What Have You Learned? [Testimonials]

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I've learnt when you point the finger at somebody there are three pointing back at you! In my situation I was subjected to mainly ST and a lack of commitment. Since we are both married it was a difficult situation and I did not handle it well. Since I have read more about BPD I would say that she has BPD traits rather than fully fledged. I have learnt firstly not to get involved with another person with these traits, secondly perhaps to be a little more empathic to the emotional dysfunction that goes on with a BPD and thirdly to protect myself by keeping my boundaries up until I know if a person is able to meet me on an emotional level.

[RomanticFool]

I've learnt when you point the finger at somebody there are three pointing back at you! In my situation I was subjected to mainly ST and a lack of commitment. Since we are both married it was a difficult situation and I did not handle it well. Since I have read more about BPD I would say that she has BPD traits rather than fully fledged. I have learnt firstly not to get involved with another person with these traits, secondly perhaps to be a little more empathic to the emotional dysfunction that goes on with a BPD and thirdly to protect myself by keeping my boundaries up until I know if a person is able to meet me on an emotional level.

[troisette]

I learned:

To value my resilience.

That I was attracted to men who denigrate me. I learned why this was a repeating compulsion.

I learned that I was attracted to ex because of the repetitive compulsion. That we were not in love with each other: that we were locked in a mutually unhealthy addiction for power and control.

I learned that the things that attracted me to ex, and other PDs, were rooted in childhood experiences, FOO attitudes that I had adopted as normal.

I learned to set boundaries: that I cannot heal others' wounds, that my primary responsibility is to myself.

I learned self worth.

I learned to quickly see red flags.

I learned that although my experience with ex was incredibly painful, it provided the means to greater self-understanding. And, despite the misery, that made it worthwhile.

[JaxDK]

If things look too good to be true, they usually are

[spacecadet]

The great extent to which we view one another through the lens of how WE are. Non's do it, BPs do it. It's the source of so much misunderstanding. I want to become more transparent with myself, and a by-product of that is the ability to see others more acutely for who they really are, not who I want them to be or think they are using myself as the reference point. That's what I've always wanted really.

[Harley Quinn]

I've learned that in my darkest hour lies the opportunity to shine my brightest

Not everyone wants to be helped, and that's OK

There's a difference between giving up and saying enough is enough

I've learned to love myself, and that I am enough

Sometimes moving forwards in life means going right back to the beginning and starting over

I may not be proud of everything in my past but I can choose to be proud of what I do with my future

I'm worth the effort I have invested in others and deserving of having my own needs met

The power of validation for myself, others and in particular my son, which is a priceless lesson to have learned

I'm absolutely pants at upholding boundaries and this is something I must work on daily

That my silver lining outlook on life is what makes me strong, not weak or crazy and that the only opinion of me that matters is my own

That everything I have experienced, endured, learned and gained in my life to date has given me the tools and ability to handle what I must now face - the journey that lies ahead

[caughtnreleased]

I've learned that I am much stronger and powerful than I ever imagined I was.
That all those clichés of reaping what you sow, and loving yourself, are actually kind of true,
That the world is filled with illusions and magicians so you need to trust your gut,
That the most effective way to bring about change is to change yourself,
That it's hard to see the big picture, but the more you pay attention the more you'll see,
That pain has a purpose,
That social media set me back more times than I can count,
That I decide how people treat me,
That I still have work to do.

[Panda39]

There's a difference between giving up and saying enough is enough

Love This!

Panda39

[Harley Quinn]

Missed (quite a big) one!

I have learned that I have PD traits, and although I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria, I did when I was younger.  That's probably worth remembering as a notable learning!

Love and light x

[Brokenmind]

I’ve learned or learning the following (sorry I’ve only just started the healing process)

1) It’s not my fault

2) what toxic behaviour is (it was disguised by my childhood as love)

3) I have codependency issues (yaay)

4) it’s not my fault

I know I repeated 1 and 4, but I only got discarded 5 weeks ago after 12 years so I hope in time I can add to the list. Now going to read everyone else’s to see what’s possible.

(Yes I’m in that after crying for ages delirium mode where I’m trying to force humour - sorry everyone!

[HollowLover]

TL;DR: I was broken, met a BPD girl, mathc made in hell. We broke up, I've learned from it. Dont blame her.

