Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 04:42:59 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Still struggling with the past...  (Read 1692 times)
Megatron
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 77


« Reply #30 on: June 12, 2012, 10:44:37 AM »

Thanks for all the good words of wisdom. It's hard letting go, especially when this person insists on being in your life and maintaining contact with you. Now she'd like to meet up when she returns here in a few months. Its like she just makes it up in her mind that because i responded to her emails she just assumes that we can be friends now and everything is normal and our past doesn't matter. It always will to me and this is someone who I could never be just friends with as she so desperately seems to want.
Logged
gina louise
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: married a few years
Posts: 1263



« Reply #31 on: June 12, 2012, 12:27:51 PM »

megatron,

In my book you did the right thing as a sane/normal person.

you admitted guilt/fault of what happened during a break up...and sheand used it as leverage against you.

she may have done the very same thing at the same time-but no matter(in her mind)

I still have doubt and mistrust in my H (then UBPD Bf) who said once we had been broken up for 5 months.

that's what he told his kids.

In MY BOOK it was one month!

that's how long he took to toss me out and then recycle me.

So his reality was probably that HE did whatever he wanted for five whole months- while stringing me along for at least 4 of those.

And he will never tell me the truth about what he did while he was seeing me for 4 of those months.

I thought it *odd* that at one point in that time he officially asked me to be his GF again.  ?

I said-I thought I already was! 

I was SO DENSE!

So Megatron-it's NOT YOU. You are good, normal.

it's HER screwed up version of reality. it will never match what's real. what WE see.

GL
Logged
Bandita

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 29



« Reply #32 on: June 12, 2012, 04:49:05 PM »

I actually think if you re-read her message paying attention to how vague her statements are it might help you. You're filling in the blanks for her. What DOES 'not a good match' mean? I'd be willing to bet she could not provide any real solid answer to that, with concrete examples, because that's only as far as she thought about that statement. There's likely nothing behind any of her conclusions, they are shallow excuses that are good enough for her, but not you, because you actually rationalize things based on information not just assume based on feelings.

In fact, much like a 'psychic reader' can hit on personal information by using generalities to get feedback from the subject & zeroing in on it, by the very virtue of you looking for answers in her statements you are giving her weak rationales substance where there is none. Make sense?

This has been the hardest thing for me to understand in retrospect about my own relationship--I was reading into his vague assertions as though they actually carried weight! I finally realized what was going on, and when he dropped me on my head with the lame excuse of 'growing in different ways' (an inapplicable statement in SO many ways, but ignoring that fact) the only thing I decided to do to in response to the entire dumping was ask him to define that one concept. I knew if my theory about him was correct he would not be able to flesh out 'growing in different ways' with any specific information, and he of course could not even begin to. It was an empty string of words that sounded good to him.

Absolutely no substance with these people, it's us providing it and getting duped by our own reflection.
Logged
Megatron
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 77


« Reply #33 on: June 13, 2012, 08:06:16 AM »

What confuses me is how she remembers the end of the relationship and how I remember it are completely different.

How she remembers: Our relationship just casually ended because we were both unhappy and the relationship was making her a btch and we weren't a "good match".

How I remember: A week before she left me and moved far away, we were planning on getting back together after we had been broken up for 8 months and she told me she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me. A week later after she kept prying and I finally told her about something I did during our breakup, that was it, she said she wanted me out of her life and that I was the devil.

How I remember is what truly happened. But it seems like my ex completely ignores facts that actually happened and creates her own version of events. Yes, there were times when we were unhappy, but I wanted to work through it. I didn't want to give up on the relationship. I thought we were a "good match" when we really tried hard to make it work. She didn't want to put in too much effort. She almost seems to convey that the end of our relationship was a mutual thing. What the hell?

Why exactly do BPDs have a distorted view on things that happened in their life? My ex suffered terrible abuse as a child and overall had a chaotic childhood and her mom had BPD and father was a drug addict and she never really had a stable upbringing. I wanted her to know that she deserved love, but it wasn't good enough I guess, but what makes them completely change the facts of what happened? Why do the seem to forget things? I remember my ex told me when I flew out to see her last year that she forgot so much about our relationship. Why does she suppress memories and thoughts of significant "bad" experiences in her life?

