1 month silent treatment

[Bright_Future]

I read the Silent Treatment article and learned a lot from it.  I'm hoping to get some feedback on my situation.

Today marks one month of silent treatment from my uBPDh. During that time, we've had three conversations initiated by me to attempt a reconciliation, but afterwards it was back to the silent treatment. He has never gone this long before with the silent treatment, and it is pure hell. The times we did talk, he just says that he needs his space, all about his space. But we're still living together, except that he moved into the spare bedroom. I think that I could deal with this better if he were gone, but I see him every day! So far, he hasn't said anything to make me think that he's interested in working things out. It's all about his space and how I'm to blame. He goes out on the weekends, and he doesn't come back until the next day. During the week, when he knows that I'm home, he'll whistle like he doesn't have a care in the world. Why is he so mean? I try to just go about my day and ignore him, but I'm dying inside, little by little.

Is this common with pwBPD, to leave emotionally but not leave physically? Does it have to do with their abandonment issues?

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[Eric367]

Yes, you are not alone. My BPDw was gving me the cold shoulder and silent treatment for 10 to 12 weeks at a time, with 10 to 14 days of pull. This is really exhausting, and she did not want to engage conversation during that time. But what usually happened was that I was eventually mirroring her behavior and her fear of abandonment made her split into a pull mode.

When I finally discovered that she has BPD, I started to practice detachment, as described in the book Stop to Walk on Eggshells, and I noticed that her cycles are much shorther, about 2 and half week of push, and 4 or 5 days of pull. So, you get a break more often. But more importantly, this gave me an opportunity to see more clearly what was happening, and I took her silent treatment much less personally, because I discovered that she is ill, that I could not do a lot about it, and that in the end it is up to her to deal with her illness. This also encouraged me to do my own things when she is giving me the silent treatment (going out, see friends, take a class, etc.), and it is much less painful that way. So, I do not think ignoring the behavior is useful; it is much more effective to look at the behavior from a different perspective while at the same time you make sure that you have your own space, for yourself.

[Mr Mom...]

I just went through a two week silent treatment from my g/f and we don't even live together, so I know just how difficult it can be. Just remember - it's not your fault.

I did manage to speak to my g/f after a week of silence and she was like a shamed out 6 year old and told me she was going through hell and she just wanted to be left alone. It was very sad... .feeling like hell on the inside but putting on a chirpy face on the outside... .for 2 weeks!

Try to depersonalize. Try to use this time to do something for you, make some new friends, treat yourself to someting nice, try to smile... .

[united for now]

I agree with the others... .good advice 

As hard as it is to believe (since it feels so horrible) - it isn't your fault   

If he is whistling and acting all carefree in your presence, going out on the weekends without telling you where he is going, he may be using silent treatment as a form of punishment. Have you read through some of the info on ASPD and NPD?

[goinbonkers]

I read the Silent Treatment article and learned a lot from it.  I'm hoping to get some feedback on my situation.

Today marks one month of silent treatment from my uBPDh. During that time, we've had three conversations initiated by me to attempt a reconciliation, but afterwards it was back to the silent treatment. He has never gone this long before with the silent treatment, and it is pure hell. The times we did talk, he just says that he needs his space, all about his space. But we're still living together, except that he moved into the spare bedroom. I think that I could deal with this better if he were gone, but I see him every day! So far, he hasn't said anything to make me think that he's interested in working things out. It's all about his space and how I'm to blame. He goes out on the weekends, and he doesn't come back until the next day. During the week, when he knows that I'm home, he'll whistle like he doesn't have a care in the world. Why is he so mean? I try to just go about my day and ignore him, but I'm dying inside, little by little.

Is this common with pwBPD, to leave emotionally but not leave physically? Does it have to do with their abandonment issues?

been there.  sorry to say it is very common in pwBPD.  mine used to go months with the silence.  i feel that they go silent expecting magic to fix the situation instead of actually communicating like two mature adults and working things out.  nothing gets resolved without some effort.  ever.

[yeeter]

I dont know if this is it or not, but I have applied the silent treatment myself.  Well not quite, but am sure my wife see's it that way.

During the first few years of the marriage she would rage at me and say some things that really really hurt me to the core.  I would retreat in tears (she would follow and continue the lashings, until I could get to a room with a door to lock).

Then later I would emerge and we would do the necessary life stuff (food, work, etc) - but I wouldnt engage and was unable to talk to her other than tactical, factual stuff.

To her this was me freezing her out or giving her the silent treatment.  To me, it was about needing to recover emotionally to the point that I was strong enough again to engage.  It could take a day or two sometimes.

So perhaps sometimes, this is about your wife feeling so much pain that she needs to recover before she can engage again?  If there is some way to help her manage the hurt she is experiencing, it might help her recover to where she can engage again?

