I exposed his cheating to his GF

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

For the last 4 months, I have been living a lie. My ex -BPDbf dumped me 4 months ago and instantly moved a woman in with him. He and I have still been sleeping together this entire time. I have talked to my therapist and she said I should try to disengage from him emotionally and that leaving is a process. See, I am still in love with him and have asked him to leave his new gf. I know, intellectually speaking, he is poison to me. I know we have no future together and the past was a lie. I know all this, but I love him. So, I took what I could get, which wasn't much.

Today, I found out he was on Facebook and found out the name of his gf. (His daughter told me). If you read my previous post, you will find out his daughter(also possible BPD) has been in contact with me.  All along I haven't asked him about her and acted like it didn't bother me, that I could just have sex with him without feeling. Well, today, i snapped. I wrote her a letter confessing everything. I told her we have been sleeping together the whole time. That we have talked 4 or 5 times a week since they started their relationship. That he has BPD and NPD and that I am telling her because I want to stop seeing him and getting hurt and I thought she should know. See I feel that if I make him mad enough, maybe he will paint me so black he won't ever want to talk to me again. I want this because I don't have the strength to stop with him and I know it is wrong and killing me.

I realize this is selfish on my part but I am so hurt. Certain pictures he had posted and captions have personal meaning to me and hurt me a great deal and I wanted to lash out. But also, I honestly think she should know. 

I appreciate all comments even those that may be critical of what I have done.

[cmk]

For the last 4 months, I have been living a lie. My ex -BPDbf dumped me 4 months ago and instantly moved a woman in with him. He and I have still been sleeping together this entire time. I have talked to my therapist and she said I should try to disengage from him emotionally and that leaving is a process. See, I am still in love with him and have asked him to leave his new gf. I know, intellectually speaking, he is poison to me. I know we have no future together and the past was a lie. I know all this, but I love him. So, I took what I could get, which wasn't much.

Today, I found out he was on Facebook and found out the name of his gf. (His daughter told me). If you read my previous post, you will find out his daughter(also possible BPD) has been in contact with me.  All along I haven't asked him about her and acted like it didn't bother me, that I could just have sex with him without feeling. Well, today, i snapped. I wrote her a letter confessing everything. I told her we have been sleeping together the whole time. That we have talked 4 or 5 times a week since they started their relationship. That he has BPD and NPD and that I am telling her because I want to stop seeing him and getting hurt and I thought she should know. See I feel that if I make him mad enough, maybe he will paint me so black he won't ever want to talk to me again. I want this because I don't have the strength to stop with him and I know it is wrong and killing me.

I realize this is selfish on my part but I am so hurt. Certain pictures he had posted and captions have personal meaning to me and hurt me a great deal and I wanted to lash out. But also, I honestly think she should know. 

I appreciate all comments even those that may be critical of what I have done.

[cmk]

Furthermore, I have posted a few times on the disengaging board and I feel terrible guilt about not coming clean to all of you!

[mondrian]

I'm kinda new here and still learning, but the emotions you have that have led you to take this action is the result of what your ex has done to you.  You have acted in accordance.  He has created an environment of high emotional turmoil and you have reacted with a high degree of emotion.  Understandable.  Don't doubt your actions I think.  It's absolutely brilliant that you have put yourself on the line and told the new gf.  I would.  I would just say 'bpdfamily.com' to them.  Because they're gonna need it!  You've thrown her a bouyancy aid!  I sure as hell wish someone had thrown me one  .  Hope you get through it and stay NC.  I can't see how anyone is emotionally strong enough to take it.  Even if you start off emotionally strong, they grind you down.  It's just not possible in my view.  Stay well x

[cmk]

Thanks so much. I feel guilty like it is not my place to tell her, but at the same time, he knows I have a hard time staying away from him and he exploits that.

