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Author Topic: What criteria does a pwBPD use in selecting thier next victim  (Read 1294 times)
TheSomberlain
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« Reply #30 on: May 14, 2011, 07:23:53 PM »

The irony in all of this is that Waifs are really looking for sadists in order to prove their theories about the World. They initially attract Heroes that provide them with protection, mirroring all the best qualities of humanity- then slowly turn those qualities into controlling aspects, claiming abuse, and then defaming and slandering the good until it becomes bad. All in order to attract a new Hero.

I cannot think of anything more insidious than turning a hero into a sadist. Incomprehensible to most people but right as rain to the disorder.Idea

Mine was a Waif. Perhaps why I don't believe they just fall in love with "anybody" as previous posters have implied. Different BPD types beget different perspective on this illness from us. Any one of us isn't inherently wrong in this regard. Even as she was exiting the relationship she even said "You were supposed to be my knight in shining armor." All I could think was, "I thought you'd grow up"  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #31 on: May 14, 2011, 09:24:46 PM »

I think they select the next one the same way as we all do. But they are extremely good at catching a new partner. They maintain incredible eye contact, use compliments and look a little vulnerable. They instantly start the mirroring. Maybe they lower their standard a bit to avoid being alone. But they are trying to find a "good" man to have a real relationship with.

i suspect that might be how mine was with the new guy, but not with me. she behaved in a way i never saw again, once we were a week or two into our relationship. she had kind of a btchy nervousness. she definitely had a problem maintaining eye contact, though. i tried to kiss her pretty early, and i could tell she wanted to, but was nervous. eventually she kissed me. but it was this distinctive blunt, btchy nervousness. i for whatever reason anticipated this, and played it off nicely. again, otherwise i never saw this behavior, including eye contact problems, ever again.
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« Reply #32 on: May 15, 2011, 09:10:22 AM »

Even as she was exiting the relationship she even said "You were supposed to be my knight in shining armor." All I could think was, "I thought you'd grow up"  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

My exBPDgf said "You are not the man I expected you to be". Now I understand she was very far from the girl I expected her to be.

I cannot think of anything more insidious than turning a hero into a sadist. Incomprehensible to most people but right as rain to the disorder.Idea

In her head my exBPDgf turned me into a sadist at the end. A nightmare of the worst kind. When she discarded me I didn't know anything about BPD. She was completely out of control or maybe controlled by the disorder. A real Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde transformation. Now it makes sense. I think BPD is the worst mental illness you can imagine. Because it's hidden and it destroys the life of so many partners.

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« Reply #33 on: May 27, 2011, 09:19:40 AM »

Easier to manipulate and control has been my experience, someone emotionaly unavailable also seems to fit.

I'd also agree with this. when I became emotionally unavailable, she was all over me. She said, "I've never met anyone like you before... .how can someone who annoys me so much, turn me on so much?"

Me being "annoying" was showing her love and affection, and she'd emasculate me for being that way because - to her - it was an effeminate trait. But when I stopped being that way, she done a 180 turn around. fact is, if I'd remained emotionally unavailable, she would have started telling me I'm cold and emotionless to her. So you can't win either way.
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Worndowndad
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« Reply #34 on: May 27, 2011, 10:06:01 AM »

Excerpt
How do they select the next one?  Whoever is sitting in the closest barstool to them and seems to respond to their charms.

I'm not joking about this.  I don't think there's a complicated selection process.  I think it's proximity and willingness to engage with the BPD.  

I totally believe this it is anyone who gives them attention.  It is a plus if they are married so its not consistent only on her terms.  Mine got with the married unemployed neighbor.  There is really no rhyme nor reason to their insanity.  Her boyfriend of seven years is vice-president of his company has a boat, drives a benz, lives in a big house and she is cheating on him with the unemployed neighbor.  It really is who ever shows them the time of day.  

Excerpt
My exBPDgf said "You are not the man I expected you to be". Now I understand she was very far from the girl I expected her to be.

My exBPDwife said the same thing "You are not the man that I married."  This was after she devalued me and was having multiple affairs.  

I understand she is not the woman I thought she was either.  A friend of mines husband had been cheating on her for years.  She said 'when I think of him now, the man i feel in love with is gone." To me its a little different with a BPD.  The woman I fell in love with was never there.  It was all a sham a total lie.  There was no person that changed, she was always that person I just didn't see it.  

