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Author Topic: What sex means to those in a BPD relationship  (Read 14491 times)
freshlySane
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 245


« Reply #30 on: January 25, 2013, 09:47:59 AM »

I am my experience my exBPD loved to ask me about my ex's where they better where they pretty did i climax with them. and she loved to compare her to them. She use to text me call me and tell me all these sexual things she even use to do things at my work. I was intoxicated with her. in her mind she felt she was showing me appreciation with sex and vice versa she felt i desired her when we had sex. When we were trying to make a baby she said she loved the process because i love her enough to want to make a life with her that i loved her so much that i wanted to be connected to her forever. now this made me feel loved but it wasn't about me it was about her she loved that i loved her. later she changed and when she painted me black she was disgusted with me i was in shock if you could read our conversations and listen to our voice calls you'd never think shed be disgusted.
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almost789
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 783


« Reply #31 on: January 25, 2013, 09:56:36 AM »

Superwaz, I have heard that sex for BPD person is not an act of intimacy. They prefer casual objectified sex with people they have no intimate connection with. This is why they frequently reject their significants and turn to porn and more casual situations, which allows them to have the sex without the intimacy. Remember, its the intimacy that triggers them into dysregulation.
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Dave44
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« Reply #32 on: January 25, 2013, 09:57:35 AM »

Could someone please post a link to this "flags" thread? I can't se to find it and would really like to have a look. Thanks in advance.
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SuperWaz

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« Reply #33 on: January 25, 2013, 10:17:03 AM »

Superwaz, I have heard that sex for BPD person is not an act of intimacy. They prefer casual objectified sex with people they have no intimate connection with. This is why they frequently reject their significants and turn to porn and more casual situations, which allows them to have the sex without the intimacy. Remember, its the intimacy that triggers them into dysregulation.

Thanks SummerT321.  The thing that bothers me most is that while she had porn style sex with another guy for the whole time we were together, she also showered him with "I love you"s and he was on her mind from the moment she woke to the moment she went to sleep.

I'm getting a good understanding of why this might be, but the fact that, on the surface at least, she appeared to want someone else so much and me so little is something that I just can't seem to deal with.  I will always question if I am the person she really wants, despite her telling me otherwise 200 times a day.  I never was enough back when we were together, how could I possibly be enough now I can't give her the same unless I am fully over the things she has done?
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Joseph54
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: separated
Posts: 123



« Reply #34 on: January 25, 2013, 11:36:50 AM »

My BPD wife is also very good at making me feel good. She loves giving oral and is the best I have ever experienced. She is very beautiful, intelligent, financially well off and from a very good family.

It appears to me that she uses it to avoid abandonment and relieve her insecurities about her self worth. She may also use it to try to control but I have found she try's to destroy relationships that I had developed with friends and family to try to control me.

Sex was and still is one of the greatest bonds in our relationship. We do not any conflict in our sex lives. She seems to be open to anything that please me sexually.

Joe Smiling (click to insert in post)   
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tryin2moveOn

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 18


« Reply #35 on: January 25, 2013, 12:33:56 PM »

this thread has me thinking and reflecting. mind you, i've recently discovered that my uexBPDbf was actually married the entire three years we were together (he made up grand lies to convince me he was separated and working towards a divorce). so essentially i was also the other woman.

that being said, sex was always awesome. from day one. intense sexual attraction. i loved how he made me feel. i always wanted to please him, bc i knew he wanted to please me too. we would stay in bed for days. he was very intimate. looked directly at me, told me he loved me, called me by my name numerous times. even said my name during O's.

he told me sex with his wife was awful. that he felt bad about himself each time. that he felt empty.

he lied about so much... .  so who knows?

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cookiecrumbled
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: D for three years
Posts: 75



« Reply #36 on: January 25, 2013, 12:35:05 PM »

I am female and heterosexual.

Unfortunately, this was not the case with my bfwBPB. Smiling (click to insert in post).  We had an out of this world amazing sex life - but there was no obsession with one thing or another.

Damn, I miss him so much.

