PERSPECTIVES: Children of BPD Parents: Reclaiming Our Lost Selves

[Our abuse recovery guide]

"Children of borderlines learn to sacrifice their true selves because survival requires that they meet their mother's emotional needs . . Autonomy, the freedom of self-direction and self-expression is impossible for the borderline's child. Because the borderline mother views separation as betrayal and punishes self-assertion, the child develops a false self.  The true self is buried alive"

"Children of borderlines cannot become healthy, autonomous adults unless they find a way of understanding their experience.  . . Like children who are born deaf and blind, children of borderlines have no way of organizing their emotional life.  They do not realize they are different, that other children are born into a world of sound and light.  The lack of consistency in their emotional world creates a sense of meaninglessness, as if life itself is nonsense."

Christine Ann Lawson, PhD, Understanding the Borderline Mother from the chapter titled "Make Believe Children"


Children look to their parents to understand the world around them and to learn who they are.   It is through watching our parents, being nurtured and loved, being given permission to explore the world that we come to learn who we are.   Through this process we learn how to understand and use our emotions in healthy ways, we learn how to relate to other people, we learn to use our "voice in the world" which is our ability to express our true selves.   But in growing up with a Borderline Parent, this whole process gets short-circuited.  We don't always know what it is we are feeling.  We don't feel validated in the world.   Our dysfunctional parents can't hold the mirror for us so that we can see ourselves and in doing so come to know ourselves.    We often suffer from our own emotional roller coasters because growing with the chaos of a BPD is what we learned was "normal."   We are often afraid to speak our own truth with our own voices, or even sometimes know what our own truth is because we never learned.  

Then as adults we crave that sense of validation that we never had as children.  We will often look to our parents to give us that validation we never had, but the Borderline Parent is not capable of such skills and so we replay the hurt we experienced as children, sometimes over and over again.

Here is a quote from our site director Skip from the workshop on mirroring:  "The theory of mirroring  was developed by Heinz Kohut, MD.  Kohut said that children need to have their conversations and accomplishments acknowledged, accepted and praised by others.  Kohut felt that it is important for a child's legitimate feelings of be mirrored by its parents. The parent's mirroring gets internalized in time by the child, so as the child gets older they can provide their own mirroring, their own sense of self-appreciation.  Children who do not get enough mirroring are considered by many psychologists to be at risk of developing a narcissistic personality later in life.

The basis of healthy self-esteem is that one's natural self, with all its emotions, with its successes and failures, is acceptable and loveable. If the child does not feel their parents love them for themselves, apart from accomplishments, they will develop what object relations theorists call the "false self," - the self that is fabricated in order to get the approval of his parents, based on the ability to achieve good grades, a good job, a good mate, etc."

The purpose of this workshop is to explore ways we can reclaim those parts of us that were lost through the agency of our dysfunctional childhoods.   It is to explore ways we can mirror ourselves, learn who our "true selves" are as well as how we can find the validation that we won't find in the words and deeds of our parents.

It is fundamentally about our healing journey.   How can we learn to feel "lovable"  "worthy"  "special" when our parents never gave us that message?

To get the discussion started I would ask each of you:  When did you begin to understand your own experience from YOUR point of view (not from your BPD parent or from any enmeshed relatives)?

[LionDreamer]

"Children of borderlines learn to sacrifice their true selves because survival requires that they meet their mother's emotional needs . . Autonomy, the freedom of self-direction and self-expression is impossible for the borderline's child. Because the borderline mother views separation as betrayal and punishes self-assertion, the child develops a false self.  The true self is buried alive"

"Children of borderlines cannot become healthy, autonomous adults unless they find a way of understanding their experience.  . . Like children who are born deaf and blind, children of borderlines have no way of organizing their emotional life.  They do not realize they are different, that other children are born into a world of sound and light.  The lack of consistency in their emotional world creates a sense of meaninglessness, as if life itself is nonsense."

Christine Ann Lawson, PhD, Understanding the Borderline Mother from the chapter titled "Make Believe Children"


Children look to their parents to understand the world around them and to learn who they are.   It is through watching our parents, being nurtured and loved, being given permission to explore the world that we come to learn who we are.   Through this process we learn how to understand and use our emotions in healthy ways, we learn how to relate to other people, we learn to use our "voice in the world" which is our ability to express our true selves.   But in growing up with a Borderline Parent, this whole process gets short-circuited.  We don't always know what it is we are feeling.  We don't feel validated in the world.   Our dysfunctional parents can't hold the mirror for us so that we can see ourselves and in doing so come to know ourselves.    We often suffer from our own emotional roller coasters because growing with the chaos of a BPD is what we learned was "normal."   We are often afraid to speak our own truth with our own voices, or even sometimes know what our own truth is because we never learned.  

Then as adults we crave that sense of validation that we never had as children.  We will often look to our parents to give us that validation we never had, but the Borderline Parent is not capable of such skills and so we replay the hurt we experienced as children, sometimes over and over again.

Here is a quote from our site director Skip from the workshop on mirroring:  "The theory of mirroring  was developed by Heinz Kohut, MD.  Kohut said that children need to have their conversations and accomplishments acknowledged, accepted and praised by others.  Kohut felt that it is important for a child's legitimate feelings of be mirrored by its parents. The parent's mirroring gets internalized in time by the child, so as the child gets older they can provide their own mirroring, their own sense of self-appreciation.  Children who do not get enough mirroring are considered by many psychologists to be at risk of developing a narcissistic personality later in life.

The basis of healthy self-esteem is that one's natural self, with all its emotions, with its successes and failures, is acceptable and loveable. If the child does not feel their parents love them for themselves, apart from accomplishments, they will develop what object relations theorists call the "false self," - the self that is fabricated in order to get the approval of his parents, based on the ability to achieve good grades, a good job, a good mate, etc."

The purpose of this workshop is to explore ways we can reclaim those parts of us that were lost through the agency of our dysfunctional childhoods.   It is to explore ways we can mirror ourselves, learn who our "true selves" are as well as how we can find the validation that we won't find in the words and deeds of our parents.

It is fundamentally about our healing journey.   How can we learn to feel "lovable"  "worthy"  "special" when our parents never gave us that message?

To get the discussion started I would ask each of you:  When did you begin to understand your own experience from YOUR point of view (not from your BPD parent or from any enmeshed relatives)?

