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Author Topic: BPD and long term relationships  (Read 813 times)
georgie girl
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« on: September 13, 2011, 12:43:56 PM »

I find  the whole BPD thing difficult to understand in the context of long term relationships.  I have read many posts where the BPD is splitting after a few months of being with someone but I don't understand how they split completely from a long term relationship when they have engaged in sex and intimacy? with you for a number of years.

My BPDxh had the longest relationship with me that he ever had so what does that mean in terms of BPD.  How do they manage to have long term relationships and when they eventually split you black is it blacker than they split people in shorter term relationships they had (more intimacy being more threatening in a way)?

Also my BPDxh use to rage about his father (his mother was a virtual saint) and when he started to split me black his father became alright again after years of raging about him but then he started saying I was just like his dad (the bad dad).   Do they see you any differently from more casual relationships they have had or is everyone always the same in their eyes once they are black they are black?  Any relationships I have had the ones that were longer and more serious always meant more even when they finished.  Is it not like that for them? do they just feel relieved to be rid of you?
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2011, 12:55:45 PM »

Probably one of the best explanations for this is in posts by 2010.  You might want to check them out.

Borderline is about splitting due to engulfment/abandonemnt fears.

A superficial relationship does not trigger the way a deep one does... .so the more invovled you are with this person the more likely you will go through periods of being split, if they attach to you, they will eventually split you... .in fact you can count on it.  It's part of the disorder.  It isn't about you... .it is part of the disorder.  In my case, I was split black/white on and off for six years, at first it was evident in about a time frame of 4-6 months... .that was about all we could sustain of normal/idealized stage... .then... .bam, split, and drama.    In the end, we had two of our most stable years... .that doens't mean I wasn't being split, but... .he seemed to keep it under wraps or was struggling with it.  Then after two years... .he split me black and kicked me out of our home... .he said he has been feeling it coming for about six months before he took action.  

It's part of the disorder. Either it ends for good after the first split or there's a recycling and you essentially stay in a long term relationship that is expereinced as a roller coaster of ups and downs.
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« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2011, 01:24:18 PM »

MS: I wonder how a BPD sees these longer, more important r/s's in retrospect, alluding to the last part of GG's question. If the more important r/s's triggered more, then it would seem that they would also, when finally over, remain the blackest? Although that might depend on who ended it?

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MaybeSo
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« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2011, 01:36:27 PM »



Excerpt
If the more important r/s's triggered more, then it would seem that they would also, when finally over, remain the blackest?



good question... .I'm not sure.

at face value, yeah, I would think that dynamic would be likely.

my ex has split his ex wife who he was married to for 16 yrs. about as black as can be. but they always had a more 'adversarial' relationship.

I know I got painted black to associates as the 'explantion' for dumping me out of the blue, and I'm always painted black for a period of time as part of the split... .but he was not angry or cruel any longer once I left the house and has been 'nice' to me in our meager communciations re: logistics of separating our life.  i have no way of knowing how he speaks of me to his kids or others now that i'm gone... .but he's been polite w/ me this summer after I left.  he is in a lot of therapy... .I suspect the therapist is working with him on this stuff.  If he were not in therapy, I think his natural inclination would be to have me painted as the wicked witch of the west and would be treating me in a manner that jives with that skewed perception.  Even though therapy could not save our relationship... .it has made a difference in him, that is for sure. Even if his motivation is just to impress his female therapists w/ what a magnanimous guy he really is... .that's fine by me!  
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georgie girl
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« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2011, 02:05:55 PM »

I think that is what I keep wondering if the relationships where they engage more have to be split blacker in order for them to feel ok about leaving how do they ever surface from that perception? 

My BPD exh rages at me if there is ever any contact (contact since he left has only ever been sporadic and related to "housekeeping" type issues of trying to tie up a relationship).  I did bring up the subject of divorce and he said why would he want a divorce! He seemed to be so disconnected from the whole process with the only thing being certain that he couldnt stand being around me or even having to deal with me in any capacity.  Do you think being in a long term relationship probably does them more harm than good as having known my ex for several years before we got together - he seemed to be able to function in a more normal way in short term relationships?  Just a thought... .
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« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2011, 02:08:10 PM »

Good he is in T--that he is continuing with it. So strange that he would jettison your r/s given that. Difficult to wrap the head around.

