Why is the sex so good?

[toomanyeggshells]

Marcelle, if you are a woman, you may find this article (written 10 years ago by Roger Melton) interesting about Borderline Males:

The sexual pyrotechnics, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you."

Wow, I read that part of the quote and feel like I got kicked in the stomach.  I never, ever thought of it that way.  Even after all I've learned here, this never occurred to me. 

I'm in the same boat as some ... .the sex is very good and he always wants to please me, but he's a very controlling, jealous, possessive person outside of the bedroom and now it appears that the great sex is just an extension of that.  I guess I shouldn't be shocked at this, but I am.

[El Greco]

So does all of this mean that 'm not dealing with a BPD ex cause the sex was just so so, and she blamed me for having less of it with her instead of the other way around?

She wanted too, I just didn't at times, it hard be loving in bed after all the fights... .

She did complain about her dropping libido a lot, but blamed me for not wanting any.

Any thoughts?

[SeekingBalance]

I dunno.  I felt special, sometimes, but the sex was full of drama, oh how it hurt him!  Oh good grief.  He had to be the absolute worst lover I've ever had.  He was very, very concious of his low self image.  He told me that our relationship probably wouldn't work before we even held hands because he was "not a big guy" (if I knew what that meant) and I "was tall" (I'm assuming he meant that it was likely I was built like the Suez Canal), though he was slightly taller than me.

There wasn't any serious physical handicaps, but mentally, emotionally, wow.  What a gong show.  I can't believed I survived it.

[SeekingBalance]

These kinds of threads always disturb me, and they do come up every week or two or three.  Especially on the Leaving board, they seem a bit out of place:  If you are posting here, you have either broken up with or are intending to break up with someone with BPD.  Does it really help the process to fantasize and recall what it was about the person that engaged you sexually?

And these kinds of posts often ignore one thing:  Most people who have been with the pwBPD any length of time report little or no sex unless the pwBPD is in long-term recovery.  For BPD is a disorder of intimacy... .  As the relationship becomes more intimate, the fear of intimacy rears up and the sex often stops.  You may think that you are having intimate sex, but it isn't as intimate as emotional intimacy. If you do get closer emotionally, the pwBPD starts to feel engulfed and either exits stage right or pull back emotionally and/or sexually. 

Few people who break up with someone with BPD after a longer-term relationship report continuing to have any sex... .The sex is long gone by that time... .unless the pwBPD wants to get together again... .at which time he/she pulls out all of the stops to again engage the non.

The sex may seem good because he/she holds it on a string:  When the pwBPD is angry or pouting, no sex.  When he/she is no longer angry, then things are "hot" again... .and the non has no control other than to fantasize about the great sex during the dry times.

Oh THANK GOD!  I was wondering if I was totally off track.  The sex was terrible, non-existent nearly, he decided he couldn't satisfy me, and it just became about him.  He masturbated constantly.  By the end of it, he wouldn't even touch me.  It was sick!  Thank you moderator, my head was swimming.

[RealEyes]

These kinds of threads always disturb me, and they do come up every week or two or three.  Especially on the Leaving board, they seem a bit out of place:  If you are posting here, you have either broken up with or are intending to break up with someone with BPD.  :)oes it really help the process to fantasize and recall what it was about the person that engaged you sexually?

And these kinds of posts often ignore one thing:  Most people who have been with the pwBPD any length of time report little or no sex unless the pwBPD is in long-term recovery.  For BPD is a disorder of intimacy... . As the relationship becomes more intimate, the fear of intimacy rears up and the sex often stops.  You may think that you are having intimate sex, but it isn't as intimate as emotional intimacy. If you do get closer emotionally, the pwBPD starts to feel engulfed and either exits stage right or pull back emotionally and/or sexually.  

Few people who break up with someone with BPD after a longer-term relationship report continuing to have any sex... .The sex is long gone by that time... .unless the pwBPD wants to get together again... .at which time he/she pulls out all of the stops to again engage the non.

The sex may seem good because he/she holds it on a string:  When the pwBPD is angry or pouting, no sex.  When he/she is no longer angry, then things are "hot" again... .and the non has no control other than to fantasize about the great sex during the dry times.

Oh THANK GOD!  I was wondering if I was totally off track.  The sex was terrible, non-existent nearly, he decided he couldn't satisfy me, and it just became about him.  He masturbated constantly.  By the end of it, he wouldn't even touch me.  It was sick!  Thank you moderator, my head was swimming.

Ya know, this is also good to know bc i was thinking i might look for another BPDere since he has been the best hands down, unlike my sane boring ones could not measure up to! Really, thank you for alerting me they do suck n the worst way, as well, of course.