It really helps posting on here because the more I do, and the more feedback I get, the more I realize I deserve way better and that this person is toxic for me.

Logged
daydreambeliever
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 422



« Reply #34 on: June 13, 2012, 08:18:25 AM »

Perhaps part of the blame game you are a lil stuck in is maybe you being a little neurotic (part and parcel after those r/s though).

Also, did you know that when we overly blame ourselves or overly take responsibility for things it's bc if we can see ourselves as being at fault/to blame- then on some level we see 'it' as we can still change the situation, if it was our responsibility then it is in our control to change how we feel about it see it all or even change future behaviours. Interesting huh.

So, just accept what is yours and accept what is hers what she has and what is. You are the one and only in control of your future situation, stop internalising the feeling of all to blame and  you wont feel so inclined to take her calls/texts...maybe.

The last questions you were asking...all defence mechanism stuff.
Logged
Megatron
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 77


« Reply #35 on: June 13, 2012, 01:54:43 PM »

I really want to stop being hung up on the past with my ex. I just worry that I'll be alone forever. It's been almost three years since she left me and yet I am still in contact with her. I haven't been in any other relationship since then because I am scared about that. I've dated here and there but usually it never works out because I don't let it. I've probably passed up on some girls that I could have had a nice relationship with had I been completely over the past. The situation with my ex also did a number on my self-esteem, so I tend to walk around thinking I am not good enough for someone to want to be with me and love me. So I guess I do have a lot of work. I'm seeing a therapist and his goals for me are for me to learn to accept and love myself and then after that to find a happy and healthy relationship. I guess I need to accomplish the first one before I can even consider the second. It's just really hard getting your confidence back and being able to respect yourself after a relationship like I had with my ex.
Logged
Thepatman
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 354



« Reply #36 on: June 13, 2012, 02:08:19 PM »

Don't worry megatron I'm exactly in the same boat. I'm shy by nature and my self esteem equals that of a carton box.

Work on yourself and your self esteem. Personally I've started weight lifting after years of not doing it. It's boosting my confidence slowlly as I grow bigger.

Maybe I'll get as big as megatron.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Your a good man don't forget that. You can choose not to be the door mat.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Logged
GP44
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 218


« Reply #37 on: June 13, 2012, 02:13:37 PM »

I really want to stop being hung up on the past with my ex. I just worry that I'll be alone forever. It's been almost three years since she left me and yet I am still in contact with her. I haven't been in any other relationship since then because I am scared about that. I've dated here and there but usually it never works out because I don't let it. I've probably passed up on some girls that I could have had a nice relationship with had I been completely over the past. The situation with my ex also did a number on my self-esteem, so I tend to walk around thinking I am not good enough for someone to want to be with me and love me. So I guess I do have a lot of work. I'm seeing a therapist and his goals for me are for me to learn to accept and love myself and then after that to find a happy and healthy relationship. I guess I need to accomplish the first one before I can even consider the second. It's just really hard getting your confidence back and being able to respect yourself after a relationship like I had with my ex.

I'm hung up too. I'm 20 months out. I think the biggest problem is simply finding closure. Going through something traumatic and abusive, that takes longer than a so-called normal relationship where two adults mutually or one of them decides it's not going to work. My ex-ex and I - well that was sad when we parted, but there was nothing damaging about it. My experience with my ex was damaging.

Closure is the root of close, so in other words, we have not been able/willing to close the book on this chapter in our lives and move on. I'm torn on whether or not I should continue posting at bpdfamily. In many ways it is soothing to come here and be among people who have had the same experience as me, read other members write things that I have thought and felt. But I wonder if by continuing to come here I am putting this front and center in my life and not letting it recede into the background.

