9 months NC she is getting a reaction out of me now

[CVA]

have been posting here for sometime now,

I been almost 9mths NC after, us been newly weds, wife abandoned her marriage after 4o days of me in hell and disbelief as to what was happening, I found this forum'


Fast forward,

Has been  along road, to healing for me, and in that process she has been contacting friends via facebook , text messages and however, Most of the time acting as if she dialed the wrong number , from what my sources have been saying,

Why she has been doing this i dnt know, i can assume to smear my name, or tell her story and win allies.

well all has been quite the past two mnths,... She lives in CAli now where we met. while i was going to a ministry school.

While there i stayed in a dorm situation with other students called the GUYS HOUSE , while there i made alot of close friends and is also the same town where i met my wife, and the same house where my love affair began.


well that was like 1yr half ago,, when i styed there at the house, since then i married my wife and she came to the east coast to be with me,

and of course that was a very short visit on her part, the whole BPD spectrum


I recently just called back to cali to some old friends to check in and talk with them as it has been awhile and let them know how i am doing,

well my phone call to a friend ,opened up a conversation about my estranged wife and the he had herd she was hanging out at the GUYS HOUSE, and chumming up with my old roomate,  I was like no fricking way,, how strange, why would a woman who left her marriage want to hang at a place where memories could be triggered, and why my old roomate, whi she knows not?

I mean she has tons of family and friends there for support and woman to confide in... .Why my fellow classmate and roomie

Well this hurt and of course made me want to contact my former roomy and say my mind and what the f was up?

I asked if this was true,?

and here was his response,



Chris,

I don't know what you've heard or seen but let me share with you what has been going on the last couple of months weather you believe me or not I'm saying it now.

A couple of month's ago I was on Facebook, when I got an Instant message from Faith asking if it was ok to call me on the phone I said sure, no problem. So she called me sharing what had happened and why she is back over here.

She admitted both faults of what you did and what she did and I could tell she was telling the truth. she shared what was going on over the phone and I was listening with no judgments, and this went on for about two hours and so I started to pour out Papa's love to her with truth wrapped in love and some of it being tough love. She also shared with me that she is reclaiming her marriage back and I said I totally support you 100 %. I said Papa's love is unconditional and is not moved by what people do it is who they are.

Through these past two months of getting to know a Sister, I've discovered that she is an amazing woman of God not based on actions but on what I saw through Papa's Eyes. I saw an Esther anointing in her life. I told her God has to come first in her life and in yours before any changes are made and one dream supports another in a marriage. It's not 50/50 in a marriage its 100 percent and 100 percent with God before EVERYTHING! Yes I got to hang out with her. Dude you have an amazing wife and I say what God has joined together let NO man separate! You can take it or leave it bro but I bless you and your marriage. And I have agreed with Faith for restoration in your marriage.

And just to clear things up I've never even had my first kiss yet because; yes I know I'm going to be a great husband and dad that's not for me to worry about I'm not for going from girl to girl hoping to "score". I've got a love right now and it's God who is Love. He's letting me know what true love is and until he puts someone in my life its me and Him. All these words I know are true, weather or not you believe them.

Your BROTHER

Matthew

Of course, i dnt know how to take this , i mean it seems like she goes around, confesses her crap to anyone she knows, except to me directly, i mean she wrote my lawyer etc,

why?

why if she cares about her marriage like she is trying to convince them , does she just not call me herself or write to me?

I mean she has gone NC with me, long before i found this board and new what it meant!

It just opens wounds, as to how she is connecting with friends of mine and trying to connect with friends of mune and attempmets she has made.

I have herd this on at least 8 occasions, how people would tell me she called them or texted them like she had the wrong number and try o start a conversation with them by asking them how they were doing and such and intorduce herself,

they would not respond as to they new about our stuff,  but seems like she has made it to one, my roomie,

he is only 21, not to bright, very loving guy, and a total baby, Huey, or Man Child we shoudl say... I dnt think there is any phyical stuff, but, this just gets to me, I mean she is 30yrs old, and hangs with teens and hit_, i once thoguht this was cool and she had a heart for teens, bit now i see it differently,

She claims to want reconcile and tells people this noble thing, but has not acted upon it at all, And honestly really i am not sure wha i mwould do or say, now that i have been in this forum a while and see how and what happens to us nons who take back theer exes or get caught in the FOG,, i really need some support here, and vent,

which i am doing, now venting,, but if someone has insight or good advice, please help... .This has been so hard, and this alone has got a reaction out of me, that i am sure is getting back to her,

Chris

[2010]

Believe none of it. You're a smart guy- you know this already. You realized that your roommate is well intentioned- but also projecting on to you- his idea of a perfect marriage that he wants to have. (He's even admitting that he's never gotten close.)  His pep talk is all wishful thinking and malignant optimism for you- and with the underlying manipulation by her- easily opens the back door to your heart.

