4) Belief that love can prevail

[beekeeper2013]

I am the BPD.  My husband left two weeks ago... .took all the money, expensive stuff... .I was diagnosed several years ago but didn't get treatment that helped.  He vanished into thin air.  It is so grievous for me to realize what I have done to ruin our relationship.  I have never cried so much or felt so much grief, loneliness, helplessness... .I know it is hard for the nonBPD but trust me, it is hard for us, too.  He has extreme narcissistic traits, so we are on opposite sides of the same coin.  I know what I have done is wrong, even when doing it sometimes, but don't know how to stop it.  It is just as frustrating as the nonBPD who doesn't know how to stop it, either.  I do love him.  I wanted our marriage to last until the end.  Now I am 56, broke, don't know where my husband is, alone, sad and wanting to heal.  I start counseling next week and hope that this time I can finally begin my healing.  I just wish my husband was here to help me cope.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

I am the BPD. [... .]  I know what I have done is wrong, even when doing it sometimes, but don't know how to stop it. 

beekeeper, I hope your therapy helps you - stick with it.

Reading your post makes me feel relieved that this morning I did what I swore I wouldn't do - broke No Contact myself, in order to send an apology.

I know that sounds crazy to many other "escapees" - but when I sent a very very angry email two weeks ago, I said some things I know were very hurtful and were untrue. I've felt increasingly bad that I have loaded additional, undeserved guilt and shame and pain onto the shoulders of someone I know is suffering pathological levels of those already.

I haven't reopened contact - in fact, said that my own behaviour now becoming equally volatile and hurtful shows that contact is not possible between us - but I am glad I sent the apology, not for being angry, but for saying hurtful and unjust things in my anger.

Thankyou for posting, beekeeper. If you read things in here which are painful, please remember most of us have very, very painful, raw, open wounds just now and there's a lot of emotion, including anger and other negative things... .I'm not sure what the protocol is, but possibly you may find this board a difficult place. Take cre of yourself, stick with your therapy, and good luck.

[HarmKrakow]

Even today, driving to work, I thought about my ex and how long it's been since he painted me black and went silent. I thought about what it would take to reconnect with this person after all this time. Part of me still wants that: the fixer, rescuer part. But I am aware now of how one-sided the r/s would be... .  and reading that line about what it would take for a non to re-engage and the fact I would need to heal my own wounds and then assume a caretaker role, and that doesn't sound like something I'd want.

It is my ex's birthday today and 2 years since an incident started off the beginning of the end.  I ended our 13 yr r/s 18 months ago although there was some on and off contact over 8 months where he desperately tried to re-engage although that basically meant shoving it all under the carpet and carrying on in a fashion he wanted. . .as you say no reciprocity and becoming the rescuer.  

I had to cut him off at the pass 8 months ago and it has been complete NC ever since - most probably painted black!  Although I am completely realistic now that love cannot prevail, I too still think of re-connecting, sometimes I think I am abnormally grieving and that I really shouldn't be wanting that any more.  I truly miss him in my life though, even though we could never be romantically involved again.  I feel like I have been processing, I get on with my life, but thinking about my loss still does interfere with my well-being - I get the feeling of being empty, very few things bring me real pleasure  

Spot on Same here.

[Cardinals in Flight]

A tad surreal to see what I'd posted just before the thread was bumped, 5 months ago!

And again I say... .LOVE is NOT enough, period.

CiF

[eyvindr]

findingmyselfagain --

You explain very well what I believe happened to me... .

My rose-colored glasses kept me in this one. I overlooked the red flags instead of digging deeper. I believed in the romantic words and overtures vs. the actions and realistic history. This one closest relates to thinking things would go back the way they were... .or it represents that hope. I did LOVE my ex as much as anyone could love someone at one time. "Love" just can't cure a disorder based on deeply dysfunctional love relationships.

The "glasses" permitted me to allow myself to wander into the FOG, and made it harder to get back out of it. Fortunately, I'd learned from previous r-ships that love sometimes isn't enough -- not because it's not strong enough, or true enough -- but because, as you wrote, when you're dealing with an illness, it's meaning is negated. All of the negative stuff pwBPDs do in r-ships has nothing to do with love. Sometimes I think they don't do anything to hurt us -- rather, the opposite: The very worst of their behaviors are intended, by them, to make us love/want/need them more. Yes, it's intentional, and yes it's ultimately destructive -- b/c we either suffer from it, or eventually wake up and walk away -- but this damned illness turns everything on its head. In the end, their behaviors force what they least desire to happen.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

Sometimes I think they don't do anything to hurt us -- rather, the opposite: The very worst of their behaviors are intended, by them, to make us love/want/need them more. Yes, it's intentional, and yes it's ultimately destructive -- b/c we either suffer from it, or eventually wake up and walk away -- but this damned illness turns everything on its head. In the end, their behaviors force what they least desire to happen.