[survivorof2]

When did you begin to understand your own experience from YOUR point of view (not from your BPD parent or from any enmeshed relatives)?

6 years ago when I got away from my uBPDparents and totally enmeshed family. My kids were even totally enmeshed by that point (teenagers). I had to decide that I was going to work at healing and getting well whether anyone cared if I did, paid attention to it, or supported me. Up until this year, I was still so afraid to tell others of what REALLY happened to me with my uBPDparents (they kidnapped me, verbally/physically/sexually abused me for over a decade). So much comprehending to do, so much relearning, so much getting rid of flea encrusted harmful ways of dealing with life that I learned in order to survive.

Thanks for starting this thread. 

[Seenthelight]

I only came to that realisation now in my thirties. Until now, I'd been trying to be the person I thought my mother would be pleased with / stop criticising. Now that I've realised nothing will give me the reaction I've craved and I'm over the initial hurt of that realisation, things are getting easier. I'm beginning to like myself and respect and trust my own judgement, something I had a really hard time doing before because her criticism (years and years of it) was always in my mind. I have a wonderful psychotherapist who has helped me on this journey. I am also lucky to have a loving, sane father, who has supported me to the best of his ability and left me less vulnerable to the craziness.

S

[mjh8808]

I think I began noticing my family wasn't normal when I started going to church 6yrs ago. As I began interacting with others, I noticed that the other families weren't like mine. Also that people didn't expect me to be perfect and that I could have people that were there for me, not me there for others... .

[Sandcastle]

In college, because I did get to stay in dorms, I finally got the first inkling of what it was like to have my own life and make my own decisions, although the large majority of college was still caving to my uBPDM and enNdad and their wishes, and still making many choices because I could hear their voices in my head and did all the things I "should" do. There was one whirlwind school trip with two guys that was very freeing, as I actually went to a bar with them and did a couple of (not-so) crazy things, but things I'd never done before, and I got to see the world in a way not tinted by my parents' views. I actually had a breakdown in college, entirely convinced that I was at fault, everything was me.

It wasn't until I got my T about five years ago that I finally got a clue that it WASN'T me, that I had a life of my own and deserved to have it. Took years to really get it and to decide things on my own and to finally tell them NO. And now I'm NC, have been for a year and a half, and don't miss them at all.

[Cordelia]

I think in college I started to see a lot of life from my own perspective and to act in my own self-interest intellectually and career-wise.  And it really helped that at one point in college I did a study-abroad program where they did team-building exercises, and as cheesy as these are in many ways, I realized for the first time that people play roles in groups, and that everyone comes to social interactions with certain goals and priorities, certain strengths and weaknesses.  That was enormously helpful for building solid friendships.  And then getting married was in some ways the most important step in helping me realize that I could be loved for who I was, not for what I offered, and to see a model of how other people behave in intimate relationships, that is often more healthy than the model I grew up with. 

I still struggle with hearing my own voice, and especially when it comes to my mom, I do tend to fall into acting more in response to what I think she would want out of a situation than what I want.  That's one reason I've cut back contact so dramatically - at least for right now, being my own advocate when relating with her is extremely challenging for me and not something I'm ready for.  It's something of a challenge when I'm with others as well, but it's less hard, because I'm only fighting the demons in my head, not the external source of them!

[justhere]

When did you begin to understand your own experience from YOUR point of view (not from your BPD parent or from any enmeshed relatives)?

I was thoroughly brainwashed and obedient so it was only about 2 years ago(I was 58) when I first noticed that my mother was not acknowledging me or my issues. It was when I couldn't do everything my mom wanted because of my health issues but she expected it anyway.  She couldn't see my difficulty or seemed unconcerned or uncaring of the physical pain I was having while at the same time wanting some silly, little, unnecessary want from me or for me to serve her.

I had also done a lot of work on ridding myself of my addictions and I was learning healthier coping skills so I began questioning why but still thought it must be me or she didn't love me.  I had no idea it was dealing with mental illness till it was suggested to me on another internet site for care givers that my mother could have a personality disorder, possibly narcissism. I was shocked but in a weird way felt better that I wasn't crazy.

It was really hard at first even to think those kind of thoughts, let alone write about them or talk to anyone because I felt like I was betraying my family, my mother. It took me almost another year to actually believe it so... .I'm just really coming to terms with it now. This site has given me the tools to deal with this disease and my own issues and that has helped tremendously and the biggest thing is that you all are here, and just knowing that makes me feel more powerful and not so alone.

I still have my days though that I think that I have exaggerated or I got it wrong or I really am crazy because everyone else sees my mother as a saint and such a nice person but then she doesn't treat them like she treats me either. I think for me it was the more I was forced to considered my own health, needs and wants, I was able to see that I was a separate person from the family.  At first it was good to have my health as an excuse but now more and more I'm able to see myself without the excuse. . Thanks for this thread LionDreamer even though I had a hard time getting my thoughts together on this topic, it did help to sort things out.

justhere

[Telios]

Thanks to everyone for being so honest on this thread. You all help me so much with your beautiful honesty, and God knows I need the help, I was dealt a dysfunctional hand too.

My awareness started early, in my child hood when I noticed wrong behavior in my FOO, but was way to young and vulnerable to do anything about it. i.e. dad sleeping on floor after a night of drinking ( at first sight he looked dead) , HPD older sis , punching my mom in the stomach, yep something wrong there, I was about 8y/o, I knew it was messed up, but what was I suppose to do?  My mom always extolling the virtues of other peoples kids more than her own, (all of us siblings noticed this and commented to each other about how wrong and devaluing it felt to us, so at least we were all on the same page here).

Someone  asked me when I was 25 y/o, after college, if I came from a family with alcohol abuse based on the things I was saying, I said yes  and he suggested I get therapy for this and  I proceeded to go to counseling for Adult Children of alcoholics.

All these times I was aware my family had problems. But like I said on some other thread, I did not really own the mental illness  in the FOO until about 6 months ago at the age of 49 y/o when we had some crisis in getting my eldrerly mother into an elderly living facility.

I had feelings on and off through my adult life that something was not quite right with me, but I never had the foggiest idea and just thought it was the way it was, I was not that great or something. I was naive. I acted childish because my family groomed me to be that way since I was the youngest sibling.  Excuse after excuse for my problems and my behavior, because I did not have the knowlegde of BPD.

[newfreedom]

When did you begin to understand your own experience from YOUR point of view (not from your BPD parent or from any enmeshed relatives)?