[briefcase]

When I finally discovered that she has BPD, I started to practice detachment, as described in the book Stop to Walk on Eggshells, and I noticed that her cycles are much shorther, about 2 and half week of push, and 4 or 5 days of pull. So, you get a break more often. But more importantly, this gave me an opportunity to see more clearly what was happening, and I took her silent treatment much less personally, because I discovered that she is ill, that I could not do a lot about it, and that in the end it is up to her to deal with her illness. This also encouraged me to do my own things when she is giving me the silent treatment (going out, see friends, take a class, etc.), and it is much less painful that way. So, I do not think ignoring the behavior is useful; it is much more effective to look at the behavior from a different perspective while at the same time you make sure that you have your own space, for yourself.

This is the only approach I have found that really works.  It's hard to not take it personally, but it can be done.  I sued to get several silent treatments over the course of a year, which lasted for 1-3 days typically.  Now, I hoenstly can't remember the last time I got a silent treatment (sound of me knocking on wood!). 

[goinbonkers]

When I finally discovered that she has BPD, I started to practice detachment, as described in the book Stop to Walk on Eggshells, and I noticed that her cycles are much shorther, about 2 and half week of push, and 4 or 5 days of pull. So, you get a break more often. But more importantly, this gave me an opportunity to see more clearly what was happening, and I took her silent treatment much less personally, because I discovered that she is ill, that I could not do a lot about it, and that in the end it is up to her to deal with her illness. This also encouraged me to do my own things when she is giving me the silent treatment (going out, see friends, take a class, etc.), and it is much less painful that way. So, I do not think ignoring the behavior is useful; it is much more effective to look at the behavior from a different perspective while at the same time you make sure that you have your own space, for yourself.

This is the only approach I have found that really works.  It's hard to not take it personally, but it can be done.  I sued to get several silent treatments over the course of a year, which lasted for 1-3 days typically.  Now, I hoenstly can't remember the last time I got a silent treatment (sound of me knocking on wood!). 

damn you are lucky.  1-3 days?  that would be nothing to me.  i used to get them for months on end.  living in the same household, she'd go an entire month.  it was utterly amazing.  her ex said she'd go two months with him.

[Bright_Future]

Thanks everyone. Funny timing, but last night after I went to bed I received a short text from him asking for "about a minute of my time" today to talk. It is the first time he has reached out to me. I'm bracing for the worst, since he made clear that he wanted only "about a minute," which tells me he doesn't want a full conversation. But who the hell knows. I can't predict anything anymore with him, so I think I'm just better off waiting to see what it is when I get home from work today.

[goinbonkers]

Thanks everyone. Funny timing, but last night after I went to bed I received a short text from him asking for "about a minute of my time" today to talk. It is the first time he has reached out to me. I'm bracing for the worst, since he made clear that he wanted only "about a minute," which tells me he doesn't want a full conversation. But who the hell knows. I can't predict anything anymore with him, so I think I'm just better off waiting to see what it is when I get home from work today.

from my experience, whenever i was told she wanted a minute, she literally meant that (so she could then go off and take care of the other 9 million things going on in her life).

[redfeather]

Silent treatment is a form of abuse. AJ Mahari has a wonderful article on her site about it. She is a recovered borderline.

[Bright_Future]

So the minute of my time was just about some practical household thing, that's it. I threw in an "I love you" at the end. I couldn't help it. He paused and said it back. But then back to silent treatment, except for a couple more household things. Nothing that really matters. I'm trying to not let it get to me. I went out with friends last night and had a good time. But now I'm home with him and he's in the other room. So close yet so far. I'm just so tempted to go in there and ask him if he's decided to give up on us. I haven't seen any indication at all that he wants to fix  ;p things with us. I just want to know if it is over or not, so I would know whether I should move on or stay and fight. I still want him. In times like these I don't know why, but I do.

I know that I should just mirror his behavior, so I should just stay where I am. God, I'm lonely. I miss the intimacy. I don't mean sex. I mean the closeness. You can't get that from going out with friends. I really miss my husband. But he seems fine. I think he's happier without me. My heart is so broken. 16 years of my life with this man, and he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. I know that I was good to him. I just don't understand.

[Rose Tiger]

    This is so hard to deal with, it used to drive me to distraction when my husband would do this.  I would feel like a bad person and try so hard to get him to like me again! 

It's not you, you are not a bad person and you deserve to be treated better.     I've found the solution is to get into things that didn't involve him that brought me happiness.  Pretend he is on an extended business trip and left his ghost in the house.  Oh, hi there (ghost) how are you today?  Treat him cordially and carry on.

My husband would build up this case against me in his mind.  I was like a mass murdering bug eater or something.  It's the illness.  The best thing for you AND for him is to make every effort to show him that you aren't affected.  It loses it's punch and they begin to drop it.

