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Question: Was your BPD realtionship a rebound or an affair?
At a good and healthy time in my life
Affair (I cheated on a partner)
Affair (I cheated on a spouse))
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Author Topic: SURVEY | Was your BPD relationship a rebound?  (Read 10903 times)
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« on: January 29, 2011, 10:47:27 AM »

Hi all,

How many of our BPD relationships occurred after a divorce or after a significant breakup?  :)uring a time where we were perhaps looking at ourselves, but not quite fully aware of our own desperation for a relationship - making us an easy target to mirror and put on blinders?

For me, mine was about 2 years after an 8 year significant relationship that ended rather abruptly.  I had dated a few people, and was looking for that "special someone" to have a family with.  I was completely vulnerable and wanting to see the good - I easily overlooked and rationalized the bad; because of my own dreams, my need to have/be a family.

How many others found themselves with a BPD after having a "normal" significant relationship breakup?  Tell us about it and your state of mind at the time now that you look back.
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« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2011, 12:06:56 PM »

My relationship with the BPD ex was after a divorce, as well. A couple years later, and i thought i was in a good place, ready for real love to come along, felt good about myself... .It really seemed like it was the real thing, too. I ignored a lot of red flags, though, thinking, I'm just getting to know her, this stuff will smooth out, she just had a rough life so far but with me things will be so much better... .Well, her patterns increased and the fights got worse, she really did abuse me and caused a lot of pain, and it knocked me down in a lot of ways. Now that we're apart, I don't feel very confident anymore. I couldn't see anybody wanting to be with me now, there's too much sadness, too many questions in my eyes. Do i still believe in love? Yes. Still want a good relationship? Of course. But i have to say, i feel way more wary about it all, and feel it may just never really happen. Going in, i felt about the best i'd ever felt. Coming out? About the worst. I don't feel it was a 'rebound' as much as i was ready for something real. Well, it's about as real as it gets, with all of these illusions tossed in as well. It's made me really look at myself to see how i could have attracted someone like this, been with someone like this, put up with stuff like this... .I may be kind of needy, but i surely didn't need any of this. It's like i have to start all over again, building confidence, reclaiming the good vision of myself that i once had... .Hoping the next time, if there is one, it won't be a rebound or another BPD experience.
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« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2011, 02:05:15 PM »

Hi all,

How many of our BPD relationships occurred after a divorce or after a significant breakup?  During a time where we were perhaps looking at ourselves, but not quite fully aware of our own desperation for a relationship - making us an easy target to mirror and put on blinders?

For me, mine was about 2 years after an 8 year significant relationship that ended rather abruptly.  I had dated a few people, and was looking for that "special someone" to have a family with.  I was completely vulnerable and wanting to see the good - I easily overlooked and rationalized the bad; because of my own dreams, my need to have/be a family.

How many others found themselves with a BPD after having a "normal" significant relationship breakup?  Tell us about it and your state of mind at the time now that you look back.

I wondered if anyone was going to ask this question... great topic SB

Yep... i was seperated from my wife by 14 months when i got in the r/s with my exBPD... I had been with my wife 15 years and it was a very normal r/s and marriage, we started off in a small house and then as the kids were born we both worked our socks off to have a better standard of living and home for the family, we had vacations and did everything as family, we went out as a couple or by ourselves if it was a guys night or girls night... no feelings of lies, cheating or not being with someone who wasnt in love with you in the right way...

After that ended i was a mess a total mess, i signed away my home and the family unit i loved so much crumbled, my world had ended... hit my rock bottom, dusted myself down and started putting myself back together piece by piece, but i still had that piece of the jigsaw missing... someone who i could show i still was able to love and that i had learnt alot after the marriage ended and who should come along but this poor damsel with a story to tell about how bad she had been treated in past r/s... .the rest is history... i was the rescuer who got burnt to a cinder and as to start again just like he did 7 years ago but this time not knowing what was real and what wasnt
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« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2011, 02:38:46 PM »

Was married for over 20 years and then met the BPD almost a year to the day after separating from my husband.
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Moonbug
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« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2011, 02:46:06 PM »

I was divorced for 17 months before meeting my ex.  Marriage was normal, divorce amicable, thought I had grieved and was ready to move on.

I signed up one weekend for a free trial on an online dating site.  He was one of my first connections, and my only date.  That was it.  I justified not dating around because it was free, we had a connection, I tend to only date one person at a time, etc.  Mistakes.