Hi LD,

I believe this started when I entered puberty.   But it was on an intellectual level only.  I KNEW my perception of reality was quite different from mother but didn't believe I was correct.   Gradually over time the awareness dropped from my head to my heart... .this happened over the years of being exposed to healthier families, therapists, 12 step groups, etc.   But it wasn't until my sister's death last fall that I am able to believe at the level of my heart, my emotions what is MY reality.   It has been like a volcanic explosion.

Thanks for the thread, LD, and to all who posted, it is so validating and interesting to read all of your experiences.    nf       xoxo

[LionDreamer]

Thank you all for your willingness to look backwards and share your stories.   I am amazed at the variety of stories.   I would label what each of you has been talking about as "waking up."   Each of you has "woken up" to the truth of our BPD parents and what that has meant for our lives.   In the Survivor's Guide these are really steps 1 and 2.

So much comprehending to do, so much relearning, so much getting rid of flea encrusted harmful ways of dealing with life that I learned in order to survive.

Yes, survivorof2, I agree with you there is a lot of comprehending and then relearning.  How sad and yet true, that in order for us to survive as whole and healthy people, we do need to relearn so many old messages from our childhood.

For me, it was late teens... .I had known from the time I was a little one that she was not... .right, mentally.

Wow.  I think each and every one of us here wish we had known earlier.   I think that is why grieving is such a part of our healing process - we need to grieve what has been lost in our lives before we can move on (starting with #8 on the Survivors Guide).

Now that I've realised nothing will give me the reaction I've craved and I'm over the initial hurt of that realisation, things are getting easier. I'm beginning to like myself and respect and trust my own judgement, something I had a really hard time doing before because her criticism (years and years of it) was always in my mind.

As survivorof2 said, "good work."  You have expressed what it means to be mirrored by our BPD parent in such a way that we crave to please people to avoid criticism.   You have learned to see yourself in new "mirrors" now so that you can like yourself and trust your own judgment.   Thank you for sharing this example. 

Also that people didn't expect me to be perfect and that I could have people that were there for me, not me there for others... .

I love that you learned that you don't have to be perfect to be valued and loved.  Another wonderful "mirror" in which to look at yourself.

There was one whirlwind school trip with two guys that was very freeing, as I actually went to a bar with them and did a couple of (not-so) crazy things, but things I'd never done before, and I got to see the world in a way not tinted by my parents' views. I actually had a breakdown in college, entirely convinced that I was at fault, everything was me.

It wasn't until I got my T about five years ago that I finally got a clue that it WASN'T me, that I had a life of my own and deserved to have it. Took years to really get it and to decide things on my own and to finally tell them NO. And now I'm NC, have been for a year and a half, and don't miss them at all.

Yes, you "mirrored" yourself through friends at college and through therapy.   And yes you deserve your own life.  Wonderful revelation! 

I realized for the first time that people play roles in groups, and that everyone comes to social interactions with certain goals and priorities, certain strengths and weaknesses.  That was enormously helpful for building solid friendships.  And then getting married was in some ways the most important step in helping me realize that I could be loved for who I was, not for what I offered, and to see a model of how other people behave in intimate relationships, that is often more healthy than the model I grew up with. 

I still struggle with hearing my own voice, and especially when it comes to my mom, I do tend to fall into acting more in response to what I think she would want out of a situation than what I want. 

So your relearnt "mirror" came from social interactions as well as studying abroad.  I wonder how much physical distance plays a role in our recovery process.    Seeing other models and recognizing that's what we want for ourselves is important.   I love that you learned that you could be loved for who you are. 

I was thoroughly brainwashed and obedient so it was only about 2 years ago(I was 58) when I first noticed that my mother was not acknowledging me or my issues.

It was really hard at first even to think those kind of thoughts, let alone write about them or talk to anyone because I felt like I was betraying my family, my mother.

even though I had a hard time getting my thoughts together on this topic, it did help to sort things out. 

Yes, justhere, these early conditionings die hard.   As survivorof2 said, there is a whole relearning process and it can be painful and hard to put into practice.   I am glad you have been able to think your independent, free spirit thoughts and now to write them down.   That is a big step.   Good job.

All these times I was aware my family had problems. But like I said on some other thread, I did not really own the mental illness  in the FOO until about 6 months ago at the age of 49 y/o when we had some crisis in getting my eldrerly mother into an elderly living facility.

I had feelings on and off through my adult life that something was not quite right with me, but I never had the foggiest idea and just thought it was the way it was, I was not that great or something. I was naive. I acted childish because my family groomed me to be that way since I was the youngest sibling.  Excuse after excuse for my problems and my behavior, because I did not have the knowlegde of BPD.

It's interesting telios that you were aware so early in your life that something was wrong but it wasn't until many years later that you were able to put a foundation under that wrongness.   And you have described what the Survivor's Guide, calls a "breakthrough crisis."   Knowledge is a powerful thing.

I KNEW my perception of reality was quite different from mother but didn't believe I was correct.   Gradually over time the awareness dropped from my head to my heart... .this happened over the years of being exposed to healthier families, therapists, 12 step groups, etc.   But it wasn't until my sister's death last fall that I am able to believe at the level of my heart, my emotions what is MY reality.   It has been like a volcanic explosion.

Sorry to hear about your sister newfreedom.  Like telios you describe the knowing something was wrong when you were much younger but needed a crisis and the knowledge to begin to understand.   This has been my own path as well.  I know what you mean when you talk about a volcanic explosion.   Perhaps this is why it is so hard to "wake up" to the reality - we have a life-times worth of emotions just waiting to explode outward when we open up those feelings. 

I honor the courage of each and every one of you,

LD

[LionDreamer]

Many of you have shared your stories about the first question from this workshop:

When did you begin to understand your own experience from YOUR point of view (not from your BPD parent or from any enmeshed relatives)?

Any more stories or responses to this question are still welcomed.

The next step is to begin to understand what we have done since we have "woken up" to the truth of our BPDparent and its effect on our lives.   This next exploration is to look at our skills as part of how we have started to find ourselves again.   

Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman in their book Surviving the Borderline Parent have a section called "How to Bounce Back"   They say:  "Recalling a difficult past and examining how it affect your development and your life today can be painful.  Moving forward may seem overwhelming at times, but humans are amazingly resilient creatures.   It's important to give yourself credit for the strength and other qualities you possess that allowed you to survive and accomplish all that you have, thus far." 