I know that my ex painted some of his ex's black and others he didn't. His ex wife was (and is) blacker than black but one of the women he cheated with (went back and forth between wife and the other woman--I found out from his daughter) doesn't get painted black. I am thinking this other woman may have finally had enough. I asked why they broke up and he was vague but said a few positive things about her. There were a few other women that he seemed to remember fondly but wouldn't say too much about and I suspect they dumped him--one of them was nervous about his anger. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Otherwise, he bragged about his many r/s's, his knowledge of what pleased women, etc., as though it were some kind of achievement.   Rather it is a monument to his total inability to sustain a r/s--something I doubt he will ever see because I don't anticipate that he will ever go into T--would be too big a blow to his pride to admit he isn't perfect (lots of N).

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« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2011, 03:08:28 PM »

One possibility is they knew there were problems in all their r/s.  The ones that ended quickly were not that hard on them because they wanted to leave and it happened pretty quickly so there was not such a need to paint them black.  The longer more intimate ones however caused them a lot more hurt which they needed to project to feel better about themselves.

One of the most frustrating thing about BPD is often both partners accuse and believe the other partner did the same horrific things or at least caused them to do them.  The hurt could come from many sources and they probably don't know themselves let alone admit it especially to themselves.  Here are the first few things that come to mind:

1. Damn  s/he really cared about me and I was too messed up to accept it.

2.  Damn I wasted a lot of time with him/her why didn't I leave sooner.

3.  Damn s/he hurt me for so long.

4.  Damn s/he dumped me.

5.  It feels so much better to be with someone I am not that close to.  Damn the last one when I was.

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« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2011, 04:05:11 PM »

Georgie,

I was with exdBPDbf for 4 months.  He has re-engaged a few times but I believe that this last time when I told him I was going to be dating someone else, I am black for good.  That's just how I feel, since the other times I left he would find a way to contact me in the first week after.  Nothing this time.  Which hurts in a way, but is good in a way.  I need to have no contact so that I can break this addiction. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

When we started dating he talked HORRIBLY about his exwife who he divorced last year.  Towards to end he started saying things like, "she won't even take my call now that she's seeing someone else." (sad voice)    ?      They were married for 10 years.

Looking back on it all, I believe I can see the first pushing away somewhere around the month mark.  Not sure if that's because we got super close very fast, or what.
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« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2011, 07:46:25 PM »

BPD is splitting after a few months of being with someone but I don't understand how they split completely from a long term relationship when they have engaged in sex and intimacy? with you for a number of years.

The BPDex never spoke of ex's in a good light - the whole woe is me thing drove me nuts. However in saying that he has never split anyone totally black. He is more of a game player and being a waif he needs people around to sponge from. He keeps all his ex's in the wings - however I am not sure how many actually respond to his outcries.

Re: intimacy/sex - they dont actually go hand in hand - Intimacy takes a long time to foster, sex is easy and doesnt always equate with intimacy. BPDs fear intimacy to the core - the longer a r/s goes on for the more push/pull, devaluing occurs to escape engulfment fears. There is no intimacy at the beginning of ANY r/s - trust is paramount to feel true intimacy and BPDs never trust trust! Trust/respect/friendship is what carries a r/s not intimacy IMO.

My BPDxh had the longest relationship with me that he ever had so what does that mean in terms of BPD.  How do they manage to have long term relationships and when they eventually split you black is it blacker than they split people in shorter term relationships they had (more intimacy being more threatening in a way)?

Same here - BPDs need someone they can create a strong attachment bond with (parent/child like bond - unhealthy  ). They may screw a lot of people but if there is one they "value" the r/s can last longer. I am strong, independent person but also co-dependent when it comes to r/s - he was able to create a strong attachment bond with me via mirroring - for a while this made him feel great until the power in the r/s became skewed. There was a power shift because he slowly wore me down to my knuckles - finally he got to me to a place where I felt helpless - the glue that enmeshed us (which is the non) slowly became unstuck. BAM! discard. Next girl enter stage left!

If the non has major needs of their own or have experienced emotional upset due to death in the family or are ill - the BPD cannot create a strong bond and they will discard them a lot more quickly. This happened to the ex before me! Her father died early on the their r/s - he cannot mirror grief or misery - makes him feel worse - so he was a complete narcissitc a/hole with her - right after her father died.

