The sex thing

[justwantout]

So, I’ve been on here a while and never posted about this.  Even though this is all wonderfully anonymous it’s still difficult.  Especially with everyone talking about the great sex.  So brief recap, I was married to a man with BPD for 10 years, no contact for about 5 weeks, divorced 3 weeks.  Anyway, I guess in the beginning the sex was good, “normal”, but honestly that was so long ago it just doesn’t factor in anymore.  Majority of the marriage my ex just shut-down sexually, yet he would always put it on me that it was my fault.  If I would do this, that, in the morning, night, whatever, he would want it more, but nothing I did ever mattered.   Did I land the one pwBPD that’s like this?  I wonder too, trauma/abuse is a common thing in pwBPD.  My ex had a horrible childhood, every type of abuse/neglect there is including sexual.  I always wondered how he was as normal as he was, turns out he wasn’t.  It’s sad, but that’s a different story.  Anyway, I guess my point in that I think sexual abuse in men vs women tend to have different effects.  I don’t mean to offend anyone with that, it’s just my observation.  He was always very insecure that way, when we were dating he asked me “size” questions about my ex boyfriends, 10 years later I still got comments on that topic.  It was crazy.  There was always something I “did” that made him feel inferior.  Anyone else experience this?

[Lakme]

Hey justwantout,

This is a great question, I think.  We're very uncomfortable, in Western Culture, talking about two things -- how life begins and how it ends -- i.e. "Sex" and ":)eath".   

It's funny, isn't it?  When looked at that way?

My own experience is a little different from yours, but I wanted to share it fwiw, at least to get the ball rolling.  So to speak. (ahem)

I have a dBPDxh -- we've been divorced for over 14 years now.

The sex, for us, was ~smoking hot~ for the first 4 years or so, then increasingly he began to use sex as a weapon, I suspect because by then he had figured out that physical touch was high on my priority list in a relationship and thus he knew it would be the best way to hurt me.   :'(

If I did this or that to displease him, he would withhold physical affection.  It could be anything -- real or imagined: didn't fold the laundry in the dryer? withhold sex... .imagined I was flirting with a friend of his from work (something I never even REMOTELY came close to doing - I was SO faithful to him!)?  withhold sex... .HE woke up on the wrong side of the bed?  withhold sex

In a sense, you and I suffered from a similar dilemma, though the men in our lives came at it from different angles, but the end result was the same:  it was "all our fault," and the punishment was to withhold sex.

I also experienced sexual deprivation from a man I was engaged to a few years ago (needless to say *that* one never made it down the aisle -- and thank God for it!), but in his case I don't think it was intended to hurt me. I think he was struggling with his sexual orientation... .is probably gay but unready to admit he's gay. (sigh)  I even tried to encourage him to explore that with a therapist but he wouldn't even consider it. Anyway... .all this to say, yeah -- that's the pwBPD's standard MO -- it's not ever their fault... .it's always everyone else's fault.   ;p

I hope it's not inappropriate or hurtful for me to say "Congratulations" to you on your divorce!      I practically skipped down the street from the Courthouse the day I got mine I was so relieved to be shed of my abusive BPDxh!

How are you feeling about it at this point, 3 weeks out?   x

    

[hiddenlizard]

... .then increasingly he began to use sex as a weapon, I suspect because by then he had figured out that physical touch was high on my priority list in a relationship and thus he knew it would be the best way to hurt me. 

To add insult to injury my stbx would stay up late at night with his computer and I would find wads of toilet paper in the morning. When I just ignored my suspicions (did not want to appear prudish) he escalated the issue and made a point of telling me that he was jacking off to internet porn because I was "inaccessible". He knew I found porn to be a major turn-off.

The real sex was okay but it often seemed like he was working too hard for it to be enjoyable. He also made a point of telling me who he fantasized about when he was with me (a former lover of his, I had met her, she stayed at my house for a week... .). Did he think that bit of revelation would make me want to try oh so much harder to be intimate with him or is this just all about hurting someone? This BPD stuff could be funny if it wasn't so painful.

p.s. my divorce will be final just before my 52nd b-day... .CELEBRATION TIME COME ON!

