He's mad because he's tired of working (and its my fault)

[cyndiloowho]

My H decided to "explain" some things to me tonight.

He told me that "everyday I head out the door to work like a trooper". And that everyday he has to deal with all the customers and he hates that. He said he "puts his happy face smile on" when he'd "rather tell them to ___ off". He is upset that he still has to work everyday because he wants to be retired (he is 61). He said "lots of people have a bunch of money saved up by now so they can retire, but I dont have that which means I have to work til the day I die!" I asked him if he is angry with himself "for not being more responsible in planning for his future". To this he rolled his eyes and shook his head, like Im waaay of point.

He tells me that I should have done more with my college degree, that I shouldve been making a lot more money. He said we were supposed to buy some land, build a house, and retire there. I reminded him that we were constantly playing catch up after his binges and job losses, and that one job I had, where I was making good money, I had to step down from because the hours were long, and he didnt like being Mr Mom. To which he says "I havent drank away a job for 8 years"! (He's getting angry now because I seem to be missing his point).

So, now that he has maintained steady employment for 8 whole years, he's ready to retire! On his behalf, I will say that he works outside, in the elements, and that he's a hard worker. But I also feel that he has never really had any ability to plan ahead or think of his future. Its like it never occurred to him, say in his 30s, that he might not want to work as hard later in life, and to begin moving up the ladder and into less physically demanding job positions.

He was pretty low functioning for most of his life, really only turned this around when he quit drinking in 2003. But he's been drinking again for 2 years, and I see him slipping back in less-functioning mindset. I even think he sometimes wishes he would just die, that his life is just drudgery. Sad. I feel for him, I know he's getting tired. But I cant help him. He has created his own situation. Retirement might be the death of him anyway!

[Lady31]

I hear this same crap from my husband, and he is 38!  So annoying.  Sounds like yours just doesn't want to face the facts of where he is and WHY and so he is needing to blame you.  I am impressed that you are able to say things so bluntly like that to him to put the focus squarely on what the issue is... .regarding him not being responsible.  It also sounds like he is beginning to think about his life and the fact that you are planning on leaving.  I'm sure it scares the hell out of him.  The realization of what could have been will probably hit him hard too.  The only thing is, he will see it twisted and the blame will rest mostly, if not soley, on you.  (Sounds like that is what he is doing already from your post.)

My H likes to spend money like crazy and has absolutely no concept of a budget or future planning, and I am the saver, complete opposite.  He is very impulsive and needs constant new things, etc. to be happy.  This of course pisses him off and all the sudden I am the ungrateful b*tch who doesn't care how hard he works and I never "let him have anything." 

The same way yours didn't look to the future and plan for things financially and see reality, is probably also the same way he was not capable of forward looking regarding your relationship.  It seems from your past posts that it never dawned on him that you may not want to continue on in such an unhealthy, empty marriage... .and he just thought he could go on the way it was indefinitely.

They live completely focused on the right now, and completely focused on what works for THEM, right now.

And this talk about how things were supposed to be when you all retired?  Well I am sure that him sitting around with all his free time drinking and watching porn in your face (or at all for that matter!) was not exactly part of the beautiful dream you guys would discuss.  HA! Maybe while he is sitting around watching Debbie **** Dallas he can take a time out to CRY YOU A RIVER!

Stay strong!

[Goofy Goober]

Um, since you are still with your H, shouldn't you be posting this in [L2] or [L4] instead?

[Clearmind]

Um, since you are still with your H, shouldn't you be posting this in [L2] or [L4] instead?

Goofy Cyn is in a live in separation ~ due to unfortunate circumstances she is unable to move for a period of time. Cyns posts for the last few months have alluded to this fact.

[cyndiloowho]

The same way yours didn't look to the future and plan for things financially and see reality, is probably also the same way he was not capable of forward looking regarding your relationship.  It seems from your past posts that it never dawned on him that you may not want to continue on in such an unhealthy, empty marriage... .and he just thought he could go on the way it was indefinitely.

