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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Strange Sexual Behaviors?  (Read 11551 times)
DC Daniel
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« on: December 07, 2010, 08:24:00 AM »

I know this may be a bit of a taboo subject, but did any of you notice strange behaviors? Looking back at our relationship, I was under the delusion that despite our problems we had a dynamic and almost porn star quality sex life... The sex seemed phenomenal, almost too good to be true... Like everything in life, I've come to conclude that nothing is ever truly too good to be true... Looking  back, I now recall some strange behaviors that may have shattered the myth that I created about our "perfect" sex life... Here is a few examples:

The first time I noticed something was "off" with my ex involved sex... Around 3 months after our whirlwind relationship, we had a sex-a-thon. We probably had sex 5-6 times... That evening, at around 11PM I gave her manual stimulation... I was so exhausted though that I fell asleep in the middle of it   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) ... When I woke up the next morning she was FURIOUS. She said how could you fall asleep on me, you obviously don't care about me... My initial reaction was to laugh... I said OMG I'm so sorry we had so much sex and I was tired... It was funny to me... Boy did that set her off... .She was furious and kept repeating "How would you like it if I did that to you?"" When I said I would laugh she turned blank and 3 day silent treatment commenced.

She could never orgasm via sex, oral sex or even clitoral stimulation if I was the one doing it... I know some women have difficulty with this, but the reason why I bring this up is because when she did and I was helping her, she let out a near primal scream... It didn't seem like she was getting pleasure out of it... It was almost like pent up frustration getting expunged from her body... .She always had severe and nearly debilitation back problems (unexplained and undiagnosable)... But after he first orgasm with me she lied in bed, held me tight and said she could no longer feel her pain... As if the sex somehow took her pain away, if only for a short second... .Boy did I feel like a king / savior during those early moments...

As we progressed, sex continued to be a focal point... While it seemed that we were connected there were things that in retrospect did not make much sense... She had never been with a man sexually yet seemed like a pro... She could manually stimulate me to completion faster than I could... Which is a miracle  Smiling (click to insert in post) . I have been with my fair share of women, but couldn't comprehend how an amateur (I believed her and still believe she had an aversion to men / sex) could be so damn good... But the more I delve in to this, the more I realize that she must have been mimicking pornography... Everything from her moans to the look in here eyes looked eerily familiar to how porn stars act... In fact to this day I have difficulty watching women in porn because they have the same shallow eyes my exw had when she was in a BPD moment and I've heard those fake screams in real life... .Pretty crazy, huh?

Another strange thing was kissing... I was her best kisser ever, yet on some days, while kissing her the same way I had always kissed her, she would get frustrated... She would say,

"Why are you kissing me like that?" "Why are you moving your tongue like that?"... I was doing what I normally did but she put me on the spot... I had no idea how to react to that... If I was tired after a long day of work and didn't feel like have immediate sex, she would say, "I always have sex when you want it, even when I don't feel like it"... That too dumbfounded me as she always seemed like she greatly enjoyed sex with me and looked forward to it...

Anyone experience similar things?
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FoolishOne
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« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2010, 09:16:37 AM »

DC Daniel:

I know exactly what you are referring too... .in fact, sadly it has been the sex that's kept me in this rdiciulous relationship.  I can't even imagine saying that... .but my pwBPDw is a freaking rock star in bed... .however... .all of the research that I am finding indicates that it isn't real.  It is their way of keeping their hooks in you... .you are their lifeline and they know exactly what it takes to keep you.  It's actually kinda scary. 

I remember before we were married, when we would break up (always my choosing)... .she would immediately latech on to another guy.  This would be so incredibly painful to me.  I mean, just how special was our sex life if she would jump into bed with someone else in less than two week's time?  (Maybe even less than that).

Before her, I was a secure, confident guy that had his share of women... .so I was not a desperate schmuck that had never been laid.  She comes along and rocks my world... .BPD women have a knack of knowing how to please their men... .she was and is a true artist. 

In fact, back when we were first dating, she cheated on me with an international airline pilot... .she ended up marrying him (for a very brief time)... .but during the time they were together, she started smoking (because he was a smoker)... .I think that is a classic example of what BPD women will do to make themselves attractive to their mate... .they will give their self and their loved ones in order to "survive".  Twice she left her son with her ex-husband to go off to Australia to be with this guy for three weeks at a time.  This is the "devoted" mother that was so in to her kids.

