BPD move on in rel. as quick as traffic lights change colors

[eastcoast]

Randomly today, I saw pictures of my exBPD with her new bf laughing, smiling, and kissing him. It didn't bother me to see the pictures (which is great but i did chuckle to myself b/c I still find it amazing how quickly they move on and act like their life is perfect happiness b/c of one person. Maybe I think this way b/c I'm still very new to this disorder and learning about it. What makes them move on so easily? is it that they always need someone there in close proximity? (i was 3.5 hrs away at school and 5 yrs. older which "scared" her; who knows if thats true)? Do they purposely pick and choose who they do this to?

[sarah1234]

I am still learning about this too. I will put simply what I think I have learnt about BPD.

They move on quickly because they have to. Once the feelings of rejection and abandonment have set in with the partner in the failing relationship, you become something bad for them. You can be as supportive as you like but often this doesn't help. Their feelings and emotions are hypersensitive and at times out of control (as you may have experienced). They can then find it very hard to tell the difference between reality and facts. If you ex has perceived a situation where you have 'wronged' her, then that is what she may believe, despite what you say. And the more you try to change her mind, the worse your actions appear to her, and she doesn't want to mirror you anymore. She needs to find and re-create the love and intense feelings she desires. A new relationship is the perfect place to do that. The new BF is a clean slate. Get away from all the bad awful feelings and get somewhere safe. She is doing that because she thinks she is protecting herself, rid herself of the feelings of abandonment.

Then after that, she doesn't want to remember any of the bad things. Those bad things (abandonment, rejection, shame etc) all make her feel awful. So going back to the previous partner, who is HURT and upset, and wants answers/blaming (and CHANGES) etc is not going to happen, because that is scary and she may feel unable to cope with any of those things.

So the new guy offers her a new clean sheet to start from, with all the intensity she needs to survive, and someone new to mirror who she can idolise.

You being so far away - it probably did scare her. She wasn't around to be with you all the time. She maybe set herself up for it all to fall apart. Internally nothing good seems to happen to pwBPD, they are not good enough. So they expect bad things to happen.

[Mason06]

You being so far away - it probably did scare her. She wasn't around to be with you all the time. She maybe set herself up for it all to fall apart. Internally nothing good seems to happen to pwBPD, they are not good enough. So they expect bad things to happen.

This is interesting.  My ex moved on within a couple of days with a woman who lives about 80 miles away--that's almost a 2-hour drive with traffic around here.  I sometimes wonder if the distance was by design--almost like setting it up to fail.  I lived 15 minutes away and I sometimes think I was too close because he probably felt he was losing "himself" with me.  His longest relationship besides me was with a woman who lived over 2 hours away.  Coincidence?  Maybe not.

It's easy to ruminate on this but trying to apply our logic to it just isn't possible.  Sarah1234 gave an excellent explanation for why they need to move on so quickly.

As far as who they pick and choose, I think some of us are just more vulnerable than others to their method of mirroring.  For reasons related to our childhood, we crave the attention they give us in the beginning and they in turn are able to feel like they have an identity by mirroring ours.  It temporarily fills that pit in their soul and makes them feel like they have a sense of self.  It doesn't last though because eventually they feel smothered by you and lash out at you to make you back away.  But when they realize they are losing you they start to lose their identity and the black void scares them so they beg for you to come back--and the cycle continues.

The irony of BPD is that it enables the person suffering from it to be in denial of it in the name of self-preservation--even though there isn't a "self" to preserve.

[restoredsight]

You being so far away - it probably did scare her. She wasn't around to be with you all the time. She maybe set herself up for it all to fall apart. Internally nothing good seems to happen to pwBPD, they are not good enough. So they expect bad things to happen.

The distance could cause two reactions, alternately. Yes, it may set off the abandonment issues, but on the other hand it keeps the engulfment fear at bay. I've read that often, a long distance relationship will work for a pwBPD.