[RealEyes]

I so feel your deep sorrow and pain in your words    

I have done this before to get such results, as well, after being hurt of some sorts but they come back later anyway with their tails tuck years later saying they are sorry? Dont get yourself a legal jam while snapping, ok? She might not embrace anything you've said if he has painted you black before your snap, so dont expect anything else from them. Take care of yourself, your sanity, for these people dont seem to feel what we feel in the same manner for she too might be BPD. Get away as far as possible from the net, take a break from it if possible and anything that reminds of him

go blow up something of his with a loud firework this 4th,, for its your Independence Day,, Love!

Set off as many loud fireworks as possible and cry it out while they go off, have a quart of non-dairy ice cream too!

take care~

[cmk]

My therapist said I have continued to sleep him and see him because my "heart" is not in leaving. My "head "is in it but not my

"heart". She said when I feel ready,when I am hurt enough, I will make the break. I hope that time can be now.

[DrPhil]

My therapist said I have continued to sleep him and see him because my "heart" is not in leaving. My "head "is in it but not my

"heart". She said when I feel ready,when I am hurt enough, I will make the break. I hope that time can be now.

That is very true. My dad used to say "you´re not ready till you´re ready".

As much as your brain KNOWS what´s right for you - sometimes you have to drag yourself thru hell and back to make your heart catch up.

Of course, you always have the option of following your brain completely - but it´s very hard for most people to force themselves to do so.

Let your heart love him all it wants. That´s fine for now.

But let your brain guide you and tell you what your ACTIONS should be.

That way you won´t get into more trouble than you need.

Hope you are feeling a little better today?

x

[cmk]

Thanks. A little bit. If he were truly happy with his gf, I think I would say "Well, at least he has found someone". But the fact that he has been sleeping with me since the beginning, well, that is what leads me to believe he is fooling the poor woman. I told him the other day that I have seen a different side of him after we broke up. I didn't realize what a liar and a cheat he was. He was offended by that.

I think if I stay detached and just give him enough rope, he'll hang himself. I still love him, but I have lost respect for him, which is a good thing. Because it will get to a point, even for me,  when love won't be enough.

[DrPhil]

Thanks. A little bit. If he were truly happy with his gf, I think I would say "Well, at least he has found someone". But the fact that he has been sleeping with me since the beginning, well, that is what leads me to believe he is fooling the poor woman. I told him the other day that I have seen a different side of him after we broke up. I didn't realize what a liar and a cheat he was. He was offended by that.

I think if I stay detached and just give him enough rope, he'll hang himself. I still love him, but I have lost respect for him, which is a good thing. Because it will get to a point, even for me,  when love won't be enough.

CMK, it will take time.

Right now your brain sees exactly what´s going on. Your heart simply won´t - and it will take some time before that happens.

He will probably always have a special place in your heart, but eventually you will come to a place in your life where it doesn´t hurt anymore.

Just accept that the next weeks and months will be a journey. You will meet the "waves", and you will have ups and downs constantly.

It´s all perfectly natural - allow yourself to heal and come to terms with this extreme situation you are in.

I hope you can do yourself a favor, and make sure that the practicalities of your life function. I.e. job, payments, cleaning, eating right, working out etc.

It will be an invaluable help thru this period - especially because you will probably spend a LOT of time wondering about him, his actions, the why´s etc etc.

You´ll need to keep yourself and your everyday routines in shape to deal with this.

The questions that you have right now about his actions are also normal.

In time you will realize that it´s completely futile to try and understand him. You simply can´t.

But it´s an excercise we´ve all gone thru - and still are - so that, too is normal.

Just try to also focus on YOU and YOUR life in all this. Don´t let him get all your attention.

x

[cmk]

Thanks for the kind words and good advice. I'm OK.

NC is just very hard for me. In the last 4 months, we've maybe been NC for 1 week. It is hard for me because my Mother is BPD and growing up, she would give me the silent treatment when she got mad at me. Not saying a single word to me for days. It drove me nuts and still does. NC triggers all kind of abandonment issues that I have. "Fleas" from childhood, I guess.