I'd agree with this.

Which is why I sent that apology when I finally calmed down from the forty years' of rage... .because I don't believe he tried to hurt me - it's just that the results of his damaged psyche and the results of my damaged psyche combine to make a combination that can only destroy us both ultimately.

Looking back, he did try quite hard to warn me, but I had those rose-tinted specs on... .and I think because it's the only time I've loved anyone, I did believe the extraordinary strength of the bond between us meant we could find a way through this.

It took the near-destruction of me to make me realise we couldn't. But that I could find a way out of this.

[dontknow2]

This original post so hits home with me. What I didn't realize for so many years is that much of my undying love for my exBPD was me fighting to love myself. I saw in him an extreme version of what I couldn't face about myself. Near the end, I thought the new found love for myself would only heal our relationship and build something beautiful. Now, I see detaching from him is part of the finishing act, facing some of my worst fears, in order to be one with me. I find it ironic and so sad.

[HarmKrakow]

I do think a lot of NON's who entered the BPD world relationship, had some sick fantasy sense of 'the one and only' love feeling with their woman and after the break up they start to doubt the word 'love'. :P

[Clearmind]

I do think a lot of NON's who entered the BPD world relationship, had some sick fantasy sense of 'the one and only' love feeling with their woman and after the break up they start to doubt the word 'love'. :P

Yes which is the reason there is no such thing as a non! We all have our own baggage, issues, concerns whichever you would like to call them.

We each bring our own dynamic into a relationship and it takes a great fall to really begin to understand our own part and healing path.

[Emelie Emelie]

My xBF was convinced I'd leave him eventually. Get tired of his "BS" and go. So I did everything I could to make him feel loved and supported and valued. It wasn't enough. He dumped me anyway. And there is still searing pain associated with that. But I believe the love I felt for him was/is real. And I think love is fundamentally a goOd thing. It hurts sometimes but I don't think it's wrong. Maybe next time he'll be able to trust it more.

[HarmKrakow]

My xBF was convinced I'd leave him eventually. Get tired of his "BS" and go. So I did everything I could to make him feel loved and supported and valued. It wasn't enough. He dumped me anyway. And there is still searing pain associated with that. But I believe the love I felt for him was/is real. And I think love is fundamentally a goOd thing. It hurts sometimes but I don't think it's wrong. Maybe next time he'll be able to trust it more.

I feel resemblance.

My ex told me every week, you will ___ me over. You will leave me.

She left me and devalued me like crazy, the odds! 

[allweareisallweare]

I'm constantly coming up with analogies... .you know how in days of old knights would wear so much armour it would sometimes weigh them down on the battlefield and they die, trampled in the mud by their own horses? We are white knights - the more armour we wear to repel the Bdp aspects, the more we are weighed down, soon to be trampled - better take ... .non-fatal wounds or ... .leave the fight all together... .should have... .

So to love is to wear armour versus this BPD ... .the more we wear the worse it gets... sadly sadly and madly.

[houseofswans]

So to love is to wear armour versus this BPD ... .the more we wear the worse it gets... sadly sadly and madly.

Yes, I constantly told my ex that I was wearing armour so she could not hurt me. Didn't work, though... .

[HarmKrakow]

I do think BPD'ers might make good soldiers on a battlefield. 

I do think, in any case, BPD or not. Love never prevails. Clinging to something in the sake of love is dumb. I'm sorry but it is. Same as clinging on the hope of 'human rights' when you get captured by cannibals.

Love never prevails.

And all good things do die.

It's the nature of trying to take most out of every day. And realize what you have.

[Ironmanrises]

So to love is to wear armour versus this BPD ... .the more we wear the worse it gets... sadly sadly and madly.

Yes, I constantly told my ex that I was wearing armour so she could not hurt me. Didn't work, though... .

A suit of armor to protect versus the pwBPD... .?

My ironman suit... .

Made of hardened alloys... .

Even with modifications... .

Made to it... .

After round 1... .

Where i incorporated... .

Knowledge of her BPD... .

Into the hull integrity... .

To better resist... .

Her missile barrages... .

In round 2.

After countless strikes... .

That were inbound... .

Even my ironman suit... .

Was torn apart.

Initially it did... .

Resist... .

And deflect... .

The missiles... .

But under a rain of fire... .

While... .

In hell on earth... .

This was the end result... .

My ironman suit did not prevail... .

Love does not prevail.

[eyvindr]

allweare --

Brilliant!

I'm constantly coming up with analogies... .you know how in days of old knights would wear so much armour it would sometimes weigh them down on the battlefield and they die, trampled in the mud by their own horses? We are white knights - the more armour we wear to repel the Bdp aspects, the more we are weighed down, soon to be trampled - better take ... .non-fatal wounds or ... .leave the fight all together... .should have... .

So to love is to wear armour versus this BPD ... .the more we wear the worse it gets... sadly sadly and madly.