I do think that when you've been through something traumatic, it takes awhile to come to terms with and overcome. Maybe our pain is simply that we are in touch with our feelings and unlike them, we can't repress, deny and ignore. Maybe the pain is that we choose to face it head on.
Logged
Thepatman
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 354



« Reply #38 on: June 13, 2012, 02:32:36 PM »

GP44, you are bang on with "Maybe the pain is that we choose to face it head on"

We do need to face this head on cause we need to find why we attracked them, took the abuse, and sometimes want to go back for more.

Personally I don't want to just forget this and put in my subconscience. I want to process it and be able to explain it to myself in front the mirror  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

An AVOID this in the future
Logged
MaybeSo
Distinguished Member
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Together five years, ended suddenly June 2011
Posts: 3680


Players only love you when they're playing...


« Reply #39 on: June 13, 2012, 08:18:10 PM »

From reading her response, She sounds very Borderline to me, classic. I do not think pwBPD are evil or don't have feelings of remorse or genuine caring, they do but it's changeable and fleeting and so it doesn't matter because it never changes anything for the better long term, it won't inform their future behavior at all,  they still act borderline, they are a relationship trainwreck waiting to happen. They can be talented in other areas but in relationship they suck. Of course a good relationship would trigger her and cause her to be a btch or act like an ass, intimacy triggers the symptoms of BPD. You have nothing to do with that.  She is telling you she is unstable, and if you get even a little close to her she will repeat the same pattern again cause she is borderline. She may feel sincerely bad about it but that doesn't stop the symptoms, get close and she will do it again. This is BPD. It sucks! As for how she remembers things like the end of the break up, how it's so different from your memory of what happened, this is BPD, too, I've seen this so many times with my ex that I know he does not retain emotional memory like a normal person does, I am convinced it's not contrived either, he does not store emotional memories or connect the dots the way a regular person does. It will drive you crazy unless you really get it, that they do not process experiences the way we do. It is different for them. It makes being with them crazy-making unless you really get it that they are inherently different. she is borderline. Accept it. She is relationship challenged and intimacy challenged.
Logged

daydreambeliever
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 422



« Reply #40 on: June 14, 2012, 07:23:35 AM »

I really want to stop being hung up on the past with my ex. I just worry that I'll be alone forever. It's been almost three years since she left me and yet I am still in contact with her. I haven't been in any other relationship since then because I am scared about that. I've dated here and there but usually it never works out because I don't let it. I've probably passed up on some girls that I could have had a nice relationship with had I been completely over the past. The situation with my ex also did a number on my self-esteem, so I tend to walk around thinking I am not good enough for someone to want to be with me and love me. So I guess I do have a lot of work. I'm seeing a therapist and his goals for me are for me to learn to accept and love myself and then after that to find a happy and healthy relationship. I guess I need to accomplish the first one before I can even consider the second. It's just really hard getting your confidence back and being able to respect yourself after a relationship like I had with my ex.

Megatron I hear you and understand your fears of being alone. Fears can tend to be irrational though and it is best to beat them down with rationality. So I will try and beat yours down with...you sound like a great guy with a lot to offer...like you said you met a few girls but you weren't completely interested... which is perhaps likely bc of the maintained contact with ex. No chic/lady is going to have a chance in your heart/mind while you're still maintaining contact with ex.

Ever heard of Stockholm syndrome?

The sooner you break away as complete NC, you will be stepping up your chances to not being alone, even though you will feel alone I'm sure. Sometimes, we have to be brave enough to cut free from what we love/hurt, to be alone completely alone, and understand ourselves before we can find another we fit with healthily.

No one is alone forever, not even you in your worst fears Smiling (click to insert in post)

I have been out of mine for over a year and NC for 7 months-so early ish days in comparison to your 3 years.

However, I have had a 2 year break from him at one point where we maintained contact, I, like you, was hoping that in doing so would help me break free. It doesn't work that way. I was still drawn in and drawing him in. This time round is the longest I have ever been NC and I tell ya Megatron, it really sends you such a  message of respect, and the feeling of pride knowing that you can do it is great. You can do it  Smiling (click to insert in post)

And if it makes you feel better, I have only dated one guy very briefly in the last year over a 4 week period and shut down on him. So I knew I still needed time to work on me, which is a good thing, it doesn't mean I will be alone forever or that I wont meet anyone, it just means me time for now.

