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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Strange Sexual Behaviors?  (Read 11454 times)
Lydia
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« Reply #30 on: December 08, 2010, 07:46:37 AM »

I was so consumed with her and her raw sexual horsepower that I wanted to physically eat her. I mean cut her into pieces so I could have her inside me. I told her that many times. That kind if intensity is near impossible to walk away from.

Sometimes I wonder if we don't recognize that we are the passion creators in these relationships.  Yes, the attachment is intense, but could it be that we actually are a bigger part of what makes it powerful and we've assigned that to them.  Your comment made me think of this because I'm wondering if you're aware that the kind of person who can feel this deeply is you.  Not her.  Yes, she had technique that turned you on and was raw and animalistic, but your intense desire to injest her is a reflection of how capable you are of feeling.  I doubt she felt the same way.  

Maybe we give these people too much credit?  Maybe it is us that have crazy passion ability?  I know I do.  I'm passionate about everything I do.  Well, I was before this anyway and I'm struggling to get back to that.  I just think I was always the one who 'felt' while he was the one who performed.  So, I think I can have the same intensity with another partner once I heal.  Why not?  Why can't I connect in that same physical level with someone who's able to connect emotionally and spiritually, too?  Then it would be even more powerful and we could actually build a responsible life together that included joy and little chaos.  

I left because I want something more.  Yes, I feel stuck right now, but that doesn't have to become a life-long pattern.  I can have it all.  I mean really most people are sexual beings.  :)epending on their willingness to explore and not feel shame, the rest is just technique.  I think being with someone who's less troubled will be good.  
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eman01

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« Reply #31 on: December 08, 2010, 08:01:18 AM »

I agree. I think they mirror our own passion back to us. They reflect our own sexual intensity back to us and we give them credit for it.

Excerpt
Sometimes I wonder if we don't recognize that we are the passion creators in these relationships.  Yes, the attachment is intense, but could it be that we actually are a bigger part of what makes it powerful and we've assigned that to them.  Your comment made me think of this because I'm wondering if you're aware that the kind of person who can feel this deeply is you.  Not her.  Yes, she had technique that turned you on and was raw and animalistic, but your intense desire to injest her is a reflection of how capable you are of feeling.  I doubt she felt the same way.

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sunrise2010
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« Reply #32 on: December 08, 2010, 08:11:10 AM »

Lydia, you say "Sometimes I wonder if we don't recognize that we are the passion creators in these relationships.  Yes, the attachment is intense, but could it be that we actually are a bigger part of what makes it powerful and we've assigned that to them."

This is also the result of projection. Before understanding the whole thing, we think we are what we are and feel what we feel because of them. Once we break the mirror and stop thinking we = they, we realize that what we feel belongs to us, only to us. My T told me "break the mirror!". And she was right. It took me time to understand this. It takes time, the grief work takes time, but this time will be well spent only when we really start the grief work, which is accepting the loss.
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Chitowngal
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« Reply #33 on: December 08, 2010, 08:23:04 AM »

Our sex life was amazing.  Best I've ever experienced.  Weirdest thing:  he never would make one... .single... .sound during it.  I found that soo odd.  He blamed it on being from a big family, but he's a 43 year old man!  He would be absolutely silent, even when he was climaxing.  I am personally not like that, at all... .so I found it soo weird.  And yet, every... .single... .time between us, I not only would orgasm myself... .but we would together.  At the same time.  Every time.  Which just made me wonder if he was faking it ever... .cuz WHAT normal couple has that kind of synchronicity? Please.  He claimed he never faked it... .and I find it weird when guys do, (cuz they totally do), but yeah... .it was silently intense, and simultaneous orgasms... .EVERY time we've ever had sex. 
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Fubar
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« Reply #34 on: December 08, 2010, 08:49:29 AM »

How does a guy fake orgasm?

I don't think I'm unusual in that there's rather direct evidence of the event, and the lack of evidence would be rather hard to explain.
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Lydia
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« Reply #35 on: December 08, 2010, 08:51:11 AM »

Lydia, you say "Sometimes I wonder if we don't recognize that we are the passion creators in these relationships.  Yes, the attachment is intense, but could it be that we actually are a bigger part of what makes it powerful and we've assigned that to them."

This is also the result of projection. Before understanding the whole thing, we think we are what we are and feel what we feel because of them. Once we break the mirror and stop thinking we = they, we realize that what we feel belongs to us, only to us. My T told me "break the mirror!". And she was right. It took me time to understand this. It takes time, the grief work takes time, but this time will be well spent only when we really start the grief work, which is accepting the loss.

