Excuses- what a BPD will tell you when they have replaced you

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone,

Let me share some things my xBPD gf said to me after she kicked me out in a rage. I found out slowly but immediately that she had started an emaotional (maybe physical) r/s with a new guy she remet when we were still together... I caught her in a lie as i saw from FB that they were quite intimate in their exchanges... .These are some of the things she said & did-sound familiar to anyone?

- Defriended me immediately on FB (and blocked me) straight after i got booted from her house

- Said "I could make up any story i wanted to make myself feel better" when I challenged her that she was on with another guy (long distance r/s i may add)

- Said to me "We were in a bad space together for some time" presumably to validate why she replaced me

- Said " I never cheated on you with another man and I never lied"

- Got extremely enraged when i said to her " you cheated on your first husband, and now you have done it again" -she rang 10-15 times a day and left some nice txts!

- Sent me a txt saying "you are so full of BS, its laughable" after i told her her character was so low and that she is a Liar & Cheat.

Any similarities out there?

Cheers, Rooftop

[rooftop]

Hi everyone,

Let me share some things my xBPD gf said to me after she kicked me out in a rage. I found out slowly but immediately that she had started an emaotional (maybe physical) r/s with a new guy she remet when we were still together... I caught her in a lie as i saw from FB that they were quite intimate in their exchanges... .These are some of the things she said & did-sound familiar to anyone?

- Defriended me immediately on FB (and blocked me) straight after i got booted from her house

- Said "I could make up any story i wanted to make myself feel better" when I challenged her that she was on with another guy (long distance r/s i may add)

- Said to me "We were in a bad space together for some time" presumably to validate why she replaced me

- Said " I never cheated on you with another man and I never lied"

- Got extremely enraged when i said to her " you cheated on your first husband, and now you have done it again" -she rang 10-15 times a day and left some nice txts!

- Sent me a txt saying "you are so full of BS, its laughable" after i told her her character was so low and that she is a Liar & Cheat.

Any similarities out there?

Cheers, Rooftop

[kimbers43]

All i can suggest is try and put yourself in her position. Have you ever done something wrong in your life that you don't like talking about? Then have someone who knows about this ask you question after question and make them feel bad about it over and over. Add to that the fact they can't discuss it in any adult way and you have your answer. It might make you feel better getting some answers but as i have found out myself they are not the ones that we want. The main and only one is WHY which will never be fully explained and you will get several versions of it until you stop asking the question and move on.

[rooftop]

Kimbers- fair assessment but when you aren't aware she is BPD at that time, it is fair and reasonable to ask questions when you know what is happening.

I fully understand now and don't need answers as I am moving on... its 8 days NC and I feel so much stronger for it.

Maybe she got the message when I sent her a letter telling her my apin and not to ever contact me.

[kimbers43]

It's only advice from my view point and i have gone through the pain you are feeling. I have tried to be logical and reasonable but those rules don't apply in these circumstances. My ex is with someone she told me she finds unattractive and horrible in everyway 12 months ago but now is going out with him. How many questions do you think that has given me

When did it start? How did her feelings change? the list goes on and on. The only thing i do know the answer to is she is with him and thats all i need to know.

Keep posting your thoughts and reading the posts, they have made me understand things more and more.

[rooftop]

Hey kimbers- hang in there, its brutal what they can do but our strength is not to give them anymore power over us. A great life is waiting :-)

[Applehead]

Rooftop, I've been there several times and one finally admitted that she cheated bc the evidence was over whelming and bc of a good friend of mine that witnessed it or she wouldn't of and another still to this day hasn't admitted it but both were in the mid to late 90's before I ever hears about BPD.  I've had a pattern since High School, I would tell my friends that I would meet that hottest coolest women for about 90 days that loved sex and then would turn evil. Lol!  I was dead on analyzing the symptoms of these vampires even back then.  I just found out what BPD was like 2.5 years ago.  It would of been valuable info about 25 years ago.  The answers your gf said were almost dead on to the answers I received!  I use to feel like I was losing my mind back then! Lol!  

[1brokenwing]

"I didn't get with her until we were done". A lie but in his twisted mind it was true.  After all, it was at LEAST 3 days after we broke up before he slept with her! Jeezuz.

I don't get that you need "answers" as Limbers says. I get that you are looking for validation that others have experienced BPD insanity. Yes, Rooftop, she is the sick one (granted, we have our own brand of unwell) and you are not alone. Also, it is a process no matter what, we move through these stages and yes, one day we gain full acceptance and move on in a big way.  Meanwhile we are where we are and it is what it is. 

