Did your BPD flirt with members of the opposite sex with you right there?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The hardest thing to get my head around was the way my stbxBPDh acted whenever we went out in public.  He would basically act like I wasn't there while he stared, played the 'eye catch game', flirted with and even sometimes followed women - all with me right there. He would always deny it and have "no idea what I was talking about".  Is that possible or just an excuse. (I tend to think excuse).  I had to wonder, if he did it with me there, what was he doing when I wasn't?

Anyone else suffer like I did?   It makes me never want to date again because it really affected my self-esteem.  I am relatively attractive and men look at me, but the wounds he inflicted were deep.  Please tell me this gets better.

[Hyacinth]

The hardest thing to get my head around was the way my stbxBPDh acted whenever we went out in public.  He would basically act like I wasn't there while he stared, played the 'eye catch game', flirted with and even sometimes followed women - all with me right there. He would always deny it and have "no idea what I was talking about".  Is that possible or just an excuse. (I tend to think excuse).  I had to wonder, if he did it with me there, what was he doing when I wasn't?

Anyone else suffer like I did?   It makes me never want to date again because it really affected my self-esteem.  I am relatively attractive and men look at me, but the wounds he inflicted were deep.  Please tell me this gets better.

[BraveTwoZero]

Yes.

My Ex was pretty gorgeous, and she would even get dressed up sexy to go to AA meetings that I attended with her - (sadly she bailed on AA after a few short months and began self-medicating again with booze again... while on her meds.)

When I questioned her on this oddity she turned it around and attacked me for "controlling how she should dress." She thrived on validation no matter where it came from, and whether I was there or not. It was hurtful since I told her how wonderful she looked daily, sometimes even twice daily.

[Worndowndad]

Mine was always looking at the men. I would catch her staring and she would say please give me more credit than that. I ended up knowing her type of guy. At parties she would flirt hard in front of me.

[DrawingBlanks]

Anyone else suffer like I did?

Yes. Mine would play the victim in need of rescue, openly flirt, ogle men, and even asked me what I thought of them/their physical attributes. Left feeling totally invisible and damaged my self-esteem as well.

He would always deny it and have "no idea what I was talking about".  Is that possible or just an excuse. (I tend to think excuse).

Could be either. He could have been somewhat aware and in denial or thought it shouldn't be a problem. Or completely oblivious.

What was his reaction or what would it have been if you were doing the same?

the wounds he inflicted were deep.

They can heal. 

Please tell me this gets better.

It does get better. It can take time, but it does. 

[Hyacinth]

Oh, he was always projecting - making me the bad guy (girl).  He would accuse me of the very thing I confronted him about.  I am the most faithful, loyal person and would never do anything like he did to me.  Once, at an out of state wedding, he ignored me for 5 hours while he checked out a blond.  He didn't even know I was there!  I had to introduce myself to his family and sit alone and watch him watch her.  It took a long time to see the pattern, but that time was the worst!

[Why Why Why]

My ex flirted all the time with other while I was there.  It makes you feel incredibly invisible.  Not sure if it was a concious action, but it happened a lot and when I would voice my displeasure she would only twist it around.

I believe there's definitely, at the very least, a subconcious motive on their end, which I'd venture to say is to make you jealous so that you'd cling/throw yourself at them more.  Over time, it breaks down your self-esteem because you're afraid if you aren't good enough you'll lose them, so it makes you work that much harder.

I suffered like you, but it does get better.  Believe me, it does.  You are worth more than this guy made you feel, in fact, your ex knows your value is priceless hence why he had to try and break you down due to his insecurities.

[Worndowndad]

I believe there's definitely, at the very least, a subconcious motive on their end, which I'd venture to say is to make you jealous so that you'd cling/throw yourself at them more.  Over time, it breaks down your self-esteem because you're afraid if you aren't good enough you'll lose them, so it makes you work that much harder.

Exactly, its all about control. Whats the ultimate control and sure fire way you not abandon them?  By destroying your self esteem it keeps you needing them that much more. My exBPD used to tell me when she got hit on. She would say "a surgeon at work was flirting with me. I had to tell him i was married.". Why say that?  I have had woman flirt with me, but certainly wouldnt cause pain to my ex by telling her.

[AlexDP]

Oddly enough no... she didn't. But she did always accuse me of flirting. I did not by the way. I just casually spoke to other people we hung out with.

[EmmyLou]

Yes.  My BPD although when we went out he flaunted me, would still flirt with others.  One time he took me to a Halloween party and didn't tell me it was gay or that clothes were optional.  I was the only "real" woman there besides a stripper and my BPD vanished during her strip for about an hour.  Another time he took me to a golf event and didn't tell me it was the strippers event.  None of the ladies had tops on, there was no food and only booze. He tried to get me involved in a threesome and when I refused he went into a rage.

