Is It Possible They Treat Some Partners Better Than Others

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just trying to see what kind of perspectives there are out there regarding this topic.  In terms of reasonably long term relationships, where a strong attachment between the BP and non has been formed, is it possible that the BP treats some of his or her long term partners better than others?  Or do BP's end up completely emotionally destroying all of their partners at an equal level?  Any opinions on this?

[avoidatallcost]

Just trying to see what kind of perspectives there are out there regarding this topic.  In terms of reasonably long term relationships, where a strong attachment between the BP and non has been formed, is it possible that the BP treats some of his or her long term partners better than others?  Or do BP's end up completely emotionally destroying all of their partners at an equal level?  Any opinions on this?

[alcochoc]

yes... .i believe so & i think this very fact creates a lot of turmoil in accepting the illness.   of course there are varying degrees of acting out which i believe can be exacerbated by life events such as the stress of illness, jobs, college etc etc etc

i also think it depends on the nature of the non-partner.  i think if the illness has its foundations in abandonment then a non-partner who is loving, caring, supportive & wanting intimacy may well drive up the push / pull element.  In contrast a non-partner who is available but not so supportive or has less insight / intuitiveness may last longer and be better treatedas as they represent less of a threat!

my x's past relationships have all ended with her partners cheating... .funnily enough she is in touch with them all despite the fact that they all did the dirty on her in terrible ways! ... .i was the most normal relationship she's ever had [we must of split up 10 times in 12 months]... .& i was the only one to long for her long after the relationship ended... .i pretty much think no one has been as close to my x as me or understood her as much but i'm beginning to think that these qualities actually seemed to trigger her in some way when we were physically linked.  when we split up she treated me very well but i now have to accept that this was probably triangulation (read definition) !

i think its also worth saying that when we see our x's behaving very beautifully with someone else it puts doubt in our minds - as if there was never anything wrong with them & it must be me who is the crazy one!  for me [i am only just hitting one month of NC] the fact that my x looks & is acting so loved up is somehow devaluing me... .& in the inital stages of NC it hurt like hell !

[avoidatallcost]

i think its also worth saying that when we see our x's behaving very beautifully with someone else it puts doubt in our minds - as if there was never anything wrong with them & it must be me who is the crazy one!  for me [i am only just hitting one month of NC] the fact that my x looks & is acting so loved up is somehow devaluing me... .& in the inital stages of NC it hurt like hell !

This is exactly how I feel right now.  How are they so expert in making it seem as if the new relationship is perfect?  Do they do this motivated by the desire to show us, the non ex, how crazy we are and that we were the problem all along?

i think if the illness has its foundations in abandonment then a non-partner who is loving, caring, supportive & wanting intimacy may well drive up the push / pull element.  In contrast a non-partner who is available but not so supportive or has less insight / intuitiveness may last longer and be better treatedas as they represent less of a threat!

Very interesting... so the more the non loves and cares for the BP, the more poorly the non can expect to be treated?  In my own situation, I think you may have something here.  My BP was always telling me how much love I was capable of showing, and she even wanted to "hook me up" with one of her friends who she said was also capable of great expressions of love.  This made absolutely no sense to me at the time, but I didn't realize just how disordered her brain was so anything is possible with her. 

Can anyone else confirm this idea that the more you love the BP ex, the worse they treat you through their own experiences?

[alcochoc]

Do they do this motivated by the desire to show us, the non ex, how crazy we are and that we were the problem all along?

i personally don't think they 'think' of us at all!  they've moved on & pending environmental factors they push or pull, more, or less.  through FB i have seen my x pushing / pulling her new partner and at times being terribly selfish but not to the same extent i experienced!  my x is also back home in greece where the culture is very different so the relationship intensity can be diluted very quickly if fears rear their ugly head!   also the greek chaos will probably draw everyone together so personally i think environmental factors are very important particularly if someone is borderline borderline... .

[G.J.]

Can anyone else confirm this idea that the more you love the BP ex, the worse they treat you through their own experiences?

