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Question: Was your BPD realtionship a rebound or an affair?
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Affair (I cheated on a partner)
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Author Topic: SURVEY | Was your BPD relationship a rebound?  (Read 10902 times)
ShadowDancer
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« Reply #30 on: August 10, 2012, 09:52:51 AM »

Yes this bump was very appropriate for me and my circumstances. I was six months out of a 27 year relationship. REBOUND MAX! I was walking in a zombie fog when I met BPDgf. The first six months were as if I found heaven on earth. EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE O.K. Adoration, Love, Sex, Mutual Interests, Yada Yada. Then she moved into my house and immediately quit her job and the gaslighting began. My first clue(1 month after moving into my home) was finding very recent ongoing graphic sexual texts to her previous bf on her cell phone. That's when things began to slide for me. The lies were so childlike. She knew I knew better but she hung with her lies. I then found her Face Booking her previous husband from 10 years previous!red-flag . As I began to withdraw from this perceived unreliability her behaviors became more unstable and the devaluing began in earnest. To make a long story short when I asked her on Christmas eve if she was seeing someone else as she was leaving all dressed hot and unannounced she responded with "if I was you wouldn't know". I did not see her again for three days. She just drove off Christmas eve.  She returned with an attitude that I had no right to ask where she had been. I had her moved out within a 2 weeks time time. It took money and a car and me finding her employment to get her out. I felt literally like a hostage. She wanted to continue having sex but I refused. The plot thickens and she caused me much more grief since leaving but I have been 3 months NC and plan on holding to that. She(BPDgf) is on her second relationship since our parting. Still tries to contact me. I feel I did my separated wife such a disservice in this re-bound. She would like to reconcile at the present and I am still in a recovery process that I feel she would not understand and frankly one that I am even embarrassed about with my Therapist. But I am working on it and do hope for the best. I am also finding recently that I have a responsibility to myself and my family to truly heal and need not only forgive myself but also the BPDgf. The poor thing... .she must truly suffer... .I have an opportunity to reflect and repair... .her M.O. seems to be ignore and move on... .an empty way of life IMHO... .her future is not bright as she is no kid(45).     
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id-crisis
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« Reply #31 on: August 10, 2012, 01:09:41 PM »

My relationship with the BPD ex was after a divorce, as well. A couple years later, and i thought i was in a good place, ready for real love to come along, felt good about myself... .It really seemed like it was the real thing, too. I ignored a lot of red flags, though, thinking, I'm just getting to know her, this stuff will smooth out, she just had a rough life so far but with me things will be so much better... .Well, her patterns increased and the fights got worse, she really did abuse me and caused a lot of pain, and it knocked me down in a lot of ways. Now that we're apart, I don't feel very confident anymore. I couldn't see anybody wanting to be with me now, there's too much sadness, too many questions in my eyes. Do i still believe in love? Yes. Still want a good relationship? Of course. But i have to say, i feel way more wary about it all, and feel it may just never really happen. Going in, i felt about the best i'd ever felt. Coming out? About the worst. I don't feel it was a 'rebound' as much as i was ready for something real. Well, it's about as real as it gets, with all of these illusions tossed in as well. It's made me really look at myself to see how i could have attracted someone like this, been with someone like this, put up with stuff like this... .I may be kind of needy, but i surely didn't need any of this. It's like i have to start all over again, building confidence, reclaiming the good vision of myself that i once had... .Hoping the next time, if there is one, it won't be a rebound or another BPD experience.

Snap in every way, except I had been single for 5 years and believed I was in an excellent position (having learnt from past abusive relationships and living by myself) to enter into a new one. Boy did I think  knew what I was doing, but like you... .I ignored so many red flags 
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forgottenarm
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« Reply #32 on: August 10, 2012, 08:26:22 PM »

oh my gosh, I was only 2 months out of a 13 year marriage, so I guess so.  He was about 6 months out of his, so rebound-squared.  But can you call a 5 year r/s a rebound?
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ellil
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« Reply #33 on: September 10, 2012, 10:47:28 AM »

Mine was the classic notion of a rebound: a few month's out of a very long-time marriage, 28 years together with a non, 22 of them married. I was like a kid in a candy store.

