIM.

etc etc... .

Focussing on the good stuff that you can contribute to a relationship, and the good things that you need in a relationship can turn the attention away from all this badness that goes with BPD and help you start to heal... .and move on... .and be whole in a new relationship one day, not the swiss cheese person we all become/became when we got involved with our BPD partners... .

[wonderingwhattodo]

They don't spend their nights on self-help websites.

Mine did x

[DAS]

 Ya - I dreamt about mine last night... .Sadly it mirrored real life - she was pissed at me over something insignificant.

Good times     

[DAS]

"snuggling like spoons on the couch while watching a movie" -- I know I need this type of affection and I know I can give it back. It has nothing to do with HIM.

"hanging around listening to the rain fall on the roof when I should be working" -- I know I need a relationship that helps me slow down from my hyper workaholic self and appreciate the world around me, and I learned I can do this and feel OK doing it. It has nothing to do with HIM.

  These sound heavenly to me too Wanna date?  ;p

[juner]

I want a hit so badly right now... .  I want another shot knowing what I know]

Stages 2 and 3 of grief and loss - anger and bargaining. It's not unusual to suddenly cycle through some of these stages again, even when you thought you were more or less done. Be kind to yourself. Things can change very quickly to positive.

www-page-not-found-net/resources/library/copingwithgrief.htm

[2010]

I'm so sorry that you are in the same "I can fix this if I have enough time" pergatory as I am. However, please take time to think, is this the kind of relationship that other normal people have? They don't have to go NC. They don't sit alone a cry. They don't spend their nights on self-help websites. We have become so accustomed to living on the other side of the looking glass that we can't even see how pathologic this whole thing is.

Haveing said that, I wallow in the same feeling that you do but every once in a while I get a moment of calrity.

Make a list of the bad things. Not the fantasy things that we easily remember.

Reevega, Great post to read!