I agree that when faced with a childhood fraught with chaos and toxicity it is especially important to evaluate and give ourselves credit for our strengths.   

They have an excellent exercise called:  Resiliency Builders where they list resilient qualities and ask us to reflect on them, how you have used them in the past and how you use them now.   They define resilience as "the ability to overcome adversity." 

The resilient qualities they list along with their explanations are:

  Adaptable (You adjust to new, changing or difficult situations with relative ease)

  Confident (You feel a sense of competence in at least some of the important areas of your life; you possess a sense of self-respect)

  Curious (You have an innate inquisitiveness and interest in the world around you)

  Engaged (You have the ability to connect with others, to give and accept support)

  Humorous  (You're able to find humor in situations)

  Intuitive  (You have good hunches when it comes to understanding others and how they behave)

  Inventive  (You have the ability to see things in different ways; to come up with alternatives to problems; and to express yourself through creative endeavors)

  Optimistic (You possess a sense of hope and a solid belief that the future will be fine, or better)

  Persistent  (You're tenacious and have the ability to work at something that's important to you)

  Self-directed  (When something truly needs to be done, you're able to recognize it on your own and muster the inner resources to do it)

  Spiritual  (You believe in some force larger than yourself and our own [and others'] human abilities)


So self-assessment time:  Which of these qualities do you have?  Which would you like to develop?  How has your growing up in the household of a pwBPD taught you some of these qualities (and which ones)?

[makalou]

i always knew something was a miss with my mom...

6 years ago i was in a really sadistic and abusive relationship. my mother shut me out... she "couldn't deal with it... watch me go through it"... she turned her back on me when i needed her the most. that's when i thought "she loves herself more then me".

i'm starting to see that i can't cure crazy...

[Cordelia]

So self-assessment time:  Which of these qualities do you have?  Which would you like to develop?  How has your growing up in the household of a pwBPD taught you some of these qualities (and which ones)?

What a great list of qualities!  I do often think that these qualities are the ones that help me the most when I can access them.  I feel I'm best with adaptable - I've been in many situations over the years and am able to accept them and handle them, even if they're not what I was used to.  And spirituality - I'm very engaged spiritually, and it helps me enormously.  I think in fact this is one of the most important things that helps me heal - reminding me that there *is* some structure in life, there *is* such a thing as right and wrong, even if certain individuals don't always realize it, and I don't have to do everything myself, there is a G-d who runs the world, so I don't have to!  .  I'm also persistent and optimistic.  I have trouble with confidence and engagement - I have a lot of energy when I first start a project, but setbacks really throw me for a loop, more than most people, perhaps.  Engagement is also difficult... .I tend to prefer a more passive role in relationships, and have a hard time asking for, and defining, what I want.  

Looking forward to hearing others' answers!   xoxo

[newfreedom]

  Adaptable (You adjust to new, changing or difficult situations with relative ease)

Yes, I am adaptable.    I have lived on three different continents and have adjusted to the different cultures with relative ease.




  Confident (You feel a sense of competence in at least some of the important areas of your life; you possess a sense of self-respect)

I'm retired now, but had a lot of confidence in my work and I was good at it.   I was respected by colleagues and clients and that helped me to believe in myself.  I'm also confident in my ability to be a good friend.   I'm still working on my confidence in the area of being a good wife.   I still believe in my core that I am defective and that hurts our relationship... .working on it.

This is the area where I need the most work.

  Curious (You have an innate inquisitiveness and interest in the world around you)

YES!   I am interested in everything and love learning.

  Engaged (You have the ability to connect with others, to give and accept support)

Yes.

  Humorous  (You're able to find humor in situations)

Yes.   This is my best strength.

  Intuitive  (You have good hunches when it comes to understanding others and how they behave)Yes, very much.

  Inventive  (You have the ability to see things in different ways; to come up with alternatives to problems; and to express yourself through creative endeavors)

Sometimes.

  Optimistic (You possess a sense of hope and a solid belief that the future will be fine, or better)

I have hope yes, but I am getting tired.

  Persistent  (You're tenacious and have the ability to work at something that's important to you)

Yes!

  Self-directed  (When something truly needs to be done, you're able to recognize it on your own and muster the inner resources to do it)

Yes.

  Spiritual  (You believe in some force larger than yourself and our own [and others'] human abilities)

Yes, this is what keeps me on track and grounded.  

So self-assessment time:  Which of these qualities do you have?  Which would you like to develop?  How has your growing up in the household of a pwBPD taught you some of these qualities (and which ones)?

LD,  I have written in my responses above.   Thanks for this.   I have been too focused on my shortcomings as of late, this was a welcome distraction.   nf      xoxo

[survivorof2]

Adaptable (You adjust to new, changing or difficult situations with relative ease) I feel I have adapted very well: moved across town, changed churches, got remarried to my ex, lost 75 pounds, decorated the inside and outside of my house, planted a garden and window box this year! : )

  Confident (You feel a sense of competence in at least some of the important areas of your life; you possess a sense of self-respect) Yes, still working on that, but doing better... .can actually see progress.

  Curious (You have an innate inquisitiveness and interest in the world around you) Always been curious. Like watching talk shows to see what others think of things.

Engaged (You have the ability to connect with others, to give and accept support) I have worked a little harder at this this past year and it has paid off.

Humorous  (You're able to find humor in situations) This I have struggled with in my recovery. FOO laughs at everyone and everything scornfully, so it is hard to learn the difference between good humor and not so good humor. Also, when I laugh really hard, I find I have my UBPDm's laugh... .not good

Intuitive  (You have good hunches when it comes to understanding others and how they behave) This is something I've had all along that helped me survive. I find usually my first impression is correct. But I find I am giving people more the benefit of the doubt and realizing that sometimes people just have bad days and that is okay. I have bad days and that is okay.

Inventive  (You have the ability to see things in different ways; to come up with alternatives to problems; and to express yourself through creative endeavors) I guess that I play the piano and improvise, sew embrodiery, experiment with other "arts" is the creative side I am beginning to enjoy once again. I stopped all this towards the end of my captivity with uBPDparents.

Optimistic (You possess a sense of hope and a solid belief that the future will be fine, or better) My darling hubby is EXTREMELY optimistic and I really appreciate that in him. Grounding myself in truth and what great things/people I have in my life now really helps with the optimism.