I often wonder... .my friends are all married.  Same with their friends.  My family- all married.  If all the emotionally healthy people are married and only people like my ex are out there at my age (39)- what's left for me? And does that mean I'm not well, too?

I'm sad at my choices right now :-(

Moonbug
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« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2011, 02:56:01 PM »

I was divorced for 17 months before meeting my ex.  Marriage was normal, divorce amicable, thought I had grieved and was ready to move on.

I signed up one weekend for a free trial on an online dating site.  He was one of my first connections, and my only date.  That was it.  I justified not dating around because it was free, we had a connection, I tend to only date one person at a time, etc.  Mistakes.

I often wonder... .my friends are all married.  Same with their friends.  My family- all married.  If all the emotionally healthy people are married and only people like my ex are out there at my age (39)- what's left for me? And does that mean I'm not well, too?

I'm sad at my choices right now :-(

Moonbug

Hey you... lets not be having talk like that... all my friends are married and it is pretty daunting and lonely out on you own but if there are only unhealthy people left ( which we both know there isnt) then i for one would rather be single

Big hug for ya and keep smiling dear lady Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Moonbug
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« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2011, 03:02:25 PM »

Excerpt
Hey you... lets not be having talk like that... all my friends are married and it is pretty daunting and lonely out on you own but if there are only unhealthy people left ( which we both know there isnt) then i for one would rather be single

Big hug for ya and keep smiling dear lady

Thanks Joop  Smiling (click to insert in post) 
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Travis
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« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2011, 03:03:16 PM »

I was coming off an eight my r/s with my NPDgf.  She  discarded me horribly and cruelly for another man.  I was devastated and had become co-dependent.  I wanted to be with another woman so I asked out my current uBPDw who really helped me get over the NPDgf.  She was much younger, and very pretty and I was a bit shocked when she gave me her phone number.  We've been together almost four years, and married for aboout six months.  
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« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2011, 03:09:25 PM »

I was coming off an eight my r/s with my NPDgf.  She  discarded me horribly and cruelly for another man.  I was devastated and had become co-dependent.  I wanted to be with another woman so I asked out my current uBPDw who really helped me get over the NPDgf.  She was much younger, and very pretty and I was a bit shocked when she gave me her phone number.  We've been together almost four years, and married for aboout six months.  

Dont want to hijack the thread but i dont know you story travis ( sorry) but how are you coping? You are one strong dude man i must say
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« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2011, 03:44:40 PM »

Dont want to hijack the thread but i dont know you story travis ( sorry) but how are you coping? You are one strong dude man i must say

Thanks joop.  I don't feel so strong sometimes.  My uBPDw and I have been seperated for about two months.  We've been together three and a half years and married for six months.  We just decided to get back together and give it another try.  I'm a bit apprehensive but willing to put some real effort in and try to make this marriage work.

Thanks for asking how I am coping.  That means a lot.  I've been following your posts and you seem to be doing well.   
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« Reply #10 on: January 29, 2011, 03:59:18 PM »

[[/quote]
Thanks joop.  I don't feel so strong sometimes.  My uBPDw and I have been seperated for about two months.  We've been together three and a half years and married for six months.  We just decided to get back together and give it another try.  I'm a bit apprehensive but willing to put some real effort in and try to make this marriage work.

Thanks for asking how I am coping.  That means a lot.  I've been following your posts and you seem to be doing well.   [/quote]
Hey we are all one family here my friend, fingers crossed for you... yeh im not doing too bad thanks, up and down somedays but im getting there
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« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2011, 06:41:32 PM »

REBOUND? look it up and you'll see my picture. i was in a loveless marriage for the last 15 of 18 years... .no passion, very little sex, she 'just wasnt into me'.

when i turned 50 i decided i saw that the end was closer than the beginning and i decided i would not live without sex and love.

as fate would have it, i met someone like THE NEXT DAY (almost) who seduced me when i was on a business trip and i was so vulnerable i thought this was true love. i thought she was my soulmate. no one could tell me different. i wouldnt hear it. my T told me to WAIT AT LEAST SIX MONTHS and i would hear of it. i immediately told me wife i wanted a divorce, that i found my soulmate. i continued to ignore the warnings (the insecurities, the jealousies, the way her kids treated her) cause she was 'loving' me with a level of passion and sex (anytime, anyplace, any orifice) that i had only ever dreamed of.

two years later we were married... .and the nightmare began. when we were no longer long distance, and living in the same city, i was with her 7 days a week, and the terror began.