[doubleAries]

I've been living with the silent treatment for 16 years. My husband and I run a business together, so we talk about business stuff and chores and what have you, because this is no longer a form of punishment but a way of life. Years ago, it was the icy purposeful silent treatment. Now it's just anything personal being off limits. When I approach the elephant in the room, he sighs loudly and pointedly looks at the clock. Or maybe he just picks up the newspaper and starts reading it. His favorite at the moment is to tell me he is just a quiet person and doesn't like that much talking, and then turn on sports talk on the radio very loud and listen to nonstop yammering on the radio for hours on end. He also has a propensity for simply walking out of the room or house while I'm talking to him.

I've asked him numerous times "what's wrong?" only to get the snapped reply "NOTHING!" but have to deal with his tension for at least the rest of the day, mumbling angry things under his breath--when I say what? he says NOTHING! I wasn't talking to you!

He's careful to avoid touching me and says stiffly and formally "excuse me, please" when he doesn't have at least 5 feet berth. Then he'll sit down outside and hug and kiss the dogs, making sure I see this.

When I make suggestions to improve our relationship or ask him to listen to a short article about the same, he sighs loudly, rolls his eyes, and asks "how long is this going to take?"

For many years I have gone through the same cycle over and over--endlessly reviewing incidents in my mind trying to figure out what went wrong. Is it my fault or is he just a jerk? Why am I putting up with this? Why does he hate me?

The part that has puzzled me most though, is when I get tired of reaching out and being maliciously rejected, and withdraw (figuring to allow the "relationship" to die a natural death), he gets agitated and increasingly hostile. When I say "look, clearly by your words and actions, you don't like me, our home, our business. So why are you still here?" He acts like this is a boring conversation taking away from his important schedule of listening to sports or reading about failed Arctic explorations or playing with the dogs, and stiffly tells me "I don't know. I guess I'm afraid to start over. Afraid to get a new job and new place to live." (Note to self: none of this is personal towards me--nothing like "because I love you and want to work things out with you". And he will not leave--even when I ask him to. He says "I'll tie up my loose ends and be out of here in x days" but he doesn't. He just pretends that never happened.

We work pretty well together, so I've suggested we just be business partners, but he rejects that, saying if we're not going to be married, he's not interested in this stupid business anyway, it's beneath him and his education level. So I tell him to go look for a job that he wants and he angrily says he will, but he doesn't. This is stressful because my business is booming and I can hardly keep up. Husband works like a machine and it would take 3 people to replace him (seriously) and I'm having a hard time finding good employees (we have 5 right now).

I've never understood why he is so miserable but won't leave. Or why I have allowed this to go on so long (sample self excuses: wouldn't be fair to give up too soon; need to learn to resolve problems, not just run away from them; OK, so we coexist devoid of communication, but won't I be just as alone if he leaves? If he stays, at least he works; Don't be so selfish--can't have it all, after all. Wanting it "all" is fairy tale thinking/expectations and unrealistic--try to count my blessings and quit focusing on the negatives; it could be worse--he could be out drinking/drugging/carousing or beating me up; etc, etc, etc)

But I think I finally understand. He doesn't hate me. He's insecure. And he's building himself up by putting me down. He doesn't like it when I withdraw from the game, because the game is where his power source is.

I filed for divorce this past December. We went all the way to 1 week before the finalization, and called it off becuase we had both started going to counseling (seperately for now, with the goal of eventually merging our counseling sessions together into marriage counseling). We decided to give the counseling a chance first, since we have so much time invested together and do care about each other in some weird way. We are very different from each other. At times, this expands both of us further than either of us could go on our own. At other times it just clashes. I realize this is up to us, but I also realize I can't have a relationship with someone else by myself.

I have seen some improvement since we started counseling. And I also have to admit that sometimes it pisses me off that husband will listen to the counselor, but not me. Counselor has made many of the same suggestions I did over the years. Those were scoffed at and rejected when I made them, but taken more seriously when a paid counselor makes them.

I'm going to give this some more time (not sure what length of time yet--I'm afraid because I've already wasted so much time on this and feel like an absolute idiot).

All I can really pitch in here is that I do understand the silent treatment isn't just "meanness". It's about serious insecurity and the inner struggle to "overcome" that through power and control over another person (the person the silent treatment person is blaming for the insecurity that they won't admit exists).

[yeeter]

Aires,

Thank you for a very thoughtful post.

Several parallels to my own situation.  And some of this is stuff that I need to own on my own part.

It sounds like you dont get the full silent treatment, but instead that you arent able to talk about the issues in the relationship with each other.  Ditto here.  Ive been working to figure out how to talk to my wife for some time now.  We werent able to do it in counseling, and since many our our dialogs digress into conflict, it means pulling away to avoid the conflict.

And since I have decided to stay in the relationship, this means very limited interaction that isnt factual and task oriented.  None of the touchy feely stuff gets discussed because it will no doubt end up resulting in hurt.

