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Author Topic: BPD male avoiding sex  (Read 11527 times)
HardDaysNight
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« Reply #30 on: February 07, 2012, 08:24:39 AM »

he would constantly talk about the "ONE" thing that I did not find pleasureable

And if you did consent to it?  My guess is that it would not make a difference.  I suspect that it was just an excuse to not get closer.  Making love is as close as you can to a partner... .it has to be scary for them.  Mine would use the excuse that things were "chaotic" at home (because my son slept until noon and parked in the driveway... .yea... .okay  ). He claimed that he can only feel "the fire" when things are calm in his life.  Bizarre!  I never encountered a man that couldn't and wouldn't want sex because of the dirty dishes in the sink.  It was an excuse.

I think that I'm beginning to answer my own questions ... Being cool (click to insert in post)

I agree there is no win here.  Even if you did it it would somehow not be right.  BPD/NPD are experts at making it sound like if you just did this one thing then all would be right.  And every thing wrong is your fault because you don't do this one thing.  It doesn't matter what that thing is... .  I have a whole list of the "one things" I was asked to do and when done, there was always another, or it wasn't done right, or she did not really want that thing but another.  Some were very hard and I had to change completely my routine.  I kept it up for a long time,once hitting all the things on her list for 9 months straight.  I'm nothing if not determined.  In the end she got worse.  If I had only known about BPD then I would have expected that.

I find this an example of black/white thinking.  A healthy person would take you in total.  So you don't want to do that one thing in bed but I bet there are plenty of other things that get the fire going.

I think it is sad either way your husband was so insecure about sex.  It may be an excuse or he may very well need to feel "calm" to get his fire going.  Either way, the examples you give make me think really?  That is all it takes to turn you off?  Talk about high maintenance.

So I come to realize there will always be something.  A pwBPD will always have something you are not doing that puts the blame on you.   If there is not something most people consider important they will choose something trivial, and after others tell them to get real, they will blow it out of proportion and make stuff up to make it a big deal.  You'll know this occurs when the pwBPD isolates you from their support network, since the people they rely on to validate their lies and mistreatment of you can't be shown the truth.
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« Reply #31 on: February 07, 2012, 08:40:35 AM »

I was only with my ex one year, but sex is THE ONE area where there were no problems... .it was definitely one of the, if not the best part of the relationship Smiling (click to insert in post) My ex never really had any outward issues with intimacy, although I believe he was doing what he thought he was supposed to do (as far as intimacy outside the bedroom), all the while seething on the inside until it all escaped in his final rage incident.

I can honestly say I have no complaints about the sex and quite honestly, I'm glad I remember a thing or two or 20 to take with me into another r/s should I choose to enter into one.

M
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« Reply #32 on: February 07, 2012, 08:41:29 AM »

Hi Helena52, my story is a little similar.  My i got with my expbdgf thru an affair and we ended up leaving our SO for each other.  The sex was off the charts with this woman.  I mean, i could pretty much do anything with her (no 3rd parties) and pretty much anywhere.  The first 2 yrs were all about sex.  I could  write alot about it but that too is another story.  

Even though we argued and dealt with all her drama, we still had a very active sex life.  It didnt start to go down hill till her BPD really started showing.  I love sex dont get me wrong and shes very hot.  But we would get into some pretty bad arguements , im talking about relationship ending ones, and then shed do her famous, I love you dont leave me. AGGGGGhhhh!  She pulled that one so many times.  Anyways , then she would want sex, ill admit the first few times i was able to because i thought she was sincere and i love make up sex.  After it became a habit, i just couldnt have sex with her because it was so hard to go from fighting to an act of love and affection.  She had no problem, but it was very hard for me.  There were times id be to tired or stressed and she wanted sex.  I couldnt, but boy did she rage about that.  She would rip the covers off the bed, turn the lights on and tell me "your not going to sleep until you F*** me"  Hows that for a turn on. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

She even made me start taking viagra so i could have sex with her. Sex became a tool for her and she knew how to use it.  after a while we had sex only when she wanted it.  The great sex we once had had now turned into  a chore and it lost alot of its passion.  I think thats why i wasnt looking forward to our sex like i used to.  I miss our sex but that was the honeymoon phase i guess.  Sorry if i was off topic, but i wanted to post what my sex life was like with my BPD.  I think at the end, we were just sex.
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Pou
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« Reply #33 on: February 08, 2012, 11:30:20 AM »

She would rip the covers off the bed, turn the lights on and tell me "your not going to sleep until you F*** me"  Hows that for a turn on. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

She even made me start taking viagra so i could have sex with her. Sex became a tool for her and she knew how to use it.  

