I never liked her

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The less I think about her and the longer I haven't been in touch with her, the more I realise I never liked this girl. Don't get me wrong, she was very fun to be around and we had a blast in the beginning, but I always found her to be a bit too narcissistic. I also thought she wasn't particularly intelligent, caring or hardworking. She was generous to some people, but showed very little empathy to the ones she didn't care for. I also noticed straight away how she would, on purpose, try to hurt people around her.

Hell, now that I think about it, the first two months or so (I'd say I was in a position of power at this point in the relationship) I often told her that what she did wasn't right. I often told her to be more polite towards others and I made it known when I didn't like a certain behaviour of hers.

I guess that I never really thought of it as a relationship between equals. I was, in effect, trying to raise this girl?

[AlexDP]

The less I think about her and the longer I haven't been in touch with her, the more I realise I never liked this girl. Don't get me wrong, she was very fun to be around and we had a blast in the beginning, but I always found her to be a bit too narcissistic. I also thought she wasn't particularly intelligent, caring or hardworking. She was generous to some people, but showed very little empathy to the ones she didn't care for. I also noticed straight away how she would, on purpose, try to hurt people around her.

Hell, now that I think about it, the first two months or so (I'd say I was in a position of power at this point in the relationship) I often told her that what she did wasn't right. I often told her to be more polite towards others and I made it known when I didn't like a certain behaviour of hers.

I guess that I never really thought of it as a relationship between equals. I was, in effect, trying to raise this girl?

[Vagabond]

The less I think about her and the longer I haven't been in touch with her, the more I realise I never liked this girl. Don't get me wrong, she was very fun to be around and we had a blast in the beginning, but I always found her to be a bit too narcissistic. I also thought she wasn't particularly intelligent, caring or hardworking. She was generous to some people, but showed very little empathy to the ones she didn't care for. I also noticed straight away how she would, on purpose, try to hurt people around her.

Hell, now that I think about it, the first two months or so (I'd say I was in a position of power at this point in the relationship) I often told her that what she did wasn't right. I often told her to be more polite towards others and I made it known when I didn't like a certain behaviour of hers.

I guess that I never really thought of it as a relationship between equals. I was, in effect, trying to raise this girl?

But thats just it isnt it Alex, these r/s are not equal, its there way or the highway. My ex was polite to peoples faces but behind closed doors... u turn!... .So the Oscar goes to ( fill in your ex name)

But i tell you what though, i wish i had not liked her, things would have been a lot easier now... .i dont hate my ex, i dont think i can hate actually but i dont like her now and doubt that will ever change.

Once the mask comes off and you see through the charade of the relationship, then no way was what i had a relationship, and i am struggling to even think it was a friendship also, my take on friends is that they are people you can rely on, trust,have proper conversations with... .none of that stuff was ever truly there with my ex... .she talked about herself and i listened, try it the other way round and no interest at all... .nope i dont like her end of

[GoneToTheDogs]

Well, I liked her - unfortunately I still do (a bit). But she has damaged me and that's why on reflection I have to agree with you.

What I have come to realize is that I ignored way too many red flags in the beginning of the relationship. She always used to say that I was the sensible and clever one out of the two of us and that she was the funny and pretty one. What a dumb statement - I know! I guess knowing that we were total opposites made me more susceptible and willing to compromise. And being branded as the more "sensible" one let me assume the role of her carer.

Here are just some of the many red flags I ignored (similar to yours):

 Narcissism: One of the last sentences I remember of her was "I think I'm just exceptionally intelligent!" but she would also often come out with stuff like "I'm gonna be a millionaire one day" or "I'm always right" or "I would love to date myself"

 Lack of Empathy/Intelligence: I used to write her uni essays for her because she couldn't string sentences together. She used her flatmates, and made rather racist remarks (the amount of arguments we had because of her racist outburst - I'm so ashamed I allowed this to happen).

