The Restraining Order

[whattheheck]

was with the girl for ~6 years.  after no contact for 9 months, and her constant harassment and slandering of my name through facebook i went through the restraining order process.  getting a temporary restraining order was difficult, but with a good affadavit and luck it got sent through.

today was my second court date... .i waited for 3hrs in the same room as her and her mother.  it was the first time i had seen them, my heart began to race and i became so nervous.  the judge was very strict and at times he was a bit offensive... as I read my 'proposal' he stopped me and said 'you are studying at a higher education level since you are in med school, did you read what is relevant to this case?' and then when i said she was bipolar which she stated she was diagnosed with in several emails he asked if I was a psychologist, i replied no, and he said well then dont give an expert opinion.  anyways, my proposal did not go smoothly and felt the judge did not like me from the begining.

she began speaking, she started crying and saying she was diagnosed this year with a 'brain disease'... .hmm, she started medical school, she knows what bipolar disorder is... .but calling it a 'brain disease' idk a bit dramatic.  she began explaining that this took everything from her ect ect and that i was not there for her.  the judge stopped her at about 2 minutes in, and said he needed a recess to go over the 10 single spaced page document she had submitted to the court along with the ~20 pages worth of emails from 2 months she sent me and the few pages she sent to slander my name through facebook. 

We come back in about 1 hr.  he sits down, calls us up.  he begins by saying this is a couple of young adults... .young love.  he said its quite apparent you loved each other.  however, the relationship seemed to go sour, ect ect.  he summarized my statement/side and he summarized her side... .  fortunately, she did not lie about the emails she sent me or the facebook message she wrote about me... .talking about herself and me and our relationship in 3rd person. the judge said he read the message and said only that it said very bad things (ungentleman like things about me).  He than proceeded to say that because of this and other acts from before he would grant a restraining order for 3 years.

he than began talking about a love book from 1975, but i just started to get emotional and choke up... .i then felt tears coming down my cheeks.  7 years later, so much had been done to me, we had been through so much, it was the final ending to a drama novel like no other... .i tried to hold back the tears.  i felt her staring at me from the defendant table... .i looked straight ahead as she watched me break down into tears.   i had 'won' the case but i felt like i 'lost' a love, lost 6 years of my life... .  i dont cry much, and to do it in front of ~50 random people in a courthouse was embarassing and i felt awkward.

anyways, i feel bad for doing this.  i feel bad for her to have this mental condition.  she said in open court she still loves me.  that was so hard to hear... .i just have this emptiness inside and wondering if i did the right thing.  she makes me feel like ive been such a jerk, but the chair of psych department advised i stay away from her when she had a manic episode 1 year ago and ignore her.  its been almost an entire year, i thought this would be easier... .but it was so emotionally draining.  i know this is a step in the right direction... .but i loved her soo much im not sure if i will ever love someone as much as I did for her nor will i be the same after this experience. i wish life had a reset button... .

[2010]

WTH,

What's done is done. Evidently you got what you wanted, in spite of your feeling that the judge didn't like you. IMO, I dont think the judge has time to personalize things- and instead moves through the day with finalizing casework. It's a job. It is what it is. BTW, Most R.O.'s are granted based on presupposition of future harm- so to grant an order means that both parties involved cannot resolve the conflict *without* implied legal boundaries. I'm surprised that you are questioning her diagnosis of bi-polar as a "brain disease." That is exactly what bi-polar is, a brain chemistry imbalance. It is helped with medication- whereas a personality disorder is not.

hmm, she started medical school, she knows what bipolar disorder is... .but calling it a 'brain disease' idk a bit dramatic.

Isn't that drama why you needed a restraining order? And isn't her Brain disease the entire basis for your argument of needing the court's help? I'm not sure why you would now suggest that she's making it bigger than she should in front of the judge. Your entire basis of the R.O. facilitates ownership of her illness.

Are you here on the forum because you don't think she's Bi-polar and has BPD instead?

[whattheheck]

ahh yes sorry.  yes i know she has BPD.  i know for a fact she does and am willing to bet my future career on it.  unfortunately its the SO who know the BPD well enough to diagnose them.  however you can also have co-morbid conditions as well. bipolar is a mood disorder and does involve a brain imbalance of chem... .but im sorry that is crying out "look at me i am a victim"  versus yes i have a disease X

she has BPD, but i also believe she has bipolar due to her manic states. 

Brain diseases to me include tumors, parkinsons, alzeheimers, ect.  psych issues are there own branch, and i have never had a pt with bipolar ever say they had a brain disease. 

the psych issue was the basis, but she some how during the process made me feel really bad for doing this.  i never wanted to do this.

to use a condition to ask for a RO.

[Susan_B]

You would have not had to ask for a restraining order if she had reacted to the breakup as a normal person would. Instead she went so overboard that you felt threatened and felt your reputation was being damaged by her bitter actions. It is not unreasonable to erect boundaries and then defend them. Your Court event was your way of defending and enforcing your boundaries. Please don't beat yourself up for what you felt you had to do.

It is sad and heart breaking when the people we once loved suffer a life of dysfunction. But we don't have to devote our lives to them as enablers or punching bags just because we once made the mistake of getting involved with them. Be grateful that you can cut your losses where you have and NOT HAD ANY CHILDREN WITH HER.  For if you had, you would be playing in a whole different league. Those of us with kids with these dysfunctionals can never go no contact and are always fighting to keep from getting drawn back into their drama and trauma.

As bad as you feel it is, it could have been worse.