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Author Topic: Why is the sex so good?  (Read 4483 times)
marcelle
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« on: October 03, 2010, 01:29:05 AM »

It's interesting to me how many of us say have amazing the sex was.  Why is that?  How could something so intimate be so incredible (in my case, the best I've ever experienced) with these otherwise empty people?
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Benny
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« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2010, 06:48:42 AM »

This has been discussed many times on the boards and the conclusions vary.

For me its basic,most,not all,BPD's passion and sexual intensity comes from their own emotional intensity because during sex they are getting what they want,acceptance,love,validation and in most cases control.

They dont make love,they have sex and are mostly disconnected from any emotion towards you because any emotion they feel is about them and how good the sex makes them feel,its not about you.

For us it feels great because we make the mistake of thinking that they feel the same way about us as we do for them,they dont.

Unless a lover is hopeless in bed the BPD will react in the same way they did/do with us,thats why so many of them can either easily go back to an ex lover or just as easily hook a new one,sex is a very powerfull thing and they know it.

John Lennon once said''you can have sex without love but not love without sex'',interesting.
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« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2010, 07:46:59 AM »

Marcelle, if you are a woman, you may find this article (written 10 years ago by Roger Melton) interesting about Borderline Males:

"Sex will be like a rocket ride on the Oblivion Express. Anyone who can be so instinctually tuned in to reading your needs and manipulating them can also pinpoint your g-spot with the fine-tuned skill of a Swiss jeweler cleaving a diamond. It will seem wonderful - for a while.  The intensity of his erotic passion can sweep you away like a strange destiny on the blue sea of august, but his motive for lusting upon you is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of his disorder. Intensity is his trump-card. But the other side of him is driven by an equally concentrated need to control you. The sexual pyrotechnics, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you."

www.obgyn.net/young-woman/young-woman.asp?page=/young-woman/articles/Romeopart5

www.obgyn.net/young-woman/young-woman.asp?page=/young-woman/articles/Romeopart6

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marcelle
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« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2010, 07:54:27 AM »

Thanks for the responses, both very true!
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« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2010, 09:09:17 AM »

Marcelle I love the question Smiling (click to insert in post)

For me the sex was amazing and yes very loving. He was so affectionate. kissing me all over my face and touching me so tenderly. Cradling me in his arms with such affection. He would even be affectionate when we werent having sex. stroking and kissing my face while we slept. Maybe mine was just an affectionate type, not sure. But when it came to the physical he was very gentle and expressive. ,never cold in terms of affection. He always said sex was never like it was with me with anyone he had been with. That it was " the best" Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  so Ill take that and believe the good in it. It was the best for me also. With the act itself he could be selfish at times and just lay there and get spoiled but I would remind him " hey I am here" and he would do whatever I wanted or needed. So I got used to just having to knudge him out of his pleasure zone at times. He would just smile and do what I asked. oh wow now i am going to start missin the sex  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  im joking , not at all. for me sex was part of how I felt about him and ive ended it so the sex thoughts haveto go too . Maybe the sex is so good cause sex can be comforting as well as exciting. Might be a time where a BPD feels soothed by sex.
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El Greco
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« Reply #5 on: October 03, 2010, 10:02:33 AM »

With me the sex was even that good, I loved her so it made me feel as if it was, but I have had better, way better.

In her case it's the wall she has, she cannot open up at all and you feel it when you make love, the breaks are on.

It's like she's just going through the motions, feels trying to play beautiful tennis with a baseball.

This was early in the beginning so I thought with some work, as I have before, we would get there, but than she asked me if I was satisfied sexually.

So I wanted to be honest and said no, but that we could work on that, discover each other.

I never forget the look on her face, it was like the world ended.

Right after that conversation she grabbed another guy and just had to let me know he made her come 10 times, that she met the love of her life and finally felt free sexually.

She was in my bed a few weeks later.

Hmm, as I write all of this down here on this site, one experience after another I realize how crazy it was... .

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Rebecca_2010
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« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2010, 10:32:09 AM »

Marcelle,

I have pondered this question also.  Glad you brought it up.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   I mostly have to agree with Benny.  I think that because they are so into it for their needs, it's wild and wonderful to be the one involved, because how could you not feel it's about you?  That it's you turning them on that much!  x  Certainly filled my inner needs!  I found that over time though, even though I felt so important and connected in the moment, the moment it was over, his mind ( and him) were immediately onto something else.  There was none of the snuggling or pillow talk or even just laying there in each other's arms exhausted... .just "boop, up and out of bed and lets mow the lawn"?      I think towards the end, one big AH HAH moment is when he had been basically ignoring me for weeks.  I would bring up sex, put on one of the many sexy outfits he bought for me, but it was like he completely had no interest. That of course over a few weeks caused tension which caused fights which of course were my fault and then the reason there was no sex.     One Sunday, ( he always took naps), he was napping, I always stayed as quiet as possible.  I was sitting on the floor in the bathroom painting my toes and heard him get up.  He walked in front of me and asked me what I was doing and I just said "doing my toes"... he said "wanna do me"?  I just remember looking at him like "not really"!  but bottom line, it hit me in that moment, it was always all about him, i was just one of the vehicles he used to fulfill his needs.     I also discovered in the weeks he had been ignoring me, he had saved porn sites to our favorites, found new magazines and toys he bought to use on him self.  It didn't take long after that whole episode before the walls came crumbling down, I was of no further use to him.  I think that is also one of the reasons it hurts so much, they really did make us feel loved... .because that is what we equate, love, to them we are just a device.
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« Reply #7 on: October 03, 2010, 11:20:08 AM »

marcelle, the question I have for you... .and this is a question really for all to ponder including myself... is the sex that good or is it because she told you things like "you are the best lover I ever had" or "I never had more than one orgasm until I met you" and so on? They put you on a pedestal and make you feel like Superman in bed, but when you get past that and break it down, was it that good?