Dude, all I can tell you is this... .the sex... .that is all it is and all it will ever be for me.  I am at a crossroads (as I've said a million times)... .I need to break free and reach escape velocity.  I know I will be infinitely more happy without her and the constant craziness.  I have yet to read the book "Walking on Eggshells"... .but the title alone already hits home. 

The two things that will prevent me (and possibly you), from cutting the cord is 1) the incredible sex 2) the thought of her being with another man (men).

That is my only real challenge at this point.  I am afraid the second isue may be greater than the first for me.  I can go without sex... .I did in my previous marraige... .but those thoughts that haunt me of her being as sexual with someone else as she was with me just won't go away... .I definitely need help with that.

And lastly... .I don't want to cast dispursions on your SO, but typically they are sexual creatures (as mentioned, that 's how they secure their target)... .so they stories she is telling you are being somewhat "inexperienced" would be highly doubted if I were you.

Good luck my friend... .I hope you reach escape velocity.
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fogbound
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« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2010, 09:24:46 AM »

I really hate this thread because it hits home so hard and is so painful. They really knew where to hold onto us.
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DC Daniel
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« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2010, 09:29:42 AM »

DC Daniel:

I know exactly what you are referring too... .in fact, sadly it has been the sex that's kept me in this rdiciulous relationship.  I can't even imagine saying that... .but my pwBPDw is a freaking rock star in bed... .however... .all of the research that I am finding indicates that it isn't real.  It is their way of keeping their hooks in you... .you are their lifeline and they know exactly what it takes to keep you.  It's actually kinda scary.  

I remember before we were married, when we would break up (always my choosing)... .she would immediately latech on to another guy.  This would be so incredibly painful to me.  I mean, just how special was our sex life if she would jump into bed with someone else in less than two week's time?  (Maybe even less than that).

Before her, I was a secure, confident guy that had his share of women... .so I was not a desperate schmuck that had never been laid.  She comes along and rocks my world... .BPD women have a knack of knowing how to please their men... .she was and is a true artist.  

In fact, back when we were first dating, she cheated on me with an international airline pilot... .she ended up marrying him (for a very brief time)... .but during the time they were together, she started smoking (because he was a smoker)... .I think that is a classic example of what BPD women will do to make themselves attractive to their mate... .they will give their self and their loved ones in order to "survive".  Twice she left her son with her ex-husband to go off to Australia to be with this guy for three weeks at a time.  This is the "devoted" mother that was so in to her kids.

Dude, all I can tell you is this... .the sex... .that is all it is and all it will ever be for me.  I am at a crossroads (as I've said a million times)... .I need to break free and reach escape velocity.  I know I will be infinitely more happy without her and the constant craziness.  I have yet to read the book "Walking on Eggshells"... .but the title alone already hits home.  

The two things that will prevent me (and possibly you), from cutting the cord is 1) the incredible sex 2) the thought of her being with another man (men).

That is my only real challenge at this point.  I am afraid the second isue may be greater than the first for me.  I can go without sex... .I did in my previous marraige... .but those thoughts that haunt me of her being as sexual with someone else as she was with me just won't go away... .I definitely need help with that.

And lastly... .I don't want to cast dispursions on your SO, but typically they are sexual creatures (as mentioned, that 's how they secure their target)... .so they stories she is telling you are being somewhat "inexperienced" would be highly doubted if I were you.

Good luck my friend... .I hope you reach escape velocity.

Thanks... Is it weird that I can't call you by your name? You certainly aren't Foolish... .We all make mistakes in life, and when facing a master manipulator in survival mode, a good percentage of the population would probably succumb to their deceit and lies... Now you would be Foolish if you picked another BPD the next round  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)


Back to the original point- My escape velocity was reached 15 months ago, and I've been divorced for nearly a year with no contact for the past 8 months... I will never endure another minute of her insanity... .I've been dating this incredibly sweet woman for the past 6 months and while the sex isn't "pornstar" a strange part of me actually enjoys the fact that she is open about her sexual insecurities and generally shy about sex... .It's nice to actually date a human being after being exposed to a vampire... .Perhaps one day the sex will elevate to greatness, perhaps it won't... .But in the grand scheme of things, it no longer matters to me. I'd rather be happy with a healthy partner than on a roller coaster ride.  
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Empowered
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« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2010, 09:35:57 AM »