I agree.  Please say more about the we = they thing. I read another post where you talked about this, but I'm not sure I understand.  Are you saying I've projected my stuff onto him.  You know what scares me?  The more I read and learn about this disorder, the more confused I get about who really had the problem.  The only difference, once it's all shook out, seems to be that he lacked empathy, was impulsive to the point of causing grave problems, couldn't be honest, and could not regulate his emotions, but I used to think abandonment was his issue not mine (not true), that he was insecure (so was I), that he projected (isn't that what you're saying we do?).  I do see where even shred issues were a bigger deal to him and I get that the relationship helped me see mine, but once I started to become aware of how many issues I had, it helped me to forgive him, but has also left me with this idea that I am not quite as healthy as I thought I was.  
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Lydia
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« Reply #36 on: December 08, 2010, 08:54:06 AM »

How does a guy fake orgasm?

I don't think I'm unusual in that there's rather direct evidence of the event, and the lack of evidence would be rather hard to explain.

Yeah. How does a man pull that off?  But, I get the no noise thing.  Have you ever seen that movie with Michelle Phieffer (sp) and Sylvester Salone.  There's a great scene in there where she helps him unlease his primal yell.  Too funny.  But, on a more serious note, my ex wasn't in touch with himself enough to feel free.  Even when he cried, once, I had to ask him if he was laughing or crying.  He was really out of touch with his feelings. 
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Fubar
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« Reply #37 on: December 08, 2010, 09:02:16 AM »

Lydia, you say "Sometimes I wonder if we don't recognize that we are the passion creators in these relationships.  Yes, the attachment is intense, but could it be that we actually are a bigger part of what makes it powerful and we've assigned that to them."

This is also the result of projection. Before understanding the whole thing, we think we are what we are and feel what we feel because of them. Once we break the mirror and stop thinking we = they, we realize that what we feel belongs to us, only to us. My T told me "break the mirror!". And she was right. It took me time to understand this. It takes time, the grief work takes time, but this time will be well spent only when we really start the grief work, which is accepting the loss.

I agree.  Please say more about the we = they thing. I read another post where you talked about this, but I'm not sure I understand.  Are you saying I've projected my stuff onto him.  You know what scares me?  The more I read and learn about this disorder, the more confused I get about who really had the problem.  The only difference, once it's all shook out, seems to be that he lacked empathy, was impulsive to the point of causing grave problems, couldn't be honest, and could not regulate his emotions, but I used to think abandonment was his issue not mine (not true), that he was insecure (so was I), that he projected (isn't that what you're saying we do?).  I do see where even shred issues were a bigger deal to him and I get that the relationship helped me see mine, but once I started to become aware of how many issues I had, it helped me to forgive him, but has also left me with this idea that I am not quite as healthy as I thought I was.  

I think the difference is that (from what I'm seeing here, at least) "we" are able to question our own behavior and are willing to look in the mirror.  In my case, denial was a big piece of my life.  But when my behavior started spiraling out of control, I had self awareness enough to seek help and accept it.  As much as I loathed the idea that I might suffer from an addiction, I took my counselor's advice and explored SAA.  "We" are capable of looking in the mirror.
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grimalkin
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« Reply #38 on: December 08, 2010, 09:02:44 AM »



Part of my plan included sexual performance.  I learned early on the power a woman can have over a man.  Now, I wasn't aware of the dynamic until I had some therapy and realized it was all tied in with being sexually abused and abandoned by my parents.  Also, I didn't learn about physical boundaries, so before treatment I was more of an anything goes girl.  I recieved very little pleasure from sex.  Orgasm wasn't the goal, connection wasn't the goal either.  The excitement was from the power.  Sort of like 'see, I can make you love me.'

I went through that, too.  In fact the first time I was able to both connect emotionally and receive pleasure was with my evBPbf.  He was so emotionally intense and was so into pleasing me that I didn't need or want to remain distant, nor would I have been able too, actually.  Pretty sad overall, since I was 37 when we got together.  It's killing me that I had to lose that when I broke up with him.  Now I'm not sure I'll ever be able to reach that place again.  Probably not.  At least I know what it feels like now so I can set it as a goal.  It was nice to let go and actually enjoy sex.  I had been with several guys before him and none of them seemed to know intuitively what to do like he did, even though he had only been with half as many women.  He seemed to use the same trick I did, simply imagining what it must be like to have the body parts of the opposite sex.  Simple, but extremely effective.  He told me I was by far the best he ever had.  I don't know how to feel about this.  At the time it was a huge complement, as I knew he meant it.  Now it just makes me so sad to lose the connection.

He would actually either giggle or cry after sex if it was particularly emotionally intense.  I loved that.