I think for me it was the frequency and the enticement (come home for lunch and I'll be your meal kind of a thing). She was also a dream girl as far as looks and body. Of course she said all those things that make a man feel like a stud. But, my college gf and I had better sex... .it was more give and take. Another gf I had was more adventurous. The sex early on with my uBPDw was really good, no doubt, but not the best I've ever had.
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Rebecca_2010
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« Reply #8 on: October 03, 2010, 11:36:05 AM »

With mine, the gratification was all for him.  He would always ask if HE made me have more than one?  Some times I felt like he was makeing love to him self and didn't even have one.  Other times, if I felt there was love there and I was being included, then they physical aspects were all there.  He spoke in general terms about what would get him off, not how beautiful i was or that it was being with me that was doing it for him.  He got off watching him self in the mirror.  I think it was more in the beginning, when he did put me on the pedistal, after comeing from a 22year sex less marriage it was the best.  The longer I was with my EX BPD, the more it was apparent it was all about him.  So yea, that's a good question... .was the sex REALLY that good?
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« Reply #9 on: October 03, 2010, 02:06:43 PM »

It's interesting to me how many of us say have amazing the sex was.  Why is that?  How could something so intimate be so incredible (in my case, the best I've ever experienced) with these otherwise empty people?

BPD Males

"Casanova may be parsimonious in bed, or very generous--but your orgasm is His--not yours. He's so darned busy pleasing you, he's a spectator who's not engaged in the game. The most pleasure he can take for himself, is thinking he'll stand out among all other lovers, who will pale against your memory of him. His narcissism is profound, to say the least. The sex may be great, but it could be the only part of this deal that is.

In a committed relationship, his determination to please you wanes--unless he can keep seducing you, when your attention is diverted by something, or someone else. The borderline male kicks into high gear to win you over, only if there's threat of losing you. His grandiose ego can't tolerate competition, yet he thrives on it. The 'seduction phase' feels activating and heady--and (like all addictions) floods him with sensations of aliveness. He literally lives for these episodes, because he feels empty and dead inside, without them."
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« Reply #10 on: October 03, 2010, 03:00:41 PM »

The sex is so good for me with him bc being a Vegan, the only meat i can enjoy is living, laughing, lovable man meat and his is the sweetest by far i've had... .the texture of his skin, the taste of it, the scent of him, the size and look of his strong hands and what nots  ;p  really turn me on, the way he speaks and handles my breast, my body unlike any lover before him. He actually makes love not f@cks me like some of my Xs seem to only be able to, and when he's ready to do it that way he ask me for permission to, yeah... .thats perfect for me...  ;p  Even thou he's much taller than me, something i really love too,, our bodies are similar in built, very slim at our waist and hipline and long legs, something he mentions about mine all the time at a certain moment, oh yeah, and his weight is just right, he doesn't suffocate me never while we are engaging in that great missionary manner? He also noticed i've gained a few pounds lately, something i happy about now too, most wouldn't have said anything about such a gain in my weight but he wanted me a lil more meatier with my very lean (he said i was too skinny) muscle mass. Now i am and having fun putting it on for the winter months. He can use some more muscle mass again but couldn't work-out at our gym while the RO i had on him was still on, now its off but we are back on, yup, u read that right.

His kisses are the best ever, the taste of his mouth, his breath, the sounds me makes while we kiss, for none of my Xs could kiss the way he does, none of them even my X Italian from Torino, Italy couldn't, for he tried but it was one of the worst efforts ever. He now listens to what turns me on and acts upon it, that really matters to me and doesn't focus on when am i getting my multiple Os like many Xs have annoying done in the past. He and i both become very giddy while enjoying each other, he like a boy and i like a girl, then he becomes this MAN that knows how to control me, touch me, rock me, lead me, it goes on and on until we are exhausted, and now that we are back at it, he's more affectionate afterwards but the next day he still says "i'm not feeling well, maybe later... ." in a text when im wanting it again.  He also makes sure we always use a condom for intercourse, that REALLY matters to me, i so respect him for staying on top of that with me. Not sure how long this'll last but for now i'm enjoying it without expecting the world from him or a full r/s with him. I do know when he's in his raging, negative, down on life or maybe needing some other form of cellular stimuli (the net) mood he stays away from me and that works too for me. As long as we dont live together, i will have fun with what he has to offer when it comes to having sex with him.
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lifeisgoodx10
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« Reply #11 on: October 03, 2010, 03:53:09 PM »

Excerpt
With mine, the gratification was all for him.  He would always ask if HE made me have more than one?  Some times I felt like he was makeing love to him self and didn't even have one.  Other times, if I felt there was love there and I was being included, then they physical aspects were all there.

Me too Rebecca, The gratification was for him. I love where you said, “It felt like he was making love to himself and didn’t even have one.” This happened with xhBPD often. He prided himself in being able to rise to the occasion several times in one evening or day. He seemed to think that all love making was, is how long he could go. It was ridiculous. Just getting up for the sake of getting up. He definitely had something to prove to himself. He is not a good lover in my book. He’s completely selfish and very seldom included me as it seemed he may have been fantasizing. But I loved him so denied my own needs for him. There were times (often) when we would be lying watching tv after making love. The want-to was way past and he would take my hand and just put in on him. I’d remove it and he would take my hand again and put it on him. This would go on until I got him ready again and then he’d make love to himself again! He did not have one and I told him before he started that I would not have one. So can you tell me, what was the point?  ? It wasn’t enjoyable at all for me and I thought I was being the dutiful wife by never denying him. This speaks of addiction to me. Any thoughts? 
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David Dare
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« Reply #12 on: October 03, 2010, 05:22:37 PM »

This has been discussed many times on the boards and the conclusions vary.

For me its basic,most,not all,BPD's passion and sexual intensity comes from their own emotional intensity because during sex they are getting what they want,acceptance,love,validation and in most cases control.

They dont make love,they have sex and are mostly disconnected from any emotion towards you because any emotion they feel is about them and how good the sex makes them feel,its not about you.

For us it feels great because we make the mistake of thinking that they feel the same way about us as we do for them,they dont.

Unless a lover is hopeless in bed the BPD will react in the same way they did/do with us,thats why so many of them can either easily go back to an ex lover or just as easily hook a new one,sex is a very powerfull thing and they know it.