I'm usually one of the most attractive women at our events and he knows it but it hurts me that he has this problem.

[iceman10]

Yes many times. My exBPD fiancée seemed to forget me at parties. She danced with a lot of men and even went outside to "talk to a man". I think dancing with other men is Ok at a private party but going outside in private with a stranger to me is not. When confronting her after we came home she only said "Oh an old friend - he meant nothing". After confronting her again my exBPD fiancée didn't apologize but only said OK. Actually this was one of the few red flags   I recognized. I missed so many.

[htl67]

while he stared, played the 'eye catch game', flirted with and even sometimes followed women - all with me right there.

Ooohhh  - the eye contact game. I almost forgot about that. Oh how I hated watching him do that. And it would always go on for so long that I always wondered what the hell was going on in the women's minds too. I mean, when I'm out and I notice a guy staring at me, if he's with someone or maybe even not, I just ignore it.  I got to the point where I could spot the woman in the room that he would be drawn to, and then he would begin this ridiculous game with her. Usually it never even led to them speaking but obviously he got something out of this behavior. And yup - one time at the airport I sat and watched him stare at some blond while we waited for what seemed like an eternity for our bags. Me, invisible. Him, making a total ass out of himself because he was so obvious that I saw other people looking and then looking at me. I felt pathetic.

[Hyacinth]

WOW, htl - I actually had to look at who wrote your post because I thought I did it and forgot! I, too got to the point where I knew who it would be and I was almost always right - usually a blond.

And I agree, if a guy is with a girl and checking me out, I just ignore it because I know how she feels and would never hurt another girl.  It certainly didn't make me feel attractive, only pissed off!

Ane the airport - what a hot bed of activity for a BPD.  Mine stared at a girl so long that she just glared at him and was mad, but he continued to do it.  He even did it on our honeymoon, positioned himself at the luggage carosel so he could stare at her.  When I asked why he moved away from where the luggage came out, he made some excuse, but I knew.  As we were walking away, he stopped and turned around for one last look.  We had been married all of 8 days.

If I really thought back, I could name hundreds of times he did it.  Why did I stay?  I really don't know because this was the thing that bothered me the most - until the abuse started.

Did he make you feel like you were his "mother" and he hadn't yet found his perfect sex partner? 

[htl67]

No, he made me feel like I was his perfect sex partner cuz he told me so - . These eye contact episodes could occur right after a fabulous romp or before - no rhyme or reason. In private, there were times when he made me feel like I was the hottest thing out there, and sex was so awesome that I knew he was attracted to me. After I wrote the previous post, I was thinking about how although it bothered me greatly, I never actually called him out on it, and it was mostly because we already had so many other issues with other women and him maintaining that I was just insecure, that I didn't even want to go there about this. But I remember walking into somewhere... .restaurant, airplane, whatever... .and if I saw a woman I knew he would like, my heart would just sink... .like oh sht, here we go... .

How did he make you feel like his mother?

[Hyacinth]

I have to agree with you about the sex - it was terrific and, according to him, I was the reason - no one was as wonderful, sexy, blah blah blah as me.  However, if they really love us like we do them, then there is no reason to check out every piece of a... .everytime we are out.  I really started to call him on it everytime and realized I was distancing myself as a result.  DO THEY NOT realize how their behavior does the very thing they don't want - push us away.  I was realy good to him and took care of him in a way, I now realize, was what he always wanted from his own mother, but she wasn't able to provide because she was busy keeping the abusive, alcoholic father away from he and his siblings.  I am a very nuturing person, just want he was looking for.  He gave back at the beginning of the relationship, but once we were married, totally changed and it was awful. 

[once removed]

hyacinth,

no, not really. i wouldn't have tolerated it anyway. i DO now suspect that she was probably doing it behind my back, but not at all like you describe. the other borderlines i dated probably did more of this and i'd have put up with more of it back then.

i can definitely and obviously see where and why this would effect your self esteem and confidence. don't get me wrong, mine are shot too, regardless of that not happening. yes they will come back. yes it does get better. 1000 fold, seriously. you'll be the most confident person you've ever seen, IF you do the healing. i tend to think anything you can do to work on or improve self esteem and/or self confidence in the aftermath of these relationships is pretty much the number one thing to do. it has been suggested to me that working on new skills, even old skills, can be helpful in this area, among other things. find yourself again, and love yourself. no more need to compare yourself or have yourself compared, or feel like you're in a competition you didn't sign up for. i don't know if the behavior was on purpose or conscious or not. it may not have been at all. remember, for borderlines its learned behavior. making you the slightest bit insecure was a must for him and if he had any INTENTION, that was probably the extent of it. try to remember it wasn't just callous, cold treatment. he had a reason for doing it, even if that reason was stupid. it's about the disorder.

