What Have You Learned? [Testimonials]

[Madison66]

Wow, I've learned so much so far!  Here goes:

1. First and foremost, never stop living my values for a r/s!

All other are in random order:

2. I can't be part of a r/s clouded by extreme defensiveness, a lack of trust and/or a lack of commitment.

3. Pay heed to red flags and especially early red flags

4. Trust my gut feelings - if something doesn't feel right it probably isn't

5. When a grown woman with kids starts expressing jealousy about my daughter - RUN!

6. I own my words and actions and expect my partner to do the same

7. I can not love others unless I first love myself

8. Clearly define, communicate and enforce my healthy boundaries

9. A loved one should never protest or negotiate down my healthy boundaries

10. I will never, never, never, never date a woman who is in the process of a divorce!

11. I will always have a voice in my current and future relationships

12. I will work to create a strong friendship before pursuing a romantic/love r/s

13. I can not and will not have a r/s with an emotionally immature person

14. Verbal abuse is a "show stopper"!

15. I must be with someone who validates my thoughts, feelings and actions

16. True love and intimacy has to have reciprocation

17. I can not change or heal my partner

18. Validating someone's feelings or thoughts does not mean they can tell you how to feel, think and act

19. "Show stopper" if my partner doesn't agree to eliminate emotional outbursts or verbal abuse in front of the kids.  No way - can't happen!

20. I will know when to leave a r/s for the health of both me and my partner     

[Validation78]

These are some of the things that I've learned in the last 5 years:

Mental illness is all around us, some say 20% of the population suffers from some form of PD! Holy smokes!

There's no shame in reaching out to others for support and help when I need it.

Boundaries are necessary in every walk of my life, and I'm no longer afraid to impose them.

God is in control. I must trust that he always knows what's best for me.

Good things can emerge from pain, and I must thank God for the pain as much as I thank Him for the joy.

Faith is power and can lead me down the path I'm supposed to follow.

I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.

I am richly blessed with everything I need to lead a fulfilling life.

This is the tip of the iceberg!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Notthesame64]

what are you all here going to do differently next time around?

I think everyone has their own demons to battle and I don’t classify their battles any higher than my own just because they have BPD, it’s just a different type... . but I do know that I will recognize toxic signals this time around, where as the last time, I was completely ignorant about the whole thing.  Love is a strong feeling to go against.

My ex was a good person, and still is.  His issues and the treatment I received only made me stronger.  Was it hurtful and a devastating experience? absolutely!  But I have learned throughout this process that you can’t save anyone, you can’t love them past their pain and you can’t leave yourself behind to be a filler for someone’s needs or lack of.

I have stronger boundaries now and will never let someone treat me without respect, dignity, love again.   But that’s just me.

[LettingGo14]

Does anyone remember this line from the Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin) character in the Princess Bride movie:   "I have been in the revenge business for so long... . now that it's over... . I don't know what to do with the rest of my life... . "

Clip:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6-Dt1g2E18

The fact is, I have been in the xBPDgf business for so long (4 years), now that it's over... . I want to collect lessons learned (and not about her, but about myself).   Would love if others could share their experiences of "Freedom" (the final stage of detachment)  --  What questions did you ask yourself?  What answers did you get?

Two areas of inquiry for me will be:

1.  Why did I tolerate it so long?   What kept me stuck?  The FOG?  Need for validation?

2. How do I truly develop self-acceptance? 

Thoughts?

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I have learned that I will never give the silent treatment to someone. That's either a family or next Girfriend. I just won't. That silent treatment is the worst thing you can do to someone you love.  It's painful and utter ignorant.

[Exeter]

I posted my thoughts here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238074.0

[Kevrive]

Well, first of all I came here to learn new things about BPD to understand my loved one and her pain.

I read the five lessons of Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a Failed BPD Relationship because she is having troubles with her last failed relationship and I wanted to help her out with it.

I Learned that I can't fix her, that she is the one responsible to help herself grow, develope skills and confront her situations and condition.