I've spent 7 years in a relationship with a BPD girl.

In the beginning she hid this from me, said she suffered from depresion. When she was not feeling good, she'd send me home, saying she needed some space and such. Until there, it was ok. But as the relationship went on, she started to get "confortable" having her "sad" moments, "anger" fits in front of me. I was still CLUELESS. I'd help her, support her, talk to her, try to make her feel better.

One thing that was really weird was the reaction from her family when her mood went bad. The dad grabbed a couple of beers and locked himself in the room, her momma would make a "fear" face and go to the neighboughr house and her sister simply came up with "Oh I need to go somewhere do somesh8*t". It would happen EVERYTIME she made that face.. that sad/angry face.

But still I believed this was just some weird coincidencies, not to mention the fact that her parents treated me like a king. I could eat, drink, do whatever I wanted in their house, it felt good. I was naive.

At the 2nd year I saw for real her first... dunno the word in english... hum. her first "emotional explosion", tears flowing, screaming, spaking herself, "pain pain pain". It shocked me. But I as a LEGITIMATE PEOPLE-PLESER, KNIGHT IN SHINNING ARMOR, volunteered to help her. I was a long afternoon, but eventually she calmed down and thanked me. Her gratitude warmed my heart, made my feel good. It was the beggining for the co-depency: "she's sad, I make her happy, she thanks me, I feel good..." It fels good, I was no naive.

Later that day her sister took me out, while my gf was asleep, and told me the truth: "She's not depresed, she had BPD, it is much much worse than depression, she was trying to hide this from you, so you wouldn't get scared, but I gues now she doens't care anymore"

She gave me a superficial explanation about her sister's disorder and told me: "Run, leave. My parents can't take it anymore and are using you and a 'TANTRUM-SHIELD'. It's has no cure, please leave her now, for your own sake."

I heard every word but decided to stay, I took pity on her, felt angry for her parents not wanting to care for her, I took upon myself the mission to help her SAVE HER LIKE A PRINCE IN A SHINNING ARMOR. So I started reading everything I could find on the subject, I became obsssed with the subject, I wanted to make sure that I could make her life better. As a people-pleaser I naturally deny my own desires and ambitions in favor of others, I thought of it a NOBLE TRAIT, the sacrifice, bla bla.

By the middle of the 3rd year, she'd act-out every 2 or 4 days. When I was succesful in calming her down, she fed me my prize "thank you, you're so good to me" but when I didn't, she's lash out: "You're useles Icount on you and you can't do sh1t for me"..... Man... imagine yourself, having spent the whole day managing her mood, providing maintanence, doing everything I could to satisfy her to list to this? I remember going to the living rom alone, TIRED, EXHAUSTED, SAD, feeling like a failure and a feeling of "NEXT TIME I'ILL DO BETTER".

Co-dependency reached a new level, by that point I lived to serve her, hoping for a "thank you baby" and fearing the "you can't help me, go away". Here in Brazil we have a saying "First they bite, then they lick".

I was starting to realize that MAYBE, just MAYBE, I wanst' enough to help her. By that point I knew the BPD dignostic by heart, been through countless tantrums, been manipulated by threats of suicide... I started to get worried... too late, I was already emotionally dependant on her approval on the feeling of "BEING A GOOD MAN".

During alll this time, I've denied myself completely, I started to feel empty, hollow "who am I?". But I'm not only a PEOPLE-PLEASE, I'm a coward, I didnt wanted to face these thioughts and feelings, so I buried them deep and things went on.

I'n july on the 6th year dating her, I had an affair with a random girl. It was.... so good, I couldn't remember the last time I was myself, without my 1000 masks I've learned to wear, the s3x was good, but even better was the few moments I could talk to another girl, laugh and do what I felt like. This affair, obviously took a great toll on me. On one side there was the "NOBLE SAVIOR" in me, looking down upon me, guilt, shame... How could I do this? On the other hand, there a 'lil ember, growing, wanting to catch fire and be free.

I tried to breaking up with her, but she had me in "her hands". "If you leave I k1ll myself and you'll be the one who caused it". Damn, her threats were SUPER-EFFECTIVE, from that point on there was less and less "thank you baby" and more and more "you're useless' / "leave and I'll end my life". F00CK. F00CK. I was neck deep in the sh1t.