Well, I can say that from the beginning with my BPDh there were definitely signs of dysfunctions issues surrounding masturbation and also a lot of hang ups about sleeping in the same bed afterward as well.  Over time some of these issues quieted and yet other forms of dysfunction arose.  The sex in the beginning was incredible but over time has just become something to serve only his need of feeling like we had a relationship.  I have completely stopped having sex with him for the past 5 months even though we still live together simply because it seemed like each time right after we were intimate within about 24 hours sometimes less he would be back raging at me and beating me down.  And not having sex is a huge trigger for him as a matter of fact yesterday he went on a rampage and destroyed sex toys that he had purchased for us several years ago and called me every name in book as if I were cheating on him with the toys... .well needles to say I am having loads of fun and finally had to call 911 on him after he threatened to stick a knife in me as far as it would go.  Finally calmed him down.

Towards the end of our physical relationship I began to realize that it was a game filled with push and pull behaviors.  He would complain that we didn't have sex enough, then if I tried to have sex with him he would blow me off, then he would come to bed and not even touch me and yet the next day would complain that I didn't have sex with him.  Really became a bizarre roller coaster ride that I finally had to get off of.  It was way too much emotionally to deal with.  

Anyway, I guess the one thing that I noticed since not engaging him sexually is that is all our relationship has been reduced to.  After 14 yrs of marriage and 16 years together, I have realized and told him that the only thing that he is fixated on is my vagina and honestly if that is all I am for him then let him go to a bar and find a new one.  Sad but true, unfortunately.  :)on't know if anyone else has noticed this but I would be interested to know.   x
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fogbound
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« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2010, 09:48:25 AM »

FoolishOne

One thing I wanted to add that helps me a little which you may have already thought about. The next victim may have the time of his life with the pornstar sex but it going to come at a very very high price.
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Lydia
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« Reply #6 on: December 07, 2010, 10:02:15 AM »

My experiences seem to differ from yours a bit, but my ex is NPD, so it's not that surprizing to me.  Everything he did, in the beginning was about him.  He wasn't interested in pleasing me and was not an experienced lover.  He seemed to have the attitude of someone who was accustomed to paying for what he wanted in bed.  I even asked him once if he'd been paying the woman he had as a lover for two years before me because I just couldn't get why she would have continued to sleep with him otherwise.  I performed oral sex for two years without reciprication before I finally told him that if he didn't want to have oral sex that was going to be a two-way street.  It was a moment of clarity for me because with other things I'd request (honesty, communication, or whatever) he acted like he couldn't get the message, but when it came to him not getting what he wanted sexually unless he was willing to consider my needs, he learned real quick.  

This creeped me out and if anyone knows what it might mean I'd love to know.  The last time we had sex was after he had spent a weekend away.  I didn't know it then, but he had spent some time with another woman over the weekend.  He claims it wasn't sexual and that may be true.  But, he came over after his trip and when I reached over to kiss him, he said, "You can kiss me if you want to, I don't mind."  It was like being with a kid who was playing doctor or something.  I was taken so off guard.  I just said, "What."  To which he replied, "Oh, I never have."  It was like he realized it was me he was with.  And then, instead of our usual practice of forplay, he did something he hasn't done in a long time, which was use spit for lubrication.  I felt like I was with someone new or someone who thought they were with someone besides me.  

So, my ex was not a good lover when we first met, but by the end of our relationship he knew exactly how to please me and we had a healthy sex life.  He had told me that he had expected his ex wife to do things she didn't want to do and he felt bad about that.  He didn't go there with me, but I think he knew I wasn't going to allow him to be disrespectful.  

He did want to have sex a lot and once gave me the silent treatment for refusing to have sex with him. I was too sick to eat and we had had sex twice the night before so there wasn't any game being played on my part.  It hurt me so much that he expected me to put his sexual needs above my physical needs.  Anyway, he was ruthless in his treatment of me the next morning.  

Thanks for bringing this up.  It's helped me to look at the situation realistically instead of glorifying that which wasn't all that great.

Oh, one more thing.  My ex seemed to feel more present after sex, but seemed to need more than want it.  
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grimalkin
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« Reply #7 on: December 07, 2010, 10:35:41 AM »

My ex was extremely attentive in bed and it was another case of "porn star sex", but also very emotional sex.  I do think he was trying every second to make me feel good, but it was extremely validating to him when he could do that, he would feel loved and it would turn him on more.  There were times, though, when I could tell it was that validation that was the primary driving force, and those were times when it felt more mechanical.  During those times I could tell he was having trouble concentrating on his own pleasure.  This might have been why your ex had trouble with orgasms when she was with you.  She might have been distracted by all the other stuff she was or should be doing to pleasure you.