I can't confirm it specifically.  But I can give you my own perspective.

My dxBPD/BP2-exbf was extremely controlling with me.  Never wanted me to see my friends.  Was very suspicious of my male friends (even though they lived in other states).  Went through my entire computer, old flash drives, my phone -- all behind my back.  He wanted me to spend ALL my time with him.  And yes, for a long time, I loved him very much.  I did spend all my time with him, and my whole life ended up becoming centered around him.  He had to have broken up with me 20 times over 20 months.  The push/pull was really severe.

On the contrary, he wasn't like that with his ex-wife.  Heck, everyone (including him) thought she was having an affair with his father (the whole family is a trainwreck) and he didn't even care.  She'd go out to the bars dancing all the time.  She'd spend all night talking on the phone with her friends.  They never did anything together.  He went to work, did stuff on his own, sometimes see her at dinner, and then go to bed.  They were together for 18 years (miserably).  Everyone in his family told me he never loved her and got pushed into marrying her.  [Meanwhile, hours after I broke up with him, he begged her to take him back.     He later told me he needed to know that someone would have him because he's terrified of being alone.   ]

They all said he only had one other relationship (when he was about 20) that he seemed to "love" that girl as much as he did me.  And that relationship was equally as volatile as ours.  His family hated her because their relationship was in so much turmoil... .  Wonder if they understand yet that it was HIM.

[Sofie]

Hmmm, I don't think that they necessarily treat some partners inherently better than others, but I do think that they treat partners differently depending on how that partner is and what he or she will tolerate. I know, for instance, that my ex raged at several people close to her including ex-partners, but she never raged at me - I got the silent treatment and the poor-me waif behavior all the way. To some degree I think this was due to that she knew - and I know - that I would never have tolerated being raged at - rage was not a tool that she, consciously or unconsciously, could use to manipulate me.

[MaybeSo]

Two people joined together as a couple will always manifest their own unique chemistry.  Some of the stuff that drove me crazy in my r/s with my ex wasn't a big deal to his ex wife, they battled over other things.  Some of the things his ex wife put up with, I wouldn't have, while many of the things she complains and feels bitter about... .I don't understand what the big deal is.  I'm sure if his ex and I spoke, there would be some common things we would both agree on.  But not everything, because she and I are not cookie cutter people, she comes with her own unique baggage and expectations, as do I.

Everyone's different, everyone shows up differently in r/s, two people together create their own unique and very complex chemistry together.

[Faded]

when i met my ex, her ex apparently was abusive etc etc etc etc etc (ill never know truth)

When she left me, i was abusive etc etc etc etc etc (false)

The guy she left me for, beat her, smashed her home up and tried to kill himself (this one is the fact)

The next relationship that i hear about (am sure there was a handful inbetween) has been going on for around 9 years, married maybe 7 years.

Being kept in the triangulation (read definition) ive heard plenty of boring stories about her husband and how she is leaving him for what ever reason.

No disrespect to her husband in anyway as he seems like an half decent fella but my take on him is that he is actually another me but much more docile, the kind of guy that got bullied a bit at school.

I know he seems to soak it up for her quite often, either because he is more docile he will accept the BS for longer, maybe enabling her but i wonder if the attraction will end, not that it effects my self if it does but it does make me wonder how long he will put up with it for?

I do respect her husband but he aint half a willing punch bag. will he take it because she is very good looking, hes looking his age at 10 years her senior and will accept that-that is his life now and is committed.

Or will he too, wake up one day and either run for the hills or have his life ripped away from him like he never thought possible?

The great news is, none of this my dilemma anymore  

So i dont think they treat people differently as that was made clear to me by the exes mum that her life style affects the all who are connected with her, family & friends but what they do is find someone docile enough to take the BS for life or a longer time than we ourselves.

[GP44]

I believe that the more caring, supportive, kind you are, and the closer you bring them to intimacy, the more wrenching the end. Whereas they may date somebody casually, it doesn't get serious, and their BPD issues may not come into play, and so that may end because of typical lack of real interest on the part of one or both partners in exploring things further. But I think if you're seriously involved, if things get to the point of a serious, committed relationship, their BPD issues will deploy in some form or fashion or another.

