I'm thinking to contact my ex and ask him to have a child with me

[SunflowerFields]

Guys

I am struggling with a serious dilemma and I need a serious, practical advice - or someone to knock some sense into me.

My story is quite complex and for those who don't know is all in my past posts.

I have now been out of my r/s with my ex diagnosed BPD bf for a year. When we started dating, I was 33. We were supposed to get married and start a family last year. Two weeks before the breakup we were talking about what happens when we have kids and one of us moves overseas. Then the breakup happened under the most horrendous circumstances. I am now 37, will be 38 in a few months. I would like to have family, and I want to have children. I cannot see my life not having them.

In the last year, I have worked incredibly hard on myself. Got to the bottom of all my issues. My childhood. My mother. Stopped being a codependant. Started putting myself first. Created healthy boundaries. Created great friendships with very healthy people. Expelled unhealthy people from my life.

I've also dated quite a bit. With my newfound knowledge and me, it became very easy to recognize good traits in people, as well as unhealthy ones.

I have no trouble meeting people, but meeting the right person - a healthy one - with whom I can see myself forming a life, and who is on the same page as me - has been an incredible challenging piece of work.

I know I am not alone in this, as all of my single, healthy girlfriends of same age and who want the same things out of life are dealing with exactly the same problems. In our age, healthy single men are really very, very scarce. Those who are available are either scarred from their divorces, afraid to get emotionally involved for one reason or another, have other issues, don't want family/kids.

To prove to you that I know healthy now when I see it - I met a most fantastic guy a couple of months ago. He is completely healthy. Amazingly emotionally mature. Has learned his lessons hard. He is healthy, emotionally and physically, and has no issues whatsoever. He also just turned 25    I felt like crying. He actually really likes me and wants us to travel together etc, but I know that this, in reality, is going nowhere, because of our timing.

It really is tough out there.

I have been having a crazy idea to contact my ex and pretty much ask him to have a child with me. I am pretty sure that if I contacted him, he would not ignore me and would respond.

Everyone I know thinks this would be the worst mistake I could possibly make. In a way, I agree with them. At the same time, my clock is ticking. There is really no ways around that.

I would appreciate constructive thoughts and advice. I would also appreciate respecting my need to be a mother, who wants the opportunity to have children while I am still young enough to be able to play with them as they grow old. I also do not want to go to an anonymous place or whathaveyou, so please respect that as well.

This is a very personal issue for me. I have struggled for long wondering whether to post it here. So please be gentle and considerate in your replies.

[avoidatallcost]

Everyone I know thinks this would be the worst mistake I could possibly make. In a way, I agree with them. At the same time, my clock is ticking. There is really no ways around that.

I would have to agree, this would be the worst mistake you can possibly make.  Don't bring a child into this world knowing his father is a borderline.  You do realize that even if he did agree to this arrangement he would end up with shared custody?  Do you have any idea what kind of negative impact a borderline parent would have on your child, especially with you not being there?

I would recommend joining a dating site, and get out and meet lots of men who are in your own age group.  And try not to be too discriminatory, because then you might weed out some of the good ones.  But on the other hand, you definitely DO NOT want a borderline fathering your child.

[Gus926]

I am now 37, will be 38 in a few months. ... .

... .Amazingly emotionally mature. Has learned his lessons hard. He is healthy, emotionally and physically, and has no issues whatsoever. He also just turned 25.

Of course it depends on the person, but I don't know that I'd necessarily see a problem with this.  Twelve years is not a big deal, especially if he is a mature 25.

I'd also have to say that having a child with your ex would be a HUGE mistake.  You sound like you have made great strides in your recovery from the BPD r/s, and you would be throwing all that away and be getting sucked back into the abyss.  Do you really want to have to deal with him for (essentially) the rest of your life?

[Suzn]

TOOLS: When are the children of a BPD parent at risk?

TOOLS: Mindfulness for children under stress

Helping our children deal with trauma

The complex issue of alienated children

Shared Parenting 

Staying/Leaving for the kids?

I hope this will help you make your decision. If you need more there are boards here specifically for people who co-parent and coping with parents who are BPD. Im sorry you are struggling but I would hate to see you be ill informed. Take care of you 

[SunflowerFields]

I would recommend joining a dating site, and get out and meet lots of men who are in your own age group.  And try not to be too discriminatory, because then you might weed out some of the good ones.  But on the other hand, you definitely DO NOT want a borderline fathering your child.