I understand how hard it is to regain selfrespect and self love after these r/s. I really do. mine was a 9 year roller-coaster, besides losing repect for him I lost it also for myself and felt very low. I almost found it easier to forgive him than me, as I should have known better is what I kept getting stuck on.

Which ties into this, forgiveness of myself for choosing the traumatic chaotic dramatic mess of a r/s. That was one of the hardest points in this journey of recovery from my ex.  Forgiveness comes though with acceptance and reminding yourself that you are worthy and lovable.

And you know what Megatron, you always have the now, and someone wise said, there is no better time to start than the now.

We can beat ourselves up for, where we could be, should be, or wish we were. Yet, we can still take that little step and make the start now. There is always the start to start at and it is never too late (for your healing).


All the best with your journey to freedom and in your therapy Megatron...some lovely lady will come into your life when you are ready and at peace within yourself.

Send yourself a lot of love and direct all your energy into you.

You know you deserve it and need it.


 

Logged
Megatron
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 77


« Reply #41 on: June 14, 2012, 07:55:46 AM »

maybeso and daydreambeliever, your last posts really struck a chord with me. They were the last little push I needed to get moving forward. And thank you to everyone who has contributed nothing but kind and encouraging words for me to remember. I really appreciate it. I know what must be done, I just have to do it. I need to be good to myself and not beat myself up so much over what happened in the past. I put a lot of work and effort into other aspects of my life, so why can't I put the same amount of effort into learning how to respect myself and appreciate who I am and what I have to offer? It won't be easy but I know when I'm feeling down I always have this board to come to for encouragement. This message board has truly been a Godsend for me.
Logged
daydreambeliever
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 422



« Reply #42 on: June 14, 2012, 08:21:47 AM »

Yay  that is awesome Smiling (click to insert in post) You are the key to your freedom from this current situation, and you are the lock, she isn't either. You can free yourself without her and regardless of any closure or lack of from her. It's all in you my friend...you can unlock yourself from this hurt.

When you think about it, the one person in our lives who we are gonna spend the most time with is...US...so it makes sense to give ourselves love and make peace and forgiveness etc invest in us so we can enjoy being us and being by ourselves for a little while.  Turn that fix it energy onto ourselves.

Stay strong and put yourself first  Smiling (click to insert in post)



Logged
psixanwmalos
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 1


« Reply #43 on: June 14, 2012, 09:29:54 AM »

I would highly suggest to take some advice from the professionals. Find an ebook written by doctors and implement it. If you dont know where to start you can check out this website: www.low-selfesteem.com/

Hope I helped. Good luck!
Logged
Megatron
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 77


« Reply #44 on: September 26, 2012, 12:08:54 PM »

Hi everyone. I just wanted to give an update on how my life has been going. I've been really down lately and its due to things that don't directly involve my ex. I've been trying to date and meet women. I figure its been 3 years since I have had a romantic relationship with anyone. I went on two dates with this girl and I thought the dates went extremely well but then she disappeared and I haven't heard from her in weeks. Another girl I asked out that I have actually known for a while and she just told me she didn't want to date right now and just wanted to be single. This was a girl I had feelings for too. I just feel so rejected. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I think about how my ex rejected me, then these girls, and then I just think that I am damaged and that I'll never be able to be in a healthy romantic relationship with anyone. That no one will consider me worthy. I fear I will never fall in love with someone again, that I'll never have a family, and that I will die alone.

I really hate dating and trying to meet women. I just feel so uncomfortable and I think how comfortable I felt around my ex. I just get really depressed. I'm only 28 years old but pretty much all my friends are either married or have girlfriends. Here I am still alone. I still think about my ex too and I just don't know how to move past it completely. I guess I am just hurting and wanted to share my feelings with this board that has made me feel so much better in the past.
Logged
forumman83
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 61



« Reply #45 on: September 27, 2012, 01:11:52 AM »

Megatron, check out my post "someone please remind me" if you are interested in my story because I have been where you are.  The lowest of lows when my x and I broke up. 