[Tazmo7521]

I am my stbx's second victim, umm I mean husband.  From what I have learned, she treated this guy similarly, but they had kids.  They were married 10 years versus our 4 together, so read between the lines.

In her first marriage there was infidelity on both sides according to her.  I haven't seen any definite signs of such in this marriage.  

I could speculate as to why the first hubby was unfaithful, and I would probably be very close, but let's just say she given me the silent treatment and withheld affection for a longggggggg time, so I could see why hubby number 1 would stray... .just sayin.

Do all BPDs treat their new SO like they did us?  I defer to other posters who basically said it depends on the dynamics of the two partners involved at that moment.  I am certain that at some point their mask will come off, and the non partner will either accept it or not.  If he/she accepts it, then the relationship will proceed for a time.  There was a poster on the HPD pysch forums named tattered knight.  He was a hero to the nons because he was able to keep his marriage going... .for a while.  One day he came home and caught his spouse cheating.  I think that 99.9% of these relationships fail for whatever reason.

[backontop]

I have treated some of my past relationship partners better than others, and I am a non.   BPD partners may have different chemistry with another partner, due to the others differing characteristics, but the pattern of the relationship behaviour for the BPD appears THE SAME, in every relationship.   They have one MO, and they seem to stick to it- because it works.   They don't change until it stops working, or get intense therapy.

So no, your replacement gets the same sugar, but they get the same s%^t as well!   Don't believe the illusion, and stop torturing yourself by keeping up with the new r/s... .  trust me, it's the same.   You can imagine lipstick on that pig if you want to, but it's all smoke and mirrors 

[StillInShock]

When they are fixated upon a prey, they use the same seductive methods until the victim swallows the bait. The only thing that is different will be the length of the honeymoon phase... .that duration contributes to our false perception of  better treatment... .The extension of the honeymoon period depends on two things... .what the BPD want and need from the victim and the personality of the victim itself.

But the devastating outcome is the same... .with all kind of partners the gut wrenching result will always be the same

[avoidatallcost]

Ok it seems like everyone pretty much agrees that there may be differences in the treatment of long term partners, but basically although the methods of torture may vary the result is always the same.

I asked a question earlier about our BP's and when they leave us for the replacement, whether the BP was especially motivated to make it seem as if the new relationship is perfect as another way of hurting us.  One poster here, I think it was Alcochoc, mentioned that they don't think of us at all.

I'm not so sure I buy this... I think the BP's do in fact think of us.  I think once in a while they like to hurt us even more, and they're especially prone to making it look as if the new relationship is perfect.  They do this because they honestly believe that the non is the root of all the problems with the relationship, and they want to hurt us by making us feel guilty because it was all OUR fault for not being able to resolve the problems in the r/s.

Any thoughts on this?

[bpdlover]

The longer you hang with them, the more they can take and destroy. Both parties adjust to the "crazy" and start to believe it normal. Short terms are just ego stroking. My ex was always bragging about sucking them back in so that she could break up first. I think my ex wanted most of the guys to conform to her needs. My ex didn't get the chance to brag about her new relationship but I am sure that she has an internal game/ego stroke and then pretends this onto others. It's all smear. Black and white remember. She thinks herself white trash one minute then while bagging her ex, the catch of the century.

[push pull]

When they are fixated upon a prey, they use the same seductive methods until the victim swallows the bait.

how true that is. Seduction and sweetness to get the victim under their spell. Once they finally drop their guard, the borderline drives a stake right through that tender heart.

Then game over.

[StillInShock]

Ok it seems like everyone pretty much agrees that there may be differences in the treatment of long term partners, but basically although the methods of torture may vary the result is always the same.

I asked a question earlier about our BP's and when they leave us for the replacement, whether the BP was especially motivated to make it seem as if the new relationship is perfect as another way of hurting us.  One poster here, I think it was Alcochoc, mentioned that they don't think of us at all.