As an aside, sex CAN actually make pain go away, because of all the endorphins that are released at orgasm.  So she may have actually meant it when she said that.

As far as her getting upset when she felt you were inattentive or disinterested, she may just have been embarrassed and vulnerable, and keep in mind how hyper emotional BPs are in general.  What would be disappointing and maybe a smidge embarrassing to us is utter humiliation to a BP, so her lashing out would make more sense.  She may have felt rejected, and unappreciated for the amount of time and effort she put into making sex perfect for you.  With the screaming, it seems indeed possible that she may have actually been releasing pent up emotion, as you suspected, or she could have played it up a little to make you feel good, thus receiving validation from you.  Being good in bed seems to be an extremely common point of validation for BPs and sexual performance is something they master that is a HUGE part of how they handle their disorder-- if they're good then they feel loved and safe because you're less likely to leave.
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JJay
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« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2010, 11:10:26 AM »

This is interesting. Although my relationship was in secret (read my story), the sex experience is one of things why she's still in my head and keeped me hooked. For some reason there was not much foreplay (is this common?) the sex itself was something I didn't experienced ever before. She was so wild and knew exactly what I wanted. And then thinking about the way she looked at me and the things she said when she was pleasing me (pornstar, anyone?). She found out I had a weak spot (neck biting) and she did this over and over again. She was also scratching her nails everywhere. Just a wild animal and wherever it was possible she tried to give me a hard one, even in public. Most of the times just teasing and playing to make me crazy. She started something and stopped. If I said like: "So, and now? Are gonna finish it?", she said (with an evil laugh): "Maybe, but it's your problem. Not mine.". Just hit_y things if you ask me, but I kinda liked it and if she did finish it I was in heaven for a while (I must admit she was the best 'till now). I hate her the way she treated me and I'm done with her, but these experiences are in my head all the time and I'm thinking about back quite much. That's what's making me crazy and I sometimes hate why BPD was in the way... .

BTW, I found out she liked to be kinky (also BDSM and stuff) and wanted to be in control. She talked and fantasized about it really alot. Is this also common? I did read something about machochism and sadism, but I'm not sure if it's really related to BPD. Luckily I have never been nailed to a wooden cross or something (LOL).
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grimalkin
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« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2010, 11:44:29 AM »

BTW, I found out she liked to be kinky (also BDSM and stuff) and wanted to be in control. She talked and fantasized about it really alot. Is this also common? I did read something about machochism and sadism, but I'm not sure if it's really related to BPD. Luckily I have never been nailed to a wooden cross or something (LOL).

My ex was into roleplay and light BDSM.  Power exchange was a huge turn on for him (and for me, too)-- he was usually the top, but not always.  Maybe it's the the extra danger that adds some excitement that a BP needs-- or maybe they have power issues because they felt powerless as children (and perhaps still feel that way as adults).  Possibly both.  Thinking on it it was likely both for my ex.

Grim
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wiscago
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« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2010, 12:15:06 PM »

Mine too was a rock star. Some of our worst fights were during or after sex ! Makes you really want to have sex huh ? We had the best sex life ever ! Then she wouls say the oposite after awhile it was like get away from me go find somebody else and she did . She was the most selfish person I have ever been to bed with. Damn the sex was good though Smiling (click to insert in post) Like every habit ... .I had to give that up too though. Reward, was not woth the torment !
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CVA
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« Reply #11 on: December 07, 2010, 02:32:13 PM »

DC,

i read your post and immediatly had to reply, i have not read any others post under yours as for i just needed to tell ya.

YES  i experienced the same thing,  wholly crap...  

She was supposedly a virgin. 29 yrs old, i was her 4th man in her life ever, she was a church girl and well everything seemed ok until it came to sex... .