Persistent  (You're tenacious and have the ability to work at something that's important to you) This is one trait I have always had and REALLY irritated/irritates my FOO.

Self-directed  (When something truly needs to be done, you're able to recognize it on your own and muster the inner resources to do it) This is slow to start. When you have spent most of your childhood and most of your adult life being constantly told what to do, what look to have on your face, what to wear, how your hair should be (uBPDm would come at me with scissors constantly trying to cut "that stray piece", this takes work... .having initiative is what I call it.

Spiritual  (You believe in some force larger than yourself and our own [and others'] human abilities) Herein lies my foundation and my only Hope. Without God's unconditional love, I wouldn't be here.


So self-assessment time:  Which of these qualities do you have?  Which would you like to develop?  How has your growing up in the household of a pwBPD taught you some of these qualities (and which ones)?

[Penguinectomy]

I was around 23 when I got my first glimpse (the power window debacle I posted about elsewhere).

[Dropsteppah]

I'm an adult-child of a borderline mother who moved out into the real world at age 26. I lived single for 3 years in massachusetts and suffered prolonged, severe depression, I was compelled to move back to my parents house in Florida at my mothers plea. A month later, just after my sisters wedding, I had a hysterical mental breakdown. This would kick off my repeat delusions. My delusions would always be triggered in social surrounding by an object or action that was suddenly imposed on me. I would then feel this biting anger at myself and anybody because of my self betrayal. The fear/anger that people would use me was excruciating. As my anxiety rose, the fear took over. This extreme sense of dread and oppression would take over my whole self. As this emotional claustorphobia took over, all of the sudden, any physical objects around would begin having an intent upon me by spying on me,expressing blame, and telling me what to do (i.e. stop signs telling me to stop everything I'm doing, light switches guilting me to turn them on). I felt like life was stripped of choices, and I was simply living an existence chosen for me.

As I was suffering from my delusions I had to quit my job and go through psycotherapy where I was later diagnosed with agoraphobia. At the time I was dating my wife long distance who lived in massachusetts (and that was hell from my mother). My wife has an NPD mother and as we were looking for any information regarding self-absorbed parents thats how I ran into BPD. Because of my agoraphobia I would stay home and read all day regarding BPD. I was able to make sense of my emotions and my delusions talking about my mother to my therapist.

Finally, through work in psychotherapy, I was emotionally able to withstand moving back to massachusetts to get married. not without trouble from my bp mom believe me. Since then, my wife and I have been working hard together healing from our childhood past and breaking free from our co-dependency.

Right now my agoraphobia has calmed down considerably, and I'm able to start working again. Until now I wasn't able to post anything online because of my phobia. I Still having a hard time feeling accountable and responsible for others feelings, but with time I know I will be able to manage my emotions through practice.

Currently I'm NC from my mother.

[Telios]

Yes Liondreamer,

  I was aware there was something wrong in myself and my FOO in my 20's , but I attributed all the "wrongness" to alcoholism in the family as well as my dad being raised by his abusive father because his birthmother left him when he was only two. Hence the first reason I never explored anything but alcohlism teachings.

   When I was in my twenties I also apparently put off looking into Personality Disorders because I basically thought any deviant behavior on my part or my FOO was due to sin , plain and simple.

    So I guess it took me years of being a strong Christian and learning quite alot about the bible to wake up and realize that God was not just going to zap me and make me instantaneously better and 'Oh so wonderful.'  I heard a modern day theologean N.T. Wright talk about this coinscedentally at the same time I started researching BPD , specifically HPD .  The two sources together really helped me "wake up" lately to the realization of true mental illness in the family and God loves me and will help, but I have to do alot of the footwork.

 Telios

 

[newfreedom]

  I was aware there was something wrong in myself and my FOO in my 20's , but I attributed all the "wrongness" to alcoholism in the family as well as my dad being raised by his abusive father because his birthmother left him when he was only two. Hence the first reason I never explored anything but alcohlism teachings.

Telios,  I was sidetracked by alcoholism for most of my life.    :'(     My father was alcoholic and my mother spent time in mental institutions for psychosis (in those days, there was no borderline diagnosis, I believe she was both psychotic and borderline),    she blamed my father's drinking for ALL of her problems and I and my siblings of course believed her.     In the meantime,  my father, despite that he was alcoholic was sane and behaved rationally while mother was a raging homocidal lunatic.   Even during my father's worse drunks, he was nowhere NEAR as crazy and dangerous as mother, not even close.    But I hold him equally accountable because he never sought help, stood up to her, or protected us from her.    Anyway, just want to say I can so relate to your story and also that I'm so grateful to have FINALLY emerged from the FOG.    Also so grateful for the board and all of you.    xoxo

[blackandwhite]

It's wonderful to read these stories of awakening and resilience. Thank you so much for hosting this workshop, LionDreamer.

How can we learn to feel "lovable"  "worthy"  "special" when our parents never gave us that message?

I've thought about this a lot. LionDreamer talks about coming to a place where we can have a "voice in the world." A prerequisite for that seems to be to have a strong enough sense of our selves as worthy human beings that we can have the faith our voices will be heard.

Like many on this board, my voice wasn't heard. Unlike some, my mother would at times give me messages about being lovable, worthy, and special. She is capable of going "witch," but is primarily a waif and a hermit. She wanted care and protection, and sometimes she would exalt me. Sometimes, she would BE me, "mirroring" in the classic BPD sense my own tastes, likes, qualities in a period of idealization. Other times, she would ignore or torment me, cast me as a selfish, evil, dangerous person. Thus my screen name, blackandwhite. The mirror she held up about who I am was cloudy, shifting, dark and light, uncertain.

Based on considerable evidence, I believe my father was a mild-mid level sociopath with narcissitic traits. The mirror he held up reflected only his desires.

I've been reading The Gaslight Effect, and one of the gaslighting strategies described is for the gaslighter to convince the gaslightee that she is "boring." The book focuses on romantic relationships and so examples include things like a boyfriend arriving for a date three hours late, and when his partner is upset, accusing her of being boring and conventional for worrying about something as mundane as time, when they should be focused on romance and how special they are.