M
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brokenspring

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« Reply #34 on: September 10, 2012, 12:09:52 PM »

I started seeing "my" exBPD 8 months after coming out of a 10 year marriage, she played me properly, said and did all the right things,its like they can smell the sadness and desperation in our lives and feed off of it! Then once you open up to them they know they have you and the real them comes out, which then just makes us more insecure and confused! BPD`s you cant live with and you cant... .!
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« Reply #35 on: September 10, 2012, 02:14:22 PM »

Excerpt
I ended up hooking up with my exBPD which sparked my divorce.

yea, that's my situation. my ex wife met someone else and I was still married and living with the wife but fell totally in love with my BPD baby and the beginning was heaven but she moved in after my wife moved out and wow did things change. There were constant bizarre accusations thrown at me and our seeming happiness could turn on an irrational dime into raging chaotic conflict. Breakup/makeup, breakup/makeup, and I threw her out twice for suspicions of cheating that I later found out were true, but that she denied with lies so brilliantly constructed I have to admit there were times I was in awe of this remarkable skill she had. She moved away temporarily and I'd like to say I've had no contact, and I was doing good but have done some serious backsliding. She's going to need a  place to stay temporarily in 4 weeks so that's what has generated her renewed interest in me and i shouldn't bite, I know this in my head but we've been apart and like they say, pain has no memory. Engaging in this site helps me strengthen my resolve somewhat but at this point if I cave after everything I've gone through then I deserve the unhappiness that I surely will have invited back into my home and my life. 
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ramble on
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« Reply #36 on: September 10, 2012, 03:03:07 PM »

In looking back  I was in a rebound situation when I met the soon to be exudBPDw in my life. I had just gone through having a relationship end in one of those "it just wasn't in the cards" relationships. We had to go in separate directions due to family and work situations even though we loved each other. Still friends to this day I may add. Part of the breakup was caused by my working all over the country and working all hours of the day sometimes for weeks. I went back to the city  I was living in at the time quit my job and had got another one that did not require travel thinking this would prevent another breakup due to work.

After a year or so I  was in a local high end restaurant and met the BPD.  Looking back and knowing what I know now all the classic stages were present. But she idealized me in many ways.  I likely somewhat bored with my new job, my friends were all getting involved in long term relationships, my family was asking if I had met anybody serious yet, when we were dating she wanted to do everything I suggested, she liked all my friends, life was good... .Yeah right.  I blamed myself the first couple of times she went ballistic on me for being late getting home one time, and not calling right away when I went away for a night about two hundred miles away. Sigh... .
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darkstar
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« Reply #37 on: September 11, 2012, 03:24:32 AM »

yes I was a rebound, like the new guy too, and the guys before and the guys after. Did you ever see a BPD without an emotional supporter on their side... for more then 1 week? not me Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I think 1 Week until max 1 Month they can survive this with a little bit of hallucination and depression, then they act out and take the next available knight in shining armor.
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jdcthunder14
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« Reply #38 on: September 11, 2012, 01:06:32 PM »

No question for me. I went from one right into the other. Divorce right to the BPD relationship.


I was mirrored in spectacular fashion! She became all I was ever looking for. Great (based on lies however) for about 5 months and then the problems started. I have come to the point where I know I should have never gotten involved with her to begin with. She is very very attractive and younger so I wasn't thinking with the brain attached to my neck!

For me and I am sure many others this is why it is so tough to let go, between the mirroring and our vulnerability and whatever personal issues we might have... .these sort of relationships feel like heaven. Once it is lost it is difficult to convince yourself it wasn't.

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seeking balance
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« Reply #39 on: September 11, 2012, 01:25:39 PM »

Who wouldn't want to be idealized after getting dumped, right?

So, what does this mean for us all here right now - moving forward - what lesson can we take from this?
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talithacumi
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« Reply #40 on: September 11, 2012, 02:29:09 PM »

Mine wasn't a rebound. More like I was in the middle of a huge financial crisis/life change. Selling my house & moving with four kids 300 miles out of the city where they'd all been born/raised just so I could maybeget work with no money/no help etc. ... .and my uNPD/BPD/HPD mom, oldest son/girlfriend, and another "friend" who'd needed a place to stay for "a couple of days" but had all ended up living with me/not paying rent for several months.

Looking back, the little romance I started with my upwBPD in the middle of all this mess was supposed to be a distraction from my problems. When it started to become one (red flags GALORE!), I think I was too overwhelmed with everything else going on at the time to really deal with it. Just put the whole thing in the pile marked "important but not urgent," and did what I needed to do to get the house sold and move.

By the time I got to that pile six months later I'd gotten so emotionally enmeshed in the idealized fantasy self/relationship he projected that I genuinely believed the only problem "we" had was me and my unrealistic, irrational, reactionary, unwarranted, unfair, and paranoid boundaries, expectations, demands, indecisiveness, suspicions, priorities, etc...

Sigh.

