When a BPD leaves...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was wondering what others experiences were when they had a BPD leave them? I know someone whose gf (BPD) left and he went over to her house for hours and emerged with her again and they've been pretty decent ever since (last 2 years). So that lasted about 10 hours.

What are others experiences with this? I know it's typical they come back in some form... .

[Freedom311]

I was wondering what others experiences were when they had a BPD leave them? I know someone whose gf (BPD) left and he went over to her house for hours and emerged with her again and they've been pretty decent ever since (last 2 years). So that lasted about 10 hours.

What are others experiences with this? I know it's typical they come back in some form... .

[gettingoverit]

My BPD gf told me it was over and that she did not want to try any more (At this point she had broken up with me 5 times in 6.5 years). She essentially treated me like crap because I was angry with her for dicking me around yet again, then started sneaking around and going out all hours of the night. (We still live together because we own a home), then I discovered she had hooked up with my neighbour and former friend and was sleeping with them... .ten days after we split up! She lied and denied being with them, when I caught her in a lie and asked her to leave the house for the night and packed some of her things for her, she called the police saying that she feared that I was throwing her out. She subsequently called them two more times that evening, and almost had me arrested. I have been staying at a friends house since the police incident because my lawyer recommended that I stay away. She then started a smear campaign against me saying that I emotionally abused her and psychologically scarred her! I could not believe it after all the crazy up and down bull I had to put up with!

Now she refuses to meet with me face to face to deal with our house issues. Everything has to be text or email (email I refuse to do). Although I have every right to go back to my own home, if I see her again I might actually be tempted to smack her. Thank goodness she is leaving July 2. I know that I have been painted black, and that she hates everything about me, I also know that I will never ever hear from her again (except maybe from her lawyer because she wants to weasel money out of me). The day that I hear from her again, is the day that pigs fly, dogs can talk, and snails grow legs. I really think it depends on the person and situation. BPD's are not all a like. Some are higher functioning then others. Mine is pretty high functioning. She would never give in to call me, or contact me... .it would mean weakness on her part, and that perhaps she was wrong... .AND THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! Good luck my friend.

[Vagabond]

She would never give in to call me, or contact me... .it would mean weakness on her part, and that perhaps she was wrong... .AND THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! Good luck my friend.

That my friend is so true, nice to see i aint the only one who had one of these

[JamesInAtl]

My BPD wife leaves like she left in the middle of the night. The first time she left was the Friday before our first Valentine's day. Always timed for maximum effect.  I wish I'd known about the BPD back then.  Its getting so bad with what we have been through the last month and a half. I've been trying to unmesh.  She is desperate to pull me back into her web.  Mostly to them leaving is an attention getter unless they have someone who will validate them to go to. At least that is my understanding. I'm here trying to defuse while trying to not get re-enmeshed for the kids. 

I think every BPD relationship is different based on the people involved and the stress. Kids and not really having a honeymoon period meant our relationship went straight into the figurative fire.  However I think it is highly unlikely my wife can have a stable relationship with a man without treatment.

[Freedom311]

She would never give in to call me, or contact me... .it would mean weakness on her part, and that perhaps she was wrong... .AND THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! Good luck my friend.

That my friend is so true, nice to see i aint the only one who had one of these

Hmmm. This is interesting since I've basically felt since day 1 that my ex would NEVER come back to me, even if she wanted it more than anything in the world. She is a stubborn stubborn person. (Leaving seemed to cause her pain and started spiraling behavior, so invalidating that "decision" might be too much dissonance.)

Many of friends, not knowing of the BPD element but know us, finally asked me "if you just go TELL her you're getting back together, I think she would." I thought she might too... .but never thought it would be healthy. Sure, she likes dominance. But my stance since our breakup, even when I missed her like crazy and was at absolute rock bottom, was rekindling any kind of relationship would only be good with a number of improvements, starting with therapy.

Btw my ex left but I'm pretty sure she thinks I abandoned her. Anyone else have that post-relationship dynamic?

[MindfulJavaJoe]

My own personal experience is that my uBPDw wanted me out of her life so she can party, date, have sex with other men (I don't know if she does these things but there were her expressed desires).