Grim
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Chitowngal
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« Reply #39 on: December 08, 2010, 09:31:18 AM »

I know, I know... .how can a guy fake an orgasm... .well... .okay... .I'll try to be a non graphic as possible, (my exBPDbf had a vasectoemy), and yes "evidence" still occured... .but we didn't need to use anything for birth control... .when it's like that... .and you THINK he's climaxed... .and yes, the woman usually has some clean up to do afterwards, but sometimes, it can be hot enough for her that it's difficult to tell what is "her" and what is "him"... .in the aftermath.

make any sense?

(yeah, I tried really hard not to be too gross there). 
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Lydia
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« Reply #40 on: December 08, 2010, 09:47:38 AM »



Part of my plan included sexual performance.  I learned early on the power a woman can have over a man.  Now, I wasn't aware of the dynamic until I had some therapy and realized it was all tied in with being sexually abused and abandoned by my parents.  Also, I didn't learn about physical boundaries, so before treatment I was more of an anything goes girl.  I recieved very little pleasure from sex.  Orgasm wasn't the goal, connection wasn't the goal either.  The excitement was from the power.  Sort of like 'see, I can make you love me.'

I went through that, too.  In fact the first time I was able to both connect emotionally and receive pleasure was with my evBPbf.  He was so emotionally intense and was so into pleasing me that I didn't need or want to remain distant, nor would I have been able too, actually.  Pretty sad overall, since I was 37 when we got together.  It's killing me that I had to lose that when I broke up with him.  Now I'm not sure I'll ever be able to reach that place again.  Probably not.  At least I know what it feels like now so I can set it as a goal.  It was nice to let go and actually enjoy sex.  I had been with several guys before him and none of them seemed to know intuitively what to do like he did, even though he had only been with half as many women.  He seemed to use the same trick I did, simply imagining what it must be like to have the body parts of the opposite sex.  Simple, but extremely effective.  He told me I was by far the best he ever had.  I don't know how to feel about this.  At the time it was a huge complement, as I knew he meant it.  Now it just makes me so sad to lose the connection.

He would actually either giggle or cry after sex if it was particularly emotionally intense.  I loved that.

Grim

Let's not forget that part of what we're talking about here has nothing to do with BPD or us, but is a natural progression of sexual developement for women.  I talked about this with a therapist who assured me that 'mature' women just naturally gravitate towards owing their own sexuality and they become aware of what pleases them and how to achieve that pleasure.  That's why young men like older women. 

I think we can all have great experiences with a normal person.  I have to believe that 'cause I'm not willing to settle in this department just like I'm not willing to take crazy every other day in order to have great sex.  Let's all pretend we know we can have something better and see if there's any validity to the laws of attraction.  ha.
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DC Daniel
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« Reply #41 on: December 08, 2010, 09:52:55 AM »

Lydia, you say "Sometimes I wonder if we don't recognize that we are the passion creators in these relationships.  Yes, the attachment is intense, but could it be that we actually are a bigger part of what makes it powerful and we've assigned that to them."

This is also the result of projection. Before understanding the whole thing, we think we are what we are and feel what we feel because of them. Once we break the mirror and stop thinking we = they, we realize that what we feel belongs to us, only to us. My T told me "break the mirror!". And she was right. It took me time to understand this. It takes time, the grief work takes time, but this time will be well spent only when we really start the grief work, which is accepting the loss.

Excellent, excellent post... This is so true... And goes way behind sex... I'll give you an example... My sister was badly injured and paralyzed when I was 17... For many years after I convinced myself that as long as my sister suffered I could never truly be happy... When I met my ex and we started the most intense relationship of my life, I felt that she had shattered that sense that I had developed. I had finally found someone that made happy, in fact happier than ever before... Fast forward 4 years later during my divorce... I mentioned this "fact" to my therapist... .And it took a short while, but after some reflection i realized that the happiness I felt came from me! That the exhilaration, dedication, pursuit of her, invigoration, all these things were not because of her... They were simply qualities awakened within me that were either dormant or I didn't know existed... At the end of the day I can only be grateful of the experience because it helped me understand MYSELF better...

Thanks for that post... It really makes sense.
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grimalkin
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« Reply #42 on: December 08, 2010, 09:55:36 AM »



Part of my plan included sexual performance.  I learned early on the power a woman can have over a man.  Now, I wasn't aware of the dynamic until I had some therapy and realized it was all tied in with being sexually abused and abandoned by my parents.  Also, I didn't learn about physical boundaries, so before treatment I was more of an anything goes girl.  I recieved very little pleasure from sex.  Orgasm wasn't the goal, connection wasn't the goal either.  The excitement was from the power.  Sort of like 'see, I can make you love me.'