E709, I guess the intensity is the same in the beginning almost for everyone and then when sexual relationship starts to mutate (less about love, but more about control), then the lesson is the non-BPD or non-NPD partner has to be alarmed before heading to the alter.  It looks like your ex-girlfriend was trying to use sex to control you and it is also a way for her to feel that she is controlling you as long as you two have sex.  Now, if you initiate and be the aggressor ... .it may well likely that she will start to back off and starts to resist ... .just to demonstrate to you that who is in control.  My NPD wife is emotionally cold, but has lots of drama inside her head ... .and also shows no empathy to my hardship.  She also uses sex as a method to insert her control.  In any event, it is highly dysfunctional.  Sex is a way to express love and shared by two people only.  When BPDs / NPDs use it as means to control you that also means, she or he could be easily use it to insert control over her coworkers, her boss, or her inferiors or just friends ... .What I mean to say is that they view sex very different than normal people and I don't think it is somehting that they can intellectualize ... .I think it is just the way they see the world.  This is just my rude awkening from experiences and books read.
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CodependentHusband
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« Reply #34 on: February 08, 2012, 03:11:22 PM »

It looks like your ex-girlfriend was trying to use sex to control you and it is also a way for her to feel that she is controlling you as long as you two have sex. 

I wish my dBPDw would try to control me with sex.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I don't get the totally disengaged/disconnected feeling that has been described by some on my once or twice a month ration of sex, but she's not much into kissing... .never has been. I think I find that less odd than I used to now, but that's probably because I've simply gotten used to it. She does tend to want to rush through it most of the time... .I think it's a real shame, personally, because she is missing out on something that she is incapable of fully understanding and enjoying.


More back to the original topic though... .It may be splitting hairs, but I feel more like my dBPDw "controls sex" more than she "controls me with sex." There is a bit of a distinction here. I no longer attempt to initiate because she got to a point where 99% of the time I got a "no way!" response. I still don't fully understand what triggered the change, but it wasn't always this way... .In any event, I have accepted it for what it is, and it seems to be at least somewhat consistent with  the experience of a lot of non's.
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« Reply #35 on: February 09, 2012, 10:07:54 AM »



   " I was only with my ex one year, but sex is THE ONE area where there were no problems... .it was definitely one of the, if not the best part of the relationship smiley My ex never really had any outward issues with intimacy, although I believe he was doing what he thought he was supposed to do (as far as intimacy outside the bedroom), all the while seething on the inside until it all escaped in his final rage incident.

I can honestly say I have no complaints about the sex and quite honestly, I'm glad I remember a thing or two or 20 to take with me into another r/s should I choose to enter into one."

   

   Same here. I was with my ex over a year and the sex was still good when I was leaving him because I was still in the " seduction phase ". But if I stay longer, I don't think my r/s would be different from the other posts here.
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HardDaysNight
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« Reply #36 on: February 09, 2012, 12:34:50 PM »

CodependentHusband,

  My experience is similiar to yours.  My BPD/NPD wife has always been insecure about sex.  I figured it would get better as we spent more time together, like all my prior relationships.  No doing.  I realize now as we became more intimate as in being in each others lives and having kids it made her more insecure.  A shame because we both are still in great shape and there is not physical reason it wouldn't be great.

 
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sm15000
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« Reply #37 on: February 09, 2012, 05:46:24 PM »

Excerpt
I used to think that as soon as we got emotionally closer & the more infrequent sex was, that it had to do with his unspoken hatred for women (i.e. his mom)

I'm guessing but i think there was definitely an unspoken hatred for women thing with my ex. . .when he felt engulfment/fear of abandonment our sex life although didn't stop - changed.  Because basically then he cheats. . .it became less intimate, more 'porn' like because i think he uses it more. . .and he becomes more brash and objectifies women more. . .but whatever BPD stage they are going through, it always plays out in the bedroom 

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Pou
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« Reply #38 on: February 09, 2012, 06:29:48 PM »