I learned that even though I really love her and want to help her to be happy sometimes I caught myself falling into bad habbits and destructive behaviours in our relationship. Not every effort to help is actually helpful because she can misinterpret my intentions and that is pretty hard because one doesn't understan at first why she treats me the way she does when I inly wanted to help.

I learned that before start making things better I have to stop making things worst.

Also I've learned the difference between unconditional love and egocentric/co-dependent/conditional love. We are not perfect and even though we really love someone with our heart we can find ourselves loving conditionally or falling into co-dependence. I know that all my efforts may or may not cure my partner, but it's the intention that counts for me and I really learn a lot from her and her condition. We can't expect that our loved ones would change because we are trying to help them out, we just have to accept them how they are.

Wish you good energies and that your loved ones with BPD could be healed someday from that terrifying condition that affects them and everyone around.

With love:

KEV  

[outside9x]

Hi,

Good Topic.

Mine is depending on my mood.  Now in the missing mood which I thought I was done with.

But:

1.) You can't change them, only they can do that.  It's always and inside job, but if they do, you can support them .

2. ) As much as you would want and try, no matter how hard or how much love, it doesn't matter.  (See Nbr 1)  

3. ) What you miss is not really them, but your projection of times that where BPD - White(the high times)

4.) What you despise and get angry about  is the very bad times with them, again where they were BPD =Black

5.)  Think they will change if you go back without them acknowledging a problem is pure folly to go back.  (I do this thinking a lot but so far kept away)

6.) You have to love yourself more, and when you do, it becomes plain, you won't be with people who treat you so badly. (Moments of clarity!)

7.) Actions, not words, speak louder !  

8.) Admit more to yourself, that you are addicted to this type and type of personality and find out why.  (The good & the bad)

9.) Stop blaming them or talking about their actions etc.  Start doing something positive for you.  (See Nbr 6)

10.) Though it seems at times, you heart just aches for them, realize this is the chemical drug in your body from your relationship that still runs through you, with time, you will heal!

[Infared]

I have learned to be a better person.

I have learned how to protect myself.

I have learned to stop dating and have a peaceful rewarding life, with all my friends and time to spend with them!

I have learned that I can have money in the bank.

I have learned that I can have time to pursue my creativity, produce artwork and flourish as a human being!

[kc sunshine]

I learned I had a fear of anger, a fear of abandonment (in particular of being left for someone else), and a fear of being thought badly of. I also learned that I could survive all those things.

What did you guys learn?

[Herodias]

Don't fall for Prince Charming, I have a fear of abandonment, I was a little too controlling (when it came to things that didn't matter), I don't have to take any mental or physical abuse from anyone and if they start out doing it, it will get worse. Don't chase after people you like... Let them come to you, don't fall all over yourself giving to someone who hasn't proven they are worth the effort. Trust your instincts and gut feelings. Marrying for better or worse doesn't mean accepting the worst of the worse. I can be happy by my self, my needs count too. You can't change a person and you can't make them want to change. You don't have to make everyone happy or be afraid of hurting someone's feelings- they may not have any! Twice a cheater - always a cheater. Stay away from liars... .Don't date someone after they tell you they have spent several times in an institution,  people tell you who they are up front. Don't think your love will change them and encourage them to be better long term. I've learned allot!

[Turkish]

That I'm not responsible for someone else's feelings;  conversely, I'm solely  responsible for mine. 

[woundedPhoenix]

I learned:

- that i could care and feel deeply about someone else, try to give them everything they need, excuse their weaknesses and go to extreme lengths to try and rescue them

... .while ... .

- i actually ignored and denied my own needs, my own feelings, was hard on my own weaknesses, let me loose my Self and finally accepted to be bullied and be made into 'the problem'

- that i was running in circles using fantasy and denial as coping mechanisms.

- And that this was exactly the same mechanic that allowed me to stay attached to emotionally neglectfull parents when i was young.

