The Bachelorette

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I love to watch the bachelorette and I don't know if anyone else here does, but did you see the news about Jake and Vienna?  They are on the covers of a few magazines this week.

She said that he was cold, abusive and would not have sex with her.

Also was not sympthetic when a pet died.

Makes one wonder.

The scariest part is that when I watch the show, I thought that he was all that because I adore pilots (I have a fear of flying so they are my hero).

[ve01603]

I love to watch the bachelorette and I don't know if anyone else here does, but did you see the news about Jake and Vienna?  They are on the covers of a few magazines this week.

She said that he was cold, abusive and would not have sex with her.

Also was not sympthetic when a pet died.

Makes one wonder.

The scariest part is that when I watch the show, I thought that he was all that because I adore pilots (I have a fear of flying so they are my hero).

[cretehead]

Its hard to admit but I have watched the show,here and there  , in fact i am friends with the first cpl that married, and he knew all about my relationship with BPDexgf who loved to watch the show, but not sure about the guy ve01603, but I tagged the gal BPD, in fact it seems lots of the folks that get a ways down the show have BPD traits, in fact lots of these crazy reality shows peeps show some kind of issues, NPD ect. Would love to hear what some of the other long time folks on this board think about that. I do know that my BPDexgf could never handle much of the actual day to day process of a show like this,beacuse as in true waif form, she was very intelligent,super beautiful,but just not capable of handling much of anything from being organized to handling day to day drama, I think she would just sleep

[ve01603]

I think she would just sleep

Good job if you can get it.

[cretehead]

Good Point!

[kly]

I don't watch TV, and perhaps it's the nature of Reality Television.  But, she doesn't seem like a very nice person if she's publicly saying those things about him.

[T2H]

I haven't watched much tv in the last two years (don't even have one now!) but I got sucked in by a friend to watching the one Bachelorette that had Jake on - because the girl was from Canada.  Plus I always think it's funny (especially on shows like The Apprentice) where people say one thing, and then completely act differently.  Maybe that's why I was attracted to my exBPDgf... .humor?   ;p

Anyway, something about him rubbed me the wrong way - he seemed too fake / perfect / Ken Doll kinda thing.  There's gotta be something dark lurking around back there.  But of course, some people (ie. female friends) seemed all to willing to overlook that possibility... .

But who knows, maybe he's a great guy - and the girl is just bitter or the magazine is trying to sell copies... .

[goldstar]

Okay, I watched it. He did seem a little phony, used the same words to describe different girls. But she wasn't a nice person. None of the women in the house liked her. I think that's says a big something right there. She was nasty and would say nasty things about the others. Even when they did the trip home to meet her family. Her family said that she's always had trouble getting along with other women, because the other women were jealous.

That was her side -- of him being cold, etc. She got big bucks for backmouthing him. His side is that she was verbally abuse and it turned him off. hmmmm.

[2010]

She's definitely the poster child for Borderline Waif. Waifs typically want the best and the brightest to latch onto, so the choice is most often a partner with NPD traits. This can only be persons in a one-upmanship power dynamic, so the power balance is in what the NPD partner offers to the BPD and in what the BPD partner offers to the NPD as collateral.

Her behaviors were seductive and intentionally self-centered with one goal in mind- and that was to seduce with words of love so she would be taken care of. They didn't mention whether or not she had a career, but they did mention his. That's a set-up for a Waif who wants to feel attached to someone of importance without having that solid feeling of security coming from within. The Waif's job *is* the partner.

I dont recall seeing this girl's Mother on the show- but I do recall her being ":)addy's little girl." That's problematic in either an incestual way or an inadequate emotional support following parental abandonment. Either way, she wasn't given the ability to set goals without a Man in the picture.

She had a Boyfriend stalking her when she returned from taping the show- he was arrested. This is a sign of a definite lack of communication, closure and end respect.

Meanwhile, shes on to the new relationship but the NPD partner is getting attention (without her) in other ways- such as dancing and acting and honing his image (this once included her but now eclipses her) Symbolically, the dancing partners have changed- and the Waif is left in the audience as another adoring onlooker- a commoner. This defeats the effort of attaching herself to a Narcissist, and since the Borderline's behavior is compulsively driven, something has to be done to change this dynamic.

The Waif needs to be held and comforted and soothed, and when this doesn't come quickly enough, the brain's response to this emotional stress is impulsive and impaired judgment. No one is trusted by the Waif when the brain begins it's PTSD- *except for another Narcissist to attach to*

Maybe that's why she began an affair with another Man. And not just any Man, but an "actual television actor" that replaces the "aspiring acting career" of Jake Pavelka.

[cretehead]

Well said 2010, sounds like you are a professional and I like said I would imagine most of the peeps who go on these shows have some kind of mental issue. Its funny but untill being involved with someone like this I would just think thats how people are, they can change. This Bachorette had all kinds of crazy history with men, of course the guy did as well, being on a earlier show. My BPDex waif  was living with a guy when we met, who eventually took her to court for money she owed him, so I kept my distance at first, so I really didn't want to go there, but she put on the full court press seducing me ect,her beauty was spectacular, she could seduce with her eyes alone. It is amazing how in these days of reality TV, and talk shows such as Nancy Grace, where you dont hear alot of expert guest  T's, Pdoc's bring up BPD, and why dating shows BPD's dont get vetted out in the casting process, its probably what the shows want, and how they get viewers, they certainly create drama. I recently read a story, where a guy who was a skilled police  negotiator, got himself into a relationship with a BPD, and was unaware of the disorder, maybe it was talked about, in school ect. but ,like when my T first pegged my ex BPD, it went rent over my head, I didnt understand or even want to at that point, but I also had friends that are at the highest level of negotiation, in law enforcement and he really was never taught about the disease. I guess untill you have dealt with a BPD face to face, you just wont get it.

[goldstar]

How very interesting. My undergrad is in Psychology and granted this was 20+ years ago, but as far as I can remember the only time BPD was brought up was in Abnormal Psych class and that was briefly. After college I worked at a psych hospital and one of the patients was diagnosed with BPD. I didn't quite understand it at the time, because in school it was just that these people take on other people's personalities and have a lot of drama. that was it. Maybe it's different now though.

So, really these shows probably do want people with BPD to create drama? The thing that gets me is these people fall in love so quickly. It's like I love himmmmm, why didn't he pick me, wahhh. Haven't they known each other only a few weeks?

[T2H]

I have a minor in psych (*almost* a dbl major) - from just over 10 years ago - never heard of BPD then.

pwBPD do have fast/furious/intense relationships - that does work out well for reality show timeframes.

[kly]

Could you imagine the popularity of a psych course where you diagnose character disorders on reality television!  LOL

Every week the students would watch "The Bachelor" and "America's Next Top Model" (can you say  anorexia?) and "The Apprentice" (NPD anyone?) and DX the characters, see who nails BPD first?

I'd sign up for that class.  That would be a hoot!

[T2H]

Hehe. (for the idea and because you said 'hoot' )

Would Survivor be the final exam?

[goldstar]

kly !