Maybe the thing to be learned/remembered is that ANY life crisis - whether it's the end of a romantic relationship, the death of a loved one, a major illness, job change, household move, problem with the kids, etc. - makes us more afraid, more vulnerable, and more open therefore to making decisions that are ultimately not really in our best interest at all.

I don't know. Just a thought.
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recoil
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« Reply #41 on: September 11, 2012, 03:56:17 PM »

Rebound.  It was about eight months after my late wife passed away (was with her 14 years).  I've known this girl for 9 years though (co-worker).  She was more of an acquaintance.  I had always admired her beauty from afar but I was married.

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DepressIsolatedMeg
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« Reply #42 on: December 01, 2012, 09:39:09 AM »

My BPDbf and I started dating two months after I just ended a significant 2 years relationship. He also just ended his a few weeks before dating me. It happens really fast, and we never been separated since day 1.'

Just like many of Nons here, I was desperate to find someone to build a family with due to my ex's unwilling to commit... .(I was heart broken when my ex told me he will never get married to me because he wants to go out to see the world, and he told me not to waste my time on him anymore that's how we ended before I met my BPDbf.)

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JimNelson89
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« Reply #43 on: December 03, 2012, 07:40:07 PM »

seeking balance -

My relationship with my wife of 17 years ended abruptly when she died of cancer.  I took it very hard and was grieving and lost, when I met my new partner/wife.  I did not give the relationship the time it needed.  I was emotionally needy and wanted my old life back.

So it was a rebound and I wanted to signal to my parents that I was ok.  It is really hard when you go to visit the family and there's a photo or someone says something that triggers some distant memory and a tear comes out of your eyes.  You then proceed to have a meltdown.  I remember feeling embarrassed.  Then everyone want to come and make you happy, like you are some broken toy and are not supposed to be sad, etc.  But really people need to grieve, just accept that they will be sad.  Don't try to make them happy.
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laelle
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« Reply #44 on: June 29, 2013, 09:24:53 AM »

I met my ex while I was in a very bad marriage.  I lived a very sheltered existence.  We talked many hours about how I wanted normalcy.  To be that person who

went to bbq's and had a few beers with their friends.  He wanted the same things.  I thought we had gone from a friendship to romantic relationship.

In reality his fishing line and bait had just caught himself a fish.  I bought it hook, line and sinker.  From day one there was a part of me that told me to stop this relationship.

Everyone else saw it for what it was.  Why couldnt I?
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flynavy
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« Reply #45 on: June 29, 2013, 09:34:00 AM »

Yes... . I was hurting for love... . companionship... . closeness after my wife passed away from a 7 year battle with cancer!
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sirius
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« Reply #46 on: May 01, 2014, 10:24:44 AM »

I met my uBPDgf a month after a BU with a normal R/S, i did not see the red flags or perhaps choose to ignore it... . and i guess at that time she knew i was vulnerable and swept me off my feet... . 12 years later 2 months ago, she left... .

12years of rollercoaster and my life is now like after a trunami
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #47 on: May 01, 2014, 09:57:26 PM »

Interesting topic.  I guess in retrospect it was a rebound relationship.  Had been separated from my husband for just over a year.  Met him.  Wasn't really "jazzed" at the first meeting but thought I need to go out with somebody sometime.  Was completely hooked in about two weeks.

My xHB literally went off the rails.  I gave him an ultimatum.  I said you need to leave until you get some help.  We had a child.  Ended up being diagnosed BiPolar.  Went on meds and for awhile I got my husband and my life back.  Then he went off meds and I'll spare you all the rest of it.  In any case I wasn't sure if I'd ever even date again.  But I was sure if I did it would be someone who was emotionally healthy and valued me.  I was really happy with my life.  Then I met him.  What scares me is that during our first break up  (with BPD) I dated a couple of guys who were "healthy" and who did value me.  Both guys who had been through a lot of crap with their Xwives.  We could empathize... . you know?  One of the guy's xWife was BPD.  Yet I went back to him.  And he dumped me again.  And now I'm a total mess again.  So clearly he's not the only one with relationship "issues". 
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coolioqq
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« Reply #48 on: May 02, 2014, 12:12:57 PM »

Yes, in a way. Although not an immediate one, as my ex is not attractive enough to secure instant replacements. Much of our dating was spent talking about her most recent ex. There were many obvious red flags that I chose to ignore (she was literally ruminating during some of our dates). I also think that is also telling of me as much as it is about her. I am doing serious work on being insistent on my own needs: an emotionally healthy partner or nothing.
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iluminati
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« Reply #49 on: January 11, 2017, 09:59:27 AM »

My relationship with someone with BPD wasn't a rebound.  I had been since for a year and change, and was happy playing the field when she expressed interest.  I guess it happens to all of us.
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pjstock42
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« Reply #50 on: January 11, 2017, 11:12:45 AM »

This topic hits really close to home.