Looking back, when we first dated, the few weeks us hanging out it was golden,, we hung out in crowds, we kept doors open and i never pushed or impressed and sexual advances on her...   UNtil


I had to leave to go to the east coast for work,, i was going to be gone for a mnth,  well that night,, she said she had to use the bathroom and well went in there and then called me to come in,, i was like hmmmmmmmm...   maybe we were going to make out ,, well,, not to get to raw,... .she performed the most amazing oral sex ever on me, i mean over porn star quality,, and i was in shock,, there was nothing leading up to it, it was just drop ad shop...    I was taken back and at the time not complaining,, but, hell it just did not add up at all,, i ahd to leave the next morning and all the while when i was gone i could not help but want to talk about what just happpend and to the intensity in happend...

well, fast forward, she said she was just good at it,,  i was like ya right, how did that hapen,, it only got worse and the behavior got more out of control like u said, porn star, demands, shock and awe, and she thought it was cute... I have had my share of woman, and some not so proud of , but they did not even act like this, while i was gone she broke up with me,, cuz i asked to many questions.

Fast forward again... .we got married,, and we never had intercourse before marriega... .once we had intercourse, thats when all hell broke loose and all the BPD symptoms showed up... and 6 weeks later she abandoned me...

but while she was gone, she would send me videos she took with her phone , and have bizzare sexual requests and say crap over the phone, like wanting threesomes and such,, again, this was all wierd to me,, i like you asked her if she was mimicking porn or watched porn before. as she would make noises. and act like she was having sex with other me, while talking to me on the phone, dirty talk and all,, i was mezmerized, as i was married before and was in the military and had to be gone from my wife for mnts at a time,, but it took time to get to this place and it was not so intense... .

so,, sexual behavior being  strange,, Hell yes... .it did not fit her facade or innocent girl act she was puttung on... .

I do think it was a way of keeping me hooked and her acting out and doing what she thought i would like or to keep me under control... our sex seemed cold and detachd,, and she could not have a orgasm neither,  she would tell me how to give her oral pleasure,, and i was like what the heck... .how would she know,, and like hell for a woman to claim she never was active,, just breathing on it would had drove her nuts... but all the control issues during sex was  mind boggling,, and i often wonderd why it was so detached and like a act.

i think its a control tactic,  and another way to control us males, and a dirty little trick,, all the while showering us with validation and such, to make us think we are in the honeymoon stage and to get us to think they feel the same as we do,, and that its mutual... .but i dnt think so anymore, it control control control.


this is a good topic... . 

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3rdID
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« Reply #12 on: December 07, 2010, 03:31:25 PM »

The two things that will prevent me (and possibly you), from cutting the cord is 1) the incredible sex 2) the thought of her being with another man (men).

That is my only real challenge at this point.  I am afraid the second isue may be greater than the first for me.  I can go without sex... .I did in my previous marraige... .but those thoughts that haunt me of her being as sexual with someone else as she was with me just won't go away... .I definitely need help with that.

My problems exactly. Good sex. As for going without, I can just take care of that and visualize one of the many escapades I had with W. It is a  horrible feeling of helplessness wondering about another guy being or coming into the picture. I envision her marching in with some new guy to one of my sons HS athletic events. I think I could be capable of violence if she parades some dude around me. If the dude is stupid enough to allow it he should be beaten anyway. Shes capable of it. Id never bring another women around my kids. Just wouldnt do that to them.
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angry hurt
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« Reply #13 on: December 07, 2010, 03:36:02 PM »

I thought the sex was great . But now 8 month on nearly I think it was more to do with the adrenaline rush and the BPD having us on a high. It now seams weird rather than great. When making love shed always get into bed with her underwear and bra on. we'd start the same sides of the bed and I'd have to undress her. For once why cudnt she just jump into bed naked ? Is this weird ? We'd have alot of drunken sex and she once passed me the camera to take pictures. I'm in a relationship with a sweet normal human being now. And the sex is great . Fingers crossed for this one .
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« Reply #14 on: December 07, 2010, 03:43:03 PM »

Dammit!

Why couldn't my uBPDw have this behavior?

I got all the misery, and none of the perks.
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3rdID
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« Reply #15 on: December 07, 2010, 05:43:21 PM »

We'd have alot of drunken sex and she once passed me the camera to take pictures.

Do normal women do this too?  Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)
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grimalkin
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« Reply #16 on: December 07, 2010, 05:44:06 PM »

We'd have alot of drunken sex and she once passed me the camera to take pictures.

Do normal women do this too?  Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yeah, we do.

Grim
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« Reply #17 on: December 07, 2010, 06:03:41 PM »

We'd have alot of drunken sex and she once passed me the camera to take pictures.

Do normal women do this too?  Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yeah, we do.