[innerspirit]

X was sexually abused both as a little kid and in late adolescence.  I think he has some serious confusion about which way he is leaning.

He never confronted either abuser (men), but the way he turned it around it towards me was horrific.

Never any questions about size, he just humiliated me when awake, and projected that I was harming him in his sleep.  And it served him better to devalue the connection than to retain any feeling of celebrating something special together.  He said it was like taking out the garbage.

[id-crisis]

Ugh, he's turned sex into a hell of an issue for me. During the first 6 months he'd say I was everything he ever wanted in that way, satisfied him entirely, and he never seemed to get enough of me. In fact he wanted it 24/7 which became a problem. Any time I fell asleep without him being sexually gratified, boy... .would I pay for it!

Then, as he started raging and painting me black, he would say the most awful things to undermine my confidence in this area. The sort of things I'm sure no reasonable person would ever imagine. Yet, at the same time, he would still expect me to "perform" for him as usual. Oh, and it would all be about his enjoyment... .pfff

He was never sexually abused as a child but he did have some weird hang-ups about his body and his sexual preferences ... .which I think I probably helped him overcome as I have (used to have) a very fun outlook on sex which lightened him up a lot. In return he's given me such bad feelings about it, I doubt I'll ever relax in that area enough to have sex again... .at least, that's how I feel right now.

Yeah, I think they'll use anything as a weapon to undermine and hurt you. Sex is one of the best I guess.

[2010]

Did I land the one pwBPD that’s like this?

No. Borderline personality disorder is a series of rewarding and withdrawing behaviors. The easiest way to be "rewarded" is through a sexual encounter, but it fails to offer intimacy for longer than a few hours. Therefore the reward is not as great as one would expect. In Borderline, the larger of the organs (that is, the Brain) offers the greatest chance for intimacy- but it also carries a dual edged sword- the closer to intimacy- the greater the withdrawing response.  Sex is the first offering- for companionship.  A certain type of Borderline Man will marry a Woman or set-up a live-in arrangement to satisfy his dependent, passive needs. He will turn his life over to her in a fantasy that he will re-live and overcome his depression at being unable to take care of himself.

To a Borderline, sex is an obligation, a chore- one that is administered for self-serving principles- to feel valued and worthwhile. There is no self esteem derived in a long term bank- people with BPD are like human buckets with holes in them- the self esteem just drains out. Eventually, they split themselves (as well as others) into failures and seek out new sources of self esteem- other people who reward them for sex or their helplessness. Rescuers.

Generally, the easiest way to be rewarded  is to seduce with sex and repeat the entire bondage process all over again- never to overcome the fear. The acting out of poor self esteem is a repetition compulsion.  Rather than blame themselves for failure to launch- they blame others for withdrawing.  Withdrawing can be as innocent as not talking for a few days.

A Borderline child was rewarded for regressive behavior and abandoned for self assertion and autonomy and a Borderline adult will choose people that appreciate that and undermine their efforts at self actuation. Borderlines need "proof" of being loved by others and are convinced that they cannot go alone without someone to reward them for their perceived value.  Reward and withdrawal come to dominate his entire perception and response to life.  Fantasy projection is used to keep other people close-by. The best thing you can do for him (and yourself) is to allow the separation anxiety to occur and to overwhelm without responding to it as you normally would- this time it may bring him to therapy to seek professional help. I would also hope that you could talk to someone too- the guilt is going to be difficult to get past if you've been married for a length of time.

[deb4321]

Rather than blame themselves for failure to launch- they blame others for withdrawing

Great post, but (up there) LMAO! Mine would stop in the middle of the "act" and tell me he couldnt do it anymore, because my "energy wasnt right" and I was "off" but he never mentioned the fact that during these times we was unable to maintain an erection and would go up and down and up and semi and down... .I am okay with that and know it happens to most guys on occasion, and its no big deal- you do other things and forget about it, right? happens to the best of us. What p'd me off is that he would blame it on me, when I was just trying to shift my mood to accomodate him.

i'd say when he was on it was definitely "porn star" sex, but there was something odd and detached and self serving and violent about it. It was all about him, in other words. Fun, but no depth. And this was from a guy who if you asked him, was the deepest, most spiritualy enlightened guy on the planet. He didn't have the best skills in the world, he was just desperate to prove that he did and to convince me he did. It was so ego-centered, kind of killed it for me (not to mention the BPD projection even during sex... .)

