Wants me to keep his secrets from his new girlfriend.

[Misty39]

Hi everyone.

I havent posted in ages. Thought I was in a better place, but the fact is my xBPDh is not and has not been in a good place. I can run but I can't hide.

Well, I guess this is the place to get honest. He left one year ago in a shocking way. He had been on line dating (we were married 10 years, 2 kids). He got caught and the chaos began. Well, escallated. It was walking on eggshells most of our relationship but I could not see that it was his manipulative behaviours at first.

This past year has been hell. I was shocked at how skilled he was at turning the situation into a pity party for him. His public face is sacred. He's That "nice guy". You know him. He's great. So kind. He managed to have people come up to me in the grocery store and say "can't you take him back. Everyone makes mistakes. He's so sad. He's such a nice guy". Meanwhile he had cleaned out the house of most of the furniture, dishes, bedding, you name it. My kids and I had to eat dinner on the floor picnic style until a friend lent us a table.

Anyway, he then spent the next year crying. Literally crying at my doorstep. He doesnt' know why this is happening. He misses me. He misses the kids. He doesn't understand why he's doing this... .you all know it. In the mean time, he took a job in another town, gave up custody of the kids and has had three girlfriends in the past year. All the while hiding most of his dating behaviour so that he could keep me hanging on.

We did have a pattern of having phone sex on occassoin. Go ahead and judge. I know. How could I? I have not been dating. I have been lonely. It's a way for us to connect... .all that.

This sumer was no different. He always initiated. He was "seeing" someone in town but it was casual. This week I found out it is definately not casual. This girl is 12 years younger than him, has 2 small children and is falling for him. He loves the adoration stage. He is AEWSOME in the beginning. Kind, thoughful... .but he's been cheating on her with me all summer. He has not told her of his PBD but when I confronted him that he's leading both her and I on... .he says, she's the one (he's known her 3 months) and how dare I try to make him tell her. Not my place, he will make my life hell if I ruin this for him. I am vengeful, punishing him... .It was a crazy confrontation. Unbelievable. Then he brought up the kids. He will make coparenting (he gets them every second weekend) hell on earth if I pursue this. She is a nice girl, I know her. I feel sick that he is doing this to her. She has no idea what she is getting in to. He did this same thing when we first started dating but I didn't discover it for years.

So, do I keep these secrets for him for the sake of easier life for me or do I tell her and call him on his BS, ego stroking crap? I am sick that I have let myself get put in this position, but the phone sex aside, I feel some responsibility about knowing of his mental illness and not giving her the option to stay with him or get out while she can.

Thoughts?

[trellabor]

Honestly, I know you feel you need to do something to warn this girl, but also take into account how 'convincing' he obviously can be. Say you tell her, she's not sure she believes you so she tells him, then everything gets 100% worse for you. Now nothing was accomplished, he brainwashes her with his 'guile', you life is now a living hell because he's trying to make you 'pay' for outing him and they are still together, with the end result being the same. Just focus on you and the things you can control, that relationship will take it's course and she will find out on her own and may very well end up on this board with the rest of us, but she may also become a better person because of it. The risks are too great IMO, I would stay out of it.

[seeking balance]

my thoughts?

focus on you - when you have complete control of your own emotions and your own life, then perhaps you can warn others.

you are not a victim and neither is she - you are both adults fully capable of making your own emotionally mature decisions.

Triangulation (read definition) is a fact of the disorder and your husband seems to have done a great job in hooking both you and she in the dynamic.  Save yourself first.

Peace, SB

[2010]

I feel sick that he is doing this to her. She has no idea what she is getting in to. He did this same thing when we first started dating but I didn't discover it for years.  I feel some responsibility about knowing of his mental illness and not giving her the option to stay with him or get out while she can.Thoughts?

How is it possible that you feel sick about what he is doing to her and not about what he is doing to you? You say that he did this when you first started dating and now that you've discovered it-you feel some "responsibility" to warn off others- but it still isn't enough for you to call an end and responsibly protect *yourself* first? Why is that?

You are responsible for yourself first and foremost before you make yourself responsible for another woman's discovery. That's her business- let her go and concentrate on your own. Thinking that you have to give her an "option to stay with him or get out while she can" should apply to you too. Have you accomplished this? If you cannot give yourself the same option- you have no business warning off another woman as a good deed do-er. The transparency of these things can be very hypocritical if the same warning does not apply to yourself FIRST.  

[Misty39]

You are right. All of you . Thanks for the feedback.

I think that is what is causing most of my anxiety right now. I realize that I didn't look after myself, protect myself first. I am embarrassed by that and surprised at my willingness to be treated with such disrespect... .It's hard to face up to for sure.

I will continue to work on me. Continue to work on boundaries. Continue to be thankful for all the good and try to step out of this drama cycle I am in at the moment.

Deep breath.

[2010]

Misty39,

    When someone treats you badly, it's time to stop wishing and hoping that they will change. What you are experiencing in your marriage is likely hope mixed with uncertainty about your Husband's actions, and the hope is outweighing anything else that appears certain at this time, which is that he has taken up with someone else- someone who is very naive. This is no reflection upon you- it's just both of their issues.

He's not going to magically wake up one day and no longer have those issues unless he crashes and is forced to be alone and gets into therapy- so stop standing on the sidelines and watching for signs that the next crash is coming with a completely different person besides yourself. He's shown you how he handles things when he doesn't get what he wants. Eventually, he could replace her with an entire string of flash romances and you could have a second career warning them all while growing older every day. It's not an authentic way to live and you do have a choice to say no. It hurts, yes, but only temporarily. Imagine how many years you could waste away if you were afraid to rip off the band-aid that covers your abandonment fears. Just rip that band-aid off quickly and give the marriage some breathing time to detach and recover from.

Tend to your wounds and get away from the burning embers he leaves behind. Your job right now is to feel the sorrow and go through the pain of letting go. Painful yes, but very necessary if you are going to come through with a newfound respect for yourself. You are one of a kind- and worthy of love. You are not a failure in the marriage- you just chose to remain far too long in light of the evidence that your loyalty was undeserved. Now you'll need to direct that loyalty to yourself.

Think of yourself as a true person with the best intentions of being faithful to a cause- but firm boundaries on what you want out of life. There are some lines that cannot be re-drawn. When someone proves to you that they are disloyal- believe them. Then gather up your courage and forge ahead, one step at a time. You can do it and you'll soon start feeling better, I promise.