Hi! Lady!

You make a great point here. This whole blow up has been about the fact that he overheard a phone conversation of me continuing with leaving plans. And when I ask him "did you think I was just gonna live like this forever?" all he can say is "I dont know!" In spite if the countless times I have told him that I cannot live this way, he has always believed that I would never leave.

In the context of BPD, my H definitely lives in the moment. No concept of past mistakes resulting in future problems. Like you H, when he has money, he likes to blow it. And he doesnt mind spending it on others (like his daughter) cos it makes him feel like a bigshot. Then when he's broke, he's mad at anyone he spent his money on.

Cant wait to get out of here. Sad to think of his future, even sadder to think what my future would be like if I continued to live here!

[MaybeSo]

Cydiloowho,

Do you mind my asking for a refresher on your plans to get out of there? I know you have felt thwarted and frustrated working with a new vocational rehab person lately, but not sure what exactly that's means for you in terms of your estimated time of departure. Meanwhile, the situation at home seems to be getting worse and worse. If you are not able to get away from him, some assistance from the staying board might actually be beneficial. Staying is staying is staying... .Whether by choice or due to circumstances that for the time being are beyond our control.

[cyndiloowho]

Thanks MaybeSo!

I wrote a letter of appeal to the director of the Voc Rehab program because of the frustrations with my new counselor. He phoned me yesterday and has agreed that I need a new counselor there, and a fresh start with my case. I have an appointment with a new counselor next Thursday. We'll see where that goes. If they can assist me, great! If not, Im moving on anyway. I am stashing $ like crazy, trying to recoup my losses from Voc Rehab, and hope to be moved out by Xmas.

I admit I feel uncomfortable visiting the staying board. Cant really explain why, but the posts are upsetting and frustrating to me. I spent time when I first joined bpdfamily.com on the Lessons on that board. I have read quite a lot about communication tools, boundaries, etc, and feel that those tools are helping me at least avoid an explosion here, until I can leave. Can you be more specific on what you feel I can benefit from there? A Lesson that may assist me?

[turtle]

You know what?  I'm tired of working too.  Most of the people I know are tired of it.  Can we all be mad at you about that, please?

.

He's ridiculous.

turtle

[MaybeSo]

My thinking was this. Your situation sounds awful, just awful. The staying board can provide expertise with

Boundaries that help keep us safe

Communication tools that help de-escalate rather than escalate an already bad situation which can also help keep us safe

Self soothing and grounding tools so we are not constantly  spinning and reacting to 'crazy'

And frankly, sometimes on the staying board they were tougher on me in making me own and work with my own crap which helped me not stay stuck, even though I did not like hearing some of it

Honestly, I really worry about you. I really want you to get the f$$$ out of there, like NOW! So you do not have to take care of that for me, that is my own anxiety coming up when i read your posts. My biggest fear is that one complication will lead to another, and you won't

go. I'm just telling you straight up, that's what I fear when I read your posts. Thats my stuff.

[MaybeSo]

Ps- that is good news you are getting a new rehab counselor to work with.

[2010]

Boundaries that help keep us safe

Communication tools that help de-escalate rather than escalate an already bad situation which can also help keep us safe

Self soothing and grounding tools so we are not constantly  spinning and reacting to 'crazy'

And frankly, sometimes on the staying board they were tougher on me in making me own and work with my own crap which helped me not stay stuck, even though I did not like hearing some of it

This is excellent advice. The staying board would be better equipped to provide support for you. As OTH so eloquently put this (on another thread)

“You won't feel the full brunt of your pain and hurt until you leave. Staying involved is just numbing your wound, it isn't healing it.”