I can truly see how you felt as thou you were swimming since no one had spoke up about them also being terrible in bed since Jo's post on Oct. 4th? I think its importance to speak up instead of feel like you had for so long, so we all can learn and grow more while or after dealing with PDs.

thank you again 

[3rdID]

... .and the non has no control other than to fantasize about the great sex during the dry times.

Yeah, this is me. In fact when I have to take care of matters myself, its those sexual experiences with my w that I think about. Sometimes I wonder if this is keeping me addicted to her. Because of religious convictions and morals I wont allow myself to think of anyone else sexually. And I dont have the desire too. I really wonder if I'm totally whacked for life. We have not had sex since divorce announcement by w in Sept. Im seen as a disgusting evil villain. In actuality I'm an attractive and very fit man or so Im told. Its awful to be repelled by someone you loved for 20 yrs and still desire.

[ve01603]

These kinds of threads always disturb me, and they do come up every week or two or three.  Especially on the Leaving board, they seem a bit out of place:  If you are posting here, you have either broken up with or are intending to break up with someone with BPD.  Does it really help the process to fantasize and recall what it was about the person that engaged you sexually?

And these kinds of posts often ignore one thing:  Most people who have been with the pwBPD any length of time report little or no sex unless the pwBPD is in long-term recovery.  For BPD is a disorder of intimacy... .  As the relationship becomes more intimate, the fear of intimacy rears up and the sex often stops.  You may think that you are having intimate sex, but it isn't as intimate as emotional intimacy. If you do get closer emotionally, the pwBPD starts to feel engulfed and either exits stage right or pull back emotionally and/or sexually. 

Few people who break up with someone with BPD after a longer-term relationship report continuing to have any sex... .The sex is long gone by that time... .unless the pwBPD wants to get together again... .at which time he/she pulls out all of the stops to again engage the non.

The sex may seem good because he/she holds it on a string:  When the pwBPD is angry or pouting, no sex.  When he/she is no longer angry, then things are "hot" again... .and the non has no control other than to fantasize about the great sex during the dry times.

Bingo.  You nailed it.  There was no sex except at the start and from what I've read, I think that mine was also NPD. 

He mentioned more than once that women use sex to get control of a man. 

[ve01603]

Quote from: JoannaK on October 04, 2010, 01:20:00 PM


And these kinds of posts often ignore one thing:  Most people who have been with the pwBPD any length of time report little or no sex unless the pwBPD is in long-term recovery.  For BPD is a disorder of intimacy... .  As the relationship becomes more intimate, the fear of intimacy rears up and the sex often stops.  You may think that you are having intimate sex, but it isn't as intimate as emotional intimacy. If you do get closer emotionally, the pwBPD starts to feel engulfed and either exits stage right or pull back emotionally and/or sexually. 



I've really appreciated learning about this because to me it was one of the must hurtful parts of the relationship.  I felt horribly rejected and took it very personally.  Felt he must have decided I was unattractive, didn't want me for this reason or that reason or maybe because of his ex. 

Any true intimacy between us after he moved in was very few and far between.   I was devastated.  I thought it would be a time when we would grow more deeply in love, and enjoy each other so much more, yet it just became cold and affection, love, sex were withheld and doled out in sparse portions. 

Having seen this as a phenomenon of BPD, at least it becomes another nuance of the relationship where I can relieve myself of the blame and pain of rejection.   

Gotta admit though... .even when it was at its best, it wasn't very good.  That really wasn't what mattered to me though... .it was the connection, the intimacy I really wanted.  I wanted to be close and loving with him.  He denied us that.  Shame... .he has no idea what he missed out on. 

Gosh when he wasn't with me he must have been with you.

We are totally describing the same guy.  If you have't yet read up on Narcissists.  I think that mine was.  I flet totally rejected by him and believe me, up until then, I'd never had any complaints.

[ve01603]

I'm an attractive and very fit man or so Im told.

Problem is that you weren't told by her.

[El Greco]

I'm an attractive and very fit man or so Im told.

Problem is that you weren't told by her.

So true, I have all these women telling me I'm a great attractive guy, but that doesn't mean much, I just wanted to hear it from the woman I love once or twice in 4 years, nothing more, I'd tell her everyday cause I felt it but also because she needed it, the confirmation 24/7.

And she just goes: "Why don't you run to one of your sluts who think you're so hot", and I'd go: "but baby... .", conversations like this 24/7.

[Travis]

take the sex away and all you've got is a hit_.

Wow, that sums it up for me too. 

[Travis]

I'm an attractive and very fit man or so Im told.

Problem is that you weren't told by her.

