8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

[Depression = 72% of members]

Seekingbalance, THANK YOU.  Really, really helpful and healing for me.

Myself, you express it so well, and you read my mind because I was just thinking today that maybe I had picked up BPD traits.  I know it only seems that way during the healing process.



jp, I hear you.  For so long I was hoping he'd reach out to me, miss me, want me back.  Now I have to take care of myself and heal.  That's what I'm left with.  I told my T the other day that "this is what it took for me to look more deeply at my issues."  A really tough lesson, but also a opportunity.

[heartandwhole]

Seekingbalance, THANK YOU.  Really, really helpful and healing for me.

Myself, you express it so well, and you read my mind because I was just thinking today that maybe I had picked up BPD traits.  I know it only seems that way during the healing process.



jp, I hear you.  For so long I was hoping he'd reach out to me, miss me, want me back.  Now I have to take care of myself and heal.  That's what I'm left with.  I told my T the other day that "this is what it took for me to look more deeply at my issues."  A really tough lesson, but also a opportunity.

[jp254958]

I guess so.

I wish she could understand how much I love her, though.  I would have been with her to the very end of my days - and I would have wanted to be there.  Or maybe that's just not enough.  Look, I could be completely fooling myself, but I have a strong impression that she wants nothing to do with me (and her prior spouses) because she was abandoned by her father.  She doesn't seem to have a clue about how much this has affected her emotionally and her relationships in general.  She constantly put up walls and protective barriers to avoid this, but she could never process why.  And what's worse, is she always wanted to avoid the topic even when it was raised.  It's scary to face your demons, but you can't find happiness if you try to hide them. 

Anyway, I'm rambling.  Sorry!   

[bb12]

this is the single biggest issue keeping me stuck!

my exBPD interpreted a signal i gave (for space) as complete abandonment.

Called me a lot over the coming weeks but steeled himself and communication became less frequent. And then suddenly he was onto my replacement (all of this within 3 weeks) and any contact from me was seen as an annoyance - and he went to great lengths to point that out. All sighs, harumphs, rudeness over the phone. And when I finally got some face time, he was distant, aloof, not present. Until finally he stopped picking up the phone all together and dished up the silent treatment.

The speed with which he moved on was beyond comprehension.

I have been NC most of this year, but I still crash and burn sometimes and yearn for an explanation. I have never really been sure of what I was chasing, but I know now that I am looking for decency, communication, signs of the person I thought he was.

But apparently our 2 years together meant absolutely nothing to him. He has 'emotionally murdered" me... .as the reading describes the silent treatment. I never happened.

And as much as I have addressed my co-dependent tendencies and poor boundaries, I still can't get my head around how cruel he has been with all of this.

Just didn't need to end this way.

We do become the whipping boy for all of the hurt their parents caused them. When the relationship hits a certain stage and the false self is exposed, the gloves come off and they are hell bent on treating you with all the rage and anger they would have loved to show their original abuser.

I am so far down the healing path now, but really want this pull to stop... .the desire for confirmation of the illness, confirmation that I meant something, confirmation that he has even thought about me in all this time.

Sadly, I realise all of that is very unlikely

BB12

[jp254958]

So sad bb. I'm really sorry to hear what you went through. The last night I saw her, she had this very cold, distant look on her face. Like she didn't want to be around me or that she was hiding something. At that point, I think I was completely devalued. I was an annoyance. She had no concern or love for me (or at least it seemed that way.). It was like having a stranger in my place. So uncomfortable... .

I'm not sure there is a good explanation for us that can bring us peace.  Their behavior is likely due to the function of their brain. Based on MRI results, the brains of pwBPD do not process emotions “normally" vs the bulk of the population.  This explanation does us no good on a personal level because we are deeply hurt by their behavior.  However, it sometimes helps me realize that her behavior isn't necessarily who she WANTED to be, it's just her brain wasn't processing emotion on a normal level. 

My ex was also a meth addict for 1+ years in high school, which also damages the same part of the brain that processes emotion.  So this was a “double whammy." 

I like how you used the term “emotionally murdered."  I felt that way many times too and feel that way now. I am wishing you good thoughts.

Too bad we're suffering from the consequences of their parents.  It's a shame that they don't have the wherewithal to delineate people who hurt them vs. people who love and want to help them.

[bb12]

It's a shame that they don't have the wherewithal to delineate people who hurt them vs. people who love and want to help them.