I know the "great in the sack" thing is a common quality/control technique with BPD. Honestly though, I've had sex that was 100 times better with a couple of ex boyfriends that were emotionally healthy and loving. Just as fun, just as passionate, just as creative. and they actually cared about me! and i was actually a human participant. Just saying I do believe it's out there. We dont have to settle for boring sex the rest of our lives if we choose someone who is empotionally stable and healthy.

Just my humble 2 cents

[Lakme]

Yep, deb, there is nothing in this world better than making love with a man who is capable of *real* intimacy.  Sure, there's a time and a place for occasional kink and toys and raunchy porn-star sex -- most men love that and it would be unrealistic to ask them to go without it, IME.

But a healthy, well-rounded man is one who is capable of true intimacy and lovemaking as well.

The kind where... .you're there together, and he's looking into your eyes as you're making love, and his eyes are the window to his soul, and through that window you see... .such tenderness, such genuine devotion and affection... .such openness and vulnerability.  His eyes and his smile say, from his soul to yours:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I truly see you -- all that you are --

And I love what I see,

And I revere the light that is in you

And am so grateful to be this close to you. 

As such, I show my whole self to you in return,

And pray that you, too, love what you see,

And revere the light that is in me,

And feel equally grateful to be this close to me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    That, to me, is HEAVEN!   

We should never allow ourselves to settle for anything less.

      

[Devin78]

When we got together my ex had had twice the number of partners as me. I looked beyond that. Not sure what made the sex good but while we *engaged* in our 3rd encounter she told me she loved me and climbed off of me and made me take her home immediately when i didn't tell her I felt the same. It seemed to be a pattern for the rest of the relationship. She would get bent out of shape over something very minor and to show her love she would just have sex with me then tell me thats all i ever wanted from her because it was soo great. I did make the mistake of telling her she wasn't the best I had ever had. That didn't work out so well for me. It sucks to be honest sometimes with certain people I guess.

[JoannaK]

From the descriptions here, most of us who have/had BPD or NPD partners had little or no rewarding sex in the long run.  Sometimes it stopped in year 1; sometimes in year 3; but it was usually problematic from the earliest days.

[justwantout]

Thanks for the responses.  It helps, I hadn't seen a thread on here that talked about the sex past that initial crazyness, made me feel like I was the only one!  Good to know I'm not, I mean 1 year of good does not make up for 9 bad.   

Its never fails to amaze me how similar the stories can be, mine had an insane amount of partners before me, knowing more about the disorder now helps explain that.  He was totally addicted to porn too, but he would always hide it.  I'm not offended by porn, I would try to talk him into it being something we could do together.  That was a no go.  There are things I would want to do in the bedroom and he'd be like "we can't do that, your my wife" but he would have no problem with it in porn.  No matter what it was no win.

Anyway, to anwer you Lakme on my divorce... .I feel great, I actually did jump up and down at the courthouse like a kid on christmas when they handed me my official divorce decree.  The officer with me laughed and congratulated me, so contrats are good... .thx! And I keep hope that there are men capable of real intimacy... .do they really exist?






I suppose I can just chalk it up to one more stupid thing I put up with from him for way too long. 

[deb4321]

not to veer off subject, but mine was addicted to porn too. i'm open minded, but i tend to think that the "teenager" stuff is pretty creepy for a guy who has sisters younger than the "actresses" in the porn he was watching. It just never sat well with me. Like, what if we had a daughter together. I just think it speaks to inner character.

[justwantout]

deb,

Totally with you on the age thing... .when they are teenage looking it does cross a line, a scary one.  Does make you wonder.

[Lakme]

Totally, deb, on the teenager thing!