Grim

Maybe there is hope after all.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Lydia
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« Reply #18 on: December 07, 2010, 06:23:07 PM »

I think normal people entertain all sorts of passions.  The difference is, we do it because we want to.  We're in it for pleasure and excitement and connection.  We can feel a wide range of emotion and are able to be raunchy and loveable.  We release endorphins and feel good about what we're doing.  Disordered people seem to need to manipulate and will perform.  Because they're mostly performing, they're not really 'in' and seem to do things beyond their control.  Maybe this is why, even though most of us claim to have great sex lives, they dip in other pools.  Of course there's always an element of play between couples, but it hasn't been my experience to feel regret or remorse for mutually consentual sexual acts.  I have the ability to discern what I will and will not do.  If something doesn't sit right with me, I just don't do it.  I can appreciate the difference between being spontaneous and acting on impulse.  I can weigh the possible consequences and control myself.  And, I never think it's fair to withhold sex as a punishment or to punish (or take personally) the needs of my partner.  Of course, being female, I doubt I've experienced sexual rejection like some men say they do. 
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« Reply #19 on: December 07, 2010, 07:55:43 PM »

I agree, the sex had me. It was incredible lovemaking, porn star quality. For me though I chalked it up to my intense feelings for her (love). I would breathe her in, taste her, smell her... it was very intense and passionate I have never experienced that before. It was raw and animalistic. The way we feverishly clawed at each other only further convinced me that it was right. But I was soon to learn that lovemaking had little impact on her. I would shed tears while making love because I was so caught up for her... Her eyes would glaze over and she would tell me my tears were lies only so I could f--- her for free.

I could swear there were times while making love when her walls would come down and her eyes would change and i could see her vulnerability. It was beautiful moments like that when, further still I believed we made a deeper connection. Thinking back... who knows? Maybe it was all a charade and I was only seeing what I so deeply wanted to believe.
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BillP
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« Reply #20 on: December 07, 2010, 08:47:54 PM »

My ex had/has seriously disturbing sexual behavior. It stems from what her dad did to her. At first, I thought it was some kind of role playing that she was doing. But wow! And to be perfectly honest, she wasn't all that good. I've had a few T's tell me, this is not uncommon for some women with this illness. They give of themselves sexually quite easily, but they have never had the chance to develop sexually as a woman. So they just submit, and do things that are most familiar to them. Quite bleepin' distrubing!

She is such a mess!
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CVA
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« Reply #21 on: December 07, 2010, 09:34:56 PM »

i like whay Lydia had to say,

that most normal woman, will do things to experiment and to feel a connecton with their partner, to build intimacy and hope to mutually satisfy each other,, bUt not BPD>. 
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man34
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« Reply #22 on: December 08, 2010, 01:06:18 AM »

mine had some series sexual issues... .her boundaries kept on expanding... .she was big into phone and cybersex... .her biggest wish was that if we can have sex infront of her husband... .him watching us in anger... .she would always fantasize that... .wanted to do public and group sex... first i thought she was kidding... .but later realized she was dead series... .
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Undertowed
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« Reply #23 on: December 08, 2010, 03:30:20 AM »



... .It's nice to actually date a human being after being exposed to a vampire
... .Perhaps one day the sex will elevate to greatness, perhaps it won't... .But in the grand scheme of things, it no longer matters to me. I'd rather be happy with a healthy partner than on a roller coaster ride.  

At first I laughed at that line until I remembered the show True Blood.  It's about vampires in society and the humans get all tangled up with these cold blooded 'fangers' partly because the sex is off the chain!  You hit on something really deep.

Anywho, I have to admit the first BPD or NPD type of guy I fell for had the best technique I'd ever experienced.  I met him through a co-worker in Vegas.  His friend had good things to say about him so I took a chance.  He gave the full court press and came to visit. I'm soo not kidding when I say, even with his erratic behavior and crazy temper I nearly suggested we get MARRIED because of the crazy-sick sex!  Who does that?  I was nearly a character in the Hangover!    I mean he did things with his body that seemed impossible!  He could even WRITE pornographically!  He sent me texts that would keep me riveted to the point where I didn't even want to look at another guy.  I hate to admit it but after I bounced him out of my life I still kept the letters and marvel at his sheer unadulterated raunchiness!  Excuse me, I need to go to rehab.
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Undertowed
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« Reply #24 on: December 08, 2010, 04:04:34 AM »

  I have the ability to discern what I will and will not do.  If something doesn't sit right with me, I just don't do it.  I can appreciate the difference between being spontaneous and acting on impulse.  I can weigh the possible consequences and control myself.  And, I never think it's fair to withhold sex as a punishment or to punish (or take personally) the needs of my partner.  Of course, being female, I doubt I've experienced sexual rejection like some men say they do. 