Thanks for the ideas. Check on all those.  I have gotten involved in so many networking and social groups that my social schedule is pretty insane these days. I'm living the high life I really should have lived 10 years ago. Go figure. It can be fun, but also draining - and honestly, for me, it's now really work. I am taking this Saturday off to take a breather! Discriminatory - well - I know what I want now - emotional health/availability, willingness to take calculated risks, not being afraid of life, willingness to compromise, ability to learn from past mistakes, and there really needs to be chemisty there. Not much to ask, is it?

[SunflowerFields]

I am now 37, will be 38 in a few months. ... .

... .Amazingly emotionally mature. Has learned his lessons hard. He is healthy, emotionally and physically, and has no issues whatsoever. He also just turned 25.

Of course it depends on the person, but I don't know that I'd necessarily see a problem with this.  Twelve years is not a big deal, especially if he is a mature 25.

I'd also have to say that having a child with your ex would be a HUGE mistake.  You sound like you have made great strides in your recovery from the BPD r/s, and you would be throwing all that away and be getting sucked back into the abyss.  Do you really want to have to deal with him for (essentially) the rest of your life?

Gus, thanks for that thought. He really is the most emotionally mature person I have met in god knows how many years. My ex is double his age, and is a child compared to him. There are some other factors there, however, that make it realistically probably not too feasible. But I will keep it in mind.

And thanks for the nice words about my recovery - I really have faced all I needed to face head on, on a very fast track - probably a lot faster than it is recommended here, specifically because I knew I was dealing with a timeline. I dated a whole lot in the last year, which in the beginning triggered me tremendously when it would not work out. The only reason why I haven't gone back into my shell is because I practically forced myself not to, as I knew I had to remain on the course. Happy to report there really is a light at the end of that tunnel once you go through it. Doesn't make the reality any less rosy - it is just not easy to meet the right person out there.

[SunflowerFields]

TOOLS: When are the children of a BPD parent at risk?

TOOLS: Mindfulness for children under stress

Helping our children deal with trauma

The complex issue of alienated children

Shared Parenting 

Staying/Leaving for the kids?

I hope this will help you make your decision. If you need more there are boards here specifically for people who co-parent and coping with parents who are BPD. Im sorry you are struggling but I would hate to see you be ill informed. Take care of you 

Thanks Suzn. Will read these in detail.

The first thought that crossed my mind as I clicked in the first link was, "god, that's a lot of work and caretaking". Ironic, since now I am in position that I recognize I've been doing that for others for all my life - while really needing it myself. I now know I need to be taken care of and looked after just as much as I do that for the others. Not sure I have it in me anymore to take on the weight of the world on my shoulders.

[Suzn]

Sunflower... .If I could save one child from going through the pain of having an untreated parent with BPD it would make any and all time I spend in here well worth while. It would be a million times easier if you were to have a child on your own without any influence from a pwBPD as the other parent. Ya know Im all about the kids. And frankly, what you would have to go through would be just as painful. There are many more links about having a parent with BPD too... .please take the time to read them all.

[SunflowerFields]

Sunflower... .If I could save one child from going through the pain of having an untreated parent with BPD it would make any and all time I spend in here well worth while. It would be a million times easier if you were to have a child on your own without any influence from a pwBPD as the other parent. Ya know Im all about the kids. And frankly, what you would have to go through would be just as painful. There are many more links about having a parent with BPD too... .please take the time to read them all.

I know this is very personal to you and I appreciate your taking the time to help me through this mental mess.

I know it is about doing the best for the children. It is very challenging when that clashes with your own very personal need to have them. I can save my future child from having a BPD father, but that also risks me not having them at all. Selfish motivator, admittedly, but one nonetheless. We were all in these relationships because they filled our need too - we were just too proud or unaware to admit it.

Having one on my own is not my ideal and certainly not what I want. I really want a family. I want the unity. I want and need support. I also work for in a corporate environment and having one as a single mother would really not reflect good on me. Not that anyone could say anything about it - but the reality is different. So many factors go into this. I just wish I went through this BPD hell 10 years ago to leave me with enough time to look for the right person at leisure and not have to entertain these thoughts.

[Sir5r]

You shouldn't feel rushed to have children. If you think your getting too old there are options.

www.fertility-docs.com/egg_freezing.phtml

I know someone that just had her first child  - She's 53!

Sir5r

[SunflowerFields]

You shouldn't feel rushed to have children. If you think your getting too old there are options.

www.fertility-docs.com/egg_freezing.phtml

I know someone that just had her first child  - She's 53!

Sir5r

Sir - thanks for the thoughts. Since you are a regular on the Staying board and I presume you know all the tools and lessons, you should know by know you can't tell someone how to feel  I feel what I feel. And will continue feeling what I feel. Unlike BPDs, I feel that for good, sound, logic reasons. One, freezing eggs is a complex procedure for women - it is not as simple as jerking off in a cup for men. Two, like I said, I want to have a child in a normal time to be able to be a good mother to them and play with them. It is not fair to the children to have them so late (for mothers). I think the person you know who had her child at 53 should frankly be jailed.