John Lennon once said''you can have sex without love but not love without sex'',interesting.

You nailed it, Benny. 

I remember the first time she brought me home.  She was going wild in bed, but it was very one-sided.  I felt like a spectator, and probably shouldn't have been participating, because I wanted something deeper in the developing relationship (oh, how hard it is to say no!) 

For me, the sex was pretty good, but when she would say, "That was the best I ever had", I would question it.  And there would be moments when I could just tell that something was up, like it was preplanned.  Sometimes it seemed robotic, like she was going through the motions... .  to please me or her, I do not know (... .her!).  There were a couple of time when I almost Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) because it seemed fake. 
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fragmented

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« Reply #13 on: October 03, 2010, 09:58:06 PM »

Wow, thanks for all of the responses. This is eye-opening for sure.

Reflecting back on some of the responses, to think of things, she told me that I was the best ever. I also caught in an email to her other guy that she had a fling with that said more or less the same thing. I don't think with her that there was such a thing as an objective truth. Truth is a tool of manipulation to her.

I'm reeling right now to thinking that the one thing that I *thought* we had a good connection on, might have been a complete farce after all. I'm not quite so sure how to process that... .
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« Reply #14 on: October 04, 2010, 12:47:25 AM »

marcelle, the question I have for you... .and this is a question really for all to ponder including myself... is the sex that good or is it because she told you things like "you are the best lover I ever had" or "I never had more than one orgasm until I met you" and so on? They put you on a pedestal and make you feel like Superman in bed, but when you get past that and break it down, was it that good?

I am simply amazed reading these posts. I am a new forum poster and have recently been dumped again by a BPD'er. This post really rings true it's almost as though you are quoting mine verbatim.
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Zero_Gravity
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« Reply #15 on: October 04, 2010, 02:06:39 AM »

Yes "SEX" only! was amazing in my case too.

Another proof of; how disfuncional their thinking or feelings are

and funny enough:

They say

"That was the best sex I ever had",

to all of their victims.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Zero
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Benny
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« Reply #16 on: October 04, 2010, 02:31:14 AM »

Yes,as I said unless the new lover is hopeless in bed,for whatever reasons,the pwBPD will react sexually with a new lover in very much the same way they did with you so dont make the mistake of thinking that the sex between you was something really special for them,it wasnt,isnt and never will be.

I know thats a really tough thing to accept but the quicker you do the better because for many of us the so called amazing sex is what often makes us ruminate or reengage,bad move indeed.

For them its all about them and they really dont care about you,its all about control,power and their pleasure.
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« Reply #17 on: October 04, 2010, 05:43:19 AM »

Yes I like Benny's posts... .hit the nail spot on... .sex is yet just another tool for them!   
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Rebecca_2010
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« Reply #18 on: October 04, 2010, 08:51:12 AM »

I'm so glad this question was posted and especially thanks to BENNY for such right on insight!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   I think it is an important issue because when you get down to it, when we finally decide to give this part of our self's to some one, we are emotionally committed, ( I am at least ), so with the emotional committment, then what you think is amazing sex/love makeing and it is all focused on you and what your doing together, that your perfect together and doubt you will ever find a "connection" like this again.    So when we are knocked off the pedistal, and basically treated the exact oposite, how can you not take it personally?  ?  Then it's almost like some form of punishment that rubs salt into the wound.  By the time the relationship has ended, this haveing greatly effected you, but the rages and name calling, finger pointing, everything is your fault and your crazy, how can you not walk away feeling like the scum of the earth?    It's enough to merrit some counseling that's for sure!    As i read these posts to this topic, there were many red flags I could not have seen until now.Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)   I had mentioned in a reply how as time went on, I felt like he was makeing love to him self and I wasn't even in the room, just my body for his use and fantacy words, which had nothing to do with me or us, they were about how other people were involved and touching and praising him and his "size".  He from the beginning also wanted continued re enforcement about what i thought of his man part,  and I aslo found e mails to past girl friends asking the same. ( some one posted on this as well)... .This all makes me feel much better and not so damn pathetic as he would have me believe in the end as he goes on to conquer and amaze the next one(s).
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« Reply #19 on: October 04, 2010, 11:13:33 AM »

Well, I'm sure glad I asked this question, the responses have been varied and helpful.  For my own part the sex was great; frequent, varied, passionate and without any 'hang-ups'.  By that I mean, it remained playful enough for us both to express any desires/fantasies we might have.  However, I will say this, my ex was totally obsessed with sex.  The longer we were together, the more this became apparent.  Now, I'm no prude, too long in the tooth for that, but if we weren't having sex, he was always watching porn (male & female) or getting himself off (am I allowed to say that?) or sending me pics of himself etc (which he wanted me to do back, but I didn't, thank god!).  That should have been a red flag in itself, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), I mean I know guys love sex more than we girls (or so they say... .), but come on!  As time went on I also realized that he was starting to like some 'domination' type things more & more frequently.  Again, don't get me wrong, I'm open to all things if it feels good and safe, but there were times that I did feel more of an object than an actual person.  He would never do anything that I wasn't happy with, but still, we get a sense about these things deep down I think.  He was also obsessed with his c#@k; but maybe all men are, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).  Saying all that, for me personally, sex + love is a package, so that's why it felt good to me; I probably felt the same way when I fell in love the first time many years ago, but just too old to remember now, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).  Btw, he said all the same things to me too, e.g 'the best sex I ever had', 'the best this, the best that'... .all lies no doubt, and said in order for me to say 'ditto'; but felt nice at the time.  Anyway, I am quite confident I'll get some more in the future, and he's not taking that away from me ever... .LOL
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« Reply #20 on: October 04, 2010, 11:23:00 AM »