[Beenreplaced]

I also did not know about BPD until after the break up.  Mine also blocked me from FB and blocked my kids from his FB account too.  My kids are in college. They would never look at his page.  He sent me 66 text messages in 30 minutes telling me all that I had done to ruin the relationship.  Told me he was over me and will have love for me less than 30 days after we broke up.  Asked him if he found someone else and told me that he had thought long and hard about us before he went out and met someone else.  This was less than 3 weeks after our break up.  I asked if he was seeing her behind my back when we were together and there was no answer. It was really crazy.  He told me that I deserved it because I didn't come to him when he lived in Wilton.  He lived in Wilton 3 years ago.  I can't even remember what he was talking about.  I sent him a long email explaining how I felt about everything that happened.  It was 2 pages long. I was pouring my heart out and his response to me "I can't stand you when you drink".  What?  It was the craziest thing ever to experience.  I tried talking to him 6 weeks later and he was still raging at me.  He could not get control of himself.

[rooftop]

Thanks 1brokenwing- well said and you are right... I do need validation as it is always "how can she do this to me"... Well, she is sick, thats why and she aint gonna change... To the guy she hooked up, good luck buddy and you have done me a favor dude...

My world will be better as soon as my head can clear the fog and I let go of the WHY.

R

[bpdlover]

Since being with my ex and experiencing a whole new level of depravity, I always spare a thought for the next to be suckered in. I could not even begin to get my head around what may have been happening since I was replaced two years ago. Haven't heard a whisper and am pro NC. My ex told me proudly that her ex husband had no idea she was talking to guys behind his back. A real trust builder considering she was telling her current boyfriend. She would confess things totally out of context, waiting for a lighter moment then dropping either hints or blurting it out, knowing she would not have to take responsibility for it. She only friended me for about three days on facebook during an eighteen month relationship. She set us up to look like I was using her so that her parents and friends would come running out of sympathy. Then, during the final conversation told me she should have broken up a long time ago. And I thought this girl loved me? I always had a feeling that something was cooking behind my back. Sometimes, she would simply bail and tell me she wasn't looking for a relationship. It was surreal. Especially since she would spend the day before talking about moving in together. There were also plenty of attacks for lack of respect/tone of voice and I would in all honesty, not be able to find what I did wrong. BPD's play with your head and they believe it's real. The first time she attempted to replace me she told me that conversations with a guy she recently met had gone from bad to worse. I didn't understand and asked what she meant. She said that he invited her out and that she accepted. Next thing, she was finding fault with everything I did and the phone was engaged all the time. In hindsight I wish I had just walked away. I chose to fight for her and she was pregnant a few weeks later. We lasted another year after that. I would not wish her on my worst enemy.

[WTBHA]

It amazes me to read on here about what others have gone through and that more times than not my ex did and said the same things! It's also good to know I'm not alone and the way this woman has made me feel is fairly consistent with how others who were in a similar situation now feel! Re assures me that it wasn't me even though I was made to feel it was!

[Kminery]

Caught her on a lie too, she was seeing a guy and I found out (we were LDR).

When I confronted her she kept denying it, two days later she said she didn't wanna tell me for me to "not make movies in my head" but that he's a friend and he wanted to discuss something (in a nightclub till 3 am, ya)

Then I asked her to stop contacting him, which she did for about 10 days then I fund out again and I asked her to f off.

She was like "I think thats the best cause I know you love me and you care about me, and I care about you" I was like aww you don't love me? She replies I don't wanna use that word so often it will degrade its meaning hahaha that girl wanted to marry me 2 weeks earlier )

Sometimes they're too hilarious it doesn't hurt anymore...

[tailspin]

... .I was bored (my control issues are huge)

... .my mom doesn't like you (I triangulated you and my mother)

... .your dogs act like they don't know me (I don't know me)

... .I don't want a relationship (with myself)

Unfortunately these excuses are a result of their own shame and have nothing whatsoever to do with you.  We have a chance to write our own ending:  "you left me before I could leave you and I don't really care just as long as you are out of my life forever."

[Beach_Babe]

"Who are you?" 

[gina louise]

Here's what I heard when my UBPDbf forced me away- and my translations/notes

I am not sure how I feel- (probably the truest statement)

NOT sure I want a R/S right now (Trans: I need more than ONE R/S to keep my head  above water)

NO there's never been anyone else!  ( Trans: never just ONE, anyways... .)

Your job is too far away. (note: I did the driving and paid for the gas... .)

Your kids live 2 hours away-   (note: they are all grown up and that's MY problem, not ours or yours)

You are not done with your ex    ( Note: he's remarried already, what else could be more *done*?)

I feel it's against my spiritual principles to live together - not sure I want to be married.

