Hey,
I am not sure where to start with this. I suffer from BPD.I was diagnosed at the start of the year after several suicide attempts.
I guess this topic caught my attention.
I am 21, turning 22 soon. I was in a long term relationship which was not working. The relationship was physical. And I used to blame my partner of that time for allot of the issues.
But I left this partner last year 2 months before my father died of pancreatic cancer. My father was diagnosed in February 2010. My relationship with my ex partner was turbulent. He was very needy and possessive. I felt smothered and controlled and I wasn’t allowed to enjoy my own passions or hobbies.
But in saying all this when my father was diagnosed, I took on the role of carer. It was unthinkable the thought of my father dying. I have a much damaged relationship with my mother whom suffers from BPD also aswel as Bi Polar. So taking my father’s diagnoses of terminal cancer sucked big time. I hid under my desk for hours and cried when my partner was not around. I did every bit of research I could to try and help him. I even contemplated killing myself to give my father my own organs. I suppose I just had allot of thoughts that he was going for good and it was wrong to me. To my siblings and me, he was invincible.
When my dad did pass, I felt relief for the first week or so. Only simply for the fact he was out of pain now.
I had started a new relationship with a friend I met through mutual friends. He was 26 at the time of my dad’s death and was a great support. I had been interested in him for a year or so before my father’s death.
He did see that I was not coping very well after the first 2-3 months of dads passing. My partner brought to my attention the fact I was not dealing well with my father’s passing. I would not get emotional about it. It was out of the question to talk about my father’s death. My partner did put pressure on me to talk to him or a professional about my grief. (I do not regret the pressure my partner put on me, cause I am no longer suffering as bad as what I had been before)
It was like after he pushed the wall down I had built up (to protect me from the pain of my dad’s passing) a wall of emotion followed. I was fired from my job. I lost friends and my relationship with my new partner was also becoming turbulent.
My partner and I still maintained our relationship even though it was rocky. We moved in with friends together. It seemed I was happy to have him around more than what I did before. But like usual BPD, it did not satisfy my emptiness, and I would have often started fights just to see how far i could push my partner away before he left.
I attempted suicide several times, not for attention as such, but for the pain to go away. I was hospitalised on about 4 of these occasions. I spent one night in the mental health facility in our district. I was assessed by a psychologist, doctor as well as a psychotherapist.
I was advised I had depression from my father’s passing. In saying that I took up counselling and anti depressants.
Things seemed to steady out for around a month or so. But my temper and mood swings still remained. My partner did some research and came across BPD. There was not a lot of help in my local area for this type of condition. So i decided to move towns to attend DBT as well as CBT classes.
It was difficult to begin with but identifying my behaviour as a personality disorder helped. It wasn’t permanent damage. I realised I could repair my issues with will power and determination.
Since attending these classes some of my normal regular BPD behaviours have been repressed. These include
*Not wanting to fight with my partner (not starting fights)
*Not overreacting in fights. I suppose having more rational thoughts as well as respect for my partner.
*More of a settled stable level of mood.
*My reactions to situations have been more stable with less overreaction.
*Less aggression and painting my partner out as the “bad person”.
*More sense of identity
*Accepting I do have issues and seeking all the help I can for my recovery.
I suppose from a BPD’s point of view I can say there is a massive sense of abandonment as well as anger towards the parent who passes. For my partner he copped a lot of sht, and he was frustrated in the relationship.
But now I am seeking help with CBT as well as DBT our relationship has been much more sustainable and we have for the first time in our relationship made plans for our future together.
My partner feels a great sense of hope as before the diagnosis and recovery he was overwhelmingly frustrated, to the point where it has caused him considerable mental anguish. Obviously the frustrations remain, but it is slowly dissipating as the signs of improvement become more and more apparent.
Advice from the BPD is that this disorder was not caused by the actual BPD, but by events in their childhood. So don’t blame them or hold it against them. But in saying that, the BPD cannot get help until they are ready. Much like a drug addict. So if your partner is seeking help, then I suppose have faith in their ability and determination to recover and repair themselves and their relationships.
Advice from the BPD partner. Pointing out to the BPD sufferer their faults is pointless; telling them what they are doing wrong is pointless. The only way the partner can communicate with the sufferer is to let them know how they feel without confrontation and not to have a distinct expectation of remorse or empathy. It takes a long time for the BPD sufferer to make the connection between positive outcomes and positive reasonable behaviour but when it does begin to happen it gives massive faith the there can be a reasonable outcome to future relationships and their rough periods. The ability to realize the hierarchy of the things that are important in life is essential and that
“it’s not wrong, it’s not right, it just is”.
Hope this helped you all a little and feel free to ask questions.
Cheers