[backontop]

Don't become hopeless and make a HUGE mistake, visit the Children of Borderlines and Raising a Child board before you consider it further.  I am 42, and also out in the dating world.  It IS a jungle, and very discouraging in our age range, a month ago I was just as discouraged as you!  I have met a fantastic guy now, and trust me... .it happens when you least expect it.   I DO NOT REGRET not having a child ( I did become pregnant while in my BPD r/s) with my BPD- my life (and the child's) would have been devastated by his disorder.  You will find someone to have the things you desire- but not with him.  Just my .02.

[BlushAndBashful]

SFF- I guess I would have to echo what the others have stated about you asking the pwBPD to father a child- if you were asking me, I would say, oh for the love of all things holy, DON'T DO IT.

I've typed my response a number of times, and end up deleting it.

In some ways, I can't relate, because I do have 3 teenagers from a prior r/s. However, I am getting older (I'm 41), and my BPDex and I had two bad pregnancy experiences (1 child lost at birth, 1 miscarriage last year-- his due date was a couple of weeks ago). I can relate to time slipping away and the yearning. I know my own chances of having another child are slim to none.

However, the reason I would strongly encourage you to follow your dreams, but with another donor, is this. You know your pwBPD better than anyone. Mine is/would have been a phenomenal father. But he's sucky at r/s and communication, and let's not forget the Jekyll/Hyde and black/white thinking, emotional abuse, mind games, etc.

Take a look over on the divorce page. It's ugly. It's horrible and brutal. My first divorce (not my pwBPD) was a cakewalk. It cost me $1000 and that involved children. I've heard other divorce horror stories but not at the frequency nor magnitude of those on that board. People are financially drained, not to mention emotionally and mentally kicked in the gut. Every little thing has to go to court. Guardians ad litem. Custody evaluations. Lies, mind games, lying under oath. Lawyers get involved for what specific time little Timmy and Annie are allowed to have cell phones, pwBPD has a string of lovers at their houses, you name it.

If you conceive, this is the person that you will need to be able to work with and be civil to for the next 18+ years. At least. Actually, forever.

So YES, you deserve to be a mother. Yes, I will support you whatever your choice is. Yes, I empathize with your reluctance to do things the non-traditional way and I totally respect that. But it is just my humble opinion that you should probably try something- ANYTHING- rather than get it thru your ex. New guy in your life, sperm bank, a friend who would be willing to provide "services", whatever. I want you to be happy! I don't want you to be suffering for decades because of genetics.

[Sir5r]

You shouldn't feel rushed to have children. If you think your getting too old there are options.

www.fertility-docs.com/egg_freezing.phtml

I know someone that just had her first child  - She's 53!


Sir5r

Sir - thanks for the thoughts. Since you are a regular on the Staying board and I presume you know all the tools and lessons, you should know by know you can't tell someone how to feel  I feel what I feel. And will continue feeling what I feel. Unlike BPDs, I feel that for good, sound, logic reasons. One, freezing eggs is a complex procedure for women - it is not as simple as jerking off in a cup for men. Two, like I said, I want to have a child in a normal time to be able to be a good mother to them and play with them. It is not fair to the children to have them so late (for mothers). I think the person you know who had her child at 53 should frankly be jailed.

I agree with you 53 is way to old, I didn't mean to tell you how to feel!

Be a mom if you want but not with an ex that's a BPD.

Find an anonymous donor at a fertility clinic.

The child will be yours alone

Sir5r

[2010]

Sunflower, I hope you don't mind, but I took a look back at some of your posts and have a few questions.

I know that this man was married when you first started seeing him. He has children from his first marriage, as well as children from his second marriage. He’s a self confessed alcoholic. He is also diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. He has some sort of sex business that appears to worry you that if his employer found out he could lose his career. You claim he is also a pathological liar. This brings up a few questions:

How will you know for sure if he’s actually divorced his 2nd Wife? Will you ask to see his divorce paperwork or will you take his word for it?

If your child is to be born out of wedlock, will you share legal custody with him?

If you share custody, how will you feel about giving your child to him knowing that he works part time at a business that deals with sexual compulsions?

If you do not share custody, will your child feel excluded from his/her Father? How about half-siblings?

Will the children from the first and second marriages even be aware that they have a half-sibling? How will you introduce yourself?

How will your child feel about his children having three different Mothers but your child being the only one out of wedlock?