I'm not so sure I buy this... I think the BP's do in fact think of us.  I think once in a while they like to hurt us even more, and they're especially prone to making it look as if the new relationship is perfect.  They do this because they honestly believe that the non is the root of all the problems with the relationship, and they want to hurt us by making us feel guilty because it was all OUR fault for not being able to resolve the problems in the r/s.

Any thoughts on this?

From my own personal experience I have noticed a pattern in my ex-fiance's attitude... .he contacts me at the beginning of a new relationship rubbing it under my nose... .asking me if I'm jealous... .he re-contacts me again at the failure of his anticipated relationship... .

Four weeks ago he tried to get back... .I was so angry at him and I asked him why all of a sudden he remembered me... .he said u mean there wasn't a day that passed without remembering u

He recontacted me 2 days ago... .wanted to talk about us... .telling me that I was right all a long and he was wrong that he couldn't trust me

He wants to see me... .deep inside of me I still want him back... .I still want to try one more again

I'm getting weaker to my temptation... .I missed him so much

I do believe that they think of us a lot... .and they want to hurt us as a punishment for their distorted perception that we didn't meet their ideal expectations and failed to provide what they need.

[G.J.]

Ok it seems like everyone pretty much agrees that there may be differences in the treatment of long term partners, but basically although the methods of torture may vary the result is always the same.

Yeah absolutely. My ex didn't care if his wife (at the time) went out with other guys, etc. But I know she endured a lot of the same rages, etc. She also tolerated him throwing things, breaking things, etc. I did not. So he didn't do that with me. But yeah, there was no "normal" behavior going on in either relationship. Just different means of torture.

One poster here, I think it was Alcochoc, mentioned that they don't think of us at all.

I'm not so sure I buy this...

Any thoughts on this?

I agree with you. When my BPD/BP2-exbf had his ex-wife painted black, he wanted to flaunt me in front of her and would go out of his way to make it look like we were SO happy. (She had gone so far out of her way to make my life a living hell, I was regrettably a willing participant.) But when he had me painted black -- or her white -- for whatever reason, then he'd tone it down a lot. We had to see her every week or so because of their kids. Looking back on it, I'm sure it was really confusing for her.

[StillInShock]

Then game over.

Your statement made me laugh... .just imaging that the whole thing was indeed a video game... .they have the controller in their hands... .and when it ends abruptly... .they try to replay it again for their own survival and entertainment  

[Simpleone]

I think mine thinks of me still, but tries to forget. He is STILL trying to punish me by not divorcing me. It makes NO sense to me, but in his mind it does. I am to blame for everything, so I must be punished.

I agree with some of this- the last gf before me lasted off and on for 5 years, but she was not the nurturing type. I am a nurturer by nature, and I'm sure this is why the break up was so tragic and painful.

He used the EXACT phrasing with the new gf that he used on me. Their whole relationship was almost an exact mirror of ours. His honeymoon phase didnt last as long- I suspect she is very nurturing too, and it got to him. Plus, I'm sure she wondered why he wasnt divorced yet. I wonder too.

[StillInShock]

but basically although the methods of torture may vary the result is always the same.

The source for their creative and selective method of torture is based on our weakness points... .they have an amazing sense to spot our death points and use it as an ammunition to kill us

The way the seductive method was costume made to suit each particular victim... .the discard method is also costume made to ensure the best method to kill which victim

[bpdlover]

Game over. It's an interesting comment isn't it. The game is over for me and that is a source of happiness and contentment.

At the time, it's punishment and cruelty. They do target "weak spots" and use whatever means to gain control of their victim. My ex often paraded a "game over" attitude like that with her previous objects. She was very proud of ending casual relationships and having the last laugh. It is a game BPD's play to win. That's the only way they can make sense of it. Love requires a little more maturity. My ex is among the worse type of BPD. Short term flings, long term partners she gets pregnant early to, breaks up often, ensnares others and ends her relationships abruptly and permanently. The black widow spider.