 Lazyness: She would spend all day in bed, claiming to do uni work while I was out there working on my 9-5 job. I would come home just to find myself doing household chores on top of her academic work (she used to get panic attacks and stress rages when the deadlines had piled up on top of her)

 Trying to hurt people/ laughing at somebody's misfortune: I hated some of her humor. She would laugh at people hurting themselves, she would deliberately try to make me trip in the street or take the mickey out of overweight people. She would provoke people or tell bogus stories and then be unbelievably amused if they believed it. She would sometimes not care to resolve those "joke-lies" which I found even more off-putting. To other people she would appear like the sweetest thing but behind the facade was nothing but vindictiveness.

There are many more but I guess key to this is that I will never ever ignore my gut feeling like it did when I first met her.

TRUST YOUR OWN INSTINCTS> that's what I have learned.

[Marcie]

Yea i liked him too, but there were definilty a lot of things about him I did not like too.

I also felt like it was an unequal relationship and I was raising him.

he was charming and funny and good looking though. BLEH!

I disliked that he couldn't be happy for others.

I disliked that he talked behind peoples backs.

He had a really negative outlook on life.

All this was killing my spirit.

he was a vampire.

[harlemgurl]

I'm three months out and the further he becomes in my rear view mirror the more apparent it becomes to me that we didn't have that much in common. Honestly enough the sexual chemistry was what keep the coals burning for a good while. He was stunningly handsome and very sexy.  ;p  And boy did we get it in. The sex was most certainly the focus of the relationship.

Outside of the bedroom we shared a love of music, movies, food, and I listened to a lot of his problems. That's where the emotional bond enmeshed us. He did talk about his friends and how stupid he thought they were. But I always thought to myself "we'll you're not exactly Newton either".   What started to bother me the most was his lack of identity. He even started repeating the things he would hear me say to sound smart. In many ways he parroted me.

My uBPDexbf just seemed to be pieces of experiences rather than a person who knew himself from the inside out. Because of BPD now I know why. When I started to realized how hollow and empty he was I could give a toss about his good looks.   Now when I see him I think he's the ugliest man in the world.

[Why Why Why]

There's a lot of truth to this now that I'm out of the FOG.  I realize that I liked one aspect of my ex, specifically, the Oscar-worthy actor side that had me fooled.  The real her I never liked, and ironically, she would mention that to me in subtle ways.  My ex is a bully, she's mean, she's deceptive, she's a liar, she's manipulating, she has no respect for herself and others.  Now that I've met other women who do possess respect and goodness, I realize I settled for my ex and consequently did try to raise/elevate her.

That ONE side to my ex is not the entire her, therefore, I did not like her... .and I thank my lucky stars she ditched me.  The subsequent pain and heartache are priceless life lessons that have only strengthened me and caused me to grow in ways I needed to grow in order to become a better individual.

I've read a lot of posts from others drooling over their ex's as though they're the last person on this earth, and that is disturbing because these people are still caught up in the attachment.  Don't get me wrong, I was there too almost idolizing how "amazing" my ex was, but now that I'm no longer attached I think how stupid I was.  There are MILLIONS of amazing, hot, sexy, gorgeous, charming, intelligent people in this world... .why on earth do we waste time over ONE looney toon?

[SunflowerFields]

I liked him. Many aspects of him.

He was/is brilliantly intelligent, witty, great cook, openminded, adventurous, exceptionally capable when he wanted to be. It might take him a long time to make up his mind about something, but once he did - I have never seen someone execute faster and more efficiently in my entire professional and personal life. Sexually, it was fireworks - at least until he became very controlling with it. When it worked, my god - this man knew how to work me better than anyone. The bond was magnetic, animalistic - very raw.

But - his disordered aspects made me lose respect for him. His victimhood. Pathological lying. Fear. Fear of EVERYTHING. Inability to be straight with me. Control. Manipulation. Getting involved in a side business with people who are so much less than him to make himself feel better about it, in an area that could ruin his entire career. Parroting people and their ideas. Lack of insight. And again - fear. Of everything. People. Events. Things. Life.

I was looking to him as my leader, as my guide. He was older than me. How could I continue to respect him when his entire being was like a small child?

Just sad.