Any relationships I have had the ones that were longer and more serious always meant more even when they finished.  Is it not like that for them? do they just feel relieved to be rid of you?

BPDs feel extreme shame that they screwed up.They know that eventually everyone leaves them and recognise the pattern. I dont think BPDs feel relief neccessarily - any r/s which is of value creates huge engulfment issues - which is very overwhelming for a BPD. Some equate this shame to the non abandoning them - hence split you black. If they split you black they are trying to block the shame - knowing they only see black and white - black really is the openly option.

My ex has not spilt me completely black because he knows his faults - he admitted that he sabotages r/s, is messed up, is promiscuous and is a sex addict - he told me its not my fault.
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« Reply #9 on: September 13, 2011, 07:59:25 PM »



Georgie Girl,

I've wondered these same exact questions.

As my exBPDgf raged at me as I was seeking answers for her abrupt departure without any explanation, she yelled at me the following that may help you answer these questions:

"I was with my ex-husband for a total of almost 10 years total (3 years married) and I was with you for 3 years and I don't have feelings that I had once upon a time for either one of you.  MAYBE Something is Wrong with ME!" 

As I look back, I think they can't answer the questions you are even asking.  They don't even know.  All they know is that those "feelings" are gone that were so intense at times in the r/s. 

She also yelled at me that "If THIS (pointing at her heart) doesn't match THIS (pointing at her head), then something isn't right.  My mind can tell me all day long that being with you is the right thing but if it isn't in my heart, then it won't work b/c they have to match!"  Again, she doesn't even know why this happened.  Her mind is telling her what she *should* do but her "heart" just doesn't feel the same... .which reminds me of the "executive function" problem that BPD's have. 

All of this came from a woman who just weeks before said and did things that would make any person believe she was completely 100 percent madly in love with me... .We don't know the answer to these questions b/c THEY don't even know the answers.  I know this doesn't truly "help" but I do think it is the truth.
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2011, 08:05:15 PM »

Everything Clearmind states above rings true for me and is consistent with what I experienced in my six year relationship.
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2011, 08:15:33 PM »

Excerpt
My mind can tell me all day long that being with you is the right thing but if it isn't in my heart, then it won't work b/c they have to match!"  Again, she doesn't even know why this happened.

have also heard similar statements from my ex fiancee... .

again... .I do a lot of reading and have studied this a lot, to the point that I grow weary sometimes.  I acutally do understand it intellecutally... .but, ugh... .I grow weary.  It's been a long six years.   However... .I read through 2010's older posts on here a while back,  and they are very, very good... .it does explain a lot of this in a very understandable way and it's drawing from all the leading big names and current researchers in the field... .the posts are a great way to condense down in about an hours read... .many years of the latest studies re: this disorder.    It's a pefect way to get about 30 years worth of understanding re: this disorder ... .w/out acutally reading all the research/books yourself. 

In any event... .I don't think they even know themselves why they do what they do, I think this is true.  So they are not the ones to really help provide the answers, that's for sure. 
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« Reply #12 on: September 13, 2011, 09:03:57 PM »

Excerpt
My BPDxh had the longest relationship with me that he ever had so what does that mean in terms of BPD.?  Also my BPDxh use to rage about his father (his mother was a virtual saint) and when he started to split me black his father became alright again after years of raging about him but then he started saying I was just like his dad (the bad dad).

Keep in mind that anything that is written about BPD doesn't apply to NPD and anything written about NPD doesn't apply to BPD- with the exception that the two cluster B's go together in a spectacular fashion. Children born into this NPD/BPD dysfunction generally side (identify) with one parent or the other, with the end result being *scapegoating* for their forced decision.  Since Narcissists subsume others and Borderlines allow themselves to be subsumed- the actions involve triangulation (read definition); a third party to move on the triangle.

Cluster B's thrive in triangulation (read definition) because the energy moves very quickly and appears like the chaotic, dramatic, erratic childhood. The repititious compulsive emotions are familiar and further cement the "feelings are facts" distorted perceptions.

A Borderline Mother can use her child as a shield from the overbearing, subsuming Narcissistic Father. The child then becomes his Mother's protector while also being "subsumed" by her. Any attempt to break away as the human shield from the Mother involves her scapegoating the child.  Without him she is unprotected. Any attempts to deal with the Father involves scapegoating of the child for the part time self that isn't whole. Both parents displace their grandiose and deficient selves onto the scapegoated child in triangulation (read definition)- one because the child is a refection of his power and the other because the child is the only way for the Mother to feel whole.