I started seeing a shrink, seeking help on how to live with the guilt of her death on my cousnciousnes and little by little he convinced me that "I'ts her life, she's free to do whatever she wants with it". When the day came, they day I mustered al the strenght to break up, she took a shard of glass and poked her writs, I looked at her, holding all of my emotions inside and said "It's your life, I'm not responsible for your choices, you're free to de whatever you want with it".

DAMN IT WAS SO F00CKING HARD SAYING THAT, EVEN HARDER WAS WALKING AWAY, HEARING HER CRY AND SUFFERING.... And making a HUGE effort not to look back, because if I did, I'd go back to her.

At first I felt relieved not to walk on eggshells everyday, but I didn't had the SLIGHTEST idea of the damages that the co-depency did to me, it was the year of 2016, I didn't knew at the time but, I had begun walking the path of depression. I had lost myself, I was used to denying myself, it felt normal. They years went by and I became sadder and sadder, believing that "This is who I am". No will to live, nothing to live for, no queen to serve and girl to save, no purpose. In 2020 I started doing drugs, became addicted, the only thing that made me feel good. I used drugs until last year when I was sent to a psychiatry hospital for the first time, I had hit rock bottom. Spent 120 days there, got clean and believed what the therapists there told me: "Once you stop using drugs, you'l see, life simply get brighter"

It didn't, it became horrible, I spent 4 months making a real effort not to use drugs again, until 30 days ago, I broke, I imploded, despair took the best of me. I quit my job on an impulse, went to the bank, withdrew 400 bucks and could only think of 2 things "Should I go back to that miserable life of drug-addict or... throw myself in front of one of those buses?"

I did neither, a faint thought crossed my mind and I decided to cal my father and tell the hard truth. He said "STAY WHERE YOU ARE, IM COMING". The next day I was in a psychiatric hospital again, this time not as an addict but as a depressed guy.

I've learned so so much in these last 30 days, about how I was being manipulated and used by her, about my beaheviour of never saying "NO", the harm I did to myself by trying to please everyone, it's hard to describe.... I was depresed and didn't quite knew and now I'm starting to understand how I did this to myself. Who am I? What do I want from life? What kind of music I enjoy?

I do not blame my BPD ex anymore, I was the perfect match for her, a perfect combination of chaos and destruction. I never truly helped her, never could, she dated a "lie", she never got to know me, for real. It was bad, it was horrible, but now I'm learning from it. I no longer think of BPDs as monsters and emotional vampires. They are what they are, a mix of a disorder and the ambient where they grew up.

Just like me.

[seekingtheway]

I'm so glad this thread has been resurrected so I could read through everyone's learnings. Such in insightful and inspirational post, and I love how so many people have got different learnings. Gonna save this one and come back to it, maybe add my own learnings once I get to a point where I've actually embodied the learnings, rather than just logically know them.

[Under The Bridge]

Seems most are saying the same things, which shows the predictable path of a BPD relationship and how it plays out. My thoughts are the same;

1. Don't ignore the red flags. Nobody is perfect but if these things are coming up regularly and to a pattern then it's time to take serious notice, no matter how strong your feelings are for the BPD.

2. Set boundaries and stick to them, remembering you're a person yourself and so deserve some decent treatment by any partner. Easy to forget this though, espercially in the first 'glowing idealisation' stages. Amazing how much we can overlook - or just plain not see - when at this stage.

3. Be honest with yourself; if you can genuinely say 'I did absolutely nothing to cause their rage/outburst/actions then don't crumble and start to think you're part of the problem. You arent, as the 'three C's' mantra confirms - you didn't cause their BPD, you can't control it and without their willing help, you can never cure it or improve it.

4. When the 'I'm finally done' moment does happen, then end it with full NC as any attempt to still remain in contact will only make you vulnerable to their manipulation and also your own self-doubt, that maybe 'next time' you could make it work. You can't.

When I finally decided enough was enough - after a horrendous and extremely vicious outburst by my xwBPD - I simply didn't go back to the place where we used to go as I knew she'd stay away a couple of weeks then come back in, knowing I'd always be waiting for her and talking her into getting back together, even though I wasn't the one who'd broken up. It had become a game by this time and I just ended it cleanly, coldly and finally.

We weren't living together, had no kids or any joint accounts so NC was easy but I appreciate it would be a lot harder if any of these things were involved.