Your ex called your roommate because she's feeling guilt. Guilt can cause people to confess- but Borderlines choose people that will redress the behavior and side with them. They choose nice, forgiving people, caring people- who follow through and deliver the message as "proxy." Unfortunately these helpers don't realize they are being triangulated into rescuers, while leaving it to the rescuer to determine who is the victim and who is the persecutor.

As this is the Karpmann Drama Triangle, these positions all interchange- and this can make things even worse than with two people fighting. Whenever a third person is brought into the mix- it's best for someone to bow out and get off the triangle before feelings get hurt and people start feeling betrayed.  Generally speaking, the personality disordered require a third person to deliver their post mortem blame- so when you are finding yourself on the triangle, look around and see what role you're playing. The only way to win is not to play.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0

[Auspicious]

Don't worry so much about "why" ... .if she has BPD (has she been diagnosed?) then she is mentally ill. Ya know, I try not to worry too much about which part of the sky the guy on the corner is yelling at - it doesn't matter; he's mentally ill. It doesn't make sense by definition.

I'm a Christian, and I too have struggled with what that means in my over a decade long marriage to my diagnosed wife. What I've concluded for myself (with the help of people here at bpdfamily.com) is that our vows are not meant to simply imprison one person, when the other person is not competent or willing to be a partner in marriage.

[DAS]

Dude - yikes.

I thought my BPDex was an amazing woman when she told me about all she had done for an old neighbours kids and her adopted brother when they had nowhere else to go. I thought - wow - she really is a great person and if she can only get help for the BPD stuff, it would be great.

Of course, she never did get help. Instead she used me and betrayed me. Are these actions of a "good" person?

You saw beneath the smokescreen. Others can't. Only those who get close.

Don't be phased. You know what she is.

[CVA]

Never herd of this triangle thingy, but it sounds good,

The crazy thing, is that she has tried to call me now for the first time ever, I think she left a voicemail, i am tempted to just delete it, and not even listen to it.

I guess my old friend called her and told her how i confronted him.

Which now makes this Triangle thingy seem legit,


Man, i tell you, all day this has taken my head space as to what to do, It does seem apparent that she has been trying o use my friends or whomever will listen to her to deliver her messages to me in a indirect way, This is the 4rth time she has done this, and some other attempts also.

So you think this is all" Guilt" based on her part?

I did have a hunch it was guilt based, But if you could claify that would be great.


And yes what really gets to me is the vows i just made to her, it was like giving her a key to control,, once i signed the dotted line,, it was on!

No she has not been diagnosed... .but i have been told many times over that this is the culprit bu sevral professionals, when i took her to see a T to save and work on what i thought were normal married couple first mnth issues, is when i first was told about this BPD stuff by her T... i did not really sink in then, I was in denial and my wife had me braiwashed to think that she was just depressed and homesick...

So, pretty much from what i am getting here , is that this is just BS and the whole i wanna reconcile thingy is not really true, but more a a way to win favor with others, and to alleviate guilt she may be feeling?

I now, am worried about going to my FB account and reading any replys i might have, I sure dnt want to get sucked into this thing, Do they consiosly know that this works? i mean thats some pretty serious manipulation tactics.

I say  worried , cuz now that things are exposed, and the blanket has been pulled off, and she has tried to contaact me, I think i am going to have some more messages in my in box,

[Auspicious]

So you think this is all" Guilt" based on her part?

It doesn't matter.

You get out of the madness and FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) by focusing on what you think, not on what she thinks. Focusing on what she thinks is what got you into the madness.

[szia]

Show your friend the movie Fatal Attraction and then tell him to mind his own.

[DAS]

The crazy thing, is that she has tried to call me now for the first time ever, I think she left a voicemail, i am tempted to just delete it, and not even listen to it.

That is certainly what I would do. NOTHING good can come from contact.

I say  worried , cuz now that things are exposed, and the blanket has been pulled off, and she has tried to contaact me, I think i am going to have some more messages in my in box,

Set her e-mail addy to spam. Don't read or even open ANYTHING.

You need to protect YOU. And your life doesn't involve her anymore.

Hopefully she'll get the picture and leave you alone eventually.

The only way to win is not to play.

[CVA]

Has been so hard not thinking about the new discovery, Of her and my roomate.