[DrPhil]

Thanks for the kind words and good advice. I'm OK.

NC is just very hard for me. In the last 4 months, we've maybe been NC for 1 week. It is hard for me because my Mother is BPD and growing up, she would give me the silent treatment when she got mad at me. Not saying a single word to me for days. It drove me nuts and still does. NC triggers all kind of abandonment issues that I have. "Fleas" from childhood, I guess.

I know the feeling!

And it´s ok to feel that way.

It just takes time.

Often these toxic relationships help us cover up whatever deeper issues we have.

We bury ourselves in the person we love - and give it our best. Meanwhile, the issues are still there, under the surface.

And then, when we get dumped or the R/S goes sour, all those buried issues resurface - and it makes everything seem SO much harder and unsurmountable.

But in reality, they are seperate problems - they simply get brought into light by the breakup.

It´s the same for me. My R/S allowed me to focus on other things besides the issues I should have been dealing with.

When my ex left me, all that sh1t suddenly surfaced - and the breakup now seems SO much bigger than it really is.

Regarding abandonment: Are you seeing a therapist?

[PDQuick]

The heart versus the head battle. I know that all too well. You and I experienced the same things. When I ultimately left my ex, she started dating the next door neighbor. They were married within 3 months. Upon previous breakups, she and I would sleep together throughout her other relationships. Who was to blame? Who was at fault? Was it wrong?

Looking back, with therapy and distance under my belt, it was what it was. I didn't accept her for who she was during the entirety of our relationship. I placed all of my own value in her. I felt that if I was ever going to have what it was that I wanted, I had to change her into the person I wanted, rather than accepting her for the person she showed me she was, time and time again. I had some really screwed up thought patterns, and some twisted thinking about the perceptions that I held about life, and relationships.

You see, I, just like you, had desires. I wanted to be loved, and feel like I was above the others in the world. This type of relationship fed those desires, and satisfied them, at first, during the honeymoon stages of the relationship. Then, as the situation changed, and the dynamics changed, I took them as an invalidation of myself, rather than seeing it for what it was. I invested myself completely to get back to the beginning, and have things as they once were, where my desires were being satisfied. As you may have guessed, it didn't work out that way.

The "head versus heart" dynamic exists because you want more out of your relationship. You are trying to manipulate someone into doing what it is that you need to feel fulfilled. You, like I did, are shifting responsibility of your emotional needs to another person. Instead of accepting the situation, you are trying to regain your value, by manipulating things to a place where your own emotional desires are met. This is the twisted thought pattern that is keeping you stuck.

In a perfect world, you will be completely aware of your own desires and needs, and will be mindful of the role that you, and anyone that you allow into your life, has in accordance to those desires and needs. You are the only one responsible for filling those, and it is up to you to place people who demonstrate the desire and ability to help you feel those needs and desires into their respective roles. Acceptance is the key here. You have to be willing and able to see others abilities to help you. In this case, your head sees the inability in your boyfriend, but your heart feels that your overall value depends on getting him to develop the ability and desire to be the one who can fill those needs for you. It is a recipe for disaster.

If you search your motivations deeply, the reason you wrote the letter was to hopefully eliminate the competition, and have him return to you, to continue the process of upping your value, by way of satisfying your desires. The real truth is your value is within yourself, waiting on you to claim it, and start putting people in place that have the ability, rather than forcing someone to, that doesn't.

[Paws]

Thanks for the kind words and good advice. I'm OK.

NC is just very hard for me. In the last 4 months, we've maybe been NC for 1 week. It is hard for me because my Mother is BPD and growing up, she would give me the silent treatment when she got mad at me. Not saying a single word to me for days. It drove me nuts and still does. NC triggers all kind of abandonment issues that I have. "Fleas" from childhood, I guess.