Yep - absolutely. We are still largely in 'helping' or 'giving' mode when we are dumped, so it makes it harder to comprehend. We have locked in to helping this person and are still largely 'in love' when the discard happens. Instead of both being at the "I'm done" stage, where we agree it's time to let the r/s go, we are nowhere near this feeling so our journey to recovery starts from a place way further up the line. We have to fall out of love with them to get to a place anywhere near being able to process the brutal end.

But the real question is why we were so committed to someone who was treating us quite poorly all along: someone who gave so little. Did we really value ourselves so poorly that we committed to staying and helping despite the scraps we were getting?

BB12

[jp254958]

Well, for me, it was a few things.  First of all, I was able to see her good side. She could be immensely sweet. Second, she kept saying she would go to therapy. Third, I wanted to see the best in her and wanted to believe that she could be a great person.

It's not so much that I had this interest in finding someone who was emotionally unavailable. I am certainly aware that I have some codependent tendencies but I honestly believe that I was in a position to start and maintain a healthy relationship when I entered the last one. I had been in therapy for years and spend so much of my time trying to become a balanced, healthy person, even though I certainly have many shortcomings.  But I liked myself, felt I deserved love, was capable of being loving, supportive, and affectionate, and was willing to express what I needed in a relationship.  I had a good sense of who I was as a person. But I lost some of that in this relationship - no doubt about it.

I think I really just wanted a relationship to work out. I really want to start a life with someone and enjoy life.

Or maybe I'm COMPLETELY in denial!     

What are some of the reasons that you think you got in this kind of a relationship?

[jp254958]

Yep I have some lonely child / fixit tendencies but I've tried to keep them at bay (for the most part) in the relationship.

I've become aware of these impulses over the past few years and how to deal with these tendencies. I'm not perfect, of course, and sometimes I have to catch myself.

But therapy has helped.

Abandoned children (the BPD) are really hard to deal with and reach. The therapy is very hard and that's even if they get there because most are inclined to refuse and deny the need for help.

Here's a lonely child hug! C  

[seeking balance]

Hey jp254958, for me that answer lies in the post made by a member on here called 2010. Did you ever read his piece on Lonely Child vs. Abandoned Child? It is a word for word explanation of why I stayed.

For me, I only entered T after this event. Had never done so before, so I am not sure I did like myself and have healthy self-esteem.

I actually knew going in that this person was wrong for me... .on so many levels. We were not compatable on age, income, life stage, communication abilities. I kept pulling back because of these things but the Lonely Child (me) kept going back. To be fair, I think this exhausted my ex BPD and I can see that I must own this bit. But that doesn't excuse his awful subsequent behaviour, nor my own foolish attempts to fix it and work on it.

I had a childhood full of passive aggression and physical abuse. I became a pleaser, fixer. And I never met anyone I couldn't fix! This one rocked me because he bailed without adequate explanation... .and I lost one! For the first time, I lost!

Heaps of ego in my reaction and desire to fix it.

bb12

bb,

This is a great topic, although off track on this thread.

It would be fantastic on taking inventory... .would you mind starting a thread on it?  Many senior members will likely weigh in and we have not seen this topic in a while over there.

Thanks!

SB

[bb12]

Thanks SB

Have moved it and started a thread on Inventory Board

BB12

[really]

Thanks for bumping this one up today GM.    Really helpful for some of my thoughts today... .  

[nedm]

Just wondered if anyone has any thoughts on my current situation and this subject?

Basically splif from my BPDgf about 6 weeks ago now but we have a young child who i see twice a week and every other wknd. So there is still plenty of regular contact which makes it so hard for me to get her out of my head but these forums help me so much!

I know that she contacted a few of her exes 2 days after wanting to run away and marry me and has been messaging various guys since!

Do you think the lack of absence and regular contact will make her grow fonder of me again?

I don't want this as I know i need to stay away from her emotionally!

Originally she hated me and would rage for first few weeks everytime i made contact but has since started being overly nice, very civil often dressed very provocatively when i pick up my daughter but hasnt made any advances yet! also i get more and more texts which i generally ignore.

Saying all this I'm still certain that she is lining up her next man if not already!

I just wondered if any of you also had any ideas as to what may happen short and long term as I unfortunately will be in contact for many many years to come!

Thanks for any comments or advice!