If you decide on joint custody, and he remarries someone else or is seeing someone else while you are pregnant, how will you feel about the new spouse/partner sharing the upbringing/custody of your baby?

He’s a self confessed alcoholic. He is also diagnosed bi-polar. Do these genetic components worry you?

[MaybeSo]

I understand the desire for having children with someone, but choosing to have children with a man you know is mentally disordered is very very risky.  I suppose if he were merly a donor and signed off all legal rights... .but even then, as the father, he could still cause trouble. If he wanted to participate, I think you would be asking for years and years of heartache. There is nothing worse then seeing your own children suffer, nothing. Its so critically important to pick someone reasonably healthy to have children with. Unless he has a great track record in this arena... .which would be surprising if he has BPD. It sounds like your ex has children from previous r/s. What do you know of his track record in this department, was he a good father? Does he have good relations with his kids and their moms? Are his kids doing well?

[Clearmind]

Sunflowerfields, I get you - the wanting a baby part! This fact ruled my head for a long time and I made bad decisions trying to fulfil my need ~ including dating men who threw themselves at me/idealised! I emotionally felt it was my ticket to motherhood  .

I found myself suddenly single, 38 and childless. I have a few BPD relationships clocked up.

In the midst of therapy I also realized my father is most likely BPD and I would not classify my childhood as fun!

My ex and I separated and having a child with him was on the cards – regardless whether we were together or not. As time went on, I made a commitment to myself that I no longer wanted dysfunction (my father gave me plenty) and cut him out of my life completely.  We were a dysfunctional match made in heaven! I could not handle him just ‘dropping’ by, just saying hello if we were in the same venue ~ having him be a part of my life at all.  With a child – I would have been tied to him - if not physically, emotionally and mentally. I even thought of not putting him on the birth certificate and then realized how well that boundary would have been upheld. I would have been setting boundaries for the rest of my life, with him around and my focus wants to be on the child!

So then came the baby issue! I always felt that I didn’t want children after 40, also now realize that ‘falling in love’ takes more than 2 weeks let alone making a decision on who would be the father of my child.

So, I am doing it solo now! In the healthiest possible way, I made a decision to go through ‘responsible conception’ – a clinic. I am so happy with my decision. A man for me will happen, a child for me is happening. The two just didn’t happen at the same time and I cannot force that fact. I do know myself well – warts and all and I am not ready to date and I also don't want to be childless.

I did not make this decision lightly and of course worked with my T to plan out logistics – work, money, health, support network etc. My child knows they are wanted and loved because my choice was a well thought out one.

Your choice is your choice – how you go about it is your choice! Yes I am fearful, yes I feel overwhelmed sometimes, yes I am more than comfortable with my decision.

[Easydoesitnow]

 I feel almost irresponsible giving you my honest view here but here goes... .

I have a mother with BPD/ NPD.  It was awful growing up with her and we are now NC.

I had a miscarriage last year to my UBPDxbf.  Everyone told me it was for the best. I have other children.  I would have loved that baby and I still feel sad when I think about it.

My xbf however, was horrible about it, saying he would have left me if I had not miscarried... .

If my xbf had wanted a child I would probably have gone ahead with it knowing the difficulties.  I am usually sensible and level headed.

I guess I am trying to say I understand... .

[nona]

Have a look at the genetics.

And then have a look at the parents of BPD posts.

Dont go there mama

Its scary hell as a mum for me.

[Steph]

 Ya know, I would not do it. He would be tied to you AND the child for always.

Instead, consider artificial insemination or adoption, both viable alternatives for a single mom.

Dont get hooked into the idea of him just getting you pregnant and walking away... .it wont work nicely. Not to mention your own emotions and feelings that will kick into high gear when you guys are having ( the best sex ever).

This sounds like a way for you to quickly undo the progress you have made, AND bring a child into the mess.

My guess is that you are about to turn a healthy corner, so hang on... dont contact him... and see what happens next.

As previously mentioned, there are ways for you to have a child, and without adding the hornets next of BPD into the mix.


Steph

 

[tuum est61]

Having one on my own is not my ideal and certainly not what I want. I really want a family. I want the unity. I want and need support. I also work for in a corporate environment and having one as a single mother would really not reflect good on me. Not that anyone could say anything about it - but the reality is different. So many factors go into this. I just wish I went through this BPD hell 10 years ago to leave me with enough time to look for the right person at leisure and not have to entertain these thoughts.

SunflowerFields,  

I am with all those here that have advised against your proposal.  I have emphasized your own words in the quote above, and now ask you to explain to us where the "family, unity, and support" would come from if you went through with having a child with your ex.

You know it will not come from him.  