I too appreciated the "open ness" tha I felt we expressed.  I'm no pride either and found this liberating and refreshing.  But also, like you said, you get a sense of things.  Mine also became more and more interested in watching porn and getting him self off than the actual act of touching a live human, me, and mine was also obsessed with his C _ _ _.  If he wasn't asking for confirmation of it's beauty, he would flat out just start taking about it like "I don't need your approval, I KNOW I'm God's gift".  I truely believe he got more pleasure out of his own hand and rubber toys than he and I.  Things were wonderful until his fantacies progressed to actually wanting to live them out in real life ( swingers clubs, recruiting a male and femals to be with us) and i drew the line at that point.  That's when our fantacies stopped and he searched out on his own.  I will never kick my self for having the virtue to maintain fantacies are just that, and can certainly add a lot to a sex life exclusive with your partner, but I was't willing to share or let any one else touch me. That turned out to be a turn off for him. As soon as I disagreed, he was onto something and some one else.
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« Reply #21 on: October 04, 2010, 12:17:35 PM »

Hello,

I must have a totally different type of BPD boyfriend, because he cant do enough to please me and always wants to know if i'm enjoying myself, often using toys and just pleasuring me without me having to return the favour! We have amazing sex, and it's def the best that i've ever had... .he's really brought me out of my-self and took me to a load of whole new levels and explorations that I never even knew I had in me! I love him so much and I know he feels the same! He tells me all the time and he's so, so affectionate, and not just during sex either!

My happiness in general is really important to him... .if i'm sad, then he's sad, if i'm happy, then so is he! The same applies during sex... .He wants me to be satified!

Don't get me wrong, he certainly has the typical BPD moments, quite often, but we are so good at communicating and talking and this goes for the sex too! We are so open about want we both want and like and our needs and we both please each other. He won't do anything I dont want to do. I feel really lucky compared to some of the other's that have replied to this post! I wouldn't change my BPD boyfriend for the world!
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« Reply #22 on: October 04, 2010, 01:20:00 PM »

These kinds of threads always disturb me, and they do come up every week or two or three.  Especially on the Leaving board, they seem a bit out of place:  If you are posting here, you have either broken up with or are intending to break up with someone with BPD.  Does it really help the process to fantasize and recall what it was about the person that engaged you sexually?

And these kinds of posts often ignore one thing:  Most people who have been with the pwBPD any length of time report little or no sex unless the pwBPD is in long-term recovery.  For BPD is a disorder of intimacy... .  As the relationship becomes more intimate, the fear of intimacy rears up and the sex often stops.  You may think that you are having intimate sex, but it isn't as intimate as emotional intimacy. If you do get closer emotionally, the pwBPD starts to feel engulfed and either exits stage right or pull back emotionally and/or sexually. 

Few people who break up with someone with BPD after a longer-term relationship report continuing to have any sex... .The sex is long gone by that time... .unless the pwBPD wants to get together again... .at which time he/she pulls out all of the stops to again engage the non.

The sex may seem good because he/she holds it on a string:  When the pwBPD is angry or pouting, no sex.  When he/she is no longer angry, then things are "hot" again... .and the non has no control other than to fantasize about the great sex during the dry times.
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« Reply #23 on: December 15, 2010, 05:02:32 PM »

First, I'd like to clarify I wasn't endorsing those kinds of threads as much as trying to get to the heart of the matter.  I think you really nailed it when you said:

Most people who have been with the pwBPD any length of time report little or no sex unless the pwBPD is in long-term recovery.  For BPD is a disorder of intimacy... .  As the relationship becomes more intimate, the fear of intimacy rears up and the sex often stops.  You may think that you are having intimate sex, but it isn't as intimate as emotional intimacy. If you do get closer emotionally, the pwBPD starts to feel engulfed and either exits stage right or pull back emotionally and/or sexually. 

I think what I was thinking of is how the sex remains, but the emotional part disappears.  It's something I'm dealing with myself in a major way.  I'm not saying that this emotionless sex is a good thing, but we need to recognize it as what it is.  Besides, how can you know if someone is in recovery if you don't know when they're doing badly in the first place. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #24 on: December 15, 2010, 05:15:20 PM »

And these kinds of posts often ignore one thing:  Most people who have been with the pwBPD any length of time report little or no sex unless the pwBPD is in long-term recovery.  For BPD is a disorder of intimacy... . As the relationship becomes more intimate, the fear of intimacy rears up and the sex often stops.  You may think that you are having intimate sex, but it isn't as intimate as emotional intimacy. If you do get closer emotionally, the pwBPD starts to feel engulfed and either exits stage right or pull back emotionally and/or sexually.  


I've really appreciated learning about this because to me it was one of the must hurtful parts of the relationship.  I felt horribly rejected and took it very personally.  Felt he must have decided I was unattractive, didn't want me for this reason or that reason or maybe because of his ex.  

Any true intimacy between us after he moved in was very few and far between.   I was devastated.  I thought it would be a time when we would grow more deeply in love, and enjoy each other so much more, yet it just became cold and affection, love, sex were withheld and doled out in sparse portions.  

Having seen this as a phenomenon of BPD, at least it becomes another nuance of the relationship where I can relieve myself of the blame and pain of rejection.  

Gotta admit though... .even when it was at its best, it wasn't very good.  That really wasn't what mattered to me though... .it was the connection, the intimacy I really wanted.  I wanted to be close and loving with him.  He denied us that.  Shame... .he has no idea what he missed out on. 
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« Reply #25 on: December 15, 2010, 05:50:49 PM »

All this is spot on everyone... .my stbxBPDw was magnificent in bed... .she truly was the best I ever had... .and of course, she said the same about me... .but I remember seeing an email she sent to her ex that said everything that she had said to me... .how special does that make one feel?

I think there are several reasons why the pwBPD are so good in bed... .bear in mind, this is from my perspective, it may be different when the pwBPD is a man:  1)  It is truly total acceptance.  When you have sex with someone, you are giving yourself to another and they are giving themselves to you.  At least during sex, they are not being abandoned.  2)  They know if they can please you and rock your world, there is a lot less likelohood of you leaving them (sick).  Instead of rocking your world because they actually love you, it is more of a self-preservation act.  3)  Sex releases endorphines and other chemicals that may help ease the pain they continually harbor 4)  Sex tends to validate for some people... .it can confirm for them that this is right one so it may bring comfort to their tortured soul that this is the one!  5)  Being needy by default, sex with them means time with them... .it keeps you from seeing your friends, family, or anything else.