Despite your good intentions, until you leave, you’re staying.  Staying requires skill.  You've set yourself up with a target date that is 44 days away. 12/25/11. Leaving or being left behind is frightening and often leaves people feeling powerless and without momentum, not knowing what to do.  Staying involves reactions to another person's behavior and ignites engulfment fears- (which are the majority of your posts) and leaving involves abandonment depression and the feelings you have about being totally alone.  In describing your situation, you are never truly alone when he is so close by.

Because of this you should receive support from people who are also in your situation. They can help you.

Many of your posts involve bargaining with your Husband's behavior:

So I sent him a text (he was at work). "I think I would like to have sex with someone (not you) on our couch. Ok?" Well, that was Monday. No words have been exchanged between us since. (Silent treatment)

Bargaining behavior seeks to get some form of recognition that he will change his behavior.  This bargaining keeps you hooked and staying- not detaching.  Detachment is what you’ll need in order to leave by Christmas. In 44 days, you will have to abandon each other.  You'll need to walk out the door and stop communicating. It will be painful and disturbing, and the staying board will help you as you move through the experience.   

[rock_n_roll]

Geez... .I'm a hard working man with a good job, I try to be the best father I can to my children, I pay my ex maintenance/child support, I feel I am a good man and there are qualities that my wife should love about me.  But she doesn't.  I just get pounded.  I get pounded because she thinks my job is too demanding and it takes time away from us.  I get pounded because I want to spend time with my children who I hardly see, but she says that takes time away from us too.  The very things/qualities that I feel make me a good man/person, my wife doesn't value.  Can't win.

[turtle]

Cyndi --

What could you do to leave right NOW?

Could you go stay with a friend temporarily?

Could you go ahead and move closer to your dtr now?

I know you're waiting on the vocational stuff, but maybe you could do something temporarily to just get out of your situation now.

turtle

[cyndiloowho]

You all have given me a lot to think about... .

I have felt empowered by the boundaries I now have. Its a learning curve. Some days I feel expert at this. Other days I feel myself slipping. I understand that learning anything new, esp something this significant, takes time to master. This was really illustrated to me in the book "Buddha's Brain" by Siegel and Kornfield.

"As you deal with different issues on your path of awakening, you'll repeatedly encounter these stages of growth: 1) Unconscious Incompetence 2) Conscious Incompetence 3) Conscious Competence 4) Unconscious Competence."

My H's behavior over this past week has been a predictable cycle of behavior as a result of having too much free time due to no work, and using that time to stay drunk. I felt most triggered by his bad behavior the night/day that he was masturbating to porn in our living room. Initially, I think I reacted strongly, but have been able to calm myself considerably over the last few days. Writing of my issues here has helped to get it out of my head and see things a little more objectively.

I also have good grounding and centering tools, which I use daily (sometimes hourly!). Staying focused on my calm and loving spirit has helped me to not 'spin out' as I used to do when he would go on like this. Overall, with as bad as he has been this week, there has been little engagement on my part. I have posted those encounters to help me sort out the illness from my personal feelings. In the past, I would take all of this soo personally, now I just see it as insanity.

2010, you stated that "Many of your posts involve bargaining with your Husband's behavior". Besides the one instance, can you give me more examples? My intention is to not bargain, and to stay disengaged as much as possible. So, if I have been doing this "many times" Id like to revisit those posts so I can learn from them.

My biggest fear is that one complication will lead to another, and you won't go.

Funny, I was just thinking about this last night. I caught myself thinking 'how in the hell can I leave someone so mentally ill to fend for their self?' As soon as I heard myself thinking this way, my very next thought was, 'how in the hell can I get out of here now?'

What could you do to leave right NOW?

This is what I have been thinking about all night. My next appt with my new Voc Rehab counselor is next Thursday. I want to see what they can do, if anything, to assist me. If they are able to help me at all, I want to get it in writing, with plans implemented to carry out their assistance from their office in the new city. In the meantime, I am going to see if I can get some plans together to move now. I dont have any friends or family here. But I think I can use my limited resources to just get gone.