If it's not my IDEAL LOVE then it's NOT love.  ( Trans: you are too real for my fantasy world)

I need to be alone... .( Trans: so I can date freely and not feel all this messy guilt)

You are not really what I wanted... .(Trans: you need to bring way more $$$ to the table if you want to stay)


Well, sadly I am only learning now  about BPD and the consequences... .and we are married one year already.

BUT it's never too late for me to decide what I really need, and if my needs are met in this R/S.

that's where I am now,

Gina

[findingmyselfagain]

For a BPD break-up, mine was pretty normal, but she was living with her parents, so likely that they "held her hand" through the process... .

The official break-up in a nutshell "I don't need the pressure of a relationship while I'm working on myself. I can't put a time on it." But... ."If it does work out, we can get married at the courthouse... .If you want to date other people, I understand, but I can't (date)... .In 2 months we'll hang out, go see a movie (although she couldn't put a time on it)"... .

Last actual conversation via yahoo chat:

"I'm EXTREMELY INSECURE. I misbehaved and acted extra pouty to get what I wanted which isn't very cool of me."

"One of the most frustrating things is that you don't get me! You like people, are content with your lot in life, and don't care what other people think."

Much later:

"As much as we may have cared (may?) about each other, our personalities are TOTALLY different!"

When I asked... .What do you mean?

"Basically I need someone stronger to rein me in, because I'm really way out there sometimes." (Though I didn't give in to anything that seemed unreasonable/out of the family budget?... .seemed like a way to more or less excuse her misbehaving (though she seems to know what she was doing."

I'd say it's quite possible it's about as honest as a borderline could be, possibly. But of course it makes no sense based on comments made during the relationship... ."I love doing stuff with you. We talk about everything. You're the only one I hang out with who makes my face hurt b/c I smile so much... ." And if things were SO frustrating, why not tell me about it DURING the relationship? It was very frustrating at one time, but now it's more or less just a fact that I chose to be with an unhealthy individual, and of, course it ended in an unhealthy way. Within 3 weeks she hung out with the "new guy" at least once, and they we're exchanging I love you's within at most 2 months... .this just a few months after planning a life for me, her, and her daughter. Oh well, on to healthy love!

[Pretty Woman]

Rooftop, your ex and mine sound like the same person.

She said ALL of those things to me. All of them!

[Nagash]

The original post in here may as well have been written by me. Was very familiar. In October of 2019 she told me a friend told her he wasn't married anymore and then said his wife had died that month. We both thought it was a strange way to announce it. To me it sounded like he was announcing he was single.

By December we went through our cycle of me retreating from her, needing to breathe, unable to process things, fearful etc. It ended things. By April she was seeing him. May I saw her and she told me she was seeing someone. Didn't like him like that etc. All this time 4 years We shared a fb group page with just us in it. She would use me as a punching bag as he was a cheat and verbally and potentially physically violent. His friend group was hers when younger and they'd swap gfs and cheat etc. She seemed to like lowering herself into that energy with people that don't like her etc and then yell at me as if it was my fault.

She is still fb friends with my mum and sister and at one point unblocked me but then yelled at me again when he wanted her back then blocked me.  I removed her from the group we shared when she refused to leave. Would not tell me why she wouldn't but why wouldn't I. I was not the one who left and started a new relationship. She had her normal account and a fake one she use to talk to me.

Over the last few days she's unblocked me with her fake account and then at 3am posted about boundaries and leaving toxic people behind. The post was written by a friend of mine who runs a business relating to relationships. Then she posts in a group she runs related to a favourite artist that she knows I follow. She has not posted in that page for 3 years. I don't understand the attempt at gaining my attention when she's back again with this man. We had a lot in common many shared interests.

[jaded7]

What we see here in all these responses is the classic gaslighting and deflection, DARVO, minimization, diversion.

These behaviors are all very well documented to be a part of personality-disordered relationships, and all of us end up getting very confused, bewildered even, at them because they don't address what we said/pointed out, they rewrite history in a way that is hard even comprehend they might believe it, fail to take accountability for their words behaviors, ignore the positive or good things we might have done, project their own thoughts and words and actions onto us, and more.

I have found that these things are the most difficult to get through, because they make no sense. They contradict reality, and we can spend a long time trying to make them make sense. They won't.

We would do well to really understand that they are defense mechanisms, coming from a place of guilt or shame usually, and the NEED to protect the self from them. That has helped me a lot........really understanding what defense mechanisms are and how they work.

If you don't fall into automatic, severe defense mechanisms yourself, then it will be hard to understand these.

[tina7868]

We would do well to really understand that they are defense mechanisms, coming from a place of guilt or shame usually, and the NEED to protect the self from them. That has helped me a lot........really understanding what defense mechanisms are and how they work.