[jalk]

Yupper. And I was also projected upon. When I would ask a store clerk for help and talk with the clerk about an item, my exBPDer would get really mad and say that I was flirting. She then told me how she was going to leave the store and go sit in the car.  Unreal! She would flirt whether I was there or not.

[Inspirationneeded]

Yep she sure did, until I stopped giving her a reaction from it.  When I stopped caring she gave more effort to keep my attention.  However, she has managed to find one guy (that I despise anyway even if she wasn't flirting with him) that gets a rise out of me.  Coincidence that his name always comes up when we are having arguments?  Probably not.

[ve01603]

The hardest thing to get my head around was the way my stbxBPDh acted whenever we went out in public.  He would basically act like I wasn't there while he stared, played the 'eye catch game', flirted with and even sometimes followed women - all with me right there. He would always deny it and have "no idea what I was talking about".  Is that possible or just an excuse. (I tend to think excuse).  I had to wonder, if he did it with me there, what was he doing when I wasn't?

Anyone else suffer like I did?   It makes me never want to date again because it really affected my self-esteem.  I am relatively attractive and men look at me, but the wounds he inflicted were deep.  Please tell me this gets better.

Exactly the same thing.  I could have written this myself.  I am an attractive woman and he purposely did a number on my head.  I am very apprehensive about getting back out there.  He tried to make me jealous all the time, and then at the end told me that I am jealous of all other women.  I said yes I am and you did everything you could to make me that way.  And there was no intimacy between us at all because he was a Narcissist. 

[ve01603]

WOW, htl - I actually had to look at who wrote your post because I thought I did it and forgot! I, too got to the point where I knew who it would be and I was almost always right - usually a blond.

And I agree, if a guy is with a girl and checking me out, I just ignore it because I know how she feels and would never hurt another girl.  It certainly didn't make me feel attractive, only pissed off!

Ane the airport - what a hot bed of activity for a BPD.  Mine stared at a girl so long that she just glared at him and was mad, but he continued to do it.  He even did it on our honeymoon, positioned himself at the luggage carosel so he could stare at her.  When I asked why he moved away from where the luggage came out, he made some excuse, but I knew.  As we were walking away, he stopped and turned around for one last look.  We had been married all of 8 days.

If I really thought back, I could name hundreds of times he did it.  Why did I stay?  I really don't know because this was the thing that bothered me the most - until the abuse started.

Did he make you feel like you were his "mother" and he hadn't yet found his perfect sex partner? 

Same stuff.

[ve01603]

I have to agree with you about the sex - it was terrific and, according to him, I was the reason - no one was as wonderful, sexy, blah blah blah as me.  However, if they really love us like we do them, then there is no reason to check out every piece of a... .everytime we are out.  I really started to call him on it everytime and realized I was distancing myself as a result.  DO THEY NOT realize how their behavior does the very thing they don't want - push us away.  I was realy good to him and took care of him in a way, I now realize, was what he always wanted from his own mother, but she wasn't able to provide because she was busy keeping the abusive, alcoholic father away from he and his siblings.  I am a very nuturing person, just want he was looking for.  He gave back at the beginning of the relationship, but once we were married, totally changed and it was awful. 

You know, that makes things clearer.  Everyone, his mother, my ex-husband all told me that I was a mother to him and that he was looking for a mother.  His parents had moved out of state and his dad was also and alcoholic and he hated his father.

[ve01603]

I am blonde and he would always want me to dress sexy if he was going around friends that he knew a long time ago.  That is because there was a rumor going around that he was gay and I think that he used it to try to dispell that rumor. 

That's O.K.  On many occasions when I was out with him, I had guys give me their card and ask me to call when they saw that he was falling down drunk and ignoring me.  And of course, I was always loyal and never called any of them.

[Undertowed]

You know, that makes things clearer.  Everyone, his mother, my ex-husband all told me that I was a mother to him and that he was looking for a mother.  His parents had moved out of state and his dad was also and alcoholic and he hated his father.

I am blonde and he would always want me to dress sexy if he was going around friends that he knew a long time ago.  That is because there was a rumor going around that he was gay and I think that he used it to try to dispell that rumor.  

My BPDexbf acted similarly.  He seemed to want me to get pregnant as if it would force out my maternal instinct.  I made the mistake of curling up with him and having a pep talk about him finding his passion in life and changing jobs and how his late father wouldn't want him to end up in a van down by the river.  I think he liked that supportive attention so much he went a little nuts with it and wanted to keep me around permanently as a mom.    Of course I don't really want a 40-something grown ass man to be my "child"!  