Codependenthusband ... .funny that you said you wish your ex would control using sex.  But your ex did control you with sex ... what she did was giving you plenty in the beginning and then stoped just to make you do what she wants you to do once you guys progress to the next stage in your relationship.  With a NPD or BPD, sex is becoming a power control bargain chip.  It is mechanical and the less attachement they have with it, the better for them (feeling safe)... .I think it may have to do with their earlier negative experience with sex ... .it could be some type of trauma or had an early childhood dysfunctional sexual experience ... .which led them to detach the feeling of love from sex.  In any event, it is something that you and I can not understand ... .and because BPDs/NPDs are unable to share and communicate their negative experiences with you and me (not even the psychiatrists in most cases) ... .this abnormality stays with them for life and they will keep hurting people who want to get close to them to forge a relationship.  Basically, unless something miraculous happens ... .it is almost impossible for them to fix that abnormal dissociation (between love and sex).  If you try, they feel threatened and because they usually have above average intelligence, you will find yourself being attacked and abused and feeling like a sucker for trying to be a good partner.  I find out first hand that the kindness you give to these BPDs and NPDs, they perceive them as threats and instead of appreciate, they devalue your kind acts and you as a person, and they will dog you badly.  Unfotunately, acting cool and cold won't work either ... .because when you do that, they feel safe and feel detached and so they are fine with them.  In essence, my experience taught me that this is really a no win situation ... .but if you act as if you do depend on them (sexually) and won't question them when they treat you like sht to push you away, then they will leave you alone with other things and won't have the urge to devaluate you (since they thought they have already done so by rejecting you).  Pretty mess up ... .and I have learned alot in past couple years about my wife ... .but I am still learning.  I got two precious kids and right now, I am forced to understand her in order to deal with her intelligently.  I don't get angry or upset any more ever since I realize that she is a NPD.  But I am unable to stop her from prjecting lies into our daily lives ... she does it to insert control by twisting reality.  The more I try to intellectualize my relationship with her, the more I am willing to let go the fantasy of having a loving wife and accept that I simply don't have that and get over it ... at least for now.   Good luck with you and to everyone on this forum.  I know I need lots of it.
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CodependentHusband
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« Reply #39 on: February 09, 2012, 07:57:40 PM »

Codependenthusband ... .funny that you said you wish your ex would control using sex.  But your ex did control you with sex ... what she did was giving you plenty in the beginning and then stoped just to make you do what she wants you to do once you guys progress to the next stage in your relationship.  With a NPD or BPD, sex is becoming a power control bargain chip.  It is mechanical and the less attachement they have with it, the better for them (feeling safe)... .I think it may have to do with their earlier negative experience with sex ... .it could be some type of trauma or had an early childhood dysfunctional sexual experience ... .which led them to detach the feeling of love from sex.  In any event, it is something that you and I can not understand ... .and because BPDs/NPDs are unable to share and communicate their negative experiences with you and me (not even the psychiatrists in most cases) ... .this abnormality stays with them for life and they will keep hurting people who want to get close to them to forge a relationship.  Basically, unless something miraculous happens ... .it is almost impossible for them to fix that abnormal dissociation (between love and sex).  If you try, they feel threatened and because they usually have above average intelligence, you will find yourself being attacked and abused and feeling like a sucker for trying to be a good partner.  I find out first hand that the kindness you give to these BPDs and NPDs, they perceive them as threats and instead of appreciate, they devalue your kind acts and you as a person, and they will dog you badly.  Unfotunately, acting cool and cold won't work either ... .because when you do that, they feel safe and feel detached and so they are fine with them.  In essence, my experience taught me that this is really a no win situation ... .but if you act as if you do depend on them (sexually) and won't question them when they treat you like sht to push you away, then they will leave you alone with other things and won't have the urge to devaluate you (since they thought they have already done so by rejecting you).  Pretty mess up ... .and I have learned alot in past couple years about my wife ... .but I am still learning.  I got two precious kids and right now, I am forced to understand her in order to deal with her intelligently.  I don't get angry or upset any more ever since I realize that she is a NPD.  But I am unable to stop her from prjecting lies into our daily lives ... she does it to insert control by twisting reality.  The more I try to intellectualize my relationship with her, the more I am willing to let go the fantasy of having a loving wife and accept that I simply don't have that and get over it ... at least for now.   Good luck with you and to everyone on this forum.  I know I need lots of it.