I went through that, too.  In fact the first time I was able to both connect emotionally and receive pleasure was with my evBPbf.  He was so emotionally intense and was so into pleasing me that I didn't need or want to remain distant, nor would I have been able too, actually.  Pretty sad overall, since I was 37 when we got together.  It's killing me that I had to lose that when I broke up with him.  Now I'm not sure I'll ever be able to reach that place again.  Probably not.  At least I know what it feels like now so I can set it as a goal.  It was nice to let go and actually enjoy sex.  I had been with several guys before him and none of them seemed to know intuitively what to do like he did, even though he had only been with half as many women.  He seemed to use the same trick I did, simply imagining what it must be like to have the body parts of the opposite sex.  Simple, but extremely effective.  He told me I was by far the best he ever had.  I don't know how to feel about this.  At the time it was a huge complement, as I knew he meant it.  Now it just makes me so sad to lose the connection.

He would actually either giggle or cry after sex if it was particularly emotionally intense.  I loved that.

Grim

Let's not forget that part of what we're talking about here has nothing to do with BPD or us, but is a natural progression of sexual developement for women.  I talked about this with a therapist who assured me that 'mature' women just naturally gravitate towards owing their own sexuality and they become aware of what pleases them and how to achieve that pleasure.  That's why young men like older women. 

I think we can all have great experiences with a normal person.  I have to believe that 'cause I'm not willing to settle in this department just like I'm not willing to take crazy every other day in order to have great sex.  Let's all pretend we know we can have something better and see if there's any validity to the laws of attraction.  ha.

Just a high bar to set for me personally, especially since he was the first one to pull it off.  

I have to ask, then-- why would an older guy want to be with young women, when young women don't enjoy sex as much or even know what they like?  I guess it's the allure of inexperience-- they'll take what you give them and won't question.

That came out cattier than I meant it to be.  I AM disturbed by it, now that I'm no longer in my 20s.  I guess I can always go find me a younger guy who'll appreciate my talents  

Grim
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Lydia
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« Reply #43 on: December 08, 2010, 10:27:09 AM »



Part of my plan included sexual performance.  I learned early on the power a woman can have over a man.  Now, I wasn't aware of the dynamic until I had some therapy and realized it was all tied in with being sexually abused and abandoned by my parents.  Also, I didn't learn about physical boundaries, so before treatment I was more of an anything goes girl.  I recieved very little pleasure from sex.  Orgasm wasn't the goal, connection wasn't the goal either.  The excitement was from the power.  Sort of like 'see, I can make you love me.'

I went through that, too.  In fact the first time I was able to both connect emotionally and receive pleasure was with my evBPbf.  He was so emotionally intense and was so into pleasing me that I didn't need or want to remain distant, nor would I have been able too, actually.  Pretty sad overall, since I was 37 when we got together.  It's killing me that I had to lose that when I broke up with him.  Now I'm not sure I'll ever be able to reach that place again.  Probably not.  At least I know what it feels like now so I can set it as a goal.  It was nice to let go and actually enjoy sex.  I had been with several guys before him and none of them seemed to know intuitively what to do like he did, even though he had only been with half as many women.  He seemed to use the same trick I did, simply imagining what it must be like to have the body parts of the opposite sex.  Simple, but extremely effective.  He told me I was by far the best he ever had.  I don't know how to feel about this.  At the time it was a huge complement, as I knew he meant it.  Now it just makes me so sad to lose the connection.

He would actually either giggle or cry after sex if it was particularly emotionally intense.  I loved that.

Grim

Let's not forget that part of what we're talking about here has nothing to do with BPD or us, but is a natural progression of sexual developement for women.  I talked about this with a therapist who assured me that 'mature' women just naturally gravitate towards owing their own sexuality and they become aware of what pleases them and how to achieve that pleasure.  That's why young men like older women. 

I think we can all have great experiences with a normal person.  I have to believe that 'cause I'm not willing to settle in this department just like I'm not willing to take crazy every other day in order to have great sex.  Let's all pretend we know we can have something better and see if there's any validity to the laws of attraction.  ha.

Just a high bar to set for me personally, especially since he was the first one to pull it off.  

I have to ask, then-- why would an older guy want to be with young women, when young women don't enjoy sex as much or even know what they like?  I guess it's the allure of inexperience-- they'll take what you give them and won't question.