[once removed]

you know, i think most of us feel this way to some degree. anybody who saw a red flag saw something they didn't like about the person they were with.

i know i felt it. i didn't mean it when i told her i loved her too, for the first time, and i didn't believe it when she said it.

she didn't meet most of my values. a few of them, i simply thought she did. loyalty being one of them. sex being another (that i was not mistaken we shared as a value).

i remember at one point (late in) thinking "she likes me more than i like her and i love her more than she loves me". that was grossly simplifying. i liked her. sometimes i was crazy about her. but i didn't really respect her. i didn't agree with lots of ways that she carried herself in her relationships with others, let alone me. and of course, i absolutely believed she loved me, and i still do. but it was the lack of maturity that i saw in it. i needed someone, who, when i needed someone, was really there with me in whatever pain i was going through. i can also outargue myself with introspection. i need someone who can offer me words of wisdom when i can't offer them to myself.

i knew she was WAY more dependent on me. this was evident as i could not stand to hear from her, avoided going to see her, kept my cell on silent as a mere text from her triggered anxiety, and she NEVER tired of me, could never drag herself away, even after days on end cooped up together, endless texting, etc. loneliness and neediness. so it was impossible not to feel in power during the entire relationship. i DID choose her though, so it didn't feel like power because i didn't exercise it.

during the relationship and even now i can't tell you what i loved about her. i read someone else say they felt like it was the love of a parent and a misbehaving child and that they felt like they were raising her. alex, it might have even been you that wrote that? whoever did, that describes it for me pretty accurately. there was the intense bond. i've had it before with a few other borderlines. this had all of them beaten. i've never been as comfortable with a person or close to a person in my entire life. i loved her for her flaws. i thought she had tremendous potential. im not sure what i'd call it now, but i wonder if she still does.

i believe, like the others, at some point i'll arrive at a sort of "what did i SEE in this person?" and never feel the same way about her again. im not certain of it. but i recall that virtually everything about having to deal with her annoyed me. going out with her in public. hanging out with her and anyone else almost 100% of the time. seeing her behave completely differently with everyone. disorder or not, having the ability to steal from me, and wrong me to the extent she did. but this is the dumbfounding thing about coming out of these relationships. we're all here. we can all count the ways we were wronged. we'll probably all get to the point where we are either indifferent or contemptuous, we've got our lists, and yet we pine for and obsess, and our worlds are turned completely upside down. im reflecting more these days on the idea that they gave us a gift, and i've seen others expressing the same sentiment. it's like we needed this and/or were destined for it. and the ways in which we dated ourselves, or replayed previous relationships.

[aussiecowboy]

I know that I have finally come out the other side of this and how it has left me feeling is that I don't think I have any respect for these people, I am starting to question what I saw in him, I don't hate him but my feelings are not far off that, I feel that he deserves what he gets, you can't go around hurting people BPD or not and expect good things to happen for you like he did.

I was a bit stressed when he was here living with me, when we would be out or just at home I felt I had to keep him happy but obviously I couldn't, I see things different now and realize that he wasn't such a nice bloke after all, when somebody deliberately says nasty things to hurt you how can you respect them or even want to know them, and in truth, I don't care now if he is sitting miserable, he has caused enough hurt and pain for others, he is responsible for himself and he knows he has BPD so he needs to address that and if he doesn't, then he chooses to be miserable but don't put your misery onto others.

[humptydumpty]

but this is the dumbfounding thing about coming out of these relationships. we're all here. we can all count the ways we were wronged. we'll probably all get to the point where we are either indifferent or contemptuous, we've got our lists, and yet we pine for and obsess, and our worlds are turned completely upside down.

I'm definitely cycling through the listing of things I didn't like about my uBPDexbf and the pining and obsessing.  I keep asking myself why and what it is I miss orw ant because I think if I could identify it, I could convince myself otherwise.  So far, I think I'm just having a hard time letting go.

But yes, there are a lot of times when I remember something and I think, "Ugh, I really hated that about him."  A lot of it was what some of you have listed.  But the next moment I might be remembering somethign else that was good.  Above it all though, I think there was definitely a lack of respect, at least in those aspects.   Mine was a veteran, so I really respected that.  He told me once that he'd spent a lot of money buying a homeless guy groceries insetad of just giving the guy money; I admired the altruism.  Although, as a side note, while we were dating, I helped him work on a paper where he advocated doing life-threatening experiments on homeless people for his philosophy class.