the almost nightly rages, the jealous accusations, the name calling, the demands for constant reassurance, the suicide threats, the constant daring me to leave.

well guys, i tried. i talked to her parents, i took her to marital counseling, i set my boundaries, and nothing worked. nothing even REMOTELY worked. one day, she crossed the line one final time, and i left. we have been NC for 3 months, and i consider every day i dont hear from her a great day. i have filed for divorce last week, so we are beginning that process, and i dread it but i must.  she thinks that i am 'bipolar' and if i get the help i need i will be back. hell will freeze over first.

i look at this 'rebound marriage' as the biggest mistake i have ever made, and i vow to heed its lessons as i move forward.
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« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2011, 07:01:38 PM »

I was a couple of years divorced when I met ex.  I dated a couple of women before her, but nothing serious at all.  I knew my ex before we started dating.  She asked me out, and I don't think I ever would have asked her. 

I have often wondered if she was a rebound, but I think I was in a pretty good spot by the time we started dating.
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« Reply #13 on: January 29, 2011, 07:05:32 PM »

I think when we are in rebound mode we project a aura of desperation and become easy prey.  When we are unhealthy we attract unhealthy people.  We also overlook at the Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  to be with someone.  I really was in bad shape when my NPDgf dumped me. 
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« Reply #14 on: January 29, 2011, 07:20:28 PM »

Divorced for 7 years and was about 1 year out of a 5 year relationship that was fairly normal including breakup.

When I met him I (like one other poster here said) was in a really good place emotionally.  Was feeling very strong and had the best self esteem of my life.  I was actually fine being alone and had been for a year.  Things were good.

I was unsure of him at first (should have listened to the gut), but he seemed genuine so I went with it.

Since it was the first relationship after a failed marriage and also a failed long term, I really was looking for "the one".  Thought I found it in him.

But I was wrong, apparently.Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  ?
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Hediditagain
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« Reply #15 on: January 30, 2011, 06:27:15 AM »

The first time I met my ex 20 years ago I was 18 (he was 27) and out on a Hen's night. We went to a club and he was working behond the bar. I really fell in love at first sight. So I kept going back and we got eventually got together. I moved out of my parents home (in the city) into his house about 50 klms out of the city. I was so young and so in love I really thought we would get married and have a family. I stayed for almost 3 years (just before my 21st birthday I left). I simply could not put up with the jealousy and the raging was getting worse. So I moved back to the city. He was cruel, very cruel to me he wouldn't even let me take my clothes but being young and back with my family and friends after 6 months or so of the push pull I managed to move on.

He tried to re-engage me every 12 months or so but in 2003 I had a night out with him as friends (although he tried to get me into bed  ) but then I changed jobs and met my husband. I have since found out that he did get married but it lasted about 6 months and he had also contacted my mother when I was married and she told him that I was married and have a daughter (she never told me about him calling her) she cannot stand him.

My marriage broke down in about May 2008 but I moved into another bedroom and stayed in our marital home for my daughter and financial reasons and then I finally moved out in October 2009 as my daughter was to start school in 2010 and it was inevitable that we would have to move and I wanted her emotionally ready for school.

After being in the new house and spending most of my time doing renovations. I called him in January 2010! I just felt like I needed to take my life back and get out again with some old friends ... .I always remembered his intense jealousy but I must have blocked the rages as I really had forgotten about it until it started again this time. It all went downhill very fast. I wasn't 18 anymore and I also had a child so there had to be boundaries in place. It was over by September but honestly it should have been over within months. I ignored the red flags and I really truly believed that this was going to be the happy ending as I always used to say to myself.

I absolutely would have kissed the ground he walked on (botht he first time and again this time) and he just had to ruin anything I had to give... .for anyone that thinks that time apart will make things different I am sorry to say it doesn't change as a matter of fact he is getting worse as he ages.

What I didn't realise that I was not over my divorce. I was so vunerable and lonely and that was simply why he was able to reengage me this time. I so regret making that phone call but in other ways I don't ... .it has really opened my eyes to be more observant of other peoples behaviour. My radar is probably a little over sensitive at the moment.

I've also since realised that I need to be happy before I can be in a happy, healthy relationship which has made me address other issues that don't relate to him. He's more N than B but I don't care what letter he is, he is PD and they all seem to manage to make their partners feel like they have emotionally been run over by a tractor!
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« Reply #16 on: January 30, 2011, 08:32:14 AM »

I think when we are in rebound mode we project a aura of desperation and become easy prey.  When we are unhealthy we attract unhealthy people.  We also overlook at the Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  to be with someone.  I really was in bad shape when my NPDgf dumped me. 