In a way, i needed all this to happen to see the light, even though it came wrapped in a cloud of darkness.

[kc sunshine]

I also learned that low self-esteem in particular areas (for me it was around physicality and sex) could draw a person into an unhealthy attachment. With sex, I wonder how I can build self-esteem in this area-- I suppose positive self talk?

I'm a teacher and I'm thinking if I could teach a class on BPD, here's some of the books I'd include:

The Buddha and the Borderline
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on With Life
From Abandonment to Recovery

I wonder if there is a good memoir or something on people recovering from relationships with people with mental illness?

[gotbushels]

I learned to practice much more self-compassion. I learned it's okay to love my bed--and not get slapped for it. 

[Curiously1]

We all seem to be learning the same kinds of things which is great. Perhaps we all had similar reasons for why we chose to be with our pwBPD.

I personally learnt:
Not to forget myself and to remember that I deserve to be happy too
Not to feel obligated to take care of someone else and to self sacrifice as a way of feeling like the 'good' person.
That I had abandonment fears myself that I needed to work on. Bonded on a shared loneliness.
Self-love is so very important to know what you need/want in a relationship and for how you let somebody treat you.
Not to rush things, ever. I didn't want to and although I noticed some redflags in the beginning of dating, and throughout I brushed them off giving her too much of the benefit of the doubt. I didn't trust myself and just went along with things especially when I self-doubt or wanting to keep the peace or not upset or hurt someones feelings which I shouldn't have. Hurting someones feelings is sometimes inevitable and not be afraid of that too.
Not to take things personally. Often times people are more focused on themselves and how things affect them and blame you because of how they feel/what they think they are not getting for themselves. I would obsess over what I did wrong or how to stop/minimise her from reacting the ways that she did then continue to question what I did wrong.
You cannot fix/rescue a person. You can only save yourself.
You can't be the one only making an effort in the relationship. It takes two.

There is a lot more but I think this is what I can share for now.

[steelwork]

Damaged people are not "my people," as I used to think.

[chillamom]

I didn't want to matriculate for this degree!  I think I am a very slow learner, or at least very slow to internalize the lessons.  What I have learned so far isn't very flattering:

1.  I am drawn to broken people because they are a mirror for my own less than together self, and I think that by trying to "fix" them I can fix myself. 
2.  I now finally know that #1 is not possible, and that trying to fix the broken parts in another is a recipe for breaking myself further.
3.  My Ph.D. in psychology has in no way prepared me for the tsunami that is/was my exBPDbf.
4.  I am easily manipulated by guilt and appeals to my essentially empathic nature.

BUT... .

1.  I am NOT all the things he has told me I am and someday I will actually believe that.  Hopefully soon.

[VitaminC]

I learned to slow down, trust my instincts, quash my curiosity about mysteries I don't understand when they are partly motivated by desire for control or "helping" or getting the attention I craved.

I learned to slow down, to pay more attention to being real from the heart rather than sometimes weaving fanciful narratives about myself and seeing what happens just for the play of it.

I learned to slow down, to be kinder and gentler with myself, to process with all of me - not just my head.

I learned to slow down and not expect sparkle and fizz from every interaction, to find the beauty in patience.

I learned that if I'd paid more attention to how hungry I was and worked on ways to feed myself, I wouldn't have had to learn all the above. I knew them before, but I forgot because I somehow got ravenous and I didn't pay enough attention to that - or have the right cooking utensils or recipes or discipline. Ugh, I hate when my metaphors collapse on themselves like an old shack

 

[bunny4523]

I kept asking myself "why is this happening, what am I doing wrong? God, what is it you want me to learn?" 
The answer was to put myself first and know when to leave.  I learned to jump off the sinking ship instead of going down with it. 

[khibomsis]

I learnt that I am strong - so strong I could survive a broken heart. I learnt to have boundaries. I learnt that I am worthy of respect. I learnt that I am basically a good person but waaay too other-oriented. So now I am learning to put myself first.