I didn't like the constant road-raging.  Eveytime he called me while he was driving, he yelled and screamed at other drivers (random outbursts). 

I didn't like how he constantly pointed out how fat/short people were and the racists comments he made towards one particular group of people.  I didn't like how it made me start to have the same thoughts.  And I don't like the fact that my thoughts are still "tained" by these thoughts nearly everyday.

[pffffpeace]

indeed, I remember that really soon in the relationship i discovered things I absolutely didnt like. I also remember not trusting some statements (even in the first week). but I decided to let it all pass because no-one was perfect and who was I not to trust someone who could tell me all theese personal things about her in the past (that thought backfired quite strong). there where just so many things that got me hooked in the first night already. It's insane how I still sometimes have to remind myself of all the bullsht lies that I refused to think of as important, eventhough I new at the time something was wrong

[goodmann11]

I am becoming obsessed with this site and again like everyone else keep questioning and trying to make sense of a 3 year rollercoaster ride. My ex BPDgf absolutely idolised me at first  she was 17 years my junior. I had no clue about BPD before this and at 47 had had plenty of gfs. Straight away within an hour of meeting her from pof she had invited me to her 30th birthday party (at her parents house) would run up and kiss me while there and I was bowled over flattered had met a young attractive sexy girl and the parents all in one hit. After months on pof kissing frogs my princess had arrived. When I went to leave the party she came running down the stairs with her bags packed! We spent our first night together in a hotel 3days after I first met her and she was so sexually intense it was amazing...

In the morning she would just gaze at me and and tell me I was so handsome... . Yes Im ok presentable dress well drive a nice car but hey I had not experienced this before. Very soon she was just waiting on my doorstep when I got home unannounced. I was a busy professional at the time and used to my own space so I was felt slightly engulfed but she would look so hot that although I would express surprise and question why she was there. I couldn't turn her away... I didn't realise that this was part of the seducing stage. I am the type to play it cool very early on with woman as I have been a bit of a player so this only fuelled her more. Looking back and knowing what I know now I cant believe that it was the start of me being played!

she would come into my house and just simply say "do you want sex" almost straight away and even I know that's not normal but I was just so ignorant then to the traits. She also took on that blank expression which I took to just be nerves or a hangover and without being rude she wasn't the brightest button.

The running off started within the first week... . then she would quickly return. Thought it more childish and insecure behaviour. I experienced a rage within that first week that totally shocked me but put it down to drinking. Her appearance voice and demeanour would change instantly... . where was my idolising little waif?

She kind of moved in immediately some how and you could say we had a spring/summer honeymoon interspersed with running and raging. When on honeymoon you drink a little more but somehow this masked the fact that really we were not on a level only meeting each others basic needs. For her love care support safety sex for me adoration and sex (yes I might be slightly ndp or needy... . I have since realised.

My boundaries were now being continuously tested but they are quite strong but boy was she challenging... . these people are absolute masters of their craft. I ended up with her name tattoed on my back within 3 months of knowing her and mine on hers... . I now realise how important this type od thing is to someone with detachment fears... . May to October was a whirlwind with me changing the house disposing of the past rowing running loving having great sex... . I would get emails texts cards swearing undying love... . But even then I knew thing were not right. She would check my phone accuse me of contacting my ex (no way)go through my stuff in the house looking for any perceived evidence that I was detaching. I was continuously trying to reason with her make her happy put her mind at rest. The accusations and paranoia was unbelievable but I would starting to see it as normal. By late October we had split I went NC... . Only then did I get the biggest red flag ever.

She is back at her parents has hit the bottle in the afternoon. (Look I now know the BPD fears loneliness and detachment and still in the idolising/clinging stage. Although they will introduce the hate early if you let them, she was vulnerable and dangerous... . light fuse and stand back)

I get a call at 3.30 to find she has driven her car through the front of my house... . she is 4 times over and the subsequent insurance claim was 18k... . She claimed it was a suicide attempt... . WOW welcome to the world of a BPD relationship...

shocked stunned didn't really have the emotional resources to make sense of it all... . why didn't I know about all this before!she was injured banned probation community service. she could add all that to her already 30K bankruptcy court hearing... . credit cards... . Why was I overlooking all this. I have high standards for myself... . Yep people please fixer Knight in shining armour syndrome. Hello perfect  match made in hell... .