Thank you all for all the feedback. I am taking it all in 

[cyndiloowho]

Ok, so Im in a little better shape than I thought. After looking into the balances of my accounts, I am only $230 shy of the money needed to move. I am confident that I can have that within a couple weeks (worst case scenario), and can plan on moving Dec 1st. IM DOING IT!

[turtle]

I'm glad you're moving forward Cyndi.

Turtle

[Clearmind]

Ok, so Im in a little better shape than I thought. After looking into the balances of my accounts, I am only $230 shy of the money needed to move. I am confident that I can have that within a couple weeks (worst case scenario), and can plan on moving Dec 1st. IM DOING IT!

Wow Cyn, I just got a tingle in my heart reading this ~ Yahhhoo.

Once you out of there Cyn, your head will be clearer to decide on your next step. Right now H is dragging you down mentally and emotionally probably more than you realise ~ you maybe somewhat immune at this stage.

[MaybeSo]

What a blessing and  relief to get some distance from him; this would be so good for you to be in a healthier environment. Each step, even healthy ones, will have their own challenges and frustrations, but being in that home with him the way he is right now  is such bad energy. I'm so excited for you! Yea!

[cyndiloowho]

I had put a deposit on an apartment in my new city when I first thought I was moving there. I just fell in love with the place! The management staff is so incredibly nice, and I had them keep my deposit after my plans fell through because I just knew I was gonna get there! So I talked to the apt manager a bit ago, and she is reserving my apartment, which will be #111, reserved on 11/11... .in spiritual terms, that's wonderful ju-ju! 

It is a wonderful feeling to have a date that no one can change or influence! I see the end of chaos, and the beginning of healing and recovery... . 

[MaybeSo]

Wow... .that IS good ju ju... .how exciting!  . Right on!

[turtle]

THAT is AWESOME, Cyndi!

Good for you!

turtle

[cyndiloowho]

The only thing Im sad about is that I cant take my Kitty  :'(

She's really been my best friend over the past year. I am gonna try to find a home for her, as I cant leave her with my H who can barely take care of himself.

But Im gonna miss her so much more than my H!

[turtle]

But Im gonna miss her so much more than my H!

Oh, I know what you mean.  Being without my animals was hard!  I like my animals so much more than most people. .

I'm glad you will find a home for her... .and somewhere down the line, you can get another pet.

turtle

[Sealie]

So very happy for you, Cyndi.

And if you add up all those 1s (apt 111 on 11/11/11) it comes to 9, which is another top ju-ju number!

The first night I was in my own apartment, I couldn't stop dancing!  I danced so much I was sore and stiff the next day!  But oh my, that 'happy dance' to celebrate liberation from all those corrosive/destructive decades was probably ju-ju at its finest! 

Stay strong, Cyndi - bet you're crossing off each day in anticipation; but as you get ready to put your ju-ju dancing shoes on, do keep a separate little pocket of strength just in case of a spanner in the works

  Sealie   

[cyndiloowho]

And if you add up all those 1s (apt 111 on 11/11/11) it comes to 9, which is another top ju-ju number!

as you get ready to put your ju-ju dancing shoes on, do keep a separate little pocket of strength just in case of a spanner in the works 

a "spanner" ?  Sorry, I havent heard that term before.

[Clearmind]

Cyn, hugs to you

spanner = wrench in USA

[newlife3]

 

So glad for you Cindi... .Keep taking those small steps everyday to your freedom... You can totally do it!

[inwardliberation]

Cyndi - I am so happy you have found a way to move on.  i am so proud of you.  it would have been so easy to just give up and succumb to all the roadblocks thrown in your way.  Your daughter and your grandkids will be so happy as the real you starts to bloom.  i know many friends and family have told me how much I have changed in just the month I have been away from my BPD.

I look forward to see how you begin to change over the coming weeks.  Life is going to get very exciting and peaceful at the same time.