It's quite possible Georgy Girl that you are now the third party that creates a distorted perception of scapegoating from the earlier childhood triangle dynamic.

Excerpt
Pinkdaisy: When we started dating he talked HORRIBLY about his exwife who he divorced last year.  Towards to end he started saying things like, "she won't even take my call now that she's seeing someone else." (sad voice)    huh?

Finding another person to attach to in order to prevent the attachment of a previous relationship from continuing is similar to the part time self needing another to feel whole and secure in the fight against becoming subsumed by the third party.  Idea

It is in triangulation (read definition) that cluster B's re-live their childhood fears.  The best way to escape triangulation (read definition) is to be self-directed and stand alone.

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« Reply #13 on: September 13, 2011, 10:12:53 PM »

I have been with my uBPDh for 29 years. I knew nothing of BPD until this past year. Looking back I can see that the abandonment/engulfment, push/pull behaviors have been there all along.

My H likes to 'disappear'. Just not come home one night. He'd stay gone for days/weeks at a time. Whenever he returned, he expected everything to be exactly as he left, as if nothing had happened. His leaving was his way of pushing us away, to abandon us before we could abandon him. His return was expected to be his safety net. It never occurred to him how this behavior affected us as empathy is not something he is capable of. In fact, he would be upset that he would feel ill due to a drunken binge and we weren't falling all over him in pity.

He never painted me black to others. My H is a "quiet borderline", is very shy, anti-social. His way of painting me black is to my face. The silent treatment. Condescension. Sneers. Coldness. Mean-spirited. Once Im not "black" to him anymore, he quickly turns into nicey nice, as if nothing happened the night/minute before.

My marriage has lasted for 29 years because of me, because of my mental health issues. Today I learned I have ':)ependent Personality Disorder characteristics'. Makes perfect sense. I also have PTSD. I am well aware that my 29 yr relationship fits every criteria for "trauma bonding."

Maybe there are come couples who create long-term, mutually satisfying relationships between a pwBPD and Non. But that was certainly not the case for us. Its been a sick and shtty relationship for the majority of the time.

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« Reply #14 on: September 14, 2011, 01:24:08 PM »

Excerpt
Keep in mind that anything that is written about BPD doesn't apply to NPD and anything written about NPD doesn't apply to BPD- with the exception that the two cluster B's go together in a spectacular fashion.



I still can't quite figure out if my ex is NPD or BPD. I have leaned toward him being BPD , but it gets so confusing.  Can it be both?  If yes, how do they treat, as treatment is handled differently?

-he will brag a little bit about his ability to shmooze or entertain pretty women... but he does not brag that he's "HAD" a lot of women, and bragging that way in general is not a big feature with him... .and technically I don't think he's bedded that many women... .if anything he plays down this area and presents himself as more a misunderstood all around 'nice guy' rescuer that always ends up getting the wrong end of the stick, so this sounds more BPD.   He is much  more interested in finding 'perfect love' than coming off and a 'player'.  His triangulation (read definition) of other women resulted in  ME seeing him as sometimes 'looking like a player'... .and he took great offense to this. He does NOT see himself that way.

-he triangulates naturally, it comes to him like breathing, he does is well, and apparently instintctually and compulsively, he at times admits he does this and intellectually gets how it causes problems (because of therapy) but then goes right back to doing it again and again... .with other women, with his children, with people who work for him... .sometime it's subtle, sometimes it's not, but it usually ends up in a huge self created mess, this sounds BPD but I guess it could be any cluster B PD. He does it mostly with other pretty women.

- then he blames everyone else for the mess he creates when all the b.s. triangulation (read definition) blows up in his face, and mostly fails to see how his behavior contributed to it... .this sound BPD.

-he can go into a very dark and shameful place, I've seen him go into a frightening place where he rocks back and forth and cries like a wounded animal, and have been fearful at times he would not snap out of it and I'd have to call for help, but he snaps out of it... .this sounds more BPD.