She is still trying to control me. Wants me in her life as a "friends". She wants the "best of both worlds". Want her lifestyle etc. She calls me when she is needy and needs advice or a shoulder to cry / lean on. Calls around to my house uninvited and even leans on me physically when we are at major family events.

I have given up ever being this womans friend. She is manipulative and unstable. She has made false accusations of domestic violence against me, refuses to behave in a reasonable way an is so emotionally imature I wonder how I ever found her attractive.

Once painted black I think they are reluctant to take you back (recycle) but when there is no other option you can be their knight in shining armour for a while until you are rejected again.

Unless she is in therapy x 2 per week and making progress I think that trouble and further rejection are lurking behind the next corner.

US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?

I could never go back... .next time she accuses me falsely I could easily end up in a police cell for the night.

[kem]

She would never give in to call me, or contact me... .it would mean weakness on her part, and that perhaps she was wrong... .AND THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! Good luck my friend.

That my friend is so true, nice to see i aint the only one who had one of these

although i'm the one who left my uexBPDgf, this is very true for me too.  i don't expect to hear from her EVER again.  it's been a little over two months since i broke up with her via email, but i have not heard a peep back from her.  no reaction whatsoever.  i honestly expected some kind of reaction.  i'm sure i have been painted black in all sorts of ways.  i shouldn't be surprised though... .because when we were together she told me she has not, does not and will not ever re-initiate contact with her exes.  she is stubborn and will never admit any fault and will never initiate contact with me even if she misses me or wants to talk to me.  i guess i don't expect her to give in anytime soon.  i suppose this is for the better though.

[iceman10]

Mine is pretty high functioning. She would never give in to call me, or contact me... .it would mean weakness on her part, and that perhaps she was wrong... .AND THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! Good luck my friend.

She is the "Cut-off" variety of BPD. The same story for me and my 2.5 y exBPD fiancée. She treated me like crap the last days without any reason and then she broke up over the phone. Just days before she said she loved me. She has been in NC with me since that day 18 months ago. Never heard anything or seen her. During the last phonecall I wanted to meet her eye to eye to return the ring. I also wanted her to tell me why she suddenly bolted. No answer but she accused me of stalking her.

After the initial shock I realized something was terribly wrong. When I found BPD-family I could read many similar stories. She is mentally ill. Sad but I didn't cause it. Now I understand she thinks I'm a persecutor. Sick, sick... .

Here is an old post - one of my favorites. Not off topic I think.

They start by showering us with attention and promises of the ultimate relationship (like we've never experienced before). We think we just won the lottery. If you're like me, you probably give up far too much of yourself and your world revolves around her. They slowly create more & more drama, at the same time degrade and abuse you slowly squashing your self-esteem. Slowly they are choking the life, identity and personality from you. You never really prepare yourself for the sudden break up because YOU are too busy fighting for the relationship. WHAM! Ya never saw it coming did you? Then the break up itself is not normal - they cut you out of their life completely - no closure, no more communication... .so then there you are: no self-esteem, no friends or social life, no babe. Now to add more salt to the wound, the ill ex immediately starts ANOTHER relationship. Slap ya in the face why doesn't she? How dare she ever do that to ME! Of course we can't imagine being with ANYONE right now which makes us feel even WORSE and CONFUSED about what the relationship was really about. So now you are struggling with closure, trying to understand how you got booted from the Garden of Eden, etc. etc... .You toss and turn and think to yourself... .WHY WHY WHY COULDN'T I JUST FIX HER! Maybe if she would just go to counseling or take meds, etc, etc. How can I ever get that special feeling back? Then out of the blue ya get re-engaged and nothing feels right. So then your pissed that she destroyed the specialness of the relationship... .meanwhile, she's probably messing around with a few other guys too. ARRGGGHHHH! Could life possibly freakin' SUCK any more?


... .and then finally you have to accept the unsettling fact: "it is what it is". Your closure is no closure because she was sick. If you understood her, and she is mentally ill, doesn't that make you ill too? Hmmmm... .Then slowly you realize that you don't need someone else to validate yourself.