My BPDxh was engaging in some super-creepy behavior in the last days of our married life together. Started out with him spying on the teenage girl across the street with binoculars.

When he graduated to a telescope I went over there (when he wasn't around) and told them what he was doing, and to be very wary of him, and to keep blinds closed at all times until he moves out.

When I asked the T what motivated this as he had never displayed an interest in teenage girls before (not even in porn that I had seen), she said, "It speaks to his maturity level -- that's the only kind of fantasy that feels comfortable for him right now because it's the only kind of relationship that doesn't feel threatening.  If he's nearly 40 and the girl he's spying on is 15, then that puts him in control. He has all the power in that relationship. With a woman his age, or even close to his age, he can't be totally in charge."

I just found that to be rather pathetic.  At that point I was not only disgusted, I just lost what little respect I had left for him.  And I thanked GOD we had sons instead of daughters... .

[Empowered]

Sex... .well I have been with uBPDh for 16 years.  At first our sex life was excellent but there were a lot of red flags that I should have seen and didn't.  Issues surrounding masturbation and pornography and not being willing to ejaculate before he had to work out.  Many weird hang ups but since we were having decent sex I guess I just ignored all these things... .hind sight is truly 20/20.  Anyway, he seemed to really respect me only when I was pregnant, but need to say that sex stayed good a while.  Now sex is less than satisfying because it is like everything else in our lives all about him.  He doesn't want to initiate sex because he is afraid of rejection, if I try to initiate sex then he says I am in control of the sex and therefore he won't have sex with me because then it is on my terms.  He complains about not getting sex, not getting enough sex, and says that he needs to find someone to have sex with, but honestly I am at the point where I wish he would.  Every time we do both manage to get on the same page and actually engage in the act, usually when he is mellow, he becomes dysregulated so honestly I have been avoiding sex with him, so we are at about 6 weeks without sex right now.  He doesn't masturbate much but he did the other day and that set him off.  I think that just like everything else with this disorder that symptoms vary but the one thing that you can count on in every aspect of a BPD relationship is that NOTHING is predictable.  Whatever you do, don't blame yourself.  No matter what their issues and insecurities we didn't create them and don't usually have to do anything to get the blame for them.   x

[Lakme]

tired0022,

Just reading the last two lines of what you wrote over and over again... .   

To me, when I read that, the way that translates in my mind is, "Then what on earth would possess someone to continue, of their own free will, to interact with a pwBPD?  What need is being met by subjecting oneself to that degree of unpredictability?  What good can come of staying in the loop with someone who's very nature and way of being dictates they will, almost inevitably, BLAME YOU for things that are not your fault, meanwhile avoiding ALL accountability for things that ARE *their* fault?  Why do so many people sacrifice themselves at the altar of another person's disease, knowing full well that the sacrifice will likely be ignored, if not outright spat upon, because... .well... .that is the nature of the beast?"

I don't understand why anyone, for any reason, would want to maintain contact with a personality disordered individual, let alone maintain any hope of their eventually realizing they have a problem and getting help for it. 

Even when I tell myself, "Well, there are those good moments -- you know, when they're idealizing you and telling you how they need you and love you and can't live without you and don't know where they'd be without you because you and YOU ALONE are the only one who truly understands them and are the only one who can rescue them... ."  And then it occurs to me that even THAT cannot be enjoyed because all THAT is is a manipulation to meet the passing need the pwBPD has to be reassured and comforted. And once they get what they need, you will no longer exist for them, until the next time comes around. UGH -- everything in me shudders at the thought of being roped into that dynamic again and again and again... .

Everything in me just says, "Turn around and do not walk - RUN - in the opposite direction."

Help me understand... .?  I really want to understand -- what is in it for you, or for anyone, to stay in the loop with someone who behaves that way? And who shows such complete disregard for anyone else's needs but their own?  How can their be ANY trust?  Any real vulnerability?  Any sense of safety?

How can there ever be *anything* but a cycle of co-dependency that emerges from such a dynamic?

That's the wall that I've been beating my head against ever since I came here... .   ?