I was naive, when we first met she was cheating on her fiance with me. I didn't know he was her fiance till she dumped him.  She even told me "I have cheated on every man I have been with until you, I finally found my prince."  What a moron to think I was any different then any of her other prey.

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« Reply #35 on: May 27, 2011, 11:11:04 AM »

My uBPDw told me "I never loved you, I only chose you because you were safe".

Wow.  My wife said essentially the same statement. This is when she had treated me to one of her wonderful monologues about how horrible I am.  I asked her if I'm so horrible why did you marry me?  Her response:  "Only because you loved me so much you made me feel safe".  I now believe she was being completely honest. 
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« Reply #36 on: May 27, 2011, 12:16:52 PM »

dragonheart,

yeah, i think borderlines in particular hate sweet sappy guys or anybody that seems too into them. that was the lesson i learned with the first two. with the third i had the game down considerably better. with the last one, she would always express that i had the perfect mix. in this relationship, it was the first time i ever even uttered words to indicate a breakup. i did have a natural confidence around her. there was nothing i could do to shake her. i could be every bit as romantic as i wanted to be. but i always maintained some degree of detachment. and now i've realized this was all learned behavior and defense mechanisms and  PD traits s. it may be the reason the relationship lasted as long as it did. it had exactly the same conclusion. i still agree with the person who said the borderline tends to go for the non with self esteem issues at their core. i think they are also strongly attracted to "what feels familiar".

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Why Why Why
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« Reply #37 on: May 27, 2011, 12:21:20 PM »

I'd agree with what has been posted on the thread however the underlying and critical element to a BPD's choice of partner is a non with self-esteem issues. I include myself in that and reading the many sad stories on here it's the one aspect that stands out for most.

A relationship with a BPD doesn't get off the ground with someone with healthy self-esteem, respect and therefore boundaries. The intense nature of a BPD relationship, the intoxication of instant love is simply the non feeling completed or whole and the BPD being able to feel loved (bond is more accurate), both on a very temporary basis. The truth is that a loving relationship is a slow and ever expanding experience based on mutual respect, affection and admiration. Between two partners with healthy self-esteem the relationship doesn't act to fulfull deep set emotional issues of each partner.

If an individual with healthy self-esteem entered into a relationship with BPD they wouldn't put up with the abusive behaviour that often occurs very early on, they wouldn't be hooked on the intoxicated nature of the honeymoon phase to the same extent and wouldn't be drawing the same emotional nourishment that us non's with self-esteem issues gain from a BPD relationship.

My exBPD began to behave abusively within a matter of days, I was well aware of the red flags but the intoxication and temporary feeling of self-worth the relationship gave me meant that I was prepared to pay a heavy price, any price to maintain the relationship.

I suspect if you look at most partners a BPD selects they will be someone with self-esteem issues at their core.

I agree with this post.  pwBPD do have selection criteria at a concious and sub-concious level as they know how to separate the "healthy" ones from the not so healthy.  I do not believe they just go for the next person who will meet their needs.  They must be able to take advantage of the next person, so that would imply there is some separation criteria being processed.  They know how to identify the 'weak' ones and pounce on those (self-esteem issues at the core sums it up nicely).  As I mentioned in another thread, pwBPD don't go for healthy individuals who possess strong personal boundaries because their "tricks" won't work on those people.
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Worndowndad
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« Reply #38 on: May 27, 2011, 12:32:30 PM »

Excerpt
They know how to identify the 'weak' ones and pounce on those (self-esteem issues at the core sums it up nicely).  As I mentioned in another thread, pwBPD don't go for healthy individuals who possess strong personal boundaries because their "tricks" won't work on those people.

This statement may be true.  I have read Borderlines are often attracted to Narcissists like magnets.  Makes sense under the false superego is a very damaged self-esteem. 
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DragonHeart
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« Reply #39 on: May 27, 2011, 01:41:49 PM »

Excerpt
yeah, i think borderlines in particular hate sweet sappy guys or anybody that seems too into them

See, she was a totally different person on facebook and on the phone; she made out that she just wanted a guy to love her, and that's all she ever wanted. So I thought this was what she wanted, yet she couldn't seem to handle it when she was in the zone. She'd cuddle up to me when we were watching a DVD or whatever, then she'd start blowing cold after a while, so I was pretty confused about how to handle things. Then she'd dump me, and then try to reengage me on the phone, telling me she loves me deeply, and that I'm the only man who ever loved her and made her feel safe... .that's why I was really confused about everything.