So from my wifes perspective this looks like pulling away and withdrawing.  And it is.  But, unless I can figure out a way that we can interact without conflict - short of blatant patronization or limiting to superficial chit chat - it only makes things worse to press it.  (its ironic, because I am a pretty chatty guy and definitely more touchy feely than my wife - yet to prevent conflict I avoid it)

I think back on the relationships (of any kind) where I was able to communicate and share the most.  And pretty universally, these were ones where I felt genuinely safe in sharing my feelings/ thoughts/ opinions.  That no matter what I said, it would be 'ok' - and that I would come out with what I 'wanted' from the conversation (even if what I wanted the other person wasnt able to give this - I understand and accept this and by definition I dont want something from someone that would be unhealthy for them to give).  Contrast that to my current relationship, and I believe neither one of us feels safe to share.

So if trying to break the status quo - consider just what it would take for your partner to feel SAFE in sharing.  It must be a combination of acceptance, empathy, support.  And if these areas that are difficult for the other person to feel due to a disorder, even more attention needs to be given them. 

Which may mean tabling your thoughts and opinions.  At least for a while.  To be able to learn and understand the other person and where they are coming from.  To somehow make it ok for them to share their thoughts and what they are going through (no matter how illogical!  Because if you throw logic back at them it will threaten what they want - because what they want is emotionally driven not logically driven).

Just some random thoughts.  It can be a defense mechanism.  Im going through it myself - as an exercise to keep myself engaged in the relationship.  Just this weekend my wife called me on an incident where it was getting out of hand and I disengaged.  She brought it up later in a rational manner, but expressed frustration that I wasnt working on the relationship (my view is that until we can figure out positive interaction then no interaction is better in the interest of 'stop making thing worse'. 

So figure out what it is in defense 'OF'?  Then work on taking that threat away.

[doubleAries]

Yeeter--

I definitely agree that it is a defense mechanism. Unfortunately, many times when husband feels safe enough to say what he is defensive about, I am horrified to discover that it is projection! In fact, I read him the BPD Family article about the silent treatment (there's a link at the bottom of the workshop 1st post that goes to the fantastic FULL article) and he was (can you believe it?) silent for some time. I was amazed that he actually got the computer out and looked at it himself. But then he decided that all the bullet points (what happens to the person GETTING the silent treatment) applied to him. Because of me, of course. I couldn't help but ask "are you saying you think I am giving you the silent treatment?" and he had to conceed taht no, that certainly wasn't the case.

I'm puzzled at myself. I also am a chatty person. I also understand that for me, intimacy requires feeling SAFE, VALUED, and LOVED. I don't feel those things in this relationship. So why am I still going through the motions?

A few weeks ago, my therapist said something very interesting to me. I was talking about how of course we all have to compromise in relationships, and he interupted me and said "why?" I was a little taken aback, but said, "well so we can get along, of course" and he said "OK, so have you compromised?" (yes, of course) "and so has it helped? How do you feel about all that compromise? Feel good about it?" I had to admit that no, I don't feel good about it, it hasn't worked bvery well, and in fact, I feel resentful. He pointed out that in compromise, NO ONE gets what they want. NO ONE is happy. Well, what are you supposed to do then? He said something that it also talks about in the silent treatment article that I conveniently overlooked--in a healthy relationship, the partners involved resolve conflict by looking for a win/win solution, and neither uses force, manipulation, or domination to get their way.   !

Well being a codependent, boundary-less person, I'm not sure I know how to do that! I know it takes 2 to tango. I know it's easier for me to see his faults than my own (and vice-versa). But how can we possibly resolve ANYTHING if we aren't "allowed" to even broach the topics?

I understand that it's OK to have conflict. Simply having conflict doesn't mean everything has gone down the drain. But look at how these healthy types resolve it! Holy cow--how do you do that?

It's especially confusing for me during the few times husband and I do actually discuss these issues. He sometimes admits being insecure, but always immediately blames me for the insecurity. It's not inside himself--it's outside. Specifically, ME. I could pull the rug out from under him at any time (?). He can't talk to me because I might get mad (? SO WHAT? I live with his anger everyday! This sounds like manipulation--he's allowed to feel whatever he wants whenever he wants, I'm only allowed to feel what is comfortable for him)

Whew. Sometimes I think "watch out what you ask for (doubleAries), you might just get it!" I want to talk, then when we do, it's like a nightmare of accusations. The wall he has built around himself seems inpenatrable to me. Our therapist claims it's not, but geez-o-pete! I guess I'll give it more time and see if he's right.

[desperate dutchman]

doubleAries I think you hit it right on the head when you acknowledged that you are boundryless codependant ... .I am too and I have started to work on me in that regard and it is worse between me and my SO and that is a given as I am changing the rules of the game and she has no control.