I am sure there are many other reasons why pwBPD's are such champions in the sack... .and it is truly sad... .for a whole host of reasons... .the rumination I am struggling with right now is that all too soon (if not already), my ex will be exhibiting her talents for someone else... .and telling them that they are the best she ever had.  I recall how she would describe how bad her previous lovers were and how incredible I was... .so I'm sure the next guy will get to hear how bad I was in bed.

As much as I enjoyed our robust sex life, in the end it wasnt' worth it... .not for me.  I stuck it out as long as I possibly could, but what would I say to my son when he gets older and asks when I am in such a destructive and toxic relationship?  Do I honestly tell him that the main reason why I am staying is for the incredible sex?  What message would I be sending to him?  I fear he'd eventually find a pwBPD woman of his own if that's all I can provide for role-modeling.

The sex is good because for most of them, that's pretty much all they have to offer.  My ex has an incredible body, great face and is far and away the sexiest creature I've ever met... .she knows how to please a man and loves the frequency... .but... .take the sex away and all you've got is a hit_.
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« Reply #26 on: December 15, 2010, 09:10:21 PM »

take the sex away and all you've got is a hit_.

+1
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« Reply #27 on: December 15, 2010, 10:26:51 PM »

I think for me it was four things.  He was honestly just very good in bed-- whatever created his miraculous abilities, I was just amazed.  Secondly, his emotional intensity-- I've never met anyone that was so PRESENT doing sex.  I never felt like he was only concentrating on how he he felt or what was going on for him (well, he started getting lazier near the end, but he still made sure he got me off first, at least once).  Thirdly, he was getting everything he wanted-- love, passion, validation.  Fourth he was controlling me, making sure I'd never want to leave.

The emotions were real and so very intense.  He honestly loved me, and it showed,  Sex was the best way he knew to communicate with me.  He once told me that when he was in bed there was total honesty, the real him.  I believe him.

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« Reply #28 on: December 16, 2010, 06:25:17 AM »

These kinds of threads always disturb me, and they do come up every week or two or three.  Especially on the Leaving board, they seem a bit out of place:  If you are posting here, you have either broken up with or are intending to break up with someone with BPD.  Does it really help the process to fantasize and recall what it was about the person that engaged you sexually?

And these kinds of posts often ignore one thing:  Most people who have been with the pwBPD any length of time report little or no sex unless the pwBPD is in long-term recovery.  For BPD is a disorder of intimacy... .  As the relationship becomes more intimate, the fear of intimacy rears up and the sex often stops.  You may think that you are having intimate sex, but it isn't as intimate as emotional intimacy. If you do get closer emotionally, the pwBPD starts to feel engulfed and either exits stage right or pull back emotionally and/or sexually. 

Few people who break up with someone with BPD after a longer-term relationship report continuing to have any sex... .The sex is long gone by that time... .unless the pwBPD wants to get together again... .at which time he/she pulls out all of the stops to again engage the non.

The sex may seem good because he/she holds it on a string:  When the pwBPD is angry or pouting, no sex.  When he/she is no longer angry, then things are "hot" again... .and the non has no control other than to fantasize about the great sex during the dry times.

Agreed.  The sex had gone downhill significantly within the last 8 months we were together.  Considering we were only together 14 months, it was quite a blow.  I was at a loss and quite disturbed by the change.

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« Reply #29 on: December 16, 2010, 11:00:47 AM »

Sex is the most intimate act we as humans can do with each other, or even alone, mentally ill or not. Someone that has a mental illness like BPD feel their senses more during that time, so that's what they concentrate on more than we Nons that feel our senses on more levels than they aren't able to. They are good at it because they feel it more than some of us who have never felt it like they can during sex.

Maybe we really shouldn't fault them so harshly "hit_" for this inability and their skills too since they seem to not be able to stop it now as a consenting adult with a child's soul unless they find a good job and T to help them, no? So wouldn't it also help us to recognize why we fell for them, why we allowed them to control us this way, than to vengefully fault them for being better at something than we felt we were before we met them?

i know, i sound like a bleeding heart or bloody fool now~~ Damned BPDeres!
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« Reply #30 on: December 16, 2010, 11:17:24 AM »

Marcelle, if you are a woman, you may find this article (written 10 years ago by Roger Melton) interesting about Borderline Males:

The sexual pyrotechnics, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you."

Wow, I read that part of the quote and feel like I got kicked in the stomach.  I never, ever thought of it that way.  Even after all I've learned here, this never occurred to me. 

I'm in the same boat as some ... .the sex is very good and he always wants to please me, but he's a very controlling, jealous, possessive person outside of the bedroom and now it appears that the great sex is just an extension of that.  I guess I shouldn't be shocked at this, but I am.
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« Reply #31 on: December 16, 2010, 12:21:14 PM »

So does all of this mean that 'm not dealing with a BPD ex cause the sex was just so so, and she blamed me for having less of it with her instead of the other way around?

She wanted too, I just didn't at times, it hard be loving in bed after all the fights... .

She did complain about her dropping libido a lot, but blamed me for not wanting any.

Any thoughts?
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« Reply #32 on: December 16, 2010, 01:55:36 PM »

I dunno.  I felt special, sometimes, but the sex was full of drama, oh how it hurt him!  Oh good grief.  He had to be the absolute worst lover I've ever had.  He was very, very concious of his low self image.  He told me that our relationship probably wouldn't work before we even held hands because he was "not a big guy" (if I knew what that meant) and I "was tall" (I'm assuming he meant that it was likely I was built like the Suez Canal), though he was slightly taller than me.

There wasn't any serious physical handicaps, but mentally, emotionally, wow.  What a gong show.  I can't believed I survived it.
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« Reply #33 on: December 16, 2010, 02:06:48 PM »

These kinds of threads always disturb me, and they do come up every week or two or three.  Especially on the Leaving board, they seem a bit out of place:  If you are posting here, you have either broken up with or are intending to break up with someone with BPD.  Does it really help the process to fantasize and recall what it was about the person that engaged you sexually?