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« Reply #40 on: May 27, 2011, 02:36:50 PM »

well of course you were! you were in a relationship with a borderline

yes thats closer to how it was with the first and second. i would chase any affection, at certain points. i started to learn if i acted mad the tables would turn. by the last one, had she ever turned it off, so would i, so i really don't think there was ever a time she wasn't affectionate.
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« Reply #41 on: May 27, 2011, 03:43:23 PM »

well of course you were! you were in a relationship with a borderline

yes thats closer to how it was with the first and second. i would chase any affection, at certain points. i started to learn if i acted mad the tables would turn. by the last one, had she ever turned it off, so would i, so i really don't think there was ever a time she wasn't affectionate.

Yeh Lucky, I hated having to adapt my personality just to make her want me. I found that mirroring her was causing me to become like my borderline because my emotions were swinging back and forth like a pendulum, and it was causing me internal chaos. She called me a pussy boy, and that's why she kept dumping me, but I used to have a serious anger problem when I was younger, and the anger I was carrying around was making me paranoid.

I spent years trying to mellow out and calm down; I succeeded in doing that, and it felt good to have that level of inner peace for once, but she kept on goading me by emasculating me, so I raised my fist to her once and I was seriously going to punch her in the face, and she became terrified and ran in the house and put every lock on the door. I could really feel myself slipping back into my old ways, and I've got no doubt that if I didn't end things when I did I would have started beating her. I know that's totally wrong in every way, but I felt so overpowered by her constantly gnawing at me all the time, that I felt the only way to silence her and have power over her would be to assert my masculinity by physically dominating her. I knew that I'd have ended up in deep sh!t in doing that, so I got out before it got to that stage, and I'm so glad I did.

I started chatting to a girl on facebook who I used to know from years ago, and she seemed like a lovely girl then. However, she'd just split with her bf and started bashing him on her fb wall -- calling him a liar. This was a serious red flag to me because this is what my ex used to do to me and all of her ex's -- absolute attention seeker and drama queen. So I stopped talking to her after that.

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« Reply #42 on: May 27, 2011, 10:52:47 PM »

How do they select their next hmmm well my husband did find someone a month after cutting our relationship off we had been seperated 2 and a half years but still together every weekend and then he totally ended that. Well she couldn't accept he was not going to divorce me he told me he broke up with her because "we" made the decision to stay married until we found someone else to marry.

Then he found someone immediately after her who must have accepted this sitation whom he is still with . I met her accidently 2 months after at the house .He had me come over to get christmas presents he told me come over I thought he said 2 apparently it was 3 and she was there. Well she was heavier and very plain looking and got up and left without a goodbye basically to anyone.  We visited for a couple hours he never told me she was his GF but called me a few days later to chew me out for being inconsiderate and making her feel uncomfortable ... .I said what how do you think I felt I AM YOUR WIFE!

In any case the GF before me was also average looking and sort of looked like the current GF shorter and heavier than me and not even a HS graduate ... I have a college degree am a couple inches taller blue eyes and light colored hair similar to his first wife but any of his GF have all been brown eyes ,brown hair and dropouts not stupid but maybe he felt superior . He only has a HS diploma but excellent paying job. He also is very life smart and hands on smart I'd say.I also believe he wouldn't be with anyone who couldn't hold an intelligent conversation so his GF although dropouts must also be intelligent enough to hold his interest (maybe he believes he is making them better then dumps them ?)Because they start to question him finally.

Maybe I was his challenge he thought I was so smart, better looking  ... .so he had to marry me and destroy me emotionally and succeded beyond anyones dreams we are still married and sep over 5 years... I am the fool.

His GF now must be worse off as they say ... she went back to school on his dime and got into the same exact job I had before I became disabled strange wonder if she feels like he is making her into me somehow and he could toss her easier kind of ... .his house... .his support... .etc...
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« Reply #43 on: May 28, 2011, 03:46:49 AM »

well of course you were! you were in a relationship with a borderline

yes thats closer to how it was with the first and second. i would chase any affection, at certain points. i started to learn if i acted mad the tables would turn. by the last one, had she ever turned it off, so would i, so i really don't think there was ever a time she wasn't affectionate.

Yeh Lucky, I hated having to adapt my personality just to make her want me. I found that mirroring her was causing me to become like my borderline because my emotions were swinging back and forth like a pendulum, and it was causing me internal chaos. She called me a pussy boy, and that's why she kept dumping me, but I used to have a serious anger problem when I was younger, and the anger I was carrying around was making me paranoid.