I am working on me first and doing some work on the relationship. Putting me first is hard but rewarding... .We see it over and over on the boards ... .the same advice "what are you doing for you"  We codependants need to take it to heart... .

[Diggingforfire]

Also was a boundary-less codependent.

Also experienced the silent treatment for a month at a time. The difference between someone who just can't talk about their feelings and the silent treatment is the way they behave around everyone else/everything else in their lives other than you. They let you know that you are the problem.

My exwBPD would be two feet from me on the couch. I would try to talk, try to cuddle, cook dinner, etc and there was never any return of any intimacy or affection. Then we'd go to work and she would stand arm in arm with a male co worker, she would be smiling and great to anyone she saw. I would think she's snapped out of a funk and go up and talk to her myself, and the smile would fade instantly, the room would feel ten degrees colder all the sudden.

If it is working on you, (causing you pain) it will continue. It is a form of torture for specific people. Some people might not tolerate it, but I was the type who just wanted to please her into stopping. That doesn't work. In fact, after our break up, she had a lot of clarity and talked about it openly. She said all I ever had to do was just get firm and say "You're wrong. Stop it." which oddly enough, I hardly ever did. And we went through maybe 20 silent treatment cycles? Instead, I became so torn up inside that I allowed her to do whatever she wanted, because my security was gone, my trust was shattered and my own self worth was shot. This just made it get worse and worse.

You'll be so relieved when it's over, that you may not even talk about all the damage that occurred for a month, and they certainly will not want to address it, because it causes them so much shame. So you just move forward and try to forget the pain... .BUT... .it's there! You're fooling yourself if you think just because it's over, you're going to be ok. I'm still decompressing from the pain she caused me. I have irrational fears and now if someone even doesn't respond to me quickly via a text, I start to fall apart.

Just keep in mind that even if you are surviving through these episodes, you're also getting long term damage that you can't even see right now because you're lost in the FOG. Believe me. Listen to these posters and learn the skills of detaching so you can watch it like a third party would, or like a security camera would see the situation. No emotion, just a witness. When you do, they will see there's no power over you and stop their actions sooner.  They'll move on to some other manipulation tactic which may be much easier for you to spot and handle.

[doubleAries]

good advice.

It's always been painful to begin to believe this story about him being a quiet person who doesn't like to talk, and then see him in public almost making a fool of himself, so desperate to talk to someone he can hardly listen to what they have to say in return.

Sometimes I did wonder if it was my fault, or if I did something wrong, or if I was really THAT boring, but mostly I just thought he was a jerk. But I still missed the real point--insecurity. Maybe because of my own.

There IS long term damage from this--just 1 facet of it right now for me is being very skeptical it can be changed. And I still can't answer the question of why I have lived with this for so long!

But I also see things changing. One the one hand, husband (who, thankfully, is in counseling) is trying hard to act differently. On the other hand I see him very much resisting the changes I'm making. A few months ago, I went to a therapist over marriage issues (was already filing for divorce, so more about my own codependency issues than how to fix the marriage) and to seek advice on how to deal with my grown son who has decided he wants to be a criminal (long back story--my mom did some serious behind the scenes manipulations that resulted in me losing my son when he was 3 and only getting back in touch with him when he was 18--he's almost 26 now). But in the counseling, my mom came up and my therapist (who specializes in BPD and their families) told my mom sounded like a very severe BPD and i should research it. I did. Yep, no doubt about it--that's her alright.

Since then, I've spent a lot of time unraveling my own life instead of groveling around trying to please the unpleasable spouse. When he snaps at me, I let him know I don't appreciate the lack of respect and he needs to find another way to communicate his frustration. None of this is in the familiar old game book rules. I understand that it's unfamiliar and therefore uncomfortable for him. I also feel kind of stupid--look how easy it has been to effect the whole thing, after all that trying and trying and trying to effect him (instead of myself)! I also feel a slight inkling of power for myself in seeing him squirm with the "new" rules. Not like power hungry and vengeful. Just empowered. Like an actual entity instead of an annoying ghost.

My mom was so severe and witch like that there was only Fear (rather than Obligation or Guilt) but boy, am I learning those other 2 now! Never even knew I had them in me!

I'm doing what need to do for myself. Not sniveling about how I want husband to participate. If I need conversation, I find it here or on the phone. That's bugging him. That wasn't the desired effect. I'm supposed to be isolated and beaten down (misery loves company!)

[vincent11]

When I first began reading this thread I was anxious to impart some of my story to encourage you but after reading about 90% of the posts I know I couldn't possibly offer anything but to say everyone has been so generous here.  So much time and thought has been given and I think it is just such generosity of spirit.  Please don't give up.  I have been given the silent treatment for almost 12 weeks once over nothing.  It was a minor misunderstanding but *HE* was so offended he refused to speak to me for months.  I had never witnesssed anything like that in my life.