[dah1029]

you'd be better off visiting a fertility clinic and using a  sperm donor.  At least the father wouldn't be involved with the kid.  You don't need the craziness for the rest of your life.  Or is this just an excuse to get re-involved with the ex?  You need to look at your motives. 

[pallavirajsinghani]

Sunflower Fields:

I am a Corporate America graduate.  I can tell you categorically that a single mother adopting a child has very positive reverberations.  A single mother bearing a child out of wedlock has different vibes altogether.  It is not a matter of right or wrong, it is a matter of "what is".

Do you want to be a mother or do you want "HIS" child?

Do you want this child to have a reason to stay engaged with him for the rest of your life?

Please watch a few Maury Pauvich and Jerrry Springer shows... .scary they are... .and very reflective of what happens when serious decisions are taken based on impulsive thoughts.

You as an adult may be able to handle having him in your life... .is it fair to subject a defenseless child to his disorder/personality/lying/addiction?  I would think that as a mother, your protective instinct would guide you to keep him away from yourself and your child.

Please do consider adoption or sperm donation.  We have two wonderful adopted children and I know of many many women who have adopted children as single parents.

God bless.

[Auspicious]

I have now been out of my r/s with my ex diagnosed BPD bf for a year.

In the last year, I have worked incredibly hard on myself. Got to the bottom of all my issues. My childhood. My mother. Stopped being a codependant. Started putting myself first. Created healthy boundaries. Created great friendships with very healthy people. Expelled unhealthy people from my life.

I've also dated quite a bit.

A busy year.

Have you learned how to be happy and content, in yourself?  In a year full of lots of dating?

Are you taking into consideration the effect of your actions on others?

- On exBPD - will this contact and idea be painful for him?

- On future children (tying them to a BPD father)?


Have you been in any therapy, to examine your own role in things?

[SunflowerFields]

I am not sure why this was moved to the Staying board.

I posted this on a Leaving board for a very good reason. I do NOT intend to get back with my ex because he is not in treatment, and I am under NO illusions I want to be in a relationship with a BPD partner who is not in treatment. I am now no longer codependent.

I have been heavily thinking of many things involved

Moderators - please move this to the Leaving board. Thank you.

[Grey Kitty]

My gut feeling is that this would be a really bad idea, and you have heard that by many others. Just the same, I've got a couple clarifying questions for you:

Do you just want a child? (You said this already.)

Do you want a child fathered by your ex?

Do you want to raise a child with your ex?

Because if you don't want EITHER of those other two, the first one can be accomplished in many other ways... .and most of them seem like better options.

[Rhymes w/Orange]

Please don't do it. You will enjoy being a mother- but SO much more so if the father isn't BPD and you spend all your life in a r/s with him through that child, and then also spend all your life wondering about the presence of problems in the child.

I think this isn't about the BPD "dad" so much as it is about you giving up on meeting someone else. Don't give up. You might not be looking in the right places. Start thinking differently about where to look or how to identify the right people.  I don't have experience with this, but I'm sure there are others here who do- ask them for advice.

I know the clock is ticking but don't let the pressure get to you- keep looking. 

[jojospal]

It is the genetics thing that says it straight out. NO!

Even if he didn't participate in the child's life, you might find yourself at the age of 55 dealing with a teen aged son or daughter with this illness. You have a choice to not have to deal with BPD for the second half of your life. Listen to your real life friends and your bpdfamily.com supporters here.

I know someone who had a child at age 50. I can't see any problem with it, in fact, everything turned out great for the child. He is 22 years old now.

[dah1029]

Jojospal--  I was thinking the same thing.  Who really knows what causes BPD?  What if it's genetic?  And now you're stuck with a BPD child tormenting your life...   You can't break up with a child due to BPD.  It's yours forever.  I'd rather use a sperm donor.  At least their physical and mental history have been thoroughly investigated.  You need to look at your motives behind wanting to have the ex's child.  And be honest with reflecting on your motives.

[WillThisGetBetter]

BPD can also be genetic... .did you think of this?  Maybe you have, I haven't read all these posts, but you would end up possibly with a BPD teenager one day.  Holy mother.  Let's just forget her/his BPD dad will come to pick him up every second weekend and for Wednesday night dinner.  I'm laughing because you know, that's just not what's going to happen.  It will be much, much, much worse.  You may find yourself really too old to have children... .say when that child is 10 or 12 and the father has taken that child away from you and you might never see him/her again.  Read some of the posts on this site in the divorce/custody section.  This is what you could be facing.

You know, I'm not sure you're really done with recovery   Sorry, but that sounds like a plan to wreck your life and the life of a child not even born yet.