Why do I end up in these relationships?

[Sharon Jones]

Hi All,

I'm seeing a pattern in my relationships now.  I think my particular neurosis involves female friendships, especially when it's someone I work with.  Here's how it goes: someone I admire (or perhaps fear slightly--at any rate, I grant her a lot of power) suddenly wants to be my BFF.  I'm thrilled, but after a while (especially if we start to have differences of opinion, or if I argue with the way she sees the world), it all goes *very* bad.  At that point, my response (due to my assumption that she thinks the way I do?) is to defer to her like mad and scramble to avoid conflict.  If I finally face the conflict, the relationship concludes in a spectacular breakup (often involving a meltdown on my part and viciousness on hers). 

I've read about the urge to rescue people.  But this seems to have a slightly different dynamic.  I go skipping along, pleased to death with my new, smart, powerful friend, ignoring the many red flags waving in front of me.  Then it blows up in my face. 

I'm wondering what's making me do this.  Do I have some weird mother complex?  Am I associating myself with others who seem to have more power than I? (Sounds strange, because I've done this dance with multiple nutjobs.)

I'd be interested in hearing your opinions.

Thank you,

SJ

[havana]

Is it possible that you are attaching more to the r/s quicker than they are comfortable with?

[SoMuchPain]

hmm.  strangely reminds me of myself before i realized i was gay.  intense female friendships leading to an ultimate horrendous fallout.  usually with nutjobs.   sexual tension can cause one to go crazy.

i'm not "accusing" you ... .but ___ i sure wish someone had me take a deep look at myself in that regard years ago. 

[Sharon Jones]

Hi Havana and SoMuchPain,

I do think I have a tendency to rush into things.  If I were to offer someone a work project, it would be because I liked/trusted/admired that person.  But again there's that mistake of thinking that people think the same way I do.  I want to be less naive.   I'm skeptical of men (mostly--I just fell into the trap of an administrator who wanted to take me to lunch to "get my opinion" on things) who want to work with me (does he want me to be a glorified secretary?  Is he hitting on me? Is he using me as a pawn for a strategic move?).  But manipulative or disordered women continue to take me by surprise.  I guess it's my own assumption that women don't pull the rug out from under you, which is of course not true.

My new question is: how do you learn to be less naive?

And, SoMuchPain: thanks for your honesty.  I promise I don't think you're accusing me.   x

[juner]

I'm finally figuring out that whatever neuroses I have seem to attract the wrong kind of female friends at work, too. Seems I don't even know how to be friends with "normal" people.

It occurs to me that while hanging out with my ex-BPD friend of 18 years, I cemented my codependency in ways that drew other unhealthy types into my life. I turned out to be a super validator, someone who can reassure someone when they feel victimized, someone who is reliable, loyal, good at keeping secrets, an active listener. I'm someone who will meet you more than half way. Hey, if you're tired I'll drive to your place. Let's eat in your neighbourhood. I'll re-work my schedule to make this lunch date work, etc. etc. I thought that was just what you do for friends and it's all ok. These aren't bad traits, but there should be limits/boundaries.

Well, in the two years before my close friendship went bust, I became friends with this other woman at work and thought, we could be great pals. I'm finally branching out and expanding my circle of friends. How exciting and stimulating this person is. And she really likes me (ok, fawning a bit too much). And you know what? Weird things started happening. It would take a small novel to detail everything, but I started questioning everything. One day on the bpdfamily boards, there was a link about histronic personality disorder and I had another light bulb moment.

I'm in no position to diagnose, but I am certain beyond doubt that she at least has histronic personality style. No matter. I couldn't encourage this friendship any longer. I didn't want to wait for an uncomfortable blow-up.

Frankly, I started finding her behaviour really annoying, even though it started out OK. And knowing what I do about PDs, there is no way they can change their behaviour. You just can't talk about real stuff about your feelings, because your feelings don't count.

So, I started backing away, but she kept coming at me. For the last six months, she has repeatedly asked about getting together and I keep turning her down. I'm too busy, etc. Her persistance bothers me. What am I supposed to say, "Our personalities are not compatible - so let's just go back to being just co-workers, not friends?" She just won't take a hint.

