What if I'm Wrong?

[jessicapuppy]

I assume that what I am experiencing is part of the healing process, but I have a question that keeps popping up... .

What if I'm wrong about my undiagnosed NPD & BPD ex-partner.  Both he and I think that he has these conditions, and he's done online tests that suggest that this is the case, but... .

If there's actually nothing wrong with him, then that would open up a huge other can of worms, as to his reasons for treating me as he has done!

Surely I mustn't be the only person who ever has thoughts like this?

Thanks

JP

?

[WalrusGumboot]

JP, we all have been there, so no worries. The fact is that you were in a toxic relationship and the dynamics between you two were unhealthy. Have you ever had a healthy romantic relationship? Has your ex?

[jessicapuppy]

JP, we all have been there, so no worries. The fact is that you were in a toxic relationship and the dynamics between you two were unhealthy. Have you ever had a healthy romantic relationship? Has your ex?

Hi there

It's really good to understand I'm not the only one with such thoughts.  It does worry me.

I was in a very healthy relationship before my relationship with my exBPD/NPD partner.  He has never had a relationship before me.  Not a proper one, anyway.

JP

x

[WalrusGumboot]

I was in a very healthy relationship before my relationship with my exBPD/NPD partner. 

This shows that you are capable of it. I was in healthy relationships too, in between attracting PDs into my life.  ;p

Your feeling of failing and inadequacy in your failed relationship with your ex shows the lasting effects of their blaming and gaslighting. We all go through this as well. I wish you a speedy recovery.   

[hithere]

There are nine diagnostic symptoms, they need 5 to be officially diagnosed.

So I would say if you are sure he has 5 of these symptoms it is safe to say he has BPD.

I mean even if he doesn't by some other diagnoses criteria but shows so many symptoms it is safe to say he has serious issues that will result in you being miserable in the relationship.

[2010]

Surely I mustn't be the only person who ever has thoughts like this?

This is normal in the process of detaching. It's called bargaining. Bargaining comes with magical thinking and malignant optimism. Compartmentalizations include: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and eventually, acceptance of the disorder. However, these are never done in order- they swirl about in stages and some people get stuck. Acceptance comes when you realize that there isn't anything that you can do personally to change the outcome. It just is. That's when you learn about letting go and trust that everything will turn out OK if you do. 

[wrangler1217]

My exBPDgf is undiagnosed as well.  From what I understand, some therapists will completely avoid "labeling" patients bc it automatically creates a certain stigma.  Also, I've heard/read about some therapists denying that a patient has BPD if the patient comes to the therapists themselves and says they think they have BPD... .being that BPD is one of the least likely PD for someone to come to grips on.  I'm not a psychologist, but I completely disagree with this approach, mainly because of the vast amounts of different personality traits that BPD can act in congruency with.  IE, high functioning vs low functioning; cutter vs non-cutter; narcissist vs hermit... .etc... .

[jessicapuppy]

This is normal in the process of detaching. It's called bargaining. Bargaining comes with magical thinking and malignant optimism. Compartmentalizations include: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and eventually, acceptance of the disorder. However, these are never done in order- they swirl about in stages and some people get stuck. Acceptance comes when you realize that there isn't anything that you can do personally to change the outcome. It just is. That's when you learn about letting go and trust that everything will turn out OK if you do. 

Thank you everyone  

The swirling around of stages makes sense to me.  I generally feel acceptance of things, but then suddenly this question pops up into my head.

[jessicapuppy]

My exBPDgf is undiagnosed as well.  From what I understand, some therapists will completely avoid "labeling" patients bc it automatically creates a certain stigma.  Also, I've heard/read about some therapists denying that a patient has BPD if the patient comes to the therapists themselves and says they think they have BPD... .being that BPD is one of the least likely PD for someone to come to grips on.  I'm not a psychologist, but I completely disagree with this approach, mainly because of the vast amounts of different personality traits that BPD can act in congruency with.  IE, high functioning vs low functioning; cutter vs non-cutter; narcissist vs hermit... .etc... .

Yes, my ex was very aware that he probably had NPD, BPD and also possibly Bipolar

[sm15000]

In the process i have thought this too but whether PD or no PD (but i'm pretty sure there is one) his behaviour was causing me great pain that he had no regard for and that wasn't acceptable

Yes, my ex was very aware that he probably had NPD, BPD and also possibly Bipolar

How did he come about and feel about realising this?  :)id he do anything about it?

[jessicapuppy]

In the process i have thought this too but whether PD or no PD (but i'm pretty sure there is one) his behaviour was causing me great pain that he had no regard for and that wasn't acceptable

Yes, my ex was very aware that he probably had NPD, BPD and also possibly Bipolar

How did he come about and feel about realising this?  :)id he do anything about it?

