Shame on you little boy

[Sailskier]

The subject line above empowers me to heal.  The way my exBPDf left me is shameful... .and I allowed it to almost destroy me.  It's been 9 weeks since the event that changed my life completely in one swoop.  One day he is cleaning the garage and purchasing lawn supplies, the very next day he is gone.  He couldnt/didnt want to deal with adult issues.  He made me chose between him and my son.  Life with him was a constant state of turmoil, bullying, raging, manipulation etc. Other than being engaged, there was no concerted plan for planning the future, he had no focus for it... .and when he did, it was some sort of nonsensical fantasy, such as, owning the corner bar and/or breeding dogs for a living.  It was just like a little boy that didn't have the tools to make adult choices.

The above is my rational non codependent self, but just yesterday, I texted him to please come and get the rest of his things out of the house.  I want to personally give him back the ring... .it would be closure for me.  He cant hurt me more... .and if he does, I am ready.  The holidays are coming and the sight of his things are painful.  This is the first time in my life that I will be alone during the holidays... .I want these things and the "closure" to happen now.  I dont want it to be around the holidays.  Even his mail is still coming here.  I know that I can get rid of the stuff... .return to sender... .etc... .it is not what I want.  I need to be the adult and put this man in "his place"... .to somehow punish him for the shame he brought upon himself and the pain he caused my family. Thayt is what I need so I can walk away from this and feel as it is resolved.

I am exhausted from crying... .my friends dont understand/care why this is so difficult.  I'm tired of explaining why this break-up was so different.  I must be the adult and see him for what he truy is... .a boy who deserves little compassion.

[newworld]

I need to be the adult and put this man in "his place"... .to somehow punish him for the shame he brought upon himself and the pain he caused my family. Thayt is what I need so I can walk away from this and feel as it is resolved.

Wow, you sound really angry ... .

when things are more calm, maybe you might want to rethink the definition of being an adult that you have here... .it sounds like it's a recipe for more pain?

I can understand feeling angry... .i hope things calm down within you tonight and you find some peace... .

 

[Sailskier]

You are absolutely correct; I am angry.

I am angry that there are ppl out there that know that they are damaged and inflict pain on others rather than seek help.

I have two children... .and when they misbehaved... .I got angry... .I certainly didnt lose control, but I did punish them after I calmed down.

This healing process is excrutiating. I go from anger to despair and tears within hours. Anger is another form of depression for me... .and it is actually what feels more "normal"

Adults get angry... .and we are allowed... .I will stay away from all sharp objects tonite 

[backontop]

I've said that.   My B/U was similar, and Ive gone through the same thing.   TRUST ME, it gets better.    I still have my moments, but not as much anger, and Ive cut WAY back on the crying.   TRULY, Ive found that you have to get a good nights sleep, wake up, dust yourself off, polish up your act by putting on a smile (fake it if you have to) and get back in the game of life.   Let em know your still smiling.  BPD's REALLY hate that.   Their leaving is supposed to kill us, that's what they hope for.   Don't give him the validation!   Pack up his s$%^ and put it out on the curb, he can come get it if it's important.   Oh, and I thow the mail away as I walk from the mailbox.   It's not coming in my house.

[newworld]

yeah - no sharp objects!



You have kids, have you seen the 'giggle stick"?

that works for me... .

[2010]

when things are more calm, maybe you might want to rethink the definition of being an adult that you have here... .it sounds like it's a recipe for more pain?

newworld has an insight that I think needs some investigation. Is it possible that you parent him as a substitute child?

This is the first time in my life that I will be alone during the holidays...

Your children are growing up and away and you've replaced them with a new child-like partner- one that triggers your abandonment fears and control issues.

I am angry that there are ppl out there that know that they are damaged and inflict pain on others rather than seek help.

He did seek help- but he did not take responsibility. You did. He sought you out as a parent and you took the responsibility away from him-this has become exasperating for the both of you.

"Shame on you little boy!" does nothing but continue to keep him in a one-down, child-like position. May I ask what his age is?

I have two children... .and when they misbehaved... .I got angry... .I certainly didnt lose control, but I did punish them after I calmed down.

He is not a child. He is an adult. In order to address him like an Adult, you must also respond to what he does as an adult. This is the basis for transactional analysis; being a Controlling Parent invites the other person into a Child state where they may conform with your demands. There is also a risk that they will be an Adaptive 'naughty child' and rebel against those demands.

When both people become Parents to the other’s Child, wires get crossed and conflict results. No one is an Adult.

The ideal line of communication is the mature and rational Adult-Adult relationship, not a Parent/child.

www.changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/ta.htm

[newworld]

Helena,

Since 2010 elaborated on what I said earlier, I don;t have to. I can add the following which I would have added to an elaboration... .I hope it helps... maybe not right now, but tomorrow or the next day... .

I am angry that there are ppl out there that know that they are damaged and inflict pain on others rather than seek help.

 Ok, how long are you going to drink poison and expect the other person to die?

I have two children... .and when they misbehaved... .I got angry... .I certainly didnt lose control, but I did punish them after I calmed down.

 

Why get angry at children misbehaving?

Why "punish"?

Why not consider it is a part of life to make mistakes or test limits and then offer a redemptive process with consequences for them to learn from?  It sounds "personal" when you write this way... .

This healing process is excrutiating. I go from anger to despair and tears within hours. Anger is another form of depression for me... .and it is actually what feels more "normal"

Anger is "more normal" to you? Ok. Is there a "new normal" you might want to look into?

Adults get angry... .and we are allowed... .I will stay away from all sharp objects tonite  

 Well, yes, and so do children and animals... .I am 'allowed" to get so drunk I pass out and wake up drunk the next day... .does that mean it's helpful?

