how do they make it seem so real?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

A week after I left, and against my better judgement, I went back for a 'talk'

amazingly there was no anger or raging

it began with explanations, defensiveness, and ended in apologies, (apparant) realisation, tears, and promises to change

if she didnt mean it how could she be so convincing? how can she be so remorseful and regretful? i get the impression she would cut off her legs to be back with me right now. Not being taken it by it was near impossible

Is it really all an act? or does she geniunely feel remorse at her actions that led to us being apart? does she honestly think she can change and we can make this work?

i stayed strong. i made no promises, stood by my decision. But it was so so hard. She wants us to get counselling. she wants us to try again. I've explained i'm done with trying, it hurts too much.

I'm even doubting myself again now. Could she really have seen the light?

head hurts so much

[DownrightDisgusting]

A week after I left, and against my better judgement, I went back for a 'talk'

amazingly there was no anger or raging

it began with explanations, defensiveness, and ended in apologies, (apparant) realisation, tears, and promises to change

if she didnt mean it how could she be so convincing? how can she be so remorseful and regretful? i get the impression she would cut off her legs to be back with me right now. Not being taken it by it was near impossible

Is it really all an act? or does she geniunely feel remorse at her actions that led to us being apart? does she honestly think she can change and we can make this work?

i stayed strong. i made no promises, stood by my decision. But it was so so hard. She wants us to get counselling. she wants us to try again. I've explained i'm done with trying, it hurts too much.

I'm even doubting myself again now. Could she really have seen the light?

head hurts so much

[seektruth]

Could she really have seen the light?

No, and nothing in your post indicates that she has.  If she truly saw the light then instead of begging you back she would be getting herself the kind of help she needs.

You have to understand that when they start to realize that it really is over and that they are essentially losing control over you then they will say or do anything in that moment to try to regain control over you.  And it may seem so real and genuine because it probably is, but again only in that moment.  Her behaviors are pathological so nothing will miraculously change over night.  It would take years of hard work and therapy for any real, permanent change to occur.  I can guarantee if you went back, you'd experience everything you already have except 100x worse.  They don't get better, not without the right help.

Also wanted to add, this is a good example of why NC is strongly advocated here so that you can protect yourself from these kind of reengagements.

[2010]

Is it really all an act? or does she genuinely feel remorse at her actions that led to us being apart?

Yes and No. Borderline Disorder is an attachment disorder with thoughts of engulfment and fears of abandonment, often in the course of a conversation. The behaviors compete with one another (what's known as the dramatic/erratic swing back and forth of clinging and then distancing) triggered by the intimacy that comes with attachment.

The anxiety that comes from the attachment is in response to the competing fears in the Borderline thought process (engulfment or abandonment) and the failure to be separate and whole as a human being. The belief is that the Borderline will die without someone to attach to but will also be held captive as a slave and never be truly free.

Inside of all of this is the "longing" to be attached. (It's a disorder, not an act- but an acting out in response to distorted perceptions.)

Right now you are seen as a withdrawing object that once had fabulous attachment possibilities before the "acting out" behaviors occurred. Now that the "acting out" behaviors are present, this possibility of attachment with you is fading, unless the Borderline can get herself into some sort of rewarding structure that you find appealing.

Your words and suggestions will be agreed to, if only to stop you from withdrawing. This is a stop gap measure done by the Borderline. It is a temporary fix to offset the feelings of abandonment- but it will not solve the problem of her engulfment woes.  

It's important to note that the Borderline's choices here are done to eliminate all fears of being alone, when being autonomous and all alone is probably the one lesson they need to experience in order to become a self sufficient, individual adult.  

[takingcharge]

I really thought that I was a strong person... .hence the name TakingCharge. HA!

I have fallen for these reengagements over and over and over again.

This time will be different.

DownrightDisgusting-I dont know how long you have been together or if this is your first break up, but if you take her back this will be a never ending cycle. Never ending.

[DownrightDisgusting]

DownrightDisgusting-I dont know how long you have been together or if this is your first break up, but if you take her back this will be a never ending cycle. Never ending.

Yes, I think I realise that. We have had 2 'proper' breakups, the first I went back after her convincing, the 2nd I went NC for 6 whole months, then in a moment of weakness and boredom got in touch and reconciled  (biiiig mistake!). I didnt know about BPD or this site then. Now I do and am determined to use the lessons I am learning and forge a new path for myself.

My fear of the unknown and probably being alone is what is holding me back most. I guess I need to work on that. I'm almost certain I won't allow myself to be sucked in this time, but she's just so damn convincing and at times it seems like everything might be ok this time     need to snap out of that!

2010-I kinda get what you are saying, but all this psychology is new to me, and some of the lingo is pretty hard to grasp. Is what you are saying actual fact or just your hypothosis on how these people work? its very interesting.

[united for now]

Fact... .