[waitaminute]

You know how us "rescuers" find it hard to turn down a pleading BPD ex when they want to get back into our life? I know that feeling like they moved on quickly may hurt. Of course, we hope they remember how good we were to them.  But I balance that against the anguish of saying "no" to her if she asked for a reconciliation. And my mental, physical emotional, and spiritual health depends on my moving on. I'd rather know that she has found a replacement and is not wallowing in any grief.

[SarahinMA]

I'm not sure this concept holds up for my ex... .  maybe the "heart grows colder" portion.  I definitely think my ex has a lot of Avoidant in him as well.   When we dated, my ex was gone for 2 weeks on vacation.  When he came back, we went back to my house and he kept repeating that he felt like he hadn't been there forever (which struck me as kind of odd).  It had only been a couple of weeks.  When we broke up, he avoided me like crazy.  It's kind of understandable... .  it's what newly-broken up people do. 

Now, we've been separated for a year, absolute NC for 4 months and he's still avoiding me like crazy... I've said in other posts, he changed gyms, grocery stores, hangouts.  He's always invited to mutual friends' parties and never shows up.  He stopped playing all sports that we used to play together. 

I feel like if he had truly moved on, he would be able to see me and not feel anything.  Or maybe he hates me so much, he can't stand to be near me?  It's weird, because his closest friends (who used to be my friends too) seem to avoid me as well... .  possibly due to smearing?  Or he simply can't stand to see me, because it would evoke emotions that he can't deal with.  I'm still not sure. 

[nowwhatz]

You know how us "rescuers" find it hard to turn down a pleading BPD ex when they want to get back into our life? I know that feeling like they moved on quickly may hurt. Of course, we hope they remember how good we were to them.  But I balance that against the anguish of saying "no" to her if she asked for a reconciliation. And my mental, physical emotional, and spiritual health depends on my moving on. I'd rather know that she has found a replacement and is not wallowing in any grief.

I have never said "no" but almost did the last time.

Where she gets me is after a couple of months I am closer to moving on she initiates contact and wants to get back together or have sex.

This last breakup I told her I was no longer attracted to her and just want to be friends. Right now we are n/c.

On the surface it would seem like this rule does not apply to my BPDgf r/s... .  she get's lonely, misses me or needs something and then comes back. Usually it takes her at least 1-2 months to get to that point and after trying out other guys (none of which will put up with her).

Yesterday the T asked me "what if she doesn't contact you again?"

I did not really have an answer.

[GreenMango]

Yesterday the T asked me "what if she doesn't contact you again?"

I did not really have an answer.

Oh noo.  This is a good topic for a thread.  It may help to talk it out and prep with others.

[SarahinMA]

Yesterday the T asked me "what if she doesn't contact you again?"

I did not really have an answer.

Oh noo.  This is a good topic for a thread.  It may help to talk it out and prep with others.

I'm 100% sure my ex will never contact me again.  He has plenty of sources to depend on in his current living situation and he can't even stand being in the same room as me.  He has never reached out since the day he broke up with me.  Sometimes I want him too... .  just to apologize or acknowledge that we did happen, but the rational part of me says that would be horrible.  It would just set me back and pull me into that toxic pattern again. 

[Kiss Of Kismet]

This thread is very powerful and insightful, I appreciate all your contributions because I had a largely Long Distance Relationship and have had to wonder these questions over and over again, especially after she broke up with me.

[duncanville1]

Ok all, here is my issue that keeps me in the fog. I was apart from my diagnosed girlfriend for 2.5 years! We have a child which I never met until our last recycle in April of this year. What jacks me all up, when we reconciled she told me that she missed me every day. She has never dated or been with anyone except me since we met in 2010. She said she always knew we would be together in the end. If I had not stopped contacting her back in 2010/2011 we would have never been apart. Does anyone else see how completely confusing this is? She has now went NC again for the most part. I still have VERY limited contact as I now have rights to my daughter. I need to hear the rational side to this.

[love2give]

I am convinced that my ex does not think about or miss me in the least. Why would she? I was the reason why she was so unhappy and miserable right? I was the one that emotionally abused her and psychologically scarred her right? Why would you miss someone like that? Lets not forget that when these vipers split with us, they paint us black, tell horrible lies about us to gain sympathy (because we can not forget they are ALWAYS the victim), and more often than not have someone new in their beds before the dust settles.

