Just got a text.. need strength.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello! It´s been a few weeks since I posted here, reason for that is that NC had gone on for almost two months and I´ve started to detach, I´ve regained some of my strength.

Now, ~20 mins ago I got a text from her, saying something trivial as "I think you can get those jeans you wanted at X store", it made my heart bounce and I feel kind of bad at the moment, it does seem like an attempt to re-engage? Anyway I have this strong urge to respond in some rude way like "Ok" but I know I shouldn´t.

Feels like I need a reminder why I should stay the course of NC, it´s been working great for the past 2 months and it makes me upset that she writes something like this to me now... .

[krax]

Hello! It´s been a few weeks since I posted here, reason for that is that NC had gone on for almost two months and I´ve started to detach, I´ve regained some of my strength.

Now, ~20 mins ago I got a text from her, saying something trivial as "I think you can get those jeans you wanted at X store", it made my heart bounce and I feel kind of bad at the moment, it does seem like an attempt to re-engage? Anyway I have this strong urge to respond in some rude way like "Ok" but I know I shouldn´t.

Feels like I need a reminder why I should stay the course of NC, it´s been working great for the past 2 months and it makes me upset that she writes something like this to me now... .

[A New Leaf]

 Hi!

Remember all the reasons you left the relationship.

Yes, I think it was an attempt at re-engaging/recycling.

Just when you get your life back on track and start feeling better, up they pop.

Stay strong and maintain your distance.

[Alvino]

Remember that attempts to reconnect/recycle are about testing their power.

In my perspective, the most powerful (= independent) thing you can do is not react. Even if you just answer with an "OK", she can start and spin that into "why are you so cold? I was just trying to be helpful!" and blame you for her reaction.

If you don't react, she will have to initiate again - she may still blame you for not answering but will feel that she no longer has enough power to make you react when you don't want.

I'd keep NC. Don't let her see that she is impacting you at all.

Good luck 

[blender]

I'm afraid that either way you are screwed.  I've been in the exact situation.  Got clothing-related texts too after weeks of no contact.  It is 100% about her reengaging.   If you ignore, I guarantee you'll get another one, and it will likely be nasty (based on my experience).   If you respond, you're sucked back in to her venemous dance.  If you respond with a simple "ok thanks", you'll get hammerred about your lack of a thoughtful response.  Either way, you lose, but NC is probably the best response.  I've tried all the others.   They don't work.  Stay strong. 

[lets]

Hi Krax,

If I were you I would block her number all together so you can not receive texts from her.  You can already feel the pain and confusion caused by a few words in a text.

You do know- the text is ALL about her seeing if she has control- don't give it to her

The thing about pwBPD they are mentally ill and don't behave the way us nons do- don't try and understand it- just let it go and don't respond.

As you move through your healing please have compassion for yourself- you have been through alot!

[krax]

Thanks! I know you´re all right. Didn´t think this would affect me as much as it did, the past weeks have been great, I´ve truely felt alive for the first time in years, and then with just a few words that doesn´t mean anything (probably does tho... ) makes me feel this bad. I managed to resist the urge to reply, alot thanks to you guys, and I don´t think I will do it either.

As some of you said, if I don´t reply she will get angry because I didin´t. I really don´t think she will. She´s a waif and I really think she grasped for something to hold on to, when she didn´t get it she probably felt bad. She has this weird sense of "pride" and she wont be chasing after me, I think this is the last I will hear from her for a loong time. Atleast I hope so.

[zoso80]

Hello Krax,

Lets is right on the money here: block her.  If you have no reason for contact - I.E. children or financial matters - block her on all levels: phone, internet, anything and everything you can think of.

Her texts are an attempt to keep you in orbit. Respond favorably, it will embolden her. She will then go to step two in reeling you back in, trying to arrange a meeting to "talk." Then if that goes well, she'll try to seduce you.

Not all Waif's respond the same.  My exBPD was a waif and she had the same pride you speak of. Once I told her I never wished to speak to her again and NEVER contact me again.  She got the point and it wounded her pride. Up till then, she had kept saying "I'm here when you are ready to resume." She was testing me. I get the sense you exBPD is testing you as well. She got you once. She knows she still wields some power.

It's up to you to resist - you are the only one that can save you. It's said regularly, but it's true. She's toxic. Given the chance, she'll rewrap those deadly tenticles around you.

No contact can be difficult when you haven't fully disengaged yet or that you still are in the FOG of the relationship. The fact that you are here shows your subconscious knows this woman wasn't good for you and it's working its way into your conscious mind. It's just getting by the baggage of emotion this person caused you.

Good luck, many of us have been there so we get it!

Strength to you.

[2010]

"I think you can get those jeans you wanted at X store" it does seem like an attempt to re-engage?

She's on a shopping high for a fantasy based persona that she perceives you have. Sometimes this is used as a dissociative mechanism for Borderlines so they feel some sense of worth.  Finding something that other people value gives them value if they can provide it for you.  That's a very heady thing to need concerning both parties.  But in the end, it doesn't allow for painful interpersonal feelings to surface- it's used instead as a block. Those feelings about becoming an identity without NEEDING to do things *OR* receive things from others are very painful.

You see, BPD is a persecution complex no matter what the intended consequences are in the "giving."  Giving is a way around feeling persecuted (for a BPD) and to continually adopt a persona that serves others- even after they've split bad the former recipient.  Giving is a compulsion. On and on and on - the borderline is never appreciated and will tell you so- not due to any fault of the partner- unless- the partner has cast a projective identification upon the borderline as a fantasy partner too.  Guilt is a big part of recovery for a partner with folies a deux.  BTW: Guilt is a higher development than shame, which is what the Borderline suffers from.

Do you really need those jeans? Or do you just want to be served? The stark honesty of this answer should be what you investigate in the aftermath of being with a person who has the desire to falsely attach for their own persecution. What is your attraction to that?  

[JustTired]

Don't even go there. Someone who has a personality disorder loves nothing more than to put you through a revolving door. Do you really want to be going around in that same revolving door again? This is the typical crap that someone with this sort of disorder will pull months later. It is as if they can smell it if you are moving along and they can't stand it.

[annbutterfly]

Block her from texting you! Then she won't have the power to ruin your day so easily (of course she'll find other methods to contact you if she really wants to, but make her work at it; block her cell, send her emails directly to spam and then set your spam folder to automatically empty, so you're not tempted to go in and read emails)

Don't respond! She's just trying to test to see if you're still an option. Any response from you be it positive or negative will give her the "idea" in her sick mind that you care in "some" way. It does take months... .and even longer. I've been fighting my ex for years trying to get away but have only just in the past 2 months stuck with the NC and not waivered from it. He still tries to contact me, but I just deflect all. I'm hoping he'll give up soon... .I guess that's what we're ALL hoping for!