Hi cmk,

x

I know the pain you are going through... .I think this relationship has brought me to my knees so many times that sometimes I'm amazed I'm still here.  I grew up with an emotionally abusive BPD mom too.  It took me nearly 4 years of this relationship and wondering why I put up with all this crap, to really come to terms with the fact that enmeshment, pain, and abuse feel in some ways like "love" to me.  When you don't have any good examples of love growing up, what you accept as "normal" as an adult can be so out of line with what anyone else perceives as love that they are nowhere near the same thing.  I have the book "Toxic Parents" and it has been so helpful for me.  I also have "Addicted to Unhappiness" which is about how the way your parents treat you at a very young age can set you up to associate feelings of unhappiness with what you perceive to be love (which is not really love at all).  I like both books a lot.  They have helped me see why I have had the relationship problems I've had, why I've been so happy with horrible partners, and what I need to do to love and accept myself, and only choose good partners for myself from now on. 

You may love him, but it's a really unhealthy type of love.  He does NOT love you... .you may think he does, he might even think or say he does, but who would do that to someone they love?  You deserve SO much better.  Sometimes, our hearts have been damaged so much throughout our lives, we have to put our brains in control.  My brain has to take the lead, rather than my heart, as does yours.  Our hearts can't be trusted, because they have been damaged too much.  As they heal and catch up with our brains, we can give them more and more control... .but we have to always listen to our brains too.  You are settling for crumbs, but you deserve the whole cake!

I do not think what you did by contacting the girlfriend is bad.  Some may disagree, but the way that I look at it is this: If I were in a relationship with someone who I believed was being faithful to me, I would ALWAYS want the "mistress" to contact me if there was one, because I wouldn't want to waste another day of my life with an SOB who didn't deserve me.  If I were her I would be grateful for the information you provided... .better to find out now than down the road after possibly getting engaged, married, or having a kid with the guy.  So I don't think what you did was wrong.  And I do hope that YOU will hold yourself accountable rather than hoping he will do this by painting you black.  You can do this!  I hope you truly believe you deserve better than this, because you do.  I know that sometimes it's hard to believe that when the people who shaped so much of who we are as little children didn't treat us in ways that let us believe that.  But as an adult you can take back that control that your mother's view of you had, and reclaim your worth, and realize you do deserve someone who truly loves you and treats you as you should be treated, rather than someone who is truly selfish and disordered, who will only ruin your life if you let him.

  and 

You can do this.  You control your destiny from here on out!  Listen to that brain of yours- God gave it to you for a reason! 

Much Love,

28paws

[Koro]

Thanks so much. I feel guilty like it is not my place to tell her, but at the same time, he knows I have a hard time staying away from him and he exploits that.

What you did is actually the right thing to do. It was your place to tell her. I am proud of you.  =)

[cmk]

Sometimes, our hearts have been damaged so much throughout our lives, we have to put our brains in control.  My brain has to take the lead, rather than my heart, as does yours.  Our hearts can't be trusted, because they have been damaged too much.  As they heal and catch up with our brains, we can give them more and more control... .but we have to always listen to our brains too.  You are settling for crumbs, but you deserve the whole cake!

[/color 28 paws, this is true. My heart is damaged and can not be relied upon at this time. I have to use my brain.

I am in therapy. I have had the same therapist for many years. She has seen me since the start of this relationship. When I first started seeing him 2 years ago, he was seeing a therapist as well. He was the one who told me he was BPD/NPD. I thought he wanted to change. My therapist thought maybe we had a chance since he was in therapy as well. Well after the honeymoon period and our first breakup, he stopped seeing his therapist. After we got back together the first time, things never did go back to the honeymoon phase and I have been unhappy ever since. I definitely have pushed for him to change his behaviors, yet at the same time enabling him by not setting boundaries. So, I am trying to see my role in what went wrong. Just because we have dated, BPD's it doesn't mean out behavior has been perfect either!

Like I said before, I know I don't have a future with him. I just have to wait until my heart catches up to my head. Knowing something is bad for us, and avoiding it, are two different things.