Sounds accurate.
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« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2011, 08:11:52 PM »

uh... .yeah!  Was still married and it was coming to an end because my husband was emotionally unavailable.  I ended up hooking up with my exBPD which sparked my divorce.  I know I didn't leave my husband for my exBPD because the problems were already there but he was definitely a catalyst to the divorce.  I've been in therapy and know that my husband's emotional unavailability made me crave the emotional connection that BPDs seem to excel at providing - temporarily.  I was desperate to keep that connection so I held on to my BPD r/s way too long. I was concerned about his mental health but I believed the words he said - that I was his soulmate and we were perfect.  That is until I saw him post similar proclamations to another woman on FB and then try to make me think it was my fault.  I still miss him so badly and that special connection we had  but I now know thanks to therapy that this neediness isn't about him, it's about my own emotional healing that still needs to happen.  Almost broke n/c contact but managed to struggle through.
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« Reply #18 on: February 02, 2011, 08:27:52 AM »

I was a couple months out of a 18 month relationship.  I'd accepted it, the relationship had had it's difficulties. 

Yes, I was lonely and wanting to be with someone.  I think that's a natural thing, to want companionship, love. 

ExBPD and I had a shared history many years ago.  He found me out of the blue on FB.  And yep, I was ripe for the pickin'... .and because of our past history, trust (utterly faulty tho it turned out to be) was already established. 
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« Reply #19 on: February 02, 2011, 08:29:58 AM »

Excerpt
Yes, I was lonely and wanting to be with someone.  I think that's a natural thing, to want companionship, love. 

I think so too.
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« Reply #20 on: February 02, 2011, 08:50:13 AM »

Excerpt
I'm sad at my choices right now

Oh Moonbug, cheer up!  It's better out there than you think!  First of all, where are you in the healing process, have you finished recovering?  Have you worked a plan with your T for re-entry into the dating world?  I could go on and on, but the bottom line is YES there are lots of healthy people out there of all ages that are looking for the same, great, healthy r/s that you seek.  BUT, if you aren't in the same healthy boat they are, you really don't stand much of a chance.  Like attracts like.  So let's work on getting you ready!

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« Reply #21 on: February 02, 2011, 09:12:43 AM »

Our relationship certainly was a rebound relationship but not for me, for HIM.  I had not been in a relationship prior to him but he had been. It's not a surprise to me now that I understand their desperate need to feel loved and even worshiped for how 'wonderful' they are. They turn it on full force in the beginning, then once you're hooked, the tide begins to recede.  Of course, we all know the trail of tears from that moment on.
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« Reply #22 on: February 02, 2011, 09:34:48 AM »

Our relationship certainly was a rebound relationship but not for me, for HIM.  I had not been in a relationship prior to him but he had been. It's not a surprise to me now that I understand their desperate need to feel loved and even worshiped for how 'wonderful' they are. They turn it on full force in the beginning, then once you're hooked, the tide begins to recede.  Of course, we all know the trail of tears from that moment on.

Mine was absolutely a rebound for him as well.  Although he assured me his prior relationship was over and he was fine, I got the impression later that he was only days out when he sought me out on FB.  

I think I was used to soothe his ego, and to hurt his ex.  And of course, I was used as a ticket for him to move home.  He was originally from my area, but had moved many states away years ago.  

Did he love me?  I believe he did in the early months, as BPD's are able to love.  But of course we know that sustaining that, for them, is impossible. 

Everything was wonderful for several months, then over time degenerated into a complete mess.  :)rama, push pull, Ex games, walking on eggshells, etc... .

I've seen a lot, but I can honestly say it was the worst, most hurtful relationship experience of my life.  

I guess the bright side is there's nowhere to go but up from that... .
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« Reply #23 on: February 02, 2011, 12:23:16 PM »

Excerpt
Oh Moonbug, cheer up!  It's better out there than you think!  First of all, where are you in the healing process, have you finished recovering?  Have you worked a plan with your T for re-entry into the dating world?  I could go on and on, but the bottom line is YES there are lots of healthy people out there of all ages that are looking for the same, great, healthy r/s that you seek.  BUT, if you aren't in the same healthy boat they are, you really don't stand much of a chance.  Like attracts like.  So let's work on getting you ready!