[G.J.]

He wants to see me... .deep inside of me I still want him back... .I still want to try one more again

I'm getting weaker to my temptation... .I missed him so much

I do believe that they think of us a lot... .and they want to hurt us as a punishment for their distorted perception that we didn't meet their ideal expectations and failed to provide what they need.

Good Lord, do NOT do it! PLEASE try to learn from my painful mistakes!

2 stories: Several years ago, I was also engaged to someone who was BPD/AsPD. I broke off the engagement when the "real" him started to present himself. (There had been signs - I had no idea about BPD.) Anyway, he immediately jumped into a new relationship. Told this girl he wanted to marry her. Etc etc. They broke up and after a total of  FOURTEEN MONTHS of NC, I got these really apologetic, "I only wanted you, you were right all along, I'm so sorry" emails. I fell for it.

Our first re-attachment lasted 3 months. Same result. Just as disordered as the first time. Nothing had changed. All of the "it was all my fault" crap was forgotten in less than a month.  3 months later, he tries again. I FELL for it AGAIN. 3 months later, I went NC for good. All the same stuff, over and over and over again. But now, I had wasted ANOTHER 2 years on this guy (14mo NC + the recycling). It was all the more painful and humiliating than the first time.

Second Story: Yet again, I got involved with a BPD. This time comorbid BP-II. I broke up with him last weekend. He's been divorced from his ex-wife for 2 years. He talked to me about marriage all the time. Was absolutely devastated when I left. Contacted me over 200 times the first day. Begging me to take him back.

Unbeknownst to me, he ALSO was calling his ex-wife off the hook, telling her he regretted divorcing her and realizes now everything he walked away from with her. She welcomed him back with open arms, offered to help move him out of my house, and cleared a place in her house for him to move back in.

ALL the while, BEGGING me to take him back and creating this "plan" for a better future for us. I found out about what was going on with his ex-wife. Here is an excerpt from a text he sent me after I flipped out on him about it:

"[My ex-wife] fell victim to me. I needed to know that there is someone out there that would take me back with open arms. Was I going to go back, absolutely NOT. I just wanted to know that I was not going to be alone. I have never been alone in my life, NEVER. It scares the hell out of me. I lead her on, made her think I was coming back... .I truly only have Love for you... ."

Do NOT do this to yourself. Do NOT romanticize what you had with him. YES they think of us -- but only as objects to fulfill THEIR needs. My ex has 2 kids with this woman. They thought Daddy was coming home. He manipulated me, his ex-wife AND his own kids were also casualties. Didn't matter. He needed to not be alone. He was willing to say ANYTHING to get his needs met.

Having been with 2 of them now -- trust me. He will say ANYTHING to not be alone. And he knows EXACTLY what to say to you to get you to go back.

[StillInShock]

He wants to see me... .deep inside of me I still want him back... .I still want to try one more again

I'm getting weaker to my temptation... .I missed him so much

I do believe that they think of us a lot... .and they want to hurt us as a punishment for their distorted perception that we didn't meet their ideal expectations and failed to provide what they need.

Good Lord, do NOT do it! PLEASE try to learn from my painful mistakes!

2 stories: Several years ago, I was also engaged to someone who was BPD/AsPD. I broke off the engagement when the "real" him started to present himself. (There had been signs - I had no idea about BPD.) Anyway, he immediately jumped into a new relationship. Told this girl he wanted to marry her. Etc etc. They broke up and after a total of  FOURTEEN MONTHS of NC, I got these really apologetic, "I only wanted you, you were right all along, I'm so sorry" emails. I fell for it.

Our first re-attachment lasted 3 months. Same result. Just as disordered as the first time. Nothing had changed. All of the "it was all my fault" crap was forgotten in less than a month.  3 months later, he tries again. I FELL for it AGAIN. 3 months later, I went NC for good. All the same stuff, over and over and over again. But now, I had wasted ANOTHER 2 years on this guy (14mo NC + the recycling). It was all the more painful and humiliating than the first time.