[Empowered]

Lak Me - Thanks for your reply to my post and for your comments.  I have been through several phases of things since coming to this board and have gone round and round with the facts in my own existence as well as through reading the many different perspectives on this site.  One of the things that I have begun to realize is that we are just as dependent on them needing us as they are on being needy and selfish.  I personally am working on those issues as well.  I agree that staying in a relationship like this is unhealthy and a bit insane... .I am sure I will take some flack for saying that. In my particular case, I have some issues that are not commonly addressed on this board.  First my uBPDh is not driven toward suicidal tendencies but homicidal ones.  His thoughts and delusions drift towards injuring others, so there are safety concerns in the fact that I have four children and I need to make sure that when I need I can keep them safe.  Right now it is safer to stay here then to leave, leaving will completely set him off.  Next, when I met my husband he was just getting clean off a serious drug addiction which people would have said was completely impossible but he did it.  He is wounded and unlike others experiences on this board there are times when he completely realizes that he needs help, has BPD and that his thoughts and actions are inappropriate.  He wants to change.  I really am not sure whether he can or not and I am still preparing to leave but helping him to get help will be important to keeping my kids safe and allowing them to have a relationship with their father.  I am no longer buying that this relationship is for me or that things are going to work out but helping him is really something that I want to do if I can because it will benefit all of us during this process.  Our good times are gone and I don't believe that they are coming back.  I think that another component that keeps people in these relationships however is the beating down of the soul.  I truly believe that just like any abused spouse that on some level the people here don't feel that they have the strength to move on, that it is too late for them, or that the abuse has become a comfortable, uncomfortable situation.  Realize that their are tons of people who return to abusive spouses and who stand up for abusive parents in court.  The abuse is paralyzing and familiar.  Can't say for sure about others just some general observations but I hope that I have at least helped you to understand where I write from.  Thanks for posting! x

[Lakme]

Ah.  Well, that helps me understand a little better, tired0022.  It's the cycle of codependency then?

And that would underscore why it's so particularly difficult for ME to grasp.

See... .when my BPDxh threatened to kill me the first time, I waited until he calmed down, and a few days later, when things were good, I told him gently but firmly that I will not tolerate being spoken to or threatened that way by anyone, ever, for any reason -- not even him.  It was abusive, unacceptable, and intolerable to me.  I spelled out the consequences -- if it happens again, these children and I will be gone. End of story.

His response was to dismiss the severity of his offense (abusers are so good at that!), tell me I was making a big deal out of nothing, and grudgingly agree that it would never happen again.

That lasted 2 months.  In between the first threat to kill me and the second, he had transitioned from saying "You're making a big deal out of nothing" to "No one will ever believe you... .and no one will ever find where I bury your body."

So yeah, he was starting to freak me out.  If he was going to kill me I was going to do my level best to make sure someone had proof of his threats.  I bought a small, voice-activated recorder and kept it on and next to me in my purse AT ALL TIMES whenever he was around.

The next time he threatened to kill me, I got it and his entire insane rage on either side of it on that tape, including his waving a gun around -- thank God it was unloaded... .and yelling about the gun. At least he wasn't threatening me with it so much as going on an insane tear about how he was unloading it so I, who had never fired a handgun in my life at that point, would not "kill him in his sleep"?   ?  As I had never threatened him in any way, shape or form, I figured he had to be projecting.   ;p

In any case, I meant what I said and I said what I meant and I was truthful, 100%.  I packed my bags that night and left. He would not allow me to take our boys -- he basically held them hostage, thinking that if I couldn't take them with me that would keep me at home. I left anyway because I felt 99% sure he would not harm them in any way in my absence (and he didn't -- it was a ploy, thank God).  Three days later, when the role of Mr. Mom had become tiresome to him, he dropped them off to me of his own volition at the shelter for battered women where I was living.

Sure, it wasn't the Ritz Carlton.  But I was safe, and my dignity, sanity, and most importantly my self-respect were all intact.  I just cannot imagine having responded any other way to this completely insane and brutal behavior on his part!

His sister once asked me, shortly after all this transpired, "Well... .but... .he'd never *actually* HIT you, right?" (As if I had been overreacting in some histrionic way by leaving him!)