It's a bit weird actually.  He 'joked' with me on several occasions during the relationship, that 'X' behaviour was his 'Narcissistic side' coming through.  I think he clearly knew something was amiss, but I didn't think for one minute he was serious.

After we split I experienced some extreme and bizarre behaviour from him, and he also told me he was in depression, which led to further research on my part.

When I discovered personality disorders and explored them further, they seemed to explain not only that recent behaviour, but that of during whole relationship.  I then emailed my findings to him, and he agreed.

I don't know if he's done anything about it, as I am now NC.  When I last spoke with him, he had been to the doctor with depression, and had a referral to a counsellor, which he hadn't followed up.

[truly amazed]

Wrong ?

Yes barganing as someone said.

My own conclusion to this was what did you deserve ?

Did you deserve the abuse ? Physical or mental ? Gaslighting , projections ... .betrayl ... .all the rest of the kitbag ?

I found this article enlightening ... .

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm

The score I got with my BPD partner was so low it was insane that I stuck around  :'(  Not really but do understand the why ... .BPD mother ... .so it was familiar the abuse along with white knight ... .

We all deserve to be loved ! And treated with kindness ... .compassion and all the good things with little if any of the other crap.

Read the article ... .do the test and then ask yourself the same questions.

Oh and be kind to yourself 

Take care

[tamerlamb]

Did you read "The Path Forward" by Lisa Scott?  I too struggle with the "what ifs"... .but I have the luxury of my councelor confirming my beliefs that my husband has NPD rather than BPD (I myself have some BPD tendancies although I am not technically BPD... .probably from dealing wtih NPD for so long and having my own childhood issues).  There is also a great article here.  Check it out.  Let me know if it helps put anything into perspective for you.

  www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/the-attraction-cocktail

[jessicapuppy]

Did you read "The Path Forward" by Lisa Scott?  I too struggle with the "what ifs"... .but I have the luxury of my councelor confirming my beliefs that my husband has NPD rather than BPD (I myself have some BPD tendancies although I am not technically BPD... .probably from dealing wtih NPD for so long and having my own childhood issues).  There is also a great article here.  Check it out.  Let me know if it helps put anything into perspective for you.

  www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/the-attraction-cocktail

Thank you very much.  I will have a read through that

[jessicapuppy]

Wrong ?

Yes barganing as someone said.

My own conclusion to this was what did you deserve ?

Did you deserve the abuse ? Physical or mental ? Gaslighting , projections ... .betrayl ... .all the rest of the kitbag ?

I found this article enlightening ... .

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm

The score I got with my BPD partner was so low it was insane that I stuck around  :'(  Not really but do understand the why ... .BPD mother ... .so it was familiar the abuse along with white knight ... .

We all deserve to be loved ! And treated with kindness ... .compassion and all the good things with little if any of the other crap.

Read the article ... .do the test and then ask yourself the same questions.

Oh and be kind to yourself  

Take care

Erm, I got between 5-6 out of 12 as 'Yes' for the 1st set of questions.  I only had 1 Yes to the second set.

And no... .I know I didn't deserve that behaviour, but then it was apparently due to mental illness, to deliberate malice.

JP

x

[breathelife]

Jp, I am going through that now.  I wonder if the therapy will

help.  I know I didn't deserve being treated like I was but the good times were so amazing.  How do I keep this nc?  How long ago did you break up and how long did you date for?

[jessicapuppy]

Jp, I am going through that now.  I wonder if the therapy will

help.  I know I didn't deserve being treated like I was but the good times were so amazing.  How do I keep this nc?  How long ago did you break up and how long did you date for?

Hi there Yogatrance

I was with him 3.5 years, and broke up gradually with him from Xmas time.  It was more final about 3 weeks after Xmas.

No Contact has been difficult for work reasons, but I've managed to limit it to once a week for the last few weeks.  When we have had contact, it's been work related only.

JP

x

[truly amazed]

Hi,

Well if I was honest I scored 3 ... .my part and effort was a lot higher but hers when looked at clinically sadly was very low.

These are basic concepts for a RS and not getting close to 12 is franly not good enuf ... .let alone the real score of 3 I managed. Was a wake up for me at least.

Good luck

[jessicapuppy]

Hi,

Well if I was honest I scored 3 ... .my part and effort was a lot higher but hers when looked at clinically sadly was very low.

These are basic concepts for a RS and not getting close to 12 is franly not good enuf ... .let alone the real score of 3 I managed. Was a wake up for me at least.

Good luck

I do believe he tried very hard, but I carried a large part of the emotional stability of the relationship.  Had I matched him, I think things would have disintegrated much faster.

[jessicapuppy]

Well, today he's contacted me by email, asking me how I was, and saying he hoped one day I could stop hating him.  I didn't reply to that.