[C.Stein]

Almost a month past the one year mark of being introduced to the trash bin and ghosted by the ex, most of which is nothing but a blur.  It has admittedly been a difficult month as this month also contains her birthday and today being the first time she tossed me aside three years ago.

I still find myself emotionally attached to her for some unknown reason, regardless of how hard I try to put this relationship and her behind me.  The emotions from the bottom of the trash bin are still with me, albeit much less intense.

So I thought this might be a good opportunity to reflect on some lessons we all have learned through our respective traumas and how we can truly learn from those lessons and take something positive away from this.

The number one lesson I have learned, or more appropriately relearned, is to listen to my gut instincts.  When something doesn't seem right, when something seems off, it probably is.  

In my relationship I had many of these instincts.  Some of them I brought up with her, most of them I suppressed and convinced myself I was being irrational and paranoid.  For every one that I "talked" to her about there were probably ten I didn't.  I have also realized she conditioned me to repress these emotions, to push my own emotions and emotional well being aside, be it intentional on her part or not.  In many ways she showed me who she truly is on many occasions right from the beginning but I continued to give her the benefit of the doubt, continued to believe in the person I thought she could be (wanted to be), continued to ignore my gut instincts.  :)oing this, allowing this to happen, has impacted me in ways I am only beginning to understand and to be honest may never completely understand.

I have given a lot of thought on this particular subject and I believe it is one of the primary reasons I am still emotionally attached/impacted by this woman.  I spent so much time and emotional energy convincing myself that my instincts were wrong, that her behavior and actions were not a true representation of who she really is, that I undermined my own internal compass and sense of reality.  I think this is why I still struggle with accepting who she really is because I was mostly successful in convincing myself otherwise.  It also probably contributes to my still feeling attached/connected to her.

There are more lessons I have learned but now it is time for you all to share some of your learned lessons.

[Skip]

I spent so much time and emotional energy convincing myself that my instincts were wrong, that her behavior and actions were not a true representation of who she really is... .

Insightful observation.

[insideoutside]

That's its not my fault; that he is ill and cannot regulate his emotions like a healthy of mind person.  That no matter how hard I try I will never be able to help or save him.  That I have to save myself first.

[steelwork]

I spent so much time and emotional energy convincing myself that my instincts were wrong, that her behavior and actions were not a true representation of who she really is, that I undermined my own internal compass and sense of reality.  

I read this and nodded along. And what struck me was this: it worked like a long con. Not that my ex was a con man, but the principle is similar: once you have committed yourself to believing something implausible but (if true) personally beneficial, you have ego invested in it being true, or you will be a dope. The longer it goes on, the more of a dope you will be if it's untrue, and therefore, the more strenuously you will cling to the belief.

[baconeggs]

By establishing my boundaries, focusing on myself, and detaching (working on codependency) before the relationship ended this time, I've felt NC to be much easier.  I also knew that by focusing on myself, she would probably break up with me, and I was okay with that.  It's her right to end the relationship if she wants.  She would always call me "selfish"  if I did something for myself but she didn't want me to do it; however, I don't think selfish is the right word. 

I had initiated a few failed breakups with her in the past and was unsuccessful - mostly because of her retaliation afterwards.  It seemed like it would be easier for me if she ended things, and it has been.  This time, NC was her idea and she has honored NC for a week know.  I know it's only a matter of time before she contacts me again, but I'm prepared. 

I think my life will be much better without her.

[FallBack!Monster]

That's its not my fault; that he is ill and cannot regulate his emotions like a healthy of mind person.  That no matter how hard I try I will never be able to help or save him.  That I have to save myself first.