-conversely he mostly acts as if, and even states outloud to me all the time that he is 'special' and basically better than everyone else, all his 'people' problems are accounted for by the fact that he's just smarter than the rest of us and most people just don't get that... .this sounds very NPD, feeling you are special is straight out of the DSM criteria for NPD.  BTW, he is very smart about some things, his profession etc., ... .but not about sensitive people/relationship stuff. His lack of judgement/insight into people skills sometimes really messes up things in arenas where he IS smart... .like at work.  

-he knows he is a very good actor and can wear many  masks as needed, he has complained he gets confused about who is in there driving the bus? This lack of solid identity is very BPD.

-needs a lot of attention and approval, from anyone, but especially pretty women... .NPD or BPD?  don't know.

-he can't be alone for any length of time, ... and readily admits to abandonment fears, and acts out splitting behaviors that would be related to abandonment fears. That sounds BPD.

-he will be completely in love and content with me for a period of time (4 months at the shortest, 18 months at the longest)... .and goes through wonderful stages of 'bliss' during those times... .he will state over and over 'this is the happiest I've ever been in my life"... .then w/out warning he splits, and becomes w/drawn and ruminates about the perfect love he might be missing out on by being with ordinary old me... .so, he then lies to me that he is still 100% committed to me so he does not have to loose me or be alone... .while checking out his other options on the side (when he splits) hoping to maybe find someone better or that 'perfect love' that is still out there somewhere... .that to me sounds NPD... .a fantasy of perfect love and also being interpersonally exploitive are both NPD criteria... .but the "splitting" that fuels this behavior is BPD!  Once he makes a mess of things he usually becomes invested in getting me back, can't live without me... .bla bla bla... .and we do the whole thing over again.

-no cutting or obvious SI that I know of... .but likes to spend time talking about and planning for his funeral... .all the songs he wants played, the people he wants there, maybe a video he can play of him trashing the people who have harmed him... .?

His mother presents as very NPD, his father as BPD.  :)ad was a very sensitive, emotional person, and he identifies very strongly with his dad... .even though is dad would rage and scream at his mom... .he saw his mom as this cold, calculating, emasculating NPD mother who had all the control, including all the financial control through her inheritance. He describes her as 'dumb like a fox' in reference to her skill in manipulating others.  He see's his father as a victim of his mother who is evil, in fact, his father died of cancer two years ago and in his opinion living w/ his mother is what killed his father.  He would like to see his mother die.

BPD or NPD?  I don't know.  Can it really be both?  
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« Reply #15 on: September 14, 2011, 01:59:36 PM »

MaybeSo: Sounds BPD to me. BPD's can affect a sense of entitlement to cover up their deep insecurities. It is the flip side. I have also read this in object relations literature. As for the "perfect love," I think that can fit BPD as well, given they are seeking the perfect fusion, the perfect mirroring of the dyadic stage, which of course then leads to a feeling of engulfment, the need to scan the horizon for new hosts. Even if they don't act out as much (players), they like to think they can be. High functioning BPDs tend to have N traits. With my ex, it was a combo of fantasy and acting out--he loved to be on lots of websites blowing his horn about how passionate and emotionally insightful he is.

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« Reply #16 on: September 14, 2011, 04:14:34 PM »

Wow Maybeso!  what you describe sounds exactly like the BPD xh I have!  The only difference seems to be that with mine his dad is the NPD and his mother the BPD I think.  There is definitely weird dynamics between them all.  The mother is terrified of being left by her sons (one who lives with them and is 52 and the one I've been married to who is nearly 50).  We were thinking of moving abroad at one point and he told her and she fell apart saying but what will happen to me!  She has periods of rage and depression but the whole family are convinced they are better than everyone else.  I was told I was lucky they thought I could join them! It makes me wonder what madness they saw in me to accept me! His dad is constantly bragging and showing off how "great" he is.  I do get thrown by wondering if my BPD exh is NPD or BPD cos like u I see both things in him.  I also wonder a lot as to how he had such long periods with me of what i would call relatively normal relationship life where he didnt seem to be splitting for about 5 years?  Is that possible with BPD that they can go that long without displaying any of the splitting type behaviour?

