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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Why would a BPDgf not admit to cheating?  (Read 13771 times)
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« Reply #30 on: November 15, 2011, 11:57:07 PM »

it is impossible to know, but the signs are all there, from my experience.

1. secretive of her own business (phones and the like)

2. projection. its not a 100% guarantee, more like 90. i've seen some people i believe to be borderline accuse of cheating, and i would bet fortunes they never cheated.

3. your gut is telling you this. when it comes to a borderline, ive found your gut doesn't lie, no matter how crazy it seems at the time.

4. the washington trip, and her "we just had coffee" ring very familiar.

5. that "busy so i can only see you on this day" rings very, very familiar. that's similar to what i got, which only further convinces me in my own case.

6. the projection usually escalates when they are actually cheating. i believe it did for me.

7. shes made you out to be a cheater, so of course its okay for her.

i don't have definitive proof either, but lets just say i have more than suspicion. again, when your gut tells you something like this with a BPD, it never lies. regardless, she's been dishonest with you, repeatedly.

its a horrible, awful feeling to have to even consider    . my advice is dont prove it to yourself, but assume that its true. that's always worked for me. i believe i've dated 4 borderlines, all of whom i am convinced cheated on me. but for some reason, that's never hurt me much, i guess because i tend to find out/realize after the fact, and in two of the cases, had no definitive proof.
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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #31 on: November 16, 2011, 04:41:02 AM »

Everything posted in this thread I have experienced with my ex.  She has accused me of cheating numerous times and said I do not act with intergrity and honesty, yet she is the one cheating.  Absolutley amazing!

Two yrs ago when I knew my ex was cheating, I physically caught her kissing the guy.  They were 10 feet in front of me and there was no denying it on her part.  She raged on me, threatened, and became vicious.  A month later she came running back.

My ex is cheating now, yet again.  Same projection crap.  What would happen if I physically caught her again?  What actually happens when they cannot deny and must face their guilt?  Does her rage get worse because her guilt level is higher?

[/b]


   She would just say that you guys were really split up, or that in her mind you were through, or any number of excuses to twist it in her mind, and this is the kicker, SOMEHOW BELIEVE IT, IN HER MIND ( this is the illness working). The dymanics of the illness, causes this much dysregulation in the brain, from her childhood trauma. This is what gives us the  ? momments. The stuff we cant wrap around our heads, because we cant make sense of it, and some never will.

    As I have been going through my recovery and self help. I see now, how I was raised by, somewhat, emotionally unavailable parents. Left to figure out things, way too much on my own as a child. I became a thinker, when navigating through life, not a feeler. I believe having a balance of this is key. Too little or too much, of anything is rarely good/ healthy. After meeting BPD, she allowed myself to pull all these wonderful emotions, from my inner child, that I craved to feel, to the surface. Giving me this illusion, that she was the one. I now know, I dont need BPD to have this.  PEACE
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BlushAndBashful
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« Reply #32 on: November 16, 2011, 07:18:50 AM »

I don't think the "not admitting to an affair" is exclusive to BPD. Honestly, I think that's kind of standard behavior for a lot of the "normal" world out there.

Not that it's right, mind you. But neither is the infidelity.

As far as my dbpex- I don't think he really had any physical affairs or one night stands. His infidelity was emotional. Since day one, he covered up running around with another woman (who was totally "safe", and we could have been really good friends if he stopped with the lying, omitting, hiding... .oh, and painting me black so she hated me).

The one time he did have a one night stand, I'm still pissed at and it hurts like hell. We were married but he had decided to file for a divorce. He hadn't talked to me in two months, came home from Iraq, and then slept with someone. In his mind we were broken up (which, um, I guess we were... .even though his PTSD, combat stress, and BPD was what pushed him into a really bad place where he wanted the stupid divorce).
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alwaysloving
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« Reply #33 on: December 10, 2015, 07:28:14 PM »

Because of adandonment fears a BPD would get very upset if you were the one cheating. For them they feel its okay to cheat, but you better not cheat on me.

I know this is a old thread (don't kill me!) But I noticed the same with my exBPDgf... while not in a relationship any longer... holy cow if I said anything about I had more then the number of women I originally told her she would flip out on me and this is with the not dating status she would be like "you better not be telling me more lies!" it seemed a bit extreme for not being in a committed relationship.
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True Grenadine

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« Reply #34 on: December 11, 2015, 08:59:32 AM »

I've had similar... .The projecting by my GF that I'm cheating... .Her Disappearing for hours... .Her afternoon showers and the inner thigh bruises that mysteriously appear... .I'm done and happy about it. I finally found the strength to open my eyes to the reality of how toxic and one sided the relationship was after I realized that I had shifted attachment styles from secure to anxious before meeting my BPD GF.  I shifted due to becoming a widow and loosing my wife of fifteen years to cancer... .Through therapy and reading about attachment styles I've been able to build myself back to a secure place and now see my live in GF as a lying, manipulating cheat that's uses verbal and emotional abuse to gaslight and split the truths... .And to hide from me her life of lies and drug addiction.

Move on my friend as you can do better... .

TG
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