I don't know if it's typical but I did find that one BPD guy I dated was somewhat pushy about what he wanted me to do.  He loved exhibitionism and he pushed and pushed for it but I was too vanilla for his tastes. 

Unfortunately, I have experienced sexual rejection.  My ex about a month in had a conversation with me and accused me of being addicted to sex with him.  After that he delighted in holding back any physical contact and said I was pretending to be goody goody but he knew what I liked.  I thought he was joking but he was actually serious.
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Lydia
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« Reply #25 on: December 08, 2010, 06:55:17 AM »

I agree, the sex had me. It was incredible lovemaking, porn star quality. For me though I chalked it up to my intense feelings for her (love). I would breathe her in, taste her, smell her... it was very intense and passionate I have never experienced that before. It was raw and animalistic. The way we feverishly clawed at each other only further convinced me that it was right. But I was soon to learn that lovemaking had little impact on her. I would shed tears while making love because I was so caught up for her... Her eyes would glaze over and she would tell me my tears were lies only so I could f--- her for free.

I could swear there were times while making love when her walls would come down and her eyes would change and i could see her vulnerability. It was beautiful moments like that when, further still I believed we made a deeper connection. Thinking back... who knows? Maybe it was all a charade and I was only seeing what I so deeply wanted to believe.

I don't think they're faking this intensity that's shown through their eyes while making love.  I saw my ex's eyes change, too.  What I believe was going on with him at those moments was he was actually present.  I think it took strong emotion to get his attention; to bring him home to himself, if you will.  There were tender moments afterward, too.  The sad thing is I was able to feel that connected outside of the sexual arena.  I've been brought to moments of sheer joy that had nothing to do with sex, and I can't recall him ever doing so.  Most of the time his eyes were sort of blank and darty.  Other people have commented to me that he never looked them in the eye.  Others have said there energy field goes up when he's around. 

My ex even told me that he felt 'connected' after spending some time with me.  At first I thought it meant he felt connected to me, but I later started wondering if it didn't make him feel connected to himself.  He had a problem with object constancy.  He told me that his therapist had recommended he carry a photo of me.  He didn't seem to care that much about talking to me unless he knew he was going to see me.  If we had a date, he would always pick up his phone, but if we weren't going to see each other and he felt I just wanted to talk, he didn't.  That seemed so odd to me too.  I figured if we couldn't see each other, we could talk, but it wasn't that way for him. 

Many people who've been sexually abused confuse sex and love.  They will try to win approval by performing sexually.  They don't know any other way to feel loved.  I did this for years myself.  I kept chasing men who were emotionally unavailable and trying to get them to 'stay.'  Part of my plan included sexual performance.  I learned early on the power a woman can have over a man.  Now, I wasn't aware of the dynamic until I had some therapy and realized it was all tied in with being sexually abused and abandoned by my parents.  Also, I didn't learn about physical boundaries, so before treatment I was more of an anything goes girl.  I recieved very little pleasure from sex.  Orgasm wasn't the goal, connection wasn't the goal either.  The excitement was from the power.  Sort of like 'see, I can make you love me.'  So, what's the difference between me and my ex?  I was able (thankfully) to come to terms with what had happened to me.  I was willing to do the necessary work to understand why I kept recycling through the dynamic of emotionally unavailable partners.  I came to understand that it wasn't fair to seduce someone in order to have power over them (manipulation).  I cared about how my actions led me down paths where I didn't have any sort of true connection.  I wanted something deeper for myself.  I was able to release the shame associated with sexual abuse.  My ex's shame shattered him.  My knowledge of his shattering and shame kept me roped in.  I understood what he was feeling because I had experienced it too.  He still isn't able to even comprehend his damage.  He needed to hide behind my past.  It helped him feel superior.  You know, like the drunk who hangs out with the guy under the bridge because 'he's worse off.'  Doing this helps the other person come to terms with their own pain.  My ex's chaos kept me from looking at my own pain, too.