Its like the hurt is started all over again... My obsessed thinking of what is happening between them two. And the way i found out about it. The whole thing going on behind my back.

I just cant shake it loose from my thoughts... .I hate it,

[DrPhil]

Has been so hard not thinking about the new discovery, Of her and my roomate.

Its like the hurt is started all over again... My obsessed thinking of what is happening between them two. And the way i found out about it. The whole thing going on behind my back.

I just cant shake it loose from my thoughts... .I hate it,

CVA, I am completely with you on this one.

I´ve been there myself - and some days I still very much am.

My ex left me and "jumped" right over to another guy.

Not that he is Mr Right for her (cuz I am absolutely sure their relationship wont last) but because she simply needs to have someone else to give her affirmation.

Same with your ex.

Someone once said: "The best revenge against someone sho steals your wife - is letting him keep her."

It doesn´t help you very much right now, I know.

But at least you have a pretty solid image of what she is like, her actions and her priorities.

And I would hope this would help you realize, that no matter how much you THOUGHT she was right for you - she just isnt.

You job now is to slowly but surely get to the point where your heart sees the same as your brain already knows:

That she is not what you want in your life.

It´s hard, and it can FEEL impossible at times - but you WILL get there, trust me!

I wish you strength!

x

[T2H]

Someone once said: "The best revenge against someone sho steals your wife - is letting him keep her."

 

[InJourneyThroughOz]

I mean she has tons of family and friends there for support and woman to confide in... .Why my fellow classmate and roomie... .

... .Dude you have an amazing wife and I say what God has joined together let NO man separate! You can take it or leave it bro but I bless you and your marriage. And I have agreed with Faith for restoration in your marriage... .

why?

why if she cares about her marriage like she is trying to convince them , does she just not call me herself or write to me?

I mean she has gone NC with me, long before i found this board and new what it meant!

I have the feeling that it is a way to protect herself, putting herself as a victim and you as the bad guy. Why? She went NC with you, now she contacts your former roomies, some of them whom she knows will can use their beliefs to support her "... .you have an amazing wife... let NO man separete... ." In a stuble way sending you the message though proxy via your roomies. You are NC so you are "supposed" not to know anything about those conversations. So no matter what happens you are the bad guy. "you see, I (capital I) am a loving, caring person who want's my marriage back but YOU (CVA) are the one who isn't open and not willing, the one who doesn't care, <insert here all the crap to denigrate you can think of>, etc...

Just a way to justify her behavior putting all the blame into you.

[Auspicious]

Just a way to justify her behavior putting all the blame into you.

Could well be.

Or it could be she is flailing around, and reaching out to someone ... .someone who is very much like who you were.

Or both. Or something else.


The point is, it doesn't matter why ... .the point for you is to stay out of FOG and make rational decisions, based on what you can actually know and control.

[CVA]

This has  all helped alot, and has me thinking. In a good way.

It appears to me she will go extreme lengths to make herself look like the good person, and to win ALLIES. I have never seen this before. And when i here about it, I find myself in defense mode, undoing her lies, and the world she has painted to them.

This, has caused me to have alot of foreign feelings, and attitudes about my situation,.

I just want to do the right thing, i want to come out on top of this. As healthy and sane as possible,

I mean, i would have never though that, i would be witholding my love and affection from a wife i just married only a few mnths back, As they say, we want the honeymoon stage to come back. 

someone posted on a earlier post , that this was a way for her to "RECYCLE " me. getting me to cave in, profess my love, and affection. to just dump me again,. and make herself look good,

I sure the hell dnt want to give her that power over ,,me, or go thru that. I just remeber at one time she had loving arms and touch, i miss that,  alot,! 

As far as my friend goes, i have blocked him on FB and well had to cut him out of my life. He may mean well, but the triangle will only hurt me more and confuse me, and keep me hooked,.

I know i have read alot of others posts here, about how they feel guilty, and they feel they are the ones leaving the relatonship for thier own sanity and health, I now sense she has turned the tables, feel that, way,  by me not responding to her calls, and the past two calls she made this past week, "OH and by the way she did leave voicmails". I ereased them,  It was so hard, as i only wondered if it were true, has she chnaged, and truly wants to make her marriage work, or is it just a trap, and another way to RECYCLE me,?

[JoannaK]

Please remember that those with BPD are usually not consciously manipulative.    Their emotions are usually inconsistent, so they don't know what they really want or feel from one minute to the next.  She may (right now) think she wants to reconcile.  But she may feel something else tomorrow or next week.

This is about you:  What do you want in your life now, CVA?  How do you see your future?