I went no contact her parents charmed me back in as she had been sectioned... . They are nice people and in hindsight were probably trying to keep me on board as part of the primary care team...

Pulled back in after a few weeks my prospective Queen soon to be witch had been reduced to hermit/waif. We recycled and suddenly the original dynamic was resumed. Her now with no car no job her self worth ruptured I become again chief carer/white Knight. Her role as idoliser/clinger was re enforced so there we are happy in our little co-dependent world me with no real agenda but enjoying the validation and her well probably slightly frustrated that her usual dance was taking so long... . After all this older guy had tried to split with her... . this hasn't happened before I normally get my way through screaming threats guilt obligation fear... . Hey hold on he has clever girl... . You are back with me even after trying to knock my house down. I have re enforced my role as carer and she has been rewarded for  please read               |ting on the carpet... .

So we jump back on the rollercoaster repeat repeat repeat run run run push pull push pull... . Alcohol and non alcohol fuelled arguments abuse on both sides by now (I am traumatised by the accident she lives in the now and seems to not be too affected by it). Not a week went by without I am leaving... . ok go... . well pack my bags... . yes I will... . ok put them in the car... . ok I will... . Take them out... . No! physical violence from her threats... . her family were going to get me... I am tight everyone hates me my mums a paedophile!  Unfortunately I now know this to be projection as shewas abused as a child by a family friend and her mother overlooked it and blamed her. GRRRRR I am so sad for her... . We are 3 months apart now I am sure she is with my replacement... . I should of understood all this before... . I miss her but I know that it was toxic for us both... . She is in so much pain why couldn't I have done more! I didn't understand all this enough the triggers etc but I know they can eventually destroy you. Her final demands on voicemail were buy me a car move house leave your job put me in you your will and book a wedding! (I had bought her a ring her father advised me against it)

She had owned all her exs by comparison I had stood up for myself... . I had had enough and can be a bit of a pusher... . i.e testing a girls love for me... . just as guilty as her in that respect but no way near as destructive... i said some nasty things to her one night after a drink and a bad week with her she had ratcheted up things by now. I came home from work the next day she had drunk a bottle of gin her bags were packed and she was up for a fight. I played it cool said where did you want a lift to. Four hours of the most hellish abuse ensued she ran she came back threatened she destroyed. She wasn't coming back in. She ran in front of cars in the dark sat in the road. The police were called she attacked them... . nearly tasered. She was raging... . took 3 to restrain her.

she was convicted... . went back to her mums apparently was all my fault I had wronged her I was to blame for all her misfortune... . I have never done anything for her I was at the all black stage. despite all the care presents holidays love... . Free board and lodgings .

now I am suffering sleepless nights unanswered questions about me us. I am question  my judgement. this site has really helped. she is a diagnosed BPD I mother gave me some info after the car accident but for some reason it disappeared along with all the hateful texts and other evidence. They must know that this behaviour is wrong but only after the even when they feel shame

as you can tell I am in pain... . more pain than in the relationship I swear I feel rejected and don't react to it well to it. Its Easter and I am convinced that she's on holiday with the replacement... . I am struggling like never before feeling very lonely lost and confused 

 

[Tolou]

To be straight up honest. I liked her. I still do even though I'm with someone else, I have soft spot for her. But, I'm not going back, almost 9 months No Contact, not a word and I have to see her at work 3-5 times a week.