My understanding of this subject at this moment:

They basically run back and forth on this seesaw (that's us!) in a relationship where one end is abandonment and the other end is engulfment. They can't find the center because their emotions propel them with too much force. That's why there's push and pull, everything is a reaction to avoiding these two states, they will do anything to avoid the anxiety or emptiness.

They use triangulation (read definition) to ease any fear that they are at fault for this wild ride, and they basically straddle two seesaws, one still in wild motion from their action, while the new one is fresh and relatively calm, all while pointing the finger at the old toy, because "it's defective". Because the blame is placed on the old ride, they will never quite trust it again, even if it's "calmed". They jump to the next plaything, and the process starts again.

[sarah1234]

You being so far away - it probably did scare her. She wasn't around to be with you all the time. She maybe set herself up for it all to fall apart. Internally nothing good seems to happen to pwBPD, they are not good enough. So they expect bad things to happen.

The distance could cause two reactions, alternately. Yes, it may set off the abandonment issues, but on the other hand it keeps the engulfment fear at bay. I've read that often, a long distance relationship will work for a pwBPD.

My understanding of this subject at this moment:

They basically run back and forth on this seesaw (that's us!) in a relationship where one end is abandonment and the other end is engulfment. They can't find the center because their emotions propel them with too much force. That's why there's push and pull, everything is a reaction to avoiding these two states, they will do anything to avoid the anxiety or emptiness.

They use triangulation (read definition) to ease any fear that they are at fault for this wild ride, and they basically straddle two seesaws, one still in wild motion from their action, while the new one is fresh and relatively calm, all while pointing the finger at the old toy, because "it's defective". Because the blame is placed on the old ride, they will never quite trust it again, even if it's "calmed". They jump to the next plaything, and the process starts again.

I wonder though that different BPD role types may be able to cope differently with the long distance issue. The more assertive, higher functioning of those may be able to utilise the distance in their own favour, the weaker may find it overwhelming - although want to use the distance to their advantage, find it impossible

[eastcoast]

When I try to think back to it (so much stuff has happened its hard to pinpoint some things) she felt that everyone just up and left her... .and when i went to school she convinced herself that i was going to do the same thing to her even tho i didn't. But her mindset was fixed and we know when their mindset is fixed we are not changing it... thats when things went from bad to worse. but at the same time i was the only person she could talk to about her mom passing away, she didnt even talk to her friends about it, she would just drown the pain in alcohol or getting high and would drive... .and shes only 18.

She would ignore me at school, but still wanted me at her sporting events. So when i drove home 3.5 hours to see her, she wouldn't talk to me at the games or all wknd. and the cycle continued until she wanted me out of her life which by the way shes was seeing 2 other ppl. behind my back, the same 2 ppl. that treated her terrible

[modernman]

Mine definied herself by her current relationship.  W/O one, she was adrift and lost.

After the split, she went to the online dating thing... .(where I met her in the first place)... .after 4 months, she'd 'found the love of her life.'

three months after that, she moved to his town and bought a house.

so in six months, she's 'found the love of her life' and committed to a mortgage... .

the guy is currently going through his own divorce... .

my exdBPDlite freakshow was u.n.h.i.n.g.e.d. without 'being in a relationship.'

i'm sure they are enjoying the electrifyinig good times she can bring... .I give it a year before the cracks start showing... .

[2010]

Do they purposely pick and choose who they do this to?

Of course. Borderlines do not lead, they follow.

Borderline is an attachment disorder. It might be that the person they mirror has qualities that they wish they could have, such as a healthy sense of self or they mirror wounded people while appearing as saviors. Unfortunately whatever the mirroring suggests, it appeals to the partner and they also mirror and project back onto the Borderline the same qualities. Meanwhile, the Borderline "deficient" self clings to the partner in fusion.  You can follow the need.