My father used this technique and often conveyed to me that I was boring as a way to get me to do what he wanted. My mother didn't use that particular strategy, but she conveyed that I was worthy (and thereby interesting) only when I was meeting her needs. Other times, I was either evil or invisible. Between them, I often felt like they were picking me apart with their sharp beaks and I was just a small brown bird. Hiding, creating a facade with nothing to draw attention--those were my own strategies to avoid attack.

So I arrived to later childhood with a confused sense of self, a facade of dullness, and a belief in my lack of worthiness or interest to others.

When did you begin to understand your own experience from YOUR point of view (not from your BPD parent or from any enmeshed relatives)?

This has been a very long process  I read thousands of books as a kid--that's how I hid. In the stories, I found characters, adventures, imagination, order and consistency in the process of narrative, resolutions. I began to write as a child and scripted plays that I put on with my friends. At a certain point, it struck me that I am funny. Little quips would pop out sometimes, and people would laugh--with appreciation and not mockery. That seemed amazing. Who was I to make people laugh? But it felt great, so I kept doing it, away from home.

In school, at work (I began waitressing at 13 to pay for food and clothes), and sometimes with friends, I began to create a different identity. There was a lot that was dysfunctional about it (people pleasing), but I started to learn that if I spoke with authority, or humor, or compassion, generally, people actually listen.

The journey to having a true voice in the world is a long one, and I love the resiliency exercise and will hopefully return to it--I see many of those qualities in the experiences I have just described. Thank you again, LionDreamer, for helping us to articulate these necessary journeys. 

B&W

[justhere]

Which of these qualities do you have?  Which would you like to develop?  How has your growing up in the household of a pwBPD taught you some of these qualities (and which ones)?

Adaptable... .I'm very adaptable as that seems to be all I did... .adapt to someone else and as I was taught by my mother to do what she wanted, I thought that was what I had to do with everyone else too.

Confident... .I don't have a lot of faith or confidence in myself. Even with posting on this board... .I'm ok with telling people what I went though to a point, but with suggesting any help to others, I have a hard time with that.  I don't feel that I have the knowledge or whether it's tainted by my own dysfunctional thinking or unhealthy perspective. Posting has helped me though because when I reply to a post and see what others have to say it helps me to judge where I am and if I'm on the right track or not with my thinking. I have to learn though how to balance the views of others with my own or else I could find myself right back there where I was with my mother. For now though I want to stay as open as I can to new ideas even if they feel uncomfortable.

Curious... .I've always been very curious about a lot of things but had to put my curiosity on the back burner because I had more important things to do looking after everyone. Being curious was a luxury but I'm trying to change that now.

Engaged... .I have trouble with this not on a superficial level but I find it hard to connect and spent my life even around my own family feeling like an 'outsider' or a 'loner'.

Humorous... .I do have a sense of humor but laughing or having fun was not an acceptable pass time in my family unless my mother initiated it so I learned to suppress my sense of humor.

Intuitive... .I always thought I was very intuitive because I could feel the pain of others but I would go into these situations and not protect myself.

Inventive... .It is difficult for me to see solutions to issues as individual thinking was discouraged so it is a big risk for me to let others see who I really am especially by putting myself out there in a creative way.

Optimistic... .Even when things were the darkest, I still felt somewhere deep down that we would be ok, that my family and I would somehow get through this, that there was someone or some power looking after us.

Persistent... .I love detail and hard work.  This is were I thrive but unfortunately my identity was also tied up with this. I learned to judge myself as my mother did by what I could do.  Now that I can't physically do what I would like, I have some sorting out to do with just where I fit now and who I am.

Self-directed... .I work better by myself.  Even at work if another staff couldn't do their job, I would do it but I never realized that I was doing them a dis-service.

Spiritual... .I'm a spiritual person and my 'problems' in life only strengthened my faith.  I did go through a transition though from being religious to being spiritual and it was humbling to realize that I'm just human.

Thanks for this LionDreamer. I was good to see where other people are with this.

justhere

[LionDreamer]

Wow I must say I'm blown away by the depth of the responses.

i always knew something was a miss with my mom...

6 years ago i was in a really sadistic and abusive relationship. my mother shut me out... she "couldn't deal with it... watch me go through it"... she turned her back on me when i needed her the most. that's when i thought "she loves herself more then me".

makalou - you're description follows a pattern that seems to be emerging.  We, as children, knowing in our hearts and/or our guts that something wasn't right but then a crisis brings the knowledge to the forefront of our consciousness.

I was around 23 when I got my first glimpse (the power window debacle I posted about elsewhere).

Penguinectomy, it sounds like a crisis made this knowledge available to you as well.   Both of you have experienced #1 of the Survivors Guide where it was a breakthrough crisis which gave you the awareness of what had been happening.

As I was suffering from my delusions I had to quit my job and go through psycotherapy where I was later

Right now my agoraphobia has calmed down considerably, and I'm able to start working again. Until now I wasn't able to post anything online because of my phobia. I Still having a hard time feeling accountable and responsible for others feelings, but with time I know I will be able to manage my emotions through practice.

Currently I'm NC from my mother.

Dropsteppah,  It sounds like therapy was key for you in understanding more about your life.   It also sounds like you have made huge strides in coping with so many challenges to your psyche.  Just being able to post your journey confirms what a long journey you have traveled and how important your health has been to you.  Congrats on that.  Can you tell us a bit more about how you have managed to strive so strongly toward health?

Like many on this board, my voice wasn't heard. Unlike some, my mother would at times give me messages about being lovable, worthy, and special. She is capable of going "witch," but is primarily a waif and a hermit. She wanted care and protection, and sometimes she would exalt me. Sometimes, she would BE me, "mirroring" in the classic BPD sense my own tastes, likes, qualities in a period of idealization. Other times, she would ignore or torment me, cast me as a selfish, evil, dangerous person. Thus my screen name, blackandwhite. The mirror she held up about who I am was cloudy, shifting, dark and light, uncertain.

My father used this technique and often conveyed to me that I was boring as a way to get me to do what he wanted. My mother didn't use that particular strategy, but she conveyed that I was worthy (and thereby interesting) only when I was meeting her needs. Other times, I was either evil or invisible. Between them, I often felt like they were picking me apart with their sharp beaks and I was just a small brown bird. Hiding, creating a facade with nothing to draw attention--those were my own strategies to avoid attack.

So I arrived to later childhood with a confused sense of self, a facade of dullness, and a belief in my lack of worthiness or interest to others.