[2010]

You may need a new therapist. Someone who helps you turn the focus onto your own behaviors. Encouraging you or even discussing that you send a letter like this isn’t helping you to detach and heal from the drama- it’s only placing blame onto him for your own bad behavior and enmeshing yourself in drama with another Woman- who may respond in ways you did not expect.

For instance, you knew he was seeing her- yet you chose to continue sleeping with him behind her back.  Now you've sent a letter stating a claim- she reads it and she knows he’s sleeping with you, but perhaps she’s just as hooked, and this becomes a stand-off of wills. If he is a narcissist, this is a dream come true. Two women fighting over him? Welcome to triangulation (read definition) 101, where everybody is sick and revolving around the triangle in a game of musical chairs.

The title of this post should really be self-directed. Instead of “I exposed his cheating to his GF” it should read “I exposed MY cheating to his GF.”

You knew about her, yet you continued to sleep with him knowing it would hurt her, perhaps even to prove to him that you were the one he loved the best. So willing to continue the abuse that you would do anything to wreck your own boundaries and self esteem.

Sending a letter like this- has a motive.

1)   She gets mad and dumps him. She refuses to speak to you both ever again. Then you have him all to yourself. This is what Sam Vaknin calls a Transformation of Aggression; a sadistic cocktail of brutal honesty coupled with "helpful advice" and "concern" for the welfare of the person attacked. Perhaps you think of yourself as a good Samaritan. (Too bad that "helpful advice" and "concern" for the welfare only applies to the other Woman and not to yourself.)

2)   She gets mad at *you* and keeps him. You are now labeled crazy. He gets the focus taken off of his behavior and on to yours. The Karpmann Drama Triangle = persecution/victim/rescuer.

3)   She gets mad and contacts you- you both become trauma bonded against him and now you have a new BFF you can look to for support and comfort (not likely to happen and still enmeshed with drama against another human being. A Human being that you cannot control, cure or change.)

None of these motives allow you to take responsibility for yourself- with the exception of #2- which will likely crush your self esteem and healing.

If you were raised in a toxic environment you were taught not to value yourself and didn't learn much, if anything about boundaries. Your therapist HAS to ensure that you don't violate your own boundaries. Even if you have to sit on your hands- it's important to learn how to remain steadfast in your SELF. This is about you- learning how to deal with someone else's mental illness while not suffering your own.

According to A.J. Mahari, "A NPD who manipulates and/or seduces his victim is a predator. More often than not these predators have personality disorders - most common among them - Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. Particularly difficult to deal with are those who actually have both Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These two personality disorders when co-morbid in an individual more or less feed off of each other making everything worse for those trying to relate to them and those who are often being abused and victimized by them. These predators prey on those that they can use and manipulate to gratify their own wants and needs. It is always about them - it is never about the victim."

What’s done is done. The letter is sent. What needs to be addressed now is how you eliminate the drama effectively while building boundaries for yourself. Your Therapist hasn’t effectively begun this task and needs to start now. She needs to explain to you the awful truth of triangulation (read definition), collusion and enmeshment. Ask her to explain to you that the only way off the triangle is not to play. The other "solutions" you have to your pain are temporary. Let's get it fixed. x

[cmk]

Please re-read my post. My therapist has nothing to do with the letter. The letter is an email I sent on my own.

[cmk]

RE-read the post. I wasn't cheating on anyone. I am not in a relationship with anyone. HE is cheating not me. I continued to sleep with a man I loved even after he started a relationship with someone else. 

My motive is 2 fold:

1. I am alerting her to the real emotional danger he presents to her. He is toying with her emotions. She will discover this soon enough on her own whether I told her or not.

2. I am hoping this makes him mad enough at me to discontinue his end of contact with me. I have already stated that I do not have the strength to stay away at this time. I have frequently told him I wanted no contact and then sent him a text or email which he responded to. I am hoping this time I will be black enough so he won't want anything to do with me.