So what ruins our self-esteem? The CONSTANT barrage of abuse and projection by the BPD. At some point you start to question yourself (even though you know it's their issues), which starts to erode your self-esteem. When you get re-engaged, you get upset that you don't have the control - another hit on your self-esteem. They seem to "forget" all about you & start another relationship quickly. In your mind you think, maybe I'm not that special. Look at how quickly she's happy. We all now know the reality is they're just as miserable. You may have given up a lot of your identity and friends to be in this relationship. Since they cut you out of their life so quickly now you're alone and you KNOW your friends are thinking "told ya so". Most likely it was YOU who was doing all the fighting to save the relationship - yet it failed. You probably identify with the failure - yet another hit on your self-esteem. Oh yeah - let me toss this one in too. Many BPD's have YEARS or perfecting their coping mechanism by projecting a different personality in public. Just to make matters worse & slam your fragile self-esteem a little more, many of your friends just don't see her sickness and can't relate to what you're going through. UGH! A BPD break-up is like the perfect storm of despair and hopelessness.

The real question is: what is it about these relatoionships that DOESN'T ruin or harm our self-esteem? LOL

-NH

[Vagabond]

Nice find Iceman

That just about sums my relationship up in that post. I think personally we go in to shock when we are just cut off like we never existed, i think its the body's way of coping. I think i tried for 2 weeks to get some closure and just like you i then heard she was saying i was obsessed and stalking her. Its like you just want to get hold of them and say ' hey remember me, we were a couple for x number of years and now you are saying im obsessed and a stalker... WTF are you playing at saying that?'... .but we dont, we just take it on the chin because that is all we ever did. I put some people straight re the truth of what did happen, but you could see it in there eyes that they somehow could not believe me or it confused them because my ex wears the oh so perfect, butter wouldn't melt mask... .to all others she is ' normal'.

But yeh, cut off is bad, really bad... .it is there last power play, there last kick in the nuts on you, they dont look back and see the damage, the few times i did see my ex at work before she left, she could not look me in the eye, she would look everywhere but at me. They know exactly what they are doing and no one will persuade me differently.

[Freedom311]

Iceman - that post just about sums it up to a tee.

For me, the inability to recognize mental illness was huge. I was blinded because I was so blindsided. I knew she had BPD tendencies, history of abuse, anxieties, etc. but for some reason when that stomach punch came out of nowhere, my world was spinning so hard it was NOT easy to identify illness.

Sure, you think "how could someone be so sick? What the hell is going on here?" But there's something about your own experiences as a human that makes you say "the more likely explanation is that what we had wasn't real. Even a crazy person couldn't convince themselves that I'm STALKING her... .we almost just got married!" (didn't happen to me, but still... .)

I did have a similar dynamic though where she very quickly and suddenly condescended to me like I was more distant and more *inappropriate* than a stranger trying to pick her up in a bar. It was impossible to see at the time, because of the sense of betrayal, what drove that mechanism in her. It was fear that created an extreme shift in how she viewed me. Like a defense mechanism. And it's startling for any sane person to behold.

Imagine, being in a loving a relationship for 2 months and having sex with a girl and in the middle of it she pepper sprays you, yells "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME!" and runs out of the room crying rape. Instead of going to the police though, she runs into your next door neighbors apartment, who happens to be a 400 lb cocaine dealer, and jumps into bed with him. She demands you watch, but the whole time is yelling "leave me alone you pervert." That's pretty much what the shock feels like.

[iceman10]

It was fear that created an extreme shift in how she viewed me. Like a defense mechanism. And it's startling for any sane person to behold.

For me the extreme Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde transformation in just hours was terrifying. First I though my uexBPD fiancée was joking or playing a game. When I realized she wasn't joking I couldn't believe it. Was it real or was I crazy? I tried to speak to her and remind her I was her fiance. We were going to move together in just a couple of months. She was in some kind psychosis. She looked to me like a stranger and she was afraid of me. I will never, never forget this transformation into a completely different character. Worse then the worst horror movies. At that time I didn't know anything about BPD so it was just crazy and surrealistic. A couple of hours later she went home without saying anything (we had a LDR). I tried to give her a hug but she stepped back and appeared scared. This was New Years Day 18 month ago. I have never seen here since that horror moment. She broke up over the phone a couple of days later when I called her. I've never spoken to her since that phonecall. She doesn't answer mails or phonecalls. As soon as I found out about BPD and her mental illness I stopped trying to contact her.

