Doesnt this people pleasing dynamic sound a lot like classic codependent behavior?
EXCELLENT question!
Borderline is cloaked in dependency behaviors, but Borderline waifdom is shame based because of failure to “be” and the Dependent personality is guilt based because of what they “do.”
According to James F. Masterson, parental scapegoating adds on to the Borderline’s failure to detach and learn the necessary *adaptive skills* to free themselves from “me-but not me” bondage. Their frustration at not being able to free themselves turns inwardly directed and results in “generally some form of sado-masochistic sexual adaptation, which reflects the earlier level of aggression and conflict.” (Pg. 135 The Narcissistic and Borderline Disorders.)
If you’ve ever wondered why sex is so incredible with a Borderline waif- it’s because they use it to serve you as master/mistress while fulfilling their bondage compulsion. Do they love? Yes. But it is not a love equated with freedom to live separately in a concept of self identity that does not involve slavery. Sex has been taught to be a choreographed pattern of valuation in persecutorial response to their own part time objectification (the nullification of their wholly emerging self.)
The waif’s disorder is one of compulsive servitude, mirroring, and clinging behaviors to ensure that they have value and then hating that part time object when rules are instituted that resemble anything that tests reality that may prevent them from the fantasy of objectified clinging.
To a Borderline waif: “Love is Bondage” and Sex is a form of pain-letting that reaches mystical proportions because of the anxiety that they feel they DESERVE. They need to FEEL persecution in pain letting. Dependents do not have this. The slavery and punishment aspect is a part of the Borderline waif psyche.
The psyche does not allow for impulse control or delayed gratification- because these would get in the way of re-living the affliction which is a compulsive repetition to feel. Getting beyond the feeling would require an idea beyond BONDAGE. Pain letting arises as a masochistic coping mechanism for the anxiety of being a "virtual self" (the self as envisioned in the mind of the parental object, i.e, slavemaster or slavemistress) Thoughts of slavery and bondage keep them safe by re-routing their anxiety about the free world through the distorted perceptions of being held captive and therefore, serves the disorder as a belief that they are powerless to expand outside of the relationship bond.
Any deviation from that voice of the punitive, hypercritical parent in their head (any challenge of it) calls for what is known as a “rapproachment crisis” which stops them dead in their tracks from becoming whole- and being separate. This separation fear is the basis for clinging and acting out behaviors. It is frightening and scary to a Borderline to think of surviving without others. This abject fear bullies them intrapsychically back into a learned helplessness in order to escape the possibility of “becoming” a whole person on their own.
The disordered belief causes them not to act- but to appear to be acted upon by others.
In contrast, a dependent acts and reacts to others- keeping a tight leash on the dynamic by suffering frequents plays of guilt for not having done the job right and compulsively returning to make it right. The Borderline doesn’t have the capacity for guilt as the dependent does because they have not internalized the rigid rules that allow for obsessive compulsive control- therefore they run from attachment to attachment out of shame and yearning for an idealized new start. The dependent stays and tries harder, as if their very life
depends upon a resolution of success.
Dependents often suffer from anxiety and worry that they will be perceived as unworthy in their efforts, and this fear demands that they take on a coping mechanism of obsessive compulsive rules, regulations and requirements for safe interpersonal interaction. These demands become a working hypothesis to prevent the loss of self esteem that they see reflected in the eyes of others. Since the Dependent *sense of self* is attached to self esteemed “actions”- they often are confounded when the reactions of their primary objects (and the modern day reinterpretations of them) frustrate and re-buff them- so they try harder.
The dependent has suffered through the abandonment depression yet recreates the primary object out of guilt, in order to control it to better reflect the compliant sense of good “self.” Because the dependent learns to feed their sense of good self this way, they often choose partners (primary objects) that they can do something for- (and in exchange for)- a better chance at re-living their own in-gratitude status in childhood. Since this exchange requires neediness in order for the trade to be successful, the dependent often chooses people that they perceive as needy – even someone that just needs attention- (this applies to friendships too)- only to lose themselves in the primary needs of others. They then become a reactionary (lose control) of these “one down” people and try like hell to right the loss of perceived control.
Being “good,” requires Dependents to compulsively seek out Mates that re-create and become reflective of their childhood drive to attend to the primary needs of their primary objects (Parents) while foregoing their own primary needs.
They have been taught to cope by utilizing rules and regulations for life and often become traumatized when scapegoated or put down in a smear campaign during the aftermath of a relationship. Due to low self esteem and guilt, Dependents often return to failed relationships because of their obsessive compulsive qualities. In other words, Dependents don’t give up very easily and they often mate for life. When given bad feedback- it appears like a life or death loss of esteemed identity. Dependents express great sadness when they lose the opportunity to have others depend on them as their efforts are tied to their self-esteem.
Borderlines on the other hand, have internalized perceptions of deficiency and captivity that causes them great shame. Because of this, they often flee a failed relationship in compulsive victimization (a working hypothesis) rather than stay and tough it out like Dependents who are seeking an esteemed sense of self.
One has a self that requires others for reflective tasking; the other has a part time self that needs others to become whole. One knows exactly what their identity is and begins a process of utilizing rules and regulations to define the boundaries of the self and the other does not know what their value is until others project that value; i.e, the rules change when each partner changes and are mirrored according to the partner. One is self-directed and the other is chameleon-like; an adaptation to “try-on” whatever others expect of them.