My therapist said she knows I want to stop seeing him but I haven't been hurt enough for my heart to recognize this.  I intellectually don't want any part of him. My heart ( and body) don't see things this way.

I don't care what this woman does with the information. I even told her I totally respect her if she continues to live with him. If she loves him, it is her choice. I told her I did this to let her know I exist (which apparently she knows about me and is quite jealous of me already, according to his daughter.) And to let her know I no longer want any part of it. I am hoping that if I come clean and state it intellectually often enough, my heart will follow.

I DON"T WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. As for the 2 of them, they can do whatever they wish.

Please go back and re-read what I have written and the comments of the others. I am very aware of NPD and triangulation (read definition) and boundaries and everything else. My therapist is quite good. She just knows you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. As many have stated before leaving is a process. It isn't a one time thing.

[DAS]

I continued to sleep with a man I loved even after he started a relationship with someone else.  

Well - you do have a relationship with him - ie the sexual one.

This statement just strikes me as odd. You continue to love someone who wants to be with someone else. Doesn't that cause you to feel like you're pouring your love into a vortex? Like you're not getting anything out of it.

CMK - please re-read 2010's post. You DO have a relationship with this guy. It's not him sleeping with you... .It's you allowing him to sleep with you while he is pursuing someone else.

2. I am hoping this makes him mad enough at me to discontinue his end of contact with me. I have already stated that I do not have the strength to stay away at this time. I have frequently told him I wanted no contact and then sent him a text or email which he responded to. I am hoping this time I will be black enough so he won't want anything to do with me.

Please re-read also what you wrote. You've TOLD him you wanted no contact but then YOU initiated contact! YOU broke NC first and you EXPECT the pwBPD to hold to it! Really - expect nothing but crazy from the crazy one. There is NOTHING you can do to make him see you as black enough that he will stop responding to your prevocations. The pwBPD does what they feel like doing. And if you license it... .

Big big big red flags here. Boundaries are not abour making the other person do what you want. They are about what you will do. And I think it the height of foolishness to expect the sleeping tiger to stay still if you keep poking it. Do you see that?

[DrPhil]

Dear CMK,

I think 2010 has some very valid points, and so does DAS.

They may sting - a lot - but they are very accurate.

You shouldn´t be manipulating him or her - to get to a point where he will MAKE you leave the relationship.

I understand your dilemma - but the irony is that you are running a bigger risk of hurting yourself a LOT more, by sending her a letter than by "simply" leaving him.

As I see it you have three choices:

1) Continue sleeping with him until u simply can´t take it anymore. Risk: Getting your already low self-esteem completely obliterated.

2) Work with your therapist on how to set boundaries and how to implement them with him. Reherse what you want to say to him, and how.

3) Create a drama triangle that most likely will backfire on you. At least don´t count on the result you expect. I think he may well keep both of you if he can get away with it.

There is no sugarcoating this, CMK:

You NEED to be working on your self-esteem and boundaries.

Manipulation is at best a short term fix - but it won´t solve ur problem.

I think you need to stay with friends or family for a while - I am sure they can and will help you keep away from him.

You need to get out of this toxic environment. Now.

Forget the detours and manipulation. Be practical about HOW you can physically go NC on him.

I know ALL about how hypnotic and magnetic a SO can be to you - which is EXACTLY why you need to get out of his reach and go completely NC.

I wish you all the strength possible!

Love, DP  x

[cmk]

Thanks guys. I appreciate all the comments and suggestions. 

I just want to make clear that my motive is not to "get" him. I have told him today that I am done. (apparently she has not read the email yet.) And frankly, I don't care if she does read it.

I am going NC. I am leaving for camping. I will be gone for 5 days. He just came back from camping. I haven't seen him since Wednesday. I figured it would at least a few days break to strengthen my resolve.

Please understand, I know it was wrong to write the email at all. But since I did it, I am hoping something positive can come from it. I don't know the woman and don't plan on getting to know her. I don't want to see either of them again. Nor, contact them.