I called it off with my beloved last Saturday and I didn't mean a word of it.  I just was so hurt and devastated over his complete insensitivity. 

Everyone here knows what they are talking about.  I now use his wasted time sulking to just do what I want to do.  Living and enjoying my life by reading and connecting with other people.  I know one thing is for sure... .we simply don't choose who we love... .and for some reason I do indeed deeply DEEPLY love this man in a way I have never loved anyone else.  Nor will I again.  he does not wish to get married.  I wish he would change his mind but I'm okay just living my life out as his partner.  I think he is shocked that I will not be moved, because I won't.  I know what I want and it's him!

I have learned more about myself during his melt downs than I have at any other time in my life.  he has inadvertantly taught me patience, love, understanding, compassion, restraint and commitmment. 

I too have found the mirroring to work although I must confess, at the time I didn't realize that was the name for it.  I've learned to pace myself and ride the roller coaster with him and when it gets to be too much I now get off and take time for myself.  In any case I think he has learned that I am here and that I am here for the long haul and that has made him more reasonable and more secure.  I sure hope that if nothing else this test, this journey will teach you how to find your own pace and how to sooth and even and take care of you!  Ultimately the greatest gift that you will find in all this is that you will find YOU!

[LoveNotWar]

The silent treatment is power over and a form of verbal abuse according to what I've read. And it hurts, and it's so frustrating. Don't you just want to shake some words loose?  I read somewhere the silent treatment hurts so bad because it makes feel like you don't exist in that persons eyes.

But I think I really hate the raging and I'm finding if I adjust my own attitude I can enjoy a few days of peace and quiet. 

MONTHS though, I don't think I could do that!

[vincent11]

You touched on something I had to echo back to you  and that is the coolness your partner displayed to you vs. the warmth to others.  The guy I've been involved with was a little warm to me the very first night I saw him bur was still shy and mildly distant... .but he was engaing talkative etc... .then as the months went by it was so I couldn't sit next to him touch him or even look at him.  He'd say: "I'm just shy I need to sit over here!"  (which was the opposite side of the couch)  He plays in a band and openly admits he walks up and HUGS FANS!  Can you believe it?  A common stranger in a bar, and he feels more obligated to exchange pleasantries and kindnesses with them than he does the woman that stands beside him in life.  I "wanted" to yell... ."Are you kidding?  You'll hug or feel obligated to be warm to a common stranger but me you freeze out?"  Just know you are not alone there.  I have been there too and I know all to well what that feels like!

I just had to back you up on how shattering and damaging it is.  And you are right about the psychological/internal damage and scars it is leaving that you can't even see yet.  SO RIGHT about that!  I truly feel for your heartache and suffering!

Also was a boundary-less codependent.

Also experienced the silent treatment for a month at a time. The difference between someone who just can't talk about their feelings and the silent treatment is the way they behave around everyone else/everything else in their lives other than you. They let you know that you are the problem.

My exwBPD would be two feet from me on the couch. I would try to talk, try to cuddle, cook dinner, etc and there was never any return of any intimacy or affection. Then we'd go to work and she would stand arm in arm with a male co worker, she would be smiling and great to anyone she saw. I would think she's snapped out of a funk and go up and talk to her myself, and the smile would fade instantly, the room would feel ten degrees colder all the sudden.

If it is working on you, (causing you pain) it will continue. It is a form of torture for specific people. Some people might not tolerate it, but I was the type who just wanted to please her into stopping. That doesn't work. In fact, after our break up, she had a lot of clarity and talked about it openly. She said all I ever had to do was just get firm and say "You're wrong. Stop it." which oddly enough, I hardly ever did. And we went through maybe 20 silent treatment cycles? Instead, I became so torn up inside that I allowed her to do whatever she wanted, because my security was gone, my trust was shattered and my own self worth was shot. This just made it get worse and worse.

You'll be so relieved when it's over, that you may not even talk about all the damage that occurred for a month, and they certainly will not want to address it, because it causes them so much shame. So you just move forward and try to forget the pain... .BUT... .it's there! You're fooling yourself if you think just because it's over, you're going to be ok. I'm still decompressing from the pain she caused me. I have irrational fears and now if someone even doesn't respond to me quickly via a text, I start to fall apart.

Just keep in mind that even if you are surviving through these episodes, you're also getting long term damage that you can't even see right now because you're lost in the FOG. Believe me. Listen to these posters and learn the skills of detaching so you can watch it like a third party would, or like a security camera would see the situation. No emotion, just a witness. When you do, they will see there's no power over you and stop their actions sooner.  They'll move on to some other manipulation tactic which may be much easier for you to spot and handle.

[briefcase]

There is a lot of great advice and insight in the responses here.  How are things going?   