[Mystic]

Here is an old post - one of my favorites. Not off topic I think.

They start by showering us with attention and promises of the ultimate relationship (like we've never experienced before). We think we just won the lottery. If you're like me, you probably give up far too much of yourself and your world revolves around (him). They slowly create more & more drama, at the same time degrade and abuse you slowly squashing your self-esteem. Slowly they are choking the life, identity and personality from you. You never really prepare yourself for the sudden break up because YOU are too busy fighting for the relationship. WHAM! Ya never saw it coming did you? Then the break up itself is not normal - they cut you out of their life completely - no closure, no more communication... .so then there you are: no self-esteem, no friends or social life, no babe.

-NH

Good heavens what a completely comprehensive, identical description.  Feels like the author was looking in my windows. 

And apparently it's textbook. 

[mistyclouds]

I am not sure how you input the quote from someone else's message... .but Gettingoverit and vagabond, my uxBPDgf is the same, won't contact me, even though two weeks ago she did do a turnaround while I was at hers and kissed me and asked me to stay the night and said she was still in love with me and that she was scared of getting hurt... .next day cooler but still admitted she was still in love with me but this time said she would have to live with that (I'm thinking 'but why... .let's get back together!

Then the defences are back up... .and I'm being cold shouldered again, silent treatment. Yes it's much more important to her to be right and not contact me. This is so alien to me... .I am thinking well she's cutting her nose off to spite her face... .it's like they self sabotage.

[iceman10]

They know exactly what they are doing and no one will persuade me differently.

Yes they know exactly what they are doing. They don't care if they hurt you. When my exBPD fiancée brutally left me I couldn't see any tiny sign of empathy or remorse. pwBPD are mentally ill but also the most emotionally dangerous people you can find. Because the illness is hidden, they mirror you and they treat you like trash at the end and even after the end. But they know what they are doing. They just don't care about you any more when they have painted you black.

Here is another favorite post:

     Its our compassion, empathy and love that makes us a target for someone with BPD.  Sad to say it but our humanity is our Achilles Heel.  It sux, but it was too good to be true.  The intensity, the sex, the fake intimacy left me wanting more everyday.  My male ego has never felt anything in life like the idealization my gf gave me.  It was a drug beyond compare, and I miss it, but the pain from the cold turkey has made the thought of seeing her again revolting.  I hope she is so happy that she will never come around me again.  I hope "mr perfect" is truly perfect, and will not end up eviscerated like me, but I know better.  He will fall behind me on the list of victims. 

     We give them 110% and out of the blue its done.  No answers.  Nothing.  Just gone.  Getting a call that they are dead would probably have been easier.  So we obsess over the fact that they are doing all the things we the new mr perfect that they did with us, saying the same things, kissing the same way. 

     They are so out of touch with reality we cant even explain their behavior without comparing it to an infant.  Once again I will pray to God how lucky I am that we never got married or had any children.  I missed a bullet.

[Vagabond]

They know exactly what they are doing and no one will persuade me differently.

Yes they know exactly what they are doing. They don't care if they hurt you. When my exBPD fiancée brutally left me I couldn't see any tiny sign of empathy or remorse. pwBPD are mentally ill but also the most emotionally dangerous people you can find. Because the illness is hidden, they mirror you and they treat you like trash at the end and even after the end. But they know what they are doing. They just don't care about you any more when they have painted you black.

Here is another favorite post:

     Its our compassion, empathy and love that makes us a target for someone with BPD.  Sad to say it but our humanity is our Achilles Heel.  It sux, but it was too good to be true.  The intensity, the sex, the fake intimacy left me wanting more everyday.  My male ego has never felt anything in life like the idealization my gf gave me.  It was a drug beyond compare, and I miss it, but the pain from the cold turkey has made the thought of seeing her again revolting.  I hope she is so happy that she will never come around me again.  I hope "mr perfect" is truly perfect, and will not end up eviscerated like me, but I know better.  He will fall behind me on the list of victims. 

