Salt to the wound: why the BPD really wants to remain "friends" when you split

[random_username2]

  But I believe that my personal experience agrees with a lot of what I have read which is that they do this simply to fulfill their own needs and do not really take you into consideration.  They NEED someone to always be there to support them.  We know they tend to push all of their other friends away.  They see us as someone that they can keep around, as a plan B, for support, to bail them out of trouble, to call in the middle of the night... .but they often feel the need to test us... .and make sure that we WILL continue to be there.  I think that is what some of their abuse is about... .trying to ensure themselves that we will stay.  Of course... .then sometimes they get feeling soo good about themselves that they convince themselves they don't need us anymore (like when they are in a new r/s) and push us away or discard us... .at least until they need us again.

- H4H

This is just GENIUS! Thanks for posting this. It is great to know how it feels like from their side!

Also, the original post is GENIUS as well, strong again. Thanks for the very helpful insights. Helps keep us in check. haha

[MindfulJavaJoe]

This is a great thread.

Now add children and common friends into the mix.

This now becomes an impossible scenario.

She asked I'd move into a house nearby for "the sake of the children".

That's not going to happen!

[JJay]

Very good thread and sadly enough, #1 to #6 happend to me a couple of times. It's all so true and I went through it just like described. And yeah, they do want to re-engage even if they say that they are completely done with you (and/or other blah, blah... .). But they will hurt you even more each time you fall prey to it again.

[sea5045]

One of my friends hears from  her ex BPD and she says it is like  you are a touchstone for them, they check in , make sure you're there, and run back to their new life they have morphed into... .

[Serena_S]

Well, she wanted to be be friends with me after we split (so I could take care of her and be there for her) but the moment she met someone else, she wants nothing to do with me. After reading these boards, I know it's for the best but it's so classic. I went from being her all (even post break-up) to being the person she has to hate. All to make it right in her world.

[orillia]

You left out the most important one! As a prelude to being recycled! Before you know it, going out "as friends" leads to sleeping together, which leads to... .welcome to your 100th ride on the same hellish merry go round!

'Can't we still be friends?' You've probably heard this everytime you've been dumped by your BPD partner, but this not about being friends at all. It is in fact part of their plan to continue to torture you even after the relationship is over. They do this byway of passive aggression.

Here's what it's really all about, so please take note of this if they have managed to get you to agree to this:

Passive aggressive attack number 1: You've been friendzoned by them; this is a passive aggressive attack to tell you, you're not worthy enough to be my partner.

Number 2: They want to really rub salt in to your tender wounds by telling you that they've already met someone else and really happy, or about a one night stand, or new sex buddy. They atypically do this on facebook, or send you the occasional text.

Number 3: They delight in taking "sympathy" when they see that you haven't found anyone yet -- 'Aww poor you. Don't worry I'm sure you will find someone soon'.

Number 4: They get a narcissistic ego boost by seeing you pine for them.

Number 5: They will occasionally mail/text you and "reminisce" over the good times, so that you will be taken back to those times and your heart will pine for them even more.

Number 6: After they'e continued to silently torture you, they will tell you that they can no longer be your friend because it's disrespectful to their new partner. And so you're completely frozen out -- just as they planned.

There you have it. Proceed at your own peril.

[sixspeed]

Mine had a few famous quotes on the way out when wanting to remain friends yet still keep the door open:

"Whenever we are ready in our lives, if you're single (as much as it pains me, I know you may meet someone and fall in love), I think we would have a good chance of a happy life together. No man would try to date me now, You have ruined me for anyone else."

This statement was so loaded, it still makes me wonder if it was consciously manipulative or just the reaction of an intense sadness and fear of abandonment that makes it seem appropriate to her. It really twisted up my thoughts.

[Simpleone]

Mine insists that as soon as I take my blame for what I've done, I can heal and then we can be friends. Are you kidding me? You are a crappy friend to the friends you have now!

I see now wanting to be friends is for his benefit, and I will not be a fallback girl. I'm worth more than that.

[hereforhealing]

Mine had a few famous quotes on the way out when wanting to remain friends yet still keep the door open:

"Whenever we are ready in our lives, if you're single (as much as it pains me, I know you may meet someone and fall in love), I think we would have a good chance of a happy life together. No man would try to date me now, You have ruined me for anyone else."

This statement was so loaded, it still makes me wonder if it was consciously manipulative or just the reaction of an intense sadness and fear of abandonment that makes it seem appropriate to her. It really twisted up my thoughts.