And these kinds of posts often ignore one thing:  Most people who have been with the pwBPD any length of time report little or no sex unless the pwBPD is in long-term recovery.  For BPD is a disorder of intimacy... .  As the relationship becomes more intimate, the fear of intimacy rears up and the sex often stops.  You may think that you are having intimate sex, but it isn't as intimate as emotional intimacy. If you do get closer emotionally, the pwBPD starts to feel engulfed and either exits stage right or pull back emotionally and/or sexually. 

Few people who break up with someone with BPD after a longer-term relationship report continuing to have any sex... .The sex is long gone by that time... .unless the pwBPD wants to get together again... .at which time he/she pulls out all of the stops to again engage the non.

The sex may seem good because he/she holds it on a string:  When the pwBPD is angry or pouting, no sex.  When he/she is no longer angry, then things are "hot" again... .and the non has no control other than to fantasize about the great sex during the dry times.

Oh THANK GOD!  I was wondering if I was totally off track.  The sex was terrible, non-existent nearly, he decided he couldn't satisfy me, and it just became about him.  He masturbated constantly.  By the end of it, he wouldn't even touch me.  It was sick!  Thank you moderator, my head was swimming.
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« Reply #34 on: December 16, 2010, 06:11:03 PM »

These kinds of threads always disturb me, and they do come up every week or two or three.  Especially on the Leaving board, they seem a bit out of place:  If you are posting here, you have either broken up with or are intending to break up with someone with BPD.  :)oes it really help the process to fantasize and recall what it was about the person that engaged you sexually?

And these kinds of posts often ignore one thing:  Most people who have been with the pwBPD any length of time report little or no sex unless the pwBPD is in long-term recovery.  For BPD is a disorder of intimacy... . As the relationship becomes more intimate, the fear of intimacy rears up and the sex often stops.  You may think that you are having intimate sex, but it isn't as intimate as emotional intimacy. If you do get closer emotionally, the pwBPD starts to feel engulfed and either exits stage right or pull back emotionally and/or sexually.  

Few people who break up with someone with BPD after a longer-term relationship report continuing to have any sex... .The sex is long gone by that time... .unless the pwBPD wants to get together again... .at which time he/she pulls out all of the stops to again engage the non.

The sex may seem good because he/she holds it on a string:  When the pwBPD is angry or pouting, no sex.  When he/she is no longer angry, then things are "hot" again... .and the non has no control other than to fantasize about the great sex during the dry times.

Oh THANK GOD!  I was wondering if I was totally off track.  The sex was terrible, non-existent nearly, he decided he couldn't satisfy me, and it just became about him.  He masturbated constantly.  By the end of it, he wouldn't even touch me.  It was sick!  Thank you moderator, my head was swimming.

Ya know, this is also good to know bc i was thinking i might look for another BPDere since he has been the best hands down, unlike my sane boring ones could not measure up to! Really, thank you for alerting me they do suck n the worst way, as well, of course.

I can truly see how you felt as thou you were swimming since no one had spoke up about them also being terrible in bed since Jo's post on Oct. 4th? I think its importance to speak up instead of feel like you had for so long, so we all can learn and grow more while or after dealing with PDs.

thank you again 

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« Reply #35 on: December 16, 2010, 11:25:02 PM »

... .and the non has no control other than to fantasize about the great sex during the dry times.

Yeah, this is me. In fact when I have to take care of matters myself, its those sexual experiences with my w that I think about. Sometimes I wonder if this is keeping me addicted to her. Because of religious convictions and morals I wont allow myself to think of anyone else sexually. And I dont have the desire too. I really wonder if I'm totally whacked for life. We have not had sex since divorce announcement by w in Sept. Im seen as a disgusting evil villain. In actuality I'm an attractive and very fit man or so Im told. Its awful to be repelled by someone you loved for 20 yrs and still desire.
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« Reply #36 on: December 17, 2010, 04:26:34 AM »

These kinds of threads always disturb me, and they do come up every week or two or three.  Especially on the Leaving board, they seem a bit out of place:  If you are posting here, you have either broken up with or are intending to break up with someone with BPD.  Does it really help the process to fantasize and recall what it was about the person that engaged you sexually?

And these kinds of posts often ignore one thing:  Most people who have been with the pwBPD any length of time report little or no sex unless the pwBPD is in long-term recovery.  For BPD is a disorder of intimacy... .  As the relationship becomes more intimate, the fear of intimacy rears up and the sex often stops.  You may think that you are having intimate sex, but it isn't as intimate as emotional intimacy. If you do get closer emotionally, the pwBPD starts to feel engulfed and either exits stage right or pull back emotionally and/or sexually. 

Few people who break up with someone with BPD after a longer-term relationship report continuing to have any sex... .The sex is long gone by that time... .unless the pwBPD wants to get together again... .at which time he/she pulls out all of the stops to again engage the non.

The sex may seem good because he/she holds it on a string:  When the pwBPD is angry or pouting, no sex.  When he/she is no longer angry, then things are "hot" again... .and the non has no control other than to fantasize about the great sex during the dry times.

Bingo.  You nailed it.  There was no sex except at the start and from what I've read, I think that mine was also NPD. 

He mentioned more than once that women use sex to get control of a man. 
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« Reply #37 on: December 17, 2010, 04:32:50 AM »

Excerpt
Quote from: JoannaK on October 04, 2010, 01:20:00 PM


And these kinds of posts often ignore one thing:  Most people who have been with the pwBPD any length of time report little or no sex unless the pwBPD is in long-term recovery.  For BPD is a disorder of intimacy... .  As the relationship becomes more intimate, the fear of intimacy rears up and the sex often stops.  You may think that you are having intimate sex, but it isn't as intimate as emotional intimacy. If you do get closer emotionally, the pwBPD starts to feel engulfed and either exits stage right or pull back emotionally and/or sexually. 



I've really appreciated learning about this because to me it was one of the must hurtful parts of the relationship.  I felt horribly rejected and took it very personally.  Felt he must have decided I was unattractive, didn't want me for this reason or that reason or maybe because of his ex. 