I just can't forget the lies, the emotional blackmail, etc... . the blaming, the complete lack and ability to take responsibility for her actions and behaviors. I don't want to be with her, but I learned from being in this relationship as short lived as it was 6 months or so... . Couldn't be in a relationship with a child... . I had to walk away.  But at the end of it all, I still feel sorry that things turned out the way they between us. I'm not mad at her, not anymore, I don't blame her either, I chose to ignore the many redflags, she almost spelled everything out for me, I was too caught up and didn't listen to what lied beneath the surface of her beauty, because inside, what was waiting was this pain.  But I still like her and hope the best for her as a person and just accept that no matter what, even if she were to "get help, get better" she's not for me. She's part of my past, but I think her name, her face, everything that happened between us... . It will always remain there, I can't forget it, the chaos that took place, can't wash it away.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Thanks for the great topic choice

I liked my exBP, (loved him and still do) but I didn't like a lot of things that he did, ways he acted, things he said, and most of all disliked his lack of initiative to seek help for his own issues. I detested the fact that he would freely admit like a bomb that he knew he had them, (god he even joked about it) but did nothing but fob off the inevitable day he would have to face up to himself.

Do I think my ex liked me?

NO

Why?

He resented me

He had no respect for me, (and what he did show was only fake and based on his perception of my status in the community).

He had no respect for my values or interests unless they mirrored his own, hell he couldn't even handle my large 'modern' Television

He was often insulting and disrespectful to me and others behind their backs, people that he knew mattered to me, (my family for example). God, he was disrespectful to his own family behind their backs, the things he said were disgusting actually.

He had a huge sense of entitlement to other peoples things and property, especially mine

He physically abused me, damaged my property, my home, my animals, made the nastiest comments about my body to really hurt me, (he later admitted to not meaning it but saying it to really hurt me), well, it worked, I rarely felt comfortable being naked in front of him ever again after that.

He had no respect for my boundaries

No empathy that was lasting and consistent, (unless for himself over everyone else)

Zero empathy for my needs, boundaries, like sleep, illness, employment, friends, family, responsibilities.

I could probably go on and fill a book with the rest but we all know what it will read

So I can say, that I liked him, way too much

Sadly, he wasn't capable of liking me at all and probably never will be.

[BacknthSaddle]

The less I think about her and the longer I haven't been in touch with her, the more I realise I never liked this girl. Don't get me wrong, she was very fun to be around and we had a blast in the beginning, but I always found her to be a bit too narcissistic. I also thought she wasn't particularly intelligent, caring or hardworking. She was generous to some people, but showed very little empathy to the ones she didn't care for. I also noticed straight away how she would, on purpose, try to hurt people around her.

Hell, now that I think about it, the first two months or so (I'd say I was in a position of power at this point in the relationship) I often told her that what she did wasn't right. I often told her to be more polite towards others and I made it known when I didn't like a certain behaviour of hers.

I guess that I never really thought of it as a relationship between equals. I was, in effect, trying to raise this girl?

Many people here are saying "yes, I really liked her," but I will tell you that I had these same feelings crop up during our r/s, even during the good times.  I knew that my now ex was not my intellectual peer, but then I would say oh, you're just being pretentious.  I knew she didn't share many of my interests, but at the beginning she seemed so interested in everything I had to say that I convinced myself that could change.  I wasn't enamored of any of her interests either (which I realize now were ALL linked to her appearance in some way), but I thought I could teach myself.  I knew we shared different values with respect to work, civic duty, money, etc, but I convinced myself somehow that such difference were fairly common in successful relationships.  She had experiences with drugs and sex in the past that seemed to herald a lack of stability to me, but I convinced myself that she was maturing and (apropos of your "was I trying to raise her" question) that I was part of her maturation.

So why did I stay around so long?  More to the point, why did I try to convince myself so hard that I did like her? I think the real answer is that she fed my ego, both with the way she acted and the way she looked, and that felt so good that I had to convince myself that the relationship was the right thing.  And the idea of helping her "mature" was an ego-boosting bonus. 

[dillan6241]

Many people here are saying "yes, I really liked her," but I will tell you that I had these same feelings crop up during our r/s, even during the good times.  I knew that my now ex was not my intellectual peer, but then I would say oh, you're just being pretentious.  I knew she didn't share many of my interests, but at the beginning she seemed so interested in everything I had to say that I convinced myself that could change.  I wasn't enamored of any of her interests either (which I realize now were ALL linked to her appearance in some way), but I thought I could teach myself.  I knew we shared different values with respect to work, civic duty, money, etc, but I convinced myself somehow that such difference were fairly common in successful relationships.  She had experiences with drugs and sex in the past that seemed to herald a lack of stability to me, but I convinced myself that she was maturing and (apropos of your "was I trying to raise her" question) that I was part of her maturation.