? ?
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« Reply #17 on: September 14, 2011, 04:29:27 PM »

Georgie my BPDex's mother is BPD and his father is NPD. Fairly typical when BPD boys have BPD mothers. Brings up the whole mother issues thing. He would always try to mirror his dad - god help us - and treated him like god. His mum on the other hand was ridiculed and despised. Now he is an adult he is pushing his mother away for the wrong she did to him as a child.
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« Reply #18 on: September 14, 2011, 04:38:27 PM »

CM: your situation is similar to mine. Ex's mother was BPD (I met her. OMG). The father was deceased, but my ex worshipped the father (in retrospect?) and hated the mother, so it makes me wonder what really went on. Anyway, when the mother died, my ex went on a binge as far as new future ex's go. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  My T said that my ex "hates women"--although he fancies himself as the world's postmodern Casanova (all the while staving off his intolerable shame). Sad state of affairs, so to speak.

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« Reply #19 on: September 14, 2011, 05:00:41 PM »

D, his father was absent much of the time and was a player and still is at 70. His mother switches between a waif and a queen. He was raised mainly by his mother (mirrored her much if his life) and the reason why he treats his father like god is to gain the approval and love from his dad that he never got. Living out his childhood as an adult.

His mum is unbelievable. We never got on. His eldest brother wiped the family pretty much and his younger brother has BPD traits but not BPD.
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« Reply #20 on: September 14, 2011, 05:07:47 PM »

CM: Ah, some differences. My ex's father was not a player from what I can glean (maybe he wanted to be!). My ex has a lot of the same characteristics and modes of triangulation (read definition) as his mother and would be loathe to admit that they were cut from the same cloth. I think the parents used the kids to fight with each other. My ex was his father's kid and the younger brother was the mother's totally enmeshed (and pretty pathetic but not BPD) kid. Sick stuff. What a scourge this illness is. I was reading a number of 2010's back posts and she (?) holds to the opinion that having been involved with a BPD is a great opportunity for fixing our own wounds from the past. Hey, I'm tryin' but I don't know if I would rate this as a blessed gift from life!

D
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Clearmind
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« Reply #21 on: September 14, 2011, 05:14:16 PM »

D, I am also trawling her posts. I feel like I have put through the wash on the long cycle and am still yet to dry out. 
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« Reply #22 on: September 14, 2011, 05:19:35 PM »

CM, I started at the beginning of her posts last night and marked my place. I don't always agree with absolutely everything but I think she is very insightful and expresses herself clearly. There are things to learn from her. I think she is correct when she says this can be a deep learning experience if we avail ourselves of it. Since we can't go back to BPD madness, we should find the pony in the room full of s**t they bequeathed to us. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

D
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william3693
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« Reply #23 on: September 14, 2011, 06:28:27 PM »

Hello

This is my first post. I was involved with a high functioning BPD for about 1 & 1/2 years.I was in the process of moving in with her.

Untill about the last month.She evidenced  little anger. In the process of moving in with her I injured my knee. I think about that time

there was an increase in the anger,not too bad but an increase.About 2 weeks later there was an incident where I was leaning against her doing something.She became very angry and said thought I was trying to hurt her on purpose and said that we should not see each other

for a while to let things settle down.She called after a week to ask how I was doing.I did not return her call till a week later.

At that time she said the relationship was over that it was not my fault it was hers.That she could not provide what I wanted in a relationship and she did not want to hurt me.I at that time felt pain like I have never felt before.I could not stop thinking about her.

I could not stop talking about her.I went over in mind all the things we did together.I called her many times most times I called

she seemed to want to talk.We live about an hour apart.I drove to her house on a Saturday did not tell her I was coming.

When she saw me I could see her face light up.I told her that I loved  her that I would not leave her without knowing that I had

done all I could do to make it work.That I would be there for her.I noticed pictures of us together were still all around her house.

She said she thought there was hope of us getting back together.We had a good day.3 days later a got a letter saying She loved me but it was over.More pain.I thought I was going crazy.I did not seem to be able to stop calling her no matter how hard I tried

I knew it was over but could not accept it.Then what I think are miracles happened .I was in our libary quite wa by accident and in the

section on new books   was a book called overcoming borderline personality disorder by valerie porr.From that book I found this web site.Even though she did not drink I went to alnon meetings.When I talked to a person at alnon  about how I could not stop calling her and thinking about her.They asked why I was telling myself it was so hard I think they might have said try think about it as being less hard.That plus going to meetings and not talking about her except to my sponsor seemed to work.I knew in my head it would never work but not in my heart at that time.She called last week not sure why seemed so upset said she was off for next two two days

everything in me wanted to drive there take her in my arms and comfort her.I ask her why she called.She said she was lonley and that she missed me but she and wanted me to come but for the wrong reason.I told her I could not help her pain.that If I continued to have any communication with her she would grow to hate me.That I never realized how much pain she was  in and how much pain I had caused her not on purpose but because I was not as sensitive as she was.That I knew she never meant to hurt me  and I never

knowlingly meant to hurt her.