Second Story: Yet again, I got involved with a BPD. This time comorbid BP-II. I broke up with him last weekend. He's been divorced from his ex-wife for 2 years. He talked to me about marriage all the time. Was absolutely devastated when I left. Contacted me over 200 times the first day. Begging me to take him back.

Unbeknownst to me, he ALSO was calling his ex-wife off the hook, telling her he regretted divorcing her and realizes now everything he walked away from with her. She welcomed him back with open arms, offered to help move him out of my house, and cleared a place in her house for him to move back in.

ALL the while, BEGGING me to take him back and creating this "plan" for a better future for us. I found out about what was going on with his ex-wife. Here is an excerpt from a text he sent me after I flipped out on him about it:

"[My ex-wife] fell victim to me. I needed to know that there is someone out there that would take me back with open arms. Was I going to go back, absolutely NOT. I just wanted to know that I was not going to be alone. I have never been alone in my life, NEVER. It scares the hell out of me. I lead her on, made her think I was coming back... .I truly only have Love for you... ."

Do NOT do this to yourself. Do NOT romanticize what you had with him. YES they think of us -- but only as objects to fulfill THEIR needs. My ex has 2 kids with this woman. They thought Daddy was coming home. He manipulated me, his ex-wife AND his own kids were also casualties. Didn't matter. He needed to not be alone. He was willing to say ANYTHING to get his needs met.

Having been with 2 of them now -- trust me. He will say ANYTHING to not be alone. And he knows EXACTLY what to say to you to get you to go back.

That's what my best friend told me... .she said that I'm still in denial and that's why I want to go back... .but "what if" that question keeps nagging me... .I have never been recycled... .so having another chance is very tempting

So even if they say what we NEED to hear so they can get what they NEED as well... .that answers the question... .they do think about us... .

[bpdlover]

Sounds like my ex also. It was all about someone being there and helping out. It didn't matter who either. She would do literally anything or anyone to get what she wants and to avoid being alone. It just leaves a trail of hurt and some sad little people growing up around it. It is not worth going back. If my ex ever comes back after all of the disgusting games she has played with my heart, the phone will hang up quicker than she can think up her first lie. My current partner has bet me $50 that my ex will return. I bet no because it has been two years. She won't be back.

[G.J.]

Yes, they still think about their ex's but I don't think in the way you're thinking... .My ex used to talk about his ex-wife in some really horrible ways. She's quite overweight and he would sometimes talk about how embarrassed he was to be seen with her, etc. Trust me, he wasn't thinking of her in a "good" way. But hours after I left him, he had a NEED and he thought of HER to FULFILL his needs, because he felt she couldn't get any better than him (and would often say so). He KNEW she was an easy mark and a sure thing. So he called her. He USED her. All the while trying to get me to come back.

Is that how you want to be "needed"? If you thought Round 1 was painful, wait for Round 2. It's worse because you KNEW better and got conned anyway. It's humiliating, defeating, a waste of time -- AND it's confusing and it hurts all over again.

What makes you think it would be ANY different THIS time? Because of all the epiphanies and great things he's saying? It's ALL a sham! He will have forgotten those words in a matter of weeks -- if not hours. Being recycled isn't something to be excited about. At the end of that text my ex sent me, he outright told me to RUN. I honestly think that was his last act of actual love for me. They know they're ill. They know they're manipulative and liars. If your ex were any different, you wouldn't be here.  

[StillInShock]

G.J.   

I know that they think of us in an only selfish way... .during round one I didn't know about PBD... .self education now is my weapon... .hoping that I can be a match to his craziness... .I feel so divided now between my mind and my heart... .sometimes I think I'm truly the crazy one... .for considering the option to go back

[G.J.]

G.J.   

I know that they think of us in an only selfish way... .during round one I didn't know about PBD... .self education now is my weapon... .hoping that I can be a match to his craziness... .I feel so divided now between my mind and my heart... .sometimes I think I'm truly the crazy one... .for considering the option to go back

Well, if you're here trying to sort it all out, I promise you, you are NOT a match for his craziness. No one is. Even though my ex's ex-wife said she would take him back, she was miserable in their marriage. I think she was just hurt that he left her and moved on so quickly. Her head and heart are torn too, I'm sure.

