To be frank I don't care one iota. She can play her games all she wants - I am indifferent.
In order to be indifferent, you've got to be indifferent.
I then gave it both barrels about how much of a btch she had been for the last 5 months. I shut her down and told her to just leave me alone and pretend we had never met. Off to the Philippines tomorrow for a week of sublime diving and underwater photography.
Indifference is the goal, but in this case you've managed fight and flight. Engage and withdraw.
Physically, your body knows no difference between the mind's determination of an ending - you are placing yourself in stress by fighting. Once you return from P.I., the truth of your "indifference" will surface when you see each other again and start the fight anew. Nothing's resolved.
Fight or flight is just another way of trying to get a person who cannot hear you to listen. It is about voicelessness and ego. Your anger, while appropriate, needs a validating listener to exhaust itself onto- leading you toward a resolution of the internal conflict. Anger does not exhaust itself if unvalidated- it merely grows and erupts in self immolating cycles of stress- and yes, it can fester and become an infectious addiction.
While it takes several attempts to work through and break free of this addictive pattern- the truth is that you may not want to stop trying. Anger is a shield one carries in an attempt to show hurt. Engaging in anger, especially in a public arena is the ego trying to preserve itself.
If you continue to give it to this person (in a public place) with "both barrels" you're only going to suffer, especially if you continue trying to be the respected party in this manner. The end result will be even more disrespect directed at you (from onlookers as well,) leading you down the path of guilt or even shame. That's not healthy self preservation and does more damage to your ego.
Letting go is an action. It is a verb. Ignoring someone is an action. Engaging them is also an action, but it demands a fight response. Ignoring this person speaks volumes and curtails your stress hormones while containing your self esteem. Anything other than ignoring a person (who has hurt you) and your action has the opposite effect on ego and self preservation.
Nothing is going to change the past. What has happened, has happened. Indifference is the letting go of the outcome of a failed attachment.
Indifference is also the outcome of losing the need for external validation. If this person has a personality disorder, stop taking it personally. There was nothing that wasn't already written in the cards. Claim that as you release yourself from guilt and let go.