[vincent11]

In the many occasions that I managed my emotion well and just mirrored him he would actually come back around much quicker and his tone was completely different when he did return compared to the times that I coaxed him out.  One time after 7 weeks of silence he actually asked me: "Well, why didn't you try to contact me and find out why I was mad?"  I was so relieved that he actually told on himself because then I knew all of his silences were a deliberate ploy for power over me.  He loved it when I chased him. 


It is indeed extremely trying to tolerate the silence.  Especially the first couple of times it happens.  I put me in a disorienting blackness I simply cannot describe.  It was one of the most distressing times of my life.

The silent treatment is power over and a form of verbal abuse according to what I've read. And it hurts, and it's so frustrating. Don't you just want to shake some words loose?  I read somewhere the silent treatment hurts so bad because it makes feel like you don't exist in that persons eyes.

But I think I really hate the raging and I'm finding if I adjust my own attitude I can enjoy a few days of peace and quiet. 

MONTHS though, I don't think I could do that!

[goinbonkers]

your post touched on what i had to deal with for years, which is they just loved to be chased.  well i don't mind a good chase but my stbxBPDw will never let you catch her is what the problem was.  after you are with the person for a very very very long time, you can't continue to chase them the same as you did from day one.  but that's what they expect.  to stay in the honeymoon phase.  forever.

In the many occasions that I managed my emotion well and just mirrored him he would actually come back around much quicker and his tone was completely different when he did return compared to the times that I coaxed him out.  One time after 7 weeks of silence he actually asked me: "Well, why didn't you try to contact me and find out why I was mad?"  I was so relieved that he actually told on himself because then I knew all of his silences were a deliberate ploy for power over me.  He loved it when I chased him. 


It is indeed extremely trying to tolerate the silence.  Especially the first couple of times it happens.  I put me in a disorienting blackness I simply cannot describe.  It was one of the most distressing times of my life.

The silent treatment is power over and a form of verbal abuse according to what I've read. And it hurts, and it's so frustrating. Don't you just want to shake some words loose?  I read somewhere the silent treatment hurts so bad because it makes feel like you don't exist in that persons eyes.

But I think I really hate the raging and I'm finding if I adjust my own attitude I can enjoy a few days of peace and quiet. 

MONTHS though, I don't think I could do that!

[vincent11]

Yes!  Goinbonkers I agree with you... .I will just add this... .even remaining in a honeymoon phase would be nice, if it was mutually loving and giving but what they don't seem to grasp is just how painfully rejected the chaser feels because of their constant resistance to being caught, even after years of effort.  It seems to be a sort of sadistic game they enjoy and only they are in on the very well hidden secret that they are never going to allow you to capture their heart.  It is so demorilizing.  And I'm a woman chasing a man... .it's truly pathetic.  I am owning my part in being so easily manipulated and I am definitely drawing lines and forming boundaries.  I simply must change ME.  What he chooses to do is up to him.

your post touched on what i had to deal with for years, which is they just loved to be chased.  well i don't mind a good chase but my stbxBPDw will never let you catch her is what the problem was.  after you are with the person for a very very very long time, you can't continue to chase them the same as you did from day one.  but that's what they expect.  to stay in the honeymoon phase.  forever.

In the many occasions that I managed my emotion well and just mirrored him he would actually come back around much quicker and his tone was completely different when he did return compared to the times that I coaxed him out.  One time after 7 weeks of silence he actually asked me: "Well, why didn't you try to contact me and find out why I was mad?"  I was so relieved that he actually told on himself because then I knew all of his silences were a deliberate ploy for power over me.  He loved it when I chased him. 


It is indeed extremely trying to tolerate the silence.  Especially the first couple of times it happens.  I put me in a disorienting blackness I simply cannot describe.  It was one of the most distressing times of my life.

The silent treatment is power over and a form of verbal abuse according to what I've read. And it hurts, and it's so frustrating. Don't you just want to shake some words loose?  I read somewhere the silent treatment hurts so bad because it makes feel like you don't exist in that persons eyes.

But I think I really hate the raging and I'm finding if I adjust my own attitude I can enjoy a few days of peace and quiet. 

MONTHS though, I don't think I could do that!

[onAmission]

The silent treatment is power over and a form of verbal abuse according to what I've read. And it hurts, and it's so frustrating. Don't you just want to shake some words loose?  I read somewhere the silent treatment hurts so bad because it makes feel like you don't exist in that persons eyes.

But I think I really hate the raging and I'm finding if I adjust my own attitude I can enjoy a few days of peace and quiet. 

MONTHS though, I don't think I could do that!

I do agree. Though the silent treatment has it's own issues, There are times when I am glad for the silence. When my dBPDh tries this, it's more like pouting. It used to drive me crazy & I tried all I could to coddle him out of it. This was only after I knew about the BPD. Before then, I made it worse. His Dad was also BPD I strongly suspect, though his Dad & Mom did not know BPD existed - wouldn't have made a difference. His Mom used to tell me that when she saw her H heading into a case of what she called the blacka$$, she just went ahead & pushed his buttons to get it over with. 