If you don't fall into automatic, severe defense mechanisms yourself, then it will be hard to understand these.

Thanks for bringing up this important point, Jaded.

In my experience, it was hard for me to mull over certain things my ex had said to me the last time we were together. I took them to heart, at face value. In order to challenge my own feelings and thoughts that came as a result of being hurt, a few elements emerged:

- looking at our shared history together, he often said things that he didn`t mean. he lives in a world where he doesn`t act in accordance to what he says. he wanted to make me feel insecure because that`s how he felt. similarly, when he feels hurt, he says things to hurt me.
- the situation itself was very confronting (for both of us), and in a way I think that he was saying whatever he could to get a reaction out of me as his own way of ending the conversation so that he didn`t have to face what i was bringing up anymore.
- it is hard to understand when your mind doesn`t work like this. it is hurtful. and all of these are explanations, not excuses for the behaviour and the valid responses that one has to them on the receiving end.

[jaded7]

Thanks for bringing up this important point, Jaded.

In my experience, it was hard for me to mull over certain things my ex had said to me the last time we were together. I took them to heart, at face value. In order to challenge my own feelings and thoughts that came as a result of being hurt, a few elements emerged:

- looking at our shared history together, he often said things that he didn`t mean. he lives in a world where he doesn`t act in accordance to what he says. he wanted to make me feel insecure because that`s how he felt. similarly, when he feels hurt, he says things to hurt me.
- the situation itself was very confronting (for both of us), and in a way I think that he was saying whatever he could to get a reaction out of me as his own way of ending the conversation so that he didn`t have to face what i was bringing up anymore.
- it is hard to understand when your mind doesn`t work like this. it is hurtful. and all of these are explanations, not excuses for the behaviour and the valid responses that one has to them on the receiving end.

beautiful Tina.

I would add:

my ex's word was not good: things she said she'd do, commitments made and broken (but of course if I did these things...)
her response to the word 'no' was always over the top---anger, yelling, name calling and put downs
boundaries could not be set with her, even explicit ones---they too would create anger and total disregard for what I asked
double standards beyond belief

I have come to believe that the over the top reactions to boundaries, or suggestions that they aren't keeping their word, or sharing that their words of behavior are hurtful or confusing are all a part of what we are talking about here.....shame and guilt that cannot be tolerated, and therefore must be projected outward----> make Jaded feel guilty and ashamed so that I don't have to feel that way.

[seekingtheway]

I did find it a little funny to see that my ex said these exact phrases as the original poster. We think our situations are so unique but when we realise so many aspects of our relationships follow common patterns, it feels less personal.

I really resonated with your thoughts as well Tina (and Jaded).

It's true that if your brain doesn't have the same mechanisms, it's much harder to understand and process why someone would say and do the things they do. This is something I'm learning to be grateful for - the fact that some of these patterns are so foreign to me. But I think this is something we all do to varying degrees - we push away the things that feel intolerable to us, because they're too painful to sit with. It makes perfect sense when you think about it – if you don't have the tools and inner resources to process intense feelings, and don't have the control over your actions that is needed to stop doing shame-inducing behaviours... you can see how it would create the perfect storm. It would feel terrible, and you'd want to offload it somewhere.

But the distorted perceptions of things can also be caused by splitting, which is literally the brain not having the ability to hold the different parts of a person or an experience in one hand, so the perception of things is always going to change. I noticed this with my ex a lot - his opinion of someone or something would be constantly shifting, sometimes so dramatically that I couldn't understand it. My brain doesn't do that. I used to think that he was doing it on purpose at times, but in hindsight, I can just see that was his brain splitting things and being unable to bring together a perception of something or someone in its wholeness.

[anonymousfox]

Thanks 1brokenwing- well said and you are right... I do need validation as it is always "how can she do this to me"... Well, she is sick, thats why and she aint gonna change... To the guy she hooked up, good luck buddy and you have done me a favor dude...

My world will be better as soon as my head can clear the fog and I let go of the WHY.

R

Haha my thoughts exactly.
I pretty much know from my gut feeling that always has been right with her that she already has someone and potentially had someone while we were still together. (broken up 1m ago) I am so thankful for that, because she can focus on another poor guy and it gives me the room to not have any of the bat sh*t crazy things she threatened me with during the relationship done to me and it helps with going no contact. She wants to meet up again in 2 months and see if we can be f+ and I pretty much hope that until that day she is totally into someone else and doesn't care that I never want to see her again or hear from her, I also don't even want to know how she is anymore, I cared enough into a void when I was still with her. I feel bad for the next person and its a bit selfish, but it is what it is.