Directly after the breakup, I refused to let go.  This went on for approximately 5 months.  I would get an occasional email, or I would see her out, or whatever and I just allowed my self to wait around hoping that one day she would return.  During this time, I was miserable and wallowed in my own depression.

I want you to know that the ONLY thing that got me out of this hole was NO CONTACT.  Healing has to occur first before you can start dating.  You are likely feeling needy and depressed right now and this is simply not attractive to ANYONE let alone women.

Know, however, that it WILL pass.  You MUST make the conscious decision to LET HER GO.  FOREVER.  You will get better.  I have been there.  Many of us have.  Commit to NO CONTACT. NONE. ZERO, ZILCH, NADA, NOTHING NO MATTER WHAT.  Dedicate your life to Yourself and you will heal, slowly, but you will heal.  You will have bad days, you will have good days, it will be difficult, but it will slowly get better.  First things first, GIVE UP THE DREAM. and COMMIT to moving on.  Otherwise, you may end up wasting another 3 years of your life...and remember YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE
Logged
rock and a hardplace
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: long distance relationship for a little over a year
Posts: 98



« Reply #46 on: September 27, 2012, 02:22:40 AM »

megatron, i can totally relate to your postings. You sound like a caring warm hearted, considerate guy. Your Gf sounds very much to have many of the BPD traits. When i hear what you write i see alot of myself in you. As ive bent over backwards for my gfwBPD, and nothing is ever enough or right, always a no win and never her fault. I was, and sometimes still, blame myself, for her leaving. But then it seems to atleast for awhile ease the pain, when i start to read the posts from the supportive people and tools on here, again.

  Dont worry you will find someone who will love you, for you.  I know you want to test the waters, and see what the response may be from women, but this is not a good gauge of that right now, as its very early in the healing process. I know its been 3 years, but only recently have you begun to focus on loving yourself, and you are so worth it. Dont let one little set back, right out of the gate, deter you from your healing process. Believe me, you will be so much better off healing yourself, and becoming aware of all the red flags and ur own part in the BPD relationship, than repeating this again, cause ur in a hurry to get into a relationship and dont want to be alone.  Im slowly going thru it myself and have good and bad days yet.

  Today actually wasnt such a good day, thats why i thought id post. Then i saw your postings, and i sure can empathize/relate. Ive been feeling just kind of numb and in shock these last few days. Its so hard sometimes to view this as a disease, although when i do, it does help to put things in perspective again. I still get in the mindset sometimes yet, where i not only blame myself, but i still feel shocked that she can cut off/compartmentalize her feelings for me, in a matter of days/hours. Im not sure if she just stowed them someplace, or if she painted me black, as there was no fight that led up to our separation, and right beforehand, we had big plans for me to move in with her and get a house together etc etc.

   Thats the thing thats hardest for me, is that she can just cut things off out of the blue, and that she can chop off any feelings for me too just as quick, as tho they/I, never existed-even tho the nite before the NC started, she said how much she loved me. Doesnt make sense. She has never made any complaints or communicated to me, that anything was wrong, just that she needed a little space. I have a hard time wrapping my head around how they can do that (cut everything off so abruptly)? and the reasons why?

   Anyway, I do have proof that she has been looking, and/or has a replacement for me, even though she denies this. Although, i think shes keeping things on the low down, in case she wants to try to come back. So ive been working hard on just trying to detach from her and focus more on myself. Its the only thing that keeps me moving forward a bit. I dont want her back, unless shes in treatment, and can atleast start to recognize her illness. I am trying to gain the strength here, so if she comes back and shes not in treatment, i can say no and put up a boundary.

   I can see your are making progress, its two steps forward and one step back alot of days, but be patient and compassionate with yourself, and thanks for sharing your post. Helps to know someone else understands this slow and sometime painful journey. Im sure at the end there will be alot of personal growth and it will be so worthwhile. Hang in there.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!