So true, I have all these women telling me I'm a great attractive guy, but that doesn't mean much, I just wanted to hear it from the woman I love once or twice in 4 years, nothing more, I'd tell her everyday cause I felt it but also because she needed it, the confirmation 24/7.

And she just goes: "Why don't you run to one of your sluts who think you're so hot", and I'd go: "but baby... .", conversations like this 24/7.

So true.  I started going to the gym more in order to please my wife who is much younger than me.  I thought she would appreciate it as it would help me stay young and for health reasons.  She was jealous!  All she could think of was that I was getting fitter and she was not.  I tried to get her to go with me and she did for a while then stopped.  Now she accuses me of having girlfriends at the gym and having affairs constantly.  I don't even talk to other women for fear that she would think something is up.  Such projection from these creatures.

[Rebecca_2010]

I have been following this post and it is amazing to see all the common threads with the people sharing.  For me, to sum it up, the sex was amazing for about the 1st 6 months.  I asked the same question The confusion and pain.  in a seperate post and pretty much ( after 3 years and now split for 6 months) it was amazing because he was so into it for HIM.  Being on the receiving end of all that passion and intent of course made me feel like it was me causing him to be that amazing lover.  But it was his "fantacies" and the porn addiction I later found out about that was driving him and I was the live bdy he got to play it out with.  He never took the time to "snuggle" share, talk, laugh, reminise, pillow talk, normal post love makeing couple stuff. He just popped up to strut and talk about his virtues.  As time went on, 1 year, 2 years, 3... .and the talk of committment and the obvious void of intimacy in the sex, the sex went away, like he was punishing me for dare to assume after all this time there were feelings and a future.  Sex with me was replaced with secret on line sex, hidden magazines and his own arsinal of sex toys for his own enjoyment. I had been replaced.  Very very dificult thing to deal with, but in the end, I had to realize there was nothing wrong with me, this is and will always be his issue.  Like the post said below, take away the sex and you still have a hit_.  In my case, take away the sex and I still had the narcisistic empty, hollow man.

[SeekingBalance]

I'm an attractive and very fit man or so Im told.

Problem is that you weren't told by her.

So true, I have all these women telling me I'm a great attractive guy, but that doesn't mean much, I just wanted to hear it from the woman I love once or twice in 4 years, nothing more, I'd tell her everyday cause I felt it but also because she needed it, the confirmation 24/7.

And she just goes: "Why don't you run to one of your sluts who think you're so hot", and I'd go: "but baby... .", conversations like this 24/7.

My boyfriend told me I was too tall, it made him feel less like a man (a particular talent I hadn't known before), told me that other women were beautiful - had posters of them on his apartment walls, pointed them out to me in restaurants and told me the woman at work he had close private discussions with "looked fantastic"!.  Actually, I don't think he fooled around, I don't think this one had the nerve, but emotionally cheating?  Absolutely, he was hedging his bets the entire time.

[jeffro]

you lot are making me so jealous of the good sex lifes you had. where did i go wrong i suppose she got her way by falling pregnant straight away. apparently she couldnt have any more children. she said to me once i glad i wasnt like a rabbit perhaps i would have like to have made that choice she got her way by falling pregnant so didnt want sex with me ?just used me to bring up the children just that gut feeling i got.

[RealEyes]

you lot are making me so jealous of the good sex lifes you had. where did i go wrong i suppose she got her way by falling pregnant straight away. apparently she couldnt have any more children. she said to me once i glad i wasnt like a rabbit perhaps i would have like to have made that choice she got her way by falling pregnant so didnt want sex with me ?just used me to bring up the children just that gut feeling i got.

well, hope this'll make u feel better... .not sure why my guy has this, maybe bc he had been a sniper before, but his memory seems to suck really bad about certain things he has said to me but he can recall everything i have said to him? I think he knows what he said or done before, just decides to ACT like he doesn't like a child can do when caught, not sure but its really bizarre and annoying for me to deal with out of the blue when he projects on to me what he does to me as if im doing it to him? He also tells me in a cool way what people at his job says to him when he has made it clear he doesn't like talking about it, like his age. Last night he told me some woman told him he shouldnt shave his head bc it'll show his wrinkles as if it was fine for her to say this to him? I know for a fact he doesn't like such conversations with anyone and i made it clear that conversation didn't go down like he said it did. He then looked at me like, "you are right"  ?

[iceman10]

The sex with my exBPDgf was only average. Something didn't feel right. She was a bit disconnected and didn't care about me but only herself. No real intimacy. Later on, before she dumped me, she used no sex to control and punish me.