Awww... .Thanks thisblonde.  I think when I wrote that though, I was thinking more that I was sad about my choices leading me into and keeping me in the relationship with my ex. 

I'm in no way ready to even consider a relationship.  I'm so far from that now.  (one full week of LC down!)  I do know there are many wonderful people out there, I'm just currently seeing the world through very fuzzy eyes. The healthy boat can sail without me for now- I'm ok with that  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Moonbug
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« Reply #24 on: February 02, 2011, 12:47:27 PM »

Excerpt
, I was sad about my choices leading me into and keeping me in the relationship with my ex. 

Now that could make anyone sad!  But it's the right area to examine if you really want to make sure you don't have another experience like that again!  Hang in there, there's no need to rush!   Just keep working on you, and when the time comes, you will be ready for the good stuff, a nice, calm, smooth, healthy r/s. 
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« Reply #25 on: February 02, 2011, 01:43:44 PM »

Excerpt
I've seen a lot, but I can honestly say it was the worst, most hurtful relationship experience of my life. 

Me too.
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« Reply #26 on: February 02, 2011, 04:22:00 PM »

First I want to say thanks for this post as this is why I come back every now and then, to remind myself what really was... .especially when out of the blue I feel weak and think about reaching out... .yeah, year and a half out of fog and I still wonder now and then if I should reach out... .

Absolutely a rebound for me.  I had just gone through a tough divorce after a 17 year relationship/13 year marriage and I was in a dark dark place.  I was less than a year out of my divorce being finalized and my BPDexgf seemed to come out of nowhere and swept me off my feet... .my life, the divorce, whatever it all finally made sense to me and I was going to be better than OK I was finally going to have everything I had ever looked for or imagined I could have... .yeah right there's a huge red flag, WAY WAY WAY to perfect, I had won the lottery... .unfortunatly I doubled down and lost it all and then some, HA!
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« Reply #27 on: February 03, 2011, 01:51:09 AM »

Mine was a rebound. And you could say it was a rebound of a rebound.

I was married for 10 yrs. I developed an anxiety disorder, and my exh couldn't handle it.  He divorced me in 2005. It was a pretty normal marriage, but his first wife was BPD.  He had abandonment issues due to his parents divorce when he was 5. Some martyr issues, abandonment issues... .etc. He was married when I met him, but he wasn't totally honest about that. Red flag, I know, but I only know of it in hindsight.

aNyway, when he divorced me, I was crushed. Traumatized.  Took me 6 months to even get to a functional level-during that time I was staying with my family.

I then rebounded into a verbally abusive rel'ship with a narcissist. The same week I broke up with him, I met my exBPD. Although, we didn't date each other for a month and a half. HE got attached to me pretty quickly. I really didn't think of it as anything longterm, because we had an age difference. Now it's 3.5 yrs and about 10 breakups later... .
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« Reply #28 on: February 03, 2011, 02:36:45 PM »

Yep, big time rebound here.

Married 13 years to first wife. Met my BPDxw the same month my divorce was final.

We were married 6 months later. I was 39 and scared to death of being alone.
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« Reply #29 on: August 10, 2012, 12:57:35 AM »

Thanks for bumping.

I had been recently broken up with my BPD/OCD ex of three years before I met the current ex.  My previous ex was a very different flavor of BPD.  She wasn't deceptive, we spent everyday together.  There weren't any major sexual issues.  However, sometimes she would get mad at me if I made a silly joking comment and she would tell me to leave.  I thought it was absurd because she was serious, but I thought it was such weird behavior, I kind of laughed at it, especially after a few times of her calling me back minutes later or the next day.  I never felt like she was unfaithful, lying, etc.  But she was kind of a b---h.  We recycled a couple times and I was very sad to lose her.

I started moving on.  There were a few months between recycles, so it became a little less "solid" each time and the breakups were a little less painful.  After the last recycle, I started feeling confident and secure with being alone.  I was talking to women I found attractive, I was being flirty, I felt connected to the world again.

Then I met the current uBPDex.  Right when I met her there was instant chemistry and I thought "I want this girl! She is the one I have been searching for!"  It never felt so right, like this woman had been specifically designed for me.

So, maybe she was a rebound.  Not sure.  But she left her ex to be with me.  So I guess I was her rebound... .or supply... .or corner of the triangle... .whatever you want to call it.

I should have left then when I found out she still had a boyfriend.  But, as I mentioned in another thread, she made him sound pretty abusive and heartless, and she as the victim, so I made it OK in my mind.

And this is how it all started... .

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