I've shared this in other topics before but long story short, I met my BPD ex literally 2 days after a painful exit from a 6 year relationship that was overwhelmingly healthy. I did not go out seeking any dates etc., it was all just an incredibly unlucky series of events and emotions that led me into the web of my BPD ex.

I remember so well that the night I met her, I had run an errand at a store nearby my favorite bar and just felt like going home but it was my first Friday evening in my new city and I felt like I should head over there just to have a drink. I wouldn't say that I was incredibly sad/morose but I definitely wasn't feeling great due to the very recent end of my relationship. It was pure coincidence that I found myself sitting next to my BPD ex as the bar emptied out and we entered into a 2+ hour conversation that culminated in her asking for my number and texting me to see me the next night right after I left.

All of that aside, the combination of being in a weakened emotional state due to the breakup combined with the almost instantaneous idealization/love-bombing coming from her made me so incredibly susceptible to getting involved with her. That love-bombing & pedestalization is powerful to anyone but especially so when you are dealing with the fresh wounds of a failed long term relationship. I'll always wonder what my life would be like today if I had never decided to go to the bar that night but revisionist history isn't going to help me at all.
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SamwizeGamgee
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« Reply #51 on: January 11, 2017, 03:37:40 PM »

Uncomfortable truth.  This cuts and still hurts almost 20 years later.
I was several years into in a very positive, deep relationship that I / we ended on logical terms (job took me a long distance, and we were different religions).  I got settled in my new track, considered I was in a station in life that I should get married.  I found an eligible girl of the same faith, and figured it was a good enough match.  I was still heartsick from the ending of my previous relationship, and I stupidly thought (I guess) that my future relationships would be a positive and logical.  It was a rebound.  I must have thought what I wanted to think, or seen what I wanted to see, because I flew past all kinds of red flags. 
I remember the profound regret and depression that came immediately upon getting married.
I'd like to wipe that one decision from my life. 
Alas.
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« Reply #52 on: January 11, 2017, 04:17:57 PM »

I was already in a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship for 10 1/2 years when I literally stumbled across my BPDex.  Unbeknownst to me the BPD's prior relationship of 6 years was falling apart. (I now believe that BPD victim escaped as well and out of necessity.)

I admit I was mesmerized by the BPD when I met him and look back and see just how many red flags I chose to ignore.  I now realize just how much energy he got from me telling the story to his friends of how I met him and how blown away I was by him.  He came to visit me in the US from Europe knowing that I was already in a relationship.  He had no idea of the condition of my relationship when he came to visit as we never discussed the subject.  He had met my partner at the time I first met him and judged my former partner to be very weak; too weak in fact for me.  He must have assumed that I would be easy prey.  I realize now he also had a plan "B" in place if he would have not been able to seduce me or if his plan backfired.

When the BPD came to visit, I was swept off my feet and my life changed.  I had to exit my current relationship at that time. (One the hardest things I ever had to do in my life but I now had a real reason to do so other than it just being "me".)  The new relationship with the BPD started and all my friends, co-workers and family were amazed by the changes in me.  Friends for 30 years said they had never seen me so happy.  I changed my decades old hairstyle, exercised, started eating healthy, etc. all at the insistence of the BPD.

I strayed from a relationship that was not fulfilling and in which I felt trapped.  Then, after the BPD came into my life I actually felt rescued!  I now see that I was captured by an interloper who with his own loss of having just been exited by his partner, was able to seduce me and whisk me off on a journey of which I still try to say the positives outweigh the negatives.  I guess one could call the experience a rebound of sorts for me; I rebounded from a dysfunctional relationship with a BPD after I had stumbled across one at the most opportune moment.  Interesting stuff... .             
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Infern0
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« Reply #53 on: January 12, 2017, 06:33:13 AM »

I'd say I fall under personal crisis.

But really I was just bitterly unhappy and lonely. Very confused about why my life was so bad etc. I had complex ptsd from childhood abuse and was heavily codependent. I was also unaware of any of this. Had no idea about red flags or how dating really worked etc.

I had mild depression for the 2 years before meeting her and was just getting by day to day, didn't really have any friends or anything. Then all of a sudden this pretty, fun girl wants to hang out all the time and starts getting a "crush" on me etc. Wow, what a change in fortunes! She must be "the one" everyone says I haven't met yet!

So I was an easy mark.

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