Any true intimacy between us after he moved in was very few and far between.   I was devastated.  I thought it would be a time when we would grow more deeply in love, and enjoy each other so much more, yet it just became cold and affection, love, sex were withheld and doled out in sparse portions. 

Having seen this as a phenomenon of BPD, at least it becomes another nuance of the relationship where I can relieve myself of the blame and pain of rejection.   

Gotta admit though... .even when it was at its best, it wasn't very good.  That really wasn't what mattered to me though... .it was the connection, the intimacy I really wanted.  I wanted to be close and loving with him.  He denied us that.  Shame... .he has no idea what he missed out on. 

Gosh when he wasn't with me he must have been with you. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

We are totally describing the same guy.  If you have't yet read up on Narcissists.  I think that mine was.  I flet totally rejected by him and believe me, up until then, I'd never had any complaints.
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« Reply #38 on: December 17, 2010, 04:35:16 AM »

Excerpt
I'm an attractive and very fit man or so Im told.

Problem is that you weren't told by her.
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« Reply #39 on: December 17, 2010, 05:06:43 AM »

Excerpt
I'm an attractive and very fit man or so Im told.

Problem is that you weren't told by her.

So true, I have all these women telling me I'm a great attractive guy, but that doesn't mean much, I just wanted to hear it from the woman I love once or twice in 4 years, nothing more, I'd tell her everyday cause I felt it but also because she needed it, the confirmation 24/7.

And she just goes: "Why don't you run to one of your sluts who think you're so hot", and I'd go: "but baby... .", conversations like this 24/7.
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« Reply #40 on: December 17, 2010, 06:23:16 AM »

take the sex away and all you've got is a hit_.

Wow, that sums it up for me too. 
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« Reply #41 on: December 17, 2010, 06:32:26 AM »

Excerpt
I'm an attractive and very fit man or so Im told.

Problem is that you weren't told by her.

So true, I have all these women telling me I'm a great attractive guy, but that doesn't mean much, I just wanted to hear it from the woman I love once or twice in 4 years, nothing more, I'd tell her everyday cause I felt it but also because she needed it, the confirmation 24/7.

And she just goes: "Why don't you run to one of your sluts who think you're so hot", and I'd go: "but baby... .", conversations like this 24/7.

So true.  I started going to the gym more in order to please my wife who is much younger than me.  I thought she would appreciate it as it would help me stay young and for health reasons.  She was jealous!  All she could think of was that I was getting fitter and she was not.  I tried to get her to go with me and she did for a while then stopped.  Now she accuses me of having girlfriends at the gym and having affairs constantly.  I don't even talk to other women for fear that she would think something is up.  Such projection from these creatures.
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« Reply #42 on: December 17, 2010, 09:23:45 AM »

I have been following this post and it is amazing to see all the common threads with the people sharing.  For me, to sum it up, the sex was amazing for about the 1st 6 months.  I asked the same question The confusion and pain.  in a seperate post and pretty much ( after 3 years and now split for 6 months) it was amazing because he was so into it for HIM.  Being on the receiving end of all that passion and intent of course made me feel like it was me causing him to be that amazing lover.  But it was his "fantacies" and the porn addiction I later found out about that was driving him and I was the live bdy he got to play it out with.  He never took the time to "snuggle" share, talk, laugh, reminise, pillow talk, normal post love makeing couple stuff. He just popped up to strut and talk about his virtues.  As time went on, 1 year, 2 years, 3... .and the talk of committment and the obvious void of intimacy in the sex, the sex went away, like he was punishing me for dare to assume after all this time there were feelings and a future.  Sex with me was replaced with secret on line sex, hidden magazines and his own arsinal of sex toys for his own enjoyment. I had been replaced.  Very very dificult thing to deal with, but in the end, I had to realize there was nothing wrong with me, this is and will always be his issue.  Like the post said below, take away the sex and you still have a hit_.  In my case, take away the sex and I still had the narcisistic empty, hollow man.
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« Reply #43 on: December 17, 2010, 10:17:55 AM »

Excerpt
I'm an attractive and very fit man or so Im told.

Problem is that you weren't told by her.

So true, I have all these women telling me I'm a great attractive guy, but that doesn't mean much, I just wanted to hear it from the woman I love once or twice in 4 years, nothing more, I'd tell her everyday cause I felt it but also because she needed it, the confirmation 24/7.

And she just goes: "Why don't you run to one of your sluts who think you're so hot", and I'd go: "but baby... .", conversations like this 24/7.

My boyfriend told me I was too tall, it made him feel less like a man (a particular talent I hadn't known before), told me that other women were beautiful - had posters of them on his apartment walls, pointed them out to me in restaurants and told me the woman at work he had close private discussions with "looked fantastic"!.  Actually, I don't think he fooled around, I don't think this one had the nerve, but emotionally cheating?  Absolutely, he was hedging his bets the entire time.
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« Reply #44 on: December 17, 2010, 02:24:57 PM »

you lot are making me so jealous of the good sex lifes you had. where did i go wrong Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) i suppose she got her way by falling pregnant straight away. apparently she couldnt have any more children. she said to me once i glad i wasnt like a rabbit perhaps i would have like to have made that choice she got her way by falling pregnant so didnt want sex with me ?just used me to bring up the children just that gut feeling i got.
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« Reply #45 on: December 17, 2010, 03:25:50 PM »

you lot are making me so jealous of the good sex lifes you had. where did i go wrong Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) i suppose she got her way by falling pregnant straight away. apparently she couldnt have any more children. she said to me once i glad i wasnt like a rabbit perhaps i would have like to have made that choice she got her way by falling pregnant so didnt want sex with me ?just used me to bring up the children just that gut feeling i got.

well, hope this'll make u feel better... .not sure why my guy has this, maybe bc he had been a sniper before, but his memory seems to suck really bad about certain things he has said to me but he can recall everything i have said to him? I think he knows what he said or done before, just decides to ACT like he doesn't like a child can do when caught, not sure but its really bizarre and annoying for me to deal with out of the blue when he projects on to me what he does to me as if im doing it to him? He also tells me in a cool way what people at his job says to him when he has made it clear he doesn't like talking about it, like his age. Last night he told me some woman told him he shouldnt shave his head bc it'll show his wrinkles as if it was fine for her to say this to him? I know for a fact he doesn't like such conversations with anyone and i made it clear that conversation didn't go down like he said it did. He then looked at me like, "you are right"  ?
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« Reply #46 on: December 17, 2010, 04:52:31 PM »

The sex with my exBPDgf was only average. Something didn't feel right. She was a bit disconnected and didn't care about me but only herself. No real intimacy. Later on, before she dumped me, she used no sex to control and punish me.