Cookie
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almost789
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« Reply #37 on: January 25, 2013, 12:59:33 PM »

this thread has me thinking and reflecting. mind you, i've recently discovered that my uexBPDbf was actually married the entire three years we were together (he made up grand lies to convince me he was separated and working towards a divorce). so essentially i was also the other woman.

that being said, sex was always awesome. from day one. intense sexual attraction. i loved how he made me feel. i always wanted to please him, bc i knew he wanted to please me too. we would stay in bed for days. he was very intimate. looked directly at me, told me he loved me, called me by my name numerous times. even said my name during O's.

he told me sex with his wife was awful. that he felt bad about himself each time. that he felt empty.

he lied about so much... .  so who knows?

My exBPDbf was that way too. But it only lasted through idealization, about 6 months.
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FindingMe2011
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1227



« Reply #38 on: January 25, 2013, 02:40:24 PM »

Excerpt
   I think the thread is perfectly legitimate within the context of education and information regarding the insidious, destructive condition of BPD  that reeks so much pain on so many. 

Pain that these "so many" people, took on willingly. The stance you are presenting shows justification, anger, blame, all wrapped up in the victim position. A lot of places to become stuck at.

What did sex mean to you before BPD r/s?

What did sex mean to you during the r/s?

What does sex mean to you today?

... .  change the word sex, with love. Start some threads with this... .  The fact that I could mistake intensity, for intimacy, goes a little deeper than getting a great hummer. In the end, it was just another excuse for my behavior

Excerpt
   I'm not the only one that has wondered about this topic... .  I very much appreciate all the comments, even those that "don't see the point."   

Not the first, nor the last. The tying in, with the Freud literature, I found interesting. i would just have to ask, how dissecting the illness this far, is going to help you gain emotional maturity? This is the point... .  I wish you well, PEACE

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BlushAndBashful
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Posts: 642



« Reply #39 on: January 25, 2013, 06:40:28 PM »

I know I posted a year ago, but this time I'll be a bit more forward.

I won't argue that some pwBPD are hypersexual.

I won't argue that they tend to be amazing in bed.

I won't argue that intimacy triggers them.

I won't argue that they sometimes have impulsive or reckless behavior.

However, what I'm a bit surprised at is - excuse the pun - all the "fixation" on oral. Really, oral sex really seems pretty dang vanilla. That doesn't even qualify as kinky or some bizarre fetish.

I'm reading this thread and it seems that some see healthy sex as being somehow dysfunctional. I don't think there's anything wrong with oral, I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying sex, and I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting one's partner to enjoy sex. I'm reading here some people slam their ex because it was all about their own pleasure, and others slam their ex because they were ONLY doing it to please their partner, hook them in, and gain ultimate control.

Your own comfort levels are your own. Some have more traditional ideas of sex. That's okay. I just don't see how most of the things brought up are abnormal, or indicative of a mental illness.  If they are, I better tame down my repertoire.

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BentNotBroken
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« Reply #40 on: January 26, 2013, 10:10:17 AM »

Your own comfort levels are your own. Some have more traditional ideas of sex. That's okay. I just don't see how most of the things brought up are abnormal, or indicative of a mental illness.  If they are, I better tame down my repertoire.

   

Thanks to Ftf, my sense of humor is coming back despite the awful custody battle!

Seriously, don't "tame down" just because some random people have some serious hangups. Your next SO may be much more appreciative and reciprocal without having a serious mental disorder!

I think there was a period of time where my BPDex was very "stable" with her illness. (due to some heavy duty mirroring of a path I had taken for self-improvement)She followed along with the same actions I was taking and was able to tamp down her selfishness to a more human level. During that time our intimacy and sex life was fantastic. She was functioning well and getting along with people in a deep, meaningful way. We could spend time away from each other without the abandonment fear kicking in and taking over her actions. It was like being with a complete, normal person.

Of course that is my recollection of it. It was many years ago, and I may be utterly mistaken.

On a different note, an old ex of mine contacted me and we had a few regular phone conversations. I could feel the fireworks going off in the base of my brain--she is the only one that ever had that effect on me with just the thought of her. With what I now know about BPD, I suspect she may have been BPD in addition to some other heavy duty issues. I remembered the mind-blowing sex life we had together, and despite the fantastic oral sex for both of us and her offers of other, previously "off-limits activities" decided it was best to not reconnect with her. Thank you again, bpdfamily.com, it probably would not have been healthy for either of us.
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