Thank you b&w for giving such a well-thought out description of your process in how you came to see yourself through the mirror of your parents, a process that many of us have experienced as well and which is indeed confusing and invalidating.   I so love that you learned you can make people laugh and that humor has been part of your healing and your ability to recover your "voice"

             

I am going to wait a bit to comment too specifically on the resiliency exercise to give people more time to respond.   I do notice that among those who have replied already - the qualities that have been most commented on as qualities that we, children of BPD parents have developed are 1) adaptability, 2) persistence, and 3) spirituality.  I would be interested to see if others of you find these qualities are the ones that helped you most to survive and grow or found others to be more important. 

[pooh2]

LD,

Yikes!  I'm not sure if I do yet understand or have a story of myself.  Clearly, I no longer rely on my parents.  I have not had much contact with them since I was 18 and I am now 50.  It's just that, I don't trust the story I have of myself...   it seems wiggly and slippery, unformed and hard to hold...

[irishbear99]

When did you begin to understand your own experience from YOUR point of view (not from your BPD parent or from any enmeshed relatives)?

Thank you for this thread, LionDreamer.  I actually have had two separate "aha" moments when it comes to experiencing things from MY point of view.  The first was when I graduated college and moved 1/2way around the world.  Growing up, I was always a reflection of my uBPDm.  I did the things she told me I liked and didn't do the things she told me I didn't like.  It wasn't until I moved out permanently that I realized that a lot of the things "I" don't like were actually a lot of the things "she" didn't like - or was afraid of.  That's when I started to discover who I really am, what "I" really like and don't like.  I found that I am a completely different person than who I thought I was.  And, I really like the real me.

The second "aha" moment was not too long ago.  I came to the realization that uBPDm wanted me so much to be a certain way that she actually manufactured situations to mold me into that person.  For example, she had told me over and over growing up that since I was three years old, I wanted to go to a certain university.  That I used to watch college football games with my grandfather and he was a huge fan of this university and that is why I wanted to go.  I heard the story so many times that I accepted it as true.  I did end up going to that university (though, 1/2way thru when I wanted to transfer, she flew into a rage, saying, "If you don't graduate from X school, I don't want you."  Anyway, a couple of months ago I finally realized that I have NO memory of watching those football games with my grandfather.  (We supposedly watched them every Saturday during football season for YEARS.)  I only remember uBPDm telling me that was so.  So, I've started questioning my assumptions about a lot of things that uBPDm has said/done to determine what my real experience is/was versus what she has told me my experiences were.

[irishbear99]

So self-assessment time:  Which of these qualities do you have?  Which would you like to develop?  How has your growing up in the household of a pwBPD taught you some of these qualities (and which ones)?

  Adaptable (You adjust to new, changing or difficult situations with relative ease)

I do adjust to change, but not with relative ease.  I get very anxious with change, though I'm pretty good at hiding that anxiety on the surface.  I think this is because there was so much instability in my household growing up (calm one minute, rage the next) that I would rather things not change.

  Confident (You feel a sense of competence in at least some of the important areas of your life; you possess a sense of self-respect) -

I am quite confident in my work self most of the time and I am proud of what I have accomplished in my professional life.  However, when I'm thrown into new situations, I feel an overwhelming anxiety to "prove" myself, as if I'm really not competent and the new people will see right through my facade.  I think this comes from presenting a false self for so long, hiding my true self because my true self wasn't acceptable.  Of all of these qualities listed, THIS is the one I wish I could develop more fully.

  Curious (You have an innate inquisitiveness and interest in the world around you)

I am extremely curious.  I've lived in two foreign countries, I've traveled extensively.  I think this is because I stayed in one place growing up, and I felt that there has got to be something more out there.

  Engaged (You have the ability to connect with others, to give and accept support)

I am better at giving support than accepting it.  Accepting support makes me feel indebted to someone.  In the case of uBPDm, anything she did for us was held over our heads at a later date.

  Humorous  (You're able to find humor in situations)

Totally.

  Intuitive  (You have good hunches when it comes to understanding others and how they behave)

I tend to have a good sense of what people aren't saying; what their hidden agendas and motivations are.  Again, I think this is due to growing up with uBPDm, who always had a hidden agenda.

  Inventive  (You have the ability to see things in different ways; to come up with alternatives to problems; and to express yourself through creative endeavors)

I'm not so good at creative endeavors, though I am good at coming up with alternatives to problems.

  Optimistic (You possess a sense of hope and a solid belief that the future will be fine, or better)

Absolutely.  UBPDm sees everything in a negative light.  I got so tired of hearing the worst in everything that I have made a conscious decision in my adult life to see the good in things.

  Persistent  (You're tenacious and have the ability to work at something that's important to you)

I'm not so good at this with a lot of things.  I tend to start projects and not finish them.

  Self-directed  (When something truly needs to be done, you're able to recognize it on your own and muster the inner resources to do it)

This is also me, mainly because I couldn't depend on uBPDm or enDad to do the things I needed growing up.  I learned to do a lot for myself.

  Spiritual  (You believe in some force larger than yourself and our own [and others'] human abilities)

I do believe in God.  I'm not good at praying, though.  I think my lack of persistence affects this.

[Telios]

Dear LionDreamer,

   Both parts of this thread are really helpful. Thanks for starting this!

   Back to the first part, I reread what I wrote and have a few more thoughts to add. 

   Most all of the five of the children in my family (me included) have at one time or another, growing up ,acknowledged strange behavior on my mom's part. My oldest sister (13 years my senior) actually told my mom that she did not learn love from her, but from my dad.(my dad had alcohol issues and childish behavior, but for some reason he knew how to be loving, go figure!)  This was what she was thinking, so I guess you would say her reality.  Oldest sis got alot of affirmation from my mom on how capable she was, but apparently did not get a feeling of warmth and love. That makes me sad when I think about it now.

   Second oldest sister is the one whose behavior made me even research BPD, she had it so bad growing up with a lack of" love feeling" from my mom and lack of" validation" due to the fact it all went to the oldest sister, she I believe is a true Histrionic.  This sister has tried to look at my mom in a "good light", stating, " Mom always made sure we were clean and taken care of ". Sadly the lack of ability for my mom to show warmth and love very much hit this sister, ( I believe the hardest ), interestingly  she (second sister) has been the worst to me, condescending, hit_y, bossy. I am 10 years her junior and on top of it she had no children of her own.