Borderline Personality Disorder is a severe mental illness. Just like it is possible for a person to TRULY believe that they are George Washington (as in the first Pres of the USA) it is possible for a person to experience (and mean) polar opposite sentiments. Just like a child will promise to be good - and probably means it - so does she at that moment.

There are some extremely helpful facts in our lessons found in the blue box to your right ======== >>

[DownrightDisgusting]

I went through some of the lessons earlier. they were very helpful

things just got a whole lot worse though https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=144778.0

[AlexDP]

DownrightDisgusting-I dont know how long you have been together or if this is your first break up, but if you take her back this will be a never ending cycle. Never ending.

Yes, I think I realise that. We have had 2 'proper' breakups, the first I went back after her convincing, the 2nd I went NC for 6 whole months, then in a moment of weakness and boredom got in touch and reconciled  (biiiig mistake!). I didnt know about BPD or this site then. Now I do and am determined to use the lessons I am learning and forge a new path for myself.

My fear of the unknown and probably being alone is what is holding me back most. I guess I need to work on that. I'm almost certain I won't allow myself to be sucked in this time, but she's just so damn convincing and at times it seems like everything might be ok this time     need to snap out of that!

2010-I kinda get what you are saying, but all this psychology is new to me, and some of the lingo is pretty hard to grasp. Is what you are saying actual fact or just your hypothosis on how these people work? its very interesting.

It's a hypothesis, but it's not just hers. In terms of psychology it's difficult to talk about facts, but if you start to dissect the behaviour of your ex, you will probably start to realise that this is how she operates.

[GlennT]

Because some were sexually abused/confused as innocent children by a trusted family member or friend they've innocently trusted, they still are truly  confused that love is sex. That by being and looking sexual, they will be truly loved. Until of course, reality once again, takes hold, and they blame us for their confusion,, and move on to another trusted love object. This is all sadly, a very real reinactment, but not real love.

[Willy]

Very recognizable! I also feel that once this cycle starts, the pull and push gets more frequent and punishment more severe. A downward spiral.

Eventually I did break up, but we still see each other. I heard another BPD sufferer once state that in the long term the best gift you can give them is to abandon them. After she realized this time it was for real, she turned into nothing. And by nothing I mean just completely empty. So empty that from the outside you could see complete emptiness. Never seen this before. Perhaps I am weak but after the breakup we agreed to have some coffee on a regular basis.

Everything happens on my terms now. This is going on for a few months now and I do see a lot of approvement. The shock of the end of the relationship must have been huge for her (like she lost herself or something), and she realizes that when something happens again I will be gone for good.

OTH I cannot stop thinking its another ploy.

[GlennT]

Extremely powerful post Willy  How would you remain detached? I know they like that.

[Willy]

How would you remain detached? I know they like that.

-First of all I really do not want to go back. I know how I felt. I really do not want sleepless nights again for example. I am very determined about that.

-Second, like I said everything happens on my terms now and she knows that even if I get a hint that she is trying to lure me back, I will leave immediately. Her fear of abandonment is I think more extreme than other BPD sufferers and she has to settle with the current situation or loose it all.

[sea5045]

Is it really all an act? or does she genuinely feel remorse at her actions that led to us being apart?

Yes and No. Borderline Disorder is an attachment disorder with thoughts of engulfment and fears of abandonment, often in the course of a conversation. The behaviors compete with one another (what's known as the dramatic/erratic swing back and forth of clinging and then distancing) triggered by the intimacy that comes with attachment.

The anxiety that comes from the attachment is in response to the competing fears in the Borderline thought process (engulfment or abandonment) and the failure to be separate and whole as a human being. The belief is that the Borderline will die without someone to attach to but will also be held captive as a slave and never be truly free.

Inside of all of this is the "longing" to be attached. (It's a disorder, not an act- but an acting out in response to distorted perceptions.)

Right now you are seen as a withdrawing object that once had fabulous attachment possibilities before the "acting out" behaviors occurred. Now that the "acting out" behaviors are present, this possibility of attachment with you is fading, unless the Borderline can get herself into some sort of rewarding structure that you find appealing.

Your words and suggestions will be agreed to, if only to stop you from withdrawing. This is a stop gap measure done by the Borderline. It is a temporary fix to offset the feelings of abandonment- but it will not solve the problem of her engulfment woes.  

It's important to note that the Borderline's choices here are done to eliminate all fears of being alone, when being autonomous and all alone is probably the one lesson they need to experience in order to become a self sufficient, individual adult.  

So interesting... .that is probably why my ex engaged in an online fantasy attachment with my elderly male friend, it was an attachment, a "structure" of sorts, she got to know about me and what I was doing, if I was ok (control?) she got a father figure who wanted to know about her female on female liaisons, and money... .then she also got to fly to Seattle to have a long distance affair... .she got it all while I am grieving the relationship...