How is anger directing your thinking and perceptions about people and yourself? Or how is your perception of people and yourself directing or manifesting anger in your life?


Have you read the 4 agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz?

I hope these thoughts plant a seed for you to feel much better than you do right now... .

[Sailskier]

Thank you for your input.

I guess I need to clarify.  My anger is normal and appropriate and is a vehicle to healing; that is what my T explained; what I read and what Ive experienced.  Maybe I shouldve been a bit more insightful; you see... .I was near suicidal 9 weeks ago, almost lost my job over my grief and did not leave my home for one month.  The sacrificies I made for this man were huge, and it has impacted my finances, my children and my carreer. 

The relation to the child/parent is what makes sense to me... .it is what comforts me.  None of what I wrote was meant to be taken literally... .I am not going to sit him down and force time out. 

I am not parenting him as a child and there are no abandonment fears because my children are growing up.  This is the way it was with him six years ago.  My reaction is really like a parent to a child (more like a teenager) because... .that is truly how he behaves... .all my friends and family would joke & tell me that I have three and not two teenagers... .he is transparant... .and yes, I must admit... .the "immaturity" is what attracted me.  So, I suppose that the mother role was prevalent all along.  I will take the responsibilty for enabling this unhealthy relationship, but since that it was how it evolved... .I find it ironic and quite fitting that my anger is alike a parent/child.

However y'all see it... .It is helping me to be anger... .and I am surprised that it is not welcomed more often.  It is quite therapeutical. I want to move on... .all I read and my dr tells me... .it is...   I dont stay angry at that capacity for more than a few days. In fact, the anger stages are few... .but when I surpass the, I get a little more clarity on how it all happened. 

[backontop]

Anger has helped me as well... .as long as I dont dwell on it too long.   There was a lot of anger that I kept inside to the point that it sickened me physically.   It's GOOD to post your anger on here and let it out!  My T says I need to express even more anger than I do.   I also find if I am righteously angry, I have less pity for him, which is toxic to me.   I (and you) have every right to be angry- it's normal, genuine and healthy to be angry when you are wronged- or grieving.  I never was allowed to  be angry in my r/s- it would provoke a rage.   Now I get to be mad if I want.   So let it out sister- no judgement

[Suzn]

Hi Helena

   I completely understand your anger. It's only been 9 weeks. Anger has been a great catalist for growing for me and it helps you break free when you need to. I think it's perfectly normal given the little time that's past since your break up. You don't wana get stuck there but it'll take some time for that anger to calm down. I sure wouldn't expect it to be soon if you insist on personally giving the ring back. I mean it just prolongs what's going on inside you now. I don't know how much of his stuff you have but when I finally reached this point, I packed up all the exs stuff and had a friend deliver it to her. *slapped my hands together* That's done and over with... .moving on.

   You have two kids that need their mom not to be in a heightened state of anxious over waiting for this to be done with no? Plus that anger physically affects you, another reason to take care of yourself right now. Your real kids need you to be healthy. 

Sorry you're hurting... it will get better.   

[savesoul]

I am angry that there are ppl out there that know that they are damaged and inflict pain on others rather than seek help.

Ugh!  Why, why, why, why?  So very true!  It is like arguing with a playground bully who has no remorse.  Their insults will always cut deeper and to the core, and without regret.  I refuse to get on his level... .Though I know the words to get into his head and manipulate him in ways that would send him into a tailspin, I refuse.  Because, I am not, as I am sure you are not, a playground bully.  We are adults who can see right from wrong, Unfortunately  Because there are times I just want to be angry and hurl the insults right back at him, but I know I have to be the bigger person to make progress in my detachment from the narcissistic b~.  Plus, I know I won't get the same satisfaction as he does with the insults.  Unfortunately, the whole still loving the person that you know that they are and who they can be also gets in the way... .

ugh... .feelings... .sick of having them. 

[Sailskier]

And the beat goes on... .and as in the recent past, the anger has subsided.

The update:  He contacted me as a reply to my text where I requested that he'd give me a date to get his things out.  Incredibly text book BPD stuff; when I didn't answer his call, he called me repeatedly... .first at my office nbr & then to my cell #.  I text him to ask... "Are you calling me to reply to my text?"  No reply, simply more calls w' no voice messages.  Finally, I gave in.  Oh yes, I know... .broke NC... .but I was dying of curiosity as well.

He started to inquiry about the minutia with regards to the "stuff"" he left behind. I answered, told him that I'd like to get it out quickly... .and then I pressed on with regards to break-up.  Nothing more than the same.  His details on how it happened were totally off insofar as the timeline. He tells me that he had already decided to move out before the fatalistic day; that he'd rented a storage place days before he moved out.  It was all a lie; the storage was rented the same day of the event and was proven with a mailed copy of the contract I received in the mail.

Funny how he asked me if I was on active dating site ( I am not)... .He tells me that he is not totally happy, but he is relieved that he has not raged since he left.  He asks me if my son is leaving my home in December... .etc... .All was a bit obvious to me; he is leaving the door slightly open.

The most confusing thing is the part where I ask him about his fear of being abandoned... .about his r/s w' his mom as a child.  he emphatically stated that he was not afraid that I'd ever leave him & that he doesn't blame his mom for his poor upbringing.  That, honestly, confused me... .as all his actions, previous r/s and prior statements and behaviors are text book BPD.

All and all... .the convo ended civil... .with a promise that h'd contact me soon to arrage the pick up of his things.  It brought me some peace... .the anger calmed... .now the confusion is setting in.  I still recognize him as a young boy w' no direction... .I am calmer... .and have taken another small step toward acceptance.  BUT... .his statement about feeling secure that I'd never leave him is confusing me.