I spent years trying to mellow out and calm down; I succeeded in doing that, and it felt good to have that level of inner peace for once, but she kept on goading me by emasculating me, so I raised my fist to her once and I was seriously going to punch her in the face, and she became terrified and ran in the house and put every lock on the door. I could really feel myself slipping back into my old ways, and I've got no doubt that if I didn't end things when I did I would have started beating her. I know that's totally wrong in every way, but I felt so overpowered by her constantly gnawing at me all the time, that I felt the only way to silence her and have power over her would be to assert my masculinity by physically dominating her. I knew that I'd have ended up in deep sh!t in doing that, so I got out before it got to that stage, and I'm so glad I did.

I started chatting to a girl on facebook who I used to know from years ago, and she seemed like a lovely girl then. However, she'd just split with her bf and started bashing him on her fb wall -- calling him a liar. This was a serious red flag to me because this is what my ex used to do to me and all of her ex's -- absolute attention seeker and drama queen. So I stopped talking to her after that.

i certainly wouldn't call you a pussy boy, but it's difficult to imagine a kind soul with an anger problem. and i do thank god that these relationships give us the gift of insight. what i've realized is that without knowing it, a huge part of me kept trying to put on new and better armor, and venture into the dragons cave and beat it. i spent three years single, and decided it was time. the troubling thought in my mind was "even if its another crazy one. this time i'll be able to beat it. this time, i'll even walk away if i have to." i was kidding myself, and that's exactly what i got myself into. in the prior relationships, i'd felt like i was in a competition i didn't sign up for. i wanted to be that significant ex, if anything. the one that they couldn't get over, or would remember the most, what have you. i think i achieved that, but at all cost, no gain. certainly no dragon slain.

you do have to essentially adapt your personality. by the fourth it was really just a natural detachment and keeping my distance, not to say i wasn't completely hooked, but i always felt, to put it simply that she "liked me" more than i "liked her". i loved her, don't get me wrong, but at the same time i couldn't really tell you why. the ways in which i mirrored her really creep me out now, and i probably wouldn't recognize myself. i'd have childish, needy moods with her, and as much as i absolutely hated it, i even picked up on the baby talk    i suppose i don't need to tell you don't ever let anyone, especially your significant other, call you a "pussy boy." the last ex had behaved that way with others (told me she told her first ex that everyone thought he was gay, had the balls to lecture her second one on "not being dependent on mommy" but that just would not have flown with me. turn my life upside down sure, but don't you dare call me a pussy.

i certainly don't judge you for reaching such angry heights. you have to remember you're human, and you had someone pressing your buttons, who is a master at pressing buttons. thank god you didn't do it. not only for obvious reasons, but had the relationship continued if you had, it would have been a constant issue and almost certainly gotten worse. my ex pushed my buttons like no one i've ever met and caused violent reactions out of me, not at her, but in general. i never would have struck her, but when they flash that STUPID smile, who wouldn't want to? i think perhaps the craziest was when i was at the hospital with her, as her grandpa was dying, and she was being a total btch to me. believe me, i tried to suck it up. i knew she must have been going through difficult things. but its when he actually died, and we left the hospital she really picked it up. i was in such an impossible position. totally lost it and went a bit hysterical while having to drive her back. ended up pulling my own hair out, which was a pretty extreme behavior for me. basically i was shouting at her that i was HERE for her, and she was treating me like this, and that i knew what she was going through, but she just couldn't treat me like this. somehow in all this she managed to turn it around on me as an hit_ treating her like sht when her grandpa just died. to top it off, when we got back to her apartment complex, she demanded to get out and walk. she got out. i pulled up and tried to convince her to get back in the car. she wouldn't, so i'd had it and i sped off, with no choice but to leave her to walk the couple blocks to her apartment.

not only do they bring out the worst in us, but they can turn us into the bad guys in any case.
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« Reply #44 on: May 28, 2011, 02:21:16 PM »

Mine told me a month and a half after our break up that she had developed feelings for a co-worker that was a recovering drug addict and already had a girlfriend. Considering he had a girlfriend, she tried saying it wasn't cheating because she couldn't do anything with him... .but its still emotional cheating and it hurt to hear that so long after the break up. Just a general opinion, but they tend to be homewreckers and also go for needy and vulnerable people with self esteem problems (which clearly a drug addict is a vulnerable person).
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