     We give them 110% and out of the blue its done.  No answers.  Nothing.  Just gone.  Getting a call that they are dead would probably have been easier.  So we obsess over the fact that they are doing all the things we the new mr perfect that they did with us, saying the same things, kissing the same way. 

     They are so out of touch with reality we cant even explain their behavior without comparing it to an infant.  Once again I will pray to God how lucky I am that we never got married or had any children.  I missed a bullet.

Another great find my man, all this is so true... .i think when we start this journey after the relationship, we somehow get stuck into thinking that all BPD's are cloned, that they act the sameway and if you read things that are different to what you experienced then you begin to doubt yourself, like, was my partner BPD or was it me because he/she didnt do that or he/she didnt do this.

I struggled for a long time with this, my ex is not diagnosed and i so wanted to find any little scrap that made her fit into the BPD tag, some firm reassurance that i was right, maybe knowing she was would have made it all a bit easier, but you know what, it truly does not matter. The behaviour she showed in my relationship was way way off, she was a cartoon partner, it was a lonely relationship, the relationship caused me pain and hurt more than it ever brought me happiness, i was used as a bit of security, yes a father figure so to speak. It was so tiring mentally listening to a person only talk about her wants and needs and how crap life treated her and she expected me to always pick her up out of that black hole of depression and moods.

Then when you finally and i mean finally find your backbone and you raise your head above water and truly mean it and say NO MORE and stand up to them and say i will not be treated like this anymore, then within a blink of an eye almost they are gone... you are the enemy, you have hurt them, you are a nasty piece of work who as dragged all there bad memories up of the past and how dare you do that, you were supposed to love them not hurt them like this, how dare you want things from them but yet "they love you"... they are now the victim of your horrible ways... .but not to worry, i have found a new knight a new rescuer who is not like you... .you are dead!

[MindfulJavaJoe]

I couldn't see any sign of empathy or remorse.

pwBPD are emotionally dangerous people because the illness is hidden.

They know what they are doing.

   

Its our compassion, empathy and love that makes us a target for someone with BPD.  

It but our humanity is our Achilles Heel.  

They are so out of touch with reality we cant even explain their behavior without comparing it to an infant.  

Very accurate in my case.  

I would say she knows what she is doing as all this takes careful planning and she is very cunning. She then refuses to take ownership of her actions.

"that wasn't me that was him"  



 

[walksoftly]

So great to read your experiences.

Mine asked for a separation and I thought it was a good idea - she asked /demanded I leave the family home. I found out that she had her replacement lined up months before.

She tried to get a restraining order against me so I couldnt see her or my daughter. Wow, that was quashed becuase she called my lawyer before the hearing and told her she was going to strangle her if she represented me. So the jusge quashed the restraining order.

But it continues! She still states that I am dangerous and violent! But I was the peacemaker in the relationship! I don't get it! It truly is menatal illnerss and is probably her way of convincing herself I am such a terrible human being so she doesnt have to reflect on herself and her actions. ( she was very violent during the relationship)

My question to you all is:  Do they project and blame so they dont have to deal with their own remorse?

[hurting300]

Mine moved out while I was at work. Not one word in six months. Haven't seen our baby either. She'll pay.

[Blimblam]

Mine moved out while I was at work. Not one word in six months. Haven't seen our baby either. She'll pay.

I'm so sorry hurting300

I was that baby.

[hurting300]

Mine moved out while I was at work. Not one word in six months. Haven't seen our baby either. She'll pay.

I'm so sorry hurting300

I was that baby.

what do you mean?

[Blimblam]

Mine moved out while I was at work. Not one word in six months. Haven't seen our baby either. She'll pay.

I'm so sorry hurting300

I was that baby.

what do you mean?

My mom is a pwBPD. When I was around age 1-2 she took me and dissapeared for like 6 months. Eventually she wanted stuff from my dad like money and they entered a custody battle. He got custody.

[hurting300]

Oh wow... .Yeah she has a fight coming very soon. I'll not stop until she is stopped. No feeling sorry for her, no second chances.