I said, "No, Kay, he hadn't.  Yet. Do you really think I had an obligation to stick around to find out if he actually would have, given that he was threatening to KILL me?"

She had no response to that, especially given that their mother was a victim of truly horrific abuse at the hands of his biological father. 

And she, too, made good her escape as soon as she was able to cobble together an escape plan.  I fail to grasp how what was laudable in her mother was some how a defect in me, just because her brother was the one inflicting the abuse... .

I hope you get out sooner rather than later.  I hear that you care about him so much.  I hope your expectations about what kind of father he might be post-divorce are realistically set.  I know you want what's best for your kids -- just as I did for mine.  Just keep in mind... .if my experience is any indicator, he may suck even worse as a divorced father than he does as a married one... .it's just that the suckage takes on a somewhat different form.   ;p      

Thank you for taking time to respond so thoughtfully, tired0022.

      

[Empowered]

Wow thank you Lakme - you are truly an inspiration and have given me some helpful tips that I will put to good use.  Yeah, unfortunately I do love him but not enough to sacrifice myself any longer.  I am getting stronger and I am really grateful to you for sharing your story with me.  I think you are absolutely right, just like with everything else he thinks that he is more than capable of being a single dad but he is barely a decent married one.  Over inflated ego usually leads to no follow through and the tape recorder is also an excellent idea.  I do appreciate your story and the thoughts about what type of parent he can be in the future.  I have noticed that in the moments where I am committed to leaving in between the moments of fog I feel much better, my body is fighting the idea of staying now and the only peace I have is planning my escape.  Your strength is inspirational and your advice priceless.     Really can't tell you how much I have appreciated this exchange.  Thanks for everything! x

[deb4321]

Gosh girls, this has become a very insightful thread! Thank you so much for sharing! Mine was a little more subtle with his physical violence. He was as verbally/emotionally abusive as they come, but never threatened to hurt me physically. The thing he did do was try to smother me with a pillow twice. Once was last October. We had spent the day with some friends touring wineries and at one point he said something really mean. I did not want to make issue of it, so I just blew it off and was probably less engaging than normal. I started hanging out with some of the other people on the trip. He could not stand to not be the center of my universe ever, so he went into a silent rage. When we got home, he flew into a huge rage where he yelled at me and abused me for hours as I sat on the bed crying. Then he went into the I need you game. Then he asked me sweetly if he could "make love" to me and I reluctantly said yes because this was probably the second time I'd seen him rage and i just wanted to comply with whatever to make it stop. But no, he wasnt done. After that, he started wrestling with me "playfully" and i did not like it. he put a pillow over my face until i was gasping for air. I broke free and told him "I don't like it when you do that, I can't breathe" with tears streaming down my face. He told me I was a poor sport and started in on another rage which lasted another couple of hours, and ended with him sitting on my front porch saying he wanted to take the entire bottle of vicodin he had in his hands. Somehow i calmed him down and that particular rage was over.


The second time was when I told him i was unhappy and things were not working out. he needed to stay at my house for a week before he could move back in with his mother. oddly, he didnt act needy and freak out on me more than maybe 3-4 times during this week. Later i found out it was because he had already met someone new and was seeing her behind my back. he did; however, ask me to reconsider staying with him because "what we have is so amazing and perfect 99% of the time" (BS!) but i stuck to my guns. so one morning i woke up gasping for air again, and it was like waking up to a nightmare. i got the pillow off my face and muttered something about feeling like i couldnt breathe. it was then that i opened my eyes and saw him sitting on my side of the bed next to where i was laying. its like he put the pillow over my face, pressed and then let up a little after he knew i was coming to consciousness. TOTALLLY CREEPY!