My ex slept with his father until he was a teenager.  He'd never told anyone about this practice before me and when he did tell me he made it a point to say, without being asked, "But it wasn't sexual."  But when he tried to pretend that he wasn't damaged in our first session by not talking about any of this while I sat there and said exactly what my deal was, it made me angry.  We looked like a classic example of good boy meets girl from the wrong side of the tracks.  I confronted him and he had no choice but to fess up at the next session.  When the therapist asked him, "So, everyone in your family knew what was happening?"  He got angry and said, "They knew."  To my knowledge, that's as far as he's gotten with this.  I wanted to scream, "They knew what?"  If he can ever get to that core issue, he may have a chance of healing from it and, like us, begin to chip away at the iceburg of shame and abandonment and guilt and remorse that caused him to stay at the cognitive level of a toddler.  I doubt he will though.  He's gone back to a young, troubled woman who he can focus on her issues instead of his own.  Her consequences (she's in early recovery from drug/alcohol) will keep him busy for a while.  He needs that crazy life and sexual attention to survive.  If he looked square in the eyes of his pain it would shatter him more.  Or so he thinks.  This is another element that kept me roped in.  I kept thinking if I could do it, so could he.  I wasn't very understanding that some people cannot do this kind of work and some people don't want to.  Once I accepted that, for now, he wants and or needs to remain where he is, and that I want and need to experience further healing, another one of the ties that bind were broken. 

Sorry for the ramble, but these posts always make me think Smiling (click to insert in post)
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #26 on: December 08, 2010, 07:12:09 AM »

My ex loved role play. Except it was not play to her. She wanted to be my submissive and slave. And I accept my responsibility here as well. I loved being her "Master." What I thought was fun and cool, she saw it as something deeper. I was the parent who rewarded and punished her as I saw fit (or when she wanted it).

Besides that, she loved anything dangerous: public sex, playing in a car, outside, sex in a club, sex with a transgendered guy once, a threesome, etc.

Her masturbation practices puzzled me. She would do it just to get off, even while watching the news or TV... .just for the release. And some things she liked bothered me as well: she liked being choked sometimes, slapped in the face, spit on, degraded, showed off her bruises like they were battle scars (proud of them). She went beyond what I could enjoy sexually but just wanted to do anything for her. Wanted to be whatever she needed me to be as well. I loved her and was addicted to her. Dammit.
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« Reply #27 on: December 08, 2010, 07:21:08 AM »

I would also like to contribute to this. In the three years I was with my exBPDbf our sex life was great to begin with but soon ended up being perfunctory and bland. Why? Because I knew there was no real love expressed by him and I couldn't raise my enthusiasm. I ended up feeling like a service. I may as well have been an oven or washing machine! He started to do some very strange moves towards the end as if he was reverting back to an inexperienced teenager. I also found lots of his dead mother's old nighties and make up under the bed once. He used to pass sex off as I quote, "Just another form of communication." What? Where is the love and connection in that statement? As time went on I shut down completely. I felt guilty having dreams about being truly loved but I now realise my inner self needed more respect and nourishment so I left him.

Compared to the lovely boyfriends I've had before, this man wasn't able to show any real affection or care, especially in bed. It left me feeling cold. It's just as well I have a healthy perspective on sex and how it should be, thanks to previous boyfriends.
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fogbound
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« Reply #28 on: December 08, 2010, 07:32:30 AM »

I was so consumed with her and her raw sexual horsepower that I wanted to physically eat her. I mean cut her into pieces so I could have her inside me. I told her that many times. That kind if intensity is near impossible to walk away from.
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« Reply #29 on: December 08, 2010, 07:45:12 AM »

I was so consumed with her and her raw sexual horsepower that I wanted to physically eat her. I mean cut her into pieces so I could have her inside me. I told her that many times. That kind if intensity is near impossible to walk away from.

I hear you. I was totally immersed. I wanted to have every part of her body. I was on that pedestal and she was on one too. She was perfect to me. After all the years of her complaining that her ex called her fat, made her feel unattractive... .after her criticizing herself and every flaw she saw... .after never feeling sexy and desired on a permanent basis... .here I was loving her and telling her every day how sexy and beautiful she was.

I thought, why would she ever leave me? I am her ego booster. I am the guy who is loyal to her... .indulge every fantasy she has. Devour her in bed. I used to want to do it multiple times. She would say something is wrong with me. How could she leave that? Easy. Nothing is ever enough. I don't mean sexually. I mean emotionally. No one can ever fill that emotional gap.
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