That came out cattier than I meant it to be.  I AM disturbed by it, now that I'm no longer in my 20s.  I guess I can always go find me a younger guy who'll appreciate my talents  

Grim

Because younger women are typically considered more beautiful, easier to control, and boost the ego of an older man.  If you check out the guys who need the 'trophy wife' you'll find that most of them are very insecure.  They need to attach themselves to someone younger to prove they can.  And, as hard as it is to admit, the bodies of the youthful are prettier.  Just as some women prefer men with large genetalia, some men crave the genetalia of a very young girl.  There's probably some who are a little twisted in the childhood department, too.  Just look at the costumes sold for Halloween.  Most, for the women, are of girly stuff or other professions that can be dominated:  waitresses, school girls, teachers.  Some men like the good-girl gone bad and with a young girl they don't have to ask for role play, they have it.  I don't know how helpful it is for a woman's self-esteem to compare or consider all of this.  I'm inclined to think about what I want.  Now, there's some revelation stuff to consider. 

Just as men want good girl gone bad.  I've wanted bad-boy, and that's what I've had thus far.  It no longer works for me, so now I need to see if I can be attracted to a normal guy.  I'm now turned off by guys with the bad boy image.
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sunrise2010
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« Reply #44 on: December 08, 2010, 10:36:49 AM »

Lydia, you say "Sometimes I wonder if we don't recognize that we are the passion creators in these relationships.  Yes, the attachment is intense, but could it be that we actually are a bigger part of what makes it powerful and we've assigned that to them."

This is also the result of projection. Before understanding the whole thing, we think we are what we are and feel what we feel because of them. Once we break the mirror and stop thinking we = they, we realize that what we feel belongs to us, only to us. My T told me "break the mirror!". And she was right. It took me time to understand this. It takes time, the grief work takes time, but this time will be well spent only when we really start the grief work, which is accepting the loss.

I agree.  Please say more about the we = they thing. I read another post where you talked about this, but I'm not sure I understand.  Are you saying I've projected my stuff onto him.  You know what scares me?  The more I read and learn about this disorder, the more confused I get about who really had the problem.  The only difference, once it's all shook out, seems to be that he lacked empathy, was impulsive to the point of causing grave problems, couldn't be honest, and could not regulate his emotions, but I used to think abandonment was his issue not mine (not true), that he was insecure (so was I), that he projected (isn't that what you're saying we do?).  I do see where even shred issues were a bigger deal to him and I get that the relationship helped me see mine, but once I started to become aware of how many issues I had, it helped me to forgive him, but has also left me with this idea that I am not quite as healthy as I thought I was.  

Lydia, I’ll tell you my experience. I’m not a psychologist, each one of us is different and has different issues and each person diagnosed with BPD is different. What I can do is tell you about me and T and you can think how it sounds to you.

Yes, he projected him onto me and I projected me onto him too. I felt his ancient pain was mine and he felt my ancient pain was his. That’s how the double projection was possible. This is the starting point. Clearly, I didn’t understand this when it happened. And maybe, even if our childhood was different, and his family was a family made of monsters and mine not at that degree, we really share some inner pain, even if I’m not BPD and I didn’t deal with my ancient pain the way he did and does. This also implies like I wrote in another post a symbiotic r/s in which each of us tries to heal the ancient wounds. I was sure I found the ancient needs met and didn't want to lose him because it would mean lose myself – because of the projection. The same with my passions etc. whatever I felt during the r/s. I thought it was possible because of him, because I projected my good onto him. But that’s not true. It’s only projection. I couldn’t leave him for many reasons: because he was also a good object which made me feel soo good, because leaving him would make me feel guilty for not taking care of him – which means not taking care of myself when I was a child. It’s all about projection, and once I understood this I understood so much on the dynamics of the r/s.

A r/s with a dBPD is so dangerous for the projection. I became enmashed, wasn't able to find my real self after I broke off. And it took me a long time to have it back, to "break the mirror" and feel "one" again also without him.

You say “but once I started to become aware of how many issues I had, it helped me to forgive him, but has also left me with this idea that I am not quite as healthy as I thought I was.” Well, maybe, if you think this way, you might have ancient issues that the r/s with a person with BPD awoken you: this is not being healthy or unhealthy, this might mean have some pain hidden somewhere, which I think is very different. BPD is BPD, a severe mental disorder. Never forget this.

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grimalkin
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« Reply #45 on: December 08, 2010, 10:46:22 AM »

Because younger women are typically considered more beautiful, easier to control, and boost the ego of an older man.  If you check out the guys who need the 'trophy wife' you'll find that most of them are very insecure.  They need to attach themselves to someone younger to prove they can.  And, as hard as it is to admit, the bodies of the youthful are prettier.  Just as some women prefer men with large genetalia, some men crave the genetalia of a very young girl.  There's probably some who are a little twisted in the childhood department, too.  Just look at the costumes sold for Halloween.  Most, for the women, are of girly stuff or other professions that can be dominated:  waitresses, school girls, teachers.  Some men like the good-girl gone bad and with a young girl they don't have to ask for role play, they have it.  I don't know how helpful it is for a woman's self-esteem to compare or consider all of this.  I'm inclined to think about what I want.  Now, there's some revelation stuff to consider. 