So why did I stay around so long?  More to the point, why did I try to convince myself so hard that I did like her? I think the real answer is that she fed my ego, both with the way she acted and the way she looked, and that felt so good that I had to convince myself that the relationship was the right thing.  And the idea of helping her "mature" was an ego-boosting bonus. 

As a response to BacknthSaddle, I definitely was in the position you were. She had dropped out of high school pretty much at 17, and was kicked out of her dad's house, then her mom's, and then a friend's and starting living with me. She had gotten her GED, but me being 24 and her being 20 I felt that maybe I was "raising" her, helping her mature, and everyone in her family thought that was a good thing. I know wonder if it was, I'm not sure. I had to literally guide and teach her certain life things, like taxes, applying to school, saving money for a goal, just in general being responsible. She started to mature and get better and better, but from what I see now it wasn't real maturation. It was more of her mirroring me and what I wanted from her in order for her to get my approval and love. Eventually my boundaries in regards to being responsible and not over doing it on the partying and drinking every night and having a good stable job, all of this is what I sought from her but it eventually pushed her away to the point where she left. She is now a completely different person, and I thought to myself well at least she's somewhat more mature now, but actually she was never "mature" or gained it in the sense that we think. She mirrored me and what I wanted ... . in fact she applied to school only because I really wanted her to have an education, which she did, but now that we're done and the last I've heard from her she has no desire to go to school.

But overall I did get the same ego boost as you thinking that I was helping her mature, as we were never on the same intellectual level (I have two Masters, her a GED). But what kind of relationship is that where there's a child-parent, its not right I suppose and was bond to crash, sooner or later.

[BacknthSaddle]

Dillan, the story you describe was more or less my exact experience, and I imagine it is similar to the experiences of many of the people who post on these boards.  What I thought was "maturation" was mirroring, and like you her priorities have changed since I've been out of the picture. 

I agree that this kind of bond is can never really be secure and is bound to crash.  What I'm trying to face is that part of me recognized this at the time, but I swept it under the rug because I wanted what I was being fed so badly.  I'm learning how unhealthy it is to really need that, and I'm trying to learn how to be whole so that I don't. 

[BorisAcusio]

But overall I did get the same ego boost as you thinking that I was helping her mature, as we were never on the same intellectual level (I have two Masters, her a GED). But what kind of relationship is that where there's a child-parent, its not right I suppose and was bond to crash, sooner or later.

I can relate to this. My uBPDex completed her High School Diploma equivalent at the age of 26, twelve years later she still needed to be guided like a child at every single aspect of live. At least she was absolutely conscious about this, admitted that she can't possibly be alone and needs this kind of "parenting", attachment. 2010's shark-remora metaphore is spot on.

The funny thing is she brought up education when started her devaluation campaign, in a context that I was not smart enough for her. Not smart enough for a woman who close to 40 had no education, career, savings or even a job.

[Unleashed]

Mine was a project, there was no characteristic that was present for me.  It was 100% a fixer upper case. I though I could use a few brain cells to reason normalcy in her, I was wrong, so wrong.

Intelligent = 2/10

Pretty =        2/10

Nice =           4/10  sometimes

Gossipy =     too much

hypocrite =   yes

sexual =        2/10 something wrong there, no desire

friends =        0/10  wherewolves

parents =       0/10  RUN!

Hmm 15 years later no characteristic has improved, imagine that.

The funny thing is she brought up education when started her devaluation campaign, in a context that I was not smart enough for her. Not smart enough for a woman who close to 40 had no education, career, savings or even a job.

Very close,  I was caused to fail academic courses for a year due to her, then she claimed me stupid.  Actually told others I did the separation so I could study harder because I cannot make it otherwise.  It was nice when my academics went from D-F (with her) to B+ (now).  A BPD takes about 20 IQ points away. Kind of like junk software tying up RAM.  Get the virus out of there.