Pou,

    Actually, most of what you say rings very true with me. I was really joking about the stereotypical type of bargaining for sex, which doesn't seem to exist in my marriage. Like you, I have gotten to a stage where I don't really let it bother me... .Yes, she has some strong N traits as well. My mind is always apt to change, but I have found that I love my wife unconditionally. I know that it is a very dysfunctional r/s, but I'm doing the best that I can with helping to keep the dysfunction in how she loves me, instead of my adding to the mix. Ultimately, it is lonely loving someone who is unable to love you back in a way that you deserve, isn't it? One thing I haven't found with my wife that I see discussed frequentkly on these boards is that she doesn't seem to be a cheater. I wonder how many BPD wives with this aversion to sex are also typically cheaters?
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Zibbiddy
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« Reply #40 on: March 25, 2017, 06:04:00 AM »

So glad I found  this thread! Sex used to be about once or twice a week but in the last few months it feels like he uses it to have some sort of power over me. I have to "book in" and "remind" him not to masturbate during the day so we can have sex and he acts like he's doing me a favour - it's SUCH a huge effort. And any little excuse will be used not to go through with it.

For instance, I was looking for book recommendations on my ebook, books like Bridget Jones, and a comedy book called "How to be Single" came up on the screen.  So naturally I started looking through the list of book recommendations attached to this book, he saw the title on the computer screen and started screaming at me like a maniac. I wanted to be single! No sex for me. I pointed out that it was just the title of a book that came up in recommendations but he was angry, rolled over and went to sleep.

Frankly, he's a dickhead and I'm over him.

It's been more than 6 years. I moved out last weekend. He says he's going to get help, has for years, but it never happens.
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apollotech
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« Reply #41 on: March 26, 2017, 12:15:57 AM »

But why was it not a problem before marriage? In my case, after moving in and eventually getting engaged?

Sailskier,

What you described sounds an awful lot like an engulfment issue on his behalf, which can be triggered by intimacy. Before the marriage he could always leave and regain his emotions; however, after the marriage he could no longer do that, so he avoids the intimacy which triggers the engulfment. What you are describing is a fairly common theme on these boards.

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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #42 on: March 26, 2017, 02:29:11 PM »

I can raise my hand and say that my ex was not much in the sex department with ME yet claimed to be a sex addict. Talk about feeling really, really confused. He was a sex addict yet wouldn't initiate with his own wife.

On our wedding night, he chose to watch PPV porn instead of being with me. On our first morning in our apartment together, I woke up to him looking at porn and pleasuring himself. When I said something to him, he brushed it off as, "I didn't want to wake you up. You were sleeping so peacefully." So, my concerns were dismissed as he was being nice to me and was looking out for me and my sleep. Forget that I begged him to wake me up for years to no avail.

If I wanted to be intimate with my husband, I had to initiate and do all of the work. It was really confusing because if I didn't initiate and take care of him then he would be a jerk because he wasn't getting any. In the last several years of the relationship, things went really downhill. The only way he could get excited enough to be with me was if fantasy was involved. He could get excited over the thought of me with another man but he couldn't get excited if I told him that I didn't want any fantasy and that I wanted my husband to be with me and just me without any of the other crap. It didn't work. His equipment would NOT work if I didn't indulge in his fantasy.

And, after 15 years of marriage, he told me that he was bisexual and wanted to be with another man.

Talk about feeling confused. I was with a sex addict that couldn't have sex with me. It hurt like heck to hear him tell other women things like "My wife won't have sex with me any more." Um, that is a load of crap because it had only been a couple of days. And, of course, he was telling ME that I wanted it too much and that his performance problems were because he couldn't keep up with me. I wanted too much sex yet he was the sex addict.

I think he lost interest in sex after getting married because he couldn't time his self pleasuring activities. Before we got married, we would see each other on the weekends so he could prepare to be with me. After marriage, I was wanting him to be with me on a daily basis. The problem is that he enjoyed his own company more than he did mine, which was very confusing for me because the two guys that I was with physically before my husband were quite complimentary. Of course, ex told me that I was impossible to please so why should he even try. Funny thing is that the guy I dated after him had zero problems with that.

I will never forget the time that I deliberately went out seeking the advice of guys to find out how to get ex interested. These guys were making suggestions and recommendations of how to get my husband interested. I would tell them, "Yep. I did that." and then I proceeded to tell them some of the other stuff that I tried to no avail. I don't know how many of them told me that he was the problem, not me. Any man that was even remotely normal would have responded to the stuff that I tried to do to get my ex interested and checked back in.

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