So this time, our 7th breakup i believe, i have blocked his # for calls/texts, blocked his email to all of my accounts (personal and work) as well as on Facebook, and rekeyed my entire house. I fear either retaliation or him trying to show up in my life after this fling with the 24 yr-old bartender implodes (which i am certain it will- I feel so sorry for the poor little thing!). I am actually condideering getting a restraining order to protect myself. Of course he would deny everything and try to paint me as the crazy one, and unlike you I wasn't smart/organized enough to tape any of his rages. (I did, however, have a keylogger installed on my own laptop because he had cheated on me so many times in the past and I was just so afraid to trust him, i know, not proud that i was driven to that but it was all i could think of to keep my sanity at the time- so if i go with the RO i am afraid that may blow up in my face, although i am pretty sure since it was my own computer i did not do anything illegal) I just have my story and the dates they occured on- so i am not even sure i could get one, but i do not want this guy to ever set foot on my property again, that is for sure. Gosh, maybe this is another thread in and of itself. It just seems like you may know someting about RO's and if you have any insight I would love to hear it (even personal email here). Anyway sorry for the rant

[Bdawn]

Hey justwantout, I'm late to this thread but I wanted to respond because your experience sounds so much like mine.

When my ex and I first started dating I was hugely physically attracted to him and I felt that he was very attracted to me too. Our chemistry was over the top. We didn't sleep together for a while but I knew early on that we were going to sleep together and I was expecting it to be fantastic due to the intense attraction we had for each other. Boy was I surprised! Over time it got better partly due to him being able to last longer and me learning how to reach orgasm quickly. There were a few years there where I thought our sex life was quite good. There were always the problems of it being to fast sometimes and other times there would be erection problems, but we made love often and there was a lot passion in it so I figured it was good, although not fantastic. I think the passion in our sex was fueled a lot by the on/off nature of our relationship. Then I moved in with him. For the first six months fairly regular normal sex, then it slowly started to wane. My second year living with him much less sex with much less passion. I always figured that he had a lower sex drive then me but then I noticed his sex drive wasn't so much the problem. He seemed to have a preference for masturbation. Sometimes we would be weeks without intimacy but he would be using online porn for his satisfaction. The porn was very tame, mostly just pictures of naked women.

Anyways by the time I moved out sex had dwindled to almost nothing and this was another thing that he blamed on me although I was always willing and he was usually the one not interested. He was also abused as a child in every way including sexually and he told me that sex was always a struggle for him. He didn't really like being touched in sexual ways. I certainly didn't leave over a lack of sex, but now looking back I realize that it really did hurt to be in a relationship with someone that didn't want me sexually. I'm sure had I stayed, sex would have become non existant at some point. I really felt like he was turning me into some kind of parent figure while he was the angry rebellious child. I couldn't stand that, I had no interest in being his mean mommy.

[RealEyes]

I did make the mistake of telling her she wasn't the best I had ever had. That didn't work out so well for me. It sucks to be honest sometimes with certain people I guess.

[strongbutwobbly]

I am glad to read about this on here!

It seems so much is about BPD women.!

My BPDh was pretty weird in the bedroom but i kind of thought it was just a phase and went along with it. He also had erection problems which he blamed on his meds for pain (yeh could be true) we had intense physical attraction for ages too... .anyway in the long run our sex went on for hours - I mean hours! I was loving it but to be honest i did trun a blind ear to a lot of the stuff me hade me do or say. Basically he liked me to describe myself being raped by gangs of men and got off on the feelings it gave him. He told me he couldnt get it up because he didnt feel anything, his emotions are numbed so to feel anything he had to have an extreme situation vocalised for him to be able to feel anything. I went along with it for a while as it didnt really bother me as long as he was happy right - but then an ex of mine who i am friends with told me how sick it was and that my BPDh must be pretty messed up in the head. ... then i realised we had never had loving romantic sex, always had to have the rape scenario in there, he never once made love to me. 

sad really, he doesnt know what he is missing!

[Empowered]

Hey Deb, thanks for sharing.  I agree that I benefited a lot from this exchange with Lakme and that I would love to see more of her posts, she has a lot of good information to offer... .what a great person to talk to! Anyway, it sounds like just like the rest of us you did face very real threats for your safety as well and I applaud you for getting out.  There is a board that deals with legal issues on here L3 and that is where I would try posting information about RO.  Personally I don't know much about RO's although I am pretty sure that Lakme knows about this subject.  Thanks again for sharing... .x