I think because she was a very beautiful and sexy girl - I fooled myself to believe the sex *must* be good. More of a fantasy. It wasn't. Not bad but only average.

[muddychicken]

For me, it was the only way I knew that I was in her good graces... .I was like Ok, she's ignoring me, raging at me and look I get to have sex with her despite all of this so things can't really be that bad right? It's not that good, strings are attached... .oh goodie, I'm out of the doghouse!

[ve01603]

told me that other women were beautiful - had posters of them on his apartment walls, pointed them out to me in restaurants and told me the woman at work he had close private discussions with "looked fantastic"!.  Actually, I don't think he fooled around, I don't think this one had the nerve, but emotionally cheating?  Absolutely, he was hedging his bets the entire time.

Mine was always telling me how attractive other women were.  It was just another form of abuse.

[harmony1]

sex was good... cause of how it made us feel... .on that pedestal

[eclipsed]

sex is part of the BPD drug. Not only the physical part but also emotional. Unfortunately its one of those things she has got me on the hook for still even after 9 months apart been hooked again last week and now paying for it again

[Chipmunk]

For me the sex act itself wasn't that great... .it was better than what I've experienced because it was more frequent... .but I told my ex the sex wasn't that great.  I had issues with the sex because he didn't know how to read a woman's body... .we dated for almost two years and the first year of our relationship I did not orgasm.  Later when I started to orgasm he couldn't tell.  It blew my mind that he couldn't tell a difference.  I liked the intimacy and that he desired me, that's what I loved the most.  But I've been with men that were more passionate and lustful... .I found him to be very mechanical as if he was living outside his body when having sex.

[El Greco]

For me the sex act itself wasn't that great... .it was better than what I've experienced because it was more frequent... .but I told my ex the sex wasn't that great.  I had issues with the sex because he didn't know how to read a woman's body... .we dated for almost two years and the first year of our relationship I did not orgasm.  Later when I started to orgasm he couldn't tell.  It blew my mind that he couldn't tell a difference.  I liked the intimacy and that he desired me, that's what I loved the most.  But I've been with men that were more passionate and lustful... .I found him to be very mechanical as if he was living outside his body when having sex.

Same here... .

[hereforhealing]

I liked what a lot of you had to say.  My experience was similar... ."best sex ever"... ."never had multiples"... ."couldn't imagine ever having sex with someone else now"... ."wetter than I have ever been"... .  etc.

An interesting realization for me is that in my relationship, a lot of that started or increased in intensity AFTER we broke up for the first time.  The first year of our relationship, sex was good, but it was not amazing.  And she certainly was not telling me that it was the best of her life.  Then after I had had enough fighting, I broke up with her.  Over the next two months, we had the most crazy and intense sex (while broken up).  This is when she began telling me these real ego building superman creating lines that BPDs seem to have universally learned.  And as we continued a on-again off-again relationship, the sex continued to be amazing and the lines continued.  As a result... .I certainly think that control is a major aspect of why BPDs behave in this way.  As soon as I was willing to walk away from the relationship because of mistreatment, she stepped up her methods of control in the bedroom to keep me around.  After all... .how many guys are willing to leave the "BEST SEX EVER"?

-HereForHealing

[Travis]

I liked what a lot of you had to say.  My experience was similar... ."best sex ever"... ."never had multiples"... ."couldn't imagine ever having sex with someone else now"... ."wetter than I have ever been"... .  etc.

An interesting realization for me is that in my relationship, a lot of that started or increased in intensity AFTER we broke up for the first time.  The first year of our relationship, sex was good, but it was not amazing.  And she certainly was not telling me that it was the best of her life.  Then after I had had enough fighting, I broke up with her.  Over the next two months, we had the most crazy and intense sex (while broken up).  This is when she began telling me these real ego building superman creating lines that BPDs seem to have universally learned.  And as we continued a on-again off-again relationship, the sex continued to be amazing and the lines continued.  As a result... .I certainly think that control is a major aspect of why BPDs behave in this way.  As soon as I was willing to walk away from the relationship because of mistreatment, she stepped up her methods of control in the bedroom to keep me around.  After all... .how many guys are willing to leave the "BEST SEX EVER"?

-HereForHealing

Yes, they use sex to manipulate you.  I am shallow, I love the sex, but it hasn't been there for a while.  We are apart now, and I need to get out for good.  This on again off again stuff is too draining. 

[muddychicken]

My ex used to tell me how great I was in the sack and then told me on the way out the door that she faked it more often than not. 15 years, that's almost as long as CATS ran on Broadway! 

[ve01603]

Mine was probably NPD and he really wanted no part of sex accept at the beginning.  He was the worst I've ever known.