I agree with the above. I have learned that people need to stop contradicting their own lessons learned. In one board it's not personal. On another board, pwBPD are so this and that. All negative. Which in turn makes people begin to take it personal all over again.
I learnet that my ex didn't love me not because it is "just" a love bombing game to him. He was and is unable to truly love in a real way. Was I played? No. He plays himself but I had to understand what that meant first. Did I play myself? Yes and I always knew I was. I didn't mean to harm myself. I mean to enjoy myself. My emotions is what made more of it than what it was. Normal behavior? Sure!
Am I going to turn in to my ex and go around telling people how many of my past loves did my innocent behind wrong? No. Do I know why he does it? No. Do I have a better understanding of the disorder? Sure! But by definition, mostly. Do I fully understand his motivations? Not! 
I also learnet that they only understand our motives and motivations in the same way; by definition only.

[troisette]

I have learned:

I'm okay.

A centred feeling. Like a gyroscope. I retain my balance when life's ups and downs come out of left field.

My good qualities were not appreciated by the PDs I became involved with.

To value my good qualities.

To appreciate that not everyone shares my values and to walk away when my gut tells me to.

To not try to change people into what I think they should be.

To not be a rescuer.

These things equate to a really good feeling of freedom, self value and self liking.

[Skyglass]

I'm still learning what it all means and why I went through what I did. It's a process. However, a few things have stuck out the most to me through my recovery:

That a relationship should compliment you and both people should lift each other up. A r/s should be the icing on the cake and NOT the actual cake.

I am the only one who can make myself happy. No one else is in charge of that except me. I use to say I always believed this before but I don't think I TRULY did believe. Now, I KNOW this.

I create my life and my reality every morning I wake up. It is up to me to choose what to do with it.

My body is my temple- I put emphasis daily on having a healthy lifestyle eating good food, do exercise that I enjoy, let my body and mind enjoy the outdoors more than ever now, etc. I will no longer let someone violate me or my boundaries.

I have given up (and am cognizant of experiences that could potentially lead to) the role of being a caregiver, savior, rescuer. This role no longer serves me.

Say yes to new adventures even if it's out of your comfort zone. You never know what doors will open for you.

[asiyah93]

I've learned to be compassionate with myself. And to be more assertive not just when communicating with others (both nons and BPDs) but with myself, being honest with myself about my needs, wants, and desires. I let my BPD ex hold the wheel and drive, and we were always crashing. I learned why I let him drive. But that wasn't enough. I was still afraid to admit certain things, including that I wanted real love and a real, healthy romantic relationship, and I was also afraid to admit that I wanted my BPD ex completely out of my life--not just romantically or sexually. I didn't want him as a friend, didn't like him as a person, and certainly didn't respect him. But the guilt that I often feel upon even thinking that I don't like someone took complete control over me and he used that against me (one of the few things he was good at). Once I learned not to avoid my own negative feelings, to not be ashamed of myself, I not only met a man who has (so far) given me a healthy relationship, but I was able to begin the process of setting firm boundaries with my BPD ex. Unfortunately, I reverted a few days ago when I snapped at him, but I quickly cut myself some slack and simply said "you were triggered. you were stressed, but you stopped yourself before you got too entangled" and was able to go into NC assertively and not with the intention of getting back at him or teaching him a lesson. Once I learned to accept myself as the introvert that I truly am and to admit that I need and even like boundaries, it became sort of easier for me to deal with him and anybody else who was complicating my life in some way.

Finally, and this is rather sad, I learned that I did all I could in that relationship with the BPD ex. I even tried to maintain the friendship he supposedly wanted even after I got married. He still continued to overstep boundaries, changing his tune and acting "in love" with me or as if he missed me. Fortunately I didn't fall for that, but it was because I realized I did all I could in this situation. It is HIS choice to overstep boundaries, and it is MY choice to put my foot down. I am walking away knowing I did everything I could, both good and bad, to have a semblance of a normal relationship, but that isn't what he wants. What he wants changes daily, even hourly, and while I have compassion for him, I can't empathize as I'm a little more stable, and I can't continue trying to make something work with someone who doesn't cooperate. I walk away knowing I tried my best, even with all of the mistakes I made.