Just as men want good girl gone bad.  I've wanted bad-boy, and that's what I've had thus far.  It no longer works for me, so now I need to see if I can be attracted to a normal guy.  I'm now turned off by guys with the bad boy image.

Yeah, I knew that younger bodies are considered more attractive.  Younger women are also less likely to have had many sexual partners and have a longer fertility period than more mature women.  There is a lot going on biologically that men aren't even aware of consciously.  Just like more mature women like younger guys because of their higher sex drive and vitality-- this means more sex and better likelihood of pregnancy and healthier children.  Even if a woman doesn't think about these things consciously, it's there biologically.  There is something just plain sexy about a younger partner for a lot of people, and men and women both have their respective reasons why.

Kinda sucks that young women are the ideal while older men get let off much easier in the looks department.  Of course I find younger men more attractive generally-- I think most women do, but it's not really an issue for men what they look like at all, compared to how important it is that a woman look young.

As far as the bad boy image, there is a theory as to why bad boys are considered so enticing as compared to dependable types, and it all comes down to the vitality of the offspring.  Strong, tenacious, reckless men make for strong, tenacious offspring.  Again it all comes down to procreation.  It has been posited that that's a large portion of why why some women have rape fantasies.  Again, strong man, strong offspring.  It's not like we think about this stuff, we just WANT it.

Grim
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« Reply #46 on: December 08, 2010, 10:51:33 AM »

Do you think we can ever recapture that passion with someone non BPed?  I hate to think of all the time I spent in bed before I met my BPbf and all the bad sex I had, just because that was all that was offered.  Now I'm spoiled, unfortunately. 

Do you think it's possible we all learned how to be better in bed ourselves, just from the experience of being with a BP?  Maybe we can pass that along to our new partners.  I personally have no idea how to tell a guy what I want without making him feel like he doesn't know what he's doing.  Men seem very sensitive about that.

Grim
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« Reply #47 on: December 08, 2010, 11:00:31 AM »

Do you think it's possible we all learned how to be better in bed ourselves, just from the experience of being with a BP?  Maybe we can pass that along to our new partners.  I personally have no idea how to tell a guy what I want without making him feel like he doesn't know what he's doing.  Men seem very sensitive about that.

I personally will not use the sexual experience with my ex in any future relationships. I consider myself a very passionate person, especially with the knowledge I have earned over these last few months. Besides, I like it when a woman tels/shows me what she likes/wants. I would like to have more of what I believe is a more "normal" sexual relationship with my next relationship. As opposed to the seriously disfunctional one I have gone through. Man, I can't believe I did those things with the ex. What an idiot I was. But never again!
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« Reply #48 on: December 08, 2010, 11:02:31 AM »

Do you think we can ever recapture that passion with someone non BPed?  I hate to think of all the time I spent in bed before I met my BPbf and all the bad sex I had, just because that was all that was offered.  Now I'm spoiled, unfortunately. 

Do you think it's possible we all learned how to be better in bed ourselves, just from the experience of being with a BP?  Maybe we can pass that along to our new partners.  I personally have no idea how to tell a guy what I want without making him feel like he doesn't know what he's doing.  Men seem very sensitive about that.

Grim

I, at least, would welcome interaction with someone who has a clue about what they want.  But I'm coming from a relationship with zero experience prior to marriage, and very little during.
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grimalkin
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« Reply #49 on: December 08, 2010, 11:05:36 AM »

Well the responses are good to hear-- it's good to know some men out there like a woman who is sexually proactive. 

Grim
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« Reply #50 on: December 08, 2010, 11:24:00 AM »

Yes... .of course we men want a woman to tell us what she likes/wants.  That's the problem with a relationship with a pwBPD... .they are sexually uninhibited to a certain degree because it is all part of the dance.  They hook you in any way they know how... .and if sex if your thing, then they will become an artist in the bedroom... .My BPDw knows how to get me off better than I could myself!  Someone so dedicated to being your perfect mate, will do whatever it takes... .at great lengths, to make you commit to them and not abandon them.  If it were real it would be the most amazing love story ever told... .but the evidence is in (or at least at my house)... .it's not real... .it is a fantasy put forth only for my amusement.  Long after the crazy sex in the bedroom is over, the craziness still exists in the kitchen, the dining room, the family room, the garage, etc... .they are tormented and can't help themselves... .