I still have some things at her house.She has agreed it is alright for a friend of mine to pick them.I resisted this for a while wanted to

go by myself.I knew then I was in denial.she is sick and I cannot help her except to pray for her.I have all I can do at this point

to tend to tend to my woundsI can see a lot of things in myself that i was blind to.How being a parent to my mother at 9 years of

age let me to needy women I could help but I guess each of us has our own story.That god was a loving god and loved me as the parent I never had helped me fill something inside me that I had tried to fill with relationships.It was not easy to accept or come by

I was raised catholic and have not atteded church since I was 18.I am 67.I now feel hopeful about my future.I have some bad days

but things are getting better.I try not to talk about it with anyone except my sponsor.At first I could when I could not stop think about it

I would set certain times of the day when I could think about it and only then.I do not think about it much now for to think about it still cause pain less and less as time goes on but still pain.I have made an appointment with a therapist that specializes in working with borderlines and people involved with them FOR ME.I think part of this is a grief process and a larger part (for myself) was self pity

and not being able to accept reality.The relationship you have now is the reality of the relationship.That reason the relationship meant

so much to me was that it happened at a point in my life where I was vunerable to it.I thought it was too good to be true and it was.

The more answers I sought the more I became confused.The last thing in the world I wanted to hear was that the relationship was over.

I used to check my phone messages and email every day and feel a pain in my heart when nothing was there.I do not want to ever feel that lonely again.The more I tried to stop thinking about her the more I did.thinking about why I was making it so hard and letting myself do it at certain times worked for meI am not out of the woods but I think I am on my way.

Sorry for long post
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whitedoe
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« Reply #24 on: September 15, 2011, 06:13:49 AM »

Great thread! I'm still taking all this in... .

WhiteDoe
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Gowest
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« Reply #25 on: September 16, 2011, 03:01:50 AM »

My parent's marriage has lasted 30+ years and it's definitely because my dad just puts up with/ignores everything. Well trained by his own mother. I don't know how my mother gets distance though. Maybe my dad takes care of that part.
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georgie girl
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« Reply #26 on: September 16, 2011, 03:12:07 AM »

I wondered about that - if you just put up with it do they feel that's normal if they come from a disordered (BPD background)background.  My BPD exh's family seemed to spend all their time tiptoeing around the real issues in life - if something bad happened they would all pretend it never happened and the rule was we don't upset his mother (no one).  She couldn't bear anything bad - even if it was the weather being bad! 

I actually tried so hard to keep him from dealing with bad stuff right up until the day he split and painted me black.  I guess I find it hard that I didn't do anything to upset or hurt him and tiptoed round him and he still managed to paint me black.  Maybe because I was ill and attending hospital.  Seems they can't cope with anything that involves you being less than perfect.  Is it because they can't or won't mirror anything bad?  Is mirroring only about mirroring good stuff that happens to you or that you do?  ? ? ?
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Clearmind
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« Reply #27 on: September 16, 2011, 03:18:01 AM »

Georgie, mirroring bad is not in the BPD guidebook. If we feel awful/sick/tired/mourn the death of someone they feel what we feel. Combine that with no empathy and you have a BPD cocktail of devaluation, projection, push dynamic.
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georgie girl
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« Reply #28 on: September 16, 2011, 03:37:03 AM »

Thanks Clearmind

I am having a particularly bad day. :'(

Don't get it - but who does with BPD.  If they ever get treatment do they realise that they have devalued a big part of their one and only life with someone and blocked it out?  How can you pretend a huge part of your life never existed?

:'(
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Beach_Babe
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« Reply #29 on: September 16, 2011, 03:56:16 AM »

As I look back, I think they can't answer the questions you are even asking.  They don't even know.  All they know is that those "feelings" are gone that were so intense at times in the r/s. 

The more time I spend in T, and on this board, the more im coming to realize this is true. There really arent any answers or, if there are, they sure as h*ll arent coming from the horse's mouth
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