If the partner has a healthy dose of self esteem, they will begin to notice a lack of separation/individuation on the part of the Borderline and try to peel them off. If the partner has a *un*healthy dose of self esteem, such as an vulnerable narcissist, they will derive their sense of worth from helping the Borderline stay stuck to them and prohibit a lack of separation/individuation on the part of the Borderline.

(Vulnerable narcissists can take on more than they can carry as they have been forced to do this for most of their lives in order to exist.)

Either way, either style of partner, the questioning of clinging behaviors become the perception of "confrontation" to a Borderline. That's when most of the Borderline lying and maneuvering comes into play and forms the bulk of the relationship.  All that's left is for the Borderline to find a new host to mirror and withdraw from the old. Healthy or unhealthy, the majority of people who fuse with the Borderline also "purposely pick and choose" who they give their time to- so often times these bonds are hardly broken when the Borderline moves on. It's when the Borderline returns and then leaves again that self-discovery begins for the partner.

[Mason06]

2010, could you please give an example of how an Vulnerable Narcissist behaves?  The terms seems a little contradictory and I'd like to better understand it.  Thanks.

[TheSomberlain]

You being so far away - it probably did scare her. She wasn't around to be with you all the time. She maybe set herself up for it all to fall apart. Internally nothing good seems to happen to pwBPD, they are not good enough. So they expect bad things to happen.

The distance could cause two reactions, alternately. Yes, it may set off the abandonment issues, but on the other hand it keeps the engulfment fear at bay. I've read that often, a long distance relationship will work for a pwBPD.

My understanding of this subject at this moment:

They basically run back and forth on this seesaw (that's us!) in a relationship where one end is abandonment and the other end is engulfment. They can't find the center because their emotions propel them with too much force. That's why there's push and pull, everything is a reaction to avoiding these two states, they will do anything to avoid the anxiety or emptiness.

They use triangulation (read definition) to ease any fear that they are at fault for this wild ride, and they basically straddle two seesaws, one still in wild motion from their action, while the new one is fresh and relatively calm, all while pointing the finger at the old toy, because "it's defective". Because the blame is placed on the old ride, they will never quite trust it again, even if it's "calmed". They jump to the next plaything, and the process starts again.

I wonder though that different BPD role types may be able to cope differently with the long distance issue. The more assertive, higher functioning of those may be able to utilise the distance in their own favour, the weaker may find it overwhelming - although want to use the distance to their advantage, find it impossible

Mine was long-distance and lasted 5 years... .

She is in a school with plenty of educated single males which a normal (yet still unfaithful) person would replace their SO with... .

I'm almost finished with a Master's degree.

She left me for an uneducated 22 year old with a 2 year old kid.

The first conversation I intercepted between them was her not being able to trust him. 

[cluelessinvic]

You being so far away - it probably did scare her. She wasn't around to be with you all the time. She maybe set herself up for it all to fall apart. Internally nothing good seems to happen to pwBPD, they are not good enough. So they expect bad things to happen.

The distance could cause two reactions, alternately. Yes, it may set off the abandonment issues, but on the other hand it keeps the engulfment fear at bay. I've read that often, a long distance relationship will work for a pwBPD.

My understanding of this subject at this moment:

They basically run back and forth on this seesaw (that's us!) in a relationship where one end is abandonment and the other end is engulfment. They can't find the center because their emotions propel them with too much force. That's why there's push and pull, everything is a reaction to avoiding these two states, they will do anything to avoid the anxiety or emptiness.

They use triangulation (read definition) to ease any fear that they are at fault for this wild ride, and they basically straddle two seesaws, one still in wild motion from their action, while the new one is fresh and relatively calm, all while pointing the finger at the old toy, because "it's defective". Because the blame is placed on the old ride, they will never quite trust it again, even if it's "calmed". They jump to the next plaything, and the process starts again.

when i was away, it was dandy, but then started getting distanced, when I got back, she found a good reason to dump me because of engulfment.


i'm sorry we all had to feel this, its a pain i don't wish upon anyone because you come to a point where you lose faith in your own judgement.

