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Author Topic: Help with the irrefutable criticism?  (Read 771 times)
Breakingfree9
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 173


« on: December 27, 2010, 08:58:52 AM »

Have you ever noticed that the BPD finds an irrefutable point to an argument and harps on it over and over again? Like, "I'm only trying to make sure my child is safe." How can you argue against that? When what they are doing is, by all accounts, an over-the-top reaction or a violation of your boundaries.

I had a wonderful Christmas and day after with D6.5. She received a pillow pet from my father for Christmas. It's very cute and she loves it.

UBPDxw picked her up today. About 15 minutes after picking her up she sent me a text message that said, ":)6.5 smells like mildew... .it's in her hair and her pillow pet."

This has been an ongoing thing for uBPDxw. She entered my house once a couple of months ago because she wanted to use the rest room. On her way out she told me my house smells like mildew. My mom visited and she said, "I do smell something, but I don't know what it is." It's an old house (built in 1947).

Since I live here. I don't smell it. My house is clean. I had my ducts cleaned. I vacuum my floor. I clean the hardwoods. The kitchen is clean. I'm at a loss here.

I know this is uBPDxw's new hook. She finds something irrefutable to which I have no argument and she harps on it. She did this about D6.5's bedtime a couple years ago. She did this about how I speak with D6.5 about a year ago (she claimed I only baby talk with her.) She harps on what type of food D6.5 and I eat together. Now, it's this mildew thing.

I'm just not sure what to do here. I haven't responded to the text and I don't plan to. I'm just curious if someone has an intelligent, mature way to respond to let her know that I won't be responding to this passive criticism.
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Manon46
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: divorced 2010
Posts: 1556


« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2010, 01:02:55 PM »

I don't think there is a mature way, I don't think there is any way... I think the only way to let her know that you will not respond... .is not respond... .everything else is only food for more...
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King1989
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broke up with her in October of 2010, Filed in April, Divorce was finalized July 8th 2011!
Posts: 311


« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2010, 01:07:29 PM »

I have to agree with Manon, there is really no mature way that I can think of.  I dealt with a lot of the same thing with my pwBPDs, my ex and her mother were both quite bad for it, but her mom mostly. And imagine when her mom talked to her and pulled her to her side, and both of them came at me.  Most of their hook was on "Childish" or me not being "a real man" etc etc. The best I could do was just sit and not respond, because lord knows if I responded in any way, they'd get something else and it would just become worse and worse.

Basically, my point, I don't think there is anywhere where the cycle is. You can try to be mature about it, but they might find something else and point out immaturity, who knows.
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david
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4363


« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2010, 02:01:21 PM »

I have been separated 3.5 years and I still get criticism. All of it is about our boys when they are with me. I've had false abuse allegations that went nowhere since I didn't do anything wrong. The boys come over and tell me all kinds of things. BPDw is sure my house has no heat. S12 and S7 have sleeping bags and they like using them instead of blankets. I've had emails about this and the boys tell me mom is still talking about it (3 plus years now) S12 indicated he told mom that dad's house is fine.

Last year and a half I took S12 to pediatrician for a check up. He was fine. His weight was 92 pounds. I went to police to ask about driving in front seat of my car just to make absolutely sure. The law in Pa is 8 years old and over 80 lbs. He started driving in the front seat. I recieved several emails warning me I was breaking the law. I replied with the info above. She still told me I was wrong ? I received an email just weeks ago that S12 is now 100 lbs and can drive in the front seat ? However, she also said he is not allowed to drive our tractor until he reaches 16 years of age. Been doing that for 3 years now. I put the email in a folder. No reply needed. Negative engagement is still engagement.
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2010
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Posts: 808


« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2010, 06:41:37 PM »

Excerpt
I'm just not sure what to do here. I haven't responded to the text and I don't plan to. I'm just curious if someone has an intelligent, mature way to respond to let her know that I won't be responding to this passive criticism.

"Just air it out and it will be fine."

Criticism: it smells moldy

Response action: acknowledge complaint and offer solution. If solution fails, then drop the argument.

Unfortunately, this is about jealousy and envy and the devaluation of your part time relationship with your D. That part time relationship comes with a part time Mother that has part time selves in her personality. Those selves swing back and forth toward good (reward) as when she's with her daughter and bad (being left behind and withdrawing) as when your daughter is visiting with you. You are representative of the withdrawing bad object that a Borderline feels within herself. Unfortunately, you have possession, if only for a moment, of her good object (your daughter.)

When your D is with her Mother, the part-time self of good is cast upon the D and Mother together -with you as the withdrawing bad object.

When your D is with you, the part time bad self comes out of the Mother and she feels a sense of jealousy and envy that her good is taken away. When the good returns, it needs to be separated from the bad and any object that returns with the daughter represents the bad. It is now a replacement for that envy and jealousy felt. The bad object is the doll (pillow pet.)  The doll must be destroyed for the good object (your daughter) to represent good again and the bad to be purged.

Hope that makes sense.

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Breakingfree9
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Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 173


« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2010, 08:04:15 AM »

Thanks for the replies! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

2010 -- that makes perfect sense. I've read several books about BPD and feel like I have a pretty good grasp of the pattern of behavior, however I never thought of this situation in the way you explained it.

Thank you so much for shedding that light on this subject.

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