[Blimblam]

Oh wow... .Yeah she has a fight coming very soon. I'll not stop until she is stopped. No feeling sorry for her, no second chances.

You'll get ur baby back. If it's a him, please find a way to have compassion for pwBPD one day and understanding.

The look in my mothers eyes imprinted into my archaic memory and it's permanent. I have to understand BPD to even know who I am. I am drawn to them and I am like a magnet for them. The draw is so intense that their was a woman about 200 feet away and somehow i wS just struck by her I didn't even look into her eyes. When we met face to face it just clicked we had a fling.  Turns out she's BPD the quiet type.

As the child of someone with BPD to scape goat and dehumanize them is to dehumanize a part of myself.

[hurting300]

We have a daughter... and I have no sympathy for my ex now. I'm the type that can only be pushed so far. She has a criminal mind... she knows exactly what she is doing. Bpd and anti social behaviour is not an insanity defense.

[Blimblam]

We have a daughter... and I have no sympathy for my ex now. I'm the type that can only be pushed so far. She has a criminal mind... she knows exactly what she is doing. Bpd and anti social behaviour is not an insanity defense.

Well then your probably in the clear unless your exs father was bisexual/gay or her grandmother. Or your mother or grandfather

[peiper]

Oh wow... .Yeah she has a fight coming very soon. I'll not stop until she is stopped. No feeling sorry for her, no second chances.

You'll get ur baby back. If it's a him, please find a way to have compassion for pwBPD one day and understanding.

The look in my mothers eyes imprinted into my archaic memory and it's permanent. I have to understand BPD to even know who I am. I am drawn to them and I am like a magnet for them. The draw is so intense that their was a woman about 200 feet away and somehow i wS just struck by her I didn't even look into her eyes. When we met face to face it just clicked we had a fling.  Turns out she's BPD the quiet type.

As the child of someone with BPD to scape goat and dehumanize them is to dehumanize a part of myself.

What you just said brought up something a friend told me years ago. ":)ude you could go to the Super Bowl and by half time be walking out with the craziest b1tch in the stadium"

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Oh wow... .Yeah she has a fight coming very soon. I'll not stop until she is stopped. No feeling sorry for her, no second chances.

You'll get ur baby back. If it's a him, please find a way to have compassion for pwBPD one day and understanding.

The look in my mothers eyes imprinted into my archaic memory and it's permanent. I have to understand BPD to even know who I am. I am drawn to them and I am like a magnet for them. The draw is so intense that their was a woman about 200 feet away and somehow i wS just struck by her I didn't even look into her eyes. When we met face to face it just clicked we had a fling.  Turns out she's BPD the quiet type.

As the child of someone with BPD to scape goat and dehumanize them is to dehumanize a part of myself.

What you just said brought up something a friend told me years ago. ":)ude you could go to the Super Bowl and by half time be walking out with the craziest b1tch in the stadium"

A friend told me this when discussing my exBPD leaving. "You are the coolest most passive person I know and you are a lightning rod for crazy mother f*****s."

[fred6]

She would never give in to call me, or contact me... .it would mean weakness on her part, and that perhaps she was wrong... .AND THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! Good luck my friend.

That my friend is so true, nice to see i aint the only one who had one of these

I'm so sad reading that. I need another drink  I guess this post means that I'm seeking attention. BOO FCUKING HOO. Drink up Johnny, smoke 'em if ya got 'em... .

[FoolishMan]

We have a daughter... and I have no sympathy for my ex now. I'm the type that can only be pushed so far. She has a criminal mind... she knows exactly what she is doing. Bpd and anti social behaviour is not an insanity defense.

Well then your probably in the clear unless your exs father was bisexual/gay or her grandmother. Or your mother or grandfather

Very interesting, could you explain this post please Blimblam? It's lost me a little... .

[hurting300]

We have a daughter... and I have no sympathy for my ex now. I'm the type that can only be pushed so far. She has a criminal mind... she knows exactly what she is doing. Bpd and anti social behaviour is not an insanity defense.

Well then your probably in the clear unless your exs father was bisexual/gay or her grandmother. Or your mother or grandfather

it kinda confused me also.

Very interesting, could you explain this post please Blimblam? It's lost me a little... .