I also suspected that he felt guilty that he wanted gay male attention, not necessarily because he was gay but because he wanted some male as well as female nurturing.  Interesting stuff.

[ve01603]

You know, that makes things clearer.  Everyone, his mother, my ex-husband all told me that I was a mother to him and that he was looking for a mother.  His parents had moved out of state and his dad was also and alcoholic and he hated his father.

I am blonde and he would always want me to dress sexy if he was going around friends that he knew a long time ago.  That is because there was a rumor going around that he was gay and I think that he used it to try to dispell that rumor.  

My BPDexbf acted similarly.  He seemed to want me to get pregnant as if it would force out my maternal instinct.  I made the mistake of curling up with him and having a pep talk about him finding his passion in life and changing jobs and how his late father wouldn't want him to end up in a van down by the river.  I think he liked that supportive attention so much he went a little nuts with it and wanted to keep me around permanently as a mom.    Of course I don't really want a 40-something grown ass man to be my "child"!  

I also suspected that he felt guilty that he wanted gay male attention, not necessarily because he was gay but because he wanted some male as well as female nurturing.  Interesting stuff.

Interesting point.  Mine also wanted male attention and I thought that he was either gay or a Narcissist, but it might just be because he claims he got none from his dad growing up.

[nonbpdnyc]

Hyacinth, she did it at least three times.

The first time she turned around and gaslighted me to the point I ended apologizing! Ha!

Then it got more obvious. To the point that the third time I actually said to the guy, "Really dude? you're following up when you see a ring and the husband right there? Really?". He apologized. Alas, she, never!

It's one of the very few things I don't like about NYC. I've seen both men and women behave in such shtty ways.

I'm an attractive Latino. All the time there will be some woman on a date eyeing me when the guy is distracted. I consider that a pretty obvious sign of how loyal or ethical that person is.

[Lostwithbpdwife]

Yupper. And I was also projected upon. When I would ask a store clerk for help and talk with the clerk about an item, my exBPDer would get really mad and say that I was flirting. She then told me how she was going to leave the store and go sit in the car.  Unreal! She would flirt whether I was there or not.

This was my experience too.  Not always but often enough she flirts with guys in front of me, not overly flirtatious, subtle, but noticeable enough to me and the other guy to make it unconformtable (for me at least).  Then she has the nerve to tell me I'm overly flirtatious with women.  When I ask her for examples, she talks about my interactions with hostesses and waitresses!  One minute interactions where we exchange niceties and nothing more!

[Worndowndad]

I'm an attractive Latino. All the time there will be some woman on a date eyeing me when the guy is distracted. I consider that a pretty obvious sign of how loyal or ethical that person is.

Probably just identified a borderline.

[Sir5r]

How is this.  When I used to walk around campus with my GF (now wife) she had lots of male friends, so she would talk to them a lot.  Well, out at the bars and in the college pub she would french kiss some of them right in front of me.  Oddly it was never with guys I knew well or knew she had dated.  She said one of then used to come in the yearbook darkroom at night (completely dark in there)  and "maul her.". I could never get her to define "mauling" at the time and never since but now that I know she is a BPD I can only imagine.

I really would like to know what the hell I was thinking back then.

Red flags much?

[Hyacinth]

We get such mixed signals, don't we?  The loving, sweet, totally-entralled man one minute, then like a dog in heat (sorry guys) the next.  I think that is what made it so hard - that he could act like he loved me so much (and told me constantly), then act like I wasn't there to check out every girl with miles.  I don't remember him looking for male attention, but I can see why someone from a dysfunctional family with an abusive father, might look for the father figure.  Lord knows he found his mother in me!  

Thanks to all of you who have responded - you have helped me understand that it can be part of BPD - I really didn't know that before.  That helps the healing process.

[ve01603]

We get such mixed signals, don't we?  The loving, sweet, totally-entralled man one minute, then like a dog in heat (sorry guys) the next.  I think that is what made it so hard - that he could act like he loved me so much (and told me constantly), then act like I wasn't there to check out every girl with miles.  I don't remember him looking for male attention, but I can see why someone from a dysfunctional family with an abusive father, might look for the father figure.  Lord knows he found his mother in me!  

Thanks to all of you who have responded - you have helped me understand that it can be part of BPD - I really didn't know that before.  That helps the healing process.

Someone that knows more about this than me is welcome to comment, but actually, it seems to be more NPD I think.  They have to have the Narcissistic Supply sometimes from both sexes.

[ve01603]

I love to go out and do things and I am usually the one that is getting compliments on my clothes and looks, etc. 

However, during all of this, I actually got to where I avoided social situations because I didn't want him flirting and devaluing me.