[DrPhil]

Thanks guys. I appreciate all the comments and suggestions. 

I just want to make clear that my motive is not to "get" him. I have told him today that I am done. (apparently she has not read the email yet.) And frankly, I don't care if she does read it.

I am going NC. I am leaving for camping. I will be gone for 5 days. He just came back from camping. I haven't seen him since Wednesday. I figured it would at least a few days break to strengthen my resolve.

Please understand, I know it was wrong to write the email at all. But since I did it, I am hoping something positive can come from it. I don't know the woman and don't plan on getting to know her. I don't want to see either of them again. Nor, contact them.

CMK, that sounds like the best thing you´ve done for YOU in a while!  x

Good plan! Stay strong and stick to it!

[kj1234]

Please understand, I know it was wrong to write the email at all. But since I did it, I am hoping something positive can come from it. I don't know the woman and don't plan on getting to know her. I don't want to see either of them again. Nor, contact them.

I don't think you were wrong, so don't criticize yourself about it.  I understand the part about you should be focusing on yourself, etc., but still I don't think what you did was wrong.  I have seen this debate before on this site and there is always disagreement over whether or not to talk to the new person or an old ex.

If I ever have the chance I might just send a mountain of legal documents and other documents to her next guy.  I don't care who calls that wrong.  I did contact her first H after she left.  He and I have talked a few times.  After a year he now thanks me and says I have helped him a lot because for ten years he had self doubt, wondering what he might have done wrong and wondering why he was alienated from his sons.  When we talked it was validating for both of us and we see things more clearly.  For me, I had already figured some things out because I had the privilege of seeing it from both sides; i.e., when she was pursuing me and married to him, then when she was involved in other things while married to me.  I know she was lying profusely and successfully to both of us and I am sure she was doing the same with the third target.

These scumbags should face some consequences.  Don't feel bad at all about contacting the other woman.  Truth is rarely a bad thing.  Let your ex feel what it is like to have nobody, instead of overlapping at someone else's expense, like so many pwBPD do.

I wouldn't want to have contact with my ex's new guy (don't even know if she is still with the same one, or how many there were), but I would gladly send him a big box of information.

[trax]

I hope this works out well for you. 

I wish one of my (now ex) husband's affairs had confronted me with some facts.  I confronted one and she denied everything.  I ended up just having to dig around on my own and try to figure out what was going on.  It sucked and it took me longer to get rid of the loser because I was so unsure.

x

[DAS]

I just want to make clear that my motive is not to "get" him. I have told him today that I am done. (apparently she has not read the email yet.) And frankly, I don't care if she does read it.

I, at least, have understood this all along. The part that got to me was you placing all the responsibility on him for continuing the relationship you had with him post-break up (ie the sex) and your baffling double standard expectation of "it's ok for me to contact him but I don't want him to reply or contact me".

I am going NC. I am leaving for camping. I will be gone for 5 days. He just came back from camping. I haven't seen him since Wednesday. I figured it would at least a few days break to strengthen my resolve.

Good! Hope you enjoy your trip! 

Please understand, I know it was wrong to write the email at all. But since I did it, I am hoping something positive can come from it. I don't know the woman and don't plan on getting to know her. I don't want to see either of them again. Nor, contact them.

Once more, the e-mail is a significantly less important issue here. It is the last part that is important. Stick to no contact which means you don't initiate any and, since you can't control what your ex will do, ignore any attempts that he makes to reengage.

He may, or may not in the future. And your resolve is the ONLY thing that can protect you if he does.

Luck and strength  x

[Tippy]

You have thrown in the grenade, please arm yourself against the shrapnell that might be flying your way soon... .they are capable of anything.  I wish you well.  Have a good camping trip.

[Manon46]

I DON"T WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.

But you do, otherwise you wouldn't have it...

You are giving all the power that you have into the hands of your ex.

You are the one who decides if you have a relationship, sexual or otherwise, not him, you are allowing, he has no saying in it.

