Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
October 09, 2024, 05:13:25 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: 1.13 | Validation - common tips and traps  (Read 15895 times)
briefcase
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married 18 years, together 20 years, still living together
Posts: 2150



« Reply #30 on: July 03, 2013, 11:25:02 AM »

How aware are you of the Unarticulated?  Is it possibly contributing to a problem now? How do you get in touch with it?

This a huge trap because the underlying feeling (what we want to validate) is often expressed to us as something else, or brought up in a way that is unclear or inflamatory.  We often respond to what we hear on the surface without pausing to consider the feeling that is behind the words we hear.  Of course, people with BPD will often express their feelings in sweeping, black and white statements that practically invite an invalidating response from you.  The trick is to de-personalize a lot of what they say by realizing they are mostly talking about themselves and their own feelings, no matter how its phrased.

Here are just a few examples of ways you might hear feelings expressed in "disguise":

1.  Accusations - You never want to spend any time with me anymore. (I feel lonely or neglected)

2.  Criticism - You never lift a finger around here. (I feel unappreciated or worn out)

3.  Comments about life - There is never anything to do, guess I'll just go to bed, again (I feel bored or depressed)

4.  Negative comments about themselves - I'm such an idiot, I should know know better than to rely on anyone.  (I feel disappointed)

5.  Threats - I want a divorce! (I feel angry or frustrated)

You can see how easy it would be to respond to some of these comments defensively, or by offering solutions, or by "reassuring" the other person that things aren't as bad as they say - all of which are actually invalidating responses.   

So, try not to take the bait on the surface.  Listen for the feelings that are being expressed and realize they are mostly talking about themselves and what they feel, not about you.  Then go about validating the feeling, in an appropriate way according to one of the methods in the Fruzetti video.

Great topic!   

Logged



Rapt Reader
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
Posts: 3626



WWW
« Reply #31 on: February 21, 2015, 01:56:56 PM »

When we ask questions in a validating way it can help the pwBPD process their feelings and identify the underlying causes of their distress.  This gives us more information as well so that we can validate the valid!

Here are some examples of validating statements followed by validating questions:

"I can see that you are frustrated about our financial situation, that is understandable.  Are you worried about how this will affect our lifestyle?"

"I would be upset if my friends didn't return my calls too. What do you think might be going on?"

Logged

lbjnltx
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: widowed
Posts: 7757


we can all evolve into someone beautiful


« Reply #32 on: February 25, 2015, 07:03:19 PM »

Learning how to ask validating questions was the next leap forward in improving:

My communication with my daughter (Keeping the conversation going)

My ability to understand her thought processes and feelings (fears)

My ability to help her move from overwhelming feelings into a more balanced perspective

My ability to let her solve her own problems and not try to solve them for her

My ability to guide her towards finding her own solutions and peace with her situations

My ability to participate with her in a model of problem solving

Priceless!

Logged

 BPDd-13 Residential Treatment - keep believing in miracles
lbjnltx
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: widowed
Posts: 7757


we can all evolve into someone beautiful


« Reply #33 on: December 07, 2018, 04:18:23 PM »

Learning how to ask validating questions was the next leap forward in improving:

My communication with my daughter (Keeping the conversation going)

My ability to understand her thought processes and feelings (fears)

My ability to help her move from overwhelming feelings into a more balanced perspective

My ability to let her solve her own problems and not try to solve them for her

My ability to guide her towards finding her own solutions and peace with her situations

My ability to participate with her in a model of problem solving

Priceless!

Logged

 BPDd-13 Residential Treatment - keep believing in miracles
BadIdeasCanSwim

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #34 on: October 29, 2019, 01:55:08 PM »

I'm still early in this process. My wife has just restarted treatment after a false start, but I have been seeing a therapist with DBT training since early-mid 2019.

For reference I was using Shari Manning's six levels of validation referenced above.

But the trap I fell into was trying to dive right into steps 4-5 as soon as possible while completely ignoring steps 1-3. For some reason I saw levels 4-5 were the only ones where actual validation is taking place. Once I realized I was doing this and corrected I got much better at being validating. Levels 1-3 are just as validating and just as effective at lowering emotions as steps 4 and 5. And with good use of levels 1-3 you actually can be more validating with levels 4-5.

I see level 6 as just incorporating the whole thing into your own voice. If someone gives an example of a validating statement and you just can't imagine yourself saying it or it just kind of feels awkward, try and find a way to incorporate it into your own voice. If you can't do that, use levels 1-3.

Logged
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Links and Information
CLINICAL INFORMATION
The Big Picture
5 Dimensions of Personality
BPD? How can I know?
Get Someone into Therapy
Treatment of BPD
Full Clinical Definition
Top 50 Questions

EDITORIAL DEPARTMENTS
My Child has BPD
My Parent/Sibling has BPD
My Significant Other has BPD
Recovering a Breakup
My Failing Romance
Endorsed Books
Archived Articles

RELATIONSHIP TOOLS
How to Stop Reacting
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Values and Boundaries
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools

MESSAGEBOARD GENERAL
Membership Eligibility
Messageboard Guidelines
Directory
Suicidal Ideation
Domestic Violence
ABOUT US
Mission
Policy and Disclaimers
Professional Endorsements
Wikipedia
Facebook

BPDFamily.org

Your Account
Settings

Moderation Appeal
Become a Sponsor
Sponsorship Account


Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!