    Oldest brother did not feel love or validation from my mom, but he rebelled, did his own thing for survival, and married young and started his own family.  His wife proudly announces that he has been with her longer than he was with his FOO. The only problem, which she does not understand is he never got help for his lack of being validated, hence lots o problems in their family, i.e. alcohol,drugs, materialism, divorces (his children), illigitimate children etc. etc. His wife now is obease, once a beautiful woman, and cries everytime her daughter confronts her about her lifestyle.

    Second oldest brother, the only one remotely close in age to me 5 1/2 years older, was labeled very early on the "black sheep". I have heard it told by my sisters, that he "had it the worst". Interestingly my mom said he was the easiest to take care of.  We believe he is an alcoholic. He has settled down to a life that makes him happy with an older woman about 15 years his senior.  He always treated me like his baby sister, even until my 40's when I finally confronted him to cut that s--t out!  He said he was glad I told him, and he respected me for it.

    With the influence of all these people in my life , including a somewhat emotionally challenged mother, and a loving, but sort of childish "party boy "father you can see the difficulty in my pinpointing exactly my understanding of my own experience.

     Also, my dad left my mom at least 3 times that I know of , one time when she had 4 young children and had to go on welfare and separate the kids to survive, and put them with other families, So when you throw the knowlege of this into the whole mix, it gets even more confusing.

    By the time I was born my dad only left my mom once when I was 11 y/o. She was Catholic so she always took him back.  Divorce not being an option in her mind.

Telios


   

[LionDreamer]

Yikes!  I'm not sure if I do yet understand or have a story of myself.

Ahh pooh2, I think you described the issues succinctly and accurately.   Its that "story of ourselves" that so many of us struggle to understand.  Well stated.

It wasn't until I moved out permanently that I realized that a lot of the things "I" don't like were actually a lot of the things "she" didn't like - or was afraid of.  That's when I started to discover who I really am, what "I" really like and don't like.  I found that I am a completely different person than who I thought I was.  And, I really like the real me.

Thank you irishbear99 for sharing the evolution of how you came to see your authentic self.   It is wonderful that you like the real you!   It is, indeed, a process of discovery.  

I came to the realization that uBPDm wanted me so much to be a certain way that she actually manufactured situations to mold me into that person.

This must have been very painful to realize.   I think it really illustrates how the "mirrors" our BPDparents put up for us to see ourselves are distorted making all the more important for us to find and create our own "mirrors."

With the influence of all these people in my life , including a somewhat emotionally challenged mother, and a loving, but sort of childish "party boy "father you can see the difficulty in my pinpointing exactly my understanding of my own experience.      

Also, my dad left my mom at least 3 times that I know of , one time when she had 4 young children and had to go on welfare and separate the kids to survive, and put them with other families, So when you throw the knowlege of this into the whole mix, it gets even more confusing.

 

It sounds like there were so many toxic influences in your life, it is even difficult what came from where.   It is confusing, that is what this is a process that takes time and understanding.   It sounds like this was a pretty big revelation for you so perhaps you can now look at the tools and the survivors guide and use them as a foundation to uncover your authentic self, which must be pretty awesome given what you have survived.

The first two sections are still open if anyone would like to answer the question:

When did you begin to understand your own experience from YOUR point of view (not from your BPD parent or from any enmeshed relatives)?

Or take the self-assessment survey of positive qualities we've developed from our experiences.

Moving this workshop forward, I would like us to focus on how we can discover who our authentic self is or as pooh2 said, how can we know the "story of ourself".

Here is the question:

Have you told your story in a way that has helped you (through art/writing, public service/activism, faith communities, 12-step programs, therapy, to family/friends, etc.)? What has been your experience of telling your story?

[survivorof2]

Have you told your story in a way that has helped you (through art/writing, public service/activism, faith communities, 12-step programs, therapy, to family/friends, etc.)? What has been your experience of telling your story?

Yes, I did recently. I wrote it out as succinctly as I could and then read it out loud to a group of about 35 women of all ages. After that, I was asked to give it again 2 more times in June of this year.

What was my experience? I had to work through that it didn't matter if they believed my story or not. God validates me and also I have many loving supportive people in my life now (many on this forum!  xoxo). I struggled with whether to relate some of the details of the abuse and then I realized I needed to for me (who was told not to tell) and for others who are still silent. A few weeks ago, one woman contacted me and told me thank you for sharing my "precious" story and that she too was abused and is going through therapy for it. She also befriended me on Facebook.

It has been empowering to name out loud what happened, especially since some of the women in the group knew me when I was "living" with my parents! To get to finally tell the reality, the truth of what happened. I called it "five miracles God did in my life".

[Telios]

As far as the resilient characteristics are concerned , I feel like I am pretty good in most of them , but I need to work on my intuitive side.

I used to think I was very intuitive, but it turns out I was probably just assuming things about people.  I now am trying to just listen to people and not worry so much about figuring them out as I have enough work to do on myself.

thanks, Telios

[jardin]

Oh, at the age of 30, about 2 months ago.  I was walking to work thinking about my partner when I started to really check into the thoughts I was having about our situation. So much of my focus was on how wrong I must be that she couldn't care, how bad I am at relationships, how I have failed again, how I would end up alone because I wasn't good enough.  About half way there, I realized that these things were all things I heard from my mom many many times over the years.  In different ways, for different reasons, but the same story:  I suck at life, I'll never be successful, I'm bad.  Moreover I recognized that everything I was doing to 'keep' S was the same I had to do to keep my mother calm.  Be the high achiever, make lots of money, smile and nod and go along, suppress my feelings, caregive and placate.  By the time I got to work (only a 20 minute walk mind you!) I was so freaked out that I had to turn around and come home!  I spent the rest of the day journaling, crying, and angry.  For lots of reasons, I kind of pushed it all down until just a few weeks ago when I just couldn't any longer and have since been very focused on the inner child work, which has been both hard, sad, and incredibly helpful.  I feel more alive then I have in a long time, if that makes any sense.  

As far as the good qualities, I think I have those and many others.  My biggest problem right now is figuring out who *I* am.  I think it's a lot more funky and creative and eccentric then my FOO would ever have desired, but I'm kind of getting excited about finding that out and letting loose.  Within the framework of an adult world where I have responsibility, I very much am giving myself whatever liberty possible to both be a kid and listen to/validate whatever healthy stuff she wants or feels.  I'm just so over being so restricted.  It's time to play.