Please read PDQuick's reply to you, he points out exellent how these thoughpatterns works.

Waiting for him to end this relation with you, is continueing your pain, you are emailing his new gf because you want to manipulate

their relation, so he'd either be mad at you, or leave her and return to you.

You know by your mind i.e brains that there is no future in this,yet you keep him in your life because you are terrified of being left alone.

Focus on your empty holes, your disfunction, and try to gain power and control over your own actions x

[2010]

Wow- Das, Dr. Phil, Tippy, some very experienced posts. I wish I had you guys in my corner when I had a similar experience. PD Quick, your wisdom is thought provoking and heartfelt.

You know by your mind i.e brains that there is no future in this,yet you keep him in your life because you are terrified of being left alone.

Focus on your empty holes, your disfunction, and try to gain power and control over your own actions

Manon- this is my truth- but it took awhile to see it through the fog. Thank you for putting it so succinctly.

CMK:

My motive is 2 fold:

1. I am alerting her to the real emotional danger he presents to her. He is toying with her emotions. She will discover this soon enough on her own whether I told her or not.

2. I am hoping this makes him mad enough at me to discontinue his end of contact with me. I have already stated that I do not have the strength to stay away at this time. I have frequently told him I wanted no contact and then sent him a text or email which he responded to. I am hoping this time I will be black enough so he won't want anything to do with me.

This should read:  I am alerting her to the real emotional danger he presents to me. He is toying with my emotions. I have already stated that I do not have the strength to stay away at this time. I have frequently told him I wanted no contact and then sent him a text or email which he responded to. apparently she knows about me and is quite jealous of me already. I even told her I totally respect her if she continues to live with him (while I try to stop sleeping with him) If she loves him, it is her choice. (as it was mine)  I told her I did this to let her know I exist. I EXIST (with him.)

RE-read the post. I wasn't cheating on anyone. I am not in a relationship with anyone. HE is cheating not me. I continued to sleep with a man I loved even after he started a relationship with someone else.

His compulsion only verifies that he either doesn't know how to manage his relationships, especially regarding the circumstances, when he began “dating” someone else when he was supposedly in love with you- OR he’s a personality disordered malignant narcissist who doesn’t care about either one of you and is just using you both.  You will never get closure from a crazy person. You will never get LOVE. You will never get safety and honesty. So, the thing to do is to devalue and discard your desires for your abuse and terminate the relationship (known as interaction, not relationship) by yourself. With your own power. Treat it like an addiction from here on out.

Please go back and re-read what I have written and the comments of the others.

I have. I also know that it's faster to touch a hot stove than to read a book on how not to get burned.- so if this was your intention- it may have done the trick. Only time will tell.  Most of the posters that have lived the same experience that you are having now had an experience where leaving the outcome to a character disordered person doesn't do the trick. Hopefully, it will be easier to accept the truth coming from others who have been here -than from a therapist.

Do not expect character disordered people to close the door for you. Character disordered people need you to help them offset their crazy making behaviors. The realization that you have the power will only come from within AFTER he's gone from your life.  Closure is an action word - you take the action by closing the door and ignoring any deep longing for more abuse. I fear that with this email, you've only awakened another person's wrath and added on more stress. A few days camping wont change the work you need to do when you return, but I hope this is the beginning of a new CMK.

[cmk]

Update... .

I am back from camping. ExBPDbf called me for the first 2 days. I didn't answer. On day 2 he text me and said "never contact him or mess with his life again." I text back a very brief statement that I "had no intention of contacting him ever again."

That was about 6 days ago. So, I have been 6 days with NC.

It was easy while camping with spotty phone and internet connection. Now the real work will start. I am back in the city. I plan to stick with the NC. I am trying my very hardest. This is the longest we have gone with out contact in over 2 yrs. I am trying to keep my mind occupied. I hope I have the strength to do it. Any tips?

[cmk]

How do I keep strong to the NC?