You're not crazy -- but I truly believe that these types of relationships makes us think in crazy ways. Look, I broke up with my ex a week ago after practically having a nervous breakdown. I just blocked his numbers and deleted him on FB. After everything he put me thru, you'd think I'd be THRILLED to be away from it all. But I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm hurt. And I'm having a really hard time with it all. But I KNOW he isn't healthy. It's a SERIOUS mental illness. I knew I couldn't have a healthy relationship with him, so I got out.

If you really want to know what you're in for -- read some stuff on the "Staying Board." I was on there for a few weeks and it's actually one of the reasons I ended it. I didn't want my life to be like theirs. It's a choice we all have to make. Everyone's situation is different. But someone messaged me once and said "You're not financially dependent on him. You don't have kids with him. You're not even married. WHY are you sticking around for this?" And she was dead-on. I'm glad I got out. But I'm really sad too. That's the nature of a BPD Relationship. Push-pull-push-pull. We get conditioned to it and somehow it ends up feeling normal. Just try to be realistic about what you're in for if you go back.

If it wasn't good then, what has changed in HIM to make it better now?

[StillInShock]

If it wasn't good then, what has changed in HIM to make it better now?

Your words just reminded me of what I forgot... .he never changed and will never change

I will take your advice and read the other boards and listen to the voice of logic

You are very brave that you were able to take the reign of control over the sheer madness... .I hope things will get better for you over time... .   

[darkstar]

Can anyone else confirm this idea that the more you love the BP ex, the worse they treat you through their own experiences?

Yes and Yes! Before I met my first BPDgf around 8 years ago I was not emotional. I kept everything inside. I was just smiling and never sad. It brought me very bad panic and anxious attacks because I just never learned in childhood how to express my feelings in a proper way. So ya, after my first BPD experience I was a different person. Today I speak about my feelings and turned 180degree with this. For sure makes me more vulnerable because its a learning process but no anxious or panic attacks anymore since 8 years now.

BUT! My last BPDgf was absolute the wrong person to go this way further in live. She used my openness to her. More I loved her and expressed it more she mistreated me like sht. The insane thing is when I  switched back a little bit it was wrong either! She told me often "you love me too much" the funny thing is, we had a long distance relationship most of the time? How you can love someone "too much" ? I mean o.k. if I would have been a stalker and jealous, call her 20 times a day, send 200 emails per day... but no I never did... I am even not a very jealous person... it makes absolute no sense for me. We were speaking not very often, not even every day. We send some emails ... .probably 2 per week. I never asked her out about people she met 5000km away. But when we were physically together she changed! She told me non stop, she needs more compliments... I did -fault-, do this, do that... -fault- you don´t do that...


OMG its still insane for me, sometimes I wished I could be back to my old me... .I mean well, some panic attacks and anxiety's  but at least not vulnerable anymore and a psycho magnet  ?

I can say... the more I loved her and harder I tried to be a perfect "soul mate", she cared less about me... and the harder I tried to keep my boundaries and be myself and went on distance she was interested in me again... Just to bad, that a long-distance relationship until the end of my life is not what I prefer... A no-win situation. What to expect from a person, who receive her knowledge about love out of books?

[sm15000]

If it wasn't good then, what has changed in HIM to make it better now?

This is the fundamental question. . .i put an article on contrition on the board for members to read.  Basically, saying sorry, talking about change, saying the things you want to hear, tears etc etc is not an automatic route to them changing.  I constantly thought my ex would 'put it right' as a lot of this was expressed - 'he would be a better man', 'he was sorry' etc etc

Though it was not true remorse. . .it was all written in mail, text or notes - never to my face and with genuine emotion; and there was no contrition - no real actions to relieve me of the hurt he had caused and any real effort to change. 

To believe in a true change - ACTIONS must match their WORDS