Then's there the counter-borderline or trans-borderline co-worker, a woman whose daughter is BPD and the ex-H is NPD. I told her flat-out to stay away from me after a weird conflict  and now she's on a hate campaign at work, with sarcastic emails addressed to other people about my work, and she copies me to make sure I see it.

Since she's only neurotic and not out-and-out disordered, she's not much of a threat. I laugh to myself when I see her angry face. She used me as a sounding board and I now reject that role and she doesn't like it one bit. I'm polite in responding to her emails, but I told her I won't be talking about personal stuff.

I now realize I should have had boundaries in place long before these friendships took hold.

Self-help author Vernon Howard, quoting authors Edward Strecker and Kenneth Appel (Discovering Ourselves), said it is our absolute right to:

Act to choose or refuse your friends.

Act indifferently to shallow social demands.

Act against unsatisfactory conditions.

Act as best you know how, without apology.

Act free from threat or pressure.

Act in your own time.

These are a few of 50 "absolute rights" the authors talk about. Howard's book, Success Through the Magic of Peronal Power, goes on to say "everyone is responsible for freeing himself." When I read the entire list, I was astounded how many of these I have denied myself. We're not being mean to others when we stick up for our rights.

[SoMuchPain]

juner, do you by any chance work in a mental health field?  only because i notice a SERIOUS amount of mentally disordered seem to be in the field.  i am going into it, and it sucks to know that i will be around so many nutjobs.  hell, the first BPD i dated had her masters in behvaiorial analysis and guess how we got to talking?  i was inquiring about what to do with a BPD friend.  i asked her if she was familiar with the disorder.  her answer: "oh yes, very much so.  what would you like to know?"  i found out all i wanted to know within 2 weeks ... .

[innerspirit]

Hi Sharon -- my 2 cents --

it sounds like you're attracted to friends with whom you sense a power differential, friends whose shadow you can walk in.  (Are they rescuing you in some way?  Is it less risky than feeling that a friend is a peer?)  You're enthralled, granting them a kind of pedestal.  So they might start out thinking, "cool, this is someone who is really going to boost my ego."  Then as things go along and you reveal that you're not validating them at every turn, then the change is too much for them.

I think the fact that you're so articulate in this post means that you're on your way to changing the dynamic.

[2010]

Am I associating myself with others who seem to have more power than I? (Sounds strange, because I've done this dance with multiple nutjobs.)

Are you? Probably. According to Alan Rappoport, www.alanrappoport.com/pdf/Co-Narcissism%20Article.pdfThere are three common types of responses

by children to the interpersonal problems presented to them by their parents: identification, compliance, and rebellion. Most of the people who enter therapy are in the "compliance" category- Compliance refers to a child becoming the approving audience sought by the parent. (The child is complying with the parent’s needs by being the

counterpart the parent seeks.)

This dynamic carries over into adult life and is especially noticeable when choosing people to befriend. (The adult is complying with the friend’s needs by being the

counterpart the friend seeks.) Since the adult transaction mirrors the childhood dynamic- it requires one upmanship to occur- and the easiest way to find a person that thinks she's better than anyone else is to choose a narcissist. Narcissists are committee-holics, and use people for their own gain. The mirroring is different than Borderline personality- because the Narcissist purposely chooses people that will never threaten the mask of superiority. Meanwhile, the compliant friend gets their dose of childhood transaction, presumably in order to conquer the old battle with the (now replaced) parent.

This thrill seeking requires a big fish to fry- and a big fish (the replacement parent) will not be found in basic, same level friendships- there has to be a huge ego to represent the looming metaphorical parent to unlock the frustration and pain. Unfortunately, this repetition compulsion to seek out these egos -persists as an unsolved riddle- and lies deep below the surface in the subconscious.

Read the article by Rappoport and see if it helps shed some light.~*

[juner]

SMP, I'm not in the mental health field, but most of my coworkers do have their masters. The one's who feel compelled to talk about their achievements, like how many countries they've travelled to zzzzzzzz, or personal problems to excess, are the one's to avoid. I'm learning.

it sounds like you're attracted to friends with whom you sense a power differential, friends whose shadow you can walk in.

This pattern is certainly something to be aware of when a friendship takes off fast and you later discover there's no true reciprocity. SJ, you're aware of the power imbalance and can refuse to walk in someone's shadow in future work relationships. 2010, thanks for the literature. I scored big in the compliance area on a codependency test. ;p