[Zero_Gravity]

Mine was long-distance and lasted 5 years... .

She is in a school with plenty of educated single males which a normal (yet still unfaithful) person would replace their SO with... .

I'm almost finished with a Master's degree.

She left me for an uneducated 22 year old with a 2 year old kid.

The first conversation I intercepted between them was her not being able to trust him.  


Similiar story here, it might not be the case all the time but in my case too long distance let the relationship live longer. I think her leaving me triggered with abondement issues and later powered by engulfment when we get back together after her cheating and leaving me which lead to another cheating.

Lets come to the fast moving on with pwBPD in relationships, yes they do and have to because otherwise they cannot take the shame and guilt (that's why they are projecting bad onto others). But there is one more detail that we nons should remember :

"Relationships and the person’s emotion may often be characterized as being shallow"

and combine this with the fact that : they are emotionally under developed. They have an adult body but think, feel and react like a child.

The way that they talk and behave you start thinking that this is a love of a lifetime for them. Unfotunately NO... Like every child they do over express their feelings.

And if you believe them (I did too) it might be hard to understand how fast they move on.

The fact is : you are not a love of lifetime of them, they just over express their feelings and those feelings are shallow from start to end.

If you keep this fact in mind it is easy to understand their fast moving.

Hope it helps.

Zero

[TheSomberlain]

Mine was long-distance and lasted 5 years... .

She is in a school with plenty of educated single males which a normal (yet still unfaithful) person would replace their SO with... .

I'm almost finished with a Master's degree.

She left me for an uneducated 22 year old with a 2 year old kid.

The first conversation I intercepted between them was her not being able to trust him.  


Similiar story here, it might not be the case all the time but in my case too long distance let the relationship live longer. I think her leaving me triggered with abondement issues and later powered by engulfment when we get back together after her cheating and leaving me which lead to another cheating.

Lets come to the fast moving on with pwBPD in relationships, yes they do and have to because otherwise they cannot take the shame and guilt (that's why they are projecting bad onto others). But there is one more detail that we nons should remember :

"Relationships and the person’s emotion may often be characterized as being shallow"

and combine this with the fact that : they are emotionally under developed. They have an adult body but think, feel and react like a child.

The way that they talk and behave you start thinking that this is a love of a lifetime for them. Unfotunately NO... Like every child they do over express their feelings.

And if you believe them (I did too) it might be hard to understand how fast they move on.

The fact is : you are not a love of lifetime of them, they just over express their feelings and those feelings are shallow from start to end.

If you keep this fact in mind it is easy to understand their fast moving.

Hope it helps.

Zero

Definitely. I appreciate your response. It is one of the greatest shams that someone can face in life. Things that seem to be too good to be true are usually just that.

[OverBoard]

Having her out of my life now 7 months, (Moving her out after 2.5 years and total meltdown of my life)... all I can say is she KNEW she had BPD and NPD as well as being bi-polar with a drinking addiction. Her words and I quote:

"I never, ever go on a mission without knowing the outcome. I move in and on with intent and go for what will benefit me in the end. It is not about the other person, it is and will always be about me and how I win the game. Love? How needs love. Sex? It will buy anything... just look at me. No one would turn this down. Sex sells and it buys"

enough said.

[cluelessinvic]

Having her out of my life now 7 months, (Moving her out after 2.5 years and total meltdown of my life)... all I can say is she KNEW she had BPD and NPD as well as being bi-polar with a drinking addiction. Her words and I quote:

"I never, ever go on a mission without knowing the outcome. I move in and on with intent and go for what will benefit me in the end. It is not about the other person, it is and will always be about me and how I win the game. Love? How needs love. Sex? It will buy anything... just look at me. No one would turn this down. Sex sells and it buys"

enough said.

for now... .  ... .in the near future, when she's all worn down and offering favours for money... .you can laugh a little at your self for being with someone like that.


from personal experience, when you boast about anything, it will crash, the world works in harmony.