I think because she was a very beautiful and sexy girl - I fooled myself to believe the sex *must* be good. More of a fantasy. It wasn't. Not bad but only average.
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« Reply #47 on: December 17, 2010, 05:14:53 PM »

For me, it was the only way I knew that I was in her good graces... .I was like Ok, she's ignoring me, raging at me and look I get to have sex with her despite all of this so things can't really be that bad right? It's not that good, strings are attached... .oh goodie, I'm out of the doghouse!
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« Reply #48 on: December 17, 2010, 08:15:29 PM »

Excerpt
told me that other women were beautiful - had posters of them on his apartment walls, pointed them out to me in restaurants and told me the woman at work he had close private discussions with "looked fantastic"!.  Actually, I don't think he fooled around, I don't think this one had the nerve, but emotionally cheating?  Absolutely, he was hedging his bets the entire time.

Mine was always telling me how attractive other women were.  It was just another form of abuse.
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harmony1
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« Reply #49 on: December 17, 2010, 08:25:08 PM »

sex was good... cause of how it made us feel... .on that pedestal
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eclipsed

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« Reply #50 on: December 19, 2010, 11:45:17 PM »

sex is part of the BPD drug. Not only the physical part but also emotional. Unfortunately its one of those things she has got me on the hook for still even after 9 months apart been hooked again last week and now paying for it again

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Chipmunk
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« Reply #51 on: December 20, 2010, 05:57:56 PM »

For me the sex act itself wasn't that great... .it was better than what I've experienced because it was more frequent... .but I told my ex the sex wasn't that great.  I had issues with the sex because he didn't know how to read a woman's body... .we dated for almost two years and the first year of our relationship I did not orgasm.  Later when I started to orgasm he couldn't tell.  It blew my mind that he couldn't tell a difference.  I liked the intimacy and that he desired me, that's what I loved the most.  But I've been with men that were more passionate and lustful... .I found him to be very mechanical as if he was living outside his body when having sex.
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El Greco
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« Reply #52 on: December 20, 2010, 07:52:41 PM »

For me the sex act itself wasn't that great... .it was better than what I've experienced because it was more frequent... .but I told my ex the sex wasn't that great.  I had issues with the sex because he didn't know how to read a woman's body... .we dated for almost two years and the first year of our relationship I did not orgasm.  Later when I started to orgasm he couldn't tell.  It blew my mind that he couldn't tell a difference.  I liked the intimacy and that he desired me, that's what I loved the most.  But I've been with men that were more passionate and lustful... .I found him to be very mechanical as if he was living outside his body when having sex.

Same here... .
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hereforhealing
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« Reply #53 on: December 21, 2010, 02:20:46 AM »

I liked what a lot of you had to say.  My experience was similar... ."best sex ever"... ."never had multiples"... ."couldn't imagine ever having sex with someone else now"... ."wetter than I have ever been"... .  etc.

An interesting realization for me is that in my relationship, a lot of that started or increased in intensity AFTER we broke up for the first time.  The first year of our relationship, sex was good, but it was not amazing.  And she certainly was not telling me that it was the best of her life.  Then after I had had enough fighting, I broke up with her.  Over the next two months, we had the most crazy and intense sex (while broken up).  This is when she began telling me these real ego building superman creating lines that BPDs seem to have universally learned.  And as we continued a on-again off-again relationship, the sex continued to be amazing and the lines continued.  As a result... .I certainly think that control is a major aspect of why BPDs behave in this way.  As soon as I was willing to walk away from the relationship because of mistreatment, she stepped up her methods of control in the bedroom to keep me around.  After all... .how many guys are willing to leave the "BEST SEX EVER"?

-HereForHealing

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Travis
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« Reply #54 on: December 21, 2010, 02:32:57 AM »

I liked what a lot of you had to say.  My experience was similar... ."best sex ever"... ."never had multiples"... ."couldn't imagine ever having sex with someone else now"... ."wetter than I have ever been"... .  etc.

An interesting realization for me is that in my relationship, a lot of that started or increased in intensity AFTER we broke up for the first time.  The first year of our relationship, sex was good, but it was not amazing.  And she certainly was not telling me that it was the best of her life.  Then after I had had enough fighting, I broke up with her.  Over the next two months, we had the most crazy and intense sex (while broken up).  This is when she began telling me these real ego building superman creating lines that BPDs seem to have universally learned.  And as we continued a on-again off-again relationship, the sex continued to be amazing and the lines continued.  As a result... .I certainly think that control is a major aspect of why BPDs behave in this way.  As soon as I was willing to walk away from the relationship because of mistreatment, she stepped up her methods of control in the bedroom to keep me around.  After all... .how many guys are willing to leave the "BEST SEX EVER"?

-HereForHealing

Yes, they use sex to manipulate you.  I am shallow, I love the sex, but it hasn't been there for a while.  We are apart now, and I need to get out for good.  This on again off again stuff is too draining. 
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muddychicken
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« Reply #55 on: December 21, 2010, 08:17:10 PM »

My ex used to tell me how great I was in the sack and then told me on the way out the door that she faked it more often than not. 15 years, that's almost as long as CATS ran on Broadway!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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ve01603
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« Reply #56 on: December 21, 2010, 08:26:50 PM »

Mine was probably NPD and he really wanted no part of sex accept at the beginning.  He was the worst I've ever known.
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