So, that's what I did for a long time. Made things worse. Now, I try to see it as his effort to give me the "space" I ask for rather than him calling me 100 times a day until things just blew way up.

[Bright_Future]

Thank you everyone for responding to my posting. Things are still silent in my r/s, but I've been feeling better the last few days. I've decided to just stop wasting energy on him during this time. I'm not spending as much time wondering what he's doing, who he's with, or what he's thinking. I've actually stopped worrying about what HIS decision will be -- to stay or leave -- and I've started focusing on what MY decision will be. I think that I may have to go post on the Undecided board because that's where I'm at now.

I had a really good session with my T the other day, and we focused on my eagerness to forgive everything just to keep the peace. I'm realizing that I never really set any boundaries before. I just took all of the abuse and forgave him when he came to his senses and genuinely apologized --because they really do mean it later when they apologize, don't they? That's the thing. They mean it when they paint you black, and they mean it when they paint you white. So because his apologies were genuine, I forgave him. Over and over and over. But because I never set boundaries, I just kept taking the abuse. Then the apology. Rinse and repeat. It can't go on this way anymore.

So maybe this live-in separation that he wanted will be a good thing in the end. It is giving me the time I need to evaluate our r/s. I have enough confidence in myself to know that his "complaints" about me that prompted this separation are just nonsense. He's unhappy with his own life, and he's projecting that on me. He's trying to find happiness right now, but I don't think that he's going to find it unless and until he finds a way to accept himself as he is.

So, thank you again everyone. I'm doing a lot of soul searching right now. But I'm doing okay.

[Diggingforfire]

I

Thank you everyone for responding to my posting. Things are still silent in my r/s, but I've been feeling better the last few days. I've decided to just stop wasting energy on him during this time. I'm not spending as much time wondering what he's doing, who he's with, or what he's thinking. I've actually stopped worrying about what HIS decision will be -- to stay or leave -- and I've started focusing on what MY decision will be. I think that I may have to go post on the Undecided board because that's where I'm at now.

I had a really good session with my T the other day, and we focused on my eagerness to forgive everything just to keep the peace. I'm realizing that I never really set any boundaries before. I just took all of the abuse and forgave him when he came to his senses and genuinely apologized --because they really do mean it later when they apologize, don't they? That's the thing. They mean it when they paint you black, and they mean it when they paint you white. So because his apologies were genuine, I forgave him. Over and over and over. But because I never set boundaries, I just kept taking the abuse. Then the apology. Rinse and repeat. It can't go on this way anymore.

So maybe this live-in separation that he wanted will be a good thing in the end. It is giving me the time I need to evaluate our r/s. I have enough confidence in myself to know that his "complaints" about me that prompted this separation are just nonsense. He's unhappy with his own life, and he's projecting that on me. He's trying to find happiness right now, but I don't think that he's going to find it unless and until he finds a way to accept himself as he is.

So, thank you again everyone. I'm doing a lot of soul searching right now. But I'm doing okay.

I'm so proud of you! The first step is understanding your worth, even if your nature is to help, please and satisfy until exhaustion. You're doing so well. You will know what is right for you when the time comes, but you're so many steps on the right path already. Stay the course and your rewards will be so bountiful!; acute self awareness, liberation of spirit and it sounds silly... .but the farther you get from this kind manipulation, the more the world just seems beautiful again.

[Lily_Stargazer]

Hi Bright_Future, and everyone else going through the silent treatment,

I feel your pain.  I just joined today and posted about my situation on the new member board and the undecided board (please see those posts if you like for more info) - my bf, who I think has BPD, has been giving me the silent treatment for almost a month now, and saying he wants to break up.  This has happened before, but this is the first time since we moved in together.  He previously broke up with me for about 2 months and then suddenly decided he wanted me back.  

Bright_Future, I think you and I seem to be in similar situations here.  I think my bf is trying to find happiness, and he really needs to accept himself.  He quit a job, moved to another area, and now claims he is happy with his new job, but I don't think he is really happy deep down inside.  So he is projecting that unhappiness onto me. I think it is good in this case to be able to take a step back, work on yourself, and let the other person work on accepting himself/finding his own happiness.  In my case, we just moved into a new house, and while he claims he is happy with it, moving IS a big adjustment, and maybe the move stressed him in ways he does not even realize.

At this point I am unsure about where things are going, but I really want to stay and try to work through this.  If he is going to be disengaged for a while, I will work on myself, go to individual therapy sessions, and spend time with friends.  Honestly, my favorite thing to do right now is spend time with the dog.  She is our baby.  

Also, vincent11, your posts were very insightful, and I noticed you mentioning doing mirroring - what does that entail?