What killed me was that no matter how great I thought the sex was (and she says the same), they still have a strong likelihood of cheating.  That is so crushing to me.
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grimalkin
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« Reply #51 on: December 08, 2010, 11:37:07 AM »

I personally will not use the sexual experience with my ex in any future relationships. I consider myself a very passionate person, especially with the knowledge I have earned over these last few months. Besides, I like it when a woman tels/shows me what she likes/wants. I would like to have more of what I believe is a more "normal" sexual relationship with my next relationship. As opposed to the seriously disfunctional one I have gone through. Man, I can't believe I did those things with the ex. What an idiot I was. But never again!

I didn't mean specific sexual acts.  I was referring to sexual energy in general.  I know I became more passionate and more able to connect emotionally and enjoy sex in general while I was with my exBPbf.  I was wondering if we as nons could carry over some of the positive things we had with our exBPSOs into our next relationships.

Grim
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« Reply #52 on: December 08, 2010, 11:43:32 AM »

Frankly, a discussion like this makes me wonder about the accuracy of my diagnosis of my uBPDw.

She is EXACTLY the opposite of everything being described.  She has, from day one, been what can only be described as frigid.  Sexual rejection and physical and emotional barriers to intimacy were the standard in our sex life.

She would become flirtatious and play at seduction when there was no likelihood of actual follow-through.

She did become quite adventurous with me AFTER she felt my emotional distance increasing.  But by then it was just a sad gesture in terms of resurrecting my passion.

28 years of rejection took its toll.  Although that wasn't THE problem in our marriage, it was definitely A problem.
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« Reply #53 on: December 08, 2010, 11:49:02 AM »

My 2 cents on sex, which was the thing I missed of my ex dBPD so much.

Some of us experienced the best sex of ever and ask themselves if it is possible to have it with someone else. What is good sex? Yes, there are some things we know we like in sex: the person – beautiful, how much beautiful? – the experience, etc.

I know sex was an amazing experience with my ex, he was so beautiful and experienced. Ok, there are lots of men beautiful and experienced if this is still important for me. But this is not enough. After him I had sex with other men beautiful and experienced like him, but it was just sex, nothing more. So, ok there are other men in the world who are good enough. But I loved him, and that’s the difference, I loved him and making love with him was a way to share what we felt for each other.

So, it’s not just a question of attributes, characteristics we look for having a satisfying sex or how much the other person is passionate. There’s something more: love.

The last time I made love with my ex was a good sex, of course, but not so intense because I knew inside of me that it was over. So, it was satisfying but not so intimate like it was in the past. And sadly what I missed was that intimacy we couldn’t share anymore.

Maybe some of us discovered the real pleasure with them, maybe some of us didn’t know what real pleasure was before the r/s – and I’m not talking only about sex, sex is only a way to feel pleasure in our lives. Maybe for some aspects they were the first we had some profound feelings for, and some of us are stuck on the conviction that only with them it is possible to feel that pleasure. Again, no if we don’t want to believe it is so. Maybe they were the first, maybe they were the only, but if so they were a gift which made us discover and experiment something which now belongs to us.

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BillP
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« Reply #54 on: December 08, 2010, 12:30:06 PM »

I didn't mean specific sexual acts.  I was referring to sexual energy in general.  I know I became more passionate and more able to connect emotionally and enjoy sex in general while I was with my exBPbf.  I was wondering if we as nons could carry over some of the positive things we had with our exBPSOs into our next relationships.

Grim

Well, this may sound egotistical, but here it goes. My sexual appetite seems have to grown quite a bit since I left the House of Horror. I'm 50lbs. lighter, and feel as though I have the energy of someone 20 yrs younger. I will not let this miserable experience ruin a beautiful healthy sexual relationship with the woman in my life. We both will benefit from this new reviltalized energy I have for sex.

The ex, even at her best, was no match for my sexual desires. It seemed that after about 6 months, she looked upon it more a duty she had to preform. Again, I think this stems from what daddy did to her. She couoldn't hang with me then, and she sure as hell can't hang with me in the future. It's her loss. That's how I see it.
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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #55 on: December 08, 2010, 01:53:52 PM »

Do you think we can ever recapture that passion with someone non BPed?  I hate to think of all the time I spent in bed before I met my BPbf and all the bad sex I had, just because that was all that was offered.  Now I'm spoiled, unfortunately. 


Yes.  Take it from the one who is currently in such a relationship (non-married-non-2 nonkids).