I got a lot of similar things.  It's amazing to me how so many of these people act in the same way to us.  It's like a script they all agreed on together.

I always got:

"I'll never love anyone else like I love you... .even if I end up marrying someone else for security"

"You never know... .maybe we'll still end up together"

"No one I date now could ever compare to you"

"I just wish you could be different, but I know you can't change." (Me change?)

- H4H

[sea5045]

Mine would say, "Everyone keeps asking me how you are going to be! i keep telling them we will be fine, we will always be friends even if it's not romantic". 


What makes you think I am going to move on quickly?

If you do get involved with someone else I wouldn't want to know about it unless you thought it was absolutely necessary... .

[sea5045]

Well, she wanted to be be friends with me after we split (so I could take care of her and be there for her) but the moment she met someone else, she wants nothing to do with me. After reading these boards, I know it's for the best but it's so classic. I went from being her all (even post break-up) to being the person she has to hate. All to make it right in her world.

Three months or less before it turns sour... .

[naiveorstupid]

I had a conversation with my closest friend and her adult son. I was telling them that my exhuBPD had stated that he wanted to be friends. He wanted me to feel free to call on him if I needed help around the house or with the car, etc. My friend's son looked at me and said very matter-of-factly, "So he could keep you dependent on him." Just one more sick reason to add to the list.

[maxen]

great, wise post.

Listen my friend, we have all done things and said things that we regret, no one on this board can hold there hand up and say they just took it and didnt even react to the treatment they were receiving, we are all human and we all can snap when there is so much confusion and total lack of respect being directed at you time and time again...

When you have been in the madness so close all the time and for so long you will begin to mirror the other person.Why? Because believe it or not you do and did have personal boundaries but those boundaries were stretch just like a rubber band to almost breaking point, when that happens your natural instinct is to survive at all costs and by what ever means...

The difference is though we felt shame, we felt regret, we tried to make amends but a person with a pd will not forgive and will remember those times and never let them go... you had to be holyier than thou to not let that happen and none of us are that...

Do not be hard on yourself, forgive yourself because out of you and your ex you are the only one who can give forgivness to yourself because she wont for you...

Keep strong

the only moment of self-awareness my w showed was that she held grudges forever and never forgave and "maybe that's just the way i am."

[Perfidy]

Who knows why she wanted to be my "friend". Maybe it because none of the other 50 guys she was with wanted HER for a friend. Maybe she wanted me around so she could play me against the new guy. Maybe she was afraid it wouldn't work with the new guy and wanted me as plan B. Maybe it was a way to ease her guilt by saying that she TRIED to be my friend. I can honestly say that I have no earthly idea why someone that took such a massive crap on me would even consider friendship afterwards. It really does seem weird. The whole thing seemed weird almost all of the time.

[starshine]

My kids dad who is uASPD/N/BPD never said he wanted to be friends.  He swore to make my life a living hell, and in the rhelm of co-parenting he did just that.  Sometimes he would be friendly and funny, and then he'd come in with a hateful vengeance. 

My uN/BPDexbf also never tried to go for the friendzone- he had my replacement lined up.  After he dumped her on her birthday he's had a couple short term relationships.  I think he's been with the same woman since last Spring now.  Poor thing, she has no idea how crazy and f**ked up he really is.

I am on friendly terms with all other ex's from my past, although we don't regularly chat.  Like, if I was driving through one of their towns I'd give a jingle and try to set up a meeting.  With those last 2 relationships?  No WAY.  I see my ex's I mentioned above, and hightail it out of the situation.  I want nothing to do with them.  I don't want to see them.  I don't want to hear them.  I don't want to hear about them.

Well, maybe my last ex could give me back the art he stole from me when he moved me out.  I'd like that, but it probably won't happen.

[waver]

H4H,

I feel the same

I feel the shame

Thanks all of you for your posts, for helping survive.

[Englishman]

Ha... .my ex is living with another guy... .we were 10 years... .the new guy is three months. One minute she wants to "talk" with me about whether we are finished or not? I mention that I spoke to her cousin... .and the fact that she's living with a guy that looks like Freddy Kruger (I saw his FB profile) and she flips! I'm "trying to turn her family against her."  This is all via email... .

She then adds an "I love you" onto his profile pic because she knows that I looked at it minutes earlier. Her anger has no limits! I explained to her that that was typical BPD and a normal person wouldn't do that. No answer!