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Author Topic: Feeling judged for still having feelings for BPDh  (Read 440 times)
Blythe1976
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Separated from BPDh on August 14, 2010, then re-engaged for a few weeks after that, and finally left for good on September 11. Just trying to get by hour by hour, day by day...
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« on: August 18, 2010, 04:51:48 PM »

I left my husband 4 days ago, and the friends I've reached out to have been mostly supportive and loving and sympathetic. But one friend is getting abit too "tough love" on me with comments like:

-I don't get it. What's left to love about this guy? Why can't you just get over it?

-If you take him back again, I can't keep being here for you every time you do this.

-Hey, it's your own fault if you take him back again.

Even if all these things are true, I feel her delivery is unempathetic, and it makes me not want to confide in her or turn to her for support at all anymore, even though she's a longtime friend.

I don't know yet if I'm strong enough to resist if he starts trying to lure me back, and it makes me afraid to confide in my friend anymore. She doesn't have any idea what it's like to be steamrolled by a pwBPD. She herself is one of those "tough" gals who gets over breakups in a matter of days. But I try to explain to her things like Stockholm Syndrome and traumatic bonding, and she's totally unsympathetic and intolerant of hearing this stuff, telling me I'm "just making excuses to go back to him."

I don't want to go back to him, but each day is a painful struggle. I'm just getting by hour by hour, and everything she says to me has this subtext of, "You're ridiculous."

Is anyone else having this experience?
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seeking balance
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Relationship status: divorced
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« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2010, 05:11:11 PM »

Sorry you are experiencing a "tough love" friend. I had this experience too and it hurts when you are barely able to hold it together and you need kid gloves for a bit.  Nothing about leaving a spouse is easy and then add BPD to it, very few people will get it. Hang in there Blythe1976. 

I had to tell my similar friend last week that I did not have the energy for her being harsh and that if she couldn't understand what this is like, then perhaps she should not be so judgemental on what I am doing.  I reminded her that I am doing the very best that I can in a situation that most are not prepared to handle.  She did apologize and admitted she has no idea what I have been through and would lighten up.
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
Penguinectomy
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« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2010, 05:14:38 PM »

Based on times when I have thought (or even said) similar things, I think that her responses are equal parts ignorance and fear.  She doesn't know what it's like, and she's terrified it could happen to her, so she's making it about a weakness in you rather than about something that could happen to just about anyone.

I know she's a friend, but her limited understanding and empathy right now is not helping you.  If it's possible to not tell her things, that might make a safer space for you.  If she asks why, and you feel comfortable saying so, it's perfectly within your right to say "listen, in every other area you're a good friend to me, but the way you've been responding to what I've been telling you isn't helping me right now, and is causing me a lot of distress.  I think it would be better if you and I just didn't discuss this topic when we're together."

   Four days probably feels both like an eternity and an eyeblink.  Hang in there, and do whatever you need to so that you can be safe and at peace.
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« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2010, 05:20:23 PM »

Excerpt
She herself is one of those "tough" gals who gets over breakups in a matter of days.

She is projecting herself on to your situation. (That's a great example of projection)

The question for you is ~ why you feel the need to address your situation with someone that *you know* is going to respond this way? When emotions run high, tough people can also be very brittle- as their toughness is just a facade for their own insecurities over intimacy and attachment. Looking to these people as confidants when you need a calm shoulder to lean on just adds unnecessary drama and more problems down the road- This sort of person is following their own agenda- not yours- You'll have to deal her problems as well as his, which will lead to the loss of two relationships, not just one, and destroy your chances of a fair resolution for yourself concerning others and having peace in your own mind. Do yourself a favor and cut her off.

If you need a listener, make an appointment for an impartial, independent, private and professional therapist. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2010, 06:00:41 PM »

My mom's bf is the same way -- some of what he has to say is able to help me separate the "normal breakup" stuff from the "whacked-out BPD behaviors", but in the end he has gone through periods of being a womanizer in the past and can be very callous in how he advises you should treat an ex who wants you back, is angry that you left, etc. etc.  But with BPD, the whole thing takes on another surreal level that he can't possibly understand and I'm not sure he could ever feel the inner turmoil I'm going through right now.