Porn star quality sex is not only possible, but happening right in the bedroom of your dorky married ordinary couple married umpteen years in a white house with a white picket fence.

The difference is that here it happens from utter and total comfort where you can reveal yourself completely, even the animalistic visceral side of yourself and so does the other person... .with no negative repercussions.  BTW, this is one of the dimensions of "Tantric Sex"---I am from the culture who creates temples devoted to erotica  (temples, mind you, not whorehouses) and wrote the Kama Sutra.

What changes the ordinary into extraordinary is our imagination.  The power and the perception lies within us.  Ahem Bhramasmi "I am God." 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Let us, as a further exploration of my comment, consider the semantics of the following words:

Reality

Illusion

Magic

1)  Reality is the stuff of daily life.  Making a living, cars, food, laundry, cleaning, brushing ones teeth... .

i.e.  a wooden puppet with strings

2)  Illusion:  The first date:  when you do not see the extent of work that has gone behind wearing that simple dress--purchase the right dress from the right store, the right make up, wear the right body shaping camisole underneath.

i.e.  the wooden puppet dancing on the stage, the puppeteer out of sight, with stings disguised by the right color of the background curtain.  We indulge in the willing suspension of disbelief and delight in the show.

3)  Magic:  Moments of transcendence, when the ordinary stands out in its complete glory, a sensation of perfection.

i.e.  a puppet with no strings, dancing on its own.

-----------------------------------------------------

What brings on the transcendence?  Is the power in the object or in the perceiver?  A stone image, or the Cross or the Menorah... .does it have an intrinsic magical quality or is the power given by the perceiver?

----------------------------------------------------

Magical moments take an enormous amount of energy and imagination to produce.  They are like all our brain synapses connected simultaneously.  Repeated--they burn a person out.  What you feel with the BPD sufferer is that intensity, that transcendence that a person craves.  It can come from sex, from hugging your child, watching a brilliantly produced theatrical production, a great sunset... .

It comes from a work of art... .

BPD's produce and direct and you are willing participants in this grand opera of love and sex.

When off the stage, the actors are just human.  Like the adoring lover in Pope's poem discovered to his chargrin that "Celia!  Celia!  Celia!  S@^%s!"


3)  Moments of transcendence which occur when
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Humanity is a stream my friend, and each of us individual drops.  How can you then distinguish one from the other?
Undertowed
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« Reply #56 on: December 08, 2010, 03:10:06 PM »

My ex even told me that he felt 'connected' after spending some time with me.  At first I thought it meant he felt connected to me, but I later started wondering if it didn't make him feel connected to himself.  He had a problem with object constancy.  He told me that his therapist had recommended he carry a photo of me.  He didn't seem to care that much about talking to me unless he knew he was going to see me.  If we had a date, he would always pick up his phone, but if we weren't going to see each other and he felt I just wanted to talk, he didn't.  That seemed so odd to me too.  I figured if we couldn't see each other, we could talk, but it wasn't that way for him.  

YESSSSS!  That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me! I've been on the road working and I lived for phone calls from home.  I would call him but he would let 2 weeks go by and still not call me.  It started to annoy the crap out of me! In  our last argument I said "if I'm going to be alone anyway why come off the road at all?  Why pay to come back to town to be ignored?"

Thanx for writing that Lydia!  I don't feel like I'm in the frickin' Twilight Zone.

I'm so hoping you're right pallavirajsinghani!
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« Reply #57 on: December 08, 2010, 03:21:19 PM »

I have read these posts with the hope of becoming aroused.  That's how pathetic my life is.  However, I am curious if any of the people who have posted here, currently/formerly in a relationship with someone who you suspect is disordered, have children with that person?  The reason I ask is because I have a sneaking (and jealous) suspicion that all this great sex was before the first child was born.  Please let me know.  Thanks. 

~GD
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« Reply #58 on: December 08, 2010, 03:39:28 PM »

I wanna know too!  You might have to start a new thread but yeah, I wanna know too!   The two BPDs I dated wanted to get me pregnant within months of dating and I thought that was insane.  At the very least it would complicate the crazy sex.  My theory is that they really wanted to lock me down so they could stop worrying about abandonment.  So with that in mind, I'd be surprised if they keep up the porno moves after they have you locked in with a kid.
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« Reply #59 on: December 08, 2010, 04:02:48 PM »

I have read these posts with the hope of becoming aroused.  That's how pathetic my life is.  However, I am curious if any of the people who have posted here, currently/formerly in a relationship with someone who you suspect is disordered, have children with that person?  The reason I ask is because I have a sneaking (and jealous) suspicion that all this great sex was before the first child was born.  Please let me know.  Thanks. 

~GD

No kids.
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