My ex broke up with me and days later was screwing the neighbor. The reason why absence makes the heart grow colder is because they have moved on to someone new. You mean nothing to them anymore, you have served your purpose, you are past your expiry date, in the garbage you go along with the rest of the trash. In order to miss someone you actually have to have feelings that go beyond yourself. Have you ever noticed that BPD's are so self absorbed? It is all about how they FEEL all the time. What your feelings or needs are, are not as important as their needs and feelings. It will always be that way. Finally we have to remember these people are mentally ill (I prefer evil, but I digress), they don't think like normal people, they don't feel like normal people, they definitely don't see the world like normal people, and unlike normal people have no capacity to love beyond what they can ultimately get out of it. Out of sight, out of mind. That is how it works with these wretches for human beings. I would have more sympathy if they would be willing to seek help, but as this support group proves, most of them don't and we as the TRUE victims have to deal with the fall out and destruction they have left in our lives. They all can go to hell.

If I could just read this post every time I get the urge to break NC I would be ok.  Thank you

[Infared]

I am convinced that my ex does not think about or miss me in the least. Why would she? I was the reason why she was so unhappy and miserable right? I was the one that emotionally abused her and psychologically scarred her right? Why would you miss someone like that? Lets not forget that when these vipers split with us, they paint us black, tell horrible lies about us to gain sympathy (because we can not forget they are ALWAYS the victim), and more often than not have someone new in their beds before the dust settles.

My ex broke up with me and days later was screwing the neighbor. The reason why absence makes the heart grow colder is because they have moved on to someone new. You mean nothing to them anymore, you have served your purpose, you are past your expiry date, in the garbage you go along with the rest of the trash. In order to miss someone you actually have to have feelings that go beyond yourself. Have you ever noticed that BPD's are so self absorbed? It is all about how they FEEL all the time. What your feelings or needs are, are not as important as their needs and feelings. It will always be that way. Finally we have to remember these people are mentally ill (I prefer evil, but I digress), they don't think like normal people, they don't feel like normal people, they definitely don't see the world like normal people, and unlike normal people have no capacity to love beyond what they can ultimately get out of it. Out of sight, out of mind. That is how it works with these wretches for human beings. I would have more sympathy if they would be willing to seek help, but as this support group proves, most of them don't and we as the TRUE victims have to deal with the fall out and destruction they have left in our lives. They all can go to hell.

If I could just read this post every time I get the urge to break NC I would be ok.  Thank you

It's a great observation of the situation.

I was severely traumatized in my relationship. In the end she started a relationship with someone else while still living with me (5 yrs.)... . he became the hero, me the villian, but I had no idea WHAT was going on... . or why there was this abrupt change as I was just being lied to and manipulated by an extremely sick person. Expert. Hope you have kept up the NC.  It is not easy. After 11 yrs. I am still twisted up inside over that.  I loved the person so much, but hate them so much all at the same time.  No one should have to survive that inner horror.  I can see now that that person is very ill... . and try to have some empathy, but in the end I need to take care of me (that statement took lots of therapy! LOL). Therefore, I just can't afford to have any interaction with the BPD. NONE. Even after all this time. She attempted an "ambush" on me in a parking lot on recently. I TOTALLY avoided her "assault", and took care of me. it wasn't easy. It is a matter of survival for me... . and sad to know it is a matter of total insignificance to the BPD. Own it!

[TitaniumPhoebe]

In my case I felt so smothered by my uBPDxh that I had to get away and absence made my heart grow fonder.  He wanted me to be his whole life to the point of engulfing me. But after a while it was more of a relief I felt being away from him than anything and started missing him less and less because when I was away I was no longer stressed and afraid.

[samIam85]

Many times in my life I have quoted the saying "ignorance is bliss" sometimes I have wished my intelligence was below normal verses above. Then I wouldn't feel or be aware of some of the cruelty and misgivings that are apparent in this world.

 I have to admit my insight and intuition is usually very good but this one got me when least expected.

God this hit the nail on the head. I actually gave up my sobriety thinking if I could dumb myself down that I would be able to rationalize her actions and be able to respond in a productive way. All I did was enable her to keep on doing the cruel things she did. I have an upcoming court date with her so that I can get an RO to protect myself from her pimp. I plan on painting a very vivid picture of what she did and am not going to give any room for her to be able to  portray the victim. I just hope for the sake of her child that she recognizes that she's going to destroy the lives of anyone that cares about her if she doesn't get help