My BPDex is still in the duplex we shared with our daughter, and late every night I have to fight the urge to show up at the door and kiss her and tell her I love her and want her back and then... .well... .you get the picture.  But I know what things were like when I left and I can't live the rest of my life wondering if it will get to that point again.  I had to get off the merry-go-round sometime or it would have killed me.

So my point is: I've stopped talking to people about most of the things going on.  I haven't been able to get an appointment with a therapist yet, though I'm trying -- in the meantime, I've turned to this board to throw out the grief and conflict I'm going through and see if anyone has anything to offer in the way of advice.  As someone else posted in another thread, the trauma and bizarre behavior really only happens behind close doors, so anyone who can't (or won't) understand is probably best left to think whatever they want to think about the situation.  I for one have already checked quite a few people off my list of shoulders to cry on.
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runninggal81
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« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2010, 08:25:39 PM »

Does your friend have a lot of experience with long relationships? It's easy to bounce back after a break-up if they are short relationships that weren't too serious, or if it was an understanding that this just wasn't going to work. I found that several of my friends tried to make it so simplistic--when if you are being hurt by someone you love so much, it's impossible to be so simplistic!

Hang in there!   x
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mindful
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Relationship status: physical NC since Summer 2009 ; involved now with someone new
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« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2010, 09:37:29 PM »

Sounds like your friend is bumping up against her own negative feelings about something.  Can you tell her what you need from her?  Or could you ask her if she feels overwhelmed to please let you know?

It does hurt.  Even though I barely mention my x anymore--- if there is a quick reference I have gotten... .EVERYTHING IS ABOUT HER.  And sometimes I feel defensive.  If I stay close to my breathing and stay present and compassionate--- I keep perspective and it just is like any other thing going on... . 

Mindful meditation is real good for intimate conversations. Its hard to stay open when there is so much stress. I have one friend that enjoys a psychological life... .we could talk for hours.  And others... . 
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RealEyes
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« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2010, 01:41:07 AM »

Excerpt
She herself is one of those "tough" gals who gets over breakups in a matter of days.

She is projecting herself on to your situation. (That's a great example of projection)

The question for you is ~ why you feel the need to address your situation with someone that *you know* is going to respond this way? When emotions run high, tough people can also be very brittle- as their toughness is just a facade for their own insecurities over intimacy and attachment. Looking to these people as confidants when you need a calm shoulder to lean on just adds unnecessary drama and more problems down the road- This sort of person is following their own agenda- not yours- You'll have to deal her problems as well as his, which will lead to the loss of two relationships, not just one, and destroy your chances of a fair resolution for yourself concerning others and having peace in your own mind. Do yourself a favor and cut her off.

If you need a listener, make an appointment for an impartial, independent, private and professional therapist. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)



yup! she may be also the type that has learn to hide the pain like a good soldier, internalize it rather than share it so why cant you? it brings her pain to think she might one day break down like you are and tell you what she may be hiding inside all her life that has made her so military on how to deal with being manipulated by a male~ some chicks dont want to hear it if they've become tough warriors against being hurt by a defender they've loved and lost before. they may easily see someone that will mess with their mind as the enemy, so why are your crying since they just defeated them and won their freedom just by internalizing the pain instead after getting away from it but many times they come down with some sort of a serious female disorder that gets them and maybe even you later on, unfortunately... for you, to her, are only bringing her pain she cant handle anymore, dont want to, so it upsets her that you are doing this to her since she actually cares for you n the only manner she can~ you are bringing her too much pain to deal with, that she cant handle anymore herself, by someone she truly loves~

go to a pro!
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SoMuchPain
Formerly KTinLove, NoMorePain
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2010, 02:35:52 AM »

ha, why do u think i come here to talk?

i have to admit, before meeting my first pwBPD, i was a tough love friend to another friend who was dealing with it.  well, she actually managed to bail him out of jail and moved him in with her, so he calmed down for a while and they lived somewhat happily this past year that i have been dealing with my pwBPD ... .but of course, the cracks came through, and he has left her.  this time around, i have been much more of a comfort.  although, when it comes down to it, you cannot